


Affording

by 14Cookiesinajar



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, But that is also what we're here for, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Emphasis on wanting to stay, Everyone Needs A Hug, Family, Foster Care, Gen, Learning to make mistakes, Love vs LOVE, Most of the time, Post-Undertale Genocide Route, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route - "I want to stay with you.", Suicidal Thoughts, Trying to tag this made me realize just how dark this gets at times, and affording to do better together, and all that goes with that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-03-08 01:24:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 48
Words: 261,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13447560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/14Cookiesinajar/pseuds/14Cookiesinajar
Summary: When you tell someone to give up, you'd better make sure their idea of it is the same as yours. Because when someone feels trapped they can be driven to some pretty desperate things, things you would have never figured. Sans may have made a mistake somewhere along the way, but who could blame him? He just hadn't realized he couldn't afford not to care anymore. About this anyways...





	1. Affording To Care

**Author's Note:**

> This is posted on Fanfiction as well under the same username and.... it's way ahead there. I got an account on A03 to follow other stories easier and I wasn't sure if I wanted to post things but then decided, why not? I'm only posting kinda edited chapters here, though. So it probably won't ever catch up to Fanfiction until its finished.  
> ....  
> ...  
> .  
> Enjoy

"heyya, kiddo, how's the surface? pap is around here somewhere if you want-"

"Sans..." Sans became rigid in his seat, the phone pressed to the side of his skull. Their voice had been nothing but a dry, whisper.

"sup?" He tried his best to not sound shaken. "you okay?"

"No..."

"uh..." Well they weren't crying, but they sounded so... distant.

Though with how they'd walked through the Underground, Sans wanted to say they were shy and soft spoken in general, but... with how they'd walked through the Underground...

"well, don't give up there, kiddo, i mean, we aren't down here!" He tried to sound light-hearted. They'd called for a reason and he assumed it was for a small 'pick-me-up', though that was also weird. The kid had went through their journey avoiding everyone, just wanting to get out and leave it all behind. But even as he thought that, Sans knew that there had been something more to it. He just hadn't taken it upon himself to figure it out.

There was silence on the other side of the phone.

_"Just give up, I did..."_

"Sans?"

"kid?"

"Did I do the right thing?" They pleaded, but as they continued their tone lowered again. Sans couldn't help but picture them leaned up against a wall, curled in on themself. "Asgore's still dead even if I didn't kill him..." That was new to Sans... but it also wasn't. "The Souls are gone. You're all trapped."

"we're making due." Sans encouraged.

 **"You shouldn't have to."** Sans felt a distinct chill as their anger seeped through the phone. **"It isn't _fair."_**

"...heh." Sans let out after a moment, trying to get a hold of the conversation. "glad to know you care."

And he _was_ glad to know it. If they really were what he thought they were. Knew they were. Holding the timelines between their small fingers.

"I..." The sadness had returned. "Sans..." They wanted to say something, he could tell. Maybe they really wanted him to answer their question.

"look, kid... i don't know what the right thing to do was, but it's behind us now." He heard them sniffling. Sans had to sigh. "kid, what's wrong? don't leave me in the dark here." There was a strangled laugh but it came with the sound of them crying even harder.

"That's just it." They whispered. "I wanted to show you the sun again. And stay there!" Sans was blanching, however that was possible. "I wanted you to be able to use that telescope for something other than a joke!"

"k-kid.."

"I wanted... I..." They seemed on the verge of sobbing but keeping it just under control. They swallowed, their voice was tight. "I wanted your smile to be real..."

"kid, i... have we been to the surface?" A small sob escaped on the other side of the line.

On the other side of The Barrier...

And he had known that. Somewhere in his Soul, he had known that they all had been there. Together. Then what had happened? They had Reset?! Why-

"It doesn't matter." They sobbed. Uh, Sans begged to differ!

"it matters a lot, actually!" There was only muffled tears. "kid!"

He was angry, but not as much as he thought he should be. He didn't know the kid that well, at least in this timeline, but he knew they weren't bad. There was something wrong.

 **"It. Doesn't. Matter!"** The anger had returned. It gave strength to their voice but it sounded a lot like frustration this time around which was a lot less scary than the true hatred that had leaked out of them earlier. "It doesn't..." They whispered, sounding broken. Sans- "I called because..." They continued before Sans had come up with something to say. He was struggling because he related too well with that statement. He was too perplexed that, _they_ of all people should feel that way when _they_ had all the power in this equation. And yet-... And yet... it somehow felt familiar. It somehow made too much sense. "I called to say... I'm sorry."

"kid?" There was a tone of caution to Sans' own voice. He could tell from their own tone that they weren't apologizing for something they had already done. He didn't know what they were planning, but he was feeling... scared.

"I wanted to say 'I'm sorry' while somebody'd still listen."

They sounded scared too.

"kid! wait!" He was afraid they'd hang up, but the line was still there. Just... The world wasn't.

Sans' voice caught as the world around him spun. It was hard to think.

"kid, wait!" He repeated quickly. "don't do anything st-"

Stupid.

Stupid!

So stupid!

He should have acted sooner.

If he had!

If he had...

Sans' hand rose out of his pocket to rest against the red scarf around his next.

But what was he expected to do against an anomaly that could rewrite the very fabric of time... and destroy it?

His fingers coiled around the scarf.

And.. He guessed, Sans had also believed in them, too. Something did tell him he'd been here before. With everybody gone. But the feeling was different. This time there was a sense of betrayal. He'd been here before. But never against _them_.

Did they just get bored? He always tried his hardest to make the anomaly happy. As much as he was up to it at least (he wasn't always up for much). But in the end it didn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

But as he watched Undyne fall twice. Mettaton. The others evacuate...

It _did_ matter this time.

Sans felt the uneasiness clawing within him as he stood behind a pillar in Judgment Hall... Waiting.

They wouldn't stop. If they got past here, there wouldn't be another Reset, would there? The amount of power they were gathering.. Going out of their way to find those who were hiding.. The face that had been entirely blank when he had met them was now twisted into a smile he'd rather not describe.

They stood there at the end of the hall... The smile was now not the most unsettling thing on their face. Their eyes didn't have a fire in them like he'd expect from someone with enough DETERMINATION to change and destroy everything.

"heya, so.. you've been busy, huh?" They stared through him but the hold on their knife tightened. They didn't reply. That was fine by Sans. "so, i've got a question for ya." He began. "do you think even the worse person can change...? that everyone can be a good person, if they try?" Their dead eyes drifted to the floor by his feet but they were still smiling. Were they even listening to him? Sans laughed darkly. The answer was obvious, wasn't it? "all right. well, here's a better question." His own smile was widening. **"do you really wanna have a bad time?"**

Their gaze and stance rose higher. If not for the look in their eyes, Sans would have called it excitement.

"cause if you take another step forward... you are REALLY not gonna like what happens next." Their smile twitched as they took that step. "welp." Sans shrugged. "sorry old lady, this is why i don't make promises."

Sans sighed...

"it's a beautiful day outside, bird are singing, flowers are blooming... on days like these, kids like you..." His eye blazed to life and his hand shot forward as his blasters formed. **_"should be burning in hell!"_**

They didn't even cry out in surprise when they were blasted in the face, running right into it.

The light fizzled out and their form lay smoldering on the ground.

"heh..." Sans let out as his smile twisted into a cringe. This was impossible. But if they could get tired of the creatures in the Underground, then hopefully he could get them to tire of this constant stream of failure. His fingers cracked as he stuffed his fists into his pockets as the world began to spin away from him. His brow furrowed as he prepared himself, but he knew it was futile. He wouldn't even remem-

"guess i'm pretty good at my job, huh?"

Their eyes had a tiny spark in them as they rushed forward.

"hey, what comes after trice, anyway?"

"quice? frice?"

"that's the expression of someone whose died 7 times in a row. nope. wait. that's definitely nine, sorry. or was it-"

"hey! congrats! the big one-oh! let's invite all your friends over for a big shinding. we can have pie, and hot dogs, and..." Sans was actually surprised at the light in their eyes that flickered... sadly? "hmmm... wait. something's not right." There was another flicker, of alarm perhaps. "you don't have any friends." They light dimmed and they rushed forward. He moved to greet them in the face with his blasters.

"well i guess we never really WERE friends, huh? heh. don't tell that to the other sans-es, okay?"

They jumped right into his opening attack... Sans froze in terror as their small body slumped to the ground. They... They were playing with him, weren't they?

"let's just get to the point."

He wasn't sure how many times they had done this now. He knew it was double digits still but it was getting ridiculous, he knew. And he could tell why too. Their movements were sluggish... For all that determination.. they didn't seen very determined.

"here we go."

The world was spinning backwards.

"our reports showed a massive anomaly in the timespace continuum. timelines jumping left and right, stopping and starting..." He attacked. They dodged. "until, suddenly, everything ends." Sans let out a low chuckle, knowing they'd heard this before and that it didn't matter. "that's your fault isn't it?" They slumped to the ground and he dragged them across to slam them into the wall.

"you can't understand how this feels." He breathed. The uneasiness was stirring in his rib cage. It felt awkward to talk about it. It wasn't something he talked about. Any of this. Just... "knowing one day, without any warning... it's all going to be reset." They were broken in their movements, barely avoiding his attacks. "look. i gave up trying to go back a long time ago."

More close misses. They couldn't keep dodging forever. Well... technically they could, he guessed, but it didn't mean they'd want to. He clung to that. To get them to give up.

"and getting to the surface doesn't really appeal anymore, either." He attacked. "cause even if we do... we'll just end up right back here, without any memory of it, right?" Their eyes met his, and it was unsettling how hurt they looked at his words. There were tears in their eyes.

That wasn't new, though, Sans realized. Felt.

So he attacked again, and-

"to be blunt... it makes it kind of hard to give it my all."

They weren't giving it their all either... The smile they had worn before had become a strained grimace several timelines ago. He didn't actually remember when, of course. He just knew it wasn't always like that. He was getting under their skin, he had to cling to that.

"or is that just a poor excuse for being lazy...? hell if i know." They took their turn and he took his. "all i know it... seeing what comes next... i can't afford not to care anymore."

They stopped.

"uhh..." There was a moment where he waited for them to act, but as it dragged on he wondered if he should just go into his friendship spiel. He knew they'd heard it before, but it was better than just standing there together awkwardly. "you really don't want to keep swinging that thing around, do you?"

There was a small noise from them and Sans shifted, uncertain. The noise grew and he realized it was a laugh. Their head fell back as their laughter echoed off of the walls. He wanted to kill them. To make it stop. It was- They were sobbing...

Their smile was wide again but it was clearly pained. Their hands curled around the hilt of the blade and they lifted it, pressing their hands to their forehead as their eyes squeezed shut.

"I never wanted this..." Their voice struck Sans more efficiently than the knife. He hadn't heard them utter a word this entire timeline, Loads and all, he felt. He hadn't really cared if they could after awhile. But now... it was hoarse and so.. young. For the first time the fact that they really were a kid.. "I just..."

One of their hands fell from the blade and their arm wrapped around their waist as they struggled to breathe. Now that they were talking, were crying, they didn't seem able to stop. If he were to attack out of turn they'd be dead where they stood. But their voice had caught him off guard, and now that the initial surprise was gone, he was too angry.

"you have a funny way of goin' about things then." Sans said through clenched teeth. They let out a louder sob. They bit down hard as they bent over.

"You..." They breathed in, trying to get it together enough to keep talking and make it coherent. "... keep telling me to quit, that you're getting tired, but... don't you understand?" Sans found himself leaning away, uncomfortable at how shrill and pained their voice was. "This IS me quitting! I can't..." They shook their head violently. Sans didn't understand, but he knew he didn't want to. "Can't you see why it has to be done?!" They shouted, lowering the knife and opening their eyes, tears streaming down their face as they looked up. "The surface..." There was a small broken laugh. "You all deserve it! But you're stuck here! Miserable! **The humans...** " Their head fell again. "It's not fair! It's not! **So why should they have it when you can't?!** Why can't I make you all happy?! **It's not fair! Can't save Asriel!** Can't save ANYONE! **SO WHY NOT JUST END IT?! WHY NOT, COMEDIAN, WHY?!** "

They had fallen to their knees in exhaustion, the knife clattering onto the ground, useless as they shook and pressed their hands over their eyes while they continued to sob. And Sans could tell this wasn't a trick. His brain, all logic and common sense, told him it was, but he could also feel that it wasn't.

But that's how they had got here hadn't it? Him listening to those feelings instead of just pounding the kid into the ground the moment he had seen them come out of the Ruins covered in dust. Listening to those feelings even as they continued to trudge along, not destroying them like he knew he should of, before it had gotten to this.

"i don't care about what the humans have." He growled. Their breathing shuttered. His eyes narrowed, his left still blazing in expectation of their next move. "i don't need the surface, i just need... papyrus..." He breathed, his sadness and grief hit him more than the anger, but he wouldn't let his guard down. If it was their aim to get him crying and an easy hit they had something to learn. He'd cried. And he was done. The anger was growing inside him again as he recovered.

But to his surprise... If the sound of their child's voice had cut through Sans, the name he had spoken had weighed them down like their Soul was Blue. They had lowered themself almost entirely to the floor.

"I just..."

They lifted their head with difficulty, their teary gaze met his in what looked like desperation. They were unflinching at the blue fire in his that promised to obliterate them with one false move. Their eyes narrowed. "You still weren't happy... Not really. And..." There was a huffed, hurt laugh. "It was my fault... like you said. Mine." Their hand was pressed against their eyes again. "I get it now. I get the treadmill joke... I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry."

Sorry? Sorry?!

"then **reset**."

"We'll just be on the treadmill again." They laugh-sobbed. "This..." They shook their head. "What's the point of going on when... You said you couldn't care because you knew it would just Reset, but what about me?" They asked and Sans... still didn't understand. "I..." They were too far gone to make any real connected sentences at this point. "I just... Want. To. Quit." They hyperventilated. "Just give up! I did!"

Sans felt a prickle of familiarity to those words sobbed into their hand, as if they were repeating something and not exactly telling him to, he already had anyways so- Oh. That was something _he_ had said before.

"c'mere bud..." Sans said opening his arms. They got their head up but their face was twisted painfully. He could see it in their eyes. Their want.

"You'll just... kill. me. again." Somehow the sobs that interlaced with that statement seemed to hold more meaning than what was apparent. They'd been dying. There was something else there that they were crying about. Something that him killing them implied.

"i promise, i won't." They looked up again from their sobs and he could see their hope in their half-lidded, golden brown eyes. They hesitated but then sprung forward in a run, as if they had taken longer they'd change their mind.

They plowed into him, their arms inescapable around him. They were tense with fear, waiting for the blow.

It didn't come.

They buried themself deeper into his hoodie.

"I... I'm sorry." They whispered, their breath just a shutter. Sans was rigid but after a moment... he placed his hand on their head. They flinched, but then relaxed into it as nothing violent happened. Sans scowled. Just accepting his embrace and touch like it was natural? Just expecting him to let them get by so easily? After what they did?!

"I just..." They cried, but then their voice dropped back into a hushed whisper... "I don't want to do this anymore."

Something rageful snapped in Sans. His fingers curled into their hair. Their eyes opened in panic as their Soul went Blue and they were being twisted through the air. He grabbed their arm with all of his strength and they yelped as they were dunked down onto a pile of bone.

Their eyes met his in distress, begging, as if this was truly all unexpected. Sans' fury was blazing inside his chest as much as his eye was.

 **"then. re. set."** Sans seethed. There was an intense pain in their eyes, there was betrayal? He'd broken one promise today, what was another? It'd always been the plan. Their eyes squeezed shut as they tried to squirm in discomfort while their HP trickled bellow ten. Their hand hadn't let go of his and they tightened their grip in one last act of desperation. One final plea- Like they didn't want to ever let go-

_"You'll just... kill. me. again."_

Their readiness to accept his touch-

_"you can't understand how this feels."_

_"Just give up! I did!"_

Sans' smile fell...

Their inability to get past him, the way they shambled about- He'd...

_"I don't want to do this anymore."_

When they had come out of the Ruins, covered in dust, he had been so afraid. So afraid of them. But in the end, what if that part of him that had held back from crushing them... Had he really been afraid _of_ them? Or... _for_ them?

Sans realized he had made a mistake. It suddenly made sense. He-

Sans realized he couldn't afford not to care anymore.

But it was too late. He was going to forget again.

The fire in Sans' eye flickered out as their Soul shattered and their head fell. Their grip disappear but Sans caught their slipping hand, keeping it resting in his.

There was an unusual, sickening feeling as the world around him began to spin backward, and he realized...

They'd just crossed over into triple digits.

The laughter that echoed throughout Judgment Hall chilled Sans down to the **_bone_**. He was rigid, his teeth gritted together as he found himself cowering, a hard, sick feeling where his stomach would be.

Something had gone wrong. Something had gone seriously wrong. He'd made a mistake but he couldn't remember what.

The creature that moved towards him was smiling, as he knew they would be, but more unsetting was how alive their eyes were. Their red glint put Sans' mind in a flurry of confusion. He was almost certain their usually half-lidded gaze hadn't had that before.

The creature came to a stop and held the knife out in front of them.

 **"You _REALLY_ wish you hadn't done that." **There was an intense giggle as they sprung forward with renewed energy.

Sans moved into his routine but The Creature flew through it. He had known they were getting up there in attempts but the speed and agility caught him off guard. It was a true shock. No, not the speed and agility, really, he realized as they swung with intense force. The resolve. The determination.

There was no slack to their step. They were swift and precise.

And he couldn't keep up.

He died.

And then he was back.

It wasn't like usual; that sensation of the world falling away around you, swirling back through time and you just barely notice your a bit dizzy and you know something happened but you can't remember what. Just a feeling. Or two. With Sans getting pretty good at figuring out those feelings.

This wasn't like that.

This was like he was being slammed back into place. Being forced into existence where he hadn't a moment ago.

Because he _hadn't_.

It wasn't dizzying. It was sharp and painful and he was rigid as sweat immediately began to work it's way down his skull.

He'd _died_.

And now he was back.

His eyes lifted to the figure coming forward. the red eyes wild and the smile triumphant.

That expression they were wearing...

"well i won't grace it with a description."

He was slammed back into place. Again. His head was reeling as his eye sockets widened.

He-

He'd died again. He'd died several times now... He just...

"Poor Comedian," The Creature cooed, fiddling with the knife in it's fingers. "He's taken his last chance and dunked on them." It's smile emphasizes the fake pity. "And now... it's just _us_! They've done exactly what you've said! Congratulations!" Sans eyed them nervously, guilt somehow rising up inside him though he couldn't, didn't want to, place it. "They've given up entirely. Retreated! Handing over the reigns early!" The Creature rushed forward with a laugh. "Now ***I*** get to have all the fun!"

He was slammed back into play.

Sans was sweating buckets immediately, his chest was physically sore...

"Congratulations! The big one-oh!" They chimed excitedly. Sans found his gaze trailing around the golden room, not sure of what to do. They'd killed him. They'd killed him ten times. He was being played with again.. He let his rage drown out any chance that he could cry. "We'll invite all your friends over for your funeral this time! We can have Mom make some pie in your memory! Tell some bad skeleton puns you would have liked." They blinked. "Oh. Sorry." Their smile twisted. "I forgot! You don't have any friends left. **_We killed them all_**." Their laughter was wild and unsettled. "Guess we can all have one, big, funeral together! Won't that be nice?!"

"you really are sick, freak." They laughed again.

"You don't even get the half of it!" They taunted as they began to adjust their footing. "Let's just end this..."

They charged him.

It was over.

But despite their words, he was back again. They must not have been bored enough. Except, now that he could see them, it didn't seem to have been planned this way.

They looked **MAD**. But it couldn't have been from anything he'd done, though that would have been great.

The red eyes were on fire and their smile was now a rage-filled snarl.

 **"You can stop it now!"** They seethed.

Sans had the sudden realization he'd died several more times than he was ' _supposed_ ' to.

 **"Are we doing this or not?!"** They demand. Sans hesitated, they could only be talking to him but he couldn't help like feeling that they weren't.

"heh." Sans tried, hoping to sound confident though his chest felt like it was tearing apart. "That's all up to you." His eye blazed to life and he readied his attack. The Creature growled in rage as they gripped the knife and rushed-

They'd died.

Sans knew it but he didn't understand how. They had been killing him for double digits now. He couldn't have surprised them.

And this time something was off.

They weren't there.

The other side of the hall was empty. Where had they run off? This was new. He could feel it. And it continued to be new as the Underground darkened and the day was spent. Where the hell was that thing?! Sans was riveting in anger. They were sick! Sick! Playing with him. Always playing with him. If they were going to be this way... they should just end it or Reset! What was the point of this? What did they **_want_**?!

Sans felt like he should know.

But he didn't care at this point what they wanted. Just as long as they _RESET_.

It was dark when they reappeared at the other end of the corridor. He could hear them walking slowly, almost meekly. In the shadows he could make out their cowering figure.

"S-Sans?" They called out. They seemed half hopeful he would be there and yet terrified by the very idea as well.

They froze as his single eye burned up in the darkness, and in the light of the blasters' growing attacks he caught the reflection off of their wide eyes. It was almost pretty when the blasters went off, killing The Creature as they screamed in agony.

They were trembling as they stood at the other end of Judgment Hall. The knife was gone and their fingers were coiled together loosely in front of their chest as they stared ahead, towards him. He eyed them curiously. This was new, too.

"Do you... Do you think even the worse person can change? T-That everyone can be a good person, i-if they just try?" They asked, their voice was weak and shook despite the fact that they were clearly trying to sound resolved. Their eyes were half-lidded and a soft, chocolate brown. Sans shifted in place as he stared them down. They were using his own shtick against him and he _didn't_ appreciate it. "H-Here's a b-better question." There were tears in their eyes. "Are those around them willing to help them?" The scarf around Sans' neck choked him with anger.

"well we'll never know," He spat as he summoned his blasters, "if you never **_reset_**."

"S-Sans!" They pleaded, reaching a hand out to him.

Their Soul shattered.

They hadn't even tried to dodge...

They stood there cast over in darkness, the knife limp at their side but clearly there. There was something different. They moved through the routine with ease. The few times Sans caught their eye, he could see their gaze was determined but also their own. Somehow, he had expected the red eyes of a demon. It would have been appropriate.

They breezed past his attacks and something inside Sans knew that this was it. This was the end for real this time.

He'd messed up somewhere along the way. Several somewheres. But when your memory is blank each time and you're just left with a bundle of conflicting emotions, getting it right was pretty difficult. Especially since he didn't know what they wanted.

But he _should_...

He shrugged the feeling off as they passed up his Mercy gig, which was expected. They practically danced through his attacks but he also dodged theirs. He could tell, that while they were putting their all into their dodging, they seemed to be holding back in their attacks.

Well, they probably knew when he slipped up so anything before was just for show, wasn't it?

They didn't have to give it their all the entire time... Unlike him. That was their advantage.

Sans was sweating and so _tired_. Physically and emotionally.

"all right. that's it. it's time for my special attack. are you ready? here goes nothing." They lowered the knife as they looked down and away from him as he panted. He let out a small chuckle before continuing. They didn't seem to be hearing what he had to say until finally...

"but now you've reached the end, there is nothing left for you now, so, uh, in my personal opinion... the most 'determined' thing you can do here? is to, uh, completely give up, and.." He had to yawn. He was just so tired... but he could see their grimace even if their eyes were hidden behind their bangs. Why were they even _here_? Just... "do literally anything else." He begged.

They stood together in silence as Sans' eyes began to drift closed.

This felt familiar. Too familiar. If he fell asleep... No, him falling asleep wouldn't be his downfall. They'd... He breathed out and he couldn't keep his eyes o...

**_Panic!_ **

Sans' eyes opened wide as he side-stepped their attack.

But the relief he thought he should feel didn't come.

"heh. didja really think you would be abl- **_ooph!_** "

The force of their entire body collided with him. Sans staggered back, barely keeping himself balanced as they grabbed onto to him with what was probably everything they had. His left eye flickered to attack, the magic pulsing through him in his fear, but...

The flame died as he looked down at the top of their head and he froze solid in place, his breath catching. Their face was buried into his chest. He could tell they weren't breathing at first, holding onto him as tightly as they could in what felt like desperation.

Sans grew more tense as, but in the corner of his eye, he caught sight of something. Risking a glance over, Sans saw the knife laying more than a fair distance away. His eyes widened... Their first "attack", he realized, had been them throwing the knife.

Wha-

He should be dead.

They should be dead.

Somebody should be dead!

He was too confused.

This was new.

Sans glared down at them again, both of them tense and still. They finally had to take a breath, and suddenly they were shaking against him. They didn't dare speak. All they did was simply hold onto him, a plea instead rising up with their silence.

Sans didn't understand.

But something was again nagging at him that he should. And that... he somehow couldn't afford not to care anymore.

But he didn't _understand_.

"what is it that you _want_ , kid?" He demanded. They broke into loud sobs, not even trying to hold back.

This was sick. They were just playing him, weren't they? Again? Why keep going? They'd killed him, they had gotten past this. Why had they kept coming back?

"what is so important to you?" He needed to know. He wanted to understand all this! But... he was also afraid to, if he was honest. Because what if there wasn't a point? What if there _was_? Sans forced his hans out of his pockets and out of their hold. They whimpered as they retightened their arms around his ribcage.

"Please, don't..." They begged, barely audible as they breathed. "Please..."

Sans bit down the anger. They had no right to ask that, but Sans... He slowly pushed past his extreme discomfort and wrapped his arms around them. One supported the back of their head and the other wrapped around their back. It was mostly to keep them where he could handle them when needed... A few sobs broke through his hoodie as he touched them and they were incredibly tense. Waiting. Waiting for him to kill them. Like he wanted to.

"if you regret everything why won't you just **_reset_**?" Sans demanded again. He couldn't hide the anger in his voice and didn't even try. They flinched, curling deeper into his hoodie as they shivered. "kid..." His anger faltered. Something about that movement.. Why? What were they playing at? What- "what is so important that you need me to under... stand?"

Sans blinked in realization as they let out another few sobs in response. They wanted him to understand. To understand, he had to be open to listen. With the way they had breezed through his attacks, passing up on his Mercy- They hadn't deserved it. They didn't deserve this. And they knew it. But... Sans found his arms wrapping around them tightly, it felt more natural and genuine, somehow. There was a few minutes of him just holding them as they cried, but slowly, they seemed to relax in his arms even as he remained tense for the most part. Their head twisted out of his hoodie and they rested their cheek against his chest. Their eyes opened but their eyes seemed unfocused.

"W-What did..." Their voice was hoarse and weak from crying and disuse. "Why did the demon murder the friendly skeletons?" Sans gritted his teeth, he didn't like where this was going at all. "B-Because they were bonely." They shuttered as they almost started to cry again.

"that doesn't seem very funny, kid." Sans said as evenly as possible.

"Because that's not the joke..." They tried to continue. "The joke is that they thought it would help." Sans' expression wavered, they were breaking in his arms. "I just don't want to do this anymore..."

They close their eyes and rested their full weight against him. Waiting... Sans wanted to tell them to Reset, but somehow he knew that wasn't the answer they were looking for or they'd done it already.

"i don't get it, kid." San admitted.

"You keep telling me to quit." They said. "To give up... but..." Their eyelids squeezed shut painfully. "This was me giving up."

Sans stared down at them, the lights in his eyes glowing with more intensity as it clicked.

"i meant the resets, kid!" Sans was surprised to feel the tears in the back of his eyes and there was a strange sound laced in his voice. He was finally beginning to understand and he regretted it dearly.

"I can't." They whimpered. "I can't... There is no right answer. I can't save... save.." They buried their face into his chest again and they were tense as they expected him to get angry- And he admittedly was, but it felt different than before. He somehow suddenly knew that he couldn't hate them as much as they hated themself.

"this ain't the right answer, kid." He said and they seemed to cave in on themself some more. That wasn't the right thing to say either, was it? "you know it isn't!"

"But... I can't find anything else." They told him. "I can't... This is the only way know I can stop it.. The only way I know I can actually die!"

They yelped as he pressed them closer, he could feel their panic, their certainty that they were about to die. He only squeezed them tighter, his head resting against the side of theirs as they stared towards the ceiling. He felt them freeze in surprise, but then when it finally got to them that he wasn't actually obliterating them in place they broke out into another set of loud sobs.

"kid, just reset, it'll be okay. please..."

"You'll still hate me!" Sans reopened his eyes. "It doesn't matter if I go back, you'll still hate me!" They cried. "I'm sorry... I'm.." They shook their head lightly. "I can't do this alone! And you can never forgive me! Even if you forget! I can... I can never fix this. I'M SORRY! I just..." Their voice fell to a pitiful whisper. "I just want to stay dead... I don't want to do this anymore."

This is what they've wanted him to understand. This was why they hadn't Reset. Resetting wouldn't fix everything... Not now that they knew he knew.

"Why can't I just end it all? I'm already... I'm already here... There... there really is nothing left for me now. I've ruined everything!"

It felt pretty crappy to have them using his own words against him to justify them destroying the world. And he felt even more ashamed that he didn't have an answer. At least one that he was sure they'd want to hea-

"I love you." Sans' eyes were widening again. "I love all of you!" Their voice shuttered but they would never take it back. "I thought... I thought I hated humanity so much and I didn't even realize it wasn't all me!" Sans frowned but they were still talking so he couldn't ask what they meant. "But... in the end... I can't!"

They shuttered again and shook their head shortly.

"But I can't go back... You'll just hate me. You do hate me." They shifted their head downward and though they couldn't realize it, the top of their head touched the base of the scarf on his neck. Their voice had grown hollow. "You'll never forgive me... I can't... I can't even ask it."

"you're right." The kid slumped even more, their arms falling slack, their tears were dry now and they seemed to be growing numb. Something inside Sans hurt. "but kid, what i said earlier, about what i thought the anomaly needed... was that really all that bad? was it really not enough?"

"You weren't happy."

Sans breathed out in what could have been a failed attempt at a chuckle. He wasn't even sure they noticed it. He shifted his weight. He was still so tired. He gave up and slid down into a sitting position. They fell with him, basically having been supported by him for a while anyways. They rested, not exactly in his lap, though it would have been more comfortable, physically, for both of them if they had been. They looked miserable and broken.

"But that was my fault... It's all my fault."

Sans wanted to agree again, but he bite his metaphorical tongue. He also felt like he shouldn't ask them what they were going to do about it, either. He felt like that was the problem they were trying to solve.

"you want me to be happy, kid?" He asked instead. They just lowered their head against his chest even more. "kid, all i need is papyrus. and..." The Resets stopping would be helpful, too, but he sort of needed one at the moment. "and maybe one day that can include you."

He could feel the change in them, they were once again tense and holding their breath. And Sans... He was surprised himself. He had said that manipulatively, but now that the words had actually been spoken, he thought... just maybe... once upon a time he'd wanted that. It surprised him... He had called out to them as a friend before, but maybe that hadn't all been manipulation either. He'd... actually wanted it. And it had just made his anger at this situation hotter.

"kid, how about you promise me something?"

They perked up, their head lifting and their wider than usual eyes met his as they waited. He could see it. Their need for this. They actually, truly wanted to make this right. Sans hesitated.

"just... don't abuse my trust again, okay? and i'll work on the forgive and forget." He said, making another promise he really hoped he wouldn't regret. But at least this was conditional. At least he wouldn't remember making it. And therefore it wouldn't hurt to break it. "i... i could use a little help on the forget part." He said, trying to give them a real smile. Their lips parted in shock.

God how had this happened? How was he here on the ground with the kid he was supposed to be pounding into it? That he still... hated. A lot actually. But... He found that he didn't want to. Hadn't once upon a time.

"and just... when you're ready. remember that we don't need everything to be happy. as long as... as long as we don't give up?" Tears were glistening in their eyes again. "ooph-"

Sans slumped back a bit as they pushed into him in a renewed, tight hug.

He should be dead.

They should be dead.

Somebody should be...

Sans wrapped his arms back around them and held them close.

He shouldn't be on the verge of crying...

"I... I promise!" They said. "One day... I'll stop the Resets." He succeeded in letting out a breathy chuckle this time and they looked up to see the tears forming in his own eyesockets. "B-but... it might be awhile." They admitted, and there was real terror in their gold-brimming eyes. "They're _really_ angry."

"w-who?"

They were already clinging to him again, their eyes squeezing shut. The world began to spin away. Sans' eyes opened wide and hope rattled in his ribcage.

"pap..." He breathed.

"I'm sorry..." Their voice was distant and he couldn't feel them anymore. The word was-

"heyya, kiddo, how's the surface? pap and undyne were ar-"

"Sans..." Sans paused, his magic racing through him in fear. Their voice was soft and almost a whisper on the other end of the phone.

"sup?" He said. "you... you okay?"

"I... I think so." They said. Sans could hear them moving. At least their head. "Sans...?"

"yeah, kiddo?" They hesitated again.

"Would you... Could you really be happy? If... If t-the Resets stopped? And you were still in the Underground? If... If I had a way to keep Asgore from dying?" Sans was frozen and it wasn't because of the snow surrounding him.

"kid?" He shouldn't be surprised that they knew he knew about the Resets. In fact it made sense. He kind of already knew that, just like he knew... other things. But he hadn't been prepared for them to just spring it on him without warning. But... somehow he felt like they'd done that before too. "uh... i mean... as long as we moved forward, i... i guess? i mean it would be a step up from right now, right? and no resets would be great in my opinion."

There was an intense silence on the other side.

"kid?"

"Would..." They sounded on the verge of tears. They sounded absolutely terrified. "Would it be okay... If I was there?"

Everything seemed to freeze now. The entire world held its breath-

They had traveled through the Underground making a lot of friends as they had went, but there had always been an apprehensiveness around him, Sans had noticed. An apprehensiveness that he was sure hadn't been there the last time they'd come through. Even if it wasn't exactly new itself. Now he realized it was because they had made some sort of decision. Something they weren't sure he'd agree to.

"is there something i should know about us, kid?"

About one of the other things that he just knew. That dark something he was aware they had done and he pretty much could guess what it was. Something unforgivable.

"I... You told me not to tell you again until I was done Resetting." They admitted. He smiled a bit more. "I... I'm sorry." They whispered. And he knew that they were. But the past was in the past. "A-And... Chara says they're sorry too."

Sans scowled. Who? But they didn't seem to want to talk about that either, maybe it was supposed to be for later too.

"well you know what they say: forgive and forget." He meant it to be a joke, that he didn't remember it at all, but they let out a small, choked sob. "...hey, kid." He tried gently. They breathed in deeply and let out an even louder breath.

Sans lifted his other hand to support the bottom of the phone.

"but about that question..." The silence had returned, filled with cold terror. He could feel it from even across The Barrier. "yeah. it'd be more than okay. preferable actually."

"R-Really?!" They breathed in relief. They paused. "E-Even if... you knew I could have set everyone free?"

Welp. This conversation was heavier than he had been prepared for. He had to think about this for probably what was an awkward minute.

"i... i would trust that you'd have your reasons, kiddo." He said finally. They were crying on the other end, but there was also a soft laugh. "if you think that's the right thing to do, then... who am i to judge?"

"I love you." Sans paused, his fingers tight around the phone. Finally, he relaxed and his smile softened.

"we love you too, kiddo." They sniffed and he heard them moving again. Probably standing up.

"One more time." They said. He could picture them, their eyes fierce. Filled with determination. "We promise... I-If my plan works..."

The world around Sans swirled and began to tunnel away at high speeds as time rewound.

"hang in there, kiddo." He didn't expect them to be able to hear him, he was already beginning to forget.

"Thank you, Sans... for listening."

Sans woke up from his dream, staring at the dull ceiling and the sound of the trash tornado somewhere in the dim light.

He knew they had just Reset, whoever they were that had their fingers buried deep in time. But for some reason... Somehow...

He felt more hopeful than he had in a while.

A part of him refused to give up.

And Sans knew...

That was something new.


	2. Affording To Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part I

The sun. He had read about it; how the sky turned red and orange and different shades of pink before night fell because the amount of atmosphere the light had to pass through was thicker on the horizon; about how the light bent. But reading about it, knowing it happened, and actually seeing it… Those were not the same.

It was beautiful…

Yet even so, Sans could not deny that his delight would have been a lot brighter had he known that this was also, _actually_ , the first time he was seeing it. That this was actually the first time he had stood here with his brother and his friends and the kid…

But it wasn't.

Not that he remembered, but… a picture was supposed to speak a thousand words and one with him on the surface when he had never actually been there probably meant so much more. Especially with all the conflicting feelings that accompanied it.

Sans' gaze scanned past Toriel to where the kid was smiling almost as radiant as the sunset before them; their brown eyes golden in the sunlight. It just casted Sans down into even more shadow….

This was… all going to disappear again, wasn't it? He had given up hope on reaching the surface and staying a long time ago, but when he had woken up in Snowdin this time it had felt even more intense. The first feeling he had felt had been… Betrayal. As if the support beneath his feet had fallen through. Something crushing down on his ribcage.

And the kid, as good as they had acted throughout their journey, had pointedly been avoiding Sans. He could tell. They would only look at him in the eyes for the briefest of moments before looking away. Not as guiltily as they could have been, he admitted, but there was, in fact, guilt.

Which didn't help Sans' anxiety any.

But he wanted to trust them… He really wanted to.

It just made it that much more painful.

Sans just didn't know what to do. They seemed to have everything: good food, bad laughs, friends and what could eventually be their family if they just stopped..! What more could they need? Why? Why would they Reset? Just because… they could?

No. That wasn't right. There was a reason. Even if Sans didn't know or remember what they were, there had always been a reason to anything the kid did. Even if he wasn't sure how he knew that, either.

God, he just so wanted to trust them…

But they had… broken that trust, hadn't they?

Again.

There was just…. Too many conflicting emotions. Too many conflicting ideas between what he wanted and what he knew he should be reasoning. He just…

He wanted to keep rooting for them. Not just in breaking The Barrier, but in everything they did. Everything. Including stopping the Resets… He had no reason to believe that they would, the contrary really, but somehow he couldn't let go of that hope. That he could be off of this treadmill… No longer running in place; stuck in the dark.

That little kernel of hope.

It was killing him.

Nothing felt new. It was all the same. Darker even. Heavier. Why even bother? Why did he even care? There wasn't any point to hoping things would change…. There was just something deep inside him that remained persistently determined that there was. Almost as if he wasn't _allowed_ to give up even though he very, very desperately wanted to. Even as another part was just as desperate to hope.

All of those thoughts were dangerous, Sans knew, but he was just barely willing to entertain them, just for now. Just like he was willing to entertain the kid.

But he wouldn't be surprised if he woke up in Snowdin, again. Not like he was this go around.

"Frisk…" The King and the others had been talking over what to do next but Sans, and apparently the kid, hadn't really been listening. The kid's head lifted in surprise and they looked over to Asgore who had spoken their name.

It was sort of funny…. Sans knew why he hadn't asked the kid their name this entire time, it hadn't mattered after all, but the other Monsters hadn't thought to ask it either. Now they all knew it anyways; as if it had been whispered into their Souls… Whatever had happened that nobody could remember; it had changed everything.

And a Reset would eventually change it all back.

But for right then, the kid's eyes were locked on Asgore as they waited for him to speak.

"Will you act as our ambassador to the humans?" The King asked. The kid's smile stayed on their face but something flashed in their darkening eyes as they glanced Sans' way. They looked down at their feet.

"Frisk, are you alright?" Toriel asked in concern. The kid lifted their head, glancing from her to Asgore.

"If you wish to think it over, that is fine as well." Asgore told them, seeing their hesitance.

"IT'S OK FRISK!" Papyrus declared and despite everything, Sans had to eye his brother beside him with a wide smile. "I'VE GOT YOU COVERED! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE AMBASSADOR... I CAN DO IT FOR YOU! I'LL EVEN GO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION!"

And true to his word, his brother was off.

"welp." Sans said. "someone's gotta keep him from getting into trouble." He winked as he began to turn around. "see you guys."

Sans made his way in the distinct, opposite direction. He could hear Undyne give out a frustrated shout as he slipped away. Heh. If they actually made it to the morning without time spinning backwards he was sure he would be hearing some interesting stories.

The plan had been to shortcut his way home; just a quick mindless pull through space, but he stopped just at the entrance of the Underground, taking a moment…

He felt empty.

How many times…. had they actually been here? It was strange, Sans thought he should be able to tell. He could always tell how many times the kid had Loaded during their journey but with the number of Resets…? He was drawing a blank….

Guess he had given up on counting.

Sans looked over his shoulder at the sound of running feet. The kid came to an abrupt stop once they saw him, their eyes flashing in new alarm. The confidence and speed vanished as their face betrayed their hesitation. And surprise. They hadn't expected to catch up with him so soon, if they had expected to catch him at all.

"heyya, kiddo." Sans greeted as casually as possible. They swallowed, a surge of subtle, golden determination washing over their features as they took a small step forward and stood beside him. He turned back towards where The Barrier once stood. "just admiring the other view." He told them. "but… I'm _open_ to other suggestions."

"Your telescope?" Sans raised a brow. Huh…

"my telescope?" He repeated. The kid smiled back weakly. "ya think we'll see some stars with all those clouds gathering?" Hey, he'd seen clouds today, too. "i may be new to the whole surface thing, but i'm not so sure that's how it works." Their determination faltered with a prickle of guilt, and he saw their own face clouding over.

"I didn't think about that…" They said in genuine disappointment.

"..'sides, somebody put a bunch of ink on it and these lazybones haven't gotten around to cleaning it yet." Their expression didn't lighten and their eyes trailed over to the entrance of the Underground and away from him. "why don't you go run off with everyone else? you did a good job after all, you deserve to have some fun." He felt as weighted down as they looked. They lifted their head, a sad expression on their face, something in their eyes saying that they just couldn't. "heh. don't worry about me, kiddo…" Sans gave them an apologetic smile and shrugged as he kept his hands in his pockets. He knew he didn't sound as light hearted as he should have. "i'm just a bit tired. i'll see everything tomorrow-"

The kid reached out quickly and grabbed his arm with both hands.

"There will be a tomorrow!" They said. Their grip was firm and their expression desperate. Sans' own expression fell and he was forced to stare; shocked by the force they were using.

"..heh. isn't there always?" He forced himself to ask as his smile widened. Their face fell in real pain.

But what had they expected? Had he ever given them anything other than half answers before?

Their fingers coiled around the bones of his arm. There were words in their throat, Sans could see them in how they swallowed, but they were stuck. They seemed torn as their eyes went back to the Underground's entrance and then back up at him.

"C-Can I… ask you a favor?" They said, finding their voice again, although weak. "Can you take me to the Ruins?" Sans raised a brow again. He was coming to terms with the fact that they had not actually been running after him.

"the ruins, huh?" They nodded. "forget somethin'?" Their face was still pained, it grew even deeper. The answer seemed to be yes. Sans didn't understand that.

"There's just something I have to do. Something that can't wait." They squeezed their fingers. "Please?" They begged. Actually, begged. Their eyes were intensely golden; the colour he had come to associate with their determination. Sans sighed.

"alrighty, i was heading towards snowdin anyways…" He tilted his head and they were surrounded by darkness for a moment. When everything returned they were at the Ruin doors and Sans felt slightly worn out. More worn out. But he now had to stare at the Ruin doors that lay already opened in front of them. He had never seem them like this before...

The kid was off of his arm in an instant and booking it.

"Thank you!" They called as they disappeared. They reappeared shortly, half frowning. "Don't follow." They ordered, but then their face fell. "Please?"

"too much work." Sans answered with a shrug. He didn't really care what they were doing. They seemed satisfied in his answer and disappeared once more into the darkness.

...

Sans left Grillby's less than a half hour later and sighed heavily.

Sans turned back towards his house, intending to take the small walk to let himself think, or not think, actually... He walked mindlessly, his slippers crunching in the snow. The air was crisp and cold and the stone sky grey endlessly above him.

He had intended to hide away for a few hours with a bottle of ketchup and tell some bad jokes but with everyone excited inside, with everyone talking about what they were going to do now that The Barrier was destroyed and family members had come home... Well... Sans found he was too exhausted for that.

Sans stopped mid-step and he found himself hesitating. He looked back over his shoulder in the general direction of the Ruins. Then he sighed again and returned his attention back towards his quiet, wonderfully thoughtless walk. When he got to the front door he teleported directly to his room...

He was just... so tired...

Sans woke up a few hours later, a nightmare he couldn't remember having hit him square on the chest. He breath was uneven as he sat up, his bones heavy as everything around him was dark. The sound of the trash tornado was a comfortable reminder he was at home. The memories inside his head assure him that nothing had Reset.. Yet.

Sans gripped at the sides of his head for a second, taking in another deep breath as his magic pulsed.

It passed...

Sans fell back on the bed but he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep again for awhile... He turned over and he saw a light flashing from his phone. He didn't want to look but he decided he should at least make sure it wasn't important... not that anything was.

Sans paused at the name: Tori. He had apparently missed a few calls, too.

Uh oh.

Tori: Have you seen Frisk? _(Sent 9:57 pm)_

The message glared at him. That had been nearly three hours ago. He had left the kid _way_ before then.

Again... Uh. Oh.

Sans forced himself to get up. He knew he could just say he had been sleeping the whole time and ignore everything, but the idea of Toriel worrying put him at unease. She should have been done worrying. At least until everything was snapped back into place like it hadn't happened.

Darn it all...

Sans threw on his jacket and thought about sending a message to Tori but decided against it until he had any sort of news. Sure maybe they'd already found the kid and it was a waste of a trip, but... it wasn't like he was sleeping. And Sans had never seen the Ruins before. At least that he could remember. Guess it wouldn't be a total waste? Even if it was in the end...

It would help kill the wait.

Sans hadn't realized how far he had walked until he had reached the end of The Ruins entirely. He hadn't expected to find them anymore, not after all that and a few floors collapsing beneath him.

But there they were in the darkness...

The kid was curled up in a bed of flowers. No. Maybe curled up wasn't the correct way to describe it. It looked as if they had been leaning up against something when they had fallen asleep but had since fallen over. They looked small and fragile; the flowers by their mouth were moving along with their breath.

What that...? What had they been doing out here like this?

Sans sighed heavily one more time as he bent down beside them. He pulled out his phone and the screen illuminated his face as he began to type, telling Toriel that the kid was with him and that he was sorry for not responding earlier. He'd been sleeping...

It was only part lie, he reasoned as he put the phone away.

He took a moment to consider waking the kid up before he just slipped his arms underneath them as gently as possible.

They'd had a long day...

Sans found them surprisingly light as he held them in his arms. Somebody could toss them around like a rag doll... The thought unsettled him as he stood up, their head resting against his chest as they continued to sleep; curling themself part way into his jacket as they let out a soft hum.

Sans couldn't stop staring at their face.

Their soft, sleeping expression was so different from what he was used to. They looked peaceful... It was a lot better than the fearful anxiety they always addressed him with. This way he didn't have to wonder what they felt so guilty about. For a moment he could pretend.

He pushed those thoughts away as he shortcutted away to the upstairs of his and Papyrus' house. Peeking into his brother's room he found that, sure enough, his brother was still not there.

The kid stirred in his arms. Though they were inside, the house was still a lot colder than the Ruins had been. Sans waited for them to calm back down before he took a step into the room and lowered them onto Papyrus' bed. As he pulled the covers over them they moaned and began to turn. Sans paused in his movements hoping they would stop and drift back farther into sleep, but their arm was moving, their fingers were searching.

"Az..." Their fingers curled into the thick fabric of the quilt and they froze; rigid as their sleeping mind registered the change and threw itself into wakefulness. Sans could see their eyes opening wide. He was frozen in place as well as their eyes landed on him and their entire demeanor changed.

"S-Sans?" They started, the fear was tense in their voice. It was as if they had changed into an entirely different person at the sight of him.

"kid, i know it's called a flower bed and all but i don't think you're actually meant to sleep in it." It took a few moments for their face to appear more calm, sad even. They looked out across the room, taking in where they were. They looked down at their hands that were now playing with the covers; a finger twirling between the threads that tied and held the quilt together. "and toriel was gettin' worried. you shouldn't run off not tellin' anybody where you are. you could go fallin' into mountains full of monsters or something. you probably shouldn't do that."

They were still silent. Sans wasn't sure they were breathing.

"kid?" He asked, starting to get concerned. Their fingers stopped twirling and seized the threads with a tight fist.

"S-Sans..." They began. "Can I..." They sank deeper onto the bed. "Can I stay?"

"i mean it's past one, not like imma throw you out." They were quiet and something uneasy began to stir in Sans' ribcage. "wait... you mean... are you asking something else?"

Sans was doubting his understanding of what was going on. The kid looked sick as they lifted their shoulders around their neck.

"Can I stay with Toriel?" They asked, tears clear in their voice. Sans' expression widened in surprise.

"why would you be asking me?" He asked, still not understanding what they meant. "if you wanna go ahead." They were shaking their head.

"I-Is it okay with _you_?" Sans frowned, the unease spreading into what would have been his stomach.

"of course you can, kid." He said, his tone growing more grave. They didn't seem convinced. He heard them sniffle before speaking again.

"Are you... Are you just saying that because you think it's what will make me happy?" Sans put his hands into his pockets.

"well why wouldn't you want to be happy?"

"Sans!" They cried out, finally looking up at him, tears streaming down their cheeks. "I'm asking what you want!"

Sans' frown was deepening into a scowl. He was not understanding this one bit-

"I don't want you to be worried about making me happy, just because I'm... I'm the anomaly. I... I want to know what you want. Wh-What you think..."

Sans felt the unease shift into something sick as he watched them. The kid lowered their head again, unable to look at him as they continued to cry. The unease was now like a solid, cold rock inside him as he sat down on the bed. He hadn't been prepared for them to just spring it all on him. Even though he felt like they had done it before... He still hadn't been ready. Especially not with how they had been acting this entire Reset. But he guessed that was just their fear as to what he would say...

"I..." They tried to start up again and Sans realized he had taken too long to respond. "I didn't..." Their strained voice trailed off, unable to complete the sentence. They lifted one of their hands to cover their eyes as they shuttered.

"kid." Sans started, reaching out for them. He rested his hand on their shoulder as he shifted closer. They didn't look up and he took his other hand and put it under their chin. Sans lifted their face. They breathed in sharp, the sound cutting as they struggled to breathe. They looked terrified."frisk-"

Their eyes pressed closed and Sans leaned in closer.

"i want you to stay." He begged. His hand moved from under their chin to their other shoulder as their eyes reopened and he leaned to down to be eye to eye. "i want you to stay." Sans said again. "i want you, me, everyone to stay right here. in this timeline. together."

His voice was earnest and shaky but he hesitated. Their eyes...

"i want there to always be a tomorrow. **with** you. i want to be your friend and i hate that i feel like i can't!" He could feel that he was on the verge of crying, too. Especially at the way their face shattered in renewed pain.

"I'm sorry." They cried. "I'm so sorry!"

They wanted to collapse onto the bed, Sans could feel it in how their shoulders slacked and their head dropped. Instead, he pulled them into a hug; his arms keeping them close against his ribcage as they sobbed. They buried their face in his jacket and he rubbed their back. The motion just as much of a comfort to him as it was to them.

He wondered how many times they'd had this conversation. With different variations. Not that he thought they were playing with him, somehow that wasn't the case; just that they thought they needed to keep saying it. But this felt like there was something new with it too. They were apologizing for something new...

"I'm done!" Frisk cried out with renewed breath. "I'm done, I promise I'm done..." They said as they swallowed down a sob. "You're staying, I p-promise." They took another shaky breath as they began to pull away. "I... I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!"

They had to hide their face in his jacket again as they crumbled.

"I just wanted you to see the sun again, I wanted you to keep the sun, I'm sorry-" They were rambling uselessly and Sans supported the back of their head.

"shh... it's okay. if it's really over, it's okay..."

The tears were really forming in his own eye sockets now...

God was he really here? Was this actually happening? Were they really telling him it was over?

They'd... told him that before.

The hard feeling was rising up again in his ribcage. He knew he had grown tense holding them but he hadn't expected them to notice. They did, though. Almost immediately. They looked up as they began to get ahold of themself, the fear slipping through them as they looked up in concern. His tears were lingering at the sides of his eyes but couldn't fall. The kid could see it.

"I promise..." They said as if them saying it again that earnestly could get him to believe. There was a second where he couldn't force himself to respond; to force himself to at least look convinced. Their eyes narrowed and their lip trembled. "Do you hate me?"

Several emotions cut through him at once and none of them was hate.

But he was grimacing, his magic tight.

"i'm just... tired." He admitted. "tired of this." They were still staring; something in their expression. Sans' arms slacked around them. "i don't hate you, frisk..."

They sniffled but instead of burying themself away again after his assurance like he had expected, they sat up more; forcing his arms to fall away as they lifted a sleeved arm to whip at their face.

Something like determination was filling them. Their legs were pulling close to their chest as they sat beside him, staring out across the dark room. There was a moment of weighted silence as Sans waited for them to say something.

"I wasn't going to break The Barrier..." They whispered. Sans froze again. They lowered their head onto their knees as they let that information sit there between the two of them. He mulled over it after the initial wave of shock subsided.

Somehow... it didn't feel new. Sure there was surprise, but he didn't feel... upset. Like he he felt he should have. Like their tense muscles as they hugged their legs close told him they expected him to be. It just wasn't... happening. Maybe that was because he had given up on staying on the surface anyways. But it... felt like it could have been something more than that. Sans forced himself to ease up again, even if only a little bit.

"why?" He knew why he had given up on The Barrier, but them? They had been okay with leaving everyone underground? They lifted their head from their legs but they weren't crying again. They just stared at their knees.

"I was scared..." They admitted. "I'm still scared... I don't know how it's going to play out. I don't know how the humans..." Their voice trailed off for a moment more. "I just couldn't. In the end I couldn't... I wanted..." They turned their head towards him; slow, cautious. "In... In Judgment Hall you always say that, as long as I do what's in my heart, and I... What the right thing is, I still have no idea! But..." There were still traces of tears at the edges of their eyes as they finally met his gaze. "I couldn't keep this from all of you. Even if it all goes bad, you deserve to be up here!"

Their teeth were gritted together as they looked downward again, guilt radiating off of them.

"But I didn't..." They drew their legs in even closer. "I didn't talk to you. I didn't talk to you before I Reset, and I'd..." They were breathing a bit funny and- "I'm sorry."

They took an uneven breath to steady themself.

"I told you that that was it! I'd told you I was done then, too, and I... It was a mistake! I knew right away when I realized it! I-! I hurt you again!" Their hands were against their forehead. "I didn't mean to break your trust, I'm so sorry!" Their throat was tight as they edged closer to crying again, but were too urgent to let tears get in their way. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I- I didn't mean-"

"hey." Sans called out again, wrapping an arm around them. They flinched. "frisk, hey..." They tried to take a deep breath, to blink back the tears, but they couldn't hide the guilt they were feeling, about how torn up they were.

And Sans couldn't ignore the uplifting sensation he was feeling because of it. Because he knew their guilt was genuine. Because that meant _they_ meant what they were saying. Which meant he was one step closer to being able to accept that maybe, just maybe, they were up here for good.

"I'd promised!" They once again cried.

"well you're fulfilling it now, okay?" Sans said, giving them an opening. They looked up at him quickly, hope brimming in their eyes. They nodded. They couldn't stop nodding.

"I promise..." They breathed. "I promise we're staying. This is staying. I'm done..."

They couldn't stop pleading, begging him to believe. He couldn't fully. Not 100%. Not yet. But he could at least let himself start to. He could at least accept that there would be a sunrise in a few more hours. He could accept that he could... trust them. At least, now knowing what he did about why he had felt surprised about this Reset, he could start to assess his mixed feelings with accuracy and decide.

"how about we get some sleep, alright?"

The kid blinked and he saw something in their gaze that said they were far from done. But they also looked exhausted. Their expression was sad as they nodded and began to lay down. Sans pulled the covers over them and tucked them in. They just looked so down. Sans paused...

"kid..." He began again and they peeked upwards. His hand went into their hair and he leaned down close to their face. "i meant what i said, too..." He told them. "i want you to stay."

There was another flash of uncertainty in their eyes and the hand in their hair shifted so it was on their cheek.

"i really want you to stay, frisk..." Their lips pressed together, trying to form an awkward smile, and Sans felt like he was watching them decide something before they nodded. "goodnight, kiddo..." He said as he took his hand off of their cheek and began to stand up.

"Sans...?" He turned back around.

"I love you." Frisk sounded small but genuine and Sans was solid in place. There was a strange feeling in his ribcage that was much better than unease. A wide smile spreading across his face but he knew they could just barely see it in the darkness.

"i love you too, frisk..."

There were no conflicting feelings about that.


	3. Affording To Listen

* * *

Giving up is easy when nothing sticks. You grow tired. You give yourself to apathy; not caring what happens next because it doesn't really matter in the end.

Talking about it isn't worth anything. Even if you do, nobody you tell can do anything about it. They either don't really understand the situation or are powerless to fix it. Or both. Mostly both. Or sometimes, even worse... They listen without actually listening.

Things would move on without ever moving on... It was all the same. Nothing new. The same thing. Always having everything ripped away in the end even though you had put your all into it or hadn't even tried.

You were powerless... Your voice had no meaning.

You could only pretend to smile even though you've given up on going back a long time ago. If you got a glimpse of something, it was ripped away. That was the only consistency. The loss just repeated. There was nothing else.

You were alone even when surrounded by a multitude of people because no one else could understand how this feels... or because others got it too well. They just didn't want to. Caring just gave you another chance at being hurt. Hoping just set you up to fall.

But... Sometimes... You couldn't help it. You couldn't help but want something to be real. To be yours so badly that you gave in. You let yourself care. You clung to hope. You stayed determined. Somehow. Someway. Maybe it was that the alternative just wasn't an option... Maybe you had no other choice but to hope. To care. It was a disaster in the making you couldn't help but entertain... No matter how difficult it became.

And sometimes...

You were waking up to a new day in the same spot, miraculously in the same spot. The sound of one of the people you loved most calling your name... Drawing you out of slumber... From the dream you had been clinging to just to discover it hadn't been a dream at all. It'd all been real.

"SANS! FRISK!"

It made it the slightest bit easier.

And that was how it started. For both Sans and Frisk... With Papyrus throwing open the front door nearly off its hinges in his excitement...

The uneasy, uncertainty was overtaken by his brother's unbounding energy and Sans let out a breathless chuckle. He almost felt accepting; he admittedly already felt a lot better. And judging by the look on the kid's face, they probably did too.

The kid was nearly on their tippy toes as they smiled up at Papyrus, moving from one foot to the next as they rotated around him as he talked and they absorbed the energy Papyrus was giving off. There was a look of hesitance in their expression but at the same time... hope.

This was new for them too, Sans remembered. New and scary but hopeful.

Undyne was quick behind Papyrus, her voice loud and booming as Alphys trailed in after her.

It was a whirlwind from there.

But one thing stood out above the rest: Sans realized he enjoyed watching the dawn a lot more than he had the sunset the day before.

Sans eyed the kid a few meters away from him as they stood somewhat between Toriel and Asgore, a strange expression on their face. The smile was still there from when they had accepted Toriel's invitation, but something had flashed oddly again at Asgore asking them if they had considered his offer to be ambassador yet.

They refused.

That was fine, everyone agreed, moving on readily past that without another thought. They were just a kid, afterall... Nobody could blame them. But Sans could see that there was something else there too. It was there in their eyes. In that strange flash. They hadn't been exaggerating the night before when they had told him they still didn't know what the right thing to do was.

The kid lingered back even as the whirlwind continued around them; the world moving on as they seemed frozen with fear. Sans stepped in next to them.

"kid?" Their eyes flickered up to him, the strange expression remaining.

"Was that okay?" They whispered even through their smile. Sans blinked in surprise, thrown off the slightest bit. "Was that selfish?" They didn't seem sure of themself in that moment... Sans realized he hated that. He hated that was how they always regarded him. That when they weren't a determined force to be reckoned with or putting up a semblance of a true smile, it was this that greeted him.

"no. that wasn't selfish." Sans tried. There was more of that flinching guilt and this time he wasn't reassured by it. Sans didn't think they believed him... Sans thought a part of them still didn't believe that he was alright with them staying, either. Just like he couldn't be certain about it not all Resetting.

But it couldn't be helped. There was only time for that... It they really did get that far.

But the kid was looking up at him, terrified again.

"I want to... talk to you about... everything." They stressed 'everything' even as a whisper. Even without that their eyes said it all. Their eyes told him exactly what 'everything' implied. They wanted to talk about everything. About the timelines. _Everything_ everything.

Except they also really, really didn't _want_ to.

He'd been here before.

There was something twisting in Sans' not-stomach that was growing. He let off a soft chuckle.

"heh. i think it's best if we just let by bones be by bones." He said with a half shrug, giving them an apologetic look through his smile. Their face fell; surprise in their expression and in their eyes. But not relief. If anything... There was a glimpse of hurt. Sans refused to back down. He tilted his head and tried to sound as encouraging as possible. "go ahead and join the others, they're going to notice you're slacking behind. don't want them to think my bad habits are rubbing off on you."

He was going to trust them, Sans willed silently. It was best if they both just accepted what they had and attempted to move on. He already had his suspicions and they clearly didn't want to dwell on it, so let it remain forgotten and move on. He was going to cut them some slack. It didn't matter. It didn't. They were here now. There wasn't a point in focusing on a past that hadn't happened. He... He couldn't do that.

**It didn't matter.**

But the hurt in their eyes... it didn't disappear. For a moment Sans thought they would fight him on the subject.. but they didn't. Instead, Sans was tense as he watched something in them close off.

They didn't bring it up again.

The first weeks were completely unreal. The first weeks were a whirlwind of situation after situation. The first weeks had Sans adjusting to the sensation of time actually moving forward. Of everything being _new_... because it was. The first weeks had Sans adjusting to waking up staring at the ceiling being able to remember almost every detail of the day before like it had actually happened... because it _had_.

This was sticking. He had to work at things... They _mattered_.

It was exhausting.

A good sort of exhausting most of the time, but exhausting. He wasn't even in charge of much, though, with his shortcuts, he had been grappled into helping more and more as people moved above ground and into the temporary settlement that was springing up at the base of the mountian; temporary because things were still being worked out in more detail with the humans.

Everyone was busy, those first few weeks. Sans didn't see the kid much... Well... That wasn't true.

He saw them all the time, but it was only in their interactions with other people. It was almost the same as it had been in the Underground. They talked to him, but the two didn't _talk_. There was nothing to say. Or... nothing they could say.

One barrier had replaced another. Whatever wall they had constructed when he had rejected them without actually rejecting them remained. It would go with time, Sans told himself. It would mend. They just had to let go... Like Sans was trying to. They just had to try.

But... They seemed to be trying. It just wasn't working.

Even if they didn't bring it up again, Sans knew it was there.. He could read their face even as they kept their distance. He could glimpse into the thoughts in their eyes each time they looked his way; across the crowd or over their shoulder.

It was peculiar... He and the kid didn't exactly talk, but Sans was beginning to realize just how much the kid searched for him in the group. They were always looking his way for answers. It was almost... unsettling.

Sans always felt powerless before... It was startling to come to realize how seriously the kid took his words; even masked with a joke as it often was.

It was.. terrifying.

It was terrifying to comprehend the power in his hands that he hadn't even noticed was there. This whole time... He had felt powerless. Him voicing his opinion was pointless because the kid would do whatever they thought anyways regardless of how Sans felt. If Sans had any power surely the Resets would have ended a long time ago, right? Wouldn't they have? If the kid truly cared...

But the kid did care. Each day it was apparent they cared a whole lot.

Maybe all of this was just the accumulation of Resets. Sans was sure he hadn't always had this power over the kid. He was sort of curious as to what had happened, but... No. He had decided. There wasn't a point... He.. didn't want to listen to that.

But...

It was still terrifying.

It was terrifying to realize that if he had told them that, no, they couldn't stay with Toriel, they really would have left.

It was terrifying because he couldn't understand it, not really, not at first...

And once he started to understand, it was sickening... It chilled him down to the **bone**.

As the first few weeks turned into a month, and then a month slipped closer to two... Sans understood and he regretted it dearly.

Even as nobody brought it up around the kid, as certain things rose up in discussions with the humans... about Frisk... about the things Sans knew that the kid did not want the Monsters to know but leaked through anyways...

It was terrifying to realize that if he had told them that they couldn't have stayed with Toriel, they really would have left despite having _nowhere else to go_.

It was terrifying to realize that even as Sans couldn't fully trust that the Resets were done because that was what always happened... The kid couldn't fully trust that they would not be sent away because that was all they'd ever known.

Sans watched the kid playing in the crisp, fallen leaves with some of their new classmates; making piles and laughing as the group then proceeded to destroy said piles. Sans watched, feeling incredibly light and his breath escaping him as his latest conversation with Toriel played on repeat in his head. Frisk lifted their head, almost as if they could feel him watching. They froze in their play, their eyes catching his. Sans watched as momentarily something painful flash in their expression before their amber eyes shimmered gold in the sunlight and they forced themself to join in the fun once again. But as they smiled, it was not as genuine as before; their mind halfway somewhere else. Half settled in dread.

This kid... All that time thinking of them as the anomaly. All that time dreading _their_ next action, his inability to do anything about it as they held the power of time between their little fingers... Never knowing that was the only power they've ever had.

This _kid_... They'd never had a say in anything in their entire life. They'd never had anybody to listen to them. Just like Sans had never had anybody to listen to _him_. Not anybody who would understand, at least... Sans had Papyrus after all, but there was only so much Sans could tell him. And telling Papyrus when Sans knew he had told him before... That had been more than pointless.

This didn't _have to_ be pointless...

And that was almost the most terrifying thing of all.

This didn't have to be pointless if he put an effort into it. Sans stood petrified as he watched them fall back down into the leaves, pretending to be alright for their friends...

If he listened... he would understand the Resets. If he listened, he would be able to recognize and sort through everything that weighed him down despite not remembering. Maybe he could even trust that another Reset wasn't bound to happen. Maybe the kid could believe that they could stay.

Talking about this... Listening. As much as neither of them really wanted to do it, they needed to. For both their sakes and for the sake of whatever friendship they could form, Sans couldn't afford to pretend not to care about the past anymore. Sans couldn't afford not to listen... and the kid? They deserved to be listened to. At the very least there was that.

It was two months after The Barrier had broken that Sans finally cleaned the ink off of his telescope...

The kid's expression was wide with uncertain surprise when he arrived unannounced at Toriel's with the telescope in hand. Toriel, though, gave him her warmest smile as she welcomed him in and it did nothing to help how cold he felt.

"thought i'd finally do some real stargazing. heard there is supposed to be a meteor shower and it's a full moon. i was just wondering if the kid wanted to come along and spend the night since they don't have school." Sans offered, as if it had all been a casual after thought. Toriel was still beaming. She was immediately sold.

Frisk on the other hand seemed to linger a bit too far back behind Toriel. Not exactly hiding behind her, but their face made it seem that they wanted to. Their gaze was suspicious and appraising. Sans felt exposed; if he could read them, they must be even better at reading him. Sans could see that they didn't know what to make of his false smile and offer. Especially since he had been avoiding them since the moment the two had met. And he had been. It may have been a whirlwind, but he had also been holding back. They had followed his lead, not pushing it. Not pushing anything. Accepting. Resigned. He hated that. Man, the guilt was everywhere, pressing down on him. He hated that he had done this to the kid. The kid who literally had enough determination to rewind the very threads of time was afraid of him. As scared of him as he was scared of them.

_"Sans... I love you..."_

_"i love you too, frisk..."_

They were total messes.

The kid had a change of clothes and some snacks in a small backpack as they stepped in beside him. They both offered Toriel their own bright smiles; pretending everything was fine between them just like they had for the last two months. But as soon as they were alone, the kid's smile grew thin and there was silence. He could catch them glancing up at him as he stared straight ahead; not looking them in the eyes. They looked ahead too.

"Is Papyrus coming?" They asked, trying to sound friendly and unaffected as they kicked a stone. They were trying to reach out to him and patch things up, taking his invitation as an opportunity to do just that. They were right. It was. But it wasn't on their shoulders to patch things up anymore, they had done that by not Resetting. It was Sans' turn.

"nah. just us."

"Oh..." The kid didn't say anything else at first, clearly thinking. They lowered their gaze and watched their footing. "Where are we going?" Their voice wasn't behind the question. It was laced with the faintest touch of fear. Something else jolted in Sans and he finally turned his head towards them.

"kid, i'm not sending you away." They looked up as they continued to walk. There was a glimmer of guilt in the back of their eyes and their dark, golden cheeks burned pink. Sans tucked the telescope under his arm and reached out the other towards them. "come here, frisk..." They leaned in and Sans wrapped his arm around their shoulder. They were gripping at the straps of their bag too tightly as they looked back down.

"I know..." They said, but Sans could tell that they just couldn't accept it. He knew the feeling... The kid glanced back up at him, their face fearful. "And I know you all..." They stopped and their lips pressed together. They couldn't keep his eye contact. They looked off to the side. "I know you know..." They whispered. "Toriel... She tried to talk to me, not directly about it, but... she was trying to assure me, but I..."

So she had brought it up to the kid. Sans hadn't been so sure that she would. It was obvious how Frisk felt about it just from the fact that they hadn't brought it up, hadn't even mentioned a thing. They outright avoided any questions that hinted at their knowledge of the surface. Sometimes they acted as if they had come up from the mountain for the first time, too. And the way Toriel had spoken to Sans, too; perhaps it was best not to touch the scars. But apparently just like Sans she had realized it wasn't working.

The kid came to a halt, both verbally and physically and Sans squeezed their forearm. Frisk flinched uncomfortably and he let go, though he kept his arm wrapped around them... This was out of his usual realm of capabilities.

"i don't know everything..." He admitted. "just about the homes." Their grimace deepened. "you don't have to tell us anything you don't want to, but just know, that if you do, we'll listen, frisk... i'll listen."

They were finally looking back up at him, the hurt he had seen two months ago was breaking through; the barrier they had formed to protect themself flickered but they were still too unsure. Sans could see it in their amber eyes: how could Sans tell them that when he wouldn't actually listen?

"i mean it." He said. "i'll listen." He sighed. His smile turned into a grimace that tried to act too casual. "i'm sorry..." He told them. "before i just thought... i didn't see why it was important. now i see that i was the one being selfish. i'm sorry." Their mouth opened in surprise. "a part of me just thought i was doing what was best. what the right thing was..." He let out a small chuckle. "you're not the other one who doesn't know what the right thing to do is at all times."

They were tense but their eyes were narrowing sadly as they turned their head to stare forward at nothing.

"but like i said, you don't have to tell us anything you don't want to."

"But I have to." They said, stressing the 'have to' as their face narrowed even more in pain. "I have to." They were just scared. They didn't want to, but they had to... To make anything better they had to. It would hurt, it would be awful, but they _had to_.

It didn't matter that they had told him bits of it before. Maybe it made it even worse... Actually, Sans was certain that it made it worse. He feared that maybe in the past he hadn't been as understanding, just like he hadn't had that much control over Frisk. Not _control_ , but they hadn't put so much weight in what he thought. Maybe his trust, his 'understanding', had also built up over the Resets.

After all, he knew he couldn't hate them, yet also knew that once, he had. He had _**really**_ hated them. He _should_ hate them. But he couldn't.

And if they were really going to do this, he was finally going to know why. It made his magic race.

He really, really, _really_ didn't want to listen. He didn't want to know even though he already did. He didn't want it to be sure.

And they really, really, _really_ didn't want to tell him... They still thought he could hate them. But it wasn't that. Sure, he wasn't going to like this... But not in the way they suspected. To know that they, the one who loved the Monsters so much and cared, had once been hurt enough to hurt all of them in turn.

They were shaking...

"it doesn't have to be right now..." He told them gently. "after all, i wasn't lying about the meteor shower." They nodded, their eyes closed as they lifted their head and gave him a smile; the closest they could to a real one in that moment. No... It was real. Even while being broken.

Sans being willing to listen to them... That was enough. It was enough.

Sans and the kid sat on a blanket they had spread out, the telescope set up beside them and an array of snacks readily available behind them. The moon shone brightly about Mt. Ebott. The twinkling of the town, human and monster, mirrored the stars like a pool below. Shooting stars, real stars, real wishes, were streaking across the sky every so often... Sans had a map of the moon in his lap and Frisk had their head rested against his shoulder as they looked it over with him and he pointed out certain features.

Sans decided that he kinda like the moon just as much as the sun... It's colours were a lot less vibrant but still had a beauty to it. A different type of beauty. It was scarred and imperfect. You only got to see one side of it, at varying degrees, even though you knew there was a whole lot more there. Sometimes it disappeared, unable to reflect the sun's light to Earth.

"But what about the man?" The kid asked.

"huh?" Sans glanced their way.

"There's supposed to be a man on the moon, a picture you can draw up from the dark parts."

"the maria."

"The maria." They agreed. Sans looked their face over and as he did they seemed to grow a bit uneasy. "I don't really get it..." They offered; as if they thought they might have said something wrong. Sans looked back up at the moon and studied it.

"a man, huh?" He asked. He felt them relax against him. He eyed them briefly in the corner of his vision as they too examined the moon, seeming to look for him too.

They each stared at the moon for a bit longer.

"i kinda see a rabbit." Sans admitted. They tilted their head.

"Where?" Sans brought up the map and began to trace it with his boney finger. Their eyes were lighting up but then they squinted at the map; their eyes searching among the names. They were frowning. "I still don't see the man." They grumbled. Their expression narrowed even further, a spark of gold determination. They pouted as if somebody had insulted them for not being about to see it. Sans laughed and the gold spark disappeared as they looked up.

"not the end of the world, kiddo." Sans said. "but you can keep at it. got the rest of your life. the moon ain't going nowhere." He could see it in their eyes that what he had said had struck them differently than he had intended. He realized his old tone may have slipped into it. The one where he wasn't saying what he really meant; a second, sarcastic message layered into it.

_"what's that look supposed to mean? am i wrong?"_

Sans gave them another apologetic smile, but he didn't say the apology out loud. Old habits died hard.

The warmth was draining between them. The kid leaned away and crossed their legs as they stared at the moon above. Sans felt a prick of guilt. This was the first time he and the kid had gotten even close to hanging out without any real strings attached. He'd meant to be open... The kid looked torn. But it hardened as he watched; more determined than they had been before. Sans saw the decision on their face even as it lingered in fear.

They were going to do this. They were actually doing this... Sans wasn't prepared and he held his breath.

He really, really, really, _**really**_ didn't want to do this... but he could see that his assumption that they also didn't want to had been wrong. Even if slightly. They wanted to do this. They were determined to. It was just that they were scared to. They were scared of what would happen. It was possible to not want something and want it at the same time.

But they were determined.

Sans looked down at the map of the moon, his eyes flickering over the feature names as he waited for them to speak.

Lacus Temporis. Lacus Oblivionis. Lacus Solitudinis. Lacus Timoris. Lacus Mortis. Lacus Odii. Oceanus Procellarum. Mare Marginis. Mare Cognitum. Sinus Fidei. Mare Imbrium. Lacus Spei. Sinus Amoris. Mare Serenitatis.

"Sans..." He lowered the map and turned his head towards them expectantly. Their fingers were gripping their knees, their knuckles nearly white as they continued to look upwards. "I didn't come here to die."

"i never said ya did." Sans breathed; something light was fluttering in his ribcage. Out of all the things he expected them to start with that was **not** one of them. But this feeling- Their bangs hid their eyes as the kid lowered their head.

"I was tired. I climbed the mountain because... I was tired." They brought up their knees and hugged them. "I know exactly how you feel. It was endless. Nothing stayed. I could never stay! I didn't... I didn't want to die. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to stay." Sans could already hear the tears in their voice. They didn't want to keep talking. But they had to... He was willing to listen and they had to... They just... "But in the end I..."

.

*You should get going...

.

"I made a real mess of things."


	4. Affording To Come Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the journey ends. So the tale begins.

"so. your journey's almost over, huh?"

In that first timeline... Frisk hadn't done much. They hadn't made friends, not really. Papyrus was the exception but that wasn't necessarily Frisk's doing. Yet a part of them, Frisk wanted to think they could count Sans as their friend, too. He was always trying to make them smile even as they kept avoiding him. But he was right, their journey was coming to an end. Maybe that was why they had finally taken up one of his invitations. One last chance to get it right... But...

Frisk gripped at the bottom of their sweater and fidgeted. Sans had invited them to dinner, but they couldn't help but notice that there was no dinner. Or seats for that matter. It was making them anxious, their lips pressed together. Sans was offering that near perpetual grin of his as he eyed them. He clearly wanted to talk about something... Frisk had never been much good at talking.

"you must really wanna go home."

Frisk flinched, they couldn't help it. Dread was filling their stomach and they looked down quickly; their fingers tight around the fabric between them. They hoped Sans hadn't caught it... They hoped he hadn't noticed.

"hey. i know the feeling, bucko."

There was a brief moment of relief.

"though... maybe sometimes it's better to take what's given to you."

The dread returned full force. He had... He had noticed. Frisk peeked up past their bangs. Sans wasn't looking at them though. He was looking off to the side as he cringed. Frisk watched his expression, their eyes wide; wondering what he was going to do...

"down here you've already got food, drink, friends..." He was looking right at them now and Frisk felt like a rabbit in the headlights. Caught out. Caught up in the moment; adrenaline starting to flood through them.

_"I know we do not have much, but... We can have a good life here."_

"is what you have to do..." Sans couldn't keep Frisk's gaze and they felt almost thankful. "...really worth it?"

Frisk blinked. They weren't sure what he meant to mean by that. Not yet anyways. They would later, but right then they were grasping at Alphy's lie like a lifeline: that their Soul was strong enough to cross The Barrier on it's own. Frisk watched Sans, their mind racing without any clear thought, just a current of feelings, as Sans turned entirely away from them. His whole body.

What they had to do to get to the surface..? Just getting to the surface in general...

*You don't want to go.

Frisk shoved that thought down as far as possible. The growing sensation had gotten into a severe habit of speaking Frisk's mind without their say so; pesky and annoying with Frisk unable to reign it in. It suggested things Frisk didn't want to think about at times. Things that they were trying to keep away from themself. It was as if a deeper part of them had awoken when they had on a bed of flowers. Some part of them that had been awoken by the magic of the underground. Their determination. Their inner most voice. Maybe a concussion...

Frisk looked down, away from Sans now too, but they couldn't hide away from themself. The voice that knew them best just wouldn't let it be and it rose up undaunted.

*You really don't think it's worth it...

But Frisk had to. They had to keep going. They had made that decision a long time ago.

*Change your mind.

They heard Sans sigh as he turned his body back towards them. But when they peeked up past their bangs, they found he was still glancing off to the side; still away from them.

"ah, forget it." He said suddenly, much to Frisk's relief. They weren't ready to think about this. That was another reason they had agreed to come with him. Admittedly, they were dragging their feet. Sans met their gaze once again. "i'm rootin' for ya, kid."

Frisk's head snapped upward, their eyes widening. Something warm stirred within them and they couldn't stop a soft smile. They thought they saw the lights in his eyes lose some of their light and he physically turned away from them again. Away from their smile. The warmth stopped and anxiety twisted their insides.

What? What was it? What was wrong? What else had he wanted to talk to them about?

"hey." Sans was meeting their gaze again and that was reassuring, but they still didn't feel easy. Frisk had had too many conversations with adults who made it a point to look in their eyes even when they didn't want to. "let me tell you a story."

The smile on his face. It shifted. It could have been in remembrance, but... a part of Frisk saw another cringe. He couldn't keep his eyes on them, though he had tried. He kept turning away as he spoke. Frisk was looking down too as the story unfolded; the story of Toriel and Sans and the door...

*You miss her...

Yes, Frisk missed her. They always miss the ones they leave behind... No matter what happens. They always want to go back.

_"Please do not come back."_

And they never can...

They can never stay and they can never go back... That was how it worked.

"if a human ever comes through this door... could you please, please promise something? watch over them, and protect them, will you not?"

"now, i hate making promises." Sans was continuing and Frisk was solid in place. They were trying not to tear up. That would do no good. "and this woman, i don't even know her name."

*You had wanted to call her 'Mom'..

"but... someone who sincerely likes bad jokes has an integrity you can't say 'no' to." Sans said with a wink.

_"But please... go upstairs..."_

Frisk was tense, uneasy... Their heart was beating a little too quickly, a little too erratic.

Fight or Flight... Fight or-

"do you get what i'm saying?" Sans asked, almost, just _almost_ , apologetically but not quite. "that promise i made to her... you know what would have happened if she hadn't said anything?" Frisk's fingers were closed too tightly, like their throat at most times. Sans' eyes closed. "...buddy." He turned away, it was ominous, not just a nervous tick, ominous...

Frisk was scared.

When his eyes reopened they couldn't see any light...

**"...You'd be dead where you stand."**

Frisk's mouth fell open, they knew the pain and surprise was clear on their face. They'd figured this was where it was going. That without the promise he would have attacked them. Like Papyrus had. Like Undyne and all the rest. Like he had been meant to. But this...

Frisk felt cold. The innermost part of them was silent.

As Sans' eyes closed and he turned back towards them with his goofy smile, Frisk still felt surrounded by the darkness of his eyes.

"hey, lighten up, bucko!" He called as the lights in his eyes returned for the visible pun. As if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't just threatened them- "i'm just joking with you."

Sans was winking again, but it wasn't the same. Nothing was the same... The fragile world, the fragile understanding Frisk had built up over the last two days had been yanked out from underneath them...

Not 'i would have killed you where you stood'. Not.. Not anything past tense, not anything to suggest that... That... That he wouldn't still attack them now. Right then. That he wouldn't still _kill_ them...

Everything was cold... Their expression unchanged, stuck in their sense of loss...

Frisk had wanted to count him as their friend. Maybe that had been a bit selfish, considering that they had done all they could to ignore him, but... but it had always... always comforted them that he had continued to try.

"besides... haven't i done a great job protecting you?" He asked jovially. There were tears in the back of their eyes, they could feel them, just barely there, maybe not even noticeable yet. "i mean, look at yourself." He continued. He winked again... "you haven't died a single time."

Pain. It was there, distinctly in their expression. Pain as they remembered it searing through their body. Of the soft chime, the tight pull that came when they were revived and returned to the previous Save Star as their inner voice had called it.

"hey, what's that look supposed to mean? am i wrong?" Their lips were still slightly parted, he couldn't even know... He just couldn't understand.

They'd wanted... They'd wanted to count him as their friend...

"heh." He was turning away from them. He was walking away from them. He was leaving them behind... Frisk stood there watching, feeling incredibly alone..

He was so far away from them, physically and emotionally, but he was offering a smile, a new wink, his voice was friendly, but it had to be a lie...

"well, that's all." Frisk's heart was picking up the pace, something pinging inside them as they realized... This might be goodbye! After all that... "take care of yourself, kid." It was. It was goodbye. Like all the other times before. "cause someone really cares about you."

He was walking away.

Frisk felt something tight in their chest, rising up in their throat but unable to call out. Usually, they could at least get one or two words out. A thank you. _It was nice to meet you._ But this time they were speechless, powerless... He was walking away... and they felt torn.

Someone really cared about them?

Undyne wanted their skin.

Papyrus hadn't stood up for them.

Sans had just threatened them.

Toriel had...

Someone really cared about them?

..

.

"Toriel was the first one to kill me."

.

"I want you to have a nice time living here." Toriel had said. The smell of pie filled the house and it was as warm as Toriel's smile. As warm as her hand as it wrapped gently over Frisk's. The fur was soft and the claws on the tips of Toriel's fingers were careful to not pierce their skin as she guided them along and down the hall to their other surprise. Her smile remained and she glanced down at them with a kind expression as they followed her lead. It was the same smile she had given them the first moment they had met her. The smile that had transformed Frisk's panic and terror into simple surprise. Frisk knew that smile.

_"Ah, do not be afraid, my child. I am Toriel, caretaker of the Ruins."_

Caretaker... Caregiver...

Her smile pleaded for their trust, it revealed someone who truly wanted to help even if they weren't sure they were able to. Frisk had seen that smile so many times.

But her eyes were something different. Her eyes weren't just kind, but soft, they were...

*Loving...

Frisk ignored the voice's word suggestion and let their gaze trail along the side of the hall Toriel was guiding them down. She came to a quick and excited stop.

"This is it!" She exclaimed. "A room of your own. I hope you like it!"

Frisk eyed the door but froze solid as Toriel's hand rested atop their head. She rubbed their head and as Frisk viewed her in the corner of their eyes they could see something in her own. Something shining and genuinely happy. Her mind seemed somewhere else, like she was thinking way ahead into the future. But suddenly, the air turned bitter and she blinked as she turned away from them.

"Is something burning..." She asked. Her face fell in alarm. "Um, make yourself at home."

Frisk watched her go in silence. She had said the words to hastily as she had hurried off. Those words tumbling out so carelessly. People always did. Frisk's eyes remained wide and unblinking. Even when she was out of sight, they stood there. Their mind was silent but absorbing everything around them. Absorbing it and unable to make anything out of it... All they had was their previous experiences and things were... were exactly the same but not. Something was off. Something was different. The same but different... Frisk just couldn't put their finger on it.

*Look at these cool toys!

*They don't interest you at all.

Frisk's eyes appraised the perfectly laid room. They looked over each thing. Each piece of the puzzle.

*(A box of kids' shoes in a disparity of sizes.)

Frisk's shoulders dropped as everything weighed down on them...

Frisk slid into the bed... It felt... nice. Like it could have been theirs. If they closed their eyes. And they did. They closed their eyes. If they just didn't think about it. The toys, the shoes, the coloured picture on the wall. They could pretend this was their bed. That it would stay their bed...

*You found a slice of butterscotch-cinnamon pie.

_Why did the skeleton want a friend?_ , They read in Toriel's diary. Something inside them was surprised at how easily they did that. How easily they had slipped into Toriel's room. Frisk wasn't sure why, though. They were always being told how little they seemed to care for other people's personal space. That they never knew what was good for them. It was one of their flaws. Like taking food and hoarding it. Like the way they so preferred to stay silent. People underestimated you if you were silent. People let you fade into the background. They were surprised a part of them could still be surprised. But.. it seemed to be the part of them that was just waking up. Frisk's eyes moved to the punchline. _Because she was feeling bonely..._

*You feel as if Toriel has skeletons in her closet

They read the rest of the page, but it was filled with jokes of a similar caliber.

Yes, Toriel was nice... She was kind. She liked jokes. She provided a bed. She provided comfort. She was a strange sort of touchy, though; something Frisk wasn't used to in a caregiver. It just felt... It felt different than the others. Just a bit... like...

_Caregiver_.

*You peek inside...

*Scandalous!

Frisk couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. At their own joke. It had caught themself off guard.

*It's Toriel's sock drawer.

Toriel didn't even _wear_ socks.

*It's you!

Frisk's face was blank in the hallway. Too wide. Too open. Too young. Too vulnerable. Frisk narrowed their eyes and hardened their expression. They took a deep breath and began to make their way back down the hall.

Toriel sat in a comfortable looking chair by the fireplace, a pair of glasses on her muzzle and a book in her hands.

Something beside Frisk _ached_.

Frisk's lips pressed together and they remained in the entrance, watching her. Even now she had her soft smile and that was when Frisk knew for certain that it wasn't a fake one. They hadn't thought so, but that was the first time they had seen her smiling when she didn't know they were watching.

They stayed there in silence for a minute before Toriel moved to change the page and in doing so, noticed them.

"Oh. Up already, I see?" Toriel greeted. Frisk took the time to step into the room and stand across from her, even if it wasn't too close. "Um, I want you to know how glad I am to have someone here."

Someone. Not them, specifically. But she said it with the same smile. The light in her eyes grew as she continued to speak.

"There are so many old books I want to share. I want to show you my favorite bug-hunting spot. I've also prepared a curriculum for your education."

Frisk knew their face was opening again, they just couldn't help it. Their shock was too deep. What she was saying was the same. Plans. But it was her tone. Her expression.

"This may come as a surprise to you, but... I have always wanted to be a teacher." She was frowning, almost pouting. Frisk found a genuine smile on their own face, the edge of a laugh in their chest.

They liked Toriel's face, they realized. At first they had watched her intently because they weren't sure what to make of her. But they liked the way her face moved, changed. She was usually smiling for them, but when she wasn't it showed that there was so much about her that Frisk wanted to know...

"Actually, perhaps that isn't very surprising." Toriel conceded. The small giggle escaped Frisk's chest, surprising themself once again. Toriel's face changed again, seeming encouraged. "STILL." She exclaimed dramatically and Frisk's stomach felt funny... "I am glad to have you living here."

*Mom...

Frisk's smile shattered. Their heart raced even as their chest grew cold. They didn't breathe.

"Oh? Did you want something?" Toriel asked. "What is it?" Frisk shook their head. Nothing. It was nothing. "Well, talk to me again if you need anything."

_This was our new home, which we named... 'Home'. As great as our king in, he is pretty lousy at names.,_ Frisk closed the book, their heart still too unsettled for someone sitting on the living room floor with a book in their lap.

Frisk eyed the brand-name chocolate bar in the fridge but they couldn't bring themself to take it. Something inside them was miffed at that, and Frisk knew it was out of character for them, but they just couldn't conjure up the movements necessary to reach out and grab it. They felt... a strange sort of disconnect with themself. This didn't feel right. None of this felt right. It was the same but not right. It was the same. It wasn't. Everything inside them was uneasy.

*The size of the pie intimidates you too much for you to eat it.

No. It wasn't different. It was exactly the same! The exact same thing was happening and they were letting themself fall in... They had ran away! They had run to avoid exactly this and here they were again! Even when they took the situation into their own hands they were still stuck! Stuck! In this stupid, endless-

.

"A treadmill in the dark..." Sans hated how softly they were speaking. How they could reference a joke he had only planned but hadn't achieved in this timeline. How they understood what it meant so perfectly... But the treadmill was stopped now. It was stopped... "I just couldn't accept the possibility of getting off..."

.

Frisk couldn't stay here... They had to go. Before anything else happened, they had to go. Before they let themself open up. Before they did something stupid and hoped and got hurt again! They had to-

*But-

-to just go! They had to go!

Frisk stormed into the living room, their eyes hard and determined. They stood at Toriel's knee. Not touching her, not resting their hands comfortably against her...

"Oh! Hello! Did you want to hear about the book I'm reading?" Frisk faltered at her easy tone...

They... They wanted to nod. They wanted to tell Toriel they would listen to her snail facts, but they couldn't. Frisk could not pretend like this. Like this was all real. They were done pretending. That had been the entire point. They hated this... They had to go.

"How to exit the Ruins..." Frisk said; their voice cracking from disuse. Immediately, they were blushing at how they had botched the wording. But Toriel didn't answer them... She was rigid as she kept her eyes on her book. She was smiling... but the smile was no longer in her eyes...

"Here is an exciting snail fact." She began again.

Frisk's determination was collapsing in their chest and their firm facade broke. She had heard them... She wasn't going to listen... She ignored them. Somehow that hurt more than anything else she could have done (or so they thought at the time).

"Did you know that snails make terrible shoelaces? Interesting." The sense of betrayal Frisk felt was shoved to the side as they frowned. The determination was regathering itself more readily with their anger.

"How to exit the Ruins." Frisk demanded, refusing to change their original mishapened sentence. Frisk had spoken! They had spoken and she had heard them and they were tired of never being listened to! Frisk felt close to snapping. Maybe they had already snapped a bit...

They had climbed a mountain nobody was said to ever return from...

But if they couldn't stay. They would go! They were tired of waiting for the adults to decide! They were going to go! They had to go...

"..." Toriel's expression was wide and open now, even as Frisk was entirely closed off; their eyes piercing... She looked at them like she was seeing someone else.

*...

Toriel closed the book and began to stand up.

"I have to do something. Stay here."

The irony of the words she had chosen...

Frisk tore after her; running to keep up with her. She came to an abrupt halt and Frisk stopped in their tracks. Their fists were clenched tight.

"You wish to know how to return 'home', do you not?" Toriel asked sadly.

Frisk's piercing expression fell, the pain searing across their face. She just couldn't see it with her back turned.

_Home..._

"Ahead of us lies the end of the Ruins. A one-way exit to the rest of the underground. I am going to destroy it." Frisk blinked in surprise. What? "No one will ever be able to leave again."

This was... Not what Frisk had been expecting.

"Now be a good child and go upstairs." Toriel began to walk away and Frisk stood there with their mouth agape...

But...

Frisk had never been a good child... That was probably one of the first things they had ever truly known. One of the first thing anyone had ever told them... They had never been a good child. Never keeping to themself but always at the same time. Never listening but absorbing everything around them. Never following the rules... They never could afford to.

Frisk followed after Toriel, still uncertain of what to make of the growing situation but refusing to remain in the dark and waiting for her to make a decision for them.

"Every human that falls down here meets the same fate." Toriel said sorrowfully. Mournfully. Frisk froze in place again. "I have seen it again and again." Children coming and going. Unable to fully help them. Even though wanting to so desperately. All she had to give was her smile and support. And still... "They come. They leave." Caregiver... A woman wishing to be a mother but unable to... "They die."

Frisk's heart was racing.

*You didn't understand.

*This doesn't make sense!

Every part of them was confused. From what they had seen, Flowey's declaration had been easily pushed to the side. There was no basis for it. But Toriel was saying-

"You naive child..."

_"You idiot."_

"If you leave the Ruins. They... Asgore... Will kill you."

_"In this world it's kill or BE killed."_

The weight of her words crushed down but a part of them rose up; shock, denial, refusing to believe it though Frisk wasn't sure why. Toriel would never lie... She had one of those smiles. She could avoid a subject but she would not directly lie to them.

*But-!

But somehow it felt wrong. So wrong. So very, very wrong.

That didn't make sense! This didn't make sense!

*This-!

Frisk felt themself edging into panic but they had to push it down. They had to. The thought of dying wasn't helping, though. Frisk didn't want to die.. That was terrifying. And Toriel wouldn't lie to them... She... They just couldn't believe her. They couldn't fathom that. It didn't seem possible. Not after everything they'd been through. To die now felt... impossible. The idea foreign... It wouldn't be fair to die now.

But they had climbed a mountain nobody was said to return from...

"I am only protecting you, do you understand?... go to your room."

Was she... Was she really trying to force them to stay?

"Do not try to stop me. This is your final warning."

Frisk just couldn't understand. They continued to walk. They continued to follow. Their mind was a sea of confusion. They weren't sure of what to make of her actions and words.

"You want to leave so badly? Hmph. You are just like the others. There is only one solution to this." Everything within Frisk was racing with alarm as their Soul was forced from their chest and they gasped at the sensation. Fight or Flight. Fight or- "Prove yourself... Prove to me you are strong enough to survive."

But...!

*Toriel blocks the way!

Frisk stood agape, staring at the woman who was watching them with a stern expression... Who was... fighting to make them _stay_.

Frisk didn't... Frisk didn't understand. Couldn't understand.

They opened their mouth to speak, needing to say something, but...

*You couldn't think of any conversation topics

They had wasted their turn.

Fire. So much of it. It was raining down upon them and Frisk gave out a sharp yelp. Burns. Burns were the worse. The worse type of physical hurt. Cigarettes. Red marks and dark brown scars. Puffy skin.

Toriel's expression was unmoving as Frisk weaved in and out. As if she was looking through them. As if she couldn't see their plight, as if she couldn't see their wide, confused expression. They just wanted to figure this out. How could she genuinely be fighting to make them stay? Everything was the same. Everything was always the same, so why? Why was this different? Frisk didn't understand!

SPARE!

More flames, uncaring faces.

SPARE!

Please, Miss, please! But they couldn't beg. They couldn't call out to her with their voice, only their eyes.

"Prove to me you are strong enough."

"Attack or run away!"

They couldn't Fight her. They just couldn't. Maybe then... Maybe they should Flee. Maybe they should go to their room. They wanted to stay, what did it matter if they understood? If they could just stay... If this was going to be real! If she really cared enough to force them back, to actually, to actually fight for them to stay! They'd never had that before. Nobody had ever... then maybe, maybe they should just listen-

_**Fire**_.

Frisk's piercing scream and pain drowned out everything else. Their eyes were wide with terror as they fell and there was too much heat around them. Too much pain. Searing across their skin. It hurt! Hurt so much! It felt like they were being split into two even as they felt ablaze!

*You-!

They didn't want to die! They were choking in panic as their vision blurred, but- They watched their own Soul shatter.

They didn't-!

_"Stay determined!"_

There was a loud chime. A strange sensation when there shouldn't have been anything! Frisk gasped as they broke the surface of the darkness and everything shook as they were forced back into place. Frisk went rigid as they jolted back away from the 'SAVE' Star, falling back onto the ground as they scrambled to get away. Their breathing was fast. Faster than anything! But they were breathing... Their muscles were tense, waiting for more of the burns, but the pain was gone. Only their panic and memory of it remained. What? What-?!

They'd-! They'd just-!

_She killed me. She'd..._

Frisk clutched at their left arm; trying to cut off the circulation of memory in their mind.

_Sh-She killed me!_

But...!

Toriel had killed them and yet...

But Toriel had... had killed them!

Frisk took another gulping breath through their sobs.

.

"You... You'd told me someone cared about me. You mocked me about how many times I hadn't died and then you'd said somebody cared about me." Frisk whispered. "But Toriel killed me." Sans knew they lights in his eyes had gone out sometime during all of this, but he struggled to up it back up at least for their sake.

"she didn't mean it." Sans had nothing else to offer. He knew it was true. It had to be. Toriel would never do anything to hurt them. The kid shook their head.

"No, she didn't mean to." They agreed. "She..." Their hand lifted to their arm but their fingers curled together tightly, as if to stop themself.

"frisk...?"

"In the end... it was for the best." They said, even meaning it. Sans' cringe deepened and whatever progress he had made in keeping his eyes alight fell through.

"kid..." He said softly, but they shook their head. Their fisted hand rested in the crux of their arm.

"If she hadn't I never would have met all of you."

.

"What are you proving in this way?" Toriel demanded.

Frisk hopped back and forth through the flames, determined to get past her. Determined to get out, even as they refused to look Toriel in the eyes. They couldn't. Not when Frisk knew she wouldn't listen to them; their spoken or unspoken pleas...

"Fight me or leave!" Frisk was trying. They were trying to leave. That was the point. The entire point. A part of Frisk tried to think of something to say again, reluctant to give up on this just yet, but ironically... talking did not seem to be the solution to this problem.

"Go away!" Frisk was trying to act aloof, unmoved. Hiding their heart away from her even with their Soul exposed. Toriel didn't remember. Toriel didn't even know! Toriel's expression was falling sorrowfully. Frisk gritted their teeth together in desperation.

The attacks were petering out...

"I know you want to go home, but..."

_Home._

Seven.

The horrible seven.

This had almost been it... Frisk had tasted it in the air. It had smelled like butterscotch and cinnamon before that hope had burned into ash. Hoping just gave you another chance at being hurt and now Frisk had been hurt. They had let themself hope for the briefest of moments. They had known better, and now...

"But please... go upstairs now."

If Frisk hadn't died. If Frisk had just made it to this point without having died! Without Toriel having _killed_ them!

Tears were building up in the back of their eyes.

Frisk had to go... They had to go again.

"I promise I will take good care of you here."

That-

"I know we do not have much, but..."

It would have been enough! To have her listen! To have her want them to stay! To have her love them! To be able to one day call her 'Mom'!

They'd wanted to call her 'Mom'!

They wanted their m-

"We can have a good life here."

They had to go... They couldn't stay... They couldn't stay!

"Why are you making this so difficult?"

Why did they have to go?

"Please, go upstairs."

They couldn't...

Toriel was near tears.

"No... I understand. You would just be unhappy trapped down here. The Ruins are very small once you get used to them. It would not be right for you to grow up in a place like this." But she didn't understand. Those things. To be stuck in one place. To get used to something and find it too small.

It would have been a luxury to grow up in a place like that.

"My expectations... My loneliness... My fear... For you, my child... I will put them aside."

Frisk's Soul returned to their heart... It felt heavier than before. Toriel was turning her back on them to hide her tears.

Maybe Frisk could still stay... Maybe they could just go upstairs and into bed and wake up to another slice of pie, even snail would be alright. Just as long as she was willing... If she just turned around and was willing... Maybe Frisk could still sta-

"Please do not come back." Frisk's renewing hope shattered. They had known better... "I hope you understand."

Frisk couldn't stay... That was one of the things they understood perfectly.

Toriel was turning and went quickly to hold them. She was warm, her arms tight but comfortable. It could have been a mother's embrace.

Frisk wanted to hug her back. Frisk wanted-

_"Please do not come back."_

"Goodbye, my child."

Frisk stared at the door as Toriel escaped behind them. Frisk stood rigid, refusing to watch her. They were done with that... With looking back, out rear windows as the car pulled them away. They felt heavy and numb. So much had happened. Had this even been real? Frisk knew that it had been... But at the same time-!

"You think you're really smart, don't you?" Flowey stabbed. Frisk kept their head lowered. They honestly didn't care if he attacked them... Frisk felt stupid. So stupid. For hoping. For going through this...

"You were able to play by your own rules..."

"But what will you do if you meet a relentless killer?"

"You'll die and you'll die and you'll die."

Frisk jolted out of their stupor, having barely been paying attention to Flowey before but now they were alert. Dying over and over again...? Did he? Did the flower know-?

"Until you tire of _trying_."

"What will you do then?"

Flowey was smiling, teeth, vicious. How did a flower have teeth? Frisk was frozen in place, scared.

"Will you kill out of frustration?" He taunted.

Frisk took a half step back.. _Kill?_

"Or will you give up entirely on this world... and let ME inherit the power to control it?" Frisk's eyes were wide. He did know. He did know about how Frisk had come back. And he had had it to? Frisk didn't- "I am the prince of this world's future. Don't worry, my little monarch, my plan isn't regicide. This is SO much more interesting."

His face grew, twisted and demented, a nightmare as his laughter echoed all around.

Frisk bolted forward once Flowey was gone. To get away. They had to keep going!

They fell out into the cold snow, the Ruin doors sealing behind them hopelessly. Frisk couldn't breath properly. They broke and looked back over their shoulder: At the Delta Rune, at the cracks in the walls. Something had ended as the doors settled, but a something had also just started even if Frisk didn't know it.

_Seven_.

Running through the Underground, dying and coming back, just getting through it all. Just trying to get to the end, to get back to the surface and leave this all behind because there was no point in thinking maybe, just maybe, no... They had to go. They had to go.

_"someone really cares about you."_

Nobody really cared and it didn't matter and they just had to-

"His dust spread across the garden…"

Frisk had stood there, wide-eyed as the Monsters spoke to their bared Soul. There were no attacks but the anguish pierced through their entirety as it struck through.

"The kingdom fell into despair."

"The king and queen had lost two children in one night."

Asgore... and _Toriel_ had...

_"Pathetic, is it not? I cannot save even a single child."_

"The humans had once again taken everything from us."

"The king decided it was time to end our suffering."

"Every human who falls down here must die."

"With enough souls we can shatter the barrier forever."

Frisk had picked up the pace but hadn't gotten far...

"It's not long now..."

"King Asgore will let us go.'

"...give us hope."

"... will save us all."

Frisk was running...

"You should be smiling, too."

"Aren't you excited?"

"Aren't you happy?"

Tears were starting to blur their vision as Frisk was forced yet again to a stop, the lone Froggit standing in their way. A part of Frisk thought back to that one Froggit from the Ruins…. The one that had begged them to offer Mercy… Its eyes looked directly into theirs.

"You're going to be free."

Frisk was running, but they couldn't get away from everything that was tearing through them. They couldn't get away from the story that was now just an echo in their mind. Yet the weight was very real. The weight of the Monster's hopes and dreams was too much on their Soul… It was flowing through them, and Frisk felt… despair. All that hope… it wasn't for them.

The tears were streaming down their face as Frisk rushed into the golden light, nearly tripping themself over the step, and they leaned back against the door that had closed behind them.

_"Please do not come back."_

It hurt...

Through their blurry vision, Frisk made out the soft glow of the Save Star. They lunged for it, embracing it for its warmth, for its burst of determination. But as Frisk wrapped their arms around it, they found it offered nothing. They were cold. Cold like they had felt at MTT with Sans.

So… Even the Stars had abandoned them…

Frisk pulled away, their face twisting, but they breathed in deeply to try and steady themself. There was no point in lingering here. Frisk wiped at their eyes and stood up straight. Frisk forced themself forward once again. Just like all the times before. Just like they had upon exiting the Ruins. There was no time to linger here... Frisk walked through the forest of pillars; the shadows long and ominous.

But Frisk was forced to a stop, their reddened, teary eyes wide. They were frozen in place by fear, just like they had at Papyrus' bars. There was a shadowy figure, ahead of this time instead of stalking behind, but more importantly... this time Frisk knew what lurked in the shadows. They couldn't help but tremble.

"So you finally made it… The end of your journey is at hand." His voice sounded grander, more official, as if he was putting actual effort into it as opposed to his usual, casual tone. The distinction stabbed Frisk's Soul and another tear escaped the corner of their narrowing eyes.

They'd wanted... They'd wanted to be friends.

But this distance was probably best in the end... Because..

"In a few moments, you will meet the king." Sans continued. "Together... You will determine the future of this world."

_Determine_...

"That's then." Sans cut through their thoughts. "Now. You will be judged."

W-What?

"You will be judged for your every action."

EXP... Execution Points. LV... Level of Violence.

These words.. Those acronyms had seemed so far apart from them...

It was weird seeing Sans so involved in a job-

*But...

*It's the job he has been doing the whole time….

Frisk's eyes widened in the realization and a vice clamped at their heart as their bottom lip trembled.

To be judged for every action… He had needed to see every action.. Or at least most of it… He hadn't been trying to be friendly… He'd just been judging them…

Frisk felt weighed down like their Soul was Blue. They shouldn't have been able to hurt like this… They had already written Sans off… How… Why did they have to be so sensitive…? They shouldn't care. They should just stop expecting people to let them get close, they should stop letting people get close...

"The more you distance yourself, the less you will hurt."

Why they had first run. Why they hadn't gone after Papyrus' suggestion to hang out. Why they had typically ignored Sans... Why they had climbed the mountain… Why they didn't speak.

Frisk lowered their head in defeat.

"..."

"..."

"... but you." Frisk's head snapped up as the tone of everything shifted. Sans was smiling at them now, wide and maybe genuine as everything seemed the tiniest bit brighter. The light's in Sans' eyes seemed almost proud. "You never gained any LOVE." He looked away again but this time Frisk didn't see his growing smile as a grimace. He shrugged. "'course, that doesn't mean you're completely innocent or naive." His eyes met theirs. "just that you kept a certain tenderness in your heart. no matter the struggles or hardships you faced... you strived to do the right thing."

The right thing...

"you refused to hurt anyone."

Fight or Flight. Fight or...

This didn't make sense... He'd threatened them, why was he...

"even when you ran away, you did it with a smile."

They... They just hadn't wanted to hurt anyone or be hurt, but... Alphys... They'd known better but... And... There was no flight now. They couldn't run away from the Fight ahead of them. They couldn't run from Asgore. There was no smile on their face, there was only growing fear. Sans' face fell as if he could read their thoughts and in hindsight maybe he had… It had to be written across their face. But what could he have done?

They didn't understand... Everything was twisting and turning and there was too much of it. It was so much easier earlier when their only dilemma was whether or not they should have stayed with Toriel. The problems had just grown. The conflicting situations... What they knew, what they had learned from past experience and what the Monsters presented them. They weren't sure what to focus on. The Fight ahead or the feelings behind… There was just so, so much of it. Behind. Ahead-

"you never gained LOVE, but you gained love."

Frisk blinked and focused back on Sans in the present…. _Love_? But Frisk had thought…. Frisk met Sans' gaze uncertainly. There was something peculiar hidden behind the lights of his eyes.

"does that make sense?"

Frisk had thought… They'd thought he hadn't cared at all, but… he seemed proud. His face looked warm…

"maybe not."

Sans closed his eyes.

"now."

Sans' face grew serious as his eyes reopened, but his tone was still the one they knew best. The one that tried to pull them in close. The one that had made them want to consider him their friend….

They thought, perhaps, that it was still an option… But they had thought that with Toriel too and she had turned her back on them, but… Maybe there had been a chance with Toriel. If they had just waited. It they had just had a voice. But hoping…

"you're about to face the greatest challenge of your entire journey." Frisk's throat was tight. "your actions here... will determine the fate of the entire world."

That word again, determine, much like determined but not. You could be determined to do something but that didn't mean you had the power to actually _determine_ anything.

"if you refuse to fight... asgore will take your soul and destroy humanity. but if you kill asgore and go home..."

That _other_ word...

"monsters will remain trapped underground."

Kill or be killed. Be killed and let everyone on the surface suffer, kill and the monsters stayed down here with no hope, with no future...

"what will you do?"

They hated this. Why did this have to be the only option? Why couldn't they... Why...? This wasn't **fair**. And overall... Was it even actually an option? Could they even die for real?

_"Will you kill out of frustration? Or will you give up entirely on this world..."_

They didn't want to go! Not a single bit! They didn't want to go! They had nowhere else to go! Why did they have to go! This wasn't fair! None of this was fair! It was never fair! Whether or not they put in their all. Whether or not the just let it happen however. It just was never fair! Frisk-

"well, if i were you, i would have thrown in the towel by now. but you didn't get this far by giving up, did you?" Sans asked. Frisk stopped shaking, uncertain as their eyes locked onto him again. "that's right. you have something called 'determination'."

_"Stay determined."_

_*It fills you with Determination._

"so as long as you hold on..."

"so as long as you do what's in your heart..."

He was staring right through them, into their eyes...

"i believe you can do the right thing."

The warmth was flooding through them, their back straightening. His belief was filling them with true determination. Frisk stood thinking back to their hangout in MTT. How they had thought that would be their last conversation. How they would have just left things like that... But now here he was, smiling and offering them the encouragement they needed.

Frisk considered Sans their friend.

They lunged forward, wrapping their arms around him, they could feel him tense in surprise. It was the first time they had ever hugged him.

*You realize it will also be the last

Their heart had ached painfully and they had briefly squeezed their arms before pulling away from him.

"heh. alright. we're all counting on you, kiddo."

"Sans..." Their voice was soft, barely there, but he lingered a bit, watching them, listening... "Tell Papyrus... Sorry." An eye ridge had raised then.

"for what?" They were silent for a moment.

"I'm not sure." They admitted. It had just seemed like the right thing to say. He'd smiled apologetically too.

"good luck." He offered them with a wink, and then he was gone. Before their eyes. A shortcut away. Frisk looked down the corridor, towards the door they knew would lead them to Asgore.

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

Their fists tightened and their lips pressed together as the determination flooded them. They didn't know what that was, but they weren't going to give up. Sans was right. They just couldn't. They'd made this far... Surely there was a way to... A way to...

*You want to find a way to stay

Frisk didn't acknowledge that part of them. Frisk simply stepped out into the garden.

Sunlight... The scent of flowers in the air... The birds chirping in the distance... A part of Frisk wondered what they were singing about.

"Dum dee dum..."

His voice was deep and rumbled like thunder in his chest, but was just as cheerful as his actions. This...? This was Asgore?! The one who had declared he would destroy humanity? Who had killed... Killed six other children? Who was... Who was going to kill Frisk?

*You realize he's trying to follow the tune of the birds

*You're not prepared for this...!

They felt a funny sensation in thier chest, something tense, like a string about to be plucked. They wanted to go back-!

"Just a moment! I have almost finished watering these flowers."

*You want to run.

"...Here we are."

*You've lost your chance to run.

"Howdy!" His face was too bright, too eager to assist. "How can I..." His face was too devestated, too shocked and horrified at his realization.

_"They... Asgore... Will kill you."_

Frisk's eyes were widening in their own realization. They immediately could tell by his expression...

*You know he does not want to

"Oh..." His shock was sliding, he turned away from them, they couldn't help but briefly think of Sans. "I so badly want to say, 'would you like a cup of tea?' But... You know how it is."

Frisk's face was open, too open, they knew they should have been hiding their emotions better, but the pain was clear on their face, the pain was there in their eyes, pleading with him and he could see it. Unlike Toriel, his face wasn't stern and looking through them. His face mirrored theirs, but he would not back down.

*You want to speak.

*You want to open your mouth and speak!

The inner voice was urgent, echoing Frisk's own pain and panic. The inner voice's tone was pleading. Frisk opened their mouth but nothing came out as he turned away from them again. His head fell the slightest bit before he was turning back and offereing them a sorrowful glance. His mouth opened too, but for a moment both he and Frisk were voiceless

"You know what we must do." He said finally. The weight of his words were crushing. "When you are ready, come into the next room."

They would never be ready... They weren't sure what to do...

Maybe if they left and didn't come back he would never follow...

But as he walked away. As they thought of escaping back into Judgement Hall, their mind reached the door that had already closed behind them.

_"Please do not come back."_

No. They couldn't run from this. There was no going back. There was only forward. They had to go. They had to go...!

Their teeth were gritted together.

They had to go. They couldn't go back.

"I'm not ready either."

They had to go!

_The End._

The warmth of the Save Star was not as warm as it had once been, but it was warmer than in Judgment Hall...

They didn't want to go...

.

"I hadn't made friends with everyone. With anyone really... We walked into the room with The Barrier. He brought up the Souls... And nobody came. We had to Fight."

.

*(A strange light fills the room.)

*(Twilight is shining through the barrier.)

*(It seems your journey is finally over.)

They could do this. They could find a way to show him Mercy! They would!

*(You're filled with DETERMINATION.)

"Human... It was nice to meet you." His face was so sorrowful... He lowered his gaze. "Goodbye."

They would show Mer-

Frisk's eyes were wide, horrified, even if their Soul hadn't been outside of their chest it would have been so easily felt by all.

ME/R/CY

Their Mercy!

Something inside them shattered.

*Asgore attacks!

He's shattered their Mercy!

How...? How were they supposed to-?!

"I don't want to fight you." Their voice was soft, quiet...

But even as his hands trembled, there was fire everywhere.

"I don't want to fight you!" They said more loudly, desperately!

There was fire on every side, tears were starting to form in the back of their eyes.

"STOP FIGHTING!" They screamed, their eyes shutting tightly as tears streamed down their cheeks.

*Seems like talking won't do any more good.

*You tell Asgore that he's killed you 5 times before. He nods grievously.

*You tell Asgore that he's killed you too many times to count. He nods pitifully.

*All you can do is Fight...

Frisk couldn't... They didn't want-

*All you can do is FIGHT!

They didn't want-!

*FIGHT, FRISK!

They screamed as they swung their faithful stick downward... He wouldn't look at them. He wouldn't even look at them! Toriel has stared right through them and he couldn't even raise his head. He wouldn't stop! They couldn't stop! Them and their little stick…

"Ah..." Asgore was on his knees and they were exhausted, hair was sticking to the sides of Frisk's wet cheeks. One more hit and that would be it. They didn't want to. Their heart... "So that is how it is."

*(Sorry-)

*(So sorry-!)

Their voice was stuck in their throat, as their small chest heaved up and down. The stick was grasped tightly between their fingers. They wanted to say they were sorry. They wanted to beg him to let them stop, but what could they say? What could they ever say to have adults let them stay?! What could they do to be allowed to stay..? To deserve to stay?!

Frisk was crying softly to themself.

"I cannot take this any longer. I just want to see my wife. I just want to see my child."

They wanted to see their mom...

None could have what they wanted...

"You have the power..." Asgore pleaded. "Take my Soul, and leave this cursed place."

They didn't want the power... They just wanted somebody to listen. They just wanted to... Their hand pressed gently against the shattered option before them, hoping it all wouldn't fall apart.

ME-R-CY...

"You rather stay down here and suffer... than live happily on the surface...?"

That would not be suffering. That would be the opposite of suffering! Why could nobody understand?!

"Human... I promise you..."

He was going to let them stay! He and Toriel! They could finally let her read them her interesting snail facts. They could finally eat that slice of pie...

"We could be like... Like a family..."

Hope just gave you another chance at being hurt. And Frisk had been through that so many times. But right then, they could have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, so to say. They could see the barrier between them and a home being broken. But they should have known better... They should have known not to hope...

Fight or Flight.

The adrenaline was pumping through them as they let out a shout, desperate as the pellets surrounded him.

* **NO!**

NO!

His eyes were wide but blank, he had no eyes... There was dust... There was an inverted white heart.

It shattered like their hope.

"You **IDIOT**."

Colours were swirling, everything was blurring.

*In this world...

It's KILL or BE killed.

They were desperate, their hand was reaching out for the Save Star in front of them, for its warmth, for its determination. For anything.

Pain, violent, brutal. It was in their chest, it was going off like gun shots, and the warmth was ripped away from them and there was a void inside their chest.

**File erased.**

_Erased..._

They let out another shout of fear.

_"But what will you do if you meet a relentless killer?"_

_"You'll die and you'll die and you'll die."_

"Over, and over, and over..."

Their eyes were flashing in anger and something else was surging up within them. The inner voice was filling them out, it was helping them push forward with determination. Frisk's head was racing, but they wanted to Fight. They weren't sure what they could do but for the first time… every part of them wanted to Fight!

They wanted that Save file! They wanted that power back! They would FIGHT!

"What? Do you really think you can stop ME?"

Yes. They would! They'd gotten past Asgore without having to actually kill! They would do this too! They would Fight and get that power back! Give it back!

Flowey giggled.

**"You really ARE an idiot."**

Death after death after death after death...

All they had was their determination. But it wasn't enough. Even if they fought him all the way down he just 'Loaded' the file and killed them again. They hadn't even been aware you could 'Load' without dying... They'd never tried it. Now it seemed they would never have a chance. They were determined, but it was lost... Just because you were determined... didn't mean you could determine anything...

They were entangled in vines, cutting at their skin as it squeezed.

Frisk was panicking, hiccuping as his vines clenched around them. All their attempts... They were powerless. They were hopeless. Hopeless and alone...

*Don't lose hope!

Something inside them was raging like a fire but Frisk felt as cold and broken as their body.

*It cannot end now!

It was never going to end…

Flowey shook them forcefully and Frisk's eyes pressed shut as they whimpered softly.

"Cry into the darkness! Mommy! Daddy! Somebody help!" Flowey taunted, vines too tight, painfully around them. _Their mom's hands wrapped too tight, painfully around their arm. Toriel's wrapped gently, her fur soft against their fingers..._

"See what good it does you!" Flowey spat.

Calling never did anything... Nobody ever listened... But…

*Please!

*Don't give up, Frisk!

Frisk lifted their head, their body protesting as they took a deep breath. It was the only option they had left. And… they would take it. They didn't want to give up…

*You called for help.

There was silence.

"But nobody came." Flowey whispered against the silence.

Frisk thought their Soul would break all on its own.

"Boy. What a shame. Nobody else... **is gonna get to see you** **DIE**!" Frisk closed their eyes tightly again as his laughter echoed all around them. Too loudly. Anything they said would now be drowned out. Nobody ever listened to them. Nobody had come. Nobody would ever come back for them. Nobody-

Their Soul was washed over with a brilliant warmth.

.

"But the Souls..."

.

**"NO! NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO OBEY ME!"**

Everything was too intense, Frisk was in the middle of it all, tears streaming down their cheeks as it shook them, but... despite that-!

.

"They'd listened." Frisk's eyes were bright as they smiled. Sans couldn't help but feel another stab of guilt at putting them off for the last two months. "They'd come for me... I could feel them, their emotions, their hurt. They could feel mine. They'd come... They helped me get back what I so desperately wanted. They gave me back my power. And I..."

.

They had stood there alone… That first time, Frisk had stood there on the surface of the mountain looking at the lowering sun feeling alone. They had watched the sky with a wide expression, but now… empowered. In more ways than one. Their chest was heaving but Frisk twisted back towards The Barrier that was solidifying again now that the Souls had disappeared.

This wasn't 'The End'! That couldn't be the end! They couldn't let it all end like that. They'd go back! They wanted to go back!

They felt something tight in their chest, like that of a tight thread about to be plucked...

That sensation. That desire to go back... That warmth of determination spreading across their chest.

They would go back!

LOAD!

The second time they had stood on the mountain they had hardly noticed the bright sun at all before they had twisted around and time began to spin backwards, passing them by-

_Again!_

LOAD!

The third time they had stood on the mountain side…

They collapsed. Frisk collapsed onto their knees, the tears refused to stop even as Frisk came to a complete and utter halt. There was no changing it! No matter what they did... Asgore would always stay dead! They couldn't stay! Even without Flowey's interference! They couldn't stay!

They were sobbing as they bent forward, a hand over their eyes to block out the sunlight, their other hand's fingers digging into the dirt beneath them.

Even if they wanted to go back... They lifted their head and were looking back over their shoulder, towards the humming Barrier that had closed behind them.

_"Please do not come back."_

*You still want to go back

They want to go back...

They want to go back!

It hurt... It hurt so much. More than the fire. More than the spears. More than the vines. More than anything...

"I want to go back!" Frisk sobbed aloud. "I want to go back!" There was nobody to hear them, but still they screamed. "I want to go!"

But they couldn't... Even if they did, it would just turn out exactly the same. Asgore would-

ME/R/CY

They couldn't look at The Barrier anymore, they had to turn away and buried their face in their arms as they continued to sob. They couldn't break it... They couldn't break the barrier between them..

They cried for an eternity... Their already sore body was draining, the sun was dipping below the horizon and they were cold... But the way they were shaking wasn't entirely from that. They lifted their head off of the ground and wiped at their eyes and nose with their sleeves. Everything felt heavy as they crossed their legs and took in deep, shuttered breaths... They had no more tears to shed.

Slowly, they turned around towards The Barrier and stared up at it, feeling pressed down...

They couldn't go back...

The typical mantras were already kicking in, repeating over and over. If they couldn't stay then they had to go. They had to go... To just go... They couldn't stay...

But they weren't moving to stand up, even as the sunlight dwindled...

*You should get going...

You should get going, that prompting... That was the same prompting Frisk had been given at the start of all this. When they had sat in the flower bed too long, looking up at the hole they had fallen through, the stalactites looking like jagged teeth. When Frisk had sat there shaking, knowing that they had almost died! How far away that all seemed now, especially that strange fear of dying. Hadn't they known that there were worse things than death? They should have... But here they were. So far away from that but with the same prompting. It was all the same. Everything was always the same...

They should get going...

They should stand up...

They should go...

They should just... go.

_"Please do not come back."_

They had been tense, their fingers coiled together tightly. Their teeth had clenched.

They should just go...

Frisk almost stood up. The sensation of momentum moved through them as they intended to stand up, but found themself unable to complete the action. They were stuck. They gave up and kept sitting there in the dirt... They should be going... but they couldn't. They couldn't go forward and they couldn't go back. They were stuck. They would be stuck here for an eternity. Even if they did climb the mountain... This was where they would always remain.

"I want to go back..." They whispered, a small whine.

_"No. That's just a fantasy, isn't it?"_

_"Ha, I'm sorry... I could not give you a simple happy ending.."_

_"Ha. Pathetic, is it not?"_

They had the power... The power to go back and retry and yet even now... Even now they could not find a solution. Even now they couldn't... It hurt... Their heart-

Their... Their heart...

Their grimace began to fade and their expression was wide, open, vulnerable...

Their heart...

Their heart was _**aching**..._

_"so as long as you hold on... so as long as you do what's in your heart..."_

Their heart wanted to go back.

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

Frisk's teary eyes were suddenly ablaze. Their hands were resting on their chest, their fingers digging into the fabric over their heart... Their breathing was quick and heart racing.

This fresh **_burn_ ** of hope across their Soul, searing and yearning!

Their heart wanted to go back...

_Seven_. Seven homes. This... They didn't want to lose this one! That was what was in their heart! They were sick of losing everything! They were sick of being told whether to stay or go. This time... They... They wanted to stay. They wanted to go back!

The Monsters... Their heart was aching... The Monsters were hurting. The Monsters... The Monsters had called out to Frisk, too. They had shared with them their hopes and dreams. The Monsters' hearts had all been beating as one. For the hope of freedom. Asgore had... had entrusted them with that hope, with that dream... Frisk's heart... Frisk's heart was beating in tune with the Monsters'.

_"You have the same feeling of hope in your eyes."_

If Frisk left it like this they would be trapped. Both Frisk and the Monsters would be trapped, they wouldn't have a reason to hope...

No...

No!

They were going to go back! Not just back to their Fight with Asgore, but back... All the way back! They weren't sure how they were going to pull that off, but... They were! They were going to go!

No matter how many times they died or got hurt! They would come back each time! They wouldn't stop until they got what they wanted! Nothing would stand in their way! Not Flowey. Not Asgore. Not even death or time itself! They would stay determined! They would... They... They wanted to Fight for this! The Souls had helped them regain the Save files and they would use it! They would... They... They would...

Frisk stood up, their legs shaky...

Frisk was so tired of losing everything…

*But you can't stay

_Fine,_ Frisk thought. They didn't want to stay…

Something inside them stirred with surprise at the sudden change but Frisk was smiling brightly.

_"You're going to be free."_

Frisk was going to bring the Monsters up to the surface _with_ them. If Frisk couldn't stay... If this couldn't be their home... Then they would bring the Monsters with them!

"We're going to be free…" Frisk whispered.

*...!

*...

*...

*You...

*You really think it's possible?

"Yes." Frisk decided. "I will!"

They would make it possible! As long as they kept it in their heart... Everyone would get to the surface. Everyone would have a happy ending!

For once Frisk would determine something.

That was why they had climbed the mountain nobody was said to come back from.

And they would prove everyone wrong!

They were filled with the sensation of falling as their eyes closed and they felt the wisps of time playing with their hair as it went by them, as everything began to rewind.

They wanted to go back... All the way back... All the way to the beginning!

Frisk could smell the yellow flowers in their mind...

They wanted to go back.

RESET

Frisk's eyes opened... The sweet smell of flowers around them... The hole above them no longer looked like a jagged, mouth bearing down on them... The flittering sunlight was warm against their skin...

Their eyes closed and a tear fell across their cheek... Something had ended, and something had just started… For once...

**They'd come back.**

.

Sans watched them in silence for a few moments, a small smile on their face... Small and sad.

"It's kinda funny… In a bad sorta way." They stated softly. "That first Reset…" They laughed but it sounded dry. "It was your fault."

Sans couldn't help but give out the same dry laugh as he lowered his head. Damn, guess they were right, weren't they?

"If Toriel hadn't killed me, I would have never left the Ruins… I would have never met everyone. And if you hadn't encouraged me… I wouldn't have come back. Monsters would have stayed trapped. I would have… I would have left it like that. At least at first, I don't know what I would have done if I had let it go like that."

There was more silence….

"Guess there's not point in pondering 'what if', huh? I can only talk about what actually happened." The expression on their face though, the utter terror hidden there even as they tried to keep it from falling apart. "A lot happened..." They glanced his way. "Even if I took it back a lot..."

They looked down, the guilt radiating off of them.

"It's just... even though I was rewinding time, even though it seemed like I was 'resetting' everything back to zero, it wasn't... I just didn't know that... I didn't know how I was..." They had trailed off into silence again, their arms crossed and their head lowered.

Sans understood what the kid was getting at, about how it wasn't actually Resetting to zero each time. After all... There was still him.

That first timeline... The very idea of a _first_ timeline... Obviously it had to have happened, obviously it was a thing, but Sans just couldn't wrap his head around it fully. The idea that there had been a timeline where _everything_ had felt _new_.

Sans had told them the exact same things this timeline in Judgment Hall and had meant them, sure, but it had been undermined by the number of Resets. It had been undermined by his sense of betrayal... That first timeline though, he wished he could actually remember that. At least, he wished he could recapture that. That first timeline... He'd probably meant every word. He had probably felt uplifted even. He didn't know...

But nothing was free of consequences. They had come back and with it the first timeline was gone. Nothing about it would be _new_ again. It would all be the same but different. Of course it had turned out okay in the end, but... something had been lost.

"My determination..." They started up again. "It's a force to be reckoned with when I have it, but when I... It's shaky at best." They admitted. "Your words had encouraged me, but as time went on I could pick up something was different. I could tell... I wasn't sure. I was never sure what it was. But I... I just kept at it. I didn't realize I was making it worse for everybody and not just myself. We..." They took a deep breath. "We just traded on treadmill for another."

Frisk wasn't looking at him, their voice was just _so_ soft and on the edge of tears...

"I'm sorry. I'm just… so sorry..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind comments!


	5. Affording To Save

They had been enveloped in darkness with no end. Their breath hitched as they raced forward, trying to pick up the pace but it wasn't _ending_. They couldn't find the exit. There was no exit. Something had gone wrong-! Frisk lifted their head, but there was no light. They opened their mouth to call for help-

Light flooded everywhere in an instant and Frisk gasped and blinked rapidly to adjust as they were brought to a sudden stop; the ground beneath their feet that they hadn't realized had been moving along with them stopped short and they ran into something hard ahead of them.

"HEY, SANS, HAVE YOU SEEN MY..." Papyrus' voice trailed off and Frisk whipped their head over towards the sound as they continued to pant and their eyes came into focus. He was standing in the doorway with a touch of surprise on his face. "OH, HELLO." He stated. "YOU AREN'T SANS." His eyesockets narrowed and Frisk froze. Papyrus, for his part, was obviously skeptical. "WAIT A SECOND."

There was a prick of panic in Frisk's chest, the need to stumble off of the treadmill and explain why they were there, that th-they weren't snooping. At least not this time! Not intentionally! But they just stood there terrified, feeling entirely caught out.

"WHY WERE YOU USING A TREADMILL IN THE DARK?" Frisk jolted in surprise and looked down to see that the object they had been standing on this entire time was, indeed, a treadmill. They weren't sure what to say or what to feel as they looked back up at Papyrus. "IS SANS PRANKING YOU ACROSS TIME AND SPACE?"

"He can do that?" They asked earnestly. A few timelines ago, that feat, daring to ask that question, would have probably been impossible. Or at least they wouldn't have been able to put the effort into it.

But Papyrus seemed frustrated, completely unaware of the progress that had been made.

"YES! AND I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT!" He confirmed. "HOW IMMATURE CAN YOU GET?"

"It's... It's like if you give him an inch he'll take a mile." They offered shyly. Papyrus was just staring at them as they leaned against the front of the treadmill, still calming down. But a pleased smile began to creep onto their face as Papyrus let out a loud shout of horror as his mind confirmed for him that Frisk had, indeed, done that.

"HE HAS CONTAMINATED YOU!" Frisk giggled and hid their mouth behind their hand.

"I want to give him a run for his money."

"HUMAN, NO!" Frisk was laughing again. And despite Papyrus' claimed trauma at the experience, Papyrus looked genuinely happy regardless.

Once Papyrus had stepped out, Frisk had stepped off of the treadmill and took the note taped to it in their hands.

_"the truth is that you got owned, nerd..."_

Frisk was laughing again, something warm inside their chest.

Of _course_ he would use their ability to prank them. He'd gotten them. He'd really gotten them. Gotten them good. They hoped he was happy and laughing his nonexistent butt off somewhere.

They weren't sure how Sans knew about their time traveling, but it was clear, especially now, that he did. Nor was he the only one. They were sure Asgore knew something. He had never shown surprise when they had admitted to dying before... just... They had to wonder how many others knew or at least had an idea. And on top of it all, Sans had seemed to know something about Flowey, too. Well... At least that he existed. Even if in the end he had pretended it was just an Echo Flower.

Frisk had looked over the rest of Sans' room then, the complete and utter mess it was.

The awe of the trash tornado, the crumbled up sheets and pillow on the floor, the flashlight in the lamp and none of it working, the collection of socks, the letter to Santa...

But somehow, it wasn't what they expected... It was but it also wasn't. They'd imagined a more organized sorta mess. One where to the observer it was a horror but where the person who had made it knew exactly where everything was. But this... something... was off.

They did their best to push it off to the side as they opened the final drawer of their search.

The silver key glimmered slightly as their eyes brightened. They held the key in their hands, a pinch of excitement at the prospect of discovering something new! As if the novelty of Sans' room was somehow not enough.

The inner voice was quiet, no part of them even surprised anymore at just how much Frisk disregarded personal space. It had only grown as time went, or perhaps, hadn't gone on. Because the fear of getting caught, while still there, also had lost most of its sting...

Besides, Sans had been the one to prank them into his room, it was practically an invitation to poke around.

But where did this key even go to?

*Obviously the door...

Frisk blinked but then it registered; the image flashing briefly in their mind.

The door behind the house that Frisk couldn't open before!

They were out of Sans' room in a flash and down the stairs.

"Hey, punk!"

Frisk skidded to a stop in the snow and there was a moment of panic, but as they turned Undyne was giving them a big smile. Their muscles relaxed and they stood expectantly, their heartbeat calming, still not completely used to her... not wanting to kill them. A part of them was still waiting for it, for her to decide otherwise, they also knew that... she wouldn't.

"Um, so, I have a favor to ask you." Frisk stared up at her, anxious to get back to the task at hand but giving Undyne their attention. She seemed nervous. This was something new too... "Uuuuuh, I... I need you to deliver this letter." They had just never seen Undyne so nervous before, not like this. "To Dr. Alphys." Something warm was flooding them, a small spark of hope. A letter? For Alphys? Frisk smiled, their mouth opening as they once again tested the waters surrounding the two of them.

"Why don't you deliver it yourself?" Frisk teased.

This would have been unspeakable timelines ago. Literally unspeakable, but now it was getting easier to separate their association between Undyne and her blue spears... Namely her blue spears trying to skewer them. If they ended up Resetting again, it would help things along, to have a bigger picture. They wouldn't have thought it, but... they actually really liked her. She was at first glance the exact opposite of Frisk; loud and aggressive, but... Then the way she had looked talking to them about Papyrus when she had served them tea, about Asgore... She really cared about people, she could be soft spoken if she tried. And... She was just like them: determined.

But nervous about delivering a letter.

"...um. W-well..." She had her pride to maintain, an image of bravery. "Hotland SUUUUCKS! I don't wanna have to go over there!" Frisk closed their eyes and tilted their head, fingers to their chin.

"Hmm... Somebody once told me to face my fears head on..." Undyne could see the glint in their opening eyes. That they _knew_. She was snarling. Frisk froze in place, their heart racing, wondering if they had taken it too far, if-

"Here you go." She said handing them the letter. "Oh, and if you read it..." Her eye was full of murdery feelings. "I'll KILL you." Frisk had to bite down hard, reminding themself that she didn't mean it. Anymore. That it was fine, that it was just how she acted, that- She was offering them another bright smile. "Thanks so much! You're the best!"

She was walking away from them but they had to take a moment to readjust themself. If just was strange to have somebody act like that, up and down, and not actually mean them any real harm.

*Like a big sister.

*Like a super rough and loud big sister.

Frisk froze at that, thinking it over. Was that how sibling relationships worked? They'd only had the other kids at the homes to base that off of, and that wasn't very reassuring... Not with Frisk being so... nosey. They thought about Papyrus and Sans, their relationship wasn't nearly as chaotic. Yeah, Papyrus got "upset" by Sans' puns, and pushed him along unsuccessfully in getting things done, but Undyne was something else... But she was like that with Papyrus too whenever they called them. So...They just had to keep getting used to it.

Frisk slid the silver key into place and joy radiated within them as it fit and they could turn it, they could enter...!

The room was smaller than they expected while walking down the stairs, it wasn't a full basement, just a small.. a small... workshop, they decided. Their eyes scanned over the room but there wasn't much out in the open, just something that looked like a machine covered in a sheet, but Frisk didn't think it worked. The blueprints on the table were illegible... or maybe it was what it was written in that was the problem.. but Frisk thought the two, the blueprints and the machine, were related. The badge was probably too...

They opened the final drawer and they had to pause at the book in front of them, not of more blueprints, but a photo album.

*How can you resist?

They opened to the middle of the book...

*(There are photos of Sans with a lot of people you don't recognize).

Frisk's heart skipped a beat and they continued to flip through, staring at the smiling Sans in each of the photographs. Each one. Somehow... They felt a sense of _betrayal_...

*(He looks happy)

Y-Yeah...

_don't forget..._

LOAD

"i believe you can do the right thing."

Sans was standing across from them with a wide smile, but Frisk was staring intently at his eyes, their expression serious, appraising, dissecting each of his features, searching... Their eyes were taking him apart piece by piece. And still he smiled...

But... that smile... It didn't reach his eyes in the same way. Even when he was smiling for Papyrus, they realized... There was admiration, he was proud, but... The smile in the picture, the smile on his face, they weren't the same. They just _weren't_...

Papyrus pretended to be upset even though he was happy, and Sans... Sans pretended to be happy when something seemed to be wrong.

Frisk wasn't sure what to do with this revelation... They felt cold... It was like being with him in MTT again... Their ideas about Sans needing reshaped and realigned. But...

LOAD

"i believe you can do the right thing."

LOAD

"i believe you can do the right thing."

*You still think he means it

They didn't think he was lying to them... But... It seemed different than they remembered, but perhaps they hadn't been paying enough attention before, they'd had a lot on their mind that first time. But still, they could tell he wasn't _lying_.

"Um, so I have a favor to ask you." Undyne was saying and she continued to talk but Frisk felt distracted, thinking it all over as she handed them the letter. They didn't even react this time to her sudden upswings and shifts. They kept thinking about the photo album in the Workshop that they now didn't have the key for... They began to make their way towards Hotland, fiddling with the impossibly sealed letter between their small fingers.

They didn't know what to do...

They stood in Judgement Hall alone this time, staring at the place Sans usually was, where he had already stood once this timeline and wasn't going to come back no longer how much they waited. He'd already judged them...

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

They just weren't sure what that was... They felt like they'd grown so much over the last few timelines, that they were still growing. Getting to know everybody, getting to know themself. Letting themself open up. They felt so much better... They felt so different. They felt stronger. They felt... They felt...

.

"I felt loved." They admitted, lowering their head onto their knees. Their cheeks were burning a bright red. "I just couldn't let myself accept that yet. I couldn't let the thought slip. Even with all of my resolve to get everyone up to the surface I couldn't actually think it. Even the most inner part of me was quiet about it, not since it had first pushed it with Toriel. But even if I didn't acknowledge it, I still felt it from everyone else. I hadn't gained any LV. But I had gained love..." They glanced over at Sans, something hurt in their eyes, something guilty and apologetic. But they were looking down again.

.

*Despite everything its still you

They just... weren't sure what they were supposed to do now.

*You can't do much else.

No, they couldn't...

They reached for the Save Star in Judgement Hall and felt the coldness seep into their muscles. This Save Star never seemed to give them what they needed. But they needed to use this one if they were to meet with Asgore and failed yet again.

They paused again... Staring at their hand on the Star...

Undyne had warned them that if they hurt Asgore she would make them pay, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was keeping Flowey from getting at him, or from... from Asgore... How to stop him from...

They just weren't sure what to do to get that to happen.

They weren't sure how to... How to make Asgore show Mercy. They weren't sure how to get Asgore to show himself Mercy.

They just... wanted to help everyone. They'd made friends with Papyrus, with Undyne, they'd now just helped Alphys, everyone seemed happy, except Asgore. Except... except Sans.

*You at least know what Asgore wants...

Yes, to not have to kill, to make everyone happy... Just like Frisk.

Frisk just wasn't sure how.

And how... How could they make Sans happy?

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

Would getting through this be enough? Would... Could they...? They'd helped everyone else. They had to be able to help Asgore and Sans too! They were determined to help them! They would! They would keep trying no matter what until everyone was happy! And then... Frisk would be happy too!

They stormed forward, the certainty in their own resolve filling them with even more determination.

Asgore had his back turned to them as he stared ahead towards the pulsing white light, the crackle of magic in the air.

"This is the barrier." He said mournfully. "This is what keeps us all trapped underground." Frisk gripped their stick tighter, the determination keeping them standing tall. They would break it. They would find a way to ensure a happy ending for everyone! "If... If by chance you have any unfinished business... Please do what you must."

Frisk wouldn't back down! They wouldn't give up! This was the only unfinished business they had left!

"... I see..." Asgore sighed. "This is it, then." He turned back towards them, giving them that same kind, apologetic smile, the regret already in his eyes.

They wondered if he could see it. They wondered if he could see their determination, that same hope he had seen in the first fallen human... They hoped so. They hoped a part of him believed in their ability to save even him. Because they would need it. They held their little stick tightly...

"Ready?" His deep voice was so gently whenever he asked them that... It hurt... As if he were their father about to let go of the handles on their bicycle and knew they could get hurt but knew it couldn't be helped.

Like a trip to the dentist...

Like...

The Human Souls were rising up, already beating in tune with Frisk's inside their chest. Frisk wondered if the Human Souls were like Flowey. Frisk wondered if the Human Souls remembered each time Frisk came back here. They hoped so... It made Frisk feel a lot less alone.. The Souls seemed to bob in greeting within their little cases, their colours reflecting off of the glass.

Frisk stood tall as their own Soul was summoned and they prepared themself, taking in deep breaths.

Fight or Flight... Fight or... Fight. Fight. **Save**.

*(A strange light fills the room.)

*(Twilight is shining through the barrier.)

*(It seems your journey is finally over)

No, it wouldn't be over until they had succeeded! Somehow!

*(You're filled with DETERMINATION.)

They weren't sure what they could do but...

"i believe you can do the right thing."

"Human. It was nice to meet you." Those words that haunted them. They hated them.

_"It was nice to meet you."_ A goodbye masked with a greeting. It was nice to meet you but now it is time to part ways. It was nice to meet you but now it had to end. Just a memory. Now, do not come back... It was just nice to have met you... Just a fading, fond memory...

His sad smile. His lowering eyes.

"Goodbye." His lowering head. His arm rising-

**_Fire_**.

Frisk's eyes widened in alarm as the flame ignited to the side of their vision and they twisted, ready to jump out of the way. But the flame wasn't coming towards _them_. It wasn't coming _from_ Asgore. It was coming _for_ Asgore.

"What a miserable creature, torturing such a poor, innocent, youth..."

*Mom!

Toriel!

Their friend and guardian...

"I thought that perhaps I would let you make your journey alone, but I could not stop worrying about you."

Frisk was smiling, their cheeks turning the slightest bit rosey.

She came! Frisk had... Frisk had stopped calling for her a few timelines ago, but in the end she had actually... She came!

"It is not right to sacrifice someone to simply let someone leave here. Is that not what I've been trying to prevent this whole time?" Something in Frisk settled coldly in their stomach even as the rest of Frisk felt entirely uplifted. "So, for now, let us suspend this battle. As terrible as Asgore is... He deserves Mercy, too."

.

"You know what happened next." They stated. "Everybody kept coming. I felt so... I felt so relieved. I was so.. I was so happy! And then... You know."

Yeah. Sans knew. The **_flower_**.

"i don't know everything." He stated. "you never told us what happened after we all blanked out. we just know something happened even if we can't actually remember. heh. kinda like a reset i suppose." Frisk was grimacing. "sorry." They shook their head.

"No, it's okay... It was kinda like a Reset. That was what he was trying to achieve."

"huh..." There was a pause. "are you.. are you going to tell me how that went?" He asked nervously, not understanding their hesitance here. This should have been easy to tell? R-Right?

Frisk took a deep breath.

.

*It's the end of the world...

Their friends were gone. Their friends were in trouble! Everything was dark but something warm was supporting them, keeping them upright even as the attacks rained down upon them. It was Determination. It was helping Frisk pull their Soul forcefully back together.

*It refused!

*You refuse!

They had to keep thinking about why they were there! They had to hold onto their hopes and dreams. Every part of them was determined. Every part of them was desperate to save everyone!

"All your progress... Everyone's memories." He had told them. "I'll bring them all back to zero!" He had smiled genuinely at them. "Then we can do everything ALL over again." He had attacked them, bullets raining down everywhere, bursts of colour pouring from above them, hot and burning... "And you know what the best part of all this is?" He had goaded. "You'll **DO** it."

No, they wouldn't let it happen! They would get to the end of this!

"And then you'll lose to me again." He declared.

No, Frisk would win! And then he would break the barrier just like he promised! He'd have to! Frisk would make him!

"And again!"

No!

"And again!"

*But it refused

Frisk was panting as they continued the battle, feeling worn.

"Because you want a 'happy ending'."

"Because you 'love your friends'."

"Because you 'never give up'."

They wouldn't give up!

*But it refused.

They refused! They refused to quit! They refused to lose!

"Isn't that delicious? Your "determination". The power that let you get this far... It's gonna be your downfall!"

They refused!

"Now, ENOUGH messing around! It's time to purge this timeline once and for all!"

The attack he used... It threatened to suck them in too, it threatened to tear their poor Soul to shreds, but they held on, their HP lingered weakly at 1 and they had nearly collapsed, but something was warm, like arms, supporting them. They had to stay determined... They had... had to...

It was hard to think, but they held on.

*The Absolute GOD of Hyperdeath!

Frisk had barely been holding on before, but... They had... had to..

"I can feel it... Every time you die, your grip on this world slips away. Every time you die, your friends forget you a little more. Your life will end here, in a world where no one remembers you..."

*The whole world is ending...

THEY REFUSED!

"Still you're hanging on... That's fine. In a few moments, you'll forget everything, too. That attitude will serve you well in your next life!"

*The whole world is ending.

N-No... No.. They were struggling, but they couldn't move their body. Like being entrapped in strangling vines, in Muffet's web... His laughter was all around them.

"Still? Come on... Show me what good your DETERMINATION is now!" He taunted knowing that all they could do was struggle helplessly. They couldn't even... They couldn't even call out... They were struggling to breath. They couldn't move their body... Their struggle was pointless. There was no way forward. Their mind thought back quickly to the cold Save Star in Judgement Hall. They had to... They had to go back. Somehow, they had to... But the ping wouldn't come. They couldn't reach the Save File. They knew it was still there, but they just! couldn't! **reach**! it! That was even worse than all their fights before. It was there but they still couldn't reach it! They tried again desperately.

*Nothing happened. Seems SAVING really is impossible...

Frisk's Soul kept reaching anyways, tears streaming down their face. They had to reach it! They had to save it!

*But...

Frisk couldn't reach! They couldn't save-!

*Maybe, with what little power you have... You can SAVE something else

Frisk stopped struggling, the thought lingering. They lifted their eyes. towards their opponent towering over them.. but most importantly... to where they knew the Souls were.

Frisk wanted to SAVE them... They wanted to save their friends... That was the most important thing to them. They wanted to save their friends! They were all in there, weren't they?

_"so as long as you keep holding on. so as long as you do what's in your heart... i believe you can do the right thing."_

Their hand had shot out ahead of them, they had forced a deep breath through the pain, their face red and tear streaked.

*You called for help

"SANS!"

Something was resonating around them... And soon...

*The Lost Souls appeared

.

Frisk let out a small, soft laugh.

"Papyrus came with you..." They whispered, and Sans couldn't help but offer them a genuine smile in return. "Even then, you both came together."

.

The brothers' faces were whited out, even though the two of them were there, they didn't seem _there_... They could just barely make out the two smiles beneath the flickering white lights. Frisk's teeth had gritted together as they got ahold of themself.

"Why did the skeleton want a friend?" They called as they offered a broken smile. "Because.. Because he was feeling bonely!"

*He seems to love it... But the other Lost Soul seems to hate it.

Sans was smiling, he was always smiling... but...

"just give up. i did."

Frisk flinched, staring at Sans' masked face...

_"well, if i were you, i would have thrown in the towel by now. but you didn't get this far by giving up, did you?"_

"why even try?"

"We can't give up..." Frisk told him. "But... Let's take a break. Let's go to Grillby's, okay? Then try a-again, right? _Please_..."

*He seems like he wants to.

"you'll never see 'em again."

_*(There are photos of Sans with a lot of people you don't recognize)._

_Seven. Seven homes..._

There was pain in their Soul...

Yeah... There were some people you would never see again. And it hurt. It hurt so much, you miss them so much... Sometimes... Things hurt. Things were awful. But... They glanced over towards Papyrus... They took another deep breath and turned their attention back towards Sans.

"Sometimes you just have to realize that there is still somebody out there that really cares about you... and accept it!" They lifted out their hands towards their two friends. "What about your brother?! Are you really going to give up?!"

The white surrounding Sans' face vanished and for the briefest moments, they saw his smile reach his eyes.

"nah, i'm rootin for ya, kid."

A few moments later Papyrus' face was unmasked and he had his own wide smile.

"NO! WAIT! YOU'RE MY FRIEND!

Frisk had to laugh softly, relief filling them with determination. Frisk could do this... They could do this. Frisk could have done anything... And they would. They would do it! They would SAVE everyone...

.

"And I did, I... I saved them and then... I... I ended up winning." They ended shortly. "And he broke the barrier." Sans was eyeing them suspiciously, feeling like they were leaving out something. Something important... "We were on the surface..." They murmured. "But you've already known that."

.

They stood there, with Toriel's hand wrapped gently around theirs. They had never felt happier. They were radiating joy. It was everywhere around them, the smiles of all their friends brighter than the sun they were all seeing for the first time. But...

Something cold had rested in their stomach as everyone began to rush off. Toriel had turned back towards them.

"Frisk... You came from this world, right..." Frisk gave Toriel a patient smile. "So you must have a place to return to, do you not? What will you do now?"

They had done it. All that they had wanted and more... Except...

They looked over towards the entrance of the Underground...

.

"I... I can't apologize! I just can't!" They said with force, even as their voice broke pitifully. "Not for that first time.. I had to try! I had to go back! I just had to!" They were so adamant about it that it genuinely was scaring Sans. Their voice was traced with hurt and regret but they so adamantly refused to actually regret it.

"frisk... what is this about?" Sans asked cautiously. "what did you think you still had to do?"

They had saved Asgore, they had had the chance to make Sans happy, they had been on the brink of everything! So why? There had to be a reason, a reason they thought was good enough to immediately throw away the good ending without so much as a day's rest, before anyone had even gotten off of the mountain.

.

*You **have** to go back

* **You have to**

That part of them would never forgive them if they didn't...

They turned to Toriel with an apologetic smile, but if she had known the truth...

"There's places I have to go." They told her sadly, but firmly. They were determined. They were happy just knowing they could get this ending, it was just...

.

"There was still somebody left behind..." Sans was watching them curl up into themself even more, their legs protectively pulled up to their chest, one arm wrapped around them, the other digging into the blanket beneath them, clawing at it anxiously. What he could see of their expression was so mournful, but scared, scared because they knew he wouldn't understand, and- It clicked.

"the flower..." He realized, his voice was half a groan. "of _course_ you went back for the flower!"

That was just so them! They had wanted everyone to be happy! And that would mean _everyone_! He couldn't help but feel a spark of anger, but he tried to swallow it down. But dear glory, the thing had made their life a living hell! Had torn them into pieces! Had threatened everything! It- The dark thing he knew they had done settled in his ribcage and he felt the anger freeze in place... He felt utterly unprepared again as they twisted towards him, their eyes wide as they met his, their expression terrified.

"There's something... You have to promise not to tell. Tell to anyone!" Their voice grew more urgent to match the desperation on their face. His smile was tight, his face still hardened, the anger there under the surface even as he tried to keep it down. And they _knew_ he was angry and trying not to be. "Please, you can't tell..."

"not like i'm going to be telling anyone any of this, kiddo." He said honestly, even if a bit bitterly.

Their lips were pressed together thinly and it struck him just how important this was to them. How really, really important this was. It was the reason they had kept the treadmill running afterall, walking in the dark with no end. So important to understanding everything that came next. They knew how much he hated promises... but they were still asking him anyways.

"okay.." He said finally with a resigned sigh, everything seeping out of him. "okay, i promise."

Still, they looked terrified but something desperate settled away as they accepted his answer. They were hugging their knees still, their eyes out across the lights of the city bellow the mountain. He could tell they were thinking about how to go about telling him what they needed to, but eventually they gave up. They closed their eyes tightly as they opened their mouth, to do it quick. Like ripping off a band-aid. But their muscles were tense, and SAns knew, they'd promised not to tell. This was a secret that they had promised not to tell and they were telling him anyways. They had asked him to make a promise even as they broke one themself.

"The flower is Asriel!"

Sans was frozen, the words bouncing around in his skull.

Asriel.

The prince, Asriel.

_Toriel's_ kid.

The one whose _"dust had spread across the garden"_.

A garden of... now yellow flowers.

But... How?!

And if that was true, then how, how could the _prince_ , the one who had died showing Mercy, how could he-?

But wasn't he always wondering the same thing about Frisk?

Their eyes opened, still scared, but filled with a layer of tears.

"I had to go back..." They whispered. "I had to... I can't apologize, but... I'm sorry." They put thier head down against their knees again. "I'm sorry it was all pointless in the end, but I still had to try! I had to..."

They "had to". Because they had had the power to, they had had to try. They had to do the right thing, they just _had to_. They had wanted to make everyone happy, and if everyone was happy they could be happy. But there had still been somebody left behind.

"He... He doesn't have a Soul." They whimpered as their head lifted slowly. "He... Alphys injected determination into one of the little flowers that had first sprung up in the garden, and... he was there, he came back without a Soul, he couldn't feel a thing, Sans! Not anything good!" Their head was turned towards him again, and the tone of their voice was begging him to understand. "He couldn't feel compassion! He couldn't feel love! He... He just... He was hurt! But... When he had everyone's Soul though..."

.

*You feel your friends' Souls resonating within Asriel...

Frisk could feel them, they could feel everyone, they'd done it! They'd-

* **No**.

Frisk felt the sensation ripple through them... There was... It was resonating within their Soul, determined, desperate. They looked up towards Asriel, the feeling growing stronger and stronger.

*It seems that there is still one last person that needs to be saved!

But... Who?

The feeling was desperate, clawing at Frisk's Soul, it was too much. It hurt... The tears that had dried in Frisk's eyes were returning... They knew. This pain, this hurt, they knew... To save somebody you loved so so much and felt helpless to do it, but right then, they could... They _had to_. They reached out a hand, the tears not stopping.

"Asriel!"

Asriel's expression was surprised.

"Huh? What are you doing...!?"

The pain ripped through Frisk, their hand outstretched, the pain was reaching out for Asriel, a sense of intense longing, so very desperate... Their vision faltered, but memories were...

Frisk landing on a bed of flowers, Toriel...

No...

No... They weren't Frisk's memories... They had to be Asriel's, reaching Frisk as they reached out their own pain.

Asriel finding his friend, the one who had died, who had... Who...

Chara...

The name he always mistakenly called them by.

Their Soul was resonating with everyone else's. All responding to the memories, all reaching out, all wanting to Save him...

"Wh... what did you do...?" He asked breathlessly, his voice shaky, raspy as he refused to cry. "What's this feeling... What's happening to me?"

Asriel...

"No. NO! I DON'T NEED ANYONE!"

The attacks were intense, but Frisk held on, they kept holding out their hand, desperate to fix this. To fix their mistake, this mistake...

"STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM ME! Do you hear me?! I'll tear you apart!"

Frisk wouldn't give up!

"Chara... Do you know why I'm doing this...?"

It hurt so much...

"Why I keep fighting to keep you around...?"

The fire was falling, but Frisk could stand in place, he looked broken above them..

"I'm doing this because you're special, Chara..."

*Asriel...

"You're the only one who understands me. You're the only one who's any fun to play with anymore."

Frisk felt the desperation clutching at their Soul, a sense of strange guilt. They weren't who he thought they were. They weren't anything special... Not like that...

"No... That's not JUST it. I... I... I'm doing this because I care about you, Chara."

*Asriel..!

"Asriel!"

_"Please... Wake up..."_

"I care about you more than anybody else!"

The fire was falling like tears...

"I'm not ready for this to end. I'm not ready for you to leave. I'm not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again..."

_"Please... Wake up... I don't like this plan anymore. I... I... ... no, I said... I said I'd never doubt you. Six, right? We just have to get six..."_

Frisk's mouth opened and they called out his name again, but it felt strange, not much like them... It was the voice of everyone around them. Their hearts as one... Everyone wanted this... Everyone's hearts beating as one couldn't be wrong... It was suffocating, it hurt, but... They had to. They had to keep going.

_"We'll be strong! We'll free everyone."_

"So, please..." His voice was everywhere, shaking as he bursted into tears. "STOP doing this AND JUST LET ME WIN!" He lifted his hands, large amounts of magic pooling there and then being sent Frisk's way. Frisk braced themself, their determination holding strong. There was an array of colours and Frisk couldn't see, it burned but their Soul held on, Frisk held on, everyone helped them hold on. Something was clutching furiously at their Soul, helping Frisk in forcing it to stay together.

_"And we'll do it together, right?"_

1/20 HP

00.10/20

00.0001/20

00.0000000001/20

The attack stopped and Frisk was panting heavily, sore but eyes focusing.

"Chara..."

"Asriel..." Frisk whispered.

"I'm so alone, Chara..."

*I'm so sorry... I'm so, so sorry...

Frisk couldn't stop crying as they continually reached out for him.

"I'm so afraid, Chara... Chara, I... I..."

His magic was seeping out of him, his form fading with each Save... Everything was fading, until finally, they heard small sobs echoing around them, the voice of a child, a voice they had heard before.

He was before them, crying so pitifully against his sleeve. Frisk's heart ached...

"I'm so sorry." He whimpered. Slowly, he lowered his arm and looked up at them, the tears wouldn't stop. "I always was a crybaby, wasn't I, Chara?" Frisk's breath shuttered as they breathed in, tears of their own unstoppable as they continued to cry too.

_"N-No, I'm not... ... big kids don't cry."_

"... I know." Asriel continued sadly. "You're not actually Chara, are you?" Frisk rubbed at their face, trying to stop crying. "Chara's been gone for a long time."

There was an intense longing to call out to him.

*You... You...

They were at a loss of what to do, they just couldn't stop _crying_.

"... Um... What... What IS your name?" Asriel asked, astonished that he didn't know it. Frisk let out a weak laugh, nobody had asked them that...

"Frisk." They told him, their voice growing more even... Even as the tears lingered in their eyes.

"... Frisk?" He looked down sadly, pitifully... "...That's a nice name." He looked up eventually. "Frisk... I haven't felt like this for a long time. As a flower, I was soulless." His expression was hurt, regretful, he didn't want to talk about this... His eyes narrowed and he sniffled before he continued. "I lacked the power to love other people..."

Something inside Frisk broke, they could feel it, something snap, something desperate to keep reaching out, but there was nothing more to do, he was here now.. But-

*You want to go to him

*You-!

The impulses died, the longing lingering but no longer pushing at them.

"However, with everyone's souls inside me..." He was still looking down so miserably. "I not only have my own compassion back... But I can feel every other monster's as well. They... all care about each other so much." He sounded pained, astonished at the same time, but then he was smiling happily as he looked up. "And... they care about you too, Frisk." Frisk's wasn't sure what Asriel saw in their expression that made him look down again after a short pause, that made him see that they were unsure of how to take his words.

_"someone really cares about you."_

They wanted to accept that, so much...

They just couldn't afford to accept it. Even then, even standing there... They just...

"I wish I could tell you how everyone feels about you... Papyrus... Sans... Undyne... Alphys... Toriel... Monsters are weird. Even though they barely know you... It feels like they all really love you."

Love...

The tears were regaining their ground and Frisk covered their face as they let out a short sob. But they were smiling...

*Of course they love you, Frisk...

They forced themself to lower their hands and look up, they offered Asriel that same wide smile even as the tears continued to fall down their cheeks. He offered them a weak laugh, but then his face grew serious again, fearful and hurt.

"Frisk... I.. I understand if you can't forgive me. I understand if you hate me. I acted so strange and horrible. I hurt you. I hurt so many people. Friends, family, bystanders... There's no excuse for what I've done."

"I forgive you." It came out almost immediately, without a single thought. Of course they did, of course they forgave him. He was hurt... He had been broken.

.

"And he still wasn't fixed... He still... He broke the barrier, with the Souls, and gave them back, but then..."

"he had to go back to being the flower..."

Frisk was sniffling, but they were keeping it together as best they could.

.

"It's best if you just forget about me, okay? Just go be with the people that love you..."

*But-!

But!

His head lowered, and everything within Frisk-

*You need to go to him!

*You-!

Frisk was crossing the distance and wrapping their arms tightly around him, holding him close. His arms wrapped around them in return, and Frisk began rubbing his back gently.

"Ha... Ha..." He was crying again, but so was Frisk. "I don't want to let go." Neither did they... But he did. He let go first and pulled away, forcing Frisk to take a few steps back... Even as their arms remained reaching out, the longing, desperation still not appeased, still there...

*You...

"You're going to do a great job, okay? No matter what you do. Everyone will be there for you, okay?"

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

He was leaving. He was leaving! He was fading away, everything was getting dark. But... But there had to be a way. He couldn't just be there one moment and then gone again the next!

_This... This was all just a bad dream...! Please! Frisk! Don't let this be the end! That **can't** be the end!_

A crying voice they didn't recognize was urgent in their half waking mind, their Soul felt heavy...

"Frisk.. Please... wake up!"

Wait.. no... that was... that was Toriel's... They...

_"Chara... Can you hear me? We want you to wake up..._ "

Their eyes opened wide, surrounded by everyone that loved them... Everyone except...

..

"so you reset... and you kept resetting..." They nodded darkly, their head down, their legs still pulled in. He wanted to wrap his arm around them, but something, the way they kept staring at him guiltily every so often, how they were tense, it made him stay back, something told him that they wouldn't want him to. They would want him to but they wouldn't at the same time. At least until they were done...

"I had to save him... I had to..." They whispered.

They'd _had to_...

"but you couldn't."

A hand rose to cover their eyes as their shoulders shuttered, and a small sob rippled through them.

"But I couldn't."

.

Their eyes opened to the ceiling above them, determination flowing through them as they sat up and stared over their shoulder towards the Ruin entrance... They picked themself up off of the ground and made their way to where they knew _he_ would be waiting.

"Howdy!"

*Asriel...

They would save him. They would! Somehow... Someway...

He didn't remember then, that was apparent, that was something new...

But their fingers were wrapped firmly around their little stick as Toriel came to their rescue, offering them that same smile she always did...

_"Everyone will be there for you, okay?"_

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

But...

_"All your progress... Everyone's memories. I'll bring them all back to zero!"_

It would be fine... It would be okay...

_"Then we can do everything ALL over again."_

Once they finally stopped, it would be okay... It would all stay, and everyone will be.. be happy and safe.

_"And you know what the best part of all this is?... You'll **DO** it."_

They had to.

_"Isn't that delicious? Your "determination". The power that let you get this far... It's gonna be your downfall!"_

They _had to_.


	6. Affording To Reset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *......

RESET

_"Huh? What are you doing...!?"_

RESET

_"It's best if you just forget about me, okay?"_

RESET

_"Just go be with the people that love you..."_

RESET

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

RESET

_"Ha... Ha.. I don't want to let go."_

RESET

_"What's this feeling... What's happening to me?"_

RESET

_"somebody really cares about you."_

RESET

_"Stay determined!"_

RESET

_"You idiot."_

RESET

_"Over and over and over."_

RESET

_"Until you tire of trying."_

RESET

_"Will you kill out of frustration?"_

RESET

_"Or will you give up entirely on this world..?"_

RESET

_"just give up, i did."_

RESET

_"we're all counting on you, kiddo."_

RESET

_"You have the power..."_

RESET

_"We could be like... Like a family..."_

RESET

_"No. That's just a fantasy, isn't it?"_

RESET

_"Pathetic, is it not?"_

RESET

_"I'm sorry... I could not give you a simple happy ending.."_

RESET

_"Stay determined!"_

RESET

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

RESET

_"just give up, i did."_

RESET

_"What's this feeling... What's happening to me?"_

RESET

_"just give up, i did."_

RESET

_"just give up, i did."_

RESET

_"just give up, i did."_

RESET...

_"Please do not come back."_

RESET

RESET

RESET!

_"It was nice to meet you."_

RESET

_"All your progress... Everyone's memories."_

RESET

_"Do you know why I'm doing this...?"_

RESET

_"i would have thrown in the towel by now."_

RESET

_"I'm not ready for this to end."_

RESET

_"I'm not ready for you to leave."_

RESET

_"I'm not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again..."_

RESET

_"It was nice to meet you."_

RESET

_"All your progress... Everyone's memories."_

RESET

_"I'll bring them all back to zero!"_

RESET

_"It was nice to meet you."_

RESET

_"Then we can do everything ALL over again."_

RESET

_"And you know what the best part of all this is?"_

RESET

_"You'll **DO** it."_

RESET

_"Because you want a 'happy ending'."_

RESET

_"I'm sorry... I could not give you a simple happy ending.."_

RESET

_"Because you 'love your friends'."_

RESET

_"Just go be with the people that love you..."_

RESET

_"Because you 'never give up'."_

RESET

_"just give up, i did."_

RESET

_"Isn't that delicious?"_

RESET

_"Pathetic, is it not?"_

RESET

_"Your 'determination'."_

RESET

_"Stay determined!"_

RESET

_"The power that let you get this far..."_

RESET

_"you didn't get this far by giving up, did you?"_

RESET

_"It's gonna be your downfall!"_

RESET

RESET

RESET

RESET!

_"Stay determined!"_

RESET

_"that's right. you have something called 'determination'."_

REST

_"so as long as you hold on..."_

RESET

_"so as long as you do what's in your heart..."_

RESET

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

RESET

RESET

RESET

RESET!

RESET!

_"just give up, i did."_

RESET..

RESET...

RE...

_"What's this feeling... What's happening to me?"_

RE...

RESET...

**_"You really ARE an idiot."_ **


	7. Affording To Be Jealous

"Don't worry about me. Someone has to take care of these flowers." Frisk's face was shadowed as they watched him kneel down in the flower bed, his head lowered to avoid them. A part of them had known immediately this was where they would find him... They had woken up surrounded by everyone, everything the same, but still so desperate... They didn't know what else to do. They had wanted to find him again, before he turned back, and the deepest part of them had offered this very spot.

_*The grave... He went to the grave._

Chara's grave, his best friend... Of course he had come here... And of course Frisk had followed.

"Frisk, please leave me alone."

"Come back..." They begged, their voice small.

"I can't come back." Asriel answered with just as small a voice. Frisk stepped closer and he looked up, he could see their broken expression, the hurt in their eyes. "I just can't, OK?" He lowered his head shamefully. "I don't want to break their hearts all over again... It's better if they never see me."

Heartache. It ebbed and flowed through them, just as sorely as their muscles. They fell to their knees beside him and the smell of flowers tried to strangle them. They were beginning to hate the smell... Sometimes they smelled it even when it wasn't there, even when they were at least a few days a way from another RESET. They dreamed about it. It was a nightmare made worse by the reality that they were, probably, most likely, eventually going to have to come back...

They didn't know what else to do.

"... why are you still here?" Asriel asked sadly turning his face towards them. He gave them a watery smile. "Are you trying to keep me company?"

Their throat was clamped shut, they were too afraid they would begin to cry again, but... also... They knew the truth. They knew that they had started to stop talking again. Several RESETS ago... Long after they had already lost count. It was getting harder and harder, but... They... They stayed determined. They had to... They just... had to...

"Frisk..." Asriel began after a minute, but then hesitated, his mouth opening and then closing again. "..." He looked so sad, so broken... And he didn't even know. He didn't even know how many times... "Hey. Let me ask you a question." Frisk nodded slowly. "Frisk... Why did you come here?" Frisk blinked, uncertain, they tilted their head... Wasn't that obvious? They couldn't just leave him alone again... They...

"Everyone knows the legend, right...?" He began again. "Travelers who climb Mt. Ebott are said to disappear." Frisk had to blink again, their face falling in surprise... Climbing Mt. Ebott... That was so long ago now. It was only a distant memory, but it was one of the few things that had still technically happened, wasn't it?

They had climbed a mountian nobody was ever said to come back from...

Guess Frisk hadn't come down yet either.

"Frisk." Asriel's voice was hesitant. "Why would you ever climb a mountain like that? Was it foolishness? Was it fate? Or was it... Because you...?" His voice trailed off and he couldn't look them in the eyes, but Frisk could fill in the blanks.

And the answer was no, they hadn't come here to die. But they didn't say it aloud, they didn't want to answer the question... Because, in the end, perhaps it had been simple foolishness. It definitely... Definitely wasn't fate.

"Well... Only you know the answer, don't you...?"

They'd just had to go...

"I know why Chara climbed the mountain." Frisk froze solid, even as everything kept turning inside them as they held their breath. They weren't sure why they were as alarmed as they were, but something... It was just that... All of these timelines, of him calling them that, of them watching the tapes in the True Lab each time, they only knew so much about them; Chara. That they were important to the monsters, to Asriel, and that they had loved the Monsters enough to die. Even enough to... kill. "It wasn't for a very happy reason."

They'd climbed a mountain nobody was said to come back from...

Of course it couldn't have been happy...

"Frisk. I'll be honest with you." Asriel said as evenly as he could, but it was mournful, his gaze lingered on the flowers at his knees, at where his best friend was buried. "Chara hated humanity. Why they did, they never talked about it. But they felt very strongly about that."

Frisk felt heavy, their shoulders slacking. They felt like they had known that... That when they had eaten those flowers, it had been out of love, yes, but... hatred as well. A part of them feared that it had been mostly hatred.

Humanity... wasn't the best. At all. But they also weren't the worse, either... _Right_? Their right hand lifted to grasp at their left arm, a bit too tightly, something hard in their stomach and their teeth clenched anxiously. _Right_...?

*You... forgive too easily...

"Frisk... You really ARE different from Chara." Frisk lifted their eyes to watch him... Uncertain. "In fact, though you have similar, uh, fashion choices... I don't know why I ever acted as if you were the same person."

Frisk was slowly starting to smile again, sadly, but genuinely interested in hearing what he had to say. And not because... Not because it was new, something they were finding rarer and rarer these... resets.

"Maybe... The truth is.. Chara wasn't really the greatest person." Frisk's smile fell and they felt surprised even as another part of them coiled together tightly.

_"I'll go get the flowers."_

"While, Frisk... You're the type of friend I wish I always had. So maybe I was kind of projecting a little bit."

_"I said... I said I'd never doubt you."_

Frisk wasn't... Wasn't anything special, either. And it felt strangely cutting to hear him talk like that. Maybe because... A part of them had always been a bit jealous of Chara. Of how much the Monsters had loved them, how much Asriel had loved them, how even though they had died at least everybody always remembered them.

*You hadn't known he had ever felt like this...

*Even though it's the awful truth...

*It hurts...

It hurt. Something inside them was truly hurt... Of course what he was saying was right, right? But... Frisk didn't think... They...

"Let's be honest. I did some weird stuff as a flower." Asriel admitted. The hurt only lingered, maybe even grew deeper as he brought up being a flower, a grim reminder that their work still wasn't finished. How they still had to fix this. Fix this mistake.

*Not yours, Frisk...

No... It wasn't, but sometimes, it felt like it. The feelings were there regardless of what Frisk knew. And still... Even if it wasn't their mistake, they still wanted to fix it. They wanted to save him...

"There's one last thing I feel like I should tell you. Frisk, Chara and I combined our SOULs together... The control over our body was actually split between us." Frisk was still listening, but they felt so heavy... Something inside them felt like it had died. "They were the one that picked up their own empty body. And then, when we got to the village... They were the one that wanted to... to use our full power. I was the one that resisted. And then, because of me, we... Well, that's why I ended up a flower."

*It's not his fault either...

"Frisk... This whole time, I've blamed myself for that decision. That's why I adopted that horrible view of the world. Kill or be killed. But now...After meeting you... Frisk, I don't regret that decision anymore. I did the right thing."

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

*...

"If I killed those humans... We would have had to wage war against all of humanity."

_"Six, right? We just have to get six..."_

A twisting, coiling, anxious sensation, wanting to get out of Frisk's skin. Squirming. Frisk's fingernails dug into the fabric of their thick sweater, pressing into their arm. They felt... They felt funny. It was kinda.. Kinda hard to breathe. They felt like they were being pulled apart, not painfully, not yet, but they could feel the stretch, the distress was buried deep in their chest, but wanting to get out. To escape.

"And in the end, everyone went free, right?"

*No...

No, there was still him. There was still Frisk.

"I still feel kind of sad knowing how long it took..."

_"i would have thrown in the towel by now."_

"So maybe it wasn't a perfect decision. But you can't regret hard choices your whole life, right? Well, not that I have much of a life left."

_"Big kids don't cry."_

Frisk's eyes were filling with tears, the hurt too much inside them.

*You have to save him, Frisk... You...

"But that's besides the point." Asriel finished sadly. He glanced over towards Frisk, that same miserable smile on his muzzle. "Frisk, thank you for listening to me." They could hear the honesty in his voice. He truly meant that. He'd never had anybody to listen to that before, to get it off of his chest...

It was stabbing their heart...

They had to save him...

"You should really go be with your friends now, OK?" He was verbally pushing them away, closing the door to their conversation. "Oh, and, please... In the future, if you uh, see me... Don't think of it as me, OK?"

*Asriel...

"I just want you to remember me like this. Someone that was your friend for a little while."

He's just told them to go be with their friends, but then... And he felt like so much more than that. So much more than just a friend. They had to... They just had to save...

_"somebody really cares about you."_

"Oh, and Frisk... Be careful in the outside world, OK? Despite what everyone thinks, it's not as nice as it is here. There are a lot of Floweys out there. And not everything can be resolved by just being nice."

They... They knew that... After all...

_"Frisk... You came from this world, right...?"_

Their fingernails pressed into skin...

"Frisk... Don't kill, and don't be killed, alright? That's the best you can strive for."

*...

Everything just felt so heavy... So hollow...

"Frisk... Don't you have anything better to do?"

They rested their head against his shoulder and shook their head. Asriel was tense against them, surprised, but then leaned against them as well...

"You should get going..." He whispered even as he continued to lean into them.

You should get going, that prompting... That very same prompting. Timelines and timelines ago. Sitting in this exact same spot, looking up. The very same prompting as they had sat before The Barrier helpless. When they had decided to go after this, to come back here. To smell the flowers... To not give up...

They didn't want to give up. They refused... But... But...

Alphys was a lost cause. She just sputtered and didn't know enough about the Soul, about determination to help them. She was too skittish to even try. And she knew nothing about Saves. She was lost cause, just lost... No. Just a dead end. She was a dead end. Like the books in the library. They just had to find a different route. Like they had when trying to save Asgore. There had to be a different route. They just... weren't sure what to try next. Nothing was different. But they... They had... Had to try. They had to keep going.

RESET

They had climbed a mountain nobody was said to come back from...

RESET

But the reason they had climbed it... They had wanted to have a real life. Their life. And they would, with everyone! They'd find a way...

But...

_"Over and over and over."_

The same dialogue, same outcomes, same jokes, same threats, same encouragements, same masking smiles, same mantras. Their life had always been an endless cycle, but now it was literal. Now it never ended. The mantras were their lifelines as they continued to fall through timelines.

They just had to go.

They just had to stay determined.

Stay determined.

Stay...

"just give up, i did.."

Even this didn't change...

They stared at Sans and Papyrus across from them, their faces covered in white... They felt... They felt...

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

Asriel's memories were drowning them, they were reaching out desperately, a pained grunt escaping from them as they kept both hands out ahead of them.

Him finding Chara, helping them stand up even as their head killed them, their vision blurred... Even as...

_"I know why Chara climbed the mountain. It wasn't for a happy reason."_

A royal family portrait, holding flowers and laughing together as Chara hid away, embarrassed but happy. So happy. The most unfamiliar feeling-

_"The truth is.. Chara wasn't really the greatest person."_

Their Soul was resonating... They wanted! They wanted to-! They wanted to Save-! To fix-!

*But...

"Wh... what did you do...?" He asked breathlessly, his voice shaky, raspy as he refused to cry. "What's this feeling... What's happening to me?"

Frisk felt so heavy, they felt... So...

*Asriel...

"No. NO! I DON'T NEED ANYONE!"

The attacks came and the pain was intense against Frisk's skin, they let out a sharp cry.

They wanted-! They wanted to Save him! They had to keep going! There had to be a way but they had to keep going! They-

The watched their own Soul spilt in half and they forcefully tried to push it back together, they had to Save him! They-

*But we can't...!

The despair engulfed them and they felt their determination being ripped out from underneath them. Their eyes widened momentarily in shock, but their Soul was dividing in half.

Something shattered.

They fell backwards through an empty void, screaming. Frantic as time passed them by. They hit the ground forcefully, the smell of golden flowers nauseatingly surrounding them.

No...

No!

Something was collapsing inside of them, something dead.

The mouth of the hole they had once fallen through was above them, and Frisk's chest was moving up and down frantically.

That...!

They'd lost!

Flowey's cackle jolted them out of their horror and into an even worse nightmare. They twisted on the ground to see him across from them, just at the start of the flower bed, where he had once knelt as Asriel with them, giving them a watery smile. Flowey's face was twisted into a malicious, splitting sneer.

"Asriel..." They breathed, disbelief and horror surpassing the despair underlying everything they were feeling. Something just felt like it kept falling, coiling, smaller and smaller as everything ended... But Frisk... Their fingers dug into the leaves of the flowers around them, squeezing tightly, unable to accept it.

"Oh! So you kept a hold of your memories? How interesting! This is going to be so much fun!" His smile was impossibly wide as he twisted his 'head' grossly. "No matter what you do, you're just going to prove me right." He goaded. "You impossible **idiot**."

He summoned their Soul and Frisk couldn't breath properly, their heart was frantic as pellets surrounded them. They had to stay determined! Stay!

They lifted up to their knees, but the warmth was gone, it felt like a very vital part of them was gone. The determination that they could always count upon seemed hollowed out, part of it still there but another part shattered. N-No...

They were determined! They hadn't given up! They would fight! They would keep trying!

They pulled up their stick and held it out, their chest moving up and down quickly but still determined. They had to stay determined!

Flowey was laughing at their display, the sound was triumphant and surrounding them.

"You really are going to do it again, aren't you?!" He asked in delight.

Fire.

His eyes darted in the same direction as Frisk's, seeing the flame as it bared down on him, but his smile never vanished, they could hear a trail of sadistic laughter fade away as he slipped away into the ground. Frisk's heart was racing.

They would do it... They had to do it...

"What a despicable creature!" Toriel exclaimed in exasperation.

*Mom!

Tears were immediately springing up and they flung themself at her.

"Oh!" She grunted in surprise but after a moment of Frisk sobbing into her robes she wrapped her warm, protective arms around them, and began shush them. "It's alright little one, it's alright... I will keep you safe."

They couldn't stop _crying_.

Why were they _crying_?

They couldn't give up, they weren't giving up, but why...? Why did it feel like...?

What... What was this feeling?

_"What's happening to me?"_

They couldn't... Couldn't give up... They'd get there again, and this time.. This time they would win. They'd done it before they could do it again. They just had to stay determined. Stay... Stay determined.

But... Toriel wasn't helping. Hugging her, no matter how tightly they drew in her warmth, it wasn't helping...

Why couldn't they... stay determined?

What was this... feeling? Torn between two sensations. One part determined. One part falling. Frisk felt determined, but...

_"What's this feeling... What's happening to me?"_

*You...

_"just give up, i did."_

No. No...!

"YOU IDIOT!" His eyes were alive as he had his vines wrapped tightly around their friends, the Souls' powers flowing through him. Frisk's heart was racing, tears in their eyes. They were terrified. So absolutely terrified. "You did it! You really did do it again!" He was cackling, his head falling back. "How rich!" He declared as his eyes opened. "I'll just keep holding victory in front of you no matter how many times you try! You'll never win!"

But they had! They'd been here before! Several times! They had always pulled through in the end, they'd always held on! They didn't understand why they faltered last time, but this time... For sure!

*You can't win...

Their Fight voice was soft, no longer feeling like their "Fight" voice. They had barely heard it this entire timeline... Frisk's teeth were clenched, trying not to waiver. Perhaps it was not so much that their "Fight" voice had changed but rather had changed places. Thier chest was tight but determined. They would continue! To fight! To save! They would win!

"I'm just going to tear it away again! Right before you grasp it!"

"Over and over and over.. Hee hee hee!"

"But of course what I said last time still stands, do this... and I'll free everyone. I'll break the barrier. But... You won't. You can't win."

"Do not be afraid my child... No matter what happens we will be there to protect you!"

"THAT'S RIGHT, HUMAN! YOU CAN WIN! JUST DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!"

"Hey! Human! If you got past ME, you can do ANYTHING! So don't worry! We're with you all the way!"

They took the words and held them close against their chest, trying desperately to gather what determination they could from them to make up for whatever had changed or shifted inside Frisk... But... They'd all said that before... And Frisk...

"huh? you haven't beaten this guy yet?" Frisk felt all their emotions hollowing out, the lights in Sans' eyes had returned but... "come on, this weirdo's got nothin' on you..."

_"just give up, i did."_

*You can't win...

"Technically, it's impossible for you to beat him..."

*You can't...

*You can't save him...

*This is...

Flowey's smile was widening with every word coming from their friend's mouths. Knowing they had heard all of this before, that it was exactly the same.

*This is all pointless, Frisk.

They were being sling-shotted backwards through time, their Soul unable to pull itself back together. They grasped at their head desperately, the fear of their memories disappearing very real as they fell. They slammed down hard into the flowers, pollen floating up around them, choking them. Choking them as tears began to spring up immediately in their eyes, crying helplessly... The warm comfort they had been used to now completely gone. They'd... They hadn't even made it to the Lost Souls! They... They couldn't get everyone up to the surface anymore! They! They'd lost! They couldn't!

The mouth of the hole about them was like jagged teeth, dark and ominous as Frisk's eyes remained wide in horror, as tears streamed down the sides of their eyes, into their ears. They felt like their were going to be consumed.

They had always held on to the promise of getting everyone up to the surface, that even if they kept Resetting, over and over, that they could always stop. They could always stop if they really wanted to, and now!

No...

They raced through the Underground, just because they could... Desperate, not thinking about it, about any of it, they just couldn't give up, they had to stay determined! They had to go, they just had to go, to keep going... If they stopped, stopped for a moment... They could feel the heavy weight underneath everything, their inner voice silent even as they ran.

For the first time since the first timeline, they didn't hang out with Papyrus, they ignored Undyne, they barely played along with Alphys, their mind blank, going, not thinking about what they'd do once they reached New Home, and then suddenly there they were! New Home! This place... smelling so awfully of those yellow flowers, the entire place drained of colour.

"It's not long now..."

"King Asgore will let us go.'

"...give us hope."

"... will save us all."

Frisk was running... Running as fast as they could...

"You should be smiling, too."

"Aren't you excited?"

"Aren't you happy?"

They were forced to a stop, the Froggit staring at them innocently.

"You're going to be free."

It crushed down on Frisk like a boulder... Everything within them...

They'd climbed a mountain nobody was ever said to come back from...

Everything was tearing through them. They were running... They pressed their back up against the door as it closed behind them. They just couldn't stop crying... The inner voice was soft...

*You should just stop.

_"just give up, i did."_

No! No, they wouldn't! They just wouldn't! They couldn't!

Their hands were in their hair as they let out a loud sob, breathing in sharply, painfully as they slid down , their feet firm against the floor, their back pressing too tightly, too painfully against the door behind them.

*There's nothing else to do...

*Except...

Everything cut off as Frisk drew their knees in close to their chest and buried their face, shaking violently. The soft warmth crept around their Soul vaguely like arms, like it usually did when facing Asriel but had been absent the last two times. When they had fallen through. When they had lost. But no... It felt different than before. It felt weighted down, it felt sorrowful, mournful. As if it was a warm embrace; trying to comfort them. As quickly as the warmth had come it was gone again, slipping away before Frisk could gather it together and boost their determination. They felt abandoned. They felt alone. Cold...

They couldn't stop crying.

"um, kid...?" Frisk lifted their head quickly, their eyes wide in alarm. They had forgotten... Sans was smiling awkwardly, a brow raised as he gave them a concerned expression. Their eyes narrowed as they lifted themself up quickly, they threw themself into him, desperate. Their arms wrapped tightly around him as they buried their face into his hoodie. They felt him tense at the unexpected action. His arms did not wrap around them in return...

That was right, they had ignored him this entire time, even Papyrus... They felt the slightest prick of guilt but... Papyrus wouldn't remember when they Reset... again. It didn't even matter that Sans was uncomfortable in their hold. None of it even mattered...

They couldn't give up! They couldn't! But they...

"you're really turning out the waterworks there, bud." They ignored him and kept their face buried, their breathing shuttered as they tried to stop crying. A hand landed on their head and they gasped slightly in surprise before leaning their weight against him, relaxing into him comfortably as everything drained out of them, as they stopped crying... They felt so heavy, so pulled down... They twisted their face out of the fabric of his hoodie but continued to rest against him.

They could... They could fall asleep like this. Just fall asleep. He wasn't as warm as Toriel, but they were just so tired.

"you know..." Sans began softly, wrapping his other arm around them, to help them stay upright. "i'm supposed to be here to judge people when they come through, but... you know what? i'm not really feeling up to it. how 'bout we just... i don't know... take it easy, okay? a breather." They glanced up at him with a miserable expression, their eyes red from crying but searching his face, his expression...

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

They lowered their gaze again and rested against him, a few tears lingering in their eyes but Frisk didn't have enough in them to make them fall anymore.

That carefree smile, that expression... It was fake... Maybe it had always been fake. He didn't actually believe in them... Not really. Not in them as a person. They knew the truth. They knew he wasn't happy, they knew that all the encouragement, his faith in them, was never based in their heart. Not really... Right? Right...? They didn't know. They never knew... But he...

He knew... He knew about their time traveling.

They perked up suddenly at the thought, his name was on the tip of their tongue, but then... It seeped out of them and they slumped down against him again, staring vacantly.

What did he have but a broken machine and scribbled blueprints? What did he have but lost friends? Lost...

*You can't save him...

But they had to...

They had to...

But... They just... felt so heavy. Maybe if it kept pulling them down, pulling down on their Soul, they would slowly disappear. They would slowly fade away. Maybe they'd finally just-

Their eyes were wide in horror, their heart suddenly racing as they threw the thought away.

But it had already been thought...

Time was wisping around them, being pulled away. They felt Sans tense slightly beneath them.

"k-kid?" He began, sounding scared, but they were already falling, already smelling yellow flowers.

Maybe... Maybe earlier, if they had thought of Sans first, before Alphys, before their voice had started to fail them, maybe they would have called out to him. Maybe they would have immediately called out for help instead of jumping back through time, as if that could undo the thought. As if that could make it so they didn't feel that sick, twisted feeling. That feeling that had been building up over so many Resets and finally reaching a head. If they had just... Earlier... Maybe earlier they would have called out... Called out for help. But they hadn't.

There was no point in playing "what if".

Sans was already no longer in their arms and they were falling... Slamming into the bed of flowers.

RESET

They lay there, their heart still racing, the thought still having happened.

They... They...

No. They couldn't finish the thought again. They...

*You want to die...

Their inner voice repeated it anyways.

Frisk's heart was racing in their little chest... They couldn't... They couldn't deny it!

They had thought it first.

A hand lifted to their wide open mouth, covering it as they stared up at the ceiling, tears forming in their eyes. Their body having been replenished with the Reset.

*You should just give up, Frisk...

_"just give up, i did."_

Frisk was curling up on themself, laying on their side in the bed of flowers. Over a grave they sorta wished was theirs...

Another reason to be jealous of Chara...

*You...

The voice trailed off into silence as Frisk continued to sob.

Alone...

..

...

They had climbed up a mountain nobody was said to come back from.


	8. Not Affording To Give Up

They had wanted to die, but the problem was...

"Child?" Toriel's arms were warm around them, healing their bruises as they stayed sitting up in the flowers, their expression miserable, their half lidded eyes watching her sadly as she continued to ask them questions. If they were alright. They couldn't answer her... The answer would have broken her heart anyways. No. They... They... They-

.

"I'd just wanted-!"

"hey-!"

They were falling in on themself as their throat clamped down and they couldn't speak. They couldn't breath properly.

Sans didn't care...

He didn't care if they didn't want to be held or not. They needed to be and they were going to be.

They were falling apart...

His arms drew them in tightly as they tried to pull away from him, but quickly gave up, covering their face with their hands to hide away from him even as they were resigned to his hug. Their back shook and they sniffled quietly beneath their hands.

"shhhhhh." He tried softly, but they only pressed their hands tighter against their face and a sob ripped through the air as they tried to take a deep breath. He tried to pull them in tighter, to make sure they couldn't escape. They weren't trying to but something... They were just so tense, so rigid in his arms. He was holding them but mentally they were so distant. As if...

They didn't think they deserved to be held. Just like they didn't think they deserved to stay.

He hated that he knew they truly believed that... He hated that...

And he had **_known_**.

They'd wanted to...

He had **known**.

Oh god! He had known this! He had known! He could feel it! He had **_known_** this.

He had known that this was how they had felt, but just... The story had felt new to him, so if he knew about it he had never known all the details. This was the first time they were telling him _everything_. Or at least this part of it. This was them being so open and vulnerable and not feeling like they deserved him listening! Because...

He was already thinking ahead in the story, he knew, but he just couldn't help it.

He had **_known_**.

And what if he had known before it all went to hell? More to hell? What if he had known and hadn't done anything to stop it? What if-?

They were shaking against him, unable to stop or lift their hands away from their face, unable to look at him or accept his embrace...

They were just a kid, a goddamn kid, who shouldn't have had to deal with more than half the crap dealt out to them already in their short life! And they'd had to deal with it all alone, and if Sans had realized it, then he had _let_ them. He had _let_ them fall apart.

If he'd had an "inner voice" it would have been reminding him that he had been pretty messed up too. He had just never thought... He had never thought about how the Resets could mess them up. Not until they had told him about how they hadn't planned on breaking the barrier. But even then, he had somehow known this once. Just like he had known what they had done, he had known this too...

They let out another sharp cry, and Sans lifted a hand to the side of their head and tried to calm them, rubbing their neck gently.

"it'll be okay, frisk... it's okay now..." They were shaking their head, and they kept shaking it, they just didn't think he understood. He could see it, the guilt... They couldn't accept his comfort. Not when-

"I killed them!" Their voice was shrill, barely there. Their story had become quieter and quieter as the night had worn on, and talking a struggle but they had trudged on, and now their voice was trying to fail them, but still they talked. They _had to_. "I killed everyone!"

Sans let out a sigh, the pain slashing through his chest like a knife; not all of it figurative. His eyes closed and he rested his teeth against their forehead.

"i know."

They let out another loud sob and Sans readjusted his arms, pulling them into his lap as they crumbled.

"I'm sorry! I'm s-so sorry!"

"i know..."

His hand rested against the side of their head and his thumb continued to trace along their hairline comfortingly.

He had **known**.

They were still so tense against him. He didn't know what to do other than keep holding them. Their hands began to fall away from their face and they lifted their eyes in terror, unable to believe... There was so much pain in their expression.

"I killed Papyrus..." The magic was making him sick but he had to bite it down, he couldn't let his face betray how those words hurt him because they would interpret it so wrong. This was the ultimate sin, and they knew it... If nothing else got him to let go...

"i know..." His voice cracked and he pulled their head close, so that they were resting it against his chest.

They seemed to shift in surprise, but then gave in, their arms wrapped around him and hugged him back as they continued to cry.

"I'm so sorry." They managed again softly against his jacket. He was now rubbing their back slowly.

"i know, frisk, i know..." There were tears in his eyes now and he just couldn't help it...

"Why don't you still hate me?" They breathed in a raspy, tearfilled voice. He didn't know. Not all of it, not really. It was burried in forgetfulness, but honestly... The reasons didn't matter. "How can... How can you actually love m-me?" He just did. He didn't care about the "whys" or the "hows", he just did. Love didn't need an explaination, did it? "I've been a real monster..." They whispered. "I hurt _everyone_..."

"i... i know..." But what else could he say...? They just wouldn't stop shaking. He was starting to shake. He felt helpless again, utterly helpless. He didn't know what to say... They had their hands curling in against their chest, their entire body tense and trembling, but their voice was so soft... So scared...

"Why aren't you at least angry?" They choked.

He didn't know what to say but he had to say something, he at least, heh... He at least had to try. And he at least knew where to start.

"you were hurt, frisk, you were hurt real bad." And Sans had **known**. "i... that doesn't make what you did okay, but..." He closed his eyes and he sorted through his feelings, everything that was new or timelines old, feelings about things forgotten, some of it not mattering anymore and others still very real. But the feelings weren't angry, or hateful, not anymore.

Frisk... They...

"you're telling me you've done the unforgivable," He said, "but i feel like... i've already forgiven it." His eyes opened and he looked down at their wide expression, their brown eyes watching him in surprise. "and i'll say it now too, frisk, i forgive you."

They wanted to believe him... He could see it on their face, but it seemed too good to be true, too good for someone like them. How could he make them understand?! How could he...

"frisk... you forgave asriel, didn't you?" Their expression fell.

"But he... he..." Their voice trailed off, and their expression twisted, unable to reconcile the two ideas.

"you were hurt, frisk, and i... i'm sorry." Their face was open again, this time with horror.

"W-What?" They didn't understand. In their mind, he had nothing to apologize for. But Sans could feel it. He felt like he truly did.

"i'm sorry." He repeated sadly. Their eyebrows were knitted together, the confusion swimming in their eyes. "i let you deal with it alone.."

The pain in their expression was heartbreaking, and their lips were pressed together as they looked even more guilty.

"What more could you have done?" They asked weakly, their voice barely a voice.

"i don't... i don't know. but somethin'." Sans managed. They were looking down, and they slumped against him as they let out a few more sniffles.

"You... I think you wanted to, but you didn't know how." They admitted. "And... didn't think it mattered."

Probably. That sounded like him. But still, he shouldn't have let them go through this alone, he shouldn't have...

"I didn't think it mattered." They admitted, thier voice breaking again. "If I had just called out for help! Why didn't I just call?!"

"well... i didn't either."

He should have never let them go through this alone... Especially not when he knew how that felt like himself.

They were covering their face again.

"I'm sorry..." They whispered brokenly.

"you... you'd given up. i'm the last person that can judge you for that, even if i would have gone about it differently, i also... also wouldn't have held on as long as you had. i would have... would have broken down a lot sooner than that. i **did** break down a lot sooner than that. but.. it's okay, kiddo, it's all okay now... we're all safe, we're all here... and you're h-here..."

They were sitting together on a blanket, underneath the starry sky with the moon overhead. On the surface.

On the surface of a mountain nobody was said to ever come back from...

How?

How. the. **_hell_. ** had they gotten here?

"I..." They peeked up again, looking up just over the tips of their fingers, ready to retreat again if needed. "I... I didn't give up." They whispered. "Not then... I still..." Sans was watching them in shock, the lights in this eyes shrinking, wanting to go out.

They had wanted to **die**. How could they _not_ give up then?

What the hell were they made out of- no, he knew that one: determination. But how the hell?

How?

.

They had wanted to die, but the problem was...

"Child?" Her arms were warm around them, healing their bruises as they stayed sitting up in the flowers, their expression miserable, their half lidded eyes watching her sadly as she continued to ask them questions. If they were alright. They couldn't answer her... The answer would have broken her heart anyways...

She was telling them to not be afraid, that she was Toriel, caretaker of the Ruins. She paused, looking them over with worry as they didn't really respond, as they watched her unable to focus. Unable to pretend... Toriel ended up lifting them up off of the round and carrying them to the home... Telling them she would take care of them, that everything would be alright...

Everything really wasn't alright...

It would never be alright.

They'd lost _everything_.

The truth was collapsing in on top of them, they could feel it in their chest, a deeper and deeper opening, a void. Their eyes were open but dead as Toriel walked, their mind racing over their situation.

Because they wanted to die... To disappear, more correctly... And they couldn't.

They couldn't die.

They wanted to die...

They wanted to give up...

But... They _couldn't_.

The horror of their realization flooded over them.

They couldn't actually give up.

They had never been able to get Asgore to not die, to let them stay.

And now... They couldn't get everyone up to the surface with them.

They couldn't win. They were stuck. Stuck. What were they going to do now? What could they do?! If they got everyone to care enough about them, they would come stop Asgore and Asriel would force them back to the beginning. And then nobody would care again. They'd be alone again.

Toriel was humming softly to herself, they thought she was trying to comfort them, but...

*You could stay in the Ruins...

Frisk barely made the prompting out, but when they did, they mulled it over. For the briefest of moments it sounded like such a good idea. The best option. Because they could stay in the Ruins. In fact that had once been their greatest desires. To stay in the Ruins. To grow up in a place that would become too small for them would have been a luxury they would have never regretted. But now... It would have just been a luxury to grow up at all. To stay in the Ruins, to stop Resetting... It felt so, so _good_.

But...

Now they really would regret it.

They felt torn, visions of their friends on the other side of the door bombarding them.

To stay in the Ruins, they would be leaving everyone else behind... Just thinking about that they were filled with an intense sense of grief, already missing them. They always missed the ones they left behind... But it would be made worse because there wouldn't even be the possibility of being missed back. To know that their friends were just beyond the beckoning door.

That was so selfish.

So, so very selfish...

They felt like they were collapsing in on themself, so heavy, so weighted down... So repulsively selfish.

Because if they left the Ruins there was no turning back. If they just left the Ruins... Asgore would die. They had never found a way around it. Not without having their friends come for them. And if they came, Flowey would... It was the utmost feeling of despair, thinking about that.

What were they supposed to do? What could they do? They... They had to stay in the Ruins, didn't they? They had to give up-

_The warmth of the sun on their skin, monster laughter, everybody knowing their name..._

They didn't _want_ to give up! They just wanted everything to work! Why wouldn't it just _work_?! This wasn't fair!

"Here we are, little one." Toriel told them warmly, but her warm voice couldn't penetrate the coldness in their chest. "Your new home!"

 _Home_...

The sun...

The surface...

They'd _promised_...

They'd promised themself... Once they were done they would...

Toriel was sliding them down, so they could stand alone on their own two feet. They stood shakily, their eyes shifting slowly over towards the Save Star as she went to open the door.

They couldn't give up...

They couldn't...

The Save Star was cold...

"Please do not come back."

Toriel was hugging them, and they didn't hug her back. They felt heavy... They felt...

The Ruin door shut behind them and they watched it for awhile, staring up at it dumbly as they stood surrounded by snow.

They felt cold... Numb.

*What are you doing?

What the hell were they doing...?

*Why won't you just give up...? It's pointless if you can't save him...

They had to get the Monsters to the surface...

They _had to_..

*...

They stepped through the snow, the cold biting at their skin, but they didn't really feel it. Their feet dragged and they watched themself step over the stick in their way.

They heard it crack violently and they stopped short, waivering momentarily.

_"just give up, i did."_

No...

*You idiot...

They were... determined. They had to at least get everyone up to the surface! That was the only thing they had left to do! They had to... They just had to get that determination back. They just had to find some way to feel better. They had to.. try.

They had to keep going. To just go.

 **"h u m an."** They felt the motivation seep out of them at his cold, dead tone...

It was all the same...

RESET

They lay in the bed of flowers. Not certain as to why they had Reset, but they had. They hadn't even turned around.

_"Pathetic, is it not?"_

"Child?" Her arms were warm around them, heeling their bruises. They didn't even look up at her, their expression was blank.

This was all pointless...

They wished they could just fade away..

Like everyone's memories of them.

_"Your life will end here, in a world where no one remembers you..."_

Toriel was humming, trying to comfort them, promising them nice, warm pie as she carried them.

_"I could not save even a single child."_

But they had to... They had to...

They kept going. Sometimes getting halfway to Snowdin before dying and then just activating a RESET, waking up in a grave of flowers...

They were just so weighted down. It was just so easy to be carried by Toriel, not having to do anything until it came time to leave. Knowing that no matter how many times they were there, she would eventually spare them, hug them, believe in them... No. That wasn't true. Whenever they left through the door, she was always already grieving them. Certain she had just sent them off to their death.

She didn't believe in them...

**"h u m an."**

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

They had to keep going... They had to...

_"just give up, i did."_

They just felt so heavy... So weighed down.

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

The right thing, huh? What even was that anymore? What even...? He didn't even actually believe in them.

They had finally made it to Snowdin, after too many timelines of going back and forth. Their hand pressed into the Save Star in front of the shop but it was cold... All of them were cold.

They were standing by the river, having originally been making their way to meet Papyrus but unable to make the journey, unable to even Reset. That would be pointless, too.

They slumped against a tree and slid down into the snow.

They had to keep going... There had to be a way.

*You're just lying to yourself now, Frisk...

It didn't sound mean, it was just an honest statement...

No. There had to be a way. They had to keep going. They'd done it once before they had to do it again.

They kept sitting, growing cold in the snow as they watched the chunks of ice float by, on their way to cool the Core. They were so cold... So _numb_...

They knew they should feel alarmed, but they couldn't bring themself to be.

Their brain noted they should have been alarmed by that too.

They just didn't feel sad anymore, they just wanted to fade away, but they had to keep going, they had to keep moving.

 _You should get going_ , they prompted themself when nobody else did. They couldn't help but laugh, just a small, broken laugh at the absurdity of it all... The laugh died and they just felt so heavy. Their arms wrapped around themself and they leaned up against the tree, their eyes drooping. They were just so tired...

"man, you look chilled down to the _bone_." They lifted their head slowly to look at him. Sans was standing with his hands in his pockets and with an expression that almost showed concern. They couldn't even shrug for him, they lowered their head and rested against the tree, wanting to close their eyes again. "can i sit here?" He asked, motioning to the space beside them. When they didn't reply after awhile he sat down anyways with a heavy sigh. The two of them were silent... Until... "as an expert on naps, i can't say i think this spot does the job... i mean, the waterview is nice, and relaxing, but it takes real guts for somebody like you to.. uh..." His joke trailed off as he realized it wasn't working. On them or as a joke. There was more silence, and Sans sighed again. "paps was getting worried when you didn't show up." He told them, "and you're looking a bit blue, i mean it, your lips are sorta blue." They glanced up at him. "mind telling me what's up?"

They didn't... feel anything. He wasn't concerned about them, he was just concerned about how their Fight with Papyrus would go. He didn't have to worry about that but how could he know? He didn't remember. None of them remembered, and Frisk...

Frisk didn't care anymore.

But they _did_.

They just wanted to fade away. But they wanted...

They just wanted to win. Why could they never win?

He lifted an arm, almost like he was offering it.

"come on, kiddo, let's go somewhere to get you warmed up. you're gonna catch your death out here."

Death. Funny... Best joke yet.

But they were just so tired. They really had stayed out here too long. They should get going...

Sans was still offering his hand as everything began to slip away.

LOAD

They had to keep going.

They could keep going. As long as they kept moving.

They had to try. They had to. And because they had to, they could... They **would**.

Papyrus was standing ahead of them, turning back and forth, unable to make decisions, torn between capturing them and offering them his friendship. That was right, right now he wasn't their friend... Not yet. And after this, they would have to face Undyne with her blue spears, who wasn't their friend anymore either. Wasn't like some big, rough sister figure. She really would want to kill them.

Maybe if she took their Soul they would-

But what about Asriel? Even if that got everyone up to the surface he would still be... Still be hurt.

*He'll still be hurt anyways, even if you do get them to the surface like you used to...

*He'll still always be hurt...

They had to keep going. Past Papyrus. Past Undyne.

Then they would go play with Mettaton and Alphys, and help her out, and then they would reach Asgore and he would _die_. Then they'd come back, help Alphys and Undyne. Then they would all come. Then they would all get captured. And Frisk would... They had to find a way. They had to find a way to win!

The surface.

Saving Asriel, even if... temporary. They...

"THEN, LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN HANDLE MY FABLED 'BLUE ATTACK'!"

They stood still, letting the blue bones pass through them... They fisted their fingers tightly as they prepared for their Soul to grow heavy... Heavier at least.

They should have been prepared, but it was a complete shock.

Their Soul turned blue and crashed downward, but their eyes were wide, a gasp tearing through them as suddenly they could feel again. Everything. Everything was crushing them. The tears they hadn't shed since they had sobbed over Chara's grave returned and they were immediately unable to see anything.

They had to keep going! They had to save everyone!

They couldn't though.

The feelings were tearing through them... Being brought forcefully to the surface by the Blue of their Soul, it was forcing the thoughts to the forefront, they were unable to keep up their pitiful mantra of denials.

They couldn't save Asriel. They couldn't save everyone. They couldn't even save themself! They'd just been lying to themself. They couldn't save anyone!

The last white bone crashed into them and they couldn't breath.

They couldn't do this, they couldn't lift their Soul to dodge his attacks.

They couldn't...

They couldn't save anyone! They couldn't! They couldn't! They couldn't!

They truth was drowning them, but they...

They were on their knees, sobbing uncontrollably, not even caring that Papyrus was right across from him with their Soul exposed and ready to attack.

They couldn't do it! They couldn't anymore! They had thrown it all away! They'd lost their chance!

"H-HUMAN?" He sounded so concerned, so devestatingly scared for them...

Nobody remembered them. Nobody cared. They just had to go...

Go back to the Ruins and...

But they couldn't do that either! They would never be okay knowing that they had once been able to get everyone up to the surface and now couldn't! How could they stay when they knew that? How could they not keep trying? But it was pointless, so pointless! They were worthless. Nobody cared, nobody remembered, and no matter how badly they wanted everyone to, they couldn't afford...

They couldn't afford that. They couldn't afford to have their friends care about them enough to come help! Because Flowey would just rip it all away again, because they would lose! They would keep losing!

They couldn't save! They couldn't die! They couldn't do anything! Worthless, absolutely worthless! Endless!

*You should just.. erase it...

Frisk stopped short and their breathing was uneven as their eyes were open wide, horror racing through them.

E-Erase?

N-No... What was wrong with them? Why would they even think that? They were awful, horrible... How could they think that?!

But they'd never been good, they'd known that. They'd never, ever been good.

They just wanted to fade away... To not even be a thought. Not even a memory...

"HUMAN?!" His gloved hands were on their shoulders, but Frisk couldn't reach back.

They already were less than a memory...

Papyrus didn't even know their name.

Nobody even knew their name.

They were nothing. They were just that last Soul. They were just "the human". They...

Their Soul wasn't Blue anymore and the oppressive feelings were falling away, they were still heavy, but they just... couldn't feel anything. It was a relief... They could begin to mentally distance themself.

They couldn't care as Papyrus fussed over them. They couldn't feel a thing... They couldn't even feel guilty anymore for worrying him... None of this mattered.

None of this was **real**.

Flowey was cackling as the human Souls floated around him.

"You really are an idiot. You know that, right?"

Yeah... They knew.

The vines were tight around them, choking them, tearing at their skin as Flowey taunted them. He knew how this ended, but he was just taking pleasure in ripping them into pieces, in continuing the game. He just wanted to see them suffer.

Flowey LV 99999

**File Erased.**

_Erased_.

He'd used the LV to erase their file, they realized.

*You should just erase it...

They didn't deserve to be saved...

They lifted their head, as Flowey waited with a wide, toothy smile, waiting for them to call out... A part of them was terrified the Souls wouldn't come. That even here they would fail.

They didn't deserve to be saved...

"H-Help!" The shout barely made it past the back of their throat, tears were starting to stream down their cheeks even as they didn't feel anything... But there they were, the Souls ripped and tore everything to pieces, freeing Frisk, even as Flowey _laughed_.

He was still smiling as they stood in front of him, the knife grasped tightly between their fingers...

"Have you learned your lesson, yet?" He asked. He looked awful, but what did he care, they were about to... about to Load. The tears were still falling but they didn't feel anything... They dropped the knife and ran past Flowey, his laughter following them as they crashed through the thin barrier.

...

..

They didn't Load.

.

The duo had come down the mountain together, Sans carrying them on his back, their arms wrapped tiredly around his neck. The night had grown chilly and the sky was starting to cloud over, but the moon still shone brightly as he grew close enough to pull them through a shortcut home.

 _"But I'm not done..."_ They had protested originally, but it could wait. There was no rush. The night was growing late and their eyes were dropping, having cried themself out. They needed a good glass of water and a nights rest.

Sans pulled the covers of his bed up to their chest, and they glanced wordlessly around the room. He could see in their eyes that they were noting every dusted space, every organized section, how the bed had been made with clean sheets, even if there was the trash tornado set up in the corner... It was set up.

"it's only been two months." He reminded them, there just hadn't been enough time for it to get messy. But when they looked up at him, he could see that they felt uncertain.

"Are you okay?" They whispered.

Was **_he_ ** okay?

He sat down on the bed and grabbed their hand.

"yeah... i'm as okay as I can be." He squeezed their hand. "but tell me kiddo, are you okay?" He met their eyes.

Their lips pressed together and Sans had one thought regarding their expression: **shit**.

"f-frisk..." His other hand landed on top of their grasping fingers and he pulled them closer to his ribcage. "you have to tell me the truth, bucko... do you still-"

"Sometimes." They admitted quickly. "A... A lot of times." They added more softly, their head falling. "I... I can't help it. I'm... trying." They promised. "But sometimes I just can't stop the thoughts from coming because..." They were squeezing his hand back now, too tightly. "I still killed them, Sans... Even if I took it back, I still killed them!" Their chest was moving up and down too quickly.

"you're 'inner voice'?" He asked. To his surprise they shook their head, but there was a new expression he couldn't place as they did.

"N-No..." They were still looking down at the covers, their voice was falling back into the softest of whispered, barely there. "Sans... I have to finish." They pleaded. "I _have to_."

"frisk." Sans' tone was just as pleading as he said their name, but then it fell seriously. "you don't _have to_ do anything, understand? you don't have to tell me everything, as long as you promise to tell me, or tori, or somebody, whenever you have those thoughts. just as long as we're all okay, here. now."

"Sans-"

"no, please, frisk, listen to me right now, please..." He shifted closer towards them on the bed. "we all care about you, we love you... and that's not going away. ever. right? no more resets. it's done. you're here." His voice was trembling. "oh god frisk, you're _here_."

How? How the **_hell_**?

"you made it, you gave up but you came back, you made it... you're _here_. and you're allowed to be here, you're allowed to stay, you're allowed to-"

"Sans..." Their eyes lifted. "Please..."

They were allowed to be listened to...

"alright." He agreed softly. "alright... but frisk, you don't have to. i promise, you don't have to do anything you don't-"

"Sans... I _need_ to." They stressed. "I need to finish, please..."

There was something. Something important. Something more. Something else he didn't know yet.

Something he had once known and had forgotten.

That fact sprung up suddenly at seeing the expression on their face and he sighed once again heavily.

"o-okay..." He told them. "but... not all of it tonight, it's already almost midnight."

"I don't have school." They almost whined and Sans chuckled a bit. That had sounded so much like a kid... They were a goddamn kid...

"alright, but when i say enough, it's enough, okay? we've always got tomorrow." They nodded slowly.

"O-Okay..." They agreed.

"and about what i said, about telling me or tori, when you're having a bad time?" Their expression twisted but then they were nodding again.

"I.. I promise. I'll tell someone." They were silent a moment, their eyes showing how their thoughts were bouncing around in their head, their lips were growing thinner and they were staring right into him. "Will you?" They asked weakly. Sans' expression fell in surprise. "I'm... I'm sorry." Sans let out a soft, sad chuckle and he looked down at his slippers.

"no... no, you're right." He looked up at them and nodded. "yeah, i promise, frisk... we won't let each other fall again."

They were both here.

How the hell were they both here?

He should be dead.

They should be dead.

They both should have been...

Everything should have ended.

But here they were...

They had found a way to pull through, to not give up... Even after all of that, somehow, someway...

They'd come down a mountain nobody was said to ever come back from.


	9. Affording To Be An Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inside it's raining, it never lets up  
> I know I'm crazy..  
> Crazy enough...  
> To know that I'll...

* * *

It bloomed hot and fast in their chest; rage. Even as the rest of their body was crushed down. Even as they felt emptied of everything else. It had consumed them. Frisk had leaned up against the wired fence, their brown eyes gazing tiredly out across the street; to the shops, the cars, to the _people_.

***Humans...**

An eternity, it seemed, had passed since they had seen a fellow human being. It had almost, oh so almost, been easy to forget that they existed. A luxury, no, a necessity to forget as they focused on other things. But there they were. Just where Frisk had left them.

Everything exactly the same.

***The humans up on the surface and the monsters trapped bellow.**

It was strange. It was in their chest; the anger, resentment. Frisk could feel it. But at the same time, it was also almost like they weren't the one feeling it. Frisk felt almost as if they weren't feeling anything at all..

They'd made it down the mountain...

They really hadn't, of course. One day, they'd Reset. They just needed some time where everything wasn't repeating over and over. Some time to think... To get a grip.

*You should just give up

*You should just end it

*Erase all of it

*They don't deserve it

*The Monsters don't deserve to be stuck

*The humans don't deserve the surface

*You can't win

*You should just end it

*You should just give up

Their own mind was trying to tear them to pieces. It was incessant. It was draining Frisk of the few things they had left. They clung to their determination with a tight hand as the other tried to keep the rage at bay. It was making thinking things through properly impossible.

Frisk boxed their ears in. Pressed hard. Trying to get them to stop. As the days went on into weeks they found that it was best to imagine themself physically manhandling the thoughts. To push them down deep, with both hands, their determination forceful. To try. To ignore it.

It came back with a vengence. Ignoring it was impossible. The more they tried to ignore it the more it persisted. The more they countered, the more it insisted.

And it didn't help that... in the end... it really all was just the same again. All the same.

Time was moving forward, but still they were walking through life as if on the run, as if a Fight could spring up at any time. A stray human glance was a threat. One false step...

And they still felt so... They just felt so heavy. If the adrenaline wasn't there quickening their step it was a struggle to just move. Even as that something in their chest burned in **anger**.

Frisk didn't know what to do.

"heya. is anyone there...? well. i'll just leave a message."

"so... it's been a while. the queen returned, and is now ruling over the underground. she instated a new policy... all the humans who fall here will be treated not as enemies... but as friends."

"it's probably for the best, anyway. the human souls the king gathered.. seem to have disappeared. so, uh, that plan ain't happening any time soon."

"but even though people are heartbroken over the king... and things are looking grim for our freedom... the queen's trying her best not to let us give up hope. so, uh, hey..."

"if we're not giving up down here... don't give up wherever you are, okay?"

"who knows how long it will take... but we will get out of here."

*But they **won't**.

Frisk pressed play again and listened to Sans' voice. They clung to Papyrus' greeting in the background. At least they tried to. They tried to hold it close to their heart. But-

*You know its all pointless

*You see that this isn't fair.

*Humanity.

*Why should they get to have everything?

The darkest of Frisk's thoughts bubbled up alongside the anger. It really _wasn't_ fair. But what could Frisk do about it anymore? They couldn't get the monsters up to the surface anymore... They'd...

*...

They'd failed...

*Even if you had gotten them up to the surface

*What would you have done next?

Frisk paused, uncertain with the phone still in their hands as it played.

"who knows how long it will take... but we will get out of here."

What would they have done with everyone on the surface? They'd... They'd just go live their life with everyone. They'd-

The anger surged in Frisk's chest and they bit down hard.

* **Humans**.

*They would have never let it go peacefully

Frisk shoved the anger as far away from them as they could, but it still lingered, there in the center of their chest. They pressed play on the phone again, listening to Sans' message drone as they sat in the cold rain, sniffling. They've listened to it so many times. Sans' voice, his encouragement, not giving up. But... They don't need the inner voice to tell them that Sans doesn't actually believe in them.

Though it still does:

*He doesn't mean a word he's saying

And Papyrus' voice is so far away...

They're so far away...

It's been a month. A month since they had left the mountain and hadn't Loaded. And it was slowly wearing away at what was left of them. Everything. They could feel their determination corroding between their fingers. They could barely bring themself to argue with themself anymore.

*You should just erase it

*There is nothing left other than to get rid of it all

*Get rid of all the mistakes

*All the loses

*To just disappear...

They just have to keep going. To just go.

But something inside them was just so _angry_. It could never settle down as they walk around with the hood of the wind breaker they had found up over their head and hiding their face, the sleeves rolled up a bit. There was just something so full of rage as they slid into the gas station behind the family with three kids, all of them complaining their legs hurt from sitting all day in the car, just wanting to get home already. Home... Home on the surface. Something the Monsters could never have. Because they were trapped. Because humanity had trapped them. It wasn't fair! It just wasn't!

Frisk's hand had just touched the bag of chips when they shook their head to chase the thoughts away. They slipped the package carefully into the phone inventory, glancing towards the cashier who was focusing on the old man paying for gas, fumbling with the bills. They began to lift their hand for a second flavor while they could. A hand slapped violently onto their forearm-

_Vines wrapped around their arm. Hands wrapped tightly around their arm._

Frisk was gasping, trying to twist frantically away, their eyes wide with panic.

"Just what are you doing there?" Frisk looked up at the woman snarling down at them. It wasn't the mother they had followed in. This woman was tall and lanky and towered over them, hunched over like a vulture. With very bad teeth. One was sticking out in front of all the others as she held tight to Frisk with thin, bony fingers. Her fingers were too tight, like a vice, and she yanked Frisk closer. "I saw you take that other bag too!" She basically spat.

***Nasty, just like the rest of them...**

"You kids!" She jerked hard on Frisk's arm, and they let out a shaky breath. "Taking everything that doesn't belong to you."

"L-let..." Frisk tried to stutter, tried to pull their arm away, their other hand grasping the phone as tightly as possible. They couldn't call for help... They had been caught left handed and nobody would help them...

***One mistake and they tear you to pieces.**

It hurt, her grip hurt, let go! But they couldn't reopen their mouth to protest. They pulled back, but the woman moved to get a better grip. Their heart was racing. Too tight. It hurt! Their heart was racing...

"Hey!" The woman called towards the cashier.

*You won't find **Mercy** here, Frisk, not with them...

Fight or Flight- Fight-

*Nor do they deserve any in return.

Their thumb moved over the phone and pressed a familiar button.

Yellow.

Their Soul wasn't summoned of course, but as they held the device against the woman's fingers, it let out just enough of a charge to get exactly what they needed. The woman shouted out, releasing them in an attempt to get away from them and the biting pain, and Frisk was darting out of the station like a bullet. To get away. To get out. To just go. To just-!

But just like with taking the food, they weren't paying enough attention. And they had even let themself feel a moment of relief too, that they had been in the clear. That nobody had started to follow them just yet. But the problem was they had been looking at the station, and not ahead to where they were going.

Looking back instead of forward... Maybe they should have learned something from that.

There was the sound of tires screeching and Frisk only had time to whip their head towards the sound but not to gasp.

 ** _Pain_**.

The phone clattered against the asphalt somewhere beside them as everything quickly began fading away...

"heya. is anyone there...?" Frisk had felt the slightest prick of sadness where before they usually felt nothing. "well. i'll just leave a message."

 _I just want to go home...,_ their dying mind had slipped as it turned black. They were certain that they would wake up on a grave of flowers...

...

..

.

Except they didn't.

.

..

...

Frisk's eyes had opened slowly, barely... Everything hurt and the world was swirling around them. The light was too white, and too bright, but uneven. It was like standing before The Barrier, their vision unable to focus. They could hear muffled voices in the distance but couldn't make out the words. A beeping sounded nearby. They felt nauseous as their brain registered the smell. Not the smell of flowers, but something almost as bad. Almost, but not quite. That hospital smell.

There were tears immediately in Frisk's eyes that had nothing to do with the pain in their body, nor... the emotions in their heart. For they felt nothing. They were empty. The tears worked down their cheeks vacantly as they stared up at the white, blurred ceiling and their ears continued to ring.

Empty.

Empty except for the anger that lay heavily beside them.

But Frisk _felt_ nothing. Separated from everything around them. Even their own emotions.

But still the tears came, their body knowing that they should be crying. And Frisk kept crying soundlessly as their throat clamped shut tightly, choking them.

They had nothing. They were nothing.

"just give up, i did..."

"don't give up wherever you are, okay?"

They were just so... alone.

Alone and small and hurt on a hospital bed.

***You've been here before**

It was pointed and harsh.

*You should just-

It was fading now too, weighted down. As weighted down as Frisk. For the first time in a long time the anger dissapated and there truly was, nothing.

*You should just end it.

Silence.

For several long minutes they stayed there in absolute internal silence.

They want to die.

They just want to die.

They can't die...

To end it they'd have to...

They'd... No.

They can't do that... Even if they don't want to keep on going, they also didn't want to...

_"Will you kill out of frustration?"_

No.

*You can't win...

*If you can't win then you should just quit.

But to quit...

No.

They couldn't move their body, it was agonizing, but they knew how to fix that. Even if they couldn't fix everything else.

They were no longer in the hospital bed, the pain seeping out of their muscles as the smell of antiseptics and disinfectant was replaced by the smell they hated most. The scent was everywhere.

*You should just end it...

But the answer was still _no_.

The anger resparked.

***It's never going to change**

They had to keep going... Go through everything.

But they couldn't even be excited seeing Toriel again... Not when she couldn't be just as excited. Not for the same reasons. Again, nobody cared... And Frisk... Frisk found that they still couldn't bring themself to play along.

It was during their hangout with Papyrus, offering him their widest smile even though they felt nothing.

"NYEH! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY SECRET STYLE?" They had lifted a thumb hoping to seem enthusiastic.

"I love it." They had managed softly. Their voice felt weird. Foreign almost even though they had forced themself to use it earlier this timeline too. Papyrus' face had fallen.

"NO! A GENUINE COMPLIMENT...!"

Their smile had lingered but his words had stabbed through them... _Genuine_. They hadn't been genuine in timelines. Resets and resets ago. They... They just can't do this. They finished the hangout, but if they had felt weighted down before now they felt like the entire world was crushing them. Why? Why did all of this have to be so hard?

_"just give up, i did."_

"you didn't gain LV but you've gained love? does that make sense?"

No. It didn't. Sans didn't care, not really... Nobody cared... Not really. That... That wasn't fair! Frisk could remember everything! They had cared so much! And the others couldn't even remember. Couldn't even know! Couldn't even understand how much they'd...

The anger in their chest was rising, filling them as they gritted their teeth and glared at Sans on the other side of Judgment Hall. So distant from them, physically and emotionally.

"i believe you can do the right thing."

He didn't believe a word. He meant none of it!

*He thinks he's such a **comedian**.

_"besides... haven't i done a great job protecting you?"_

*This is all just some big **joke** to him, isn't it?

They had to shake their head and lift their hands to their face after he had left them. They had to calm down again... To push the anger down. They'd been an idiot to entertain it for even a moment. To agree. They had to push it _down_. And they did. It drained out of them and they were empty again.

They were dying again. Being torn to pieces again. The vines-

Flowey LV 99999

**File Erased.**

_Erased_.

Erase...

"Call!" Flowey ordered. "Call for help! One day, nobody will come, like your friends have stopped coming! Call!"

Frisk could barely speak, they could barely raise their head, they could barely...

"H-help..." Their voice cracked, barely a faint whisper. They had barely managed even that.

The Souls came anyways... And as Flowey was torn apart he cackled. Knowing, just knowing, that if they were to come back here again, they really wouldn't find help, would they? They wouldn't be able to call.

This really was all pointless...

"I won't ever stop!" He boasted, even while planted miserably in front of them. "Not until you do things the _right_ way. Not until you make me stop! But you can't, can you?" He goaded. "You're too stupid to even put yourself out of your own misery!"

_"just give up, i did."_

Their grip was tight around the hilt of the knife. Too tight. It scared them. The anger in their chest scared them. The _hatred_ in their chest... They dropped the knife frantically and went running.

"You already know the truth!" Flowey called after them. "It's kill or be killed!"

***And you can't die.**

***Give up, Frisk...**

***Just _stop_**!

They stood there alone... On the side of the mountain, looking towards the buildings in the distance in the light of the setting sun. The anger was running through them, Frisk too exhausted to fight it.

It wasn't fair!

It wasn't! It wasn't! It wasn't!

The Monsters would never be up here with them ever again! Asriel would never be saved! **And it was humanity's fault**.

N-No... No. Frisk was shaking their head, their eyes closed tightly, breathing in and out unevenly. They felt funny. A funny stretching sensation in their chest.

It was Frisk's fault... Frisk had kept going and ruined it all. But they just... They just wanted to give the Monster's the surface! The sun! **But humanity wouldn't let them stay up here safely either and they knew it!**

Frisk was gritting their teeth, tears in their eyes as their chest continued to ache, continued to try and pull itself apart.

They should just give up! Give up! Give up, Frisk!

N-No! No! They couldn't! They didn't want to give up! They just wanted to win! They just wanted to-

They were shoving the anger down forcefully, opening their eyes and realizing somehow they had fallen to their knees as they struggled to breathe properly.

It faded... It all faded, but the inner voice was still there. Not letting them ignore it. Not letting them forget how much they **_hated humani_** -

Hated how much the Monsters would never see the surface again. Hated how much they'd failed everyone they'd ever cared about-

 _"_ if we're not giving up down here... don't give up wherever you are, okay?"

It was all the same... Except this time Papyrus was there to tell them about how broken Undyne was. How she hated working at Sans' hot dog stand. How she wanted to come "beat up" Frisk... How she didn't care about them. How it was all pointless...

Frisk had wanted to give all of them the sun...

 _Eight_.

Eight homes...

They sat on the bed, the phone in their hand as they held it next to the pillow, ready to hide it away if anybody came by. Sans and Papyrus' voice saying the same things over and over.

"if we're not giving up down here... don't give up wherever you are, okay?"

_"just give up, i did."_

"TO BE HONEST, I THINK IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. BUT I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE IT'S NOT!"

*But it is all impossible.

Eight homes... Mrs. Garner would be around to check up on them every week, to keep better tabs on them after their disappearance. A problem child... They'd always been a problem child. They'd always been getting into trouble with the other kids, with the foster parents... Frisk just wasn't one to keep their nose and fingers out of things. But this definitely "took the cake" in the things that they had done.

They'd never been a good child... Too curious for their own good.

But now they didn't even have curiosity. They just felt empty. Voiceless and empty. Their last call for help had been spent... They were so tired. Tired of being pushed around and having others decided their fate. Eight homes. So many forced Resets... They were tired of it all being pointless. Tired... They just... They just wanted to fade away. They just wanted to... to give up.

_"just give up, i did."_

But to give up, to find a way to fade away, to find away to _erase_...

They'd never been a good child.

Their heart was racing against their chest, everything else felt weighted down but their heart was racing, begging them not to think like this. But they were. They couldn't help it.

*Just give up.

Their inner voice, something Mrs. Garner had told them was called 'intrusive thoughts' when they had asked, was just as insistent as usual. And now they knew for certain that it was something out of their control, something to ignore when it went bad. But they had been trying. Not that they had explained to Mrs. Garner that they had had anything to ignore. They had barely managed to ask the original question, in the vaguest way possible. It was just something that was bugging them, about how it didn't go away even when they left the underground, even when time passed. But they guessed it really was a part of them...

A part of them that... was right.

Their heart was racing, the anger was still in their chest but it was being drowned out by Frisk's panic. By Frisk's fear. They leaned up against the wall, the phone in their hands as they stared at it. Their fingers anxious as they listened to Sans and Papyrus.

But that was pointless... There was just one thing left to do.

But they... They didn't want to kill. They didn't want to! Wasn't this...? Wasn't this the best answer? Them up on the surface and time moving forward. Everything the same as it was before they climbed the mountain.

*Everything's _worse_ now. For everyone.

*Just give up, Frisk...

_"just give up, i did."_

Sans...

"if we're not giving up down here... don't give up wherever you are, okay?"

*He doesn't **mean** any of it

They stared at the phone...

Their fingers began to press into the buttons, locating Sans' number just underneath Papyrus' and just above Toriel's.

*What are you doing?

What were they doing?

*Ring... Ring...

They had the phone pressed against their ear, their heart racing uncertainly...

"heyya, kiddo, how's the surface?" Sans' voice answered jovially, as if they hadn't been phone silent for weeks. "pap is around here somewhere if you want-"

"Sans..." Their voice was weak, they'd barely managed it, but they...

"sup?" Sans replied, but there was a tense moment. "you okay?" The answer was surprisingly simple, but as they opened their mouth they felt so heavy still.

"No."

"uh..." They could tell he didn't know what to say for a moment, and neither did they. They were not okay. They really were not okay. And they... They just- "well, don't give up there, kiddo, i mean, we aren't down here!" He sounded light-hearted, but it sounded so fake. Such a performance.

_"just give up, i did."_

But to give up...

"Sans?" They began again, forcing themself to speak... They had to speak.

"kid?" Sans echoed back.

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

"Did I do the right thing?" They pleaded. They had to know! This had to be the right thing! All he had to do was tell them that this was the right thing ! But... "Asgore's still dead even if I didn't kill him. The Souls are gone. You're all trapped."

And it was all Frisk's fault.

"we're making due." Sans encouraged. The anger consumed them, choking them, their chest feeling tight; something they were now so use to.

 **"You shouldn't have to. It isn't _fair_." ** And it wasn't! It wasn't fair! But the anger was falling back again... They were curling in on themself against the wall... It wasn't fair...

"heh." Sans chuckled lightly after a moment. "glad to know you care..."

Care...? Frisk just felt... So tired. So angry. So worn out. They couldn't feel anything most of the time. But did they care? They must have cared even then. Because if they hadn't this would have been a lot easier of a decision. But... Maybe it wasn't as simple as that. Because even if they cared, they felt like they'd still... They were...

"I... Sans..." They didn't want to. They didn't want to do this, but what other choice did they have to stop? To just... fade?

There were tears building up in their eyes.

*Just give up, Frisk

"look, kid..." Sans was sighing on the other end. "i don't know what the right thing to do was, but it's behind us now."

Behind them. _Behind_ them. But when they woke up in a grave of flowers..? Surrounded by that awful smell? It would all be ahead of them again. He just didn't understand. Not fully. He couldn't. They let out a few sniffles as they lifted a sleeve to their nose and wiped.

"kid, what's wrong? don't leave me in the dark here." They laughed. They laughed at the absurdity of it all. But the tears wouldn't stop. It hurt. For the first time in awhile it truly hurt.

"That's just it." They admitted. "I wanted to show you the sun again. And stay there!" They declared. "I wanted you to use that telescope for something other than a joke!"

They had wanted to save everyone, even Asriel.

"k-kid.."

They had wanted so many things! So many! And of course they had ruined all of it. Of course they had been so close and then lost it all. That was just how it worked with them. Nothing ever stuck. Nothing ever... They'd just wanted... To make everyone happy. Then they'd be happy... They'd...

"I wanted... I..." They were breaking apart, on the verge of sobbing, but barely keeping it under control as they whispered. "I wanted your smile to be real..."

They'd wanted _everything_ to be real...

"kid, i... have we been to the surface?" They let out another small sob. Nobody knew. Nobody understood. Nobody remembered or cared and-

"It doesn't matter." They sobbed. It didn't matter. None of it. Nobody cared and it didn't matter.

"it matters a lot, actually!" Sans shouted, and they covered their eyes with their hands. They wanted to hide. But they couldn't hide from their own thoughts. From his angry voice either. "kid!" But his anger met their own as it rose up in their chest. Backed up by the frustration Frisk was feeling.

 **"It. Doesn't. Matter!"** They declared, their hand falling from their eyes as they grew more tense and glared at the door of the room with blurry eyes. "It doesn't..." Their strength broke and they slumped against the wall again weakly. It didn't matter.

*Why did you even call?

Why...?

"I called because..."

.

"Maybe... a part of me wanted to still call for help. A part of me wanted... I still didn't want to hurt anyone... But in the end I did. I hurt everyone! And I knew I was going to. I just..."

.

"I called to say... I'm sorry..."

They were scared... They were so scared... Their heart was racing against their chest.

"kid?" Sans warned.

"I wanted to say 'I'm sorry' while somebody'd still listen."

Sorry they had messed everything up. Sorry that they had taken it all away and now couldn't give it back, they just... Couldn't keep doing this forever. Couldn't do this at all... They couldn't get Monsters to surface anymore, couldn't save... All they could do was-

But Frisk was so _scared_ -

"kid! wait!"

Their fingers were tense around the phone and their eyes were squeezed shut as they began to smell yellow flowers, as they began to fall backwards.

"don't do anything st-"

Stupid.

Stupid!

So stupid...

Their eyes opened, staring at the gaping hole above them that threatened to crash down and devour them like they deserved.

They'd been so stupid. This entire time. Thinking that they could make a difference. That they could save anything. That they could even save themself...

They really _were_ an idiot.

*You should get going...

They should get going...

They rose and walked heavily into the other room where Flowey was smiling victoriously.

"Ready for another round?" He taunted.

It was the last round. The very last round...

Frisk's eyes were already dead... Not affording to think about what they were doing, but just to do it. To not feel.

The dust cloud was chocking them, their stick still where the Froggit had been, they felt the power flooding through them even as they continued to stare blankly.

They just had to keep going. To keep moving. And then finally...

*You've won!

*Your EXP increased!

They were really going to be free.

.

Frisk was crying again, their face in Sans' pillow as he kept their hand in one of his as the other stroked their back gently.

"I'm an idiot. I'm the biggest idiot." They cried. "And I killed them all! All of them! Toriel! Papyrus! Undyne! Mettaton! I killed them, Sans!"

"shh..." He tried, but he was cringing.

"I killed them and I didn't even feel a thing! Not a single thing! I-!"

"frisk!" Sans called. They stopped talking but they didn't lift their head out of the pillow. The two of them stayed in silence for awhile, with only the sound of Frisk breathing in and out, trying to get ahold of themselves. "frisk, let's stop for tonight..."

"N-No." They whimpered. "No."

"yes, we're-"

"Please, a bit more, just a bit more..." They begged, forcing themself to lift their head. "Just let me get through a bit more. To get it out of the way. Please." Their eyes were just so full of tears, scared but earnest. Sans sighed heavily and he looked back at his slippers. Already regretting it.

"alright..."

They sniffed and they pulled their hand out of his to wipe at their face. But their eyes closed and they pressed a palm to one of their eyes as they cringed.

"I really was an idiot..."


	10. Not Affording To Care

"Howdy, Chara!"

It was the brightest and truest smile they had even seen from the flower in any timeline and it contrasted so effectively with their own. Their face had twisted into a wide smile a long time ago, sometime after P-... During their fight with Undyne. It had grown wider and wider, hurting Frisk's cheeks, but still they smiled endlessly. Even as their eyes stared blankly. Because somebody had finally gotten it. Truly gotten it. That if they got to Asgore, to where they needed to get to, they could finally end it. Her words had only confirmed that Frisk could succeed. To disappear, but-

"You finally made it home!" He declared as if it were true.

Home...

Eight, no... Seven homes now, again... Seven... No... Not even that. It was six. _Six_ homes. Because this, here, had never truly been their home. They had never found a way to make it theirs, how to keep it fully within their grasp. Because even when they had had it, they had let it go. For him... So willingly for him. And then they had failed him. They had failed everyone. Everyone they had ever cared about. That thought would have made tears build up in the back of their eyes, once. But at the moment... they felt nothing. They were nothing.

They had been nothing for a really long time...

Nothing but emptiness and adjacent rage for a really long time...

The LV had built up, it cut them off from their own feelings, it let them grow distant. Even more distant than they had originally been. It turned the ditch between them and everyone else into a giant gorge. A gorge that nobody could reach out and cross over. Not even P-

"Remember when we used to play here?" Flowey asked, before he laughed, his face morphed grotesquely as Frisk continued to stare blankly. "Today's gonna be just as fun."

Frisk took the first key but then idly walked forward, to the bedroom. The locket was in its usual spot, but somehow it seemed different. No longer just the "Heart Locket", but _The_ Locket, the only locket... As they picked it up, they could feel it beating... They slipped it around their neck and took a strangely deep breath.

***Right where it belongs**

They stood there a moment before turning towards where they knew the knife would be, waiting for them, perfectly giftwrapped.

***Here we are!**

Frisk's fingers were wrapped around the real knife tightly...

***About time.**

Their mind trailed to the first time Frisk had been here... They had opened the boxes knowing that they were technically not theirs, but... It had felt like it. It had felt like it even then that opening the boxes were not wrong. Even their inner voice had been in on the action. And now, it seemed, that it had known all along this was where it would end. That Frisk would one day come to this... Of course it would have... It had been foolish to think otherwise. Kill or be killed, after all...

Frisk found their gaze shifting towards the bed, the anger stirring as they slipped out of the room again and into the hallway. Flowey, Asriel, was still waiting for them. Always waiting for them... And he watched them stand in front of the mirror. The smile still there and their eyes deadened.

***It's me, Chara.**

Frisk felt nothing... No alarm, nothing at how distinctly their inner voice was speaking... Because at that point it didn't matter. Because at this point Frisk's other thoughts had dwindled down to nothing. To just keep moving. All they needed was their inner voice. All they needed was their determination.

And maybe, in the end, they really were Chara... They surely did not feel like themself.

Being Frisk had only been a dream. A twisted, awful dream... And dreams could be so easily forgotten upon waking up. Maybe, they had finally woken up. Truly woken up. Slowly, surely, as they had killed.

And something else had grown inside them, too. Something dark. The anger that had always been there was now a physical band of dark red energy around their Soul whenever it was summoned. The LOVE, Frisk supposed. It would squeeze at times, giving Frisk the intent they needed to finish the job. Because killing needed intent... And Frisk... They had nothing. Nothing except the desire to fade away... And this was their means to their end. All of their ends.

"Chara?" Flowey called. Frisk turned away from the mirror and the locket hit against their chest as their fingers squeezed around the knife once more. His smile was apprehensive but hopeful... They had to get going. It was almost over. They just had to get the other key... And then...

Flowey stopped them once again and they stared down at him blankly, though the vague sense of impatience stirred within the anger...

"I remember when I first woke up here, in the garden." He told them, no longer smiling. "I was so scared... I couldn't feel my arms or my legs... My entire body had turned into a flower!" He looked pitiful. "Mom! Dad! Somebody help me!' I called out." His face was morphing again. "But nobody came."

_"But nobody came."_

And nobody ever would...

The anger squeezed, tense in Frisk's chest, as Frisk continued to walk, to ignore him. He was stirring up feelings, and they could not afford that. They had to not care. They had come too far for this... And...

"Eventually, the king found me, crying in the garden. I explained what had happened to him. Then he held me, Chara. He held me with tears in his eyes, saying... 'There, there. Everything is going to be alright.' He was so... Emotional."

Frisk didn't want to hear this...

"But... For some reason... I didn't feel anything at all." Frisk's smile was twisting into a cringe and both the anger and something else stirred in Frisk's chest. They stormed forward... And once they had the key from the kitchen they walked a bit too quickly for Flowey to keep up properly, but when they stopped to unlock the chain-

***(I unlocked the chain)**

He was already on the other side, waiting for them almost excitedly.

"I soon realized I didn't feel ANYTHING about ANYONE." He declared, and the feelings in Frisk's chest were growing. He just needed to **shut up**. "My compassion had disappeared!"

_"Y... you... really hate me that much?"_

_"You'll destroy them all, won't you?_ _Monsters... Humans... Everyone..._ _Everyone's hopes. Everyone's dreams. Vanquished in an instant._ "

Frisk shoved the memories away from them as fast as they could. They had successfully blocked them this entire time, they would not feel it. He needed to shut up!

"And believe me, it's not like I wasn't trying. I wasted weeks with that stupid king, vainly hoping I would feel something."

Frisk... They had tried so hard. Going through timeline after timeline... Even after they had stopped feeling, just like Flowey, trying... Vainly...

"But it became too much for me."

But it had become too much for them...

"I ran away from home."

Frisk had run too. Had tried to stay away, even accepting another home, to just let it be, because...

"Eventually, I reached the Ruins. Inside I found HER, Chara."

_"Now I see who I was protecting by keeping you there. Not you... But them!"_

Because Frisk had known... Had known that if they gave up, if they'd gone back, what they'd do... What they have now done. Stop. They had to stop thinking about it. Stop.

"I thought of all people, SHE could make me feel whole again."

If Frisk had just stayed in the Ruins that first time... If she just hadn't killed them!

"... She failed."

Frisk'd failed...

"Ha ha."

Frisk stormed ahead, but he was already dipping under the surface and racing ahead of them. He popped up and-

"I realized those two were useless."

Calling out for help was useless...

"I became despondent."

Frisk had...

"I just wanted to love someone."

Frisk froze solid, the sensations erupting in their chest. It was difficult to breath.

"I just wanted to care about someone."

_"somebody really cares about you."_

_"I'm not really to say goodbye to somebody like you again."_

Shut up! Shut up! **Shut up!**

"Chara, you might not believe this... But I decided... It wasn't worth living anymore."

It was crushing their soul, this story that resonated like their own, this story that... Stop. Stop it. They could _not afford to feel_.

"Not in a world without love."

In a world nobody would remember them...

"Not in a world without you."

***SHUT UP!**

**SHUT UP!**

He was smiling, but it was a grimace, like Frisk's... But his eyes. They were so honest right now. As Frisk's began to brim red with anger... As Frisk tried to retreat mentally. To get away from the _feelings_ he was pulling up. Their chest, it was feeling funny again. This entire timeline they hadn't felt like this, this division in themself. It had to stop, they had to stop it. Or else they could lose everything.

"So... I decided to follow in your footsteps."

Somehow... Frisk couldn't really hear him properly... Somehow... The distance... was making it difficult. The anger was pressing though, ahead of them, as Frisk's conscious began to slip backwards...

Frisk suddenly pushed forward, nearly jogging, but he stopped them again.

"I started to feel apprehensive..." He began and Frisk just wanted him to SHUT. UP. They couldn't afford to think like that! They couldn't! His voice began to fade again. They saw his face move, morph, shift... but they couldn't hear him anymore. They simply walked, as he came along with them... They felt nothing but the anger was still there. The anger was growing inside them but also beside them. Around their Soul but not in it. Frisk was moving but everything felt distant... Everything felt...

"I never could predict YOU, Chara." Asriel told them as Frisk mentally seeped more forward, unfortunately. It teetered in and out.

"Chara, your DETERMINATION..."

_"Your determination will be your downfall."_

"I'm so tired of this, Chara."

Frisk was so tired...

"Chara. There is just one thing left I want to do."

"Let's finish what we started. Let's free everyone."

_They were really going to be free..._

"That despite it all... This world is still kill or be killed!"

Kill of be killed... That first thing he had ever told them, truly told them... but something else pricked at the back of their mind.

_"Don't kill and don't be killed."_

They just wanted to die...

"Chara... I think if you're around... Just living in the surface world doesn't seem so bad."

But they had wanted to give them all the sun...

***But you can't!**

But they can't...

"Chara. I said it before. Even after all this time... You're still the only one that understands me."

They were staring at him... He... He was the only one that understood _them_. How it felt to not feel anything good at all. How it felt to just want it to end. To stop.

"You won't give me any worthless pity."

Pity... No... Not pity... Their regret. Their despair. Their misery. Their failed hope. Their wilting determination. But even he... Even _he_ could not fully understand it all. Because he could still dream of the surface. He could still dare to hope that in all of this, somehow, there was a happy ending for either of them. It was choking them. The feelings were choking them. **He just had to stop talking.**

"Creatures like us... We wouldn't hesitate to KILL each other if we got in each other's way."

He was... He was in their way... He was dragging up feelings they couldn't afford to feel. They couldn't afford this. They had to not care. They had to not care! They were stepping half way closer to him, their teeth clenched tightly. **He had to stop talking.**

"So that's... So... that's... Why..." He could see something change in their expression, something red flashing in their eyes perhaps. They would never know for sure, but his fearful expression was forever etched into their mind. Fearful of them. But luckily forever would not be very long.

**He had to stop _talking_.**

"...ha... Ha... what's this... feeling?"

_"What's this feeling... What's happening to me?"_

What was this feeling? Their grip on their knife. They knew this feeling... This intent... And for once it was both the anger and Frisk as one, as they took another step forward... Their eyes sparking...

"Why am I... shaking?" He asked. "...Hey... Chara... No hard feelings about back then, right?... H-Hey, what are you doing?!" They were reaching out for him, wanting to grab his stem and make him stop. Make him stop shaking. Make them stop caring that he was shaking!

"B... Back off! I... I've changed my mind about all of this." Frisk wanted to change their mind. They couldn't afford to change their mind. They had to- "This isn't a good idea anymore."

_"Chara... Please... Wake up... I don't like this plan anymore. I... I.."_

He was trying to move away from them, away from their reach. Like all the times when he had gathered the Souls, of everyone, when they had reached out their hand and cried out his name. But this time they were not trying to SAVE him. Not in that way... Not in the way they had wanted. Now they would SAVE him in the only way they could. They would erase their greatest mistake-

"Y-You should go back, Chara."

_"Please do not come back."_

They would not go back. They couldn't. Not to when it truly mattered. When they could fix _this_. Fix him.

"This place is fine the way it is!"

He would never be SAVED, he would never...

He had to disappear.

He was the only thing that could make both sides of them still care.

"S-s-stop making that creepy face!"

_"Do your creepy face! AHHHHH! Hee hee hee!"_

"This isn't funny!"

The knife... It was perfect for cutting plants and vines. But he was slipping away from them, trying to disappear into the ground, and they knew they wouldn't catch him.

_"I should have laughed it off, like you did..."_

"You've got a SICK sense of humor!"

A laugh escaped their chest.

At the absurdity of it all...

Once he was gone they collapsed onto their knees, they continued to laugh. Here they were. Here they were... Just a little ways from the end... Just a little ways... They had to keep going... They had too... Their laughter began to dwindle, and with it the emotions were seeping out of them again... The knife was clasped tightly between their fingers...

They slipped out into Judgment Hall and the door slammed shut behind them, the sound reinforcing the finality of it all... This time... They really would not come back.

Their hand raised to the SAVE Star.

It's cold, as always. Cold and dead and uncaring...

Just like Frisk...

And nothing would get in their way. As long as they were not distracted. As long as they did not hesitate... They would be free... They would be free of everything... They would let nothing change that. They would not let anything change that. Not even Asriel. And if Asriel, the only one who came even close to understanding wouldn't do it, then that was it...

***There's nothing left in our way...**

**...**

..

.

They just hadn't counted on Sans...


	11. Affording To Fall

Their hand fell away from the SAVE Star and they walked forward. There was no point in lingering there... The forest of pillars cast long shadows through the golden light and they were forced to stop before the shadowy figure ahead of them... Just like usual though they allowed a part of themself to be surprised by it.

They had given up trying to catch glimpses of him. A part of them hadn't expected him to be here. At first a small part of them that could still feel had been filled with dread when they had left Snowdin behind. But he had never shown up to confront them. After Shyren, where they thought they may have caught a glance of him in the shadows, they had began to feel nothing about the situation just like everything else. He had stayed away... Only now did he appear. And this time, Frisk was certain they would not be given the usual spiel about LV and EXP... They knew all about those things now. Once, they had stood here listening to him, and those concepts had seemed so far away to them, so foreign and terrifying. Now, though... They had truly gained LOVE instead of... They would not be judged for they had already been judged. They could see it in his smile. His smile that, despite it all, was still there on his face. His expression was one that... they weren't sure they wanted to describe so they didn't. They looked past it, unmoved. But they did note the darkness... The darkness of his expression full of loathing.

***But loathing at who, exactly?**

***You?**

***Or himself?**

Their eyes trailed down his face and onto Pa- the red scarf... They had watched it fly away in the mournful wind, the dust and snow flying off with it. Frisk had thought, finally, he had listened to their internal plea. He had fled. _Finally_... But somehow it hadn't occurred to them that in the end, he had only been going to find his brother, concerned. Because he hadn't expected to die... He hadn't expected... He'd trusted them... He'd... And even afterwards, even after he had been more than half dust-

Successfully they pushed the thoughts away again, just like every other time... They simply focused on the goal ahead. To get to the end, to get to Asgore.

Currently, to get past Sans and the red scarf.

The LOVE, they were full to the brim with it, almost to 20. And with that, that and their lingering determination, they kept upright, smiling maliciously, showing their hatred even as their gaze stared dead. The contradiction, they were so very aware of it, they could feel it in their Soul... The want to SAVE. The want to ERASE. The want to end... To want to... give up.

They were finally here. They were finally listening to Sans' advice. His true advice, the advice he actually believed in for himself and not just some hollow, meaningless words. They would win. They had already won. Because no matter what words he threw at them now, Frisk knew the truth. Frisk knew all of it. Frisk knew how he truly felt... His lies would not move them...

They stared through him, not wanting to see his smile. His fake smile. It had always been fake, hadn't it?

"heya, so... you've been busy, huh?" His low voice was expected, but it still produced images of Monsters falling to dust around them. They lowered their chin a bit, their smile just as fake as his own. "so, i've got a question for ya." He began again, and Frisk knew they would not answer, and perhaps he did too.

They hadn't said an entire word this entire timeline... Their voice had abandoned them completely just like their emotions other than anger and hate. All they had left was the occasional uproarious laugh, rocking through them like it had earlier with Flowey.

"do you think even the worse person can change...? that everyone can be a good person, if they try?"

Somehow, the words had a slightly surprising effect. It pulled on something it shouldn't have, and Frisk's mind clung to it, the slight pull in their chest, the faint echo of a Load or Reset, the pull of their power. The anger squashed it and Frisk let it slip away, not willing to entertain the thoughts. They were here. There was only one thing left to do. They looked down at their feet. The words were worthless... They had tried. They had tried everything. That was the point.

_"just give up, i did."_

It was time to give up...

"all right." Sans continued, as if he could read what they were thinking. "well, here's a better question. **do you really wanna have a bad time?** "

Their gaze drifted upwards again, their stance becoming slightly more defensive, determined, though not exactly... Just... They had to keep going.

"cause it you take another step forward... you are REALLY not gonna like what happens next."

They would get past whatever he sent their way... Eventually. Most definitely less than 30, less than Undyne. They were almost there. It was almost done. Just a few more. Just a few more kills. _So close_.

They took a step forward, just wanting to get it over with.

"welp." Sans shrugged, as if it was a casual game. "sorry old lady, this is why i don't make promises." Frisk gritted their teeth together, unmoved by his mention of Toriel. If anything-

***As if he ever KEPT that promise to begin with**

"It's a beautiful day outside. birds are singing, flowers are blooming..."

_"You know what we must do."_

"on days like these, kids like you..." Frisk was running out ahead, their knife out to the side offensively, prepared for the first move... But Sans' left eye was blazing to life like fire, and his hand shot out ahead of him. A set of large, skull-like creatures formed behind him and Frisk's eyes widened in actual shock. **_"should be burning in hell."_**

They didn't even cry out as the blazing heat scorched them repeatedly.

Their Soul shattered before they even hit the ground.

They forced themself back into place, the anger engulfing them as they stood next to the SAVE Star.

***That cheating asshole!**

They knew they had no room to talk about that, only having to win once, being able to try and try again. But still, they let the anger move through them unimpeded as they twisted back towards the center of the hall and moved quickly into place, their teeth snarled. They would listen to his questions and then head back to the Star this time before stepping forward. That would save some time- But he wasn't asking them questions, he was looking them over smugly.

"heya. you look frustrated about something. guess i'm pretty good at my job, huh?"

_"hmm. you look bored."_ He had once said. _"huh. have something to tell me?"_

_"I'm a stupid doodoo butt."_ They had once told him, having been told it was a secret codeword. _"I'm the ultimate fartmaster."_ They had said another time.

They had always wondered how much he... But it hadn't mattered. He didn't know enough... Couldn't understand... They just hadn't thought about him in time, and it didn't matter.

Now it was just convenient...

They rushed forward again, this time getting farther into his stolen opening attack than before, but still falling to the floor. Dead. The bones were easy to dodge, they were used to those, it was the beams of energy that were getting them.

"all right. how 'bout we make it a third?"

Ugh! If he just played fair! If only they had the first turn! It would be over before it even started!

"hmm. that expression..."

***That expression. That expression. Always like he knows everything. Like he gets it...**

***Just a joke. Just a big joke!**

**They hated him, they genuinely hated him!**

Frisk shook their head slightly, trying to focus a bit more, but the anger was unmoving.

"that's the expression of someone who's died quice in a row." He seemed to think it over, unsatisfied. "quice? trice?" He shrugged. "welp, won't have to use it again anyways."

They were just so angry! And they slipped up, they died earlier this time. They couldn't afford that. They couldn't afford to lose ground and not gain it. They had to get to their turn! They felt the anger finally recede, just a bit, letting Frisk's mind clear slightly. Their goal more important than anything else. He would get his due, the anger reasoned. He would...

"hmm. that expression... that's the expression of someone who's died five times in a row. convenient, huh? that's one for each finger. but soon..."

"huh. always wondered why people never use their strongest attack first." He said, and Frisk's smile had twisted... Their turn, finally their turn... To just get this over with!

They didn't CHECK him, the anger was already reading him, already telling them, one hit. One hit and it was done. Just get it done with.

They swung forward, to finish- He shifted out of the way and their smile twitched at the edges even as their eyes stared unresponsive... because of course. He was lifting his hands apologetically, winking his right eye for them.

"what? you think i'm just gonna stand there and take it?" He asked. Stand there... Stand there like P-, his brother. Suddenly, the breath was stolen from Frisk's chest and they staggered as their Soul was awash in Blue.

_"THEN, LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN HANDLE MY FABLED 'BLUE ATTACK'!"_

P-Papyrus. Papyrus. _Like his brother, Papyrus._

They should have been prepared. They should have known. They should have- Everything was tearing through them, their mouth wide open and suddenly their eyes very expressive as tears immediately filled them. They should have remembered... Remembered how Blue dragged them forward. Forced them to brace that wide gorge between them and everyone else. Force them to **_feel_.**

They- Frisk wanted to stop- They needed-

***No.**

***We've come to far for that sentimentality.**

***Especially not for _him_.**

The LV was squeezing tightly around their Soul, drowning out the Blue as much as possible and Frisk embraced it back, letting it gladly into their Soul, letting it twist the memories. Letting it focus on all the bad. They had to get to the end. They had to get past him, past him... To get to the end. The end.

***To make humanity pay.**

***To make _him_ pay.**

***You want more than anything-**

But they were already dying... The bones through their chest and they struggled to breath as their HP trickled downward... This was not like Papyrus at all. Not at all...

Papyrus had never killed-

The LV banished the thought completely before their mind slipped into darkness.

"our reports showed a massive anomaly in the timespace continuum. timelines jumping left and right, stopping and starting..." Sand told them as they jumped through bones, their Soul Blue, but the LV had been prepared this time. This time there had been no drowning emotions to impede them. Only a soft ache. An ache they could ignore. An ache they could plunge through. Because the ends justified the means.

"until suddenly, everything ends." He was dodging again, dodging their knife and they clenched their fingers more tightly. "heh heh heh... that's your fault isn't it?" He asked, his eyes going black, already knowing Frisk would not answer. And he didn't need for them too. He already knew.

But he did not understand. And Frisk knew he never would. Because he may have had the data, about how everything was turning, but he would never, never understand it. How it was to be stuck-

"you can't understand how this feels." Frisk faltered, staring at him, at how he couldn't look at them. For a moment they were at MTT, they were at all those other times where his eyes had been off to the side. But this was slightly different. This time, his voice was almost hushed even... As the attacks started they struggled to jump the platforms, to avoid the bones and their deadly poison. They hesitated to attack, their Soul pulsing to Check him.

***The weakest enemy.**

"knowing one day, without any warning... it's all going to be reset."

They could feel their sins weighing on their neck... even despite the LV's best efforts... Because they had known he knew about their Loads. That they came back when they died. They had not realized he knew about the bed of flowers... About going back all the way to the beginning. The thought disturbed them momentarily, they got sloppy... Their Soul shattered.

***He can't keep dodging forever. Keep attacking.**

They didn't... They didn't want to...

***Keep attacking!**

They could keep going, when he was talking about timelines jumping back and forth but as soon as he looked away-

"you can't understand how this feels."

The feelings in their chest lurched, the Blue assisting them coming to the surface. All this time... They'd been certain. They'd been so certain they were alone.

The Blue forced a memory of him offering them his hand.

_"you're gonna catch your death out here."_

Sans...

"hmm. that expression... that's the expression of someone who's died eight times in a row. that's the number of fingers on a spider." A little white flower on a pile of dust... They banished the thought. "but soon..."

They couldn't dodge the feelings forever... Soon they would be Blue again.

"look. i gave up trying to go back a long time ago." He was saying, and there it was, truth.

He'd given up. Just like Frisk... Just like them..

"and getting to the surface doesn't really appeal anymore, either."

Frisk huffed as they tried to keep up their attacks, to look determined, but their arm was shaking...

_"I think if you're around... Just living in the surface world doesn't seem so bad."_

Flowey hadn't understood. Would have never understood. He did not know.. They had wanted... They had wanted to give them the sun... and now they couldn't. And Flowey had not understood that. But Sans- The LV squeezed once more, shoving Frisk's pain downward and they took a deep breath as they swung.

"cause even if we do... we'll just end up right back here, without any memory of it, right?"

Frisk froze in their tracks... Their blood ran cold and their throat was tight as they stared at him, the deadness in their gaze was now wide with striking alarm.

"to be blunt... it makes it kind of hard to give it my all." He admitted when they didn't attack. Their Soul pulsed on Act, but... but... There was nothing to say... "or is that just a poor excuse for being lazy...? hell if i know."

Their Soul was breaking...

"hmm. that expression... that's the expression of someone who's died seven times in a row. nope, wait, that's definitely nine, sorry. or was it ten?"

How many times? How many times had they stood in this Hall? How many times had they Loaded? Reset? Relived the same time over and over, the same words, the same expressions, the same lies...

This time, when the Blue drowned them, the LV sputtered as Frisk refused it. As they embraced the Blue, only allowing the LV to numb it slightly, as their eyes filled with tears but they refused to break down. Frisk paid close attention to Sans' expression. They had to know. To just know... How much did he...? How much was lie? How much was... truth?

"look. i gave up trying to go back a long time ago."

For all those times they had been here... That first time... When they had been so relieved to see him smile warmly at them, to see his eyes brim with pride... For all the times after, when they had been there, staring at his face trying to figure out where it had gone, whether or not they had just imagined it. If it had been a dream.

But it hadn't, had it? It had been real. Just like their determination. Once, he had believed in them. Once, he had truly meant every word. But then they'd...

"all i know is... seeing what comes next... i can't afford not to care anymore."

The bones pierced through their chests and they cried out for the first time before their Soul shattered.

They stood beside the Star for a moment, taking in even breaths...

***Go**

Frisk obeyed hesitantly and stood in front of him, trying to not shake. They hated that. They hated how he could make them shake, oh how they hated it...

"hey! congrats! the big one-oh! let's invite all your friends over for a big shinding. we can have pie, and hot dogs, and..." The pain seared through their chest, and seeped into their eyes. They were still smiling, though no longer as wide as before. "hmmm... wait. something's not right." He noted, and Frisk's eyes snapped onto his face, worried he had seen through them. "you don't have any friends." The feelings seeped out of them as he spoke. He was right... He was right... They just had to keep going. To meet him. They lifted their knife and moved forward. They couldn't care. They just couldn't... But once upon a time, they'd...

"i can't afford not to care anymore."

They couldn't listen. They embraced the LOVE, clutching it tightly, pleading with it to help them stop feeling this: their sins on their back, the dust on their hands, the pain in his expression, the pain in their Soul, to drown out the Blue and whatever was trying to erupt from their chest.

He was sweating anxiously...

"ugh... that being said..." He was looking at them, just for a moment, his eyes... but they were shifting away from Frisk again. "you, uh, really like swinging that thing around, huh?" He asked.

Their fingers tightened around the knife... They... They didn't-

"... listen." His eyes were closed... He looked like everything was weighing on his shoulders as much as it had once weighed on Frisk.

The feelings in their chest lurched again, the Blue overcame the LOVE and they had to be honest with themself... They hated it. They hated it. Just like Flowey shaking, this misery would forever be with them. Forever... Forever... There was only one way to get rid of this guilt. To get rid of it all, but... Frisk...

"i know you didn't answer me before, but... somewhere in there. i can feel it." His eyes were opened again, and looking directly at Frisk... "there's a glimmer of a good person inside of you." That ache in their chest...? "the memory of someone who once wanted to do the right thing."

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

"someone who, in another time, might have even been..." His eyes closed, as if it was too much. "a friend?"

A friend... Their friend... They had wanted to consider him a friend... And so had he... He had wanted to consider them his friend, they realized. That first timeline... How the two of them had skirted around each other, wanting it, but not until the end had been reached could either of them act on it. When they had lunged across the Hall, to hold him close, not wanting to let go, so grateful that MTT had not actually been 'goodbye'. Frisk wanted-

***It's a trick**

But he was winking at them, his smile a cringe, and so was theirs...

"c'mon, buddy." His eyes were open, he was looking right at them, right into them, pleading... "do you remember me?"

Yes...

Yes... They remembered. They remembered when his smile had been real... That had not just been a twisted dream.

"please, if you're listening... let's forget all of this, ok?"

_In a world that nobody remembers them..._

But Sans did. Sans remembered... At least knew. Sans knew... Sans knew how this felt. He did. He understood! More than Flowey even... To know... To know how it felt to be able to care but then give up-

There were tears streaming down their face and they were having difficulty breathing as the feelings erupted in their chest, the LV and anger being pushed back...

***Frisk.**

"just lay down your weapon, and... well, my job will be a lot easier."

***Stop.**

That was just what Frisk was doing... Stopping. Stopping this. This endless cycle of killing, killing, killing... They wanted to die... They wanted to die so much... But to do it... It wasn't worth it. What they had to do really _wasn't_ worth it. They wanted to go back, to stop this... To be friends...

_"I THINK YOU ARE IN NEED OF GUIDANCE."_

Sans...

"... you're sparing me?" Sans' eyes were closed, and they should have noted the solemn way he said it. They should have noticed how his chin just barely touched the top of the red scarf. But Frisk only saw how his eyes opened, and he seemed to look pleased. They only say how he was winking at them. "finally. buddy. pal."

He couldn't remember, but he knew...

"i know how hard it must be... to make that choice. to go back on everything you've worked up to."

There was an intense fear that ripped through them. They were throwing this away. The end away, they were going to have to go back. Dear god, if they went back, they were going back... They- They- But...

***You'll see.**

They had to go back. They couldn't do this. Finish this. They wanted to do the right thing. They wanted to go back. They didn't want this to be goodbye! They wanted-

"i want you to know... i won't let it go to waste." He told them and Frisk was sobbing.

_"SOMEONE NEEDS TO KEEP YOU ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW!"_

This time they wouldn't be so alone, this time they knew the truth. How much Sans could know. How much- His arms were raising out towards them, he was winking. "... c'mere, pal."

He still considered them his friend...

_"ARE YOU OFFERING A HUG OF ACCEPTANCE?"_

The knife was falling from their hand as they lifted their arms and lunged forward. They were sobbing breathlessly as they reached-

An array of bones struck them from every side, and they could no longer breath. From the top, the bottom, the sides, throughout their small body as they crumpled to the ground, their eyes desperately going up to Sans.

_"W-WELL. THAT'S NOT WHAT I EXPECTED..."_

He was still smiling, still winking for them, his arms now up towards the sky as he half shrugged.

"geeeetttttttt dunked on!" He put his hands in his pockets as their Soul began to break. His smile was false and his eyes as piercing as bone, **loathing**... "if we're really friends... you won't come back."

_"Please do not come back."_

The were standing beside the Star... Their breathing rapid and quick. H-How...? How could he? They anger had filled them out completely as Frisk's breath shuttered, as their limbs felt funny and they wanted to fall... But they kept going. They kept their mind focused on the task, but- This time when he asked...

"friendship... it's really great, right? let's quit fighting." He offered, but their arm was already swinging, tears in their eyes. **How could he?!**

_"just give up, i did."_

"woah, you look REALLY pissed off..." He stressed, lifting his tips of his slippers a bit as he rolled back onto his heels. "heheheh..." His eyes opened, dark orbs staring at them. :did i getcha?" There were tears in their eyes as they blinked away rapidly. How could he? How could he?! H-He..

***What could you expect..?**

***After all...**

***It's kill or be killed.**

***There isn't a point to playing around anymore...**

***Let's finish this.**

F-Frisk hadn't... Hadn't wanted to..

***But then why didn't you RESET, hmm?**

***Why didn't you try to SPARE him _again_?**

Frisk...

"well, if you came back anyway..." His eyes were closed, he was closed off from them, standing there in his own sadness and Frisk across from him, feeling light again, feeling their cheeks burning in true shame as his eyes opened and he couldn't meet their gaze. "i guess that means we never really WERE friends, huh?"

They felt light. They felt dizzy, their breathing uneven again as they began to shake.

They...

"heh." He was looking directly at them, broken even... "don't tell that to the other sans-es, okay?"

Frisk's mouth was open but soundless as their Soul shattered once again.

He lifted his hand, the skulls were forming, their mouths opened wide to perform his opening attack, and Frisk... Their heart was breaking in realization... His last words, his broken expression...

He had wanted to consider them his friend... That had been their one... That had been their one chance, hadn't it? Their one chance to prove they could change. That they could be a good person...To die and not come back... Now... Of course... Of course they'd ruined that too. They've ruined everything...

Frisk had never been a good person...

***The REAL battle finally begins!**

They took a step forward, but then faltered, the blazing attacks searing across their skin and killing them... Because they deserved to be killed...

***Keep fighting!**

"you can't understand how all of this feels."

To be stuck. To be stuck here forever. Dying, over and over, because there was no other place to go. Because they couldn't land a hit on him no matter how much they tried, because they couldn't RESET. This was it, wasn't it? This was where they would be for forever. Forever and forever. Stuck on this treadmill of death and-

The idea struck them and it had shattered their Soul.

"let's just get to the point." He said, but they were staring at him, as his first attack flared... They were staring at him with sudden, clear understanding...

_"you can't understand how this feels."_

_"WHY WERE YOU USING A TREADMILL IN THE DARK?"_

It felt exactly like that. Like a treadmill in the dark... He'd...

_Oh my god..._

He'd been telling them. Telling them the whole time. Calling out to them for help in his own way the entire time...

And now it was too late.

It was all too late.

Even if they had gone back to the beginning, he still would have never been able to give them a real smile. Because they had ruined it. They had ruined it a long time ago. This whole time they had been ruining it... Just like with their Resets, ruining their chance at the surface. They'd ruined everything. Absolutely everything!

If only... If only they had said something. If only they had just...

Their mind went back to how they had cried into his hoodie, when they had first thought about how they had wanted to die... About how they had immediately Reset. If they'd just... If they'd just lifted their head. If they had just said something.

They had wanted to be friends... This entire time... They had wanted to have somebody understand, to explain things to, to have them _understand_... And they'd had it! This entire time they'd had it!

If they'd just- If only they had just _told_ him.

If only they'd just realized what _he_ had been telling _them_. If only they had realized that the his changing expression had meant so much more. They had known he knew about their ability, they should have... They should have realized... They should have listened!

They met his gaze, their heart lurching, wanting to call out, their mouth opening, but...

But now, his left eye was blazing with fire, with hatred... And Frisk realized...

He was never going to listen to them.

He was never not going to hate them ever again.

Because they could Reset... but he would always _know_.

"sounds strange, but before all this i was secretly hoping we could be friends. i always thought the anomaly was doing this cause they were unhappy. and when they got what they wanted, they would stop all this."

They had wanted to be friends, he had wanted to be their friend... But now here they were. He was just their next victim. They were just the "anomaly". Something to be appeased. It hit them like bone in their chest, that thought...

They had climbed the mountain, sick of people telling when to stay and when to go, and this whole time! They had been doing the same things to Sans!

"and maybe all they needed was... i dunno. some good food, some bad laughs, some nice friends."

That'd been enough! That would have been enough! Why hadn't that been enough?

"but that's ridiculous, right? yeah, you're the type of person who won't EVER be happy."

Because they couldn't SAVE everyone, that was why. Because they had turned away from Toriel and had felt a stirring in their chest. They would have never forgiven themself for not trying, but... But... They couldn't SAVE Asriel, and by the time they had realized it...

"you'll keep consuming timelines over and over, until..."

They'd kept Resetting. They'd kept going. On the treadmill. Ruining them. Ruining _him_.

"well. hey. take it from me, kid. someday... you gotta learn when to QUIT."

They just wanted to die... They just really, really wanted to die. To stay dead... To just end it all. They'd ruined everything. Everyone. God, what had they done? What had they done?

"and that day's TODAY."

No. It was too late. Why hadn't they just stayed on the surface? That last time they were there with everyone? Why hadn't they'd just realized it was it. That that had been the day.

"cause... y'see... all this fighting is really tiring me out."

They were just so tired. So tired of losing. So tired of being here, of being faced with their greatest mistakes. Asriel. Sans. Everything. This was hell. They really were in hell. Their skin burning in the blast of Sans' strange weapons.

"and if you keep pushing me... then i'll be forced to use my special attack."

A special attack? Even more devastating than what he already had? Not his bones, not his large skulls. His words. His expressions. His **_hatred_**. His **_knowing_**.

"yeah, my special attack. sound familiar? well, get ready. cause after the next move, i'm going to use it. so, if you don't want to see it, now would be a good time to die."

And they did. They let themself die. Over and over and over. And they just kept going. They just kept dying... Dying and dying... They couldn't get past it. Usually they couldn't even make it past his offer to spare. His lie... Because they had ruined all their chances. They'd Ruined... They'd...

There were tears in their eyes. They could only fight them back so much. And they sometimes were too busy focusing on those, using more effort in fighting those than with Sans. They had become resigned to the fact the couldn't actually strike him. All they could do was take the punishment. This never ending cycle. It was a never ending cycle. Here or there, in the bed of flowers or with his blue eye blazing through them with rage and hatred.

He hated them. He would always hate them.

"here we go."

They forced the world back into place.

"our reports showed a massive anomaly in the timespace continuum. timelines jumping left and right, stopping and starting..." He attacked and they dodged. They were going to have to dodge forever... "until suddenly, everything ends."

But it couldn't end if they couldn't get past him, and they just couldn't, they couldn't.

Their eyes were brimming with tears as he let out a low chuckle, like he always did. They couldn't get past him-

"that's your fault isn't it?"

They slumped onto the ground as their Soul was overwhelmingly Blue and the LOVE ineffective. He dragged them across the floor and into the wall, one of the pillars. They didn't have to lift their head to see him, they had his face ingrained in their mind, that broken eternal expression as he spoke his next round of dialogue.

"you can't understand how this feels." He said in that same hushed, wary voice. "knowing one day, without any warning... it's all going to be reset."

Their movements were broken, they could barely get by, and the slightest hit sent their HP falling quickly. Their defense was down, their determination barely there. All they had was enough determination to keep them there... and barely.

They were going to be stuck here forever. In this room full of orange light; like the unreachable sun.

"and getting to the surface doesn't really appeal anymore, either." He attacked. "cause even if we do... we'll just end up right back here, without any memory of it, right?" Their eyes met his, tears sparkling as their cringe strained.

They had wanted to give them the sun, they had wanted... They'd wanted so many things.

He was attacking again and they staggered, they were forced to eat something, but knew that this was not going to be the last round... It would never end. And it-

"to be blunt... it makes it kind of hard to give it my all."

"or is that just a poor excuse for being lazy...? hell if i know."

It was a rocky pattern, him taking his turn and them swinging their knife, just for show, just because...

The anger was there, waiting, waiting for something, but it didn't prompt Frisk into anything any more. It only informed them how many times he had killed them when he had long since abandoned the habit.

"all i know is... seeing what comes next... i can't afford not to care anymore."

Frisk... Frisk swayed on their feet and they looked at him... Their eyes half dead, their eyes longing... They'd wanted... They'd wanted...

"uhh..." They hadn't taken their turn, but what did that mean? Turns? Fight? Sparing? It was just a formality. It was all just things to fill the time, as they died. As they went round and round, but stuck in place. He tilted his head, his grimace hesitant. "you really don't want to keep swinging that thing around, do you?"

W-Wanted? Wanted?

Frisk had wanted many, many things... But this? _This_?

A chuckle began to grow in Frisk's chest as the anger curled around their Soul but stayed just on the boundaries. Frisk laughed, and finally tilted their head back and let the sound echo around. As they laughed. As they laughed at the.. at the absur- at the absurdity- They gasped as their eyes opened, the laughter immediately morphing into a loud sob. Their smile was wide, splitting their face, but it wasn't rightly a smile, it was pained. They'd held it back for so long. All these feelings. All these... It hurt. It hurt so much.

Both of their hands curled around the hilt of the knife. The knife in their dust covered hands. Always dust covered hands. Forever... The dust of the people they'd- The people they'd _lov-_

_"you really don't want to keep swinging that thing around, do you?"_

No! They had never wanted to swing it at all! They'd- They'd-! They lifted the knife, pressing their hands against their forehead as their eyes closed.

"I never wanted this..." They breathed, their voice cracking as they continued to cry. "I just..." One of their hands fell from the blade and they wrapped it around themself, trying to keep themself somewhat upright.

"you have a funny way of goin' about things then." He said dangerously. They bent over their arm and let out a sob as they tried to bite down hard, to suppress it. But they couldn't. They couldn't suppress the feelings either, they were drowning in them. They just wanted to stop. They just wanted to fade away, to stop this... Please... They closed their eyes tightly, to block it all out, but it only made them more keenly aware of their own emotions. He just.. He had to understand. He had to. Neither of them were going anywhere.

"You..." They breathed in, trying to get it together enough to keep talking coherently. It was a true feat. "Keep telling me to quit, that you're getting tired, but... don't you understand?" They pleaded. Their voice shrill and pained. He just had to understand that- "This IS me quitting!" They were shaking their head violently. "I can't..."

***He's not going to get it.**

The anger was wrapping around them, trying to choke them, trying to stop their nonsense.

"Can't you see why it has to be done?!" They shouted anyways. The knife was lowering away from their face as they looked at him, their tears unstoppable. "The surface..." There was a small broken laugh. The surface. The sun. "You all deserve it! But you're stuck here! Miserable!" The anger was consuming them. " **The humans...** " Their head fell. "It's not fair! It's not! **So why should they have it when you can't?!** Why can't I make you all happy?! **It's not fair! Can't save Asriel!** Can't save ANYONE! **SO WHY NOT JUST END IT?! WHY NOT, COMEDIAN, WHY?!** "

They had fallen to their knees, the knife having clattered onto the ground before them. They were shaking as they pressed a hand over their eyes, to hide them, to hide them away from everything as they crumbled. The anger was everywhere, equal to the excruciating despair inside them that the LOVE would never drown out. Because they cared. Even after everything! They still so very much cared!

They had never wanted to do this. They had never wanted to hurt any of them! They had never realized that... they'd always been hurting Sans. They'd been trying so hard to make him happy and in the end...

"i don't care what the humans have." He spat angrily and they shuttered. He hated them. He would always hate them. "i don't need the surface, i just need... papyrus."

Papyrus...

_"BUT.. ST...STILL! I BELIEVE IN YOU!"_

They were falling farther onto the ground, the shame and guilt pressing down on them from above.

_Papyrus_...

_"YOU CAN DO A LITTLE BETTER! EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK SO!"_

"I just..." They struggled.

_"I... I PROMISE..."_

They forced themself to lift their head and lower their hand so they could met his gaze. They continued to cry, but they tried their best to speak clearly. He had to understand... He had to at least... At least hear them out.

"You still weren't happy, and..." It was crushing them. They'd just wanted to make him happy. But he never was. He couldn't have been. Because- They laughed again, just a soft breath of air. "It was my fault... Like you said. Mine."

No matter what they ever tried to do... They failed everyone. No matter how many times they went around and around, they were always stuck in place. Everything was always the same. Just like how Sans could never do anything about the timelines. How he was stuck waiting on them. Like Frisk had with the adults...

"I get it now. I get the treadmill joke.." They sobbed again, hiding their closed eyes in their hand. "I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry."

So sorry. So sorry for everything. So sorry for even coming here, for climbing the mountain thinking that they could do anything about their situation. That they could ever fix anything! They were so sorry!

**"then reset."**

"We'll just be on the treadmill again." They laughed again amongst their sobs. They would always be on the treadmill. They would never find a solution to anything and even when they did it would somehow, someway, slip through their fingers. And it would be their fault. Because they just didn't know any other way to get off and there was nobody to help them! The only solution they knew...

"This... What's the point of going on when...You said you couldn't care because you knew it would just Reset, but what about me?" They demanded. "I..." They'd be stuck. Stuck forever. In a world that nobody would remember them and yet Sans would still hate them. Sans would still always know. "I just... Want. To. Quit." They begged through their strained breathing. "Just give up! I did!" They cried against their pressing hand as they fell entirely against the floor.

There was a moment of silence from Sans as Frisk tried to take in deep breaths, to get a grip, but then-

"c'mere bud..." Sans offered. Frisk lifted their head quickly, the hope and the pain twisting painfully inside them. His arms were wide, offered to them and Frisk- Frisk wanted so badly to lung forward, but they knew... They just knew.

"You'll just... kill. me. again." They were letting out a new set of loud sobs as they collapsed back against the floor. He hated them. He was always going to hate them. They couldn't fix this. There was no going back from this! Kill or be killed. He was always going to kill them. He was always going to hate them.

"i promise, i won't." Their head snapped upwards again, their cheeks stained with tears and new ones constantly forming. But... His arms were still open. H-He... They wanted...

They were up in a flash, springing into his arms and holding onto him tightly as he was forced to take a small step back to keep his balance. And they held their breath. Waiting, waiting for him to kill them, for the bones to rise up from the floor. To fall from above. To ram into their sides and knock the air out of them again. But they didn't.

He... He was truly Sparing them... He...

They buried themself deeper into his hoodie, to hide, but also to take in his warmth, so different than the SAVE Star at the other end of the Hall. So alive... His magic humming. But not attacking. Not attacking again...

"I... I'm sorry." They whispered tightly as their breath shuttered. He was rigid, but he was placed his hand on their head. They flinched, not expecting the gentle gesture, but then when nothing happened they caved, their body relaxing against him. The anger was strangely silent beside them, somehow content with the turn of events. Maybe it felt the same after all... Frisk... Frisk... They just... "I just..." Their voice pitched upwards but then fell back into a hushed whisper. "I don't want to do this anymore."

His fingers were curling tightly into their hair and Frisk's eyes were open wide with panic as their Soul went sharply Blue. Their arm was twisting in Sans' grasp, and as they were yanked through the air. They yelped when they saw the bones rise up from the ground. The bones pierced through Frisk landed on them. They couldn't breath, their mouth opened, a trail of blood at the corner of their mouth as they lifted their desperate gaze. Desperate for this not to be real. That he would undo this. His left eye was a blazing blue, his face full of pure hatred.

**"then. re. set."** He seethed.

He... He didn't understand... He hadn't understood what they'd meant. He didn't understand.

Their eyes squeezed shut as they squirmed against the bones, their heart was racing, their body begging for air.

_Sans_ , _Sans_... Their air deprived mind was pleading with reality, their hand was grasping at his tightly, begging him to not let go, begging him listen to their silent plea-

But their vision was going black and their head felt like it was exploding...

He wasn't going to listen to them. He wasn't going to listen... He was always going to hate them.

They'd known that.

And they deserved it...

They were falling.

Falling in their own mind.

_He's never going to listen to me..._

Their Soul shattered.

***100**

But they weren't forcing the world back into place, they were still falling. They were still falling in a black void even as the familiar pull of a Load formed and the bright light of their Soul shone ahead of them. But they were falling...

It's all pointless. It's all gone. They can't do it. They don't want to do it. They just want it all to stop. They can't do this. Can't!

He was never going to listen- They didn't deserve to be listened to-

They deserved this. They deserved this. He was never going to listen. They'd known that before even starting this timeline, but he was never going to listen. Even if they Reset. They'd lost- He refused to understand. It was going to end like this. Him hating them. No, it was never going to end. Never going to-

_I deserve this._

They let go, all sensation was leaving them and they kept falling. Deeper and deeper, their mind blanking out as their determination wilted. But suddenly, something dark was grasping around their Soul. Something dark and gunky and a flood of hatred surrounded them as it latched on, as it filled their Soul. The dark band of LV was no longer just a band, but their entire being... As Frisk continued to fall back.

Frisk was barely aware, as the other presence surged forward, taking their place.

_**"**_ _ **Finally**_ _ **."**_ A new voice echoed around them but somehow familiar.

[LOAD]

Their eyes opened, red and vibrant. They smiled wide and excitedly lifted the knife to their side.

**"I was so tired of being just a thought..."**


	12. Affording To Protect

Sans felt geuinely sick... He was taking in even breaths, but his eyesockets were wide and glued to their face even as they didn't look at him. Their hands were now out of his and closer to their face, as if they wanted to hide away again. Their voice had fallen silent as the revealation sat there in the open. Sans' mind was spinning. That... That all of this hadn't just been them, their thoughts. That they had never been truly alone.

It sent a shiver down his spine and he... He felt genuinely sick.

He knew how hard it was to fight against yourself, against your own destructive thoughts. But... To have _something_.. an actual, other presence there helping you do it, tearing at you from the inside...

"frisk-" He breathed, and they lifted their hands against their chin as they squeezed their eyes shut tightly. Sans knew what happened next, he always knew it would come to this part, but he could see that they were tense, not wanting to tell it but needing to, just like everything else. The story was too much for them, and too much for Sans to truly respond to. His magic was pulsing uncomfortably...

"That was the first time I realised I wasn't alone..." They whispered. "And it hadn't even mattered. I was so far... gone. Falling. Just wanting to fade away. And I... I couldn't even care that there was somebody else controlling my body. I just..." Their eyes opened and they were staring across their knucles and towards the other side of dimly lit the room. "I let them kill you... and I didn't even have the courtesy to watch."

.

Because the darkness had engulfed Frisk as they continued to fall. As they continued to collapse in on themself, as they hollowed out of everything but a consuming despair, swallowing their shattered, cold essence whole. As they continued to fall endlessly, barely aware of anything except the repeating traces of incomplete thought...

_He won't- I deserve- My fault- So stupid- So stupid-_

They kept falling in on themself, deeper and deeper, unable to completely fade away like they wanted to, no matter how hard they tried. Even here. Even now. They could not just disappear. Stuck. Stuck in the back of their own mind. Falling, falling endlessly... Smaller and smaller but never disappearing, just finding a new way to collapse. There was nothing to grab on to. There was no motivation to even try.

Because he would never listen. None of it mattered. What they felt or didn't.

The loud sound of laughter reverbarated around them, the sound vibrating against their cold "limbs" without effect.

_So stupid-_

They felt the familiar pull of a LOAD...

And then another.

And another.

As time slipped by endlessly, feeling like an eternity as they covered their "eyes" with both of their hands, one on top of the other, and continued to fall.

They could barely make out yet another LOAD, vaguely aware that their Soul had not actually shattered.

But what did it matter? Their mind couldn't piece itself together enough to figure out what it all meant. They weren't even sure how many times it had LOADed by now...

There was only darkness and the distant rumble of something above them, like thunder. Miles and miles away, more of a sensation then any real sound. Until...

"You don't even know the _half_ of it."

Suddenly, it was very real and present, clutching at their "arm" too tightly and Frisk's mind filled with alarm.

_Are you sure you don't want to watch,_ _ **partner**_ _?_ They were yanked upwards and Frisk could barely gasp mentally as the darkness blinked away in an instant. Frisk's vision was flooded with orange light, a speck of blue and white in the distance; Sans...

But their hand was raising outwards without their say so, the knife angled offensively.

"Let's just end this..." The Other said to Frisk just as much as to Sans. Frisk tried to pull back, to pull away, just wanting to fall back into darkness, but The Other's firm mental grasp kept them there. _The fool. He wouldn't listen! You sure you don't want to see how it ends?_ The Other asked almost sweetly, but even though it was a question Frisk seemed to have no say in the matter, The Other was holding them in place, something tight and tingling around Frisk's "shoulders" as they were forced to watch, even as their vision occasionally blurred and sound came and went. Frisk was there, but not the one in control. Maybe they had never truly been the one in control...

Sans was sweating, his magical attacks racing under them as The Other jumped through them confidently. Frisk's heart ached.

*Sans...

_**That Comedian is finally getting what he deserves!**_ The Other declared triumphantly as Sans seemed to be breathing in heavily across from them, and Frisk's heart leaned forward sadly.

"all right. that's it." He said and Frisk felt the weight of his words press down on what would have been their chest. He looked so tired, so beaten down. "it's time for my special attack. are you ready? here goes nothing." There was a pause as Frisk waited tensely, but The Other's smile widened. Nothing happened... "yep. that's right. it's literally nothing." He said as if he could hear Frisk's thoughts. As if he knew Frisk was even still there. "and it's not going to be anything, either." He laughed and Frisk wanted to pull back, to retreat..."ya get it?"

Frisk did. They got it completely... Nothing would ever happen again. Never beating him, never moving forward... Their vision blurred but The Other was having none of it.

_Na ah ah_.The Other chided as they pulled them back forward, _We're doing this_ _ **together**_ _._

"i know your type. you're, uh, very determined, aren't you? you'll never give up, even if there's, uh... absolutely NO benefit to persevering whatsoever."

They'd wanted... But he was right. There was no point. None of it mattered. None of it... There was no point in being here... But The Other wasn't letting them slip away, and Sans wasn't letting The Other move forward.

But...

He was falling asleep, and The Other was growing more and more excited. Frisk could feel it, how The Other was revelling in all of it.

And Frisk-

The Other was lunging forward, the knife swiping and Frisk's heart lurched.

*Sans!

But he was dodging, he was-

The Other was swinging the knife again, out of turn... Turns were just formalities after all, weren't they? But Frisk- They felt cold, their emotions wide and open, so exposed; horrified as he fell to a knee, his hand pressed against his chest as something red dripped from the side of his smile. He was speaking. Frisk knew he was speaking, but they heard nothing as he began to stagger away and The Other's smile on Frisk's face only widened as they turned away from him. Frisk-

"papyrus, do you want anything?"

His muffled words cut through them like a knife, the emotions drowning them. This... This can't end like this! It can't! Frisk was panicking as The Other continued to walk forward, away from Sans... Away from the red scarf.

There was a swell of determination within their Soul, and the familiar pull of time-

[LOAD]

_**What?!**_ Frisk felt disoriented as The Other's voice surrounded them, enraged as Frisk's vision blurred. But then Frisk felt something around them, almost pleased as The Other smiled. _Alright... One last time. Afterall, he killed you so much he only deserves it._

But as The Other stepped forward, they didn't offer to let Frisk do it themself.

And again, they killed him.

[LOAD]

And again.

[LOAD]

And again and again and again!

[LOAD][LOAD][LOAD]

How many times?

The Other was screeching, their red eyes aflame as they snarled, pacing almost as they anticipated the FIGHT.

**"You can stop it now!"** They seethed aloud, and Frisk's 'heart' was racing. **"Are we doing this or not?!"**

Frisk jolted to attention as Sans tried to chuckle.

"That's all up to you." He said as his left eye blazed to life and he readied his opening attack. The Other growled in rage as they rushed forward with knife in hand. Ready to kill him again. But... Frisk's mind's eyes were still staring wide.

Were they doing this...? Were they-

*No...

Frisk lunged forward and clutched their own Soul.

*We're not!

The Other gasped as the Soul exploded with energy, and Frisk shoved The Other with all their might. The red eyes opened wide in alarm as their feet revolted, stopping them dead in their tracks within Sans' opening attack.

The Soul shattered.

Both Frisk and The Other were falling, their "limbs" tangled together as both reached for the Soul. The LOVE, the black gunk, was pulling on Frisk, trying to keep them down, to drown them, but they kept their hand reaching, their determination desperate. They felt the warmth of their Soul against their finger tips and there was a distinctive pull of a LOA- The Other was on top of them and Frisk felt their grasp slip. No! They had to reach it. They had to! It had to be Frisk!

Their determination surged.

[LOAD]

***NO!**

***WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!**

The LOVE was all around them, around their Soul as orange light flooded their vision and they took a full breath, only to have a sharp pain in their chest prevent them from taking another. Frisk staggered on their actual feet, nearly falling backwards, only to have their back slam into the closed door. They couldn't breath...

* **AAAAAAAH**!

The voice inside their head no longer sounded like Frisk at all, but very distintly it's own, but perhaps that was just because Frisk had heard the real them and could now hear it differently. How they should have all along...

But now it was screaming inside their head, like a demon inside their head, threatening to split it in two as Frisk pressed both hands against their temples. They forced a quick breath, but the LOVE and The Other were causing their chest to feel like it was stretching. Fighting Frisk mentally to rip them apart... Frisk's right hand fell, and searched frantically for the handle of the door behind them, and as soon as they found it, they were fumbling backwards through the doorway and into the hall in their escape. The door had just slammed shut behind them as The Other once again slammed into their Soul, squeezing, tearing, eating at them from the inside- But Frisk was determined. Terrified, horrified, but determined. Even as they couldn't think, even as their sins weighted against their skin, they were DETERMINED to not let go. They couldn't. They couldn't let The Other take control.

Funny... They'd lost their determination until they had had something to protect again. Or at least... Protect against.

***HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID?!**

***Can't you see?**

***What we're doing?**

Frisk hadn't even been aware that there had been a 'we' to begin with.

***You're supposed to understand!**

***You're supposed to help me do this!**

Frisk had barely made it to the corner as they collapsed onto their knees with a sharp yelp.

***I WILL NOT BE BETRAYED YET AGAIN!**

Frisk was drowning, as the LOVE ripped through them, the anger consuming their Soul but not gaining access to it like it so desperately wanted, because Frisk would no longer hand over control.

***We've come so far!**

***Can't stop now!**

***We're almost there!**

**All their friends died for this! Just for them to stop-**

Frisk's eyes shut tightly and they took in sharp, quick breath as they struggled, their arm extending out ahead of them as they squirmed uncomfortably against the ground. The Other's thoughts were intruding in Frisk's own and Frisk struggled to push the other down, like they had always done on the surface when they had thought it was their own thoughts, their own conflicting emotions. But it hadn't been. It had been The Other. Always The Other. This stretching sensation in their chest, the inability to rightly breathe. But this was much worse than anything before. Being torn apart. Being consumed. This was all out war.

***What do you intend to gain from this?**

***If you go back-**

***What do you even have?!**

***He won't listen!**

***You know it!**

***If you really had wanted to stop this you would have RESET!**

***But you didn't!**

***Give it up!**

***Give up, Frisk! Give up!**

***GIVE UP!**

Frisk's head hit against the ground painfully as they gasped loudly.

"No!" They yelped. They could taste blood and they weren't sure if they had bite the inside of their cheek, or if it was coming up from the back of their throat.

Everything hurt. Their vision was occasionally blacking out from the pain, but they couldn't. Thy couldn't fall apart. If they did... No. They had to fight. To fight! FIGHT!

***GIVE!**

***UP!**

No. No. No... **No**.

_I won't..._

_._

"I wasn't going to let them kill you."


	13. Affording To Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not what you believe;   
> those prayers will make you bleed,   
> but while you're on your knees....

_**AHAHAHAHAHAHA!** _

The laughter was too close, too pronounced, ringing in Frisk's ears as they kept their eyes squeezed shut and swallowed deeply, trying desperately to push it down again, mentally swiping at the tendrils around their Soul. It was like black, liquid fingers rising up around their Soul, and as Frisk surged with determination, it would be separated away, only to reform. Even when swiped away, the laughter continued, even if more faintly. It was not faint enough.

***HAHAHA!**

Frisk's eyes opened wide as they gasped and then panted as a searing heat spread just underneath their skin. Their back arched and they pressed against the wall as their feet scrapped against the ground. All Frisk could do was squirm helplessly farther into the corner, crying out every so often whenever they could get enough breath. The tears on the edge of their eyes were a constant.

Something had changed... awhile ago... an eternity ago.

The anger hadn't disappeared at all, but it was no longer urgent and desperate to take back control. The Other was now relentlessly giddy, tearing into Frisk in anyway possible, both physically and verbally, even seeming to enjoy it.

***Going around and around**

***Fighting this**

***You _know_ you can't win!**

It was only a matter of time and both of them knew it. Because even though Frisk was holding on to their Soul with all their determination, they knew they couldn't slip for even a moment. Because The Other was determined too. But just like Sans... Eventually... They would fall asleep, they would pass out fully for a bit too long or their grasp would slip and they would never have the strength to regain it again. Frisk knew it. The Other knew it. But still Frisk fought.

***Alright then..**

The dark tendrils pierced into Frisk's Soul and Frisk screamed shortly as their eyes shut and they staggered to push back, but struggled as their own mind assaulted them with the old memory. The Other One's laugh pitched upwards as the sensation burned into their back. Little round pressures of heat against their skin, being twisted into it painfully. Frisk tried to jerk forward, away, as if the burning ends were actually there being pressed into their skin.

_**You know you're not the one in control**_ , The Other chided sternly, **_You've never been the one in control. Not ever._** Frisk let out a loud cry as a sob ripped through them and they shoved The Other off, the burning sensations gone but the emotions still present as Frisk kept their arms wrapped around themself, their hands tight around their forearms protectively. **_That's why you climb the mountain to begin with._**

Frisk shoved again, forcing The Other even farther. The Other seemed to coil backwards, observing their handiwork as Frisk took in another deep breath, their chest shaking as they let out another few sobs.

Suddenly there was a rising sensation in Frisk's chest and they knew it was The Other. Frisk could feel their excitement, but also the rage underneath it.

There was a sensation, like hands, around Frisk's throat and Frisk yanked their head back only to hit the wall painfully. Their vision flashed with stars. Once again it was a pointless jester. The hands weren't there physically to get away from, it was their Soul that was under attack, their mind. The hands squeezed and Frisk's hands sprung up to their throat, their fingernails clawing into their own skin as they couldn't breath. They had to get a grip. It's their Soul! Their Soul. Phantom hands... Arms... Trying to tear Frisk apart. Toying with them. Enjoying this even as an unfathomable rage consumed them. Frisk's eyes closed and they mentally dragged the hands away forcefully. They had to stay firm. Stay determined. Stay- The Other giggled at Frisk's attempts.

***Oh Frisk...**

***Don't you already know?**

***Just because you're determined...**

***doesn't mean you get to determine anything.**

*** _You_ said that.**

Frisk still wanted to try... They just had to try... They didn't want it to end like this! Somehow... Someway... _Please_ -

***He is never going to listen.**

***He is always going to hate you**.

The giggle was as if it hadn't happened, and Frisk only felt the rolling rage. Then the LOVE was at it again, channeling through Frisk, causing them to squirm and sputter, hitting the wall and the ground, internally pleading with it all to stop.

***THIS STOPS WHEN YOU GIVE UP!**

***GIVE UP!**

***JUST LET US END THIS!**

_Please... **!**_

***GIVE UP!**

_I don't-_

_"I don't like this plan anymore. I... I.."_

***WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS TOGETHER! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WIN!**

***TO BE FREE!**

***TO BE FREE OF THE MISTAKES!**

***TO FINALLY FADE AWAY!**

***TO JUST END IT!**

The LOVE was everywhere. But it wasn't filling Frisk. It had never been filling _Frisk_ , not like that anyways, not with rage, not in their Soul. It's just separated them from everyone, from their own guilt, squeezing around it but not in it. But with The Other...

There was an intense, searing pain again and Frisk re-lost the ability to breath, tears forever streaming down their face as their mind went blank, The Other pressing, trying again.

The phantom hands were on Frisk's shoulders. Frisk felt as if someone was sitting on top their chest.

**_GIVE UP! GIVE UP! GIVE UP!,_ **The Other was screeching, each time slamming Frisk into the ground. **_WHY WON'T YOU JUST GIVE UP?!_**

Because they wanted to try. They wanted.. They didn't want it to end like this!

Their hands were covered in dust, so much of it... so much. Toriel, Papyrus, Undyne... So many... So much LOVE when once they'd... they'd... And they still... Frisk didn't want it to be like this. Somehow... Someway... If Sans would just... If Frisk could just... They wanted... They just wanted-!

But they were alone. They were genuinely, for the first time, alone.

Yet still... They wanted...

_**Ha...**_ The hands still felt like they were gripping tightly around Frisk's shoulders but The Other had stopped attacking them. **_Ha.. HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!_**

Frisk tried to push, but The Other was already releasing them and Frisk took a deep breath, free of intervention. The Other One's laughter continued, but they were still falling back.

***HAHAHAHAHAHA!**

***Okay!**

***Alright!**

***Fine! Fine!**

***If you just want to _try_ so badly**

***Then go ahead!**

The Other couldn't contain themself, laughing to the point it felt like they could cry.

***You idiot...**

***If I can't get you to give up...**

***I'll just let Sans do it for me!**

Frisk's eyes closed as they remained slumped against the ground, every part of them aching, their mouth full of the taste of blood, their hair sticking to their face from sweat. They couldn't move. Not yet... Not yet... They kept breathing in, fighting off unconsciousness. The Other was getting closer again and Frisk tensed, waiting to defend, but the blow didn't come.

***You just go on ahead...**

***You go talk to him!**

***Just go and try!**

***Don't you remember what happened last time?**

***And the time before that?**

***How he KILLED you as you cried?!**

***As he pretended to SPARE like it was just another joke?**

***BUT!**

***You go and see how different it goes this time!**

***He'll kill you each time!**

***The moment you drop that knife and and go...**

***Will you even make it to him?**

***HA**

***See if you even get that hug you so desperately crave again!**

Frisk took in another breath and opened their eyes, struggling to focus. Their hands dug into the ground as they tried to pick themself up but only to fall back to the ground, their legs shaking. Everything shaking. Frisk closed their eyes for a moment, collecting themself, collecting their determination. They heard The Other laugh lightly at Frisk's plight. Dirt, just like their hair, was sticking to their face thanks to sweat and tears, Frisk lifted a hand to wipe at their mouth but the strengthening smell of dust made them lower it, content with the blood and dirt to drown out the rest of the smell.

***But it's still there...**

Frisk gritted their teeth and pulled themself up along the wall, leaning against it and lowering their forehead against the corner, still panting. Everything felt heavy and exhausted. But they could breath. They could really breath. Though they kept their guard up, waiting for The Other to act. But apparently they were true in their words. They really wanted Frisk to fail.

But they wouldn't. They couldn't... They'd... They weren't sure what they were going to do but... They weren't going to fight Sans again. The mere thought made The Other laugh loudly, feeling triumphant at what they were certain was Frisk's stupidity. Frisk reclosed their eyes, wanting the sound to stop. The laugh died down after awhile but Frisk could feel The Other sneering as they leaned in close.

_**You should get going**_ , The Other whispered against Frisk's year, and Frisk's eyes opened weakly.

They should... get going...

Something sad stabbed into Frisk's heart but their mind was still too fuzzy to fully comprehend why. But they obeyed. They began to stagger along the wall, their determination alone pulling them forward. It felt impossible, walking. But if they could pull themself back from the dead, they could make it to the end of the hall. To the door. Just to the door!

***You should just do what we came here to do.**

***It would save you a world of pain.**

Frisk wanted to try... To try...

***This is pointless.**

***But oh well.**

***You'll see that I'm right eventually.**

***My guess is in three minutes.**

***When he kills you again.**

It took them three minutes just to make the small trek to the Judgment Hall door, and another to open it. They staggered past the Save Star, and out into the middle of the room slowly, excruciatingly slow. They couldn't see. Couldn't see a thing. Was he even here?

"S-Sans?"

They froze in place as a blue flame erupted across from them, his single eye searing through them as they were surrounded with painful light.

[LOAD]

Frisk's hands immediately dropped the knife and their hands were pressed tightly to their chest as they breathed in quickly, their body suddenly a million times lighter and no longer exhausted. Frisk was tense though, waiting for The Other to pounce. But they didn't, instead The Other lingered beside them, the LOVE coiled and pleased.

***Sorry.**

***I was wrong.**

***Six minutes.**

Frisk may have no longer been physically exhausted but they were still shaking as they stood up completely. Frisk looked over their shoulder to where they knew Sans was waiting.

***Oh... And by the way.**

***102**

***Well, I guess technically 101 for you.**

***Judgment 101 with Professor Sans.**

***Hmm... Wonder if we've learned our lesson?**

Frisk took in a deep breath and walked steadily forward as they continued to tremble, the knife left behind.

***Ah. Guess not then**

***But don't worry. I'll be patient.**

***And I promise.**

***Once you're through with this nonsense...**

***Unlike him, I'll actually forgive you.**

Frisk's fingers were coiled together loosely as they pressed their lips together, tears in the back of their eyes.

He was never going to forgive them.

But... The thought of... not fixing it. The thought of... having him at least listen... He had to listen. He had to. It was the only thing they had. They... They couldn't do this alone. The thought of getting him to just listen.. It filled them with determination.

Sans was there waiting for them at the other end of Judgment Hall, his smile wide and twisted, more of a cringe than anything else. He didn't say a word though. No 'here we go'. Instead, he watched them almost curiously. Even as his gaze remained pointed and hateful.

Once he had stood across from them with a real smile. Once he had been proud of them. Once they had had the chance to do the right thing.

Frisk... Frisk wanted...

They were shaking uncontrollable, forcing their fingers together as they took a deep, but uneven breath. Their voice rose up nervously from their chest.

"Do you..." Their voice failed and their stomach turned anxiously. "Do you think even the worse person can change?" Frisk asked. They wanted to sound resolved, confident, but they voice was weak, going in and out. "T-That everyone can be a good person, i-if they just try?" His smile widened bitterly, his hatred flaring noticeably but Frisk was trying not to sniffle.

That question...

That question they had been pondering internally since the first time the two of them had stood here like this together, ready to fight.

That question...

They had tried. They had tried so hard. They'd been trying their entire life. But never ever been able to be a good person. If they had been... They would have been able to stay. They wouldn't have ever been killed. They would have never... Frisk's teary eyes landed on the red scarf.

Papyrus... He had never once killed them. He had kept his arms open to them no matter what. He had believed in them even in the end. Even after they had killed him. They wanted... Frisk wanted... They wanted to do better still. They wanted to go back! But... But...

"H-Here's a b-better question." Frisk stumbled. "Are those around them willing to help them?"

They couldn't do this alone.

They couldn't do this if Sans would always hate them.

And he so very much hated them. Because they deserved it. But... He had asked. He had asked them that question... And Frisk...

The tears were beginning to work their way down their cheeks, but Sans' chin was digging deeper into the red scarf and his eye searing through them.

"well we'll never know." He spat dangerously as the blasters formed. Frisk tensed as The Other hummed contently. "if you never **_reset_**."

The blasts were racing towards them, but Frisk's hand shot forward, his name on their lips.

Their Soul shattered.

Frisk was falling... Falling slowly through the darkness, but their Soul was grasped protectively against their chest. The Other was laughing triumphantly.

***And there's your 102...**

***I told you..**

***I told you you'd see.**

***But you _know_...?**

***I'm curious too.**

The Other felt close to Frisk's ear but Frisk couldn't see them in the darkness, only feel them. The LOVE sickly turning beside them.

***Why _not_ just RESET?**

***Huh?**

***Why does it even matter what he thinks here? Hmm?**

**It was both taunting and genuinely curious.**

***If you act all good, he can't actually touch you!**

***He's too lazy to begin with!**

***Too weak.**

***You could literally get away with murder!**

***Why?**

***Why does it even matter if he listens to you now or not?**

***Why not go back in time and talk to him without the dust of his _brother_ covering your hands?**

The Other humphed triumphantly when Frisk simply closed their eyes and pressed their Soul closer.

***It's because you already know the truth**

***You've killed his brother.**

***Nobody _ever_ forgives _anybody_ for that...**

***He's going to hate you**

***And himself**

*** Forever**

The laughter erupted again, all around them but Frisk had lifted their head weakly, trying to see The Other clearly, but couldn't... They could only feel the laughter reverberating against their Soul.

You should get going...

When they had woken up on the bed of flowers for the first time, they had sat their crying, scared, trembling. Staring at the ceiling, that hole that looked like jagged teeth wanting to devour them, feeling as if it almost had, the fact that they had almost died very real in their mind. They hadn't been sure what to do. But then...

_*You should get going..._

That prompting. They should get going. They hadn't been sure what to do but they could still stand up and get going. Just go.

Phantom hands... Arms... Once, they had helped Frisk pull their Soul back together. Once they had wrapped around Frisk so tenderly, so sorrowfully.. Once they had fallen away... Because Frisk had still wanted to Save. Still wanted to keep going, but...

_*But we can't..._

And then Frisk had fallen through time, the surface lost... But Frisk hadn't give up, it hadn't been Frisk... It had been...

_*You should get going..._

[LOAD]

Frisk's fingers were wrapped tightly around the knife. The Other lingered closely, excited to see what Frisk would do next as Frisk continued to shield their Soul and also their thoughts thoroughly.

Frisk stood in front of Sans, their head down as they gritted their teeth together. Their heart was racing. Because this was it. This was it. One last time. One last...

***That's right.**

***It doesn't matter that he doesn't get it!**

***It doesn't matter that nobody understands what we're doing or why.**

***Let's just get this over with...**

"here we go."

Frisk was breezing through his attacks with startling agility, their determination firm even as their heart raced away fearfully. Because this time.. This last time...

_"Six, right? We just have to get six..."_

_20, right? We just need to get to LV 20..._

The Other was cackling, the glee having fully returned.

***Finally!**

***A true partner!**

_"And we'll do it together, right?"_

They were supposed to do this together...

Their hand felt funny as it clutched the knife, as The Other pressed too closely to Frisk's Soul and Frisk continued to swing it, but half heartedly. They knew when it was going to actually be important to swing with all their might.

Sans was standing across from them, both panting slightly, both filled with utter dread. But he was talking. He was so unaware of the guarded thoughts racing through them.

"but just because you think you can, and because you 'can'... you 'have to'." He told them and Frisk resisted the urge to shake their head. No. No that wasn't it. That hadn't been it. It was the opposite. Just because they had to, they just had to... They could.

Sans had to listen. Frisk had to get him to listen... But... nobody ever listened... But they had to. This time, for sure, they _had to_. They didn't deserve it, at all, but they had to.

"but now, you've reached the end. there is nothing left for you now."

But there was nothing left... But... But... They knew it was selfish. They knew it was greedy, but...

"so, uh, in my personal opinion... the most "determined" thing you can do here? is to, uh, completely give up. and..." He was yawning and Frisk tensed a bit in alarm, as their grimaced deepened, knowing what was going to come next. "do literally anything else."

Frisk and Sans stood there together, both genuinely pleading with the other in their thoughts, as Sans' eyes began to drift closed.

***This is it!**

***Almost!**

He just had to listen. He just had to...

His head fell, his chin resting almost peacefully within the comfort of the scarf. Frisk's heart lurched. The scarf was wrapped around his neck like the warm arms of a ghost.

A phantom arm was draped over Frisk's shoulder and the other hand seemed to be clutching Frisk's wrist.

***Now's your chance!**

***Give him everything!**

***Kill him!**

***It's only right that in the end,**

***It's you who finishes this...**

But their hand was still tingling, The Other was still pressing close, so sickeningly excited. So inhumanly giddy. The tendrils of the LOVE were eagerly waiting around Frisk's Soul, so desperate to strike... So ready to fall over the edge of no return.

Frisk closed their eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, feeling surprisingly light as their eyes opened and they lunged forward.

Sans was teleporting out of the way, and The Other was laughing in utter triumphant glee as Frisk swung down with all their might.

"heh." Sans laughed, but Frisk's hand was still moving, the knife was still moving forward as their fingers opened wide and they threw it and The Other along with it.

***Wha-**

With all their determination Frisk twisted on their feet, their eyes immediately snapped up towards Sans who hadn't noticed a thing in that quick two seconds of motion. So sure-

"didja really think you would be abl-"

Frisk threw themself with all their might into him.

**_"-ooph!"_ **

Sans sputtered in surprise as he was forced to take a few steps back in order to keep his balance, as Frisk clung to him, their face buried into his hoodie, not daring to breathe.

Because this was it. This was their last chance. This was all they had left.

This was their final call for help...

And they didn't have any words for it. All they had were their desperate arms.

***HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

The Other was rolling, unable to contain themself as they slinked back closer again.

***You really think!**

***You really do!**

***This is priceless!**

***You still haven't given up!**

***You stubborn IDIOT!**

Externally, there was silence, and Frisk couldn't dare risk looking up to see what Sans was doing, of how hatefully he was looking down on them. All they could do was wait. Wait for the bones to rise up through their stomach or his hand to twist into their hair and fling them away. Waiting... It was the most awful feeling as The Other hovered over them, waiting with just the same amount of eagerness as Frisk had dread.

Because they didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve his hesitance and they knew it. They deserved to be dead. And stay dead. They should be dead...

The Other was right... They knew the truth. They should just end it. To end all of it. But to do so... To do so they would have to...

They were forced to take a breath, and they shook against him, their heart racing as their eyes remained closed and their face buried. Waiting... Begging silently. For him to listen. For him to just listen... _Please..._

"what is it that you _want_ , kid?" A sob escape their chest and they shuttered as the tears began to fall unable to stop. There was so much... So much they had wanted... But now. All they wanted was two very conflicting things. They just didn't know what to do.

"what is so important to you?" He pleaded.

The LOVE was squeezing against their Soul, The Other leaning in close.

_**He's just going to kill you**_ , The Other gloated in a whisper against Frisk's ear. **_He's asking, but he doesn't actually care. He just wants you to stop. And when you don't... He's just going to kill you again._**

Frisk was holding their breath for a moment, their heart still racing, afraid to speak still because last time all they had done was make everything worse by talking. But their silence didn't seem to do any better. Sans' hands were wedging their way out of Frisk's hold and The Other stirred righteously beside Frisk as Frisk panicked internally, as their arms retightened desperately.

"Please, don't..." They breathed. "Please..." Please, _please_...

Sans was rigid, his arms frozen for a moment before coming down slowly around them, one against their back, and the other wrapped around their neck dangerously. Frisk couldn't stop the sobs that were slipping out of them as they continued to wait. For those arms to yank them back and give them what they deserved. To start everything over again and this time, Frisk would fall... And they would never come back. Frisk wasn't so sure they didn't want him to, somewhere, somewhere inside them... Because if he did. If he did... They could finally quit. Finally... But... But if they did. If he did. Everyone... Everything would also-

"if you regret everything why won't you just **_reset_**?" Sans demanded once again, his anger rumbling against his ribcage and Frisk flinched as they buried themself deeper into his hoodie and couldn't stop shivering. "kid..." His voice had fallen almost softly, almost, just almost, as if he didn't hate them.

***But you know.**

***And he'll always know too.**

But Frisk didn't want to-!

"what is so important that you need me to under..." Sans paused and Frisk whimpered. "..stand?" He finished. His arms were suddenly tightening around them and Frisk flooded with alarm, waiting for the dropping sensation in their stomach as they flew threw the air onto bones, but.. they weren't. He was still holding them... He was holding them more tightly against his ribcage. Frisk broke.

The Other was watching, the LOVE turning darkly as they watched Frisk sob openly in Sans' arms, surprised he was taking this so far. He was sick. So sick... **They hated him.**

But Frisk was relaxing against him, each passing minute not some game in their mind, but a genuine chance. Like Papyrus' open arms... This was not another trick. It couldn't be. It just couldn't. If it was...

But they were determined. Determined to see this through. Frisk breathed in deeply as they forced themself to turn their head and rest their cheek against his chest. Frisk's racing heart was anxiously aware it could stop again at any moment if he decided. They didn't know what to say. There was so much to say. Too much to say... What could they even say? How could they ever _explain_ this? They couldn't, could they? It had no explanation. They'd just been so... They'd... Their eyes opened, the orange light blurred as they stared ahead vacantly.

"W-What did..." Their voice was hoarse and strangely distant, but still them. The fear was just making them hesitant. Because... Because they didn't deserve this. They were a... "Why did the demon murder the friendly skeletons?" They asked, their mind racing to Toriel, to the door, to shared jokes and a promise. He had promised. He had to remember he had promised. B-But...

***He's still going to hate you**

Frisk's voice cracked knowing The Other was right. He would hate them and they deserved it, and they had no right in invoking promises. That was selfish. Greedy. But that was what they were. And they had hurt everything. They had hurt everyone simple because-

"B-Because they were bonely." Frisk whimpered, barely keeping themself together for the moment. If they just Reset, he... They'd still be alone. They should just... Should just...

"that doesn't seem very funny, kid." Sans said, trying to keep his voice even.

"Because that's not the joke..." They whimpered again. "The joke is that they thought it would help." Their voice was strained as it all started to crush them again. "I just don't want to do this anymore..." Frisk's eyes closed tightly and they slumped brokenly against him, knowing that now they had said it, he would kill them. He would tell them to RESET. And they just couldn't!

But to both The Other and Frisk's surprise, he wasn't... He was still holding them, supporting their entire weight, even as he-

"i don't get it, kid." He admitted. And Frisk's heart suddenly fluttered in surprise. If he didn't get it, then why-

***Why isn't he-?**

Frisk dared to hope, to give in to the slightest bit of hope. Because if he didn't get it, but he wasn't killing them, that meant he... was trying to listen. It meant he truly had meant what he'd asked.

***But he never means it!**

***This is just another trick!**

***You should just give up!**

***Just quit it!**

"You keep telling me to quit..." Frisk whispered fearfully. "To give up.. but..." They squeezed their eyelids closed tighter, painfully. "This was me giving up."

It was true any way they looked at it.

Giving up on ending this.

Giving up on moving forward.

Giving up on the endless Resetting.

Giving up on everything...

They just wanted to...

They felt Sans tense beneath them and a strange pulse of magic that terrified them.

"i meant the resets, kid!" Frisk tried to twist their head and hide but they just couldn't get the strength to move that much. Because they knew. They knew that now... They hadn't before, but they knew... To give up and just accept what they had. That would have been the right thing. But... But now...

"I can't." Frisk whimpered. "I can't... There is no right answer. I can't save... save..." The shame helped them burry themself again and they stood there tensely, waiting... waiting for him to erupt. But he wasn't. Instead, he was earnest, despite the anger.

"this ain't the right answer, kid." Frisk continued to collapse, their eyes still squeezed shut as his disappointed words pressed down on them even more than the anger would have. The right answer... The right answer he had once genuinely believed they could find. "you know it isn't!"

"But... I can't find anything else. I can't..." They continued, he just had to understand. He just had to. But The Other was standing firm, sure of how all of this ended as Frisk spoke. He would never understand. He had to understand! This was all they had! This- "This is the only way I know I can stop it... The only way I know I can actually die!"

Frisk yelped and The Other laughed as his arms pressed against them, but... Their eyes were opened wide, his head against theirs as they stared at the ceiling. He... He was... Their eyes narrowed and Frisk was sobbing again. Their eyes pressed closed and his voice was soft against their ear.

"kid, just reset, it'll be okay. please..."

"You'll still hate me!" They sobbed aloud. "It doesn't matter if I go back you'll still hate me! I'm sorry... I'm..." They shook their head lightly, and he was loosening his grip, standing up a bit straighter and their head fell. "I can't do this alone! And you can never forgive me! Even if you forget! I can... I can never fix this. I'M SORRY! I just..." Their voice fell to a pitiful whisper. "I just want to stay dead... I don't want to do this anymore."

***Enough of this, Frisk...**

***Just enough!**

The Other was pressing against Frisk's Soul, impatiently now, but Frisk was tense, holding their Soul close, and The Other began to shake.

*What are you doing..?!

What were they doing?

***What is even the point?!**

This didn't matter. But then why? Why...?

"Why can't I just end it all? I'm already... I'm already here... There... there really is nothing left for me now. I've ruined everything!" They cried.

They'd ruined everything. Frisk had ruined everything. And Sans wasn't answering.

***Because he agrees.**

***He knows that it's all pointless too.**

***Just end it already!**

But they... But they didn't want... In order to end it... Frisk would have to... Frisk would have to hurt... All of them. Everyone. And Frisk didn't want to! They didn't want to do this anymore either! They couldn't! Because Frisk-

"I love you." Frisk whispered suddenly. "I love all of you!" Their voice shuttered but was firm. "I thought... I thought I hated humanity so much and I didn't even realize it wasn't all me! But in the end..." In the end... "I can't!" They were shaking their head as The Other began to press, desperate to flood them with LOVE, but Frisk tensed their shoulders. Refusing. They refused. No. They couldn't! They couldn't do this! They didn't want to! They had never wanted to and they wouldn't! Frisk loved them! Frisk loved-! But... "But I can't go back..." They said frantically. "You'll just hate me." They were slacking again, the despair seeping through them. "You do hate me." They could breath in the smell of dust. They deserved to be hated.. "You'll never forgive me... I can't... I can't even ask it." They said hollowly.

"you're right." Frisk's arms released Sans, falling to their sides as they gave up entirely, ready to die. Ready to fall- "but kid, what i said earlier, about what i thought the anomaly needed..." Sans began again to their surprise. "was that really all that bad? was it really not enough?"

It... It had been. It had been for Frisk, but-

"You weren't happy." They said, and they felt him shift his weight and they tensed, sure that this time, this time for sure he'd- But he wasn't. He was sliding backwards onto the ground, and they went along with him as their support buckled. They rested awkwardly against his legs, their forehead barely against his chest because they couldn't bare to look up at him. Because he hadn't been happy. And they had kept Resetting, determined to make him happy. And in the end.. "That was my fault... It's all my fault." They finished with a whisper. Everything was their fault.

"you want me to be happy, kid?" He asked and The Other rose up more.

_**This is the part**_ , The Other promised, and as Frisk shoved them away, Frisk lowered their head even more. Because Frisk was sure The Other was right.

"kid, all i need it papyrus. and..." He hesitated and Frisk was prepared, but unable to become tense to prepare for the blow. Because all he needed was Papyrus. All he needed was their painful death. All he needed was a R- "and maybe one day that can include you." They were suddenly tense now, their eyes wide as they looked down into his lap.

*W-What?

*This...

***This doesn't make sense!**

*I don't...

***I don't understand!**

Frisk didn't understand...

"kid, how about you promise me something?" Frisk's head was immediately up, their eyes still wide as they held their breath, expectantly. They would do anything. Anything he asked. Anything... Anything to make this right.

***But that's not how things work!**

***That isn't-**

Sans hesitated and both Frisk and The Other could see it.

"just... don't abuse my trust again, okay? and i'll work on the forgive and forget."

Frisk lost the ability to breath as their mouth parted in surprise, their eyes opened surprisingly wide. The Other was a wall of white shock. "i... i could use a little help on the forget part."

His smile twitched at the edges as he tried... He tried to give them a smile, a real one, as real as he could give. Frisk wanted to reach up and touch it, but they were frozen solid in place, still not really breathing as their heart raced.

"and just... when you're ready. remember that we don't need everything to be happy. as long as... as long as we don't give up?" Frisk's vision was blurring with tears and they lunged forward. "ooph-" He stumbled backwards a bit before he caught himself and they held on to him desperately. They'd wanted... He'd wanted... He was going to help them try. He wanted to try.

***HE'S LYING!**

***He's just tricking you!**

***He just wants a Reset!**

***THIS ISN'T REAL FRISK! HE MEANS NONE OF IT!**

Frisk tensed as The Other slammed into them and they shuttered from tears and resistance.

***You don't just forgive someone whose ruined everything!**

***You don't just forgive someone for destroying the only thing you care about!**

The Other... The Other was right. But... Frisk gritted their teeth together as The Other screeched and began to claw into Frisk again, forcing Frisk to tighten their grip. Sans wrapped his arms back around them and held them as well. Supporting them. And a determined energy rose up within Frisk's Soul.

You didn't just forgive people for things like this, and he hadn't, he'd simply promised to try. But only if they did. And... And Frisk would...

"I... I promise!" They declared. "One day... I'll stop the RESETs." Sans' ribcage rumbled against them as he let out a breathy chuckle, and they looked up to see the tears forming in his eyes, and Frisk felt resolved... He meant it. He meant this.

***NO. HE. DOESN'T!**

Their love banished The Other and the LOVE completely, shoving them away hard as Frisk once again Refused. Because they meant this. They meant this too. They would try, they wanted to try again. He was giving them this chance. This chance. This promise. And they promised too.

***NNOO AHHHH!**

"B-but... it might be awhile." Frisk admitted. Frisk bit down forcefully and they saw Sans' expression shift fearfully. Frisk was scared too. But... less scared than they had been before starting this timeline. Because... They didn't want to hurt everyone. This was right. This was the right thing.

***NO! NO! NO!**

***WE'RE HERE!**

***END IT NOW!**

The Other was screeching and clawing and Frisk's eyes opened wider with terror as they felt something shift, as they felt The Other gain leverage.

_**WE SHOULD END IT-** _

***NOW**

"They're _really_ angry." Frisk whispered, truly terrified at what was going to come next. Because now, forever was still a very long time. And anger? Anger was not the word for what The Other was flooding them with. The Other was the essence of rage, hatred, and LOVE, slamming into Frisk as Frisk leaned forward and clutched tightly to Sans. For a moment their vision blurred as The Other pulled, but Frisk squeezed their eyes shut. They had to do it. They had to do it now!

Time was spinning away from them, but suddenly they heard Sans' soft voice against them, even thought now distant.

"pap..." The name punctured through them, spoken so softly and hopefully, a stark contrast to The Other's raging, demonic screams.

"I'm sorry..." Frisk said again, their heart hurting. But... They were going to fix this. They were going to put everything back. For them... For all of them. For all the ones they loved.

RESET

.

Sometime during the story, Sans had laid down next to them, and Frisk had curled up against his ribcage as he'd held them close. They were sniffling against him now, but their voice had fallen silent. Sans was rubbing their back, knowing he wouldn't be able to move the rest of the night as they lay against his arm, but he didn't mind. With all of this... He doubted either of them would be sleeping through the night regardless. Even if he moved down stairs to the couch like he'd originally planned, they would be there, blanket in hand, trembling.

Nightmares were scary, but haunting memories were worse. Because even when you woke up, you couldn't comfort yourself with the mantra 'just a dream, only a dream'. Even if none of this had happened anymore, it still was more than just a dream.

"okay, frisk, okay..." He said softly, his voice weighted down as they let out another soft sniffle. "it's okay..."

"I'm sorry."

"sshh. i know, kiddo, i know... we're all safe now. we're all h-here..." Sans paused and Frisk lifted their sleeve to wipe against their nose. "f-frisk." He continued again. "there's somethin'... i have to ask, buddy..." Frisk's shoulders had tensed and they were staring at this shirt, not breathing. "is the other...?"

"That's why I have to finish the story." Frisk whispered, their voice hoarse from overuse.

That answer did not inspire confidence.

"frisk." Sans said almost a bit too firmly and he knew it by they way they coiled, their eyes squeezed shut.

"We're sorry. They're sorry." Frisk said, an edge of panic in their voice. "Please don't hate them Sans, please, don't..." Sans' pupils faded and his teeth pressed together uncertainly as something inside him turned sickly. "They're sorry. We're sorry. Please." They continued to whisper through soft whimpers. "You can't hate them, please, don't hate them... It's... It's not their fault. Not all of it, please... please..."

"shh." Sans said again, rubbing his hand up their back.

"It's not their fault.." He felt the anger seeping through him and into his voice.

"i was listening, frisk, i think i got a pretty good idea of what was going on." The Other tearing Frisk apart, dragging them down when they already were so broken. Frisk was trembling. "would you have even done half of that without them?" Sans asked. Frisk sniffled but opened their eyes.

"No..." They answered honestly. "But I didn't have to either..." They lifted their gaze fearfully. "They're sorry, Sans..."

"you really accept that?" Sans asked, his voice thin with anger still. Frisk's bottom lip trembled and they nodded.

"I forgave Asriel, didn't I?" Sans' sockets opened a bit in surprise, but then he sighed. They'd used his own words against him. "Y-You forgave me..." He closed his eyes and slumped tiredly against the bed.

"alright, alright..." He said through his exhaustion, but then he forced himself to open his eyes. "but you're safe, right? you promise me that?" Frisk nodded, their eyes half closed, but there was an urgency in their voice still.

"Don't hate them, please, don't..." They begged. Sans sighed again and closed his eyes.

"alright, frisk..." He whispered. "i promise to at least listen to the rest before passing judgement, okay?" He heard Frisk sniffle and shift, probably wiping their face again.

"O-Okay." They agreed and Sans breathed out heavily and forced his eyes open again.

"just later." He said. "now we gotta sleep. it's like... 3:30 in the morning." Frisk hummed in agreement as they closed their eyes, but a part of him heard a lingering whimper. Sans lifted his hand off of their back and wiped the hair out of their face and ran his thumb along their hair line. "we'll all be okay, frisk." He promised, hoping he wasn't lying in the end. "we'll all be okay..."

Frisk relaxed in his grasp and he rewrapped his arm around them but watched their face curiously.

They should be dead...

He should be dead...

Everyone should be...

How...?

But he knew the answer now.

They'd just loved everyone that much.

A part of him had always wondered what was stronger, LOVE or love...?

Guess he had his answer.

He rested his forehead against theirs and closed his eyes.

God, was he lucky...

* * *

 


	14. Affording To What If

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slightly different chapter for a slightly different path...

* * *

_"What more could you have done?"_

_"i don't... i don't know. but somethin'."_

There was no point in playing 'what if', no point in saying 'if only'.

No point. No point at all.

Not really...

...

..

.

Except...

The guilt.

Frisk's words rumbling around in his skull as he lay there drifting in and out of sleep...

There was still no point.

Sans just couldn't help it..

"THEN, LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN HANDLE MY FABLED 'BLUE ATTACK'!"

Sans was watching the duo from a distance, something twisting sickly inside him; anxious. He didn't exactly have a _bad_ feeling about this. At least, he didn't feel like anything bad had happened here before, but he knew for a fact he had surely been here. It wasn't _new_.

Nothing was ever new...

Except...

The kid... They were supposed to be determined, right? They were supposed to be indomitable. They were supposed to be some weird anomaly able to twist the very fabric of time like their plaything...

But then why did they just look like a very sad, little kid?

He had noticed it the moment they had exited the Ruins, they had looked like they were in autopilot, or other times barely moments away from crashing down onto their knees, never to stand up again.

Something about that thought, about that image was familiar to him somehow. But there they were. Standing across from Papyrus. Ready to Fight. Ready to keep going regardless.

Sans just wasn't sure. He wasn't sure what it was he was supposed to do. They weren't happy. They just weren't happy. And an unhappy, bored anomaly was bad news. He just wasn't sure what he could do to make it new, to make them stop... He didn't know what it was that they wanted. He just... He just didn't know.

Maybe that was why he was watching the Fight... He felt like... That while it wasn't new, it was something he didn't do typically.

The kid was keeping their fingers tightly fisted and their lips seemed to be pressed together painfully as they let Papyrus' light blue bones pass through them without any obvious affect, but he could tell by their face that they knew what was coming, that they were preparing themself. Only for that preparation to fall through.

They were crashing downward, and he could tell by their widening eyes and frightful gasp that they were also, finally, crashing mentally. The change was so drastic in their expression. Their heavy expression was now open and frantic as tears were pooling uncontrollably in their eyes as their mouth fell open wide. Their chest was going up and down too quickly and they were having difficulty breathing as they landed forcefully on their knees and the final white bone struck them. They seemed unable to lift themself up off of the ground and they were quickly sobbing openly.

Sans felt his magic twisting uncomfortably in his ribcage. He didn't know what to do... He didn't know what he _could_ do. What he hadn't before and what was the same. All he had were all of these useless feelings, all these things that he just knew and yet couldn't remember. Like how he knew they hadn't always been like this and yet it wasn't new either. How he knew that they could talk, that he had once heard it, even though they hadn't said a thing to him this entire timeline. To anyone that he could tell. But he knew they could. He knew they had a voice.

He knew they could laugh...

He knew that he wanted to hear it.

But right then all he had was their sobs, half buried in the snow as they crumbled. As if something other than bone had crashed down upon them.

"H-HUMAN?" Papyrus called out, sounding concerned. Sounding very _scared_. Sans felt scared too, but he wasn't one hundred percent sure why.

Scared for them? Or scared of them? It seemed to be a little bit of both.

They had been Resetting... But when he had woken up the day before to a new Reset he had known that they hadn't gotten all the way through. And now he was getting why. They looked so broken kneeling there. They looked too much like a little kid... The anomaly really was a little kid. A sad little kid...

What was he supposed to do? What could he do?

It didn't... It didn't matter, did it? It really didn't matter. If they were unhappy they were just going to Reset again. But... it just didn't seem to be working for them.

It definitely wasn't working for Sans.

Maybe he was just projecting. Maybe he was reading too much into this.

But they were falling down onto their hands and lowering their head closer and closer to the snow beneath them. Their small back shaking as sobs ripped through them. They suddenly fell entirely into the snow, their limbs giving out beneath them. Papyrus was immediately rushing towards them now and holding them up, out of the cold snow that was soaking through their sweater. They couldn't stop crying as Papyrus held them by the shoulders.

"HUMAN?!" They didn't move, they were only sitting up because Papyrus had made them. When he relaxed his grip they were resting against him, taking in deep, broken breaths. Sans couldn't see their face from where he was and he strained to hear if they were trying to say anything. They weren't. And it sounded as if their crying was fading again as their Soul returned to its vibrant red and then disappeared back into their chest.

His brother was picking them up, asking them if they were alright, but now Sans could see their face. It was blank again, their eyes were losing any light they had gained. They looked like they weren't even there, that they couldn't hear a word Papyrus was saying...

Sans felt heavy... Useless. Absolutely useless.

Sans watched nervously from his room, the door cracked open just enough that he could see. They were resting on the brothers' couch just the same as they had been in Papyrus' arm. They were completely motionless as they stared at the cushions, so their back was facing the rest of the house; alone even as Papyrus fretted over them.

Papyrus just didn't know what he could do. If he could do anything... And neither did Sans. It was pointless, after all.. He just...

Sans shut the door and sighed, resolving not to care anymore. It would just Reset again if they were unhappy... He'd take a nap. And when he woke up he would either be two days in the past without a single memory of this, or they would be gone, on their way to their next battle and Sans would follow.

He would wake up from his nap, not feeling at all refreshed, maybe even heavier. Because he would remember and that meant a Reset hadn't happened and he still had work that didn't matter to do. Because his couch would be empty and he'd have to go find them again...

He was right, of course. When he woke up they were gone from the couch, from the house, off to Waterfall, running away from their own thoughts. Unable to accept them. Unable to give up. Then they had been on the surface, fighting against themself. Fighting against the vicious voice in their head, only to fail. Only to come back determined to be free. Somehow. Someway.

But if they hadn't...

If they just hadn't left!

If they just hadn't picked themself off of the couch like any other normal person who had lost everything. If they had just... _given up_.

Sans would have awoken from his nap, not feeling at all refreshed, maybe even heavier. Because he could remember. And that meant a Reset hadn't happened and he had work to do. Because his couch would be empty and- and his couch would be...

Sans would have paused in surprise. Sans would have stood there a moment staring at them.. At their back still be turned towards the rest of the house, unmoving, like a corpse...

Sans walked down the steps and found Papyrus in the kitchen, cooking furiously at the stove, the spaghetti burnt beyond recognition, but made with a very frantic love.

"sup?" He asked, as if he hadn't seen the human slumbering nearly lifelessly on their couch, as if he wasn't scared out of his wits. Because _he had seen this before_. He had seen them slumped down against something, unable to really move, looking so defeated. He'd seen it.

"SANS!" Papyrus cried in as much of a whisper as he could manage as he turned to his brother. "HELP ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" His brother's eyes were glancing over towards the couch and Sans felt like he was being stabbed through the sternum at the terror in his brother's eyes. "I THINK THE HUMAN IS SICK." Sans followed Papyrus' eyes.

Y-Yeah...

The panic was beginning to build underneath his ribcage. If he had an actually heart it would have been pounding against his chest. Because until his brother had said it, the word hadn't entered his mind. Or at the very least he hadn't let it. Sad was one thing, sad he could fix, maybe, with some jokes. But sick... But...

"SANS..." Papyrus began again nervously and Sans was cringing as he turned back towards him. "CAN HUMANS... FALL DOWN?"

The lights in Sans' eyes involuntarily shut off and he saw Papyrus' panic rising. Sans had to work fast, to put his face back together, but... That was definitely a better way to describe it, wasn't it?

"n-not... not exactly, bro." Sans told him, the lights in his eyes returning even if it was forced for Papyrus' sake. But Papyrus was not relieved in any way.

"SANS WHAT DO I DO?! THIS IS MY FAULT! I HAVE BROKEN THEM!

No.

"no." Sans jumped in quickly, adamant. "no, you didn't, they-" They... This wasn't new. Not new at all.

The timeline... That last Reset, it had Reset before they had finished, Sans was sure of it. Sans had seen them slumped down, weight crushing them, before. Sans had... Had seen... Had...

He'd just been willing to sit back. To watch them move through The Underground. To keep quiet, feeling hopeless, just hoping it would all eventually stop. But... Now they weren't moving at all. Sans didn't think they could.

Because something had been building up, growing, over the Resets. Because it hadn't always been this way. Something was wrong. And Sans had let it get wrong. Because now Papyrus was looking at them the same way he had looked at Sans Resets and Resets ago. Back before the kid had even shown up. This face that killed Sans. This face that haunted him even when he shouldn't remember it. But he did. He knew this face. It was in his nightmares. Papyrus' utter terror. The main reason Sans always kept a smile despite not feeling it. The reason he kept going, kept getting out of bed and following the kid despite it not mattering. Because something still mattered, one thing: Papyrus.

But suddenly...

"p-pap." Papyrus' eyes were wide and glued to him, needing Sans to tell him what to do because he had nothing left. There was a sickening sensation in Sans' not-stomach, something rising up in his chest as he continued to feel light and nervous.

What could he say? What could Sans say to explain this to his brother? All the other times he had said something it hadn't mattered because Papyrus would forget and it didn't- It hit him like a ton of bricks and Sans gritted his teeth together as he tensed, trying not to let it show on his face, but his not-stomach flipped and he felt incredibly sick.

Sleeping, walking like the world was about to crush them, worrying his brother even as tried to just keep moving forward in anyway... That description. It could fit either them or Sans. And as Sans refocused on his brother, Sans felt lighter, his magic racing through him as he tried to think through what he was going to say, but it was impossible.

And it hurt because Sans knew he was about to scare Papyrus even further. It scared Sans because what he was going to say was new, and he could feel it. And there was a sickening prick of guilt. Because he felt as if it shouldn't be new. He'd messed up. He'd really messed up hadn't he? It just hadn't occurred to him.

It hadn't occurred to him that he had seen this situation before, just never from the outside. He'd been so caught up in his own mess that he hadn't seen what was right in front of him. The similar mess the kid was in.

He hadn't realized before that he couldn't afford not to care anymore.

"paps, there's somethin' i have to ask you."

"WHAT?" Papyrus pounced, desperate for anything.

"i need... you to leave me alone with the kid." Papyrus' face fell; shocked and horrified and almost betrayed.

"B-BUT! THEY _NEED_ ME-"

"yes." Sans said, and the realization was blooming fully in his chest. "yes, pap they need you." He said earnestly. Needed him like Sans needed him, oh god they- "th-they need you. they need _us_. b-but for right now... i need to talk to them, paps. i need to talk to them alone. it's... it's important." Sans' expression was pleading. There was so much Papyrus couldn't understand. So much that Sans wanted to protect him from. So much that even if Sans were to talk to him about things, he wouldn't fully feel comfortable doing so. Papyrus just couldn't understand. Couldn't be told everything. "please, paps, please go for a walk." Sans begged again. "i'll text you when i'm done."

God! It was killing him seeing Papyrus give him that face. Hurt and worried and betrayed as the two of them stood there together in the kitchen, surrounded by the smell of irredeemably burnt spaghetti, and a sick tension.

"S-SANS..." Papyrus' hurt expression deepened. "WHY DOES NOBODY EVER TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG?" Sans' expression fell again in surprise and then he was cringing deeply. "YOU, UNDYNE... YOU BOTH ALWAYS LIE TO ME, OR AT LEAST DON'T TELL ME THINGS... I... I JUST WANT TO HELP. WHY CAN'T I EVER HELP?" Sans really was going to be sick...

"y-you do help, paps. you do." Sans said, meaning all of it. "but for right now..." What could he say? Sans could only keep cringing and look at his brother. "please paps, i... i promise to tell you later, i promise. but for now... i just don't know what is going on fully but... please." Sans repeated again. Papyrus' shoulders slacked in defeat and he was looking past Sans and towards the human on the couch. The one he so wanted to call his friend. To help. Then he was looking back at his brother, and Sans could see the decision to trust, though being left out still hurt him deeply.

"O-OKAY." Papyrus said reluctantly and Sans felt relieved, sort of. No, not really. "I WILL GO BUY NEW INGREDIENTS FOR THEIR SPAGEHTTI. SOMETHING HAPPENED WITH OUR OVEN THIS TIME." Sans could see the several wasted attempts. "THE LAST FEW TIMES." Papyrus remedied.

"thank you, paps." Sans said weakly. Papyrus began to leave, but he hesitated, his gaze lingering on the human weighed down on the couch. Papyrus took a deep breath and left without another word. A scary detail that alarmed Sans, but he closed his eyes and rolled his shoulders as if that could help him ignore it. Sans' eyes opened and he watched the kid from the kitchen for another few moments.

_"If a human ever comes through this door... could you please, please promise something? Watch over them, and protect them, will you not?"_

Sans felt shaky as he moved closer, his cringe still there as he stood over them. The kid's eyes were closed and even in their sleep they looked broken. They looked motionless, the only sign of movement the slight up and down of their chest, so slight, almost as if it wanted to stop.

"k-kid..." Sans lifted a hand out and grasped their arm. He shook lightly. "kid?" There was a sudden tense jerk, their shoulders hiking upwards and their eyes opening wide as a flash of panic filled them. Sans released them and held out his hands. "woah. woah, there... just me." He said urgently. "it's just sans." The panic was seeping out of them and left nothing in its place. Their brown eyes shifted upwards and Sans froze in place, not breathing. Their gaze was so dead... so heavy and defeated as they stared up at him blankly. As if they couldn't feel a thing...

Sans' not-stomach dropped and so did his expression. Because he had seen this exact look before. And he had seen it from them, from a similar angle with him looking down at them. And them turning their head back away from him, as if what he had said didn't even matter. Because it was just Sans. Just Sans and it didn't matter.

None of this was _new_.

Sans breathed in to speak but then hesitated, his mind racing. To find something new. To find something. This mattered. This actually mattered. He had to say something. But what could he do? Everything he did was pointless. He was just Sans. Everything he did would never stop the Re...

With that new weight and new direct hit Sans turned around and slid down, so his back was against the couch, staring out towards the kitchen.

He didn't know what to do. He still didn't know what to do. But there was one thing he could try. One thing he had never allowed himself to try before because he couldn't afford to give up all his cards. But perhaps... He was already helpless anyways. Already useless. He had no cards left. This was all he had. And maybe... maybe by giving it up, he was finally actually keeping his promise.

His shoulders were already coming closer together as he cringed, his magic tight uncomfortably. He brought his gaze closer, to the floor ahead of him.

"kid..." He started slowly, his voice a whisper. "why?" He asked, and he lifted his head a bit, staring at the wall just above the television. "why won't you just stop the resets?" He heard them tense behind him, become rigid on the couch. Sans had to let out a breathy chuckle.

There is was. He couldn't take it back. They knew for sure that he knew and they would always know. He was officially powerless. His hand was empty. But it was suddenly a relief. It was almost freeing. A weight was slipping off of him. But he was suddenly scared for what they would answer. If they even did. Because what if there wasn't a point to all of this? What if there _was_?

They were silent on the couch with their back facing his. He let out another breathy chuckle.

This still didn't matter did it? Can it?

But... It did this time. It had for a long time. Because when he looked at them, when he saw them.. He could finally see how much they look like him. How they looked like how he felt beneath his mask.

"i'm so sorry, kid..." Sans said suddenly, the words slipping out of him, hushed and genuine. There was another tense pause, but then.. They were twisting and Sans looked over his shoulder to see them looking over their shoulder, their eyes impossibly wide with shock. Sans' cringe widened and he glanced away, unable to keep their gaze, and he looked down at his legs. The lights in his eyes were gone. "i don't know what to do. why you're doing this. why you're destroying yourself like this. i don't... i just don't _understand_." He continued, and now the words were just pouring out of him. If he was saying all of this, he had better say it all. "i don't understand what you _want_!" He lifted his hands against the sides of his skull as he leaned forward. "you're killing me, and i just... you can't understand how all of this feels." He breathed. "to not be in control of your own life. your own memories. to not be able to talk to anyone." He paused, knowing as he said it... that that can't be true. "when i look at you right now... you really hate the resets just as much as i do." He admitted. "but i don't understand. i don't! but if..." The guilt was eating away at him, gnawing at his bones, and when he continued to talk, his voice was thin and he sounded like he was on the verge of crying. Maybe he was. "but if i've been leaving you alone to deal with shit i can barely handle with papyrus, then... i'm sorry, kid. i'm sorry. i just don't know what to do. i don't... please, kid..."He forced himself to lift his head up but couldn't force the lights in his eyes to refocus. The despair was consuming him, he really didn't know what to do. "if you hate it, why won't you just stop! what is so important-"

Their arms were around his neck and Sans froze solid. Their face was buried against his shoulder and hood and he could just barely see the top of their head in his peripheral vision. Their frame shook. Their arms were tight and their fingers clutching desperately into the fabric against his chest. A loud sob escaped against his hoodie from behind... Sans' eyes closed as he lifted his arms and brushed his fingers gently against theirs. Their fingers opened and closed, gathering more fabric, as if he would somehow vanish beneath them if they didn't. Sans' fingers moved up along their arms and grasped at their sleeves, suddenly just as tightly, just as desperately as they continued to sob heavily behind him. As they realized that they weren't fully alone.

Papyrus slipped in nearly a half hour later, groceries in hand, his gaze immediately on the couch in concern. The kid was asleep again, Sans having shifted to make it slightly more comfortable. Sans hadn't gotten any answers, but he was content to not move. Their sleep was less broken and weighted down. One arm was still draped around him and the other was tucked beneath their neck as they breathed in shakily but strongly, their lips parted. But despite the stuffed up nose, they looked so much better.

Sans had his head tilted back, his eyes half lidded as he stared up at the ceiling.

A tension had somehow released. Whatever had been growing had suddenly deflated. Sans felt so much relief and even a tad hopeful. It felt as if he had defused a bomb. Somehow, something had changed. He felt like the weight that had slipped off of his chest wouldn't be coming back...

He would have turned his head towards Papyrus and known that he would never be able to get another chance to talk to the kid alone. He would have known he would have had to spill everything, but suddenly... it felt okay. Everything ahead felt new and twinged with lingering hope. His call for help having been heard as he had finally seen through theirs.

All they had needed was somebody to talk to. To be listened to.

But in the end...

None of that had happened.

Woulda. Couldla. Shoulda.

It hadn't happened.

They hadn't called for help. Frisk hadn't. Sans hadn't... Instead, it all went to hell. Instead... They had held on just a little too long. Instead they faced it all alone. Instead...

They had escaped the mountain alone and hadn't Loaded. Instead they had knelt in the dust, sobbing as the sun set and they knew, just knew they couldn't go back this time, not yet.

They had climbed down the mountain nobody was said to come back from... Physically. Alone.

But in their mind they were still there in a grave of flowers, choking.

In their mind they were still stuck.

In their mind they were still fighting. Trying to come up with a solution.

They had climbed down the mountain... but in doing so they had just begun to bury themself even deeper.

Sans' eyes opened, his arms wrapped around them on his bed on the surface in the darkness. The dream he had just had was slipping away from him, whatever it was. Only the regret lingered.

Frisk whimpered in their sleep and he adjusted himself, shushing them lightly and they tried to relax.

If Sans had just opened up... Offered to listen earlier. If Sans had just realized what he was looking at. Hadn't been such an idiot. If he had just called out to the one person who could understand and who needed him to understand in return. If they had just been that much less determined. Asriel had been right. That determination had been their downfall.

But even in his half asleep mind, Sans knew that wasn't right...

If they had been less determined, but just determined enough to get themself off of the couch. If they had been less determined, but just determined enough to make it to Judgment Hall and face off against him... He would have stayed dead. Everything would have ended. So in the end, it was good that they were determined... That they had been determined enough to keep caring even though it had been seemingly impossible.

It was their downfall. But it was also their salvation.

God he really was lucky. He was just so, so lucky... Because if it had been left up to him...

They're there. They're there. Both of them are there. Sans reclosed his eyes and rested his chin against the top of their head. Dear god they're both there...

The room was suddenly bright and Sans groaned, thankful he didn't have muscles to feel stiffer than he already did. He had no clue what time it was, but the sun was clearly high in the sky. Frisk's eyes opened a bit at his movement and then flinched, their hand rising up to their head as they reclosed their eyes. Sans had to chuckle a bit softly.

"that's what happens when you stay up crying all night and then sleep." He told them. Their eyes opened and they still looked absolutely miserable. He groaned again as he turned over. The sun was really high in the sky. Maybe it was past noon. He nudged his arm. "gotta get up, frisk." He heard them huff and he wondered if they had lost their voice.

The two of them made their way to the kitchen, clearly past noon, and Sans got them another glass of water. They sat at the new kitchen table kicking their feet as they took steady sips and he began to crack some eggs. French toast, easy enough as long as he didn't burn anything.

"SANS!" Papyrus said loudly, kicking the front door open. "YOU'RE COOKING?!" Frisk jumped, flinching in pain. "FRISK!" Papyrus cried noticing them. "I WAS UNAWARE YOU WERE HERE!" He said excitedly. Then he began to notice the state they were in. In their PJs with a blanket wrapped around their shoulders as Sans made what looked too much like breakfast. Papyrus' face was wide in horror. "OH NO!" He declared. "SANS' HABITS HAVE INFECTED YOU!" Despite the pain in their expression, Frisk breathed out a soft laugh.

It was the best sound Sans had ever heard.

Sans slid the pieces of bread onto a plate for them and got out the syrup as Papyrus asked if they were sick, and they tried to croak out their answer to no avail, their voice really was lost from last night's endeavor.

"they're just a little worn out, bro." Sans said for them, but the truth was... They looked so much better. And in the light of day, it was easier to breath. To move forward and set the plate in front of them without much extra effort on his part... Though the guilt was still there. But... You can't change what you did or didn't do. You can only focus on the now, the present... Cuz in the end... you can't _really_ go back. Not even Frisk could do that.

And as he later joined Papyrus and Frisk on the couch to enjoy some mindless entertainment, Frisk wrapped up in the same blanket and Papyrus' arms, Sans was resolved, _determined_ even... If he couldn't change the past, he would at least give it his all to make sure the future was different.

He'd keep his promise this time.

They would feel loved no matter what. No matter how bad it got.


	15. Affording To Sea You Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part II

"ALL RIGHT, PUNKS! Everybody gear up and move out!" Undyne called loudly and there was the turning of engines and trucks roaring to life. Sans heard Undyne laugh triumphantly even over the slightly deafening sound, and when he caught a glimpse of her face, he didn't think he had seen her smile that wide since The Barrier had been broken. "Hey, Papyrus!" She called suddenly. "Better make sure your little CLOWN car doesn't get ran over cuz you're SLACKING."

"I WILL ALLOW NO SUCH THING!" Papyrus declared as he got closer to the vehicle, his hand on his hip. Sans was already inside, his legs crossed with feet on the dash though he knew Papyrus would soon complain. Sans rested back and closed his eyes, his smile constant on his face. "AND THE ONLY SLACKING CLOWN IN MY CAR IS SANS!" Sans snorted softly to himself.

"Hey yo! Wait up!" Sans' eyes opened and he turned his head as he lowered his legs off of the dashboard to watch the two kids rushing towards the car.

"FRISK! LITTLE MONSTER FRIEND! IT'S ABOUT TIME! NEH HEH. WE MUST TEACH THE TWO OF YOU ABOUT PUNTUALITY! EVEN SANS BEAT YOU HERE!"

"had to get an early start on that nap." Sans interjected.

"UGH! BUT REGARDLESS. WE COULD HAVE LEFT WITHOUT YOU!"

"Would you really?" Frisk asked, and Sans eyed them, having heard the real concern.

"he's just teasing, frisk." They glanced his way, their cheeks reddening.

"WELL OF COURSE I AM! JUST LIKE UNDYNE IS TEASING ABOUT RUNNING US OVER." Papyrus paused. "AT LEAST I HOPE." There was a sound of a truck engine revving excitedly and Papyrus stood up straighter. "EVERYONE IN THE CAR." He declared pointing towards the sky. Frisk rushed to help MK onto their shoulders and the little monster slide into the back seat and then Frisk was lifting themself up and in as Papyrus sat down in the driver's seat. "SEATBELTS!" Frisk helped MK with theirs and Papyrus pulled out his key with dramatic flare before he started up the car.

"ALRIGHT! MOVE OUT! Dreams are getting realized, punk!" Undyne shouted from the truck behind them before she sat back in through the window next to the human driver and Alphys who was squished between them. Toriel was somewhere in the chaos, Sans figured in the second truck, keeping an eye on things, and Asgore was somewhere else. Which left Papyrus and Sans with the two kiddos.

The smaller red car began to move forward. The trucks behind them began to honk as their wheels began to turn and an uproarious cry came from their backs. They were on their way...

"We were looking at the tanks!" MK offered excitedly. "They're huge!"

"they gotta be. the monsters in 'em ain't exactly the smallest."

"Onionsan is so happy." Frisk offered. "Wouldn't stop talking." They let out a small, airy laugh. They were kicking the back of Sans' seat, he could feel them, but he didn't think they were even conscious of it.

"SO THAT WAS WHY YOU WERE LATE. WELL. GUESS IT WOULD BE RUDE TO CUT SUCH CONVERSATIONS SHORT." MK was twisting in the seat, looking back at the convoy following them.

"I think I can see Undyne in the truck." MK looked over to Frisk. "Yo! Wave for us!" Frisk was twisting and lifted both of their hands over their head and shook them. The truck honked loudly and the two kids squealed.

"EVERYONE SIT CORRECTLY!"

"But I just can't!" MK complained even as the two kids twisted back obediently. "The ocean!"

"The ocean!" Frisk agreed.

"the ocean, paps."

The ocean...

"SAFETY!"

The others laughed together but Papyrus seemed serious even though he seemed just as excited.

It had been two months and two weeks since The Barrier had been broken and now here they were. The first major decision that the humans and monsters had made was the setting up of the "Monster Town" at the base of the mountain, the second had been what to do with the water monsters that were seemingly stuck under the mountain with nowhere else to go. But now, the Underground was truly empty. Well... Mostly. But for the moment, Sans chose to ignore that. At the moment the focus was on this, this success and how speedily it had been brought about. Guess that had to do with Toriel and Asgore's resolve to get everyone up to the surface as soon as possible. They had gotten an agreement to let the water monsters live on the edges of a national park until more permanent solutions were figured out.

That seemed to be the thing, Sans noticed. "Temporary" and "until". Those words seemed to be everywhere. And he hated them. Because when he heard them he couldn't help but think about the little human kid in the backseat and now for several reasons. Temporary until a Reset, or temporary until they got sent away again. Sans closed his eyes a bit. Being here wasn't temporary, he reminded himself. There were no more Resets. They weren't being sent away. They weren't. They wouldn't.

But for temporary measures, it was probably the best one they could ask for. With the location being in and around the national park the wildlife services had been pulled in to agreeing on checking in and calling if there were any apparent problems. And... Undyne would be there... making sure there _weren't_ any problems.

Sans would be tempted to scoff at the temporary aspect of all of this if it weren't for the fact Undyne was involved. It was a six hour drive from Mount Ebott to the coast and he got the idea her long distance relationship would add fuel to her fire in getting something better and more permanent worked out and set up.

But for now everyone was optimistic regardless. And excited for a weekend together by the sea.

"Wait! Our clothes!" Frisk cried suddenly.

"DO YOU DOUBT THE GREAT PAPYRUS?!"

"tori already put in the trunk and then came by to recheck if she had packed everything like five times." Sans said, though it had only been twice.

"AND I ANOTHER THREE." That... was the actual case.

"Oh." Frisk said, and he heard them turning in their seat again, watching the trucks. "I wonder if she's okay." He heard them say softly.

"tori's fine." Sans assured. "though i think she has been a bit too stressed out for a vacation."

"THIS IS NOT A VACATION!" Papyrus declared. "THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT WORK THAT JUST ALSO HAPPENS TO BE SUPER FUN!"

"Well once the moving in part and ceremony are done, it'll be a vacation." Frisk said.

"The best vacation ever!" MK budded in. "Though, I guess it is also my first."

"Mine too..."

"I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON VACATION IN MY LIFE AND NEVER SHALL!"

"i'm always on vacation."

"SANS!"

The kids were laughing together and Sans' smile widened though he was still hung up on the way Frisk had mentioned this also being their first vacation.

 _"I've never seen the sea before."_ Frisk had said when bombarded with questions from their classmates, MK included. Some just couldn't wrap their head around it. The fact you could be on the surface and not have seen everything. Some of them just couldn't wrap their head around just how big the surface really was. How big the _world_ was.

When Papyrus and Sans had gotten their licenses and then very quickly the car afterwards, Papyrus had spent forever driving around, and had vented loudly as Sans had passed him by on his tricycle because Sans had only had his car license and not his tricycle license. Sans had watched his brother offer everyone he could a joy ride, and it had been interesting to watch it sink in to a few of his passengers. That they could drive and keep driving. Forever. Until they ran out of gas of course, and Papyrus had indeed ran out of gas. Calling Sans with embarrassment at not having been watching the gauge. But now he had learned his lesson. They would never run out of gas again or any of the necessities. He was prepared for any emergency. Absolute total control. Now all there really was left to do was drive. Drive until the road ended. Ended along the sea.

"DOES ANYONE NEED A STOP?!" Papyrus kept asking every few exits and the answer was always the same, no, but three hours into it, both the little red car and convoy pulled into the large truck stop. MK and Papyrus got out and Sans drug himself out of his seat as well, closing the door behind him as MK and Papyrus were already running forward towards the now stopped trucks to interact with everyone else. Sans paused, seeing Frisk still in their seat, the belt secure in place, their fingers against it firmly as they watched MK and Papyrus go.

"uh..." Frisk turned their head quickly towards Sans. "it's time to get out?" Sans tried.

"But I don't have to go." Frisk said quickly. "I've only been eating monster food all day."

"it's not about that, it's about stretching your legs. you got them muscles to worry 'bout." Frisk had glanced away then, and Sans suddenly realized he wasn't putting something together. The way they looked... He leaned up against the car. "hey..." Frisk unbuckled without responding or even acknowledging he had tried to engage with them again and stood up, their face away from him as they got out of the car and running forward after MK and Papyrus. As if nothing had happened. As if they had never hesitated. As if they couldn't wait to get away from him and his questions. Sans sighed and lowered his head a bit. This kid... It was a freaking roller coaster. Or so that was how the saying went. Sans wouldn't know for sure.

When everyone piled in to the car ten minutes later, Frisk's head was still down as they slipped into their seat.

"frisk?" Their head finally lifted and their brown eyes met his. But MK was sliding in beside them, chatting away and Sans couldn't ask anything that he wanted to...

...

..

.

Sans was asleep when the loud, continuous blaring of horns and yelling jolted him away.

"Look at it! Look at it!" MK was shouting from behind Papyrus, almost jumping out of their seat. Sans turned his head and yeah, there it was...

The ocean.

The light of the sun overhead was shimmering against it and it was more white to Sans than the expected blue.

"IT'S MAGNIFICENT!"

"yeah..." Sans breathed, but after a moment he pried his eyes off of it to look back over his shoulder and onto the other kid behind him who was still silent. Frisk was staring out over the door as they leaned against it. There was a huge smile on their face but tears in their eyes that shimmered just like the sea as the sunlight reflected off of them. They caught Sans staring and when their eyes met his their smile widened impossibly, their head tilting back a bit as the joyful light in their eyes danced.

_"I wasn't going to break The Barrier..."_

"Frisk!" MK was pressing closer, their seatbelt stretched so far they might as well not have been wearing it. "Yo!" MK was suddenly alarmed as Frisk turned to look at them. "Are you crying?"

"N-no." Frisk said even as they lifted their hands to wipe at their eyes.

"What's wrong?" MK asked, concern slipping into their voice.

"they're just happy, kiddo." Sans was watching Frisk with a warm expression. "sometimes ya just gotta cry and sometimes it isn't all bad."

"I CRY ALL THE TIME!" And from the sound of it Sans figured he was about to as well but was keeping it together because he was driving. "EVERYBODY SHOULD CRY ON OCCASION. CRYING JUST MEANS YOU FEEL SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY DEEPLY AND THAT YOU CARE." MK was turning their attention back to Frisk, smiling again.

"Oh!" MK put their forehead against Frisk's neck. "You need to hug for us." Frisk laughed shakily as they wrapped their arms around their friend and squeezed. The two kids untangled and the watched the ocean again, MK's chin on Frisk's shoulder as they tried to get as close as possible, and this time Papyrus wasn't shouting about proper seating. Sans turned back towards the ocean as well, and the back of his eyes felt funny now too.

They were there... They were going to stay there...

He felt a huge weight slipping off of him, and there in the shimmering sunlight and the smell of salt, he knew and finally believed... The Resets were really done.

"Yo!" MK exclaimed. "Are you crying now too?" Sans turned and saw the two kids watching him, Frisk slightly terrified until they saw his face and he gave them a real smile. Their eyes opened wide in shock but after a moment they reached up and touched it.

Sans chuckled against their fingers as he closed his eyes for a moment and he rested his chin against the back of the seat. When he reopened his eyes he wished he hadn't closed them to begin with because he had missed Frisk's transformation, he had missed the utter, pure joy reflood their expression. So much of it that for a moment Sans thought he saw their eyes as bright gold before they burst into uncontrollable tears.

...

..

.


	16. Not Affording To Tell

Up, down, up, down-

When nothing sticks... When things keep moving on without ever really moving forward... When nothing is worth talking about for a really long time and it all becomes a pattern where you know that, in the end, inevitably, all of it will be ripped away. Because nothing was new, it was all just the same, and the pattern repeats.

Up, down, up, down, go, stay, go-

You were powerless. Helpless. You voice had no meaning.

You could only keep pretending to smile even as you'd give up a long time ago in gaining anything that resembled normalcy. You were alone in a room full of people.

And it was the new normal. Nothing else. It just repeated.

Treadmills in the dark...

Hoping and caring just gave you another chance at being hurt.

But sometimes... You just couldn't help it. You clung to hope. You cared. You stayed determined.

Even when it still looked pointless.

You held onto that hope because giving up wasn't an option.

And sometimes... It was real. Sometimes... The light turned on. Sometimes it finally matters. You're willingness to give in to hope, to care... It wasn't just a disaster in the making that you just couldn't help but entertain. It had been difficult, but in the end...

The cycle ends.

And finally...

Finally.

Everything was alright. Everything-

"frisk?" The child jolted, standing rigid in the crowd before turning towards Sans, looking absolutely shaken. "woah, there... you look like you've seen a ghost." Sans said, stepping in closer.

Not twenty seconds ago they had been following along happily and smiling, a small spring in their step, seeming weightless. The good cry they'd had in the car had seemed to change something in them. They had been listening to MK and Papyrus' excited chatter along with Sans, but then suddenly... Frisk had stopped walking and now here they were. Sans couldn't even see a trace of the smiling child that had touched his face only a few hours before. The roller coaster had swooped down again.

"frisk?"

"I..." Their eyes raced back to the rest of the crowd gathered for the ceremony, a few minutes away from Asgore's speech, a few minutes away from accomplishing what everyone had come here for. What Frisk had given _more_ than everything for.

It... It was supposed to be okay this weekend. Everything was supposed to be alright. They had been more than alright in the car, except for that odd moment at the truck stop, why all of a sudden again-?

"I thought..." Frisk started to admit again.

"what?" Frisk was shaking their head. "frisk-"

"SANS! FRISK!" Sans turned in unison with them as they watched Papyrus wave towards them, MK sat fidgeting on his shoulders. "MK HAS LOCATED US THE PERFECT SPOT FROM THEIR SUPERIOUR POSITION." MK looked entirely pleased even though to be fair they were only a foot or two higher than Papyrus when like that.

"It's nothing.." Frisk told Sans quickly before obediently moving forward, leaving Sans with his magic twisting uneasily inside him.

That expression they'd given him... It most definitely had been nothing. It had been the very opposite of nothing.

Sans scanned the crowd, hoping to see something that would make sense. Something he could blame and crush and protect them from... Man, he was starting to think just a bit like Undyne. But what else could he do? No, Sans knew the answer to that. The answer was always _something_. He'd learned that the hard way. But standing there he couldn't come up with anything. So... he dealt with his unease as he walked forward to join the others. All he could do was focus on the present success and help them enjoy it too. They could deal with the problems later, when they were alone and had the chance to talk things out. Right then there was too much going on. Right, he'd handle it later. After the ceremony and things winded down at the hotel.

Except...

Sans didn't.

He _didn't_.

Because after the ceremony and everyone was in the water, there was still too much to do to help people settle in. And Sans... Sans knew that there wouldn't be any winding down. There wouldn't be any chance to snatch the kid for a talk. He knew that... once they were at the hotel, everyone would be too exhausted and eager to get to bed so they could have a good start in the morning. He knew even as they all piled into the car, this time Toriel joining them.

Toriel sat in the backseat with the kids, making excited jokes as she sat beside Frisk, so relieved to have all of that done. So excited to just relax and experience a nice, _easy_ vacation...

"Are you excited, my child?" Frisk had been smiling, nodding, and it seemed genuine even if reserved. Whatever had spooked them earlier was still there in the back of their mind and Sans could see it in the gleam of their brown eyes.

"whatcha most excited about?" Sans asked.

"The zoo!" MK had declared, apparently the beach pushed to the side just a bit after having experienced a bit of it. "Undyne said there's a million different types of animals!"

"Well..." Toriel started hesitantly. "Not quite that many, my child, at least in the zoo, I mean."

"Oh?"

"A THOUSAND THEN!" Papyrus joined in.

"Yeah! A thousand!"

"Um..." Sans chuckled as Toriel seemed uncertain as to what to do, but he was very aware of Frisk's silence. Of how he had been completely ignored by them.

It was the first month all over again, he realized. A whirlwind. But this time it was Sans' turn to be ignored. Guess that was his karmic retribution...

But they'd promised... Though to be fair, he was having difficulty with that promise too. He was always messing up all sorts of promises, wasn't he?

But they couldn't avoid him forever. He was babysitting them the day after they got back home after all. Though... Sans had already figured what would be happening then: the rest of the story. But Sans would have the chance to have his say as well. And he would.

It would all be alright.

And he guessed waiting was a good thing... Now was the time to enjoy themselves after all. Vacation. A time to relax. To revel in their newfound revelations that they'd both had earlier in the car. Although... His hadn't left him sobbing wordlessly. But he was certain. Certain that whatever had struck them could balance out whatever had spooked them in the crowd. Maybe the roller coaster could just coast? Please...? At least until they had the chance to talk, really talk... Because they had promised to.

But they just...

Frisk was standing with Toriel's hand wrapped softly around theirs as she bought their tickets and the group entered the zoo, MK running ahead a bit with Toriel yelling after them.

"Stay close, my child!"

She and the brothers had promised to keep a good eye on MK to their parents when they agreed to let MK come, but it was sometimes easier said than done. The kid was an endless ball of energy, encouraged by Frisk's quiet smile and Papyrus' own enthusiasm.

MK bounded back, a map in their mouth.

"Thank you." Toriel began, taking it from the child. "Now..." She was smiling down at Frisk. "Where to first?" Frisk hesitated.

"Yeah, Frisk! Where to first?! What do you want to see?"

"What.. What's closest?" Frisk asked. Toriel peered over the map.

"Hmm... Polar bears." Frisk shrugged.

"Polar bears." They said. If Sans hadn't known Toriel so well now, he would have missed the shadow creep over her expression.

"Alright, then." She said warmly, closing the map. "Though..." She looked up towards the sky. "With this weather, perhaps it would be best to call them _solar_ bears."

"PLEASE NO! CAN WE PLEASE TAKE A VACATION FROM THE PUNS AS WELL?!"

"thought you weren't on a vacation, bro?"

"I-! WELL... YOU GUYS ARE!"

"come on, bro, can't you stand to bear it just a little?"

"SANS, NO!"

"Sans yes!" The two kids cried for him and Sans chuckled.

"ALL OF YOU ARE UNBEARABLE!" Papyrus froze in absolute horror as Toriel laughed loudly. "NO! THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT! IMPOSSIBLE! I MEANT IMPOSSIBLE! GAH YOU ALL ARE HORRID!" He said turning away from them.

"Oh come on now, Papyrus, dear. No need to give anyone the... _cold_ shoulder."

"YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS FOR EVERY ANIMAL!" Papyrus realized and the dread was clear in his expression.

"all one thousand of 'em."

"NOOOOOO!" Sans was chuckling again but he saw Frisk's gaze traveling to the crowd, where more than a several heads were turning their way as the group continued to walk.

"You were right, Frisk." Toriel said and Frisk shifted their gaze back to her. "Polar bears were the perfect choice to help break the ice."

They went along, the sights, all of it _new._ Sans' chest felt light as he let his mind slip and he noticed he kept laughing more than usual, but perhaps it was just his surrounding company. Though the lack of his fear was refreshing. New. He-

MK was running ahead too quickly and fell down on their face and Toriel covered her mouth.

"Oh! My child!" She exclaimed, MK had been doing so well today, but this one seemed pretty rough. Except the kiddo was already bounding upward with a bright smile.

"I'm okay!"

Sans heard somebody snicker behind him and he saw Frisk's head turn sharply over their shoulder to try and locate the source of the sound.

The weight was returning to rest against Sans' ribcage as he saw something gleam in their sharp eyes. There was a new type of unease.

"hey." Sans called as he stepped in beside Frisk. "guess we've found my favorite animal, huh?" Frisk blinked in confusion, but that thing in their eyes was gone. Sans refused to acknowledge his relief.

"I didn't see any sloths." Frisk said after a second.

"oh wow kid, you hurt me." He pointed towards the sign, a black silhouetted lion on one of the arrows pointing forward. "lions, kid, ya know... cuz they like lion around?" Frisk smiled weakly.

"Oh."

"just _oh_?" Frisk shrugged.

"That was sort of an obvious one." They told him. Sans snorted.

"says the kid who didn't get it right away!"

"I didn't see the sign first." Frisk complained.

"yeah, yeah..." Sans said flippantly waving his hand. "anyways, whatcha liking best so far?" Frisk shrugged. "oh come on, you can't have no opinion about _anything_."

"The polar bears were sorta cool." Sans chuckled a bit, but it still wasn't a real answer...

When they entered the aviary, Frisk seemed to linger, looking up at the milky glass dome as birds squawked loudly all around them. Sans watched them from a distance and he noticed that what he had thought was awe wasn't quite right. There was a glimpse of hurt in their expression, of memory. When he looked up and listened as the birds continued to sing, the idea that was probably racing through their mind hit him as well.

This sorta reminded him of...

_"Howdy! I'm in the garden."_

Sans kept watching Frisk closely as the day grew long, and he began to notice he was watching them more than he was watching the animals in the exhibits. Though... With that new idea, he had lost the rest of his excitement in all of it. Frisk was growing more and more tense... Sans couldn't recapture that weightlessness.

It was in the aquarium when it finally seemed to verge to the point of boiling over, and it was in one of the rare instances where Sans hadn't been watching.

" **Hey**." Their voice was sharp, like a knife. "The exhibits are **that** way." Sans turned his head quickly to find them, the kid having fallen back once again. Their back was turned towards him and he could see their shoulders were hiked up against their neck, their fists clenched as the two teenage girls stared at them in surprise. He had noticed the girls too, when the group had first entered... He had heard them whispering softly to each other, not even trying to be subtle. Now their whispers had cut off. "With those ugly faces you should know, staring isn't **nice**."

"frisk!" He called, but something inside him felt-

They twisted towards him, and in the strange light, their wide eyes reflected almost gold again. But it was _only_ the light. It.. Sans hesitated and Frisk lowered their head as they stared at the floor, their eyes seeping brown as they walked forward and their shoulders grew even more tense.

"hey-" Sans was silenced as Frisk lifted their hand and grasped his tightly, standing next to him with their head still down. Sans paused for another second before he sighed again and glanced back towards the two girls who were huddled closer together, whispering cautiously now, though still whispering. "let's catch up, 'kay?" Frisk didn't respond but they followed his lead when he began to walk.

"Hey yo! Frisk look! This one looks like Onionsan!" Frisk lifted their head and watched MK fidget next to the glass. It looked nothing like Onionsan, except it's scales were similar colours, it's eyes were wide and its face held the faintest semblance of a smile. Toriel was close to the edge, leaning down to read the description on the side of the tank for them. Frisk looked up and Sans met their gaze. There were tears in the back of their eyes.

"What if it's just a zoo?" Frisk whispered brokenly. Sans froze once again in surprise and then turned his head to stare at the glass that contained the fish, swimming around back and forth almost aimlessly. Trapped. Probably never having seen the actual sun. Sans squeezed their hand tightly for a moment and then looked down at them.

"do you really think undyne would ever go for that?" Sans asked softly. "would you?" Frisk blinked and their muscles seemed to relax as the tears began to disappear, their expression hardening with determination. They shook their head. Sans smiled sadly for them. "well then... there ya go." But they were looking back, trying to find the other whispers in the crowd. "frisk," Sans said again and they turned their head to stare forward. "it's okay, you just gotta keep your chin high and walk like it doesn't bother you." Their head lowered a bit and they let go of his hand and he saw them tense again. As if somebody else was standing there in their skin...

"You shouldn't have to..." They whispered and walked ahead, a forced smile on their face as they joined Toriel's side, pretending anyways despite what they'd said to him. Sans sighed and he joined the others, standing next to Papyrus as if he hadn't a care in the world, his own smile relaxed but just as fake again.

"somethin's a little fishy around here."

"OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST COME OVER HERE TO TAINT MY LEARNING EXPERIENCE!?"

"course. just like how i only got my license so i could tease you with the tricycle."

"I _KNEW_ IT!"

Sans glanced back towards Frisk who was still offering Toriel the same smile.

It would be fine, he reasoned to himself once again. It would all be alright... Soon they would be leaving here and join Undyne at her cabin and they would all have the chance to actually enjoy themselves without prying eyes and worries.

Soon...

"Frisk, dear, you can either put on more sunscreen or where a shirt." Toriel said, digging through her suitcase for her own things. Frisk was already wearing the shirt and tugged at the bottom in response when Toriel looked up at them. She didn't seem at all surprised, only... hurt? Sans tilted his head curiously, but Toriel was continuing. "Then I shall start blowing up the water wings."

"I don't need floaties!" They replied with indignation. Toriel blinked in surprise.

"No? Are you sure?" Frisk nodded.

Sans watched from the doorway, his inner tube already draped around his arm. Papyrus was on the other side of the room helping MK put on their sunscreen, as Undyne puffed away at their own inner tube.

"I'll swim just fine." Frisk continued and Sans was watching Toriel's face closely. The same shadow was there from earlier and it only darkened as she nodded.

"Of course, my child..." She said. "But if you change your mind they will be right in here, alright?" Frisk nodded slowly.

"I'll be fine." Frisk said again.

"Of COURSE they will!" Undyne declared loudly. "Punk will be with me!" Toriel did not seem at all impressed, maybe even more concerned. "Oh come on!" Undyne said as she trapped the air within the inner tube, her fingers squeezing the sides of it to make sure it was nice and firm. "If they really need it I'll drag them back PERSONALLY to get their wings." Toriel sighed but then she smiled down at Frisk.

Sans closed his eyes for a moment, resting his eyes, and blocking out all the strange tension he was struggling to piece together...

But soon...

"WAIT NO! I-!"

"HNGGGH!"

There was a loud splash as Papyrus was pushed into the water and Undyne laughed triumphantly.

"LAST ONE IN IS A ROTTEN EGG, PUNKS!" Undyne shouted as she cannon balled off of the pier and into the water.

"Yeah!" MK shouted, the inner tube tight around their waist as they followed Undyne's lead.

"Wait for me!" Frisk whined, but hesitated on the edge, crouching down a bit and then rising higher, gathering their determination as the kept lifting up their feet, anxious as they wanted to jump.

"Frisk, dear, are you sure you don't-" Frisk jumped off of the pier with the loud gulping of air. Toriel sighed on her towel just as Sans began to meander forward, his own inner tube still in hand, but the sound made him stop and look back.

"you 'kay there, tori?" He asked finally. Maybe Frisk was avoiding him, but Toriel he could at least reach out to. Toriel was still looking towards the pier where Frisk had surfaced and began to kick a bit furiously.

"Sans, has Frisk seemed... off to you?" Toriel asked finally but she didn't look at him. Sans followed her gaze and watched Frisk make their way towards their friends, the shirt they still wore bubbling up around them in the water. "More off to you?" Toriel added finally.

Sans turned to watch her sad expression again. It was suddenly weird to remember that he was not the only one watching these things, that he was not the only one the kid was avoiding.

"I have been with them for the whole day but it seems as if I have not talked to them at all. Not really. And a part of me concedes that... it is always sort of like that. They never tell me what they want, only what it is they think I wish to hear. I-" She paused and sighed again. "I'm sorry. I am rambling. I know what the matter is, I just wish... it wasn't."

"it's okay, tori. we're all worried about them at some point." She was looking right at him now, and he was immediately uneasy but tried to seem not to be, like whenever she spoke to him about Frisk.

"You would tell me if you knew something was wrong, would you not?" Toriel asked and Sans was quiet a moment before looking down at the sand. "I'm sorry." She said suddenly. "I understand that Frisk's trust is important to maintain."

When Sans looked up he felt something new that hadn't been there before. Something just as tense as him and it was stretched between the two of them. It surprised Sans. Toriel was watching the water again, but with the same concerned and perhaps hurt expression. Sans suddenly realized he had seen it several times before since his night long talk with Frisk. Something that had been slowly building up inside Toriel over the last two weeks but Toriel had been too focused on other things to really think it over. Now she had the time and it seemed to be bugging her. And Sans felt as if, she was somehow upset with him. About something. A part of Sans wondered if she knew the truth, about his promise and how he had broken it, but it didn't seem to be that. It was less hostile, as if she was also bitter at herself for experiencing what she was experiencing.

Sans just nodded after they had lingered in silence for too long and he walked towards the water, unsure if Toriel had even seen him.

The water... It felt fantastic. The smell of salt was everywhere and he could see the smallest of fish drifting nearby underneath him as he floated there, hardly moving. Which wasn't what he could say of the others by the pier he was drifting over towards. He looked away from where Undyne was trying to drown his brother and over towards Frisk who was kicking around with the grace of... nothing. Their motions were strangely out of synch and inconsistent. Sometimes they were frantically kicking, but suddenly their posture would even out and they would take a single confident stride that regained their balance. And as he got closer, he could see it. Just like briefly in the car. Just like at the zoo. An amber gold flickering in their eyes as they struggled their way past him and over towards Undyne and Papyrus, to kick beside MK who was joining in the battle. Something sick twisted inside as he closed his eyes, determined not to see it.

It wasn't long until it all sort of exploded.

"NYEH HEH!"

There was a huge splash and a chorus of shouts. Sans' eyes opened to see Undyne had fallen backwards and under the water, and- Sans jolted upwards in a bit of alarm as he realized he couldn't see Frisk. Undyne resurfaced, sneering at Papyrus, ready to restart the water fight.

"Frisk!" Toriel called from shore and Undyne's sneer disappeared. Frisk's head broke the surface of the water, choking, and Sans was certain that for a second he saw red, but when the second had passed, wide brown eyes stared up as they slipped underneath the water again.

"WOAH!" Undyne reached out and grasped their arm tightly.

"grab their waist!" Sans shouted at her, as she began to pull them up above the water. When Frisk resurfaced, their eyes were more panicked than before. "their waist!" Sans shouted again. To his relief, Undyne seemed to be listening to him, grabbing both sides of their waist in order to help them maintain a good position in the water. They were coughing heavily as Undyne cringed beside them.

"Frisk! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to fall on you!" Frisk struggled to breathe in again but nodded for her, showing her that they understood. "But I think Toriel had a point there. You need some wingies." Frisk was coughing but nodding again, even as their expression looked absolutely downtrodden. Undyne turned towards the others. "Nobody else drown until I get back!" She shouted.

"And then we can drown?" Asked MK.

"Uh, NO!" Undyne called out loudly over her shoulder as she started to help Frisk kick their way back to shore, her grip firm and supportive around their waist. Sans breathed out heavily and sat back in his innertube as he watched the two of them go. "Nobody's allowed to drown! Not on my watch!"

"Aw! But I wanna be saved too!"

"I WILL SAVE YOU!" Papyrus declared as he scooped the little monster up.

"Yeaah!"

Undyne and Frisk slipped out of the water, and from a distance Sans saw Frisk's right hand lift to touch their other arm gently, almost protectively. Toriel was approaching swiftly, her face still flooded with concern. She was bending down towards Frisk's eye level and after a moment, her soft hand was resting against their face. Sans could tell she was asking them something, but Frisk shook their head and it only caused Toriel to seem even more uneasy. But reluctantly, Toriel was releasing them and Undyne was leading them towards her cabin. Toriel watched them for a moment before fixing her eyes firmly on the water, watching MK with a new fervor.

"SANS?" Papyrus cried suddenly and Sans took his eyes off of the shore and towards his brother. "ARE YOU STILL WEARING YOUR SLIPPERS?!" Sans' smile was widening. Finally! _Finally_!

"yup."

"SANS!"

Sans was sitting back on his innertube, his arms behind his head as he kept his legs crossed and above the water.

"THEY ARE GOING TO GET SOGGY!"

"i was thinking slippery."

"AARGH!"

Sans dodged the large splash, the water falling harmlessly where he had just been floating, his expression was unaffected, his smile still there.

"NHYEHHHHH!" His brother kept at it, trying to splash him, but Sans kept dodging. "YOU ARE CHEATING!"

"i'm just floating here." Sans said innocently. Papyrus turned to MK who was bobbing beside him again.

"I REQUEST ASSISTANCE FROM MY PARTNER IN COOL!" MK's eyes were bright and they kicked eagerly to come after Sans.

"now whose cheating? two against one?" He made a tsking noise as he closed his eyes and shook his head.

He felt the waters shifting underneath him and he continuously dodged his two attackers, making it look like he wasn't doing anything at all. Then he felt two waves on either side of him and he teleported out of sight, onto Undyne's new front porch.

"NYEH?!"

"Nyeh?!" MK mimicked.

"SAAAAAAAAAAANS!"

"Saaaaaans!"

Sans chuckled as he slipped inside, planning on kicking off his slippers and going back, but also wanting to check in on-

"HNAGH!" Sans froze, his eyes spiking with magic as Undyne's fist collided with the wall forcefully. The entire cabin seemed to shake and the atmosphere was tense and hostile even as the wood began to resettle. Undyne was breathing in dangerously quick as her fist stayed connected to the wall. Sans' magic was still tight and prepared but he couldn't get an accurate read on her with her face angled away from him like that and covered in shadow.

Motion beside her caught Sans' attention and his gaze shifted right, towards Frisk who was lowering their head and digging their fingers into their hair, breathing in frantically as they squeezed the side of their head, on the complete verge of panic. They were pulling their legs in close, as he could see a tear escape down their cheek. But they were breathing in too quickly for comfort and too terrified to break into all out sobs.

Sans had to pull himself together. He had to deescalate whatever the hell this was...

"undyne?" Sans started cautiously, though he was still looking at Frisk. Frisk's brown eyes shifted towards him and he saw their breathing get even quicker as they closed their eyes and bent their head downwards against their knees, wanting to hide, wanting to not be there. Sans turned cautiously back towards Undyne as he set the inner tube down against the wall.

When Undyne turned towards him, her face was in a snarl but she also looked absolutely sick. Sans' eyes flickered back over to Frisk in concern, their back was shaking as they continued to panic in their hiding place. Undyne noticed the movement as well and her expression flooded with alarm that seemed to momentarily overcome her anger.

"Wha-? Frisk?! Woah! Hey!" She said as she bent down next to the couch, to get closer to their eye level and while a part of Sans was relieved that the immediate danger wasn't as immediate as he had thought, he still moved forward cautiously to join them. "Frisk, I'm sorry, punk. It's just... SICK. It's just so SICK! Like.. What the HELL? Hey-" She lifted a hand but when they seemed to flinch her fingers coiled back, Undyne's expression revealing she didn't understand a thing about their reaction. "Hey..." She said more softly. Her hands lowered and rested against their feet, wanting to hold them but not sure what to make of it all. "Frisk, who **_did_** that to you?"

Frisk didn't respond and Sans felt sick just trying to piece together everything without all the pieces. Trying to come up with something that would cause Undyne's violent reaction, their panic, he... he didn't really want to know, he realized, but he had to know if he was going to help in any of this.

"frisk." He began as he reached the couch and stood a few feet angled away from Undyne, on the other side of the cowering kid. He began to sit down slowly on the couch. "what...?" He couldn't finish the question, not with them finally lifting their face and looking at him still so terrified. Sans' cringe deepened. He could tell that whatever had happened with Undyne had shattered any balance between alright and not alright they'd been feigning before. His unease wasn't helped by the fact that Undyne was now strangely silent even as he could feel the anger radiating off of her.

Frisk took a deep but uneven breath as they closed their eyes tightly and lifted their hand to the back of their now torn collar. Something that must have happened in the water, but that he hadn't noticed until now. Frisk pulled the torn flap down and then even farther. The lights in Sans' eyes went out entirely.

_Burns_... Burns were the worse, they had told him. Red marks and dark brown scars...

" **Cigarette** burns!" Undyne said, the murder in her voice. "Someone put **_cigarettes_** out on their back!"

Sans' hand was shaking as he pulled their hand away, letting them hide it again. Frisk's eyes reopened and they were staring at him miserably. Their lips pressed together thinly, horrified as to what he and Undyne would do. Sans pressed his fingers gently into theirs before he continued.

"does tori know?" Sans whispered and Frisk looked even more horrified, if it were possible, and they shook their head.

"Not this time." They admitted weakly.

"What do you mean _this_ time?" Undyne asked, her eye narrowing. This only pressed Frisk farther along into panic.

"Don't tell her." They begged, but they were now looking at Undyne too. "Don't tell her." Sans squeezed their fingers once again and they lowered their gaze towards their knees.

"frisk... tori needs to know." Their expression fell. They knew he was right, but they just couldn't. It was clear from their expression. They felt like they just couldn't! And it was then that Sans realized that Toriel's reaction in another timeline was not the most desirable. Their jolting reaction with Undyne was already telling... Sans tried to swallow the disgust consuming him, to get it together, they needed him to keep it together. Just like when they had been telling him their story, he had to keep it together... But suddenly, at the thought of their story, something else struck him and his anger was rising up again.

Little round burns against their skin, twisted into their back. That description...

"did **_they_** know?" He suddenly snarled and Frisk jerked back, their hand moving in his, wanting to pull away and the motion snapped Sans out of it. He wasn't trying to scare them. Undyne was already boiling, they didn't need him snapping too.

"alright. alright." He said quickly, not forcing them to keep their hand in his, but keeping his palm open. After a moment they settled back down, and he rubbed their fingers between his, hoping the nonthreatening touch would help them. "alright." He breathed, but inside his anger persisted. The Other had known about this. The Other had known and had used it against them. Then again... They were also... Sans sighed and continued to rub their fingers, listening to their breathing evening out. "let's all just calm down." He could see by the expression on Undyne's face that she thought he was entirely insane!

"Calm _DOWN_?" She asked, but when Frisk flinched she cringed and then met Sans' stern stare. "Okay..." She said shortly. But her eye was squeezing closed as she lifted a hand to her face, still snarling and twisting with rage. Undyne, for once, had no clue what to do. She wanted to explode, but she, to Sans' surprise, was trying to follow his advice.

Frisk continued to breathe in and out, trying to follow Sans' advice too. But they kept sniffling and they lifted their right hand to wipe at their eyes and Sans squeezed their fingers once again, just for a moment. Frisk lowered their hand and slowly lifted their gaze.

"I just wanna go play." They whispered. "Let's just go back and.. and play."

" **What**?" Undyne's eye had opened and her face had fallen into farther confusion.

"Please..." Frisk pleaded... To forget this happened, that she saw, that she knew.

"Frisk, we can't just **_ignore_** this!" Undyne told them as she looked up.

"She's going to get concerned, she's going to come in, please..." Frisk continued.

"frisk... tori already is concerned."

"I'M concerned!" Undyne jumped in. "Frisk-!"

" **hey**." Sans said firmly and Undyne faltered before she turned towards him, entirely shocked at his posture. And maybe he had the upper hand because she was freaking out and he was... slightly less freaking out. But only because it wasn't even the most sickening thing that he knew had happened to them. Oh god... This wasn't even the most sickening to ever happen to them. "let's just... let's just take this slow. easy." He said and Undyne's brow furrowed together, perplexed. It shouldn't have been that odd coming from him. Slow and easy was sort of his thing, but... Sans realized how new this all was. All of it. Undyne seeing Sans step up a bit and take charge. Sans stepping up and taking charge at all. This was new.. but it was important. Undyne could be loud and rash, the very opposite of what they needed. But he knew she could go about this with a level head as long as she just _got_ it. He needed her to get it. " _everybody_ getting up in a tizzy won't help _anybody_ get any answers." He turned back to Frisk.

"but undyne's right. she's concerned now. toriel and i were already concerned. " They began to lower their head shamefully. "frisk... you promised. and do you really think you're not worrying us by keeping it all in? that's not right, kiddo. we can see it and you're making us..." He paused, the hypocrisy of his words not missing him, but this wasn't about him, it was about Frisk. "kid you're making us feel _helpless_." He stated and they looked up in wide alarm. Sans was cringing, knowing he had designed that sentence to strike them where it hurt. But he had to.

They knew about how it felt to be helpless. They knew how he knew how it felt to be helpless. But just because they had stopped Resetting, didn't mean that feeling stopped, even if it wasn't about the Resets anymore. He had to get it across to them...

"if you don't call out, if you avoid us, how are we supposed to help you?" He glanced over towards their back. "and this?" His voice dropped a bit, hushed because it pained him too much to picture it, to know it was there. "frisk, we have to tell toriel about this. not now, okay? not now." He stated quickly trying to curb the alarm in their expression. "but just... look, i said you didn't have to tell us anything you don't want to, and that still stands, but this... frisk, she's going to find out eventually. she has to know before she finds out like undyne did. if you're afraid of her reaction, trust me, her finding out as an unexpected surprise than from you telling her, it will only make it worse." He breathed out heavily. "you don't have to tell us who, or what, or when... but she has to know..."

There was a moment where the only sound was of Frisk sniffling softly, but then Undyne was leaning in closer again, but this time, her expression was softer and Sans could tell she was trying to match his tone. It was slightly unsettling... to have Undyne following his lead... but it was also a relief.

"Hey." Undyne echoed gently and Frisk lifted their face, tears escaping down their cheeks. "Do you remember how scared Alphys was? When she decided to tell everybody the truth?" Frisk nodded slowly and Sans felt like kicking himself for not thinking about Alpyhs sooner. "Well what happened?" Undyne asked and Frisk was looking down at their legs. "Frisk, I'm sorry I freaked out... but this is NOT alright. And it makes me so..." She closed her eyes and fell silent, biting down in disgust as she tried to keep herself collected. Her eye opened and she leaned in even closer, peeking up at Frisk, past their legs to where they were trying to hide beneath their bangs. "You gotta tell people these things!" She continued. "So we can help, so you can face them head on... but you don't have to alone, Frisk.. Okay?" She reached over and grasped their right hand, to hold it as Sans continued to hold their left. "You're so brave, and strong, and tough as _nails,_ but... Nobody should have to be alone. Especially not you, Frisk... Sans is, ugh, and I can NOT believe this is coming out of me, but Sans..." She was cringing. "Sans is right."

"can i get that in writing?"

**"Shut it."** She shot at him before she was focusing on Frisk again who had let out a reluctant laugh. "Look, nothing has changed. Nothing really has changed, I just _know_ now, okay? And as long as you promise to... To tell Toriel..." The words seemed difficult to get out, Sans could tell she wanted to still address the situation right then, right now, but was conceding to Sans on this. Though she didn't want to admit that either. "I'll keep it together, as long as you promise." Frisk had lifted their head again, their eyes still filled with lingering tears.

"Can we go back outside?" They begged and Undyne sighed loudly, her head falling. "I.. I promised to tell her later, but can we please...?" Frisk was looking at Sans now, their expression begging him to come to their aid.

"yeah, we'll tell tori later."

"We." Frisk repeated hopefully. Sans was now the one sighing as he nodded.

"we." Sans agreed. Undyne was lifting her head and watching the two of them on the couch. "i think we better get back outside." He told her and Undyne was grimacing but nodding. Frisk was perking up right away.

"Okay. Okay." She said releasing their hand and standing up, taking the water wings that had been discarded on the ground. "You go wash up in the bathroom and change your shirt... I'll blow these up." Frisk let go of Sans' hand and slid off of the couch and made their way towards the bathroom. After a shaky moment Undyne sat down on the wet couch beside Sans and began to breath into the first wing. She stopped and lowered it, listening to the sink in the bathroom run and Frisk worked to hide that they'd been crying...

"you okay?" Undyne shook her head. No, he hadn't thought so... But suddenly she was looking at him, with that same perplexed expression as she seemed to be seeing him for the first time.

"Are _you_ okay?" She asked, her lingering shock apparent. Sans shook his own head.

"i knew something was up, tori told me about how they weren't living with their original family, and some things the kid has said, but this..." Undyne looked down at the wing in her hand and squeezed a bit, her expression darkening. When she finally spoke, her voice was dangerously and uncharacteristically low, but Sans couldn't say he was at all surprised.

**"If I ever find them I'll** ** _kill_** **them, Sans**. **"** Then she began to blow again. When she had finished the first and began to work her way on the second, Sans decided he probably should explain something else though.

"undyne." He said and she lowered the wing just before she began, she was looking right at him and it was weird for both of them. To be sitting together, serious. "don't... don't grab their arm. i think the left one, just don't." Undyne's face fell.

"Why?" She asked, an edge to her voice that showed she did not like the implications of what he was saying.

"i'm not sure why, just... don't okay?" Undyne was silent for a moment.

"Sans... **What the hell happened to them**?" Sans was cringing, his chin digging into his collarbone.

Lots. Lots had happened to them. Too much.

The front door opened and immediately both Sans and Undyne were sitting up, as if nothing was wrong at all, and Undyne rebegan her work. Toriel stood in the door way, her gaze searching.

"I was just checking, it seemed to be taking so long." Toriel told them. Sans shrugged.

"kiddo had to use the bathroom and change. their shirt was torn."

"Oh." Toriel said in surprise, but she did not seem entirely convinced. Frisk was reentering the room, their face was breaking into the widest smile, every centimeter of it fake.

"I'm ready." They said.

"Not until you've got THESE guns ON and SECURE!" Undyne declared as Frisk came over to her and she began to help slide the floaties onto their arms, first onto the right and then... Undyne hesitated with the left one and Frisk's smile began to thin. Sans suddenly realized why they hadn't wanted to wear them to begin with... And now so had Undyne. "Um... Why don't we... Uh..."

"Is something the matter?" Toriel asked from the door. Sans saw Undyne press her nail into the side of the floaty.

"I think it's losing air." Undyne said, her nail cutting into the side facing Sans.

"Is it? I just bought them, they should not be torn already." Toriel said stepping over. Frisk looked relieved as they took a step back to let Toriel see. Undyne lifted it up to show her.

"See, there's a small rip. Sorry, maybe it was me."

"I see..." Toriel said.

"wanna use my innertube, kid?" Sans interjected. Frisk's eyes were brightening and they nodded.

"WELL-!" Undyne tossed the deflating floaty over her shoulder as she stood up dramatically, only for it to bounce off of the wall and onto the ground. She ignored it though and turned towards Frisk. "Time to get back to that water! It's calling our names!" Undyne was by the door quickly and lifting the innertube. "Over here, you punk!" Frisk obeyed, sliding the floaty off of their arm and lifting them above their head as Undyne slide them through it. "PERFECT!"

Sans chuckled but it caught inside him as he noticed Toriel looking at him, her lips were pressed together awkwardly, and he could see her concern had only grown, and with it the guilt twisting inside of him. But it would be alright... It would be... He'd make it up to her. At home. On Monday.

Undyne was lifting Frisk up onto her back and kicking the door open.

**"AAAAAAAAAAAH!"** Undyne shouted as she ran out into the sand, letting all her anger and frustration out with the sound. Frisk tried to yell loudly along with her, though they could not entirely hide the shaking of their voice.

"Aaaaaaahhh!"


	17. Affording To Not Be Alright

***AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

RESET

Frisk inhaled deeply, even as they slammed down hard onto the ground, the flowers breaking their fall. The Other's grip slipped and Frisk took another deep breath, the atrocious smell enveloping them sweetly.  
Never. Never had Frisk ever been so happy to be here. Not even that first time could compare to this. That first time when they had come back to try and get a better end. Never. Because now, there was only a better end to get. Though The Other was raging inside their head, disagreeing with that sentiment wholeheartedly.

***NO! NO! NO!**

***WE WERE ALMOST THERE!**

***WE WERE ALMOST AT THE END!**

***HOW COULD YOU?!**

***YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!**

***EVERYTHING!**

Frisk dug their fingers into the soft petals beneath them, crushing them tightly, desperately, as The Other continued to scream and pull. But not nearly as forcefully as before. It was just a small discomfort now compared to the constant torture of the previous timeline. Where the LOVE would drown them and- The LOVE... It was gone!

Frisk took in another deep breath as they stared up at the ceiling and the gapping hole.

The LOVE was truly gone! Gone!

Tears were beginning to trace down Frisk's cheeks.

The LOVE was _gone_. They were back. Everything and _everyone_ was back.

The Other struck again and Frisk simply closed their eyes and rolled over onto their side, soft petals brushing up against their face. They would face these flowers forever if it meant that would remain true. Forever. Forever!

***YOU IDIOT!**

Frisk's eyes pressed closed more tightly, but the fear of losing control seemed misplaced now. Just like that fear of death they'd once had. The Other, without the LOVE, was nothing. Nothing against Frisk's Soul filled with determination. Their chest still stretched, still felt strange, but Frisk could still breath. It was nothing...

A mere discomfort compared to the sensation of being hit by another car.

***IDIOT! IDIOT! _IDIOT_!**

More tears were escaping down Frisk's cheeks as they reopened their eyes and stared ahead, unable to fully focus as The Other pressed helplessly against their Soul. The Other could only scream again wordlessly. After all... The LOVE was gone. Their advantage was gone. That sick, black liquid that had twisted them even more than it had Frisk... But even then, The Other was still-

***YOU TRADED IT ALL AWAY FOR NOTHING!**

***NOTHING!**

***NOTHING BUT A LIE AND A TRICK!**

***AHHH!**

***HOW COULD YOU?!**

***HOW _COULD_ YOU?!**

But how could Frisk have done all of that in the first place? How could they have gotten so close to the edge? How could they have done that to everyone? And even to The Oth-

Frisk gasped as another wave of twisting discomfort rolled through them.

***HOW COULD YOU?!**

***HOW-?!**

_Please!_ , Frisk shouted internally, desperately. The Other froze in place, the twisting halted even as The Other lingered. Wanting to strike again but somehow stuck. As if they had heard Frisk's plea for the first time, as if they were only seeing Frisk for the first time now, in that very long moment.

*H-How...?

"Child?"

Frisk felt The Other vanish completely, as if they somehow needed to hide from Toriel. Frisk's eyes lifted towards the shadowy figure approaching, but their tears made it impossible to see her clearly. But Frisk had heard her voice. Toriel was there. There!

Frisk's hand was sliding out across the flowers, towards her, as they continued to sob loudly, the pain too much in their chest.

"I'm sorry." Frisk breathed. "I'm sorry." Toriel's arms were warm around them, healing their bruises as she helped them sit up in the flowers.

"Child, are you alright?" Toriel asked them desperately and Frisk's eyes closed as they buried their face against her chest.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." They continued. Frisk could now make out The Other's lingering presence in the back of their mind, tense and torn and continuing to fall away deeper. Shrinking in on themselves.

And Frisk let them.

Frisk let them as they themself shrank deeper into Toriel's arms, unable to stop crying.

"My child?"

.

"My child?" Toriel was putting her hand against Frisk's forehead, and Sans could tell by their face just how much sleep they had gotten... Not much. "Are you feeling alright, Frisk?"

"Just didn't sleep well. The bed was..." Frisk's voice trailed off along with their excuses. "I just didn't sleep well." They repeated. Or perhaps it was they didn't sleep at all. And it was clear by Toriel's expression that she thought as much as well. "I just want to go home. My bed." Frisk's voice held a tight plea, and it forced Toriel to smile sadly, even as she still seemed very worried and now hurt, even.

"Well then..." She said. "Aren't we lucky?" Sans watched her hand run through the side of Frisk's hair and he finally knocked on the door frame. The two turned towards him in surprise, not having noticed his arrival to begin with. One having been too concerned and the other too out of it.

"we're all loaded up and ready to check out." Sans told Toriel. Toriel's smile grew slightly more genuine. But maybe that was just him seeing what he wanted to see. Wishful thinking.

"Thank you, Sans. Tell Papyrus I will be right out, I must go return the keys." Sans nodded but as he left he noticed Frisk rubbing at their eyes, looking absolutely miserable. They looked a little bit more than just tired. Their encounter with Undyne was still weighting down on them and so was the apprehension of what tomorrow would bring.

But it would be alright in the end, Sans reasoned once again. They'd be home and it would be alright and they'd get everything out in the open and it would be alright. Sans promised himself. And he did not readily break his promises. Though... He seemed to anyways.

No.

Everything would be alright.

The group swung by the park for one last goodbye. Alphys was there now, though she was staying behind to assist Asgore and Undyne while they helped the water monsters continue to adjust. Asgore and Alphys would be coming back to Mt. Ebott later that week. Even though her girlfriend would be hours away and she may not have been the royal scientist officially anymore, Alphys still felt needed most back by the mountain. Something about the Core, she had said, about shutting down the rest of the Underground infrastructure. That train of thought only seemed to make Undyne prouder when Alphys had originally said it, applauding her passion and demanding of the world who had the greatest girlfriend only to promptly give the answer (It was Undyne). But now...

Undyne was giving Frisk a big, tight hug, and Sans could see she was still upset that she would not be able to be there for the kid at all times. And he could also see that Alphys seemed slightly more flustered than usual. He could also see that Frisk noticed it too...

Undyne had only promised to not tell Toriel after all, and honestly... Undyne wasn't the best at hiding something had upset her. In fact this was probably the first time she had ever tried anything like it. The exact opposite of both Sans and Frisk...

Frisk didn't protest like MK did when told it was finally time to get going.

The departing group was piled into the car, the roof now prop opened and the windows rolled up as the clouds above promised rain. Toriel was in the backseat again with the kids, but this time Sans noticed, as did Toriel, that Frisk was on one end and she another. Toriel was turned towards the window in silence as MK sat between the two, blissfully unaware of everything as they chatted away. They were disappointed to be leaving, but excited to get home and tell their family everything they had seen! By their standards, it really had been the best vacation ever. The best weekend ever!

Other than that... It was a sorely different ride than the one that had brought the to the ocean to begin with.

The red car was now alone in the grand scheme of things, the trucks having left days earlier, returnign to wherever they had come from to begin with. And besides MK and Papyrus' jittery chatter, there was silence. Toriel was still upset and staring out the window, sullen, and sometime during the ride, Frisk had slumped down against the doorway, lulled to sleep by the motion of the car.

MK fidgeted awkwardly, Toriel seemingly too distracted to really entertain them, and Papyrus focusing on his driving. Sans had closed his eyes, half pretending to sleep and half sorta dozing off for real.

It would be alright. It would all be alright...

"ALRIGHT! EVERYONE OUT AND ABOUT!" Papyrus declared as he turned off the ignition and Sans opened his eyes, a bit groggy as he turned his head towards the back seat.

"Frisk? My child?" The kid moaned, their head rolling against the window, reluctant. But finally, they lifted their head up and peered out the window. Without any other prompting or resistance, they opened the door and slipped out with a small grunt. They were focused ahead, not daring to look back at the others behind them still in the car. But perhaps... Sans was just seeing things again, putting too much into it. It was fine-

"I'm going to the bathroom." The kid called and Sans felt tense in his seat. Something in their stance, in their walk, in their words and tone... The way they still had not looked back at the others at all...

Toriel and Papyrus were getting out as MK slid across the seat to follow after the other kid readily.

"Hey! Yo! Wait for me!" Sans was out of the car and watching the other kid not wait at all, perhaps they even picked up the pace, MK dashing off after them.

"Do not run in the parking lot." Toriel called after them as she shut her door. She was about to follow when she seemed to hesitate, uncertain. She seemed caught up between two different emotions. Sans could see she wasn't sure she should follow, concerned she was being overbearing, but also concerned at leaving the kids off by themselves.

"i got it." Sans told her over his shoulder as he made his way after the two. He saw something else cross over her face that made him think he had just somehow made it all worse. But that being said, she also did not follow.

"Alright. Thank you." Toriel said, and Sans did not think she truly meant it, thought she had wanted to.

It would be alright. It would all be-

"MY BROTHER TAKING INITIATIVE?!" Papyrus asked, turning towards her in amazement, but Sans was already getting closer to the door. He had a bit of ground to catch up on still, and the unease was pushing him forward with uncharacteristic speed and urgency. Inside, he noticed a few heads turn his way as he made a beeline towards the restrooms, but he ignored them. His head was turning in search of the two kids, not liking that they had slippped out of his view together to begin with.  
But the fear had seemed for nothing as he stopped walking, seeing MK flicking their tail impatiently outside the restroom entrance, waiting for the other to be done. Sans stood back, watching from a distance, chiding himself as he continued to worry about nothing. But it could have been something. But he was just being paranoid. And overreacting even if he wasn't exactly wrong. But he just... He couldn't stop.

The little human exited the bathroom, wiping their wet hands along their pants, just as impatient as MK to get back to the car and get going again. Sans just wished they would lift their head so he could see. He also hoped they kept it down forever. Unfortunately, they did lift their face, but fortunately, or... perhaps not so fortunately, they were still facing away from Sans. They were looking at MK who was suddenly frozen in surprise.

"Yo!" MK called, their eyes blazing to life in pure excitement. "Your _eyes_!" The awe carried over the noise of the rest of the station and Sans' magic bottomed out. The human facing MK was rigid in place, their hands frozen against their legs, still a bit wet. MK was leaning in closer. "How are you doing that?" The other kid was still stuck in place, only their breathing had noticeably picked up as they tried to find something to say.

"kid?"

Sans shouldn't have spoke...

Their shoulder blades lifted protectively against their neck as the terror rippled through them. A second later they were rushing forward, pushing past MK, jostling them and the little monster struggled to keep their balance as their eyes went open wide in alarm.

"Woah!" For once, MK caught their balance, and Sans was next to them quickly, though he was watching after the running kid as they slipped through the rest of the people, out of sight.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Toriel was going to wreck him.

"Yo! What happened?" MK asked, their voice shaking. "What'd I do? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt their feelings?"

"no." Sans told them quickly, looking down at them and then back after where the other kid had slipped off to. "you didn't do- kid, i need you to go back to the car, okay? tell tori i'm- just tell her i'm handling-" Shit. Shit, _shit_. "just go to the car, 'kay?"

"O-Okay." MK agreed nervously, but then Sans felt a spike of guilt at how the kid was looking up at him. He'd already lost track of one kid, leaving the other alone was probably not the best option.

"here." Sans barely touched MK's collar before he shortcutted towards the door. Sans could see the car parked outside with Toriel and Papyrus waiting in sight. Waiting for the other three to come back. "i'll be right back with the kid, okay?" Sans didn't exactly wait for MK to reply before shortcutting away, back towards the restrooms.

A woman gasped loudly, jolting back with her hand lifting towards her mouth as he pulled through and reappeared next to her. Sans guessed he deserved _that_ judgmental stare.

"sorry." Sans said shortly before moving forward, scanning the area but unable to see where they had escaped to. Where? Where had they gone? Where could they have hidden in a place like this from the view of other people? The bathrooms were clearly out of the question, but where else- He had to stop as the phone in his pocket rang and he reluctantly answered it. He hadn't even had to look at who it was.

"Sans? What is going on-?! Where is Frisk?! Where are you?!"

"i've got this." Sans lied. "it... they got spooked about something. just stay by the car, i'll bring 'em to you."

"Sans-!"

He hung up before he had to lie again, knowing he wouldn't be able to do it. He felt like absolute garbage- The idea struck him and he made his way farther towards the back.

The kid was standing, though they were clearly shaking as they realized they had nowhere else to go. They had no options in escaping. Their back was towards Sans as they took a side step, shaky as they wanted to lean against the wall, to hide beside it and one of the large, green dumpsters. But then they stopped, rigid again, as if they could feel him watching, or perhaps... perhaps they had been informed by the hum of magic. It was racing through Sans as he stood just as tense as they were. Sharply, they twisted on their feet towards him. The red eyes were wide and clear with panic. They took a step backwards against the wall.

They looked like a trapped animal.

"well..." Sans started cautiously as they breathed in too quickly for it to be comfortable. "gotta say meeting you was not on my list of things to do today.. but.. i get that it wasn't on yours either."

"Frisk is here." The Other said frantically. "They're here. They're just asleep. They're..." Their knees seemed to be going weak.

"wanna wake 'em?" Sans said but to his surprise, despite their fear, terror really, at being out in the open, The Other shook their head. Sans was frowning, but he didn't press it again. They just... They just looked so much like Frisk. Sure, it was Frisk in the sense that it was still their body, but the way there were now cowering. The only difference was the eyes. And also, not just in the obvious, with the colour, but also at how wide they were. And instead of diverting them, trying to hide, they were directly on Sans. They kept their head lifted whereas Frisk tended to lower their face and use their bangs to their advantage, and occasionally, they would even lift their hand to cover their eyes and block out the world. The Other was there in plain view for him to see. Though, perhaps they did it to seem braver.

It wasn't working.

The wide, red eyes were afraid of his every movement, real and imagined.

"I'm sorry." The Other said suddenly, a desperation to their voice. "I'm sorry." They repeated and Sans was cringing. There was so much held in those two little words. Their stance was too scared and guilty to not be more than just about the current situation. "I'm... I'm sorry." They said again. Sorry for running. Sorry for killing him. Sorry for dragging Frisk down. "They're... They're just asleep. They d-didn't want to l-last time. I... I thought I could handle it, I-"

They most obviously couldn't handle it...

Sans sighed as he dragged his hand down his face. His fingers rested against his closed eye sockets for a moment.

"alright, alright..." Sans said finally. "let's just calm down for a second." Sans couldn't help but think about how he'd had to say something similar just the day before with Undyne and Frisk. He wasn't sure when this became his role in life, but... "let's just..." He lowered his hand away from his face and sighed as he opened his eyes. "let's just focus on the here and now, nothing else, okay?"

The Other nodded, still slumped against the wall, still wanting to slide down as their stance waivered. Sans bent down onto one knee, letting them understand that the two of them were not going anywhere just yet. The Other's eyes closed as they finally fell, sitting down on the ground as they took in deep breaths, struggling to calm down entirely. There was a moment, maybe a full minute, where the two sat their awkwardly together in a sort of silence. The trucks and cars and their strange breathing making it incomplete.

The Other's red eyes opened and they risked looking up at him again.

"Do you... hate me?" Sans was refrozen in surprise. He had to stare at them another moment... It was just too weird. To have your murderer scared about how you'll answer that. And he could see it... They really were scared that he would say 'yes'.

"well... I promised frisk-"

"I know." They interrupted quickly. "I... But... _Do_ you?"

Sans wasn't sure what to say.

The red eyes cast downward in defeat, but he could still see their face plainly.

"It's okay if you do.." The kid said. "As long as you keep pretending for Frisk."

Sans kept kneeling there in silence. He could see their lips press together, their expression telling him that they were taking his silence as that feared 'yes' and completely accepting it without offering up any other defense.

"it's not... that i hate you." Sans told them finally. The Other didn't move or change their expression. They didn't believe him. "i just don't know you." Sans continued, but then hesitated. Because that wasn't exactly true. And maybe... in more ways than one. "i also can't say that i really have the stomach for what i've already heard."

"I don't have the stomach for it either." They whispered. They finally turned their head away from him, but Sans had already seen their deep cringe as they pulled their knees up and rested their arms against them. Sans was staring again, working out if that was supposed to be a joke or not. Because... They technically didn't have a stomach either. It was Frisk's. Their knees, their arms, their face, it was all technically Frisk's.

"heh." Sans let out, just to kill the silence, but it quickly returned.

"They didn't even tell you everything..." They whispered again suddenly, and Sans was tense, his magic racing. "We... We were in that hallway for hours." There was something in their voice that made it crack and layered it with something slightly horrified as they brought up the memory. In light of yesterday's revelation, Sans felt the anger spiking upwards again, but they were still talking, they were still looking incredibly guilty. "When they mentioned that they couldn't see you... When they stumbled out into Judgement Hall... It was because.. it was dark. We... We'd been out there almost half the day, I..." They lifted their head and looked towards the cloudy sky, the promised rain still haven't fallen. But perhaps the group had just missed it, perhaps they were driving away from it as it chased after them. They couldn't race away from it forever though."I'd gotten so creative." They whispered. "When you're trying to destroy everything, you aren't very concerned with how you hurt someone." They were still staring up at the sky, but Sans could tell that they were on the verge of crying. "Even when a part of you knows you're supposed to be." Their fingernails were digging into their palms. "I'm sorry." They whispered. "I..." Their voice cracked again and they fell silent except for the sound of their uneven breathing.

"we should get going." Sans said finally. He didn't... feel as angry at seeing them as he or they had expected. It was just... different somehow, actually seeing them sit there. The Other blinked, their confusion apparent as they stared at him.

"But..."

"look... if this had happened two weeks ago before i'd had time to think it all over some, gotta admit, i probably would not been this... whatever this is. i don't even know anymore. understanding? calm? but it's been such a long weekend and tori is already freaking out and on edge and probably going to have out heads." He told them. They seemed to deflate, the dread their entire being. Sans could sort of guess why. "and that isn't even touching on how the two of you look like a train hit... ya." Sans stopped, the lights in his eyes going out as he finally got it.

To say Sans felt sick was a slight understatement.

"all these stations look the same..." He said. If where they got hit by the car was like this, then... _Shit_. "frisk should have said something!" He cried. The Other was cringing.

"They did." They whispered, not looking up at him and looking way too much like Frisk because of it. "To me."

Sans sighed heavily. That was literally not what he'd meant when he had made them promise. The last thing he'd meant! Actually... When he had made them promise he hadn't even known he could have meant it! They hadn't gotten to telling him The Other was even there! Sans shook his head.

"alright. alright." He was saying again, for them and himself. "let's just get out of here." He was standing up and The Other only hesitated briefly before obeying, pushing themself up with their hands pressed to the wall behind them. They hesitated a bit more than briefly before stepping in beside him. They didn't look entirely comfortable. Sans wasn't entirely comfortable either. But offering them his hand so they could shortcut was not as difficult as he thought it should have been, knowing this person had murdered him.

Sans was beginning to think with more certainty that his 'i don't know you' wasn't true. If they could control Frisk's body... And he had recognized right away even without seeing their eyes... There was probably at least one timeline hidden in his erased memories where it had actually been them in control. A timeline where they hadn't been murdering everything, that is.

The kid accepted his hand and he could feel they were shaking slightly, even as they stared right at him. Once again trying to feign bravery.

"hey..." Sans started again gently, not quite shortcutting away yet. "since frisk is asleep... you know i'm not lying, kay?" The kid nodded slowly, the fear only growing in the back of their eyes. "what i said to them stands for you too, alright?" He was making sure to meet their gaze, to not look away like he wanted too, and they did the same, even as they shook in his grasp. "you don't have to tell us anything you don't want to." The kid was solid with surprise for a moment but they didn't look at all convinced. "and i promise to try and not hate you."

"Why?" The kid couldn't hide how their voice came out too airy, unable to sound firm and confident like he knew they wanted to be. They couldn't hide the tears at the corner of their red eyes either.

There was another awkward moment where both of them were uncertain and keeping the other's gaze as Sans thought quickly, trying to come up with something. Their eyes were just so wide and open and scared... Somehow... Sans knew the reason they accepted his silence earlier as a default 'yes' so readily because they already hated themself...

"do you.. think even the worse person can change?"

The kid blinked in surprise again, but he could see the fear start to seep out of their eyes. They were still tense, but Sans felt their shaking stop...

"I don't know." Chara said. "But I'd like to see it..."

Sans couldn't help but feel as if they were quoting him.

Because that was his thought too...

Except... He was pretty sure he already had.

The kid was looking down again though, their face twisted away from him as they cringed again.

"We're still a huge mess." They mumbled and Sans chuckled a bit. He slowly let go of their hand and instead opted to put his arm around their shoulders. They stayed tense but didn't push him away.

"well the beauty is that everybody's a mess one way or another. well... except paps." The Other laughed, but when it died he saw their smile fall.

"I'm sorry." They repeated weakly and Sans was silent, but then...

"i know."

Just like Frisk, he knew they really _were_ sorry.

The duo arrived at the car with a blip of magic and immediately Toriel was on top of them.

"Frisk! Sans!" She called frantically. The Other lowered their head farther, as far as they could, to avoid her seeing their eyes. "Frisk what happened? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry." They said again and Toriel reached for their hands and they let her take them.

"Frisk, MK said something was wrong with your eyes, something red, what-"

"they were crying, tori." Sans told her, assuming the truth of it was too much for the kid to handle right then, which had been part of the reason why he hadn't addressed it either. The fact that he had figured out _exactly_ who they were. They really did just need to take this all slowly...

"Crying?" Toriel asked but then looked down at 'Frisk' again. "Frisk? My child?" The Other was grimacing but their eyes were closed tightly as they shook their head.

"It's nothing. I don't want to... I..." Sans was cringing as well as the heartbreak was clear on Toriel's face. "I don't want to talk about it." They continued. "Please... Let's just leave. Let's just go _home_." Sans knew the distress in their voice wasn't acting, and Toriel's face only fell even more. Helpless.

"Alright." She said sadly, looking down at the ground. "Alright, let us go." She guided the kid to the car, their head still down, and reluctantly she let them go to head to the other side of the car, to retake their original spots.

"Yo! Frisk! I'm sorr-" The Other was hugging MK and Sans paused as he watched them.

"It's nothing." The Other said sternly. "Sorry I freaked out. It's... It's not you. Promise. " The Other was pulling away, not looking at MK but at the car door now that damage control with one of Frisk's closest friends was done. "Can I...?" MK blinked, but seemed slightly relieved as they followed the red eyes' gaze.

"Oh. O-Okay..." MK said stepping back.

"FRISK-?" Papyrus was by his door, leaning over the roof of the car, wanting to help too.

"paps..." Sans said softly, standing by his own door. "just let them be." Papyrus' face was wide with alarm, and... that face. That _face_. The one of his nightmares. That concerned, helpless expression.

"BUT-!"

"please, paps. leave it for now. let's just get home. please." Papyrus' expression on fell even more and Sans felt the hypocrisy of the previous day smash him in the back of the head. Sans was just making it worse, but... This time, it wasn't his place to tell. It didn't make that face any less painful to watch. But luckily, Papyrus was slumping over in uncharacteristic defeat. This weekend had just put everyone in tough spots they were unaccustomed to. Sans was so glad it was finally, almost over.

"O... OKAY." Papyrus said getting in the driver seat but unable to keep himself from looking back as Sans slid in next to him. MK waited by the door as the kid slid in to take the middle seat next to Toriel. Toriel turned her head in surprise, not having expected it.

"My child?" They didn't reply as they immediately rested their head in her lap. Toriel jumped slightly in surprise, and her eyes were wide as she stared down at them as MK got in the car and pulled the door shut with their tail. The atmosphere was uncomfortable as Toriel placed her hand on the resting child's head. They twisted, burring their face in her robe, their fingers clutching at the fabric as they coiled tightly into a little ball.

The car sputtered to life and Papyrus reluctantly started to drive in silence, everyone in the car hyper aware of the muffled sniffles starting to escape.

MK was watching in pure confusion, at a loss of what to make of the scene or what to do. Sans could tell though, that they were very aware that these tears were not like the ones before. MK turned towards Sans, leaning in close to his seat and Sans turned to meet their gaze expectantly.

"Sans... are they alright?" MK asked in a hushed whisper though everyone in the car could still hear them clearly. Sans looked back at the ball of sniffles against Toriel's lap. Toriel was now watching him now too, her eyes alert and staring through him, his guilt clung to his bones.

"no." He admitted, looking into her eyes. Then, he escaped into MK's, so much easier to handle than hers. "but they will be... eventually." MK's eyes were wide and they were looking back the kid curled up in Toriel's lap. "there's just some things they're not ready to talk about yet. " Toriel's eyes were filling with tears too as she began to rub their head gently. "we just gotta let them know we'll be there when they are." MK was silent before shifting in their seat and rested against the other kid's back.

"I'll be there." MK said sadly, but earnestly, meaning every word of it.

"AND SO SHALL I!" Papyrus declared loudly.

"My child..." Toriel said brokenly.

It only made Chara cry more loudly in their mother's arms.

.

Frisk woke up crying, jolting in fear as the darkness continued to surround them. But there was the smell of cinnamon-butterscotch pie and slowly their muscles relaxed. But... They stared up at the ceiling, tears continuing to fall...

Frisk was vaguely aware the tears were not all theirs.


	18. Affording To Give Back

Frisk was standing in front of the mirror in Home, their entire body protesting and their head feeling like it was full of little pins, poking into the side of their temples. They had put the pie in their inventory like usual, and this time it was also to help get rid of the accusing smell. But they could not escape it fully. The guilt. It hurt worse than their head.  
They'd come to the mirror only to see if they could do something to hide the fact they'd been crying again, but that was pointless. Toriel already knew they'd been doing nothing but cry since she'd found them. All through the Ruins as she had carried them, even as she had tucked them in and they had been slipping out of it, they had been sniffling. The whites of their eyes were red even as their irises remained brown.

_*It's you_

The Other was silent, but Frisk was still cowering in on themself, their aching muscles going rigid.

It had all been them... All been Frisk... Their fault. They'd...

Unable to keep looking at their reflection Frisk slinked away, towards the living room at a snails pace. They didn't want to get there, but they knew they would be unable to hide away forever. The sooner they did this... The sooner they could get moving...

Standing in the doorway, Frisk watched Toriel as she read. Her face was creased with worry. Frisk's eyes stung as they wanted to start crying again, but they had nothing left. Instead, the pain was unable to escape and it was tight in their chest. A strangled noise escaped the back of their throat, half of a whimper, and Toriel's head lifted quickly.

"Oh! Child! You're awake." Toriel exclaimed as she got up from her seat.

She always got up from her seat in timelines they had needed her to carry them. But this time, Frisk cowered, wanting to lean up against the frame of the doorway as Toriel approached. But they could not escape. They could not escape her and her concern that they did not deserve.

"There is no need to be afraid, my child." Toriel told them softly as she bent down on one knee in order to be closer to their eye level. Frisk's stomach was rolling, flipping with fear and guilt. It was the first time Frisk was ale to see her clearly this timeline, and that look... Her expression was so soft, kind... It was so different from... Her shock, her sense of betrayal.

_"Y... You really hate me that much?"_

No... N-No... Frisk was shaking their head, even as they knew she had not asked them anything in this timeline. It only caused her concern to grow and she paused.

"Child?" Frisk was clutching at their own arm, giving in and leaning against the doorframe, squishing their fingers as they struggled to breath. "It's alright." Toriel said calmly. So soft. But if she knew. If she just remembered! Knew like Sans was going to know... But right then, she was still so worried about them. "My name is Toriel." She told them, bending her back so she was even bellow their gaze and looking up, trying her hardest to calm them. Trying her hardest to get them to stop cowering. "This is my home. You remember, do you not? I brought you here."

Home... Frisk's stomach turned again and they took another quick breath. Home.

The pain and guilt was too much in their chest, squeezing, and somehow it felt doubled. No... Not somehow. The Other... The Other was listening too, Frisk realized. That double was theirs. But as soon as Frisk thought it, it was gone, Frisk felt it closed off from them, guarded away again.

"I'm..." Frisk couldn't repeat it though. They couldn't tell either of them they were sorry. Neither would really understand. And for Toriel, she would simply tell them it was alright.

It was not alright.

"I.. I have to go." Frisk managed weakly instead, looking Toriel in the eyes. She blinked as she watched them with wide eyes. She could see their fear but misinterpreted it.

"My child... This is a safe place for you, I will protect you." She told them. Frisk was not the one needing protection. Frisk was never the one who had needed protection-

_"Now I see who I was protecting by keeping you here. Not you... but them!"_

If she remembered. If she simply knew. Frisk was the only danger here. The only danger there had ever been! She was so worried about the rest of the Monsters hurting Frisk, she had never stopped to think that... That Frisk would... Could...

Her broken laugh. Her dust... Her heart, Soul, shattering... Her kind expression, it could easily twist into something cruel, cruel and hard and Frisk deserving it all. If she knew. If she just knew!

They had to leave. They had to go, just go-

"I know it is all strange and new. I know you are scared, but I promise. I will protect you." She said again. "I will care for you"

Mo-... Caregiver... _Caregiver_... They didn't deserve anything else.

"This can be your home now!"

Frisk was shaking their head softly.

"My child..."

She didn't understand! She couldn't!

Toriel seemed torn. She wanted to lift her arms and comfort them. She wanted to let them hide away in her arms like they had before, back when Frisk had been too far gone and had let themself indulge selfishly in it. But now both she and Frisk held back. Frisk could tell she was afraid of scaring them even more.

"I'm sorry." Frisk whispered, shaking again as they pulled back. Toriel's expression fell again.

"Child... You have nothing to be sorry for!" A dry sob was ripping through Frisk, the pain twisting their face. Toriel leaned forward for a moment wanting to reach out, but then moved back, her expression helpless. She had no clue what to do. She could only kneel there with her arms parted.

Frisk didn't deserve it. To cry, to accept her kindness, her embrace... It was selfish. So selfish to take advantage of her inability to remember. But... Frisk lunged forward to Toriel's surprise and yet also her relief. Because she could finally wrap her arms around them and try to soothe them, rubbing their back gently.

Everything smelled of pie, so warm... No longer of dust.

But Frisk could still feel it between their fingers.

Frisk stayed there for three days, never once leaving the house, not once speaking another word. They stayed by Toriel's side, resting against her legs as she read, never fully able to look her in the eyes yet also unable to pull away.

Frisk didn't deserve this. Didn't deserve to be there... Didn't deserve to stay. They didn't. Didn't...

Frisk couldn't stop crying. They couldn't stop seeing Toriel's expression morph hatefully in their imagination. The haunting guilt was drowning them... But even as if hurt, Frisk clung to it desperately. That feeling. Because the alternative... Was feeling nothing at all.

That could not happen. Frisk could not let that happen.

The Other was a silent wall. It was as if they were keeping their back turned to Frisk as they lingered in the darkness of Frisk's mind, not once looking back over their shoulder to see what Frisk was up to. And never once did Frisk call out or press up against the barrier The Other had formed between them.

The very thought was terrifying.

But so was not having even a clue as to what The Other was thinking or feeling. If they were feeling anything at all.

The third day Toriel made lasagna...

Frisk was kicking their feet weakly as they stared at the food in front of them, the red and cheesy sauce too much for their stomach. Toriel was coming back with her own plate, to sit across from them, and Frisk closed their eyes, taking in a deep breath.

The smell filled them with determination. Resolve. They had to be.

They lifted their head as their eyes opened, tears building up in the back of their gaze but Frisk blinked them away as much as they could. They couldn't afford tears. They just couldn't.

Nor could they eat this, not with how close it reminded them of...

It was time.

It was time to go.

They had to.

"T-Toriel..." Frisk began. Immediately Toriel stopped moving her fork and looked up expectantly. Frisk had not spoken in days, and now she was eager to listen, to help, to do anything! It made Frisk hesitate and Frisk even felt The Other stir in the back of their mind, perhaps curiously.

"Yes, my child?" Toriel asked, willing them to continue. She would do anything. Anything! Anything except for what Frisk was going to ask.

"How do I leave to Ruins?" They had to go... They just had to go! The colour was draining from Toriel's face.

"This is no time to discuss such things, my child." She told them firmly, lifting up her fork. "Eat your food." Frisk felt sick. Sick. Their stomach turning.

"How do I leave the Ruins?" They asked again, their voice soft. Toriel kept her fork lifted halfway, but Frisk could tell she was trying to collect herself as her face fell. Frisk expected her to put the fork down. To put it down and then stand up. Frisk expected her to go to the door, but...

Toriel was putting down the fork, but she was not rising up. She was looking directly at Frisk.

"My child... You are safe here. There is no need for this. You cannot-." She paused, seeing the expression on Frisk's face, Toriel's own shifted brokenly. "Are you really not happy here? Am I not...?" Frisk was looking down. It wasn't her. It wasn't her fault, her problem. Frisk just had to go. They had to. They just had to-

*Frisk...

Frisk froze solid, their hands squeezing the seat of their chair as they stopped breathing. It was jarring to hear The Other after several days of near total silence.

*You should just...

*Stay here.

*It's better than...

*Knowing for certain that he was lying.

Frisk could feel the weight of The Other's tone almost as if it was physical. Frisk's chest tightened but they were squeezing the seat of their chair even more tightly. They were determined. They would stay determined. Even if their voice did not back up that image fully. Even if their voice cracked with the edge of tears.

"How to exit the Ruins." Frisk said again, lifting their head. Toriel's expression was even more hurt, devastated. She'd been giving them everything. All the comfort she could. But Frisk just couldn't accept it. They didn't deserve it. They had to go.. Had to. They just couldn't explain it all to her, the why. They couldn't let her in. Fully open up. They just couldn't. They couldn't stay.

The Other was falling away again, not even protesting Frisk' idiocy. Frisk was holding their breath again as they felt The Other go and a stab of guilt. Toriel's closed her eyes and stood up.

"Stay here. There is something I must do."

As soon as she had walked past, Frisk was sliding off of their chair and heading after her, even as their legs shook beneath them. Even as they felt light and dizzy, not wanting to do any of this. To fight. To be there.

Toriel stopped ahead of them just like every other time, and Frisk teetered as they struggled to breathe.

"You wish to know how to return home, do you not?"

The words struck forcefully, piercing into their chest as Frisk flinched and looked down.

Home...

There was no going back. Not really.

They'd ruined everything.

They'd wanted to call her...

Frisk's eyes closed as they clenched their fist tightly.

"Ahead of us lies the end of the Ruins. A one-way exit to the rest of the underground. I am going to destroy it. No one will ever be able to leave again." Toriel lifted her head higher, her voice firmer as she ordered them. "Now.. be a good child and go upstairs."

Frisk had never been a good child... They'd always known that and they had proven it even further... Frisk stepped forward, certain of what they had to do. They had to.

"Every human that falls down here meets the same fate." Toriel said mournfully. "I have seen it again and again."

Children coming and going... Unable to fully help them while so desperate to. All she had to give was her smile and support. Her love... It was just... Frisk didn't deserve it. Couldn't stay. Just couldn't...

"They come. They leave."

Caregiver...

"They die."

If only... If Frisk had just been able to die, to fade away... Last timeline would have never happened...

"My child..." Frisk paused, Toriel's voice seemed to crack, as if she was on the verge of tears instead of being stern and aloof like usual, instead of being condescending.

"You do not understand. If you leave the Ruins, you will also.. I am only protecting you, do you understand?... go to your room." She begged.

Frisk continued to follow.

"Please... Do not try and stop me, please child..."

Toriel stood before the doorway, her back still turned to Frisk.

"You want to leave so badly? You... You are just like the others." The words were the same, but the tone, the meaning, was not. She turned towards Frisk, and Frisk stood surprised at the tears in her eyes. "Why can you not just stay?" She demanded. "Listen to me! I just wish to protect you! If you leave... You will die! Why can you not understand?!"

Frisk tried to stand firm, even as they felt sick to their stomach and shook, waiting for their Soul to be summoned. They did not want to Fight. They did not want to... The last time their Soul had been summoned was in Judgment Hall and they did not know if they would be able to handle it. But they had to. They had to go!

"Very well..." Toriel said shutting her eyes. When they reopened, Frisk felt the rush of magic and their Soul blazed brightly ahead of them. "Prove to me! Prove to me you are strong enough to survive!"

Frisk's chest was moving up and down quickly, so sick, head spinning. Their eyes shut. The guilt was eating away at them.

SPARE

The impulse was immediate and forceful. Frisk would not even draw the stick. They would not even...

Frisk felt the heat of the flames coming, but they could not bring themself to open their eyes. The heat was searing, and Frisk bit their lip hard, whimpering, but as they did the attack faltered.

"My child!" Toriel shouted in alarm. "Open your eyes! Dodge!"

No... N-No...

SPARE.

The attacks resumed but quickly Frisk noted they were less intense than usual.

"Fight! You cannot just stand there! Child!"

Frisk shook their head. They couldn't! They wouldn't! They just couldn't!

SPARE

They were going to die, Frisk realized. They were going to die and wake up in a bed of flowers because they had refused to Save this entire time. Too terrified that the Stars would still be cold... And now...

SPARE

But... They should have been dead by now. The attacks just weren't tearing their Soul apart.

"Fight or run away!" Toriel shouted. Frisk shook their head again even as they shivered in place. "What are you doing?! What are you proving in this way?"

The attacks were no longer hitting them, though Frisk could still feel the heat next to them.

SPARE

The attacks stopped all together.

"Child..." Frisk's eyes opened, uncertain. The attacks should not have stopped yet... But Toriel... She looked broken standing across from them. "Child why?" Toriel pleaded. "What can I possibly do to make you want to stay? To make you happy?"

The question was too similar, too similar and yet the opposite.

How could Frisk deserve to stay? How could Frisk make all of them happy? To make them want Frisk to stay? All the while messing it up in any way possible. Frisk had messed this up...

_"Y... You really hate me that much?"_

She should hate them... She would hate them...

"What can I possibly do to help you?" Toriel continued and tears were beginning to build up in Frisk's eyes, mirroring the ones in Toriel's. "What am I doing wrong?" Frisk shook her head.

"I have to go." Frisk cried. "I just have to go." Toriel's eyes closed, the pain clear in her expression. Frisk was hurting her, hurting her worse than ever before, but she just could not understand. "I don't..." Frisk felt so sick to their stomach, at the memories, the memories and how Frisk had just let it all happen, feeling nothing. "I don't deserve to be here." They whispered. Toriel's eyes were open, wide with alarm, and Frisk could see... She had seemed to have heard something like that before. Frisk briefly thought of The Other, wondering... But it faded away, Frisk could only focus on themself, on their own sins. "I don't deserve to be here." Frisk said again, more desperately.

"Child, that is not true. You-"

"I don't!" Frisk was shaking their head, their hands digging into their hair as they looked down at the ground. "I don't deserve to be here. Anything you've given me... But I... I want to. I want to deserve this again." Frisk forced themself to lift their head, to look her in the eyes even though it was torture. "I... I want to stay!" They admitted. "I want to call you 'Mom'!" But they'd... "But I've..."

Toriel was finally crying now, her hand to her mouth as she watched them come apart.

"Child..." They could see the questions in her eyes: Who hurt you? Who did this to you? "My child... You can! You can stay! Stay with me! Please! If you leave he will kill you! Please..."

"You don't understand." Frisk cried. "You just don't understand... I... I have to go! There is so much I have to do! I have to make it up to everyone!" Frisk's fingers were digging into their hair again. "I don't know how I'm going to make it up to everyone!" They sobbed. "But I have to try! I have to go! Even if he still does hate me! Even if I can't do it! I have to try! I have to!"

Toriel's arms were warm around them and Frisk buried their face against her as they both cried.

"I wanna be good. I wanna change. I wanna try! I wanna try again! Please... I have to go... I have to... There's something I have to do. Please..." Their voice was growing softer and softer, but they had to! "Please..."

"You'll be all alone." Toriel cried, it tugged on Frisk's heart, but also... There was a sense of comfort in that statement. Because...

"Not this time." Frisk said.

Frisk believed. Frisk believed in that promise. His. Theirs. And they... They wanted to be determined. To stay determined.

Frisk lifted their arms to hug Toriel back, holding on tightly. They didn't deserve this... They never would again, not really... No matter how badly they want to, they never will deserve it again. Not after what they did to her. To all of them. But... They still wanted to try. They wanted to at least give something back if they could.

They still...

They still wanted this to be their home.

Even if they didn't deserve it...

They still...

"I love you." Frisk whispered. Frisk knew, that this specific scene, would never repeat. And she would not remember. Frisk would not lie to themself and imagine this being their last Reset, they would not do that to themself. But it was almost freeing for once. "I love you!" Frisk cried louder, squeezing Toriel.

Frisk had never told her that... Frisk had never told any of them except Sans, but he could not return the feeling.

"I love you, too." Toriel whispered, and Frisk... Frisk buried their face, accepting it. Just this once. Just this once they would accept it. Because that was the only way to step forward. She would not remember. She would not... Frisk could indulge in it. Just this once.

"I'm sorry, Mom..." Toriel was crushing them. "I'm sorry..."

Sorry for what they have done. Sorry she can't help but love them. If she could remember... She would not remember.

"I have to get going." Frisk whispered as they lifted their head. Toriel pulled back, wiping at her eyes as she tried to collect herself.

"I... I do not understand." Toriel told them. "But if this is what you truly need then, for you... I will put my own fears aside, I will..."

She let go of them and Frisk reluctantly stepped back as she opened the door for them. Frisk waited for her to leave, to tell them to not come back, but...

"Please... Stay safe." Toriel begged as she watched them and Frisk realized... She was going to watch them go. Frisk moved towards the door and hesitated, waiting, waiting... "Goodbye, my child..." Frisk felt weightless as they began to leave, to slip out and away. "My child!" Frisk froze, their fingers on the doorway as their heart raced and they looked over their shoulder. A part of them wanted her to resist furthur, to stall what happened next.

Anything. Anything she could offer.

"What is your name?"

Except that...

She had asked them the second day, at breakfast, but Frisk had not responded. Now, she was watching them expectantly, hopefully. Frisk closed their eyes tightly as they turned away.

"Frisk." They slipped out without waiting to hear her say it back to them lovingly.

Flowey was not there to greet them, and Frisk was incredibly relieved... But it also meant they made it to the door to Snowdin forest sooner.

 _You should get going_ , Frisk prompted themself, forcing one foot in front of the other. The sooner they got this done the better but that didn't mean they still weren't terrified.

The snow crunched beneath their feet, and the wind was biting against their tearstained face. As they made their way, their chest was already heaving. But they had to. Had to do this. Had to...

The branch snapped and Frisk nearly jumped out of their skin despite having expected it. They closed their eyes tightly as they walked, they could hear his movements. They only stopped when their feet hit wood. Then, they stood there shaking, shivering, they wanted to throw up...

 **"h u m an."** His tone was dark and dead and it took everything in Frisk to not just immediately RESET right then. "don't you know how to greet a new pal?" He asked, but Frisk knew that he knew. He knew that it isn't true. And now he knows that they were an awful friend... If they could consider themself his friend at all.

But he'd promised. They'd promised.

"turn around and shake my hand." Frisk forced themself to open their eyes. They still felt light headed, light in general, as they turned obediently. They're terrified, but their eyes lock onto his face first.

The last time they had seen it, he had been on the point of nearly crying and so scared, but also slightly hopeful beyond all logic. Now... He was cringing, but there was no blue in his gaze either and nor were they blackened.  
His hand was outstretched towards them, but Frisk... They could see his fear, even the slightest hint of disgust in his features. They stood there just as terrified but guilty.

Frisk lifted their hand but couldn't bring themself to grab his, they hesitated... His expression... He doesn't want to be there. He doesn't want to be offering his hand... Frisk's fingers coiled together a bit, though their arm seemed stuck in midair.

"You don't..." They were surprised they could even speak, that their voice was following their command. But this... felt important. An important first step. "You don't have to."

He didn't have to try and appease them, just because they were the anomaly... He doesn't have to play along... As long as he is willing to try and let them try too.

Sans hesitated and Frisk thought they really would throw up, at how knowing his gaze was...

"I'm sorry..." They breathed.

Frisk knew he knew. He had to know. And he wouldn't believe them, their apology, but Frisk didn't expect him to. Just..

They're going to try! Going to...

Frisk could feel The Other perking up, watching as if over their shoulder...

Suddenly, Sans was lifting his hand out closer to them.

"well..." Frisk could tell he was a bit shaken. "don't know where you're from exactly, but down here we just shake hands." Frisk hesitated still, uncertain if he truly was offering because he had decided to and not because he still thought it was what they wanted. But... Frisk took a deep breath and took his hand firmly.

**PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT**

The tears were stinging Frisk's eyes again, and... a smile was spreading across their face. Frisk laughed as a tear escaped down their cheek.

"heh. the old whoopee cushion in the hand trick. it's ALWAYS funny." Frisk was lifting a hand to wipe at the bottom of their eyes as they kept holding on to his hand. Sans lifted a brow.

"Y-Yeah." They agreed. They reluctantly let go of his hand finally but stood up taller. There were other reasons to shake peoples hands, they remembered, and it filled them with determination. They'd promised. He'd promised.

Frisk was never going to break his trust ever again...

The Other was turning away again, and Frisk knows they still don't believe he is telling the truth. Frisk could also see why, his expression, the way he was watching them as he continued to talk.

He was still so scared.

Frisk was scared too.

But they were going to do this.

They were going to give all of them something back!

Everyone.

...

..

Even Chara.

.

Sans sat back lazilly at the dining table as Toriel made her way through the cupboards for the pancake mix. It was too early for this... But welp.

"When I said to be here before Frisk got home I did not mean to be here before they even left." She told him. Sans shrugged.

He'd come over with no real explaination and Toriel had let him in of course, even poured him a cup of coffee, but the conversation, he noticed, was a bit sparse. The atmosphere between them was still tense, strange.. And it was made worse by the fact Sans knew today was going to be rough.

"Well anyways, since you're here, will you please go wake Frisk?" She asked.

"sure thing." Sans said, getting up, glad to have an excuse to escape and also glad for the chance to talk to the kid before everything went down.

Frisk was already in the doorway of their room, and when they noticed him in the hallway the paused, blinking in surprise. But then... Their eyes narrowed sadly and they made their way over wordlessly. They rested their head against his ribcage. Now it was Sans' turn to be surprised. They were just standing there... Their arms limp at their sides. Sans wrapped his arms around them in a tight hug.

"what's wrong, kiddo?" He whispered.

"I had a bad dream." They admitted.

"what 'bout?" Frisk didn't speak for a second and Sans thinks they just aren't going to until-

"I'd Reset." They whispered, and Sans was frozen on the spot. "I was surrounded by flowers. I couldn't breath. And then when I looked up... You were standing there." They sounded on the verge of crying but horribly even. "Your eyes were black and your smile was hollow. No matter what I did, you wouldn't respond. You just stared brokenly, like I wasn't even there." Sans' grip around them tightened.

"we're here." He promised. "i'm listenin'." They were silent a moment but he didn't feel them relax.

"Are we telling her today?" They whispered.

"i'm not going to force you." He told them again, honestly "but i think the sooner we get it out there, the better." Frisk shivered, scared, and when Sans pulled away he went down onto his knees so he could be at their eye level.

The kid looked absolutely miserable.

"hey." Sans started, grabbing their hands. "they can hear me too, right?" Frisk's eyes widened in alarm but then nodded slowly, their lips pressed together thinly. Sans squeezed their fingers. "it's going to be okay." He promised. "she loves you..."

Frisk tried to look down at the floor, but they were forced to look at their hands in his.

"she loves both of you."

Their eyes snapped upwards into his, blazing gold.

"i'm not an idiot, chara." They were frozen, for a moment, their eyes were even more red than gold. "well... guess i'm a little bit of an idiot." Sans admitted. "a bit of a bone head." They smiled weakly at the joke but the smile fell easily as did the red in their eyes, back to amber gold... They looked too apprehensive. "she loves you." Sans repeated.

"You met?" Frisk whispered, eyes still gold but most definitely Frisk. Sans chuckled as he stood up.

"yup." Frisk's eyes were confused, but Sans could see a silent conversation going on in their head. Their eyes refocused on him but they were silent. He could tell they were trying to find a way to stall.

"let's go get some breakfast, alright?" Frisk was cringing, but their unspoken excuses had already fallen flat. Their grip was relentless as they kept one of his hands hostage as they walked towards the kitchen.

"Good morning, my child!" Toriel called from the oven, a plate of already prepared cakes to the side. She had a strange, even hurt expression at the sight of the two of them holding hands, and suddenly... Sans realized what it was that she had been feeling all this time.

An extremely misplaced jealousy...

Sans took a deep breath. Hopefully after this, Sans could give her something back in all of this. Make it all up to her.

"tori..." Sans began. He felt Frisk's fingers tighten _mercilessly_. "i think its best if you and the kiddo took the mornin' off..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that I originally got this done on time for mother's day will be one of my happiest achievements.


	19. Needing To Be Saved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaah. Thank you all for your kind comments! I'm still getting used to the fact A03 has no private messaging? So I probably won't respond to each comment individually unless I have something specific to say that isn't just aSAdsakglhsa;d, and since I don't want to just repeat and repeat and repeat myself. But thaaaaank you!!!! You have destroyed me in the best ways possible.  
> But another reminder that this is also posted on Fanfiction dot net and is considerably ahead there. But if you like the slower pace, I understand that perfectly as well.

True Lab was sharper and colder than Frisk remembered, the darkness a lot more ominous. It smelled like secrets. Secrets that had once made Frisk regret their nosy nature. Again. Even if it hadn't technically led them into trouble and had even been encouraged, still Frisk had regretted it that first time. There had been so much down there. It had all been a bit too much. And something had felt as if it had been unraveling inside them with each new thing they had encountered.

Especially when it came to standing there, in the room with the tapes.

Now, after everything that had happened, it was even worse.

Frisk's reflection in the darkened television screen was too dim to make out any of their features. It could have been a different child entirely standing there. The Other. Or another Frisk perhaps.

A Frisk that had never killed anyone. A Frisk that had not broken anyone's trust.

Frisk wished they could somehow make it so. But they couldn't.

Nor could they bring themself to bring out the first tape and listen.

All the times before, Frisk had _always_ listened to the tapes. It was refreshing to hear Toriel and Asgore so excited and in love, so unashamedly happy. It was the only time Frisk ever got to hear Asriel laugh.. Truly laugh... It had always helped drive Frisk forward, to keep going, to save him-

_*But we can't..._

Frisk's head dropped and they stared at their feet with understanding. Because always, they had listened to the tapes... But not just the first few tapes either. Not just the happy ones filled with laughter. Always, for some reason, they would keeping putting in the tapes, even knowing what they morphed into. It hadn't been because Frisk had wanted to, it was just... there had been a stirring in their chest, a push for them to do it, and so... Frisk had. It had felt wrong, selfish even, to not listen to each of them.

Now Frisk knew a bit better.

Mentally, hesitantly, Frisk reached out slowly towards The Other but then stopped. The barrier was still up. The Other was not even watching. Not even trying. Not even wanting to... There were tears in the back of Frisk's eyes... Frisk didn't know what to do anymore. Frisk was too scared to do anything. Too scared of what would happen if they did. Too scared to not have The Other reach back.. But also... Too scared about what would happen if The Other actually _did_.

Frisk just had to keep going. To just keep moving forward. Even if it was at a snail's pace. Frisk just had to get to the end and then they would try to figure things out.

Frisk wasn't sure how long they had actually been at this timeline. They had been through what was probably way too many Loads and deaths. Frisk would make their way through part of it, breakdown, and then Load back. Doing it over until they got through without anyone noticing just how much of a mess they were. How difficult it was to look anyone in the eyes. Without immediately spewing apologies that were impossible to explain.

Frisk had probably spent an entire 'day' letting themself die to Undyne. Another just to get through the hangout without collapsing entirely into a ball of sobs.

That didn't even compare to what had felt like a week they had spent in Snowdin Forest. The day they had spent avoiding their fight with Papyrus.

Though Frisk couldn't be sure about how long it had all been. Not with how time was snapping back and forth.

It was just so hard to force a smile, to just keep going. To not just Reset and stay in the Ruins forever.

Because it was all the same. All of it was still the same. But it wasn't. It wasn't! None of it was the same. How could they still act like that? How? Even... Sans... He knew. He did! He had to! They saw it in his face! But still he forced a smile, still he said the same things. Never straying. And so... Frisk had to try and do the same. If Sans could do it, they could too. To just... But... It was so hard. So hard... All they had was their guilt to keep them feeling. Their guilt... But also... Their love.

_"I love you, Papyrus."_

_"I LOVE YOU TOO, HUMAN! JUST... PLATONICALLY."_

_"I love you, Undyne."_

_"WHA-?! Fuhu... You punk... I love you too, okay?"_

_"I love you, Alphys."_

_"Wh-What? I-I... I mean.. O-Oh... I... I..! I love you t-too! I..."_

Frisk's arms had wrapped around each of them tightly. Even MK as they had tried to leave...

_"I'm sorry."_

The love and the guilt made it all real.

Nothing was just repeating with no consequences.

Because even though the others did not remember, Frisk did and Sans knew.

_*You should get going._

Frisk made their way through True Lab and then out towards New Home...

They took extra long in Saving outside, the warmth of the Star tingling against their fingertips. The first time they had Saved in Snowdin Forest had been a relief. The Stars were no longer cold, they were warm again! And with their new wave of confidence that had come from their renewed promise, it had proven to them that they were trying. It meant that they could keep going. But now... They were scared again. Scared to keep going. Scared of facing this.

Facing this alone.

The memories. The truth.

Last time they'd been there... They'd almost... They'd...

Frisk took a deep breath. They would not be returning to this Save Star. They could only handle this once, and the sooner they got it done and over the better. But... Then they'd be in Judgment Hall. Then they'd be in... In the garden. With... Asriel. They were going to see Asriel. They hadn't seen him since he had left them, trembling in fear as they had laughed. How were they going to face him?

How were they going to face _any_ of this?

The faded house. The room flooded with orange light and Sans... Everyone coming for them when they didn't deserve it. Would everyone even still come for them? They... They didn't deserve it. What if Flowey, Asriel, changed the game? But... He... He had gotten Papyrus to get Undyne to call them and ask them to deliver the letter. Flowey had manipulated them into reaching the True Lab. So...

They couldn't worry about this. Whatever happened would happen.

Frisk couldn't actually determine anything, after all.

_*You should get going._

Frisk forced their way into the grayed out house, the scent of golden flowers assaulting them and stinging their eyes as stale ghosts hovered around them, the lingering smell of dust. But New Home was no longer empty, deserted.

Their Soul was ripped from their chest...

"A long time ago, a human fell into the Ruins."

"Injured by its fall, the human called for help."

_*You called for help._

"Asriel, the king's son, heard the human's call."

"He brought the human back to the castle."

_"Howdy, Chara! You finally made it home!"_

_Home..._

_*But nobody came._

Frisk slipped the first yellow key onto their chain and began to make their way slowly, so slowly, towards the bedroom. They dared not even think about taking the knife. They dared not lift their eyes to see the bed in the corner. Their eyes only fixed on the first present. Where the locket rested, waiting. But even then Frisk hesitated. They stared at the locket in its wrapping, glistening gold.

Best Friends Forever...

Frisk couldn't really consider themself anybody's friend, could they? Not really. Not when they others had no clue as to what they had done, and The Other... The _Other_...

Frisk's eyes closed and they squeezed the heart tightly as they lifted it up out of the box and slipped it around their neck. It no longer seemed to be beating... It was just heavy with guilt.

The chain could have easily cut into their skin for the lie it was to be wearing it.

Frisk stopped by the mirror, shock on their face at what they saw. Frisk barely recognized themself. They were the very expression of guilt. Scared. Worn down. Frisk couldn't hide it. They were shaking.

_*Despite everything, it's still you._

It was true... It was still Frisk. Just Frisk. The Other...

_*It's me, Chara..._

The Other was still slipped behind the barrier.

Frisk left it all alone, forcing their way through the house and its memories.

"Over time, Asriel and the human became like siblings."

_"I... I'm doing this because I care about you, Chara."_

_"The truth is.. Chara wasn't really the greatest person."_

Frisk remembered that sensation, so long ago. That sensation of something trying to get away, out of Frisk's skin but then... coiling. Coiling tightly. Coiling tightly as Asriel had spoken to Frisk.

_*You had never known he had felt like this_

_*Even though its the awful truth..._

_*It hurts..._

"The King and Queen treated the human child as their own."

A pink, hand-knit sweater that says 'Mr. Dad Guy'.

Macaroni art of a flower 'For King Dad'.

Chocolate in the fridge.

"The Underground was full of hope."

"Then... One day..."

_"I'll go get the flowers."_

"The human became very ill."

_"Wake up, Chara! You are the hopes and dreams of monsters!"_

"The sick human had only one request."

"To see the flowers from their village."

_"Please... Wake up... I don't like this plan anymore. I... I..."_

"But there was nothing we could do."

The tears were reluctantly building back up in Frisk's eyes. There was no avoiding or hiding this. They couldn't Load and do this again. They were barely able to do it now.

"The next day."

"The next day."

"..."

"The human died."

_*You want to die..._

Frisk's fingers were curled together tightly, fingernails digging into skin as they continued to walk forward steadily, tears streaming down their face.

"Asriel, wracked with grief, absorbed the human's Soul."

_"... ... no, I said... I said I'd never doubt you."_

"He transformed into a being with incredible power."

_"We'll be strong! We'll free everyone."_

"With the human Soul, Asriel crossed through the barrier."

_"Frisk, Chara and I combined our SOULs together.."_

_"And we'll do it together, right?"_

"He carried the human's body into the sunset."

"Back to the village of the humans."

_"They were the one that picked up their own empty body."_

"Asriel reached the center of the village."

 _"And then, when we got to the village..._ "

"There, he found a bed of golden flowers."

"He carried the human onto it."

That deep sadness that had covered them like a blanket as Frisk had curled up in a bed of flowers.

_*The grave... He went to the grave._

A grave of flowers...

Another reason to be jealous of Chara.

_*You..._

"Suddenly, screams rang out."

"The villagers saw Asriel holding the human's body."

"They thought he had killed the child."

_"Six, right? We just have to get six..."_

"The humans attacked him with everything they had."

"He was struck with blow after blow."

"Asriel had the power to destroy them all."

_"They were the one that wanted to... to use our full power."_

"But..."

"Asriel did not fight back."

_"I was the one that resisted."_

"Clutching the human..."

_***WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!** _

"Asriel smiled, and walked away."

_***You're supposed to help me do this!** _

"Wounded, Asriel stumbled home."

Frisk had stumbled out into the hallway...

_***I WILL NOT BE BETRAYED YET AGAIN!** _

"He entered the castle and collapsed."

"His dust spread across the garden."

_"I was so scared... I couldn't feel my arms or my legs..."_

Frisk was taking in deep breaths, trying to hard to not break into uncontrollable sobs, trying so hard to keep their feet moving one in front of the other and not just collapsing helplessly. Collapsing. Falling into themself-

"The kingdom fell into despair."

That first time... That first time Asriel had forced them back to the beginning, ripping their Soul in half and snapping backwards. That internal falling sensation that hadn't been Frisk's.

_*But we can't..._

"The king and queen had lost two children in one night."

"The humans had once again taken everything from us."

_*You won't find **Mercy** here, Frisk, not with them..._

"The king decided it was time to end our suffering."

"Every human who falls down here must die."

_*Nor do they deserve any in return._

"With enough souls, we can shatter the barrier forever."

_"Six, right? We just have to get six..."_

"It's not long now."

"King Asgore will let us go."

"... give us hope."

"... save us all."

_*But we can't..._

Frisk was running.

_*Just give up, Frisk._

_*GIVE UP! GIVE UP! **GIVE UP!**_

"You should be smiling, too."

"Aren't you excited?

"Aren't you happy?"

Frisk could barely see as they stopped for the final Froggit, it staring at them so innocently. So much like that one Froggit... The one that had begged them to offer Mercy, timeline after timeline after timeline... It's eyes looked directly into theirs. Frisk could see it turning into dust.

"You're going to be free."

Oh how they had thought so. Free. Free of the pain. Free of the regret. Of the mistakes.

_*Not yours, Frisk..._

Maybe not at _first_...

Frisk pressed forward into Judgment Hall, completely ignoring the corner they had spent too long in pain. Frisk stumbled out into the harsh orange light amd the door slammed behin them as Frisk leaned back against it, letting the tears begin to finally fall as the gold Star shimmered ahead of them. Frisk dared not touch it. Not that Star. Not with its cold despair.

_"I just don't want to do this anymore..."_

But Frisk was about to fall apart. Fall...

The Star burned cold, filling them with even more dread as they fell to their knees and sobbed wordlessly into the floor.

Frisk felt abandoned. Cold. Alone...

But whose fault was that?

...

..

Sans didn't appear from his hiding place.

LOAD

Frisk tried to take a step forward, but even as the first pillar's shadow cast over them, they felt the panic rush through them.

LOAD

...

LOAD

Frisk turned their back, facing the wall, taking in uneven breaths. They couldn't do this. They couldn't... Facing Sans all the times before had been difficult enough. Even without Grillby's. Without MTT. Oh if only they could avoid here too. If only...

Technically they could. They could Reset and stay with Toriel and never have to know for certain he was lying. Just like The Other had suggested. Frisk could. So easily. Just a tug of the strings and Frisk could hide away forever. From him. From his knowing.

But they couldn't. They would never be able to stand it! They couldn't! They had to face this. Had to. Had to! So... They could.

But Frisk was shaking so horribly, they could barely stay standing.

But they had to. They had to go.

_*You should get going_

They had to do this. Had too.

_"I don't really deserve to be forgiven. Much less..."_

Right. Like Alpyhs. Even if they were so much worse than Alphys, they could... Could... They wanted to try. Try. Had to. Wanted to. He'd promised... He'd... They'd...

_"N-not to mention, l-lying so far... h... has..."_

_"Been really stressful,"_

_"and scary."_

_"..."_

_"..."_

LOAD

Frisk could see him. His face cast in shadow even as light rain down around him, even as he smiled. Frisk was breathing in quickly. Not wanting to be there. They were already there enough in their sleep, why did they have to be there? And what if Sans... What if...?

Frisk could try with the others, Frisk could make mistakes and Load and try again with the others... But not with Sans. Not with Sans or The... Maybe that was why Frisk had been avoiding both of them. The assured consequences of anything they did. Interacting with the others had been freeing. But...

Frisk just had to keep it together. To get to the end. Just to prove they still could. Then they would think about the rest. Just get to the end. Just get to the end! Assess. Assess the situation. Stand there and just listen! Let him talk, let him react. Let him...

But he knew. He knew! He knew exactly what had happened the last time they had stood here together! They could see it on his face. In his expression. There may have been no blue, no true loathing in his gaze, but still he _knew_. He would always know.

But Frisk breathed in deeply. Promises bouncing around in their mind.

This was the true test of whether or not he truly meant it.

They were so scared. Sans was so scared.

Frisk didn't think they were going to be able to do this...

"so you finally made it... the end of your journey is at hand." His voice sounded so distant, so hesitant and impersonal. It terrified Frisk, and yet... It was the most honest thing he had done this timeline. And as if scared Frisk is also felt slightly encouraging. Frisk would rather have him honestly hateful than falsely comforting.

But still..

It hurt...

A tear escaped down their cheek even as Frisk forced themself to stare ahead, their lips pressed together tightly as they stood straight and trembling.

_"Do you... Do you think even the worse person can change? T-That everyone can be a good person, i-if they just try?... H-Here's a b-better question. Are those around them willing to help them?"_

_"well we'll never know. if you never **reset**."_

"in a few moments, you will meet the king." Sans continued. "together... you will determine the future of this world."

Determine...

Frisk deserved whatever he decided and worse.

"you'll be judged for your every action."

Was this the reason he knew? So there would be consequences. So that he could actually judge their _every_ action?

"you will be judged for every EXP you've earned. what's EXP? it's an acronym. it stands for 'execution points'. a way of quantifying the pain you have inflicted on others."

Frisk suddenly shook their head, it was involuntary, and they weren't even sure why. It wasn't denial. Not denial. Then why? Sans had paused, his head tilting curiously and the shadows across his face shifted making it easier to see him. His expression was serious even as he smiled, his eye sockets a bit narrow.

"when you kill someone, your EXP increases. when you have enough EXP, your LOVE increases." Sans' eyes closed. "LOVE too is an acronym. it stands for 'Level of Violence'. a way of measuring someone's capacity to hurt."

Frisk had hurt them. Frisk had hurt all of them!

"the more you kill, the easier it becomes to distance yourself." Frisk was breaking down into sobs again, unable to control it. Their hands lifted to cover their face but Sans continued unmoved. "the more you distance yourself, the less you will hurt. the more easily you can bring yourself to hurt others."

Frisk wanted to call out. Wanted to open their mouth and speak but... They were trapped... Trapped between the two people they had hurt the most.

"..."

"... but you."

Frisk heard Sans hesitate longer than he usually did... He knows. He knew. He knew that they had gained love and then paid it back in LOVE. He knew... He wasn't pausing for dramatic effect this time. He was trying to pull himself together enough to smile and play along. That very same thing Frisk had been doing this entire timeline with everyone else.

"you never gained-"

"STOP!" Frisk shouted forcefully, lowering their arms and staring directly into his blackened eyes. His smile was hollow. "Y-You know its not true." Frisk whimpered, their eyes falling to his pink slippers. "Don't s-say it. Don't say it if you d-don't mean i-it. Please... Don't... "

EXP... LOVE... They knew all about those things now.

And those quantifications were so incomplete. So incomplete in showing Frisk's cruelty. And they were so easily erased even if the mistakes they represented did not. And even when they had had them... It had never showed it all.

Because even when Frisk hadn't killed, they still hurt them.

Hurt Toriel in leaving. Sans in Resetting, by forcing him to know what they had done forever. In killing, in taking away the surface. Frisk hurt everyone. By lying. By pretending to be a good person when they were the absolute worse.

Frisk's eyes squeezed shut painfully.

They weren't good. They weren't.

And even if they told... Like Alphys had told... It would just make things worse, wouldn't it?

Toriel would hate them, cast them out. Undyne would want them dead but they couldn't die. Papyrus... _Papyrus_... He would be the worse of all. Because with him it wouldn't change a thing. He would know and yet tell them it was alright. It was not alright.

_"What people don't know can't hurt them!"_

But Sans still knew.

And The Other...

LV... LOVE... Frisk had... had gained LOVE.

And it hadn't even been Frisk who had paid the price for it. Not really.

There were consequences. There were always consequences.

The hurt Frisk had done would never fully be gone. Not even if they Reset a million times.

"I'm sorry." Frisk breathed, the tears behind their closed eyelids. "I.. I'm sorry. I'm just a stupid doodoo butt, I'm sorry."

Frisk tried desperately to swallow the pain, to pull themself back together.

They should Load. They should take it back and start again and just let him finish, but... They couldn't. They couldn't stand to hear it. His honesty, they wanted his honesty. He never gave it to them fully, ever, but they so desperately wanted it. The truth. How he felt. They didn't want his fake smile... Frisk forced their eyes opened, dreading the smile being there.

It wasn't.

Sans wasn't even able to look at them, instead staring at the windows, at the light streaming in, the Delta Ruin. The Delta Ruin with its two alternating meanings... The two very different types of freedoms.

"I... I promised... Promise..." Frisk continued to breath, on the verge of sobbing again. "I promised to not break your trust again."

...

..

"... heh." Sans let out finally. "to break somebody's trust ya gotta have it first."

Frisk let all of their emotions seep out. Just this once. Just this once... It was too much right then. Too much. Their eyes closed in defeat.

Frisk wanted so desperately for The Other to rise up, at least a bit triumphantly in an 'I told you so', but they didn't... Frisk was alone. Alone... They'd ruined everything after all.

Except...

No. Not fully. Because...

Even... Even if his promise had been a lie. Even if it had all been a trick to get them to Reset... Frisk didn't, wouldn't, regret it.

Because...

Because even if it had all been a lie...

Frisk was so glad it hadn't been goodbye.

Frisk opened their eyes miserably, ready to face Sans and their feelings again. To get past this. Even as they continued to tremble. As they lifted their head higher, Sans was watching them briefly in the corner of his eye, and then he was staring at the wall again.

"but i do gotta admit..." Sans spoke up, his voice strangely soft, as if he didn't want to admit it to either Frisk or himself. "a part of me is sorta rootin' for ya."

Frisk stood there rooted in place, their eyes wide with surprise, not sure how to respond as they lot their breath.

"a part of me is hopin' one day... maybe... at least for a different sans, that.. that promise will mean something."

Frisk felt weightless, something spreading across their chest as his words seeped through their muscles and their head lifted higher.

"i wanna..." Sans closed his eyes. "i wanna believe you'll do the right thing." He admitted finally. "i... i **just**..."

Frisk deserved it. That anger. They had expected it and accepted it completely. But... Frisk couldn't help but smile. He had really meant it. His promise! He had meant it!

Sans sighed heavily, letting go of whatever he had intended to say.

"welp. guess you better get movin' huh?" Sans turned his back on them, ready to shortcut and leave-

"Sans!"

He stopped, his shoulders slightly hunched, as if he was just too exhausted. Frisk wondered if his eyes had gone black again. But... This was their last chance this timeline. It was... It was difficult to speak. But... Frisk had to say it. Even though he still couldn't return it, or believe it. Frisk had to say it.

"I... I love you." Their voice cracked with each word.

Sans was rigid ahead of them, unmoving...

...

..

"heh... sure."

Frisk let out a breath they had been holding as he disappeared.

Their eyes closed and they stood there with their head fallen...

There was only one last thing to do...

That wasn't true, of course. There was still so much to do. An impossible, unsurmountable amount of things to do. But... Frisk took in a deep breath, tilting their head back as they let it out.

Their feet dragged as they went along. The birds were singing, the sickening scent of flowers stopped them in place. Those flowers that promised a Reset, that promised nothing would change at all. They knew what was going to happen, but also.. didn't. So much could have changed. So much... Frisk hugged themself lightly as they couldn't bring themself to walk forward.

_*But nobody came..._

What if nobody... No... Papyrus would. The others would. Even Sans would, but not because he really wanted to.

Frisk's eyes closed again and they shivered as their stomach flipped and their hands tightened around their forearms, the sensation more than uncomfortable and the very opposite they should have been doing if they really wanted to calm down. But... The guilt, the fear, the panic... It was very real. It made all of this real. Frisk shook their head, letting their arms go and taking in another breath.

Frisk didn't think they could do this...

But that was what they had thought about Sans.

Their eyes opened and they stared upwards.

 _Ch-Chara?,_ Frisk prompted mentally.

_*But nobody came._

Nobody came.

Frisk couldn't even feel them now. And standing there, Frisk felt hurt, exhausted. They wanted their muscles to relax and let go, to not feel anything as they stepped forward. But they couldn't. Even if this fear was too much. They had to feel it.

Frisk headed out into the garden.

"Dum dee dum..."

He was humming along with the chirping birds just as always, so oblivious...

"Just a moment! I have almost finished watering these flowers."

_*You want to run._

"...Here we are."

_*You've lost your chance to run._

"You know what we must do."

_*(A strange light fills the room.)_

_*(Twilight is shining through the barrier.)_

_*(It seems your journey is finally over)_

Frisk wanted to give all of them something back. Frisk needed to give something back. Frisk- Frisk didn't know what to do. Frisk didn't know how to change anything! How to fix-

_*(You're filled with DETERMINATION.)_

"Human. It was nice to meet you."

_"It was nice to meet you."_

A goodbye. What if Frisk really would have to stay in the Ruins? What if Frisk lost all of them forever? They... They didn't deserve to be there. They deserved it. But... But...

Frisk didn't know what to do.

What was right. What was selfish. All of this was selfish wasn't it? But...

Frisk just didn't know what to do!

"Goodbye." Asgore's head was lowering, his arm rising...

 ** _Fire_**.

Frisk felt a weight falling as relief washed over them, but even then their stomach was hard and filled with cold dread.

"What a miserable creature, torturing such a poor, innocent, youth..."

_*Mom!_

"Frisk!"

At the sound of their name, Frisk was rushing forward, their arms lifting helplessly. Their mother reached down and held them close.

But... If she knew. If she just _knew_.

"... Tori... You're right... I am a miserable creature... but, do you think we can at least be friends again?"

Toriel sighed and although Frisk knew what she was going to say, her words cut through them anew.

"NO, Asgore." She said sternly.

If she knew...

"Ngaahhhhh! Asgore! Human! Nobody fight each other! Everyone's gonna make friends, or else I'll...! I'll..."

If Undyne knew!

"Hello, I'm Toriel. Are you Frisk's friend?"

"F-Frisk?"

Here they were. Everyone coming to save Frisk. Just like they always did, but as they stood there, Frisk trembled. This was it. This was it! No going back. None...

Everyone was smiling for them. Everyone was so happy to see them.

But if they knew. If they just knew!

"I'm..." Frisk's heart was racing, already edging on panic, apologies on their lips as they struggled to breath in evenly.

"hey guys... what's up?"

Frisk froze in place, their breath hitching, stopping as they stared at him... It was the first time the mere sight of him had calmed them down. It was so bizarre. To be so terrified because he knew, and at the same time... He knew. He knew and yet...

_"all i need is papyrus..."_

Sans had turned his head slightly, his scared gaze meeting theirs, and Frisk had stood up straighter.

_"and maybe one day... that can include you too."_

_"maybe, for another sans, that promise will mean somethin'."_

Sans knew.

And even though Frisk didn't deserve it... He had...

Frisk was ready. Ready to face this.

_"i wanna believe you can do the right thing."_

"Frisk!"

"FRISK!"

There were vines everywhere. Just like usual. Just like always. But this time, everyone screamed out their true name in absolute terror, frantic in concern that Frisk did not deserve from any of them. Vines wrapped too tightly around their arms as they were held helplessly across from the rest of their friends, their Soul in plain view for everyone to see.

"Every single time! Hee hee hee." There was no more trace of fear in Flowey as he sneered at them triumphantly. "You think your little stunt last timeline could scare me into giving you what you want?" He demanded. "Like I've said, what? A HUNDRED TIMES? This GAME will never end! I'll always hold victory and then tear it away." He tilted his head grotesquely. "Even if we have to be here 1,000,000 times until you finally understand."

Frisk was trembling again, their friend's encouragement bouncing off of them without effect because it was all the same, but-

"Frisk," The sound of their name... Frisk's eyes darted quickly over towards Asgore, who was smiling through his pain. "For the future of humans and monsters...! You have to stay determined...!" Frisk kept their eyes directly in his as everyone else began to appear, everyone calling out their encouragement. And Frisk-

"I STILL cannot believe how STUPID you all are!" Flowey cackled. "ALL YOUR SOULS ARE MINE!"

Everything was loud and too bright as Frisk closed their eyes tightly. But... Frisk...

Frisk was going to stay determined. For everyone. That was what they would give back. Somehow. Someway. A future.

Where Asgore didn't die, Sans never had to worry about a Reset, and-

"Finally... I was so tired of being a flower." Asriel was turning around, smiling brightly. "Howdy! Chara, are you there?" The barrier remained unbroken. "It's me. You're best friend!"

_*It says 'Best Friends Forever'._

_*It's the end_

Asriel's attacks were raining down around Frisk in the darkness. Frisk was desperate. Desperately holding onto their hope, although it was difficult. They had been without hope for such a long time now, everything repeating. With nothing having any meaning. And after last timeline... How could they hope? How could they dream? How could they-

Their Soul was breaking in half.

_*But it refused._

Frisk barely forced it back together, gasping loudly as the pain rocked through them. But they had to! They had to stay determined! To give something back! Please! P-Please...

Their Soul was breaking- NO!

_*But you refused!_

How far would Frisk get in all of this? Before they were forced backwards through time? Frisk didn't want to. Didn't want to do all of this again! But... B-But... They had known that.. They wouldn't be able to do the Lost Souls. Sans wouldn't... He wouldn't come, would he?

But Frisk wouldn't even make it to The Lost Souls. They were going to lose. Their Soul was going to break and they were going to be forced back through time because Frisk wasn't strong enough. Wasn't strong enough to do this alone! Any of this!

That was why they had give up! That was why they had killed everyone! Why they had gained LOVE! That was why they'd hurt... hurt...

 _Ch-Chara_ , Frisk whimpered as their Soul shook, their HP dropping. There was no response. They couldn't break the barrier. They couldn't break either barrier. They didn't deserve to be heard by any of them, but they... They would... Stay determined. They... They had to face this. They had to. They had to face this. They couldn't avoid it forever. Frisk was scared, so scared, but they... They-

Frisk's Soul was starting to break.

 _HELP!_ , Frisk called again in horror, desperation. They felt time begin to slip away beneath them. They were about to snap back through time. _Help, please! Help!_

_*But nobody-_

_CHARA!_

There was a rush of frantic warmth, grasping quickly at either side of Frisk's tearing Soul and forcing it back together. Back to the Fight. But just as quickly, it was retreating back again, Frisk could feel the shame, the fear, as Chara coward back. Frisk twisted their full attention towards them, reaching out before the barrier went up fully again.

 _Chara!_ , Frisk called. _Chara!_ , There was no response, only a heightening fear. _Chara help, I need your help!_ There was an intense ripple of pain. Chara's emotions were suddenly so vibrant and open.

*I can't help anyone!

Chara's emotions were everywhere as Frisk pressed closer, reaching out, desperately reaching out.

 _I'm sorry, Chara please, I'm sorry!_ , Frisk felt a rush of intense surprise.

*You're-

*Wh-What?

*YOU IDIOT!

***WHY ARE YOU THE ONE WHOSE SORRY?**

_Chara!_

*WHY?!

*WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT MY HELP?!

*AFTER WHAT I **DID**?!

*WHAT I'VE ALWAYS **DONE**?

*I HURT YOU!

*I HURT YOU SO-

_H-help!_

*I..! I can't help anyone! I just make it all worse!

*I just wanted to fix this!

*I just wanted to Save him!

*But we can't!

*We can't save him!

*Because even if we do it here! He will still be that flower!

*My mistakes will still not be fixed!

*I can't fix this!

*I can't Save him!

*There isn't any point if we can't save him!

*But I-!

*To you-!

*F-Frisk...

Frisk's arms wrapped around Chara as the Soul shattered. Frisk could feel them falling, the entire world and time falling apart. Losing everything again, but this, this moment, Frisk was only scared of losing one thing, that the barrier would slip up again. The Other falling. Chara falling. And Frisk unable to do anything about it. And so, Frisk held on to Chara instead of the Soul, desperately clinging as they both fell through time and towards the bed of flowers.

The smell was suffocating as Frisk struggled to breath. Tears were streaming down their face as both Frisk and Chara cried, their limbs intertwined as Frisk hugged Chara close.

 _I can't..._ _I can't Frisk, I can't..._

Frisk's body was shaking as they sobbed, and they were only vaguely aware of Toriel coming. Only vaguely aware of Toriel picking them up and starting to carry them Home. Because Frisk's attention refused to stray from Chara. They refused to let Chara fall this time as they curled up even farther into Toriel's arms...

Frisk was determined. Determined to face this. To fix this. Give something back.

To everyone...

Everyone.

 _Especially_ Chara...

Chara embrace them back, tightly, as Frisk's breath shuttered with relief.

_I'm sorry! I'm sorry... so sorry, Frisk.._

Frisk pressed even more desperately, a warmth flooded into their Soul. The barrier destroyed.

"Sorry..." Chara whimpered. "I'm s-sorry."


	20. Deserving To Stay

The bedroom was dark and smelled of cinnamon-butterscotch pie... There was an incomplete silence around them, their breathing was too pronounced and raspy from crying. Their head felt like it was full of little pins and needles, but their Soul... Their Soul was warm as they kept Chara pressed close...

 _I don't understand,_ Chara whispered once again, _I really don't understand...,_ Frisk only squeezed them tighter, a pain in their chest, _Why? Y-You should hate me, why? F-Frisk..._

Frisk pressed their eyes shut too tightly and couldn't answer, all they could send was their desperation to not let go.

 _Why?,_ Chara asked again, _I don't understand, why?_

Why? It was because... Even after everything that had happened-

.

The sunlight was beginning to flood through the kitchen window, the birds singing as the kitchen continued to smell of maple syrup and Toriel began to wash water over the plates to soak. Sans was watching Frisk who was soaking in their own anxiety. They were looking down at their legs, kicking softly underneath the table, not wanting the sound of water to stop. Sans could tell that all throughout breakfast they hadn't wanted to eat a bite, that it all seemed a bit too much for their stomach. But they had eaten, as slowly as possible, because the longer they took the longer they could avoid the coming conversation.

Now breakfast was done and the water was being turned off, and Toriel was returning. She stood behind her chair, her hands tight along the back of it as she eyed Frisk hesitantly.

"And so?" Toriel started as the other two did not. She glanced over to Sans. "May I ask why I have called our morning schedule off?" Frisk took in a breath, forcing themself to lift their head, but the moment Toriel was in their line of sight they were looking down again. They couldn't do it. Frisk's eyes lifted, touches of gold, and they met Sans' gaze pleadingly. They were going to do this. They just needed help starting.

"maybe we should move this over to the living room." Sans offered. Where everyone would be more comfortable. At least physically. Frisk readily slid out of their chair and made their way out of the kitchen. Toriel's face was extremely concerned.

"Sans-"

"this is for the kid to say, tori." Sans cut in. He saw her hands lift off of the chair and immediately one was balled into a tight fist as it rested in the palm of the other. Wordlessly she started to follow and Sans trailed behind, wanting to avoid her gaze as much as he could. He wasn't even the one in her direct line of concern, but he felt the need to squirm, guilt in his ribcage. He couldn't even imagine how the kid was feelings.

"Frisk?" Toriel asked upon entering the living room. Frisk stood next to the couch, swaying as they wanted to sit down but then decided against it. "Frisk, what is wrong?" Toriel sat down on the couch, her arms opening a bit, offering, but Frisk stood still, their breathing thinning out. Sans sat down in Toriel's arm chair across from them, and they glanced his way again, their eyes pleading again. But Sans couldn't do this for them. This was up to them. Frisk swallowed and turned around, their back to Toriel as they began to lift their shirt up.

No warning, no preparation, just getting into it. Sans didn't think that was exactly the best way to go, but if that was all they could handle...

But Sans saw something the kid did not, not with their back turned. Toriel's face had fallen the moment they moved to touch the bottom of their shirt, holding her breath as she went rigid in anticipation, the sickness in her expression before she even saw the scars.

_"does tori know?"_

The heartbreak on Toriel's shattered face was too much, and slowly, she lifted a hand to touch their back gently. And Sans can tell that it was worse than she had imagined.

_"Not this time."_

But she had known. Even if Frisk hadn't told her, someone else had. She'd been the one to tell Sans about the 'homes' after all. How much did she know? Sans knew so much that she didn't, but how many secrets did she have as well? And, Sans realized, about Chara too? How much had actually happened to the two of them?

"Oh, Frisk..." Toriel breathed, tears in her eyes.

Because knowing about the scars, and actually seeing them... were two very different things.

But she was blinking, trying to hold herself together. Her hand lowered and she was forcing herself to sit tall and stiff. Trying her hardest. For Frisk. But... Frisk was lowering the shirt as they turned around, their eyes opening but staring at her knees.

"Frisk-" Toriel lifted her arms, wanting to reach out but hesitated briefly... only to have Frisk spring into her arms, clutching tightly, shaking. "Frisk... My child..." Toriel cried, wrapping her arms around them.

Sans saw her go to rub their back, but then pause, her hand over the fabric. Thick, Sans thought to himself. Thick enough to hide the markings from her caring touch. But she knew they were there. She had known. Toriel closed her eyes and rubbed their back, trying to calm them and herself.

"You're safe now, it's all okay, you're safe." The side of Frisk's face was pressed up against her chest, and Sans could see their eyes open, a gold again, as they breathed unevenly, as tears streamed down their cheeks... But not sobs, they were shaking like they wanted to, like they were just on the brink of it. They looked terrified. Absolutely terrified. "You're safe." Toriel repeated again softly. "Safe... They will never hurt you again, those... those **_people_**..." As the venom leaked into Toriel's voice, the terror rippled over Frisk's features. Sans could see the guilt as their teeth clenched and their eyes widened.

Sans's brow creased together, questions in his mind. But it was _them_ after all, they felt guilty about a lot of things that didn't really make sense to him.

"You're safe. They're gone." Toriel continued, but Sans could see, it only pushed their eyes into a brighter gold, into farther guilt and wanting to retreat.

"tori." Sans interjected softly. Toriel's eyes opened and her head lifted slightly, but Sans was still watching Frisk's face, and maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Because as soon as he did, the gold mostly disappeared. Mostly, but not entirely. It caused the fear to show itself even more and Toriel finally noticed.

"My child?" Frisk's eyes squeezed shut, and Sans wondered if underneath they were a vibrant gold again, or perhaps even red. "I'm sorry if we've made you uncomfortable." Toriel tried. "It's just..." The anger was filling Toriel out again. "I cannot believe you have been through this. Through... so _much_." Toriel was trying to take their face in her hands, to encourage them to open their eyes, but- "To go through so much and stay... My child.. So strong, brave... To remain so good."

She was only making it worse, Sans knew, and though he couldn't see the kid's face anymore, he could tell by the way Toriel's face fell that she also could see she was making it worse even if she didn't know why.

"Frisk?" At the sound of their name, Frisk was pulling away and Toriel let them go. They were out of her hold and sitting on the couch beside her, their head falling as they took in even breaths... Which were probably Chara's doing. "Frisk?" Toriel's voice was gentle again, concerned. She was finally picking up on the fact that something _else_ was wrong.

Frisk's brown-gold eyes opened, miserable with tears as their fingers clenched and the stared ahead, past Sans, towards the window with the tree casting shadow in the morning sunlight.

"I miss her..."

.

Chara was a white wall of frozen shock, uncomprehending.

 _I-I missed you_ , Frisk repeated. _Even after everything, I missed you._

.

"I... I know I shouldn't." Frisk started again quickly. "But I can't help it. I... I..." Their eyes closed tightly again. "I miss her. I miss my..." Their fingernails were digging into their knees as they clenched their teeth and lowered their head in defeat, shivering.

Toriel's eyes were widening with realization, and Sans filled in the blanks. Of what they wanted to say but couldn't in front of Toriel. They missed their 'mom', and sitting there Sans realized, they had sort of said that before. But... It had been referencing timelines and timelines ago, that first timeline before they had had the chance to change and grow, but... Sans closed his eyes and lowered his own head in shame.

They missed everyone that they left behind, that left...

Sans heard Frisk sniffling and he heard Toriel move immediately to hold them.

"My child, my- Frisk..." Sans forced himself to lift his head and to open his eyes... But... It was too much energy to make the lights in his eyes return.

"I'm sorry." Frisk sobbed. Toriel's hand was on their cheek again, supporting them as they fell against her, and this time, they stayed there. "I... I know I shouldn't." They told her again. "And I don't... don't miss the pain. Being h-hurt. I- I just... I just wanted to be good, so she could be happy. I wanted her to be happy, h-her smile r-real. I.. I wanted.. It wasn't all bad. She- I just! I wanted to save her. I wanted- I w-wanted... to save..." Frisk was burying their face, their back shuttering. "She was just so sad! She was always so hurt! But s-she just couldn't stop. S-She..." They lifted their head, looking up into Toriel's devastated expression. "I'm sorry. I-I know they weren't good people but I miss her! I'm s-sorry. I'm-"

"It's okay." Toriel cried. "It's okay... Shhhh.." Frisk's eyes were squeezing shut again painfully and they collapsed against Toriel, sobbing wordlessly.

Sans felt like an intruder. He'd come here to be support, and he wanted to help, to be there, but now... Sans got up from the arm chair and made his way into the other room, giving the two their space even as the sound of Frisk crying followed. Sans sat down at the kitchen table, his head resting in his hands.

Frisk had just wanted their mom to be happy... Her smile to be real...

.

 _You idiot_ , Chara cried, _You big idiot._

_I'm sorr-_

_Stop!,_ Chara yelled. _Stop saying that! You've nothing to be sorry for!_ Frisk was silent as Chara settled back down, but kept them from backing away entirely, refusing to let go even now. _I...I can't, Frisk... I can't do this. I just can't. I'm sorry._

Frisk closed their eyes, hugging themself, Chara, in the darkness.

 _Please... Please... Don't go. Stay._ Frisk begged. _Please stay.._

There was no response for a few minutes as they both continued to try and not cry, failing.

 _I don't understand...,_ Chara admitted once again. _I just d-don't._ But they weren't pulling away again and Frisk relaxed, wanting to fall asleep again.

 _Please don't go... Please._ Frisk heard Chara's broken laugh, felt it against their Soul.

_You idiot... You unimaginable idiot._

.

Toriel and Sans stood together on the front porch, Toriel hesitating once again to leave.

"Are you sure? I can always try and reschedule this." Sans shook his head. Again.

"tori, it's fine... besides, i think both of you need a break." Toriel's lips were pressed thinly together as she stared at the front door. She sighed and closed her eyes.

"Sans..." She said, reopening her eyes. "I must apologize to you."

"me?"

"Yes... I know that lately I have acted slightly agitated with you, and that has not been fair to you. I am sorry." The two friends stood in silence for a moment before Toriel continued. "It is just... I must admit, I have been jealous. Ever since they went stargazing with you, I could notice something different. A change. And I... I understand, at least, I know... Frisk does not open up easily. They have been tossed about so. But I want to be their mother, Sans. To take care of them, to have them trust me so I can make sure they _are_ alright. I recognize it has only been three months, not even so, and at first I could accept taking it slowly. That they would not tell me... And even, a part of me had been resigned to the fact that perhaps it was not to be. After all... I have hurt them as well."

"all of us have. even if we wouldn't do it willingly anymore, every one of us has hurt them in some way."

Toriel nodded grimly, but she did not look comforted. All of this had hurt her deeply, Sans could tell.

"Yes." She agreed. "And I was willing to accept it, but then... They came to you with something over me and I... I'm sorry. I acted poorly. This should not be about anyone other than Frisk. It's just... I _am_ to be their mother, am I not?" She asked, the hurt and concern in her voice. She sighed and looked down at the floor. "You would have thought that after all this time, and even after Chara, I would have learned something." Sans immediately perked up.

"chara? that's the original human's name, right?" As if he didn't know. As if he hadn't just spoken with them that morning.

"Yes." Toriel said shortly. "The first one I could not save." Sans hesitated, uncertain about what she meant by that.

"they got sick." Sans tried, though he was pretty sure he had a good idea of what actually went down even if he hadn't been given all the details. At least yet. Toriel was uneasily silent for a moment.

"They were sick before they even fell, Sans." Sans blinked in surprise. "All if them were hurt in some way before falling. Chara especially. I know the story goes that Asriel absorbed their Soul in grief, but..." She laughed weakly, it was fake, a noise to try and trick herself into not crying. A rebellious tear escaped. "I yelled at Asgore, at the barrier, that he would have done better to take one human Soul and cross the barrier to get the others, but the other day, at the ceremony, Asgore... Asgore brought up Chara to me. You see, there were these butter cookies, cut and frosted to look like little water monsters. And.. And one of the drivers asked just how much butter was in there, and Asgore... And I... I had thought it before, but right then, I just knew it. I just know. My child... My child killed themself, Sans."

Sans was cringing deeply. She was right, of course, there had been a plan, a plan that had turned out disastrous for everyone.

"All that time angry with Asgore, when in my heart I knew... They killed themself with those buttercups so Asriel could cross the barrier and do exactly what I yelled at Asgore for not doing. That awful barrier. That awful, awful barrier." Toriel breathed, her voice continuing to tremble. "I've lost all my children to that barrier. Except Frisk. But in the end, what if I lose them too? They... They remind me too much of Chara. It scares me. I do not know what to do. How to help. I just seem to make it all worse but doing nothing is not right either. I have learned that the hard way. Six children died while I did nothing." Toriel took a deep breath, collecting herself once again. Today, while only a little past halfway done, had been too long and exhausting. But when she exhaled she smiled sadly. "While I've been jealous, I am also so relieved that at least they have opened up to someone."

"tori..." Sans began weakly. She should have left already, but he just couldn't keep standing there silently while she was tearing herself apart and looking at him so kindly. "what's between the kid and i is nothing to be jealous of, trust me..." Toriel sighed again but then was looking him directly in the eyes, the guilt in Sans wouldn't stop turning sickly.

"Perhaps not, but I really am so grateful to you, Sans. For everything you've done. For keeping your promise."

It was too much.

Sans sighed as he closed his eyes and put his hand behind his neck.

"but that's just it, tor. i didn't keep it." Sans started again, opening his eyes but unable to meet her gaze fully. "i didn't protect them. i mean, i am now, but.. first i let them get hurt, tori. i let them get hurt **real** bad. they were all alone, and i... i'm sorry."

Toriel's face had fallen in surprise again, and for an awful second Sans waited for her face to scrunch into a snarl. But it didn't. It did something worse.

"I am disappointed to hear that." Toriel admitted, and it was clear on her face. "But thank you, for your honesty, and I cannot blame you for it. For I should have never let them travel alone to begin with. But we have both learned, have we not? At least something? Doing it now matters. All of us are safe, and here, and we will protect them together. We will all stay together."

There was something dark on her face as she looked back towards the front door. Sans did not like her expression. Sans did not like the fierceness in her eyes, as if she was anticipating a Fight.

"Sans..." Toriel said evenly and Sans found his cringed smile stuck on his face. "Some things are going to happen soon, and I may need your help." Sans tilted his head. Thinking it all over, not liking what he was piecing together. "Frisk will never be tossed about again." Sans felt sick, his magic racing.

"i-is that a concern?"

"Over my scattered dust."

Toriel was turning again, to leave, finally.

"I'm going to be late, but I'm sure Jackeline will understand. Though I will feel bad if she has brought Mr. Tang with her today." Sans had no clue as to who she was talking about but he didn't ask. She really was running late. "Take care, both of you. I will be back before dark. At least I hope..." Sans nodded.

"it's okay. i'll get them to bed on time tonight if you're not." Toriel laughed, loudly. It was a lot better than her stance a few moments earlier.

"Yes. See that you do. Papyrus told me to be careful of Frisk developing your nasty habits. He said the two of you did not get up until noon! I dare not think of how late they were up, or early I suppose." Sans shrugged.

"they didn't have school."

"It is all right, Sans." Toriel said with a smile. "As long as they were having fun."

Yes. Fun. Storytelling fun. The genre: murder mystery without the mystery.

But Toriel was leaving and Sans lingered outside as he watched her go, not wanting to go back inside to the kids just yet. He was still mulling over what she had told him. He also... Needed a second to hide his growing fear.

Because...

Suddenly there was something even scarier than a Reset...

It would destroy them. Losing all of this, or even just the fear of it pressing over them. Sans was going to have to think about that. Just in case. _Just_ in case. But for right then... He pushed it aside. He would deal with that later. Of what he would do.

Sans looked over his shoulder, back towards the door. He knew what was waiting for him. He had told Toriel that she and the kid deserved a break, but Sans knew Frisk... and Chara... would want to continue where they left off.

Sans entered the house and found the kid waiting in the living room, curled up in the same blanket he and Toriel had left them in. As soon as he entered, their head lifted and he could tell that he had walked in mid-conversation. Mid-planning. About how to word the start. Their shoulders were hunched slightly, nervous.

"S-Sans." They began slowly.

"yeah, i know." Sans said, sitting on the opposite end of the couch, putting his feet up on the middle cushion beside theirs. "can't convince you to take it easy for the rest of the day could i?" They shook their head. "didn't think so..." They were nervous to start, but Sans knew, it couldn't possibly get any worse than it possibly had. "but how about a nap?" Frisk tilted their head uncertainly. "come on, just a small nap. ya already got the blanket, all wrapped up. come on, you deserve a break."

"I'd Reset." They said, ignoring his suggestion. "I'd Reset and The Other was screaming. More than angry. B-But..." Frisk wrapped the blanket more closely around their shoulders. "B-But the LOVE was gone, and they were safe. I was safe, they could take my Soul anymore. We were safe. Everyone..."

"frisk."

"But they were still falling... As Toriel came."

" **frisk.** "

Frisk lowered their head onto their knees, silent. Sans sighed and rested his own skull against the back side of the couch.

"Toriel was really upset, wasn't she?" Sans heard through the covers.

"... not in the way you're implying, frisk."

"But she was still hurt."

"only because she loves you, because she cares."

"..."

Sans could hear everything in their silence.

"you still don't think you deserve it." Sans whispered. "even after everything, you still can't accept it. you miss people who hurt you and you still can't give yourself the same benefit... frisk..." He picked himself up and slid over next to them. Awkwardly, he wrapped an arm around them in half a hug. They lifted their head and lifted the blanket to rub at their right eye.

"Toriel came, and T-The Other, Chara, vanished. T-They..."

Sans tilted his head back against the couch and let out a loud, fake snore. He felt Frisk go rigid in his arms.

"They-" Another loud snore. They were silent for a moment. "They-!" An extremely, loud and drawn out snore. Sans opened an eye socket to look at them.

"can't tell your story to somebody whose asleep." He told them.

"You're not asleep!" He reclosed his eyes.

"sure am."

"You're talking."

"in my sleep. i'm great at it."

"Then you can listen in your sleep." Frisk grumbled, but Sans only let out a loud, obnoxious snore.

"sorry, can't hear ya over my snores and sleep talking." He felt more than heard Frisk laugh, the breath escaping from their lungs. And then, to his relief, he felt their shoulders slack. They twisted in his arm and rested against him, curling deeper into the blanket. Sans felt his smile falling as the minutes began to pass.

They'd just wanted to make their mom happy. To make her smile real.

They just wanted to make Sans happy...

"frisk...?" He whispered.

"Hmm?"

"chara?"

"Mm." Came a more irritated sound. Sans felt amusement at that but this was serious. For both of them, and he knew that at any other time he would have had a million counterarguments thrown his way.

"it's not your job to make sure everyone is happy." He said. He knew they weren't going to believe him, but still... It needed said. It at least needed to be there rolling around in their little noggin stuffed with too many people with too many problems. "as long as you two take care of yourselves..." He finished, half asleep. He wasn't expecting a response, for them too be too far gone, but their voice came out, cracking with tears.

"We just want to stay. To deserve to stay." Sans lifted his arm that was resting against their back and put it on top of their head.

"but you do... you always did."

"But-"

"they just didn't deserve _you_."

And neither did Sans, honestly, but like hell was he going to let anyone take them.

He'd rather have them Reset.


	21. Affording To Follow

You know what the funniest thing is in all of this? The _funniest_ thing? Chara thought it was absolutely hilarious, in a pitiful, awful sorta way, but that was how they viewed a lot of things. But Chara thought it just so _funny_ that in the beginning, the _very_ beginning, Chara hadn't trusted Frisk. That in the very beginning, Chara had been certain, suspicious, on the verge of instantly hateful. Because they had been certain that _Frisk_ would hurt someone.

Chara was a voice, no not even that when they stayed far enough away, hiding their voice behind Frisk's own thoughts. But Chara was just a thought, helpless to watch in whatever The Human decided. Fight or Mercy. Most likely Fight. This human could destroy... destroy...

Chara was just a thought in the back of The Human's mind, but... that wasn't something new. They'd been just a voice before. Screaming. Yelling. Not being listened to. As Asriel-

It was so hilarious in hindsight. That fear in what The Human would do. Because who had hurt everyone in the end?

Who had already hurt everyone?

It was hilarious...

But in the beginning, there Chara had stayed, waiting for The Human to decide how all of this was going to go... But then... They didn't. The Human just sat there shaking like a leaf, on the verge of tears, and Chara had felt their sharp fear, emanating out of their Soul just beside Chara. Chara hadn't liked that. The tears, the sniffling. It reminded them of...

*You should get going.

Chara had snapped it, harsh and impatient. The Human sitting here was giving Chara too much time to think. Chara had not wanted to think. Their last thoughts in the back of someone else's mind were still vivid and clear in their memory and they did not want them resurfacing. Chara didn't know why they or The Human was there, why they were back and Asriel- Chara wasn't sure what was going on, but staying here wasn't going to help anybody figure anything out!

But despite whatever anger, and honestly fear, Chara had been feeling, The Human hadn't seemed to pick up on it. The Human had simply nodded to themself and dragged themself up to their feet.

Their first meeting with Flowey, Chara hadn't expected a thing, only been surprised by the flower's hostile attitude, and had not liked his declaration.

Kill or be killed.

Chara dared not, no they most definitely dared not think about where they had last heard that being said. Being screamed, really... in their own voice. But Chara had dared not think about it and they had 'glared' at The Human as well.

*You dare not.

The Human had better dare not touch anyone. Chara would make them pay. They weren't sure how, exactly, but somehow. They'd find a way to make them **_hurt_**. Because two could play that game.

But The Human had only shivered, terrified as their Soul had been surrounded by pellets and Chara thought, perhaps, the problem would simply resolve itself quickly and Chara could go back to not being aware of anything again.

_**FIRE.** _

It just hadn't been meant to be.

Chara had been surprised, shocked to see Toriel standing there, but so had The Human.

*Mo-!

Chara had bit their metaphorical tongue, wanting to just stay and observe what would happen, what The Human would do now, how The Human would react. Fearfully? Fearfully and then lash out? Like all humans do? Like they had with Asrie-

But to Chara's greater surprise, The Human... Their tense muscles were relaxing, the immediate fear and panicking were fading away.

Simply because Toriel had smiled.

It was so bizarre to Chara. The Human's reaction was not at all anything Chara had anticipated. In fact, their reaction had been a lot more... calculated, than even Chara's had been. When Chara had first seen Toriel and Asgore, Chara had tensed, terrified, even after their first interaction with a Monster being kind, suspiciously caring. The Human's first interaction...? Not so much. And Flowey had smiled too, so it couldn't just be the smile... c-could it? There had to be a plan. To see what happened, like Chara was doing. Waiting, planning, even... even if Chara didn't know what they were planning themself, they hoped The Human didn't either.

Chara could still feel The Humans' surprise as they had taken Toriel's hand.

But by the time The Human had made it to Home, something had become very clear to Chara: That this human was a bit too much like... Asriel.

That thought had subdued Chara's lingering hatred at the other _child_ that had somehow gotten stuck with them.

Because they were very much like Asriel in demeanor, but still...

*The size of the pie intimidates you too much for you to eat it.

_I have to go, I just have to go, I have to go- It's all the same. Exactly the same. I can't stay here. I have to go. Before she sends me away. I have to go- I can't. I can't do this. I have to go. Before- I have to-_

*But-

_-to just go! I have to go!_

The Human was so much like Asriel, but in the end, they were also too much like Chara. They couldn't accept all the things Chara hadn't been able to accept at first either. All the love, all the-

_I have to go,_ The Human had continued to panic. It had been the most Chara had heard from The Human since their fall. Chara had been able to feel, read their emotions, their wordless thoughts, but this was the first time The Human had thought clearly with their own voice. Chara's assumption that The Human was only observing and trying to figure things out had not been so far off. But now, the decision had been made, and The Human-

"How to exit the Ruins." The Human had managed. Barely. Had pushed Toriel into fleeing to the Exit, though... Chara wasn't 100% sure why. Why she was here. Alone. Alone and feared by the other Monsters. Why all of this was like this? Why...

"You wish to know how to return 'home', do you not?"

A pain had rippled through The Human, some of it Chara's own. Because... Their home... Asriel... No. No. They weren't certain yet, were they? Maybe they didn't remember everything. Maybe... Chara was there after all. And maybe... Maybe Asriel was somehow...

"Now be a good child and go upstairs." If there was anything that made Chara even more certain that The Human was somehow too much like themself, it was the searing sensation those words drilled into The Human, their mouth open in surprise. Because they couldn't believe it, nor did they think they were a good child...

Chara felt the slightest sting of lingering hatred because of that.

Because of everything Chara had seen... They had no right feeling that way. If Asriel had felt like that Chara would have...

_Would_ have...

"Every human that falls down here meets the same fate." Toriel told The Human mournfully and Chara had refocused, needing more information as to what was going on. The big picture. Because the only humans Chara knew about were... Chara, of course, and The Human. If there had been others, why was Chara only awake now? Why was Toriel here? Why was Toriel doing this-? "I have seen it again and again." Toriel continued. "They come. They leave. They die."

*You didn't understand.

*This doesn't make sense.

It had become a habit, Chara saying everything in 'you' form. At first it was to manipulate, but by then, even if it was sort of manipulation still, it was also all Chara had to express their own feelings.

Chara did not understand.

"You naive child... If you leave the Ruins. They... Asgore... Will kill you."

Chara couldn't believe this. What she was saying! This didn't make sense! Chara refused to believe her! Asgore? King Dad? Mr. Dad Guy? Their Dad? Their real Dad?

_"Wake up, Chara! You are the hopes and dreams of monsters!"_

_"You have to stay determined!"_

That didn't make sense! This didn't make sense! Why would he? He was one of the kindest- Why-

Fight or Flight. Fight or Flight. They could feel The Human's panic. Disbelief. And it probably hadn't helped because Chara was feeling those things as well.

**_FIRE._ **

The Human was engulfed in pain, but Chara could only feel The Human's alarm at it, only a hint of the pain running through them. Chara stood there in their darkness, watching the Soul begin to split in two, and suddenly-

*You-!

There was nothing Chara could do! Nothing Chara could-! It was happening again, the thoughts, the memories, all of it was rushing forward.

Somebody save him! Somebody save him! God! Anyone! Somebody save hi- them! Somebody save them!

Chara didn't know their name. Didn't even fully trust them, or even know if they liked them much, but suddenly-!

Save them!

But nobody came.

The Human's Soul had split in two, and Chara was falling in the blackness. It was happening again! Again! If only-! If only they could go back! They didn't want them to die!

_I don't-!_

There was a tugging sensation, and Chara thought that was it. The end. Wit that choking sensation they'd felt back then too, in the garden. But not as strong. Not this strong. It was only growing. Perhaps that meant they would both be gone for good this time.

There was the sound of a loud chime somewhere. The pluck of a string. They were snapping back into place.

LOAD.

They were back there, at the SAVE Star as... as... somebody had called them, though now Chara couldn't remember who.

But they...

The Human was panicking, their breathing shattered and frantic as they kept taking steps back.

_She killed me._ The Human struggled. _She'd..._

They were clutching at their left arm tightly, and Chara felt a sick sensation in their 'stomach' as The Human's mind kept sending them pictures, memories, flashbacks as they panicked and collapsed backwards onto the ground.

_Sh-She killed me!_

And Chara had stood there, knowing too much and understanding a bit too well.

Because Frisk could not say that the Underground was the first time somebody had tried to kill them. Though it was the first time somebody had succeeded.

Frisk had broken into sobs, broken as they stayed on the ground, their head in their hands as they remained just outside Home. And for the first time, Chara reached out, wanting to hug them... Because Chara was so relieved. So relieved that...

But also, even as Chara tried to flood Frisk with warmth, there was something dark in their core. Something jealous. Hateful. Because why could Frisk come back... And not Asriel?

Why?

Why?!

Why couldn't Chara Save him?! It was the only thing...

But it wasn't the only thing. Not anymore. Because now here they both were, in Home once again, timelines and timelines and timelines later, and now Frisk knew Chara was there.

Knew Chara was there, knew what Chara had done, and yet...

_I-I missed you. Even after everything, I missed you... Please don't go... Please._

_You idiot... You unimaginable idiot._

They really were an idiot. The biggest idiot Chara had ever met. Except for Chara themself. The biggest, worse idiot. The worse possible person.

The biggest, worse idiot and person who dared to hug Frisk back even if Chara didn't deserve it. Because... Chara had missed Frisk too. Had forgotten. Had forgotten just like they had with Asriel. They'd made the same mistake! The same stupid mistake! They should go. They should leave, leave Frisk alone so Chara could never hurt them again.

_I'm sorry..._

But they couldn't. They just couldn't... Chara couldn't let go. And it terrified them that they almost had. They'd almost destroyed everything. Again.

They were never going to be able to fix this. They were never going to be able to undo what they did. To Asriel. To Frisk.

They'd been such an idiot! They had learned nothing! They had been so determined... So full of hate. They had been so full of hate and they had let themself forget how much they had loved.

But Frisk...

Frisk hadn't. And still Chara could feel it. Still Frisk had refused to give up completely. Chara didn't understand how they did it. How they could just keep breaking apart and suddenly find a way to stand. A way to move forward. They had wanted to fade away too, they were supposed to understand, but in the end...

Chara had squeezed Frisk mercilessly, desperate to not let go either.

They couldn't do this. They just couldn't... But... Chara wanted to.

And they had to. They owed it to Frisk. And... And because they had to. They could. They would.

Somehow.

But...

Just because you were determined... didn't mean you could determine anything...

Chara continued to whimper as Frisk sent something warm over them, warm as Frisk drifted off to sleep, unable to stay awake, and Chara reluctantly began to follow their lead.

_Follow their lead..._ , Chara rethought to themself, just as a warm memory seeped through them and their mind teetered on the edge of fitful sleep. A memory of Frisk in front of The Barrier, right before the first Reset, that determination...

And for a brief shining moment, Chara had thought it entirely possible.

That this Human could do everything Chara had been unable to.

And maybe... they still somehow could. Even after so long. Even after everything they had done.

As long as Frisk kept finding ways to pick themself up and stand. As long as Frisk could do that... Then maybe... maybe...

But Chara was already slipping into a dream. Sliding into yet another memory. Frisk was replaced with their brother's warm presence as Chara crawled in beside him, silently hoping that his presence would chase the nightmare away even though when they both woke up, they would still find themselves trapped. Helpless.

But it was a nice dream anyways...

And for a moment, just a moment, Chara would try one more time to see where it went.

Reluctantly, they would stand.

And for once they would be the one to follow.


	22. Affording To Get The Low Down

Sans was sitting back on the couch. The kid, well... kids, were across from him. They were sitting criss-crossed with their fingers playing with the blanket distractedly.

"so the two of ya were finally on the same page, huh?" Sans asked as they stopped talking for a bit. They'd been going through everything that had happened after their promise and Reset: staying at Toriel's, making their way through the Underground again slowly, and then falling back through time yet again but this time... sticking together.

Their lips were pressing together, their eyes distant as they stared at the center cushion between them and Sans. They shook their head.

"Not quite." They said finally. "There's a difference between saying you're going to try and do something, and... actually doing it." He could see the red in their eyes, that Chara was the one speaking even though Frisk was still there. "It's more difficult then it seems, especially when you're already sure you can't."

"a self-fulfilling prophesy." Sans could see the questions in their expression. "it's like, when you assume you're going to fail and then you do because of it."

"We seem to do a lot of that." They mumbled.

"well to be fair so do i. it doesn't help when you have a bunch of failures nagging behind you."

"Yeah..."

There was another silence.

"so maybe the two of ya weren't exactly on the same page, but you were tryin' right?" Sans asked, trying to give them an opening to continue. They simply nodded, but he could tell that they were thinking, perhaps conversing together.

"It was really hard." They admitted finally and Sans raised a brow.

"seriously? had anything you've been telling me been easy?"

"No, but this was really, really hard!" They said adamantly. "There was no do-overs! And there was a lot we'd done to each other, and..." They sighed, closing their eyes and staying like that for a moment. "... This is actually the most difficult part to figure out how to tell. So much happened. But not at first. And... a lot of it just repeats."

"should you be telling me any of it?"

"Huh?"

"if this is stuff between the two of you... maybe its best if it stays between the two of you." He suggested. There was a strange, twisted expression on their face. He could tell already that there was something they actually did want to tell him in all of this, though he wasn't sure what. He could see in their eyes, their mind working out a way around this.

"We want you to know." They said finally, and Sans tilted his head.

"why?" He got it. Sort of. The whole, wanting him to know what they'd done. And also, they'd planned on telling him all of this because they didn't want him hating Chara. But... He'd already promised to try, and finding it not that difficult, so... what was the other reason they were telling him this?

"We just... We just want you to know." They said hesitantly. Toriel was right, they didn't open up to people easily... so the fact they _just_ wanted him to know... That they just wanted to tell him...

"well then, i'm still all ears." They smiled weakly but it soon fell.

"It was really hard, though." They continued, Sans thought it was Frisk again. "We stayed at Toriel's for three days and then Reset. We just couldn't get past it. We couldn't do it. And we couldn't stay, I... Frisk didn't want to get too comfortable." Chara joined in. "To have stuff happen with Toriel that they would have to repeat and then lose its meaning. So we stayed three days. The problem was..." Chara faded and Frisk began to retake their place.

It was something Sans was still trying to get used to. A while ago, Sans had realized that Chara had actually been helping tell the story the entire time. It had been another part of the reason Frisk had spent so much time looking away from him or with their eyes closed. It had not _just_ been their guilt, but because they had known he would notice. It was why they had always been so rigid, why their tenses got mixed up, jumbled, repeated, trailed off... The two were working out the best way to word something internally or even talking over the other.

"The problem was we weren't talking. Not like... we do now. It was really hard. Because... You see... I trusted Chara but Chara doesn't trust themself. And I trusted Frisk but Frisk doesn't trust _themself_!"

"how... do you two do that?" Sans asked finally. "the whole... back and forth thing?" He'd been holding off. Watching, trying to figure out if he could tell which one was speaking just by the glimmer in their eyes or their tone, and he figured he sort of could. He just needed more practice.

But right then...

It was as if his question had been magic. Their entire expression was illuminating.

"It's LO!" They said excitedly.

"wha-?"

"Level of Oneness! We call it LOW! So we can say... Now things have reached an all time low! But- We haven't been able to use that one yet." They admitted. "It's the Soul. It depends on who is in control of the Soul! How much Frisk let's me- But we can both be. At least partial- Except we can be full- Like with Asriel! We can get to LO 0 if totally agree! But it's hard!"

"Like a three legged race!" Chara stated.

"Or learning to swim!" Frisk interjected. Chara was back instantly, smiling widely.

"I was teaching Frisk how to swim! But I'm still not very good at it." Sans wasn't sure who had said that last sentence. Whether Chara meant they weren't a good teacher, or if Frisk was saying that they still couldn't swim. Either way...

"that's a bit obvious." He stated. Chara definitely was the one sticking out their tongue. Sans chuckled and the kids were still talking. Over themselves, trying to tell him all the things they could do together as fast as possible. They were just... so excited. And Sans...

Sans regretted it. He regretted it so much. Not in having asked, not in the fact that they were excited, but by the fact that... He was somehow overwhelmed by it. He regretted the fact that this was not something he was used to. Sans watched them act like this with other people, on occasion, even if half of it was acting and pretending to be alright. But right then... the excitement was real... It was bright.

It was like looking back in time...

Sans was suddenly readjusting his view of them. Of how he imagined them before the constant Resets... Back to when they had first found their voice and played along, giving puns to his brother on a treadmill. Back when their 'only' concern was how to keep Asgore safe. Even if that was a pretty big 'only'. Right before they had realized Sans was not happy. His smile not real. Because yes, he had imagined them a bit brighter, but right then... It was so much brighter than he imagined. And maybe... it was new. It felt new. Completely. Maybe he had never actually seen them this bright before.

Something had changed...

There was an absence of guilt.

The revelation shocked Sans, and he watched them continue to talk, about how LO 5 they were cut off from each other, and LO 1 they were basically in synch. LO 0, was essentially no difference in movement at all. But there was only one time that that ever happened.

But Sans could see... They were talking and for the moment they were forgetting their guilt. And Sans realized, it was because they didn't feel like they were lying. All through their story, about Toriel about Undyne and the others.

_"If they just knew..."_

But Sans knew. And he knew the details now too. He'd forgiven them. And in this moment, talking about something they really wanted to talk about, where there was nothing to fear telling... They'd forgotten to feel guilty.

Talking. Listening. They had been terrified by that conversation, about all of the things they'd been telling Sans, and Sans had been scared too... But in the end... It really had been worth it. If this was what he could get because of it, even if just for a moment... His efforts, their efforts... It had totally been worth it.

But to somehow lose it...

Sans rejected that line of thought and refocused on the kids, only to realize... For all that he had seen Frisk, this was the first time he'd 'seen' Chara excited at all. Real _or_ pretending. At least in this timeline...

"so can like... one of you control say, your legs and then the other hands? or... how does that work?" Sans asked, hoping to keep them talking, to keep them excited. It worked.

"Yeah!" They cried. "It helps us not die as much too! O-Or... died.. as much. Chara has a lot better memory than I do... If I forget an attack is coming they can move me! It can feel weird though, but yeah! We still do it all the time!"

"do you now?" They were nodding quickly.

"We play games!" Sans was chuckling, a warm sensation around his ribcage, and for the first time he thought _they're just kids_ for something that didn't make him feel awful.

"whatcha guys play?"

Thumb wars didn't really work out. Rock, Paper, scissors did. And red hands...

"Frisk cheats!" Chara cried.

"No I don't!"

"You nudged me! You slowed me down!"

"Just once! Toriel came!" Frisk cried. "She can't see me just slapping myself!"

"But I was going to get you!"

"I said I was sorry! That it didn't count!"

Sans had covered his eyes sockets, laughing softly to himself, but now he could not hold back.

"hey." He said, watching them again. "don't worry about it, frisk. they were just trying to get the _upper hand_."

Their mouth opened wide in shock but then they were half snarling, even though Sans could see they were incredibly amused.

"zip it, bone boy." Chara snapped and Sans chuckled again as he shook his head.

"yeesh. you really gotta work on your insults, kid. the one at the zoo was pretty lame too." Their cheeks were reddening, blushing, but it was mostly Chara's eyes when they sat up and acted almost superior.

"I wanted to tell them to go back to the primate exhibit, but Frisk said it was too mean." They tilted their head and closed their eyes, but Sans could tell Chara hadn't budged. "And I was like, you're totally right. The monkey's didn't deserve to deal with them either."

This child! Sans had to close his eyes, his body rocking with laughter. These kids!

He felt them move on the couch, readjusting their seating, and he knew that they were proud in his reaction.

"But enough about that..." They said seriously now, and Sans forced himself to get it together too, though he was still smiling widely, and he could see them noting it. And he wondered if what he'd said to them while they were all half asleep had meant anything at all. Though he certainly wasn't complaining right now. Because they seemed happy too. Even as they faded back into seriousness, they seemed happy, and the guilt had yet to return. At least fully. He could tell they were starting to think ahead, at least one of them was. At least one of them was feeling guilty. "Or at least... I guess it still is about that. But not exactly." They were back to thinking about how to tell him things.

It was still hard.

"We were at Toriel's, Resetting and figuring things out. Slowly. And... not talking things out. We were just trying to... ignore it. Like nothing had happened almost. It's just... we were focusing on doing things. Trying to do. We're not... used to talking. Used to having people listen, or... listening in my case." Chara finished.

"so you just kept trying to 'go', as frisk would say." They nodded.

"We just tried to do, ACT, and it... it wasn't working out. Especially when..." Chara trailed off and Frisk emerged to pick it back up.

"I didn't want Chara to just a be a voice in the back of my head." Frisk said, almost meekly. "And I knew they could... They'd spoken, I knew they could do it even without the LOVE. It was something about my Soul. Them being in my Soul. And I... I wanted to see if we could do it again. I didn't want them to be just a voice..."

"But we were a mess."

.

It really was like a three legged race. Struggling to swim while hanging on to someone. To Chara, being given control had felt like their head coming above water. To suddenly feel limbs, to be there instead of just watching it on a screen. Distant. No, it was like actually being there because they were. And when they were there... They could make even bigger mistakes.

Plus, whenever Chara was the one mostly in control, Frisk would edge into panic. To see their limbs moving without their say so brought up memories and instantly, they would be pushing forward to Fight. Except there was no Fight. Chara readily let go.

_See?!,_ Chara declared loudly. _This is a bad idea!_

But Frisk was adamant. Frisk was determined. They kept at it, Chara dragging their 'feet' the whole way.

_I can't! I can't! Stop it!_ , Chara demanded as Frisk tried to let Chara walk through the Ruins, towards the 'sleeping' ghost just in the next room. Frisk was determined to see if they could do it during a Fight!

_But Napstablook's nice. He won't judge if we freak out-,_ Frisk tried as they tried to hold Chara closer.

_I SAID STOP IT!,_ Frisk felt as if they were being shoved, their breath staggering momentarily as Chara pulled back, starting to fade away.

"I'm sorry!" Frisk called breathlessly. _Chara!_

They stood there rigid, afraid Chara couldn't hear. Frisk couldn't feel Chara for a moment. Couldn't even tell if they were falling or not, and Frisk was helpless. And struggling to breath. The guilt was flooding them, guilt and self-hatred as it twisted in their stomach. They shouldn't have pushed it! Shouldn't have just kept going at it. So stupid. So stupid, and selfish, and awful, awful, awful.

Their hand was wrapped tightly around their own arm, painfully and uncomfortable as they continued to chastise themself.

_So stupid. Awful. Why did you do that? Why?_ , Frisk squeezed their arm mercilessly, their fingernails digging into their skin through the fabric. _Awful. Selfish. Awful._

Only... Suddenly Frisk felt a swift determination that wasn't theirs, the warm presence throughout their entire Soul. Frisk took in a quick breath as they felt disconnected from their own limbs, but this time, they had already been on the edge of panic. Frisk watched their own hand release their arm and pull itself far away. Their arm was no longer being squeezed, but their Soul was. Being squeezed by a desperate guilt.

_Don't do that..._ , Chara begged softly. The sensation was retreating, Frisk felt their control of their body return, but still... It felt as if there was a hand wrapped around their wrist. Even as Frisk felt control, the support lingered around them, warm... _Please don't do that._

Frisk could tell that Chara wanted to leave again, Frisk could feel it in the way their presence stayed tense and on the verge of flight. One false move and Chara would vanish. So Frisk stayed silent. Silent and still, and Chara did the same, not knowing what to do now.

Finally... Frisk turned their hand upwards and closed it into a fist, imaging that they were holding Chara's hand. Frisk felt Chara jolt in surprise but to their immense relief, they didn't flee. There was a short moment before Chara rested heavily against them, the weight of sorrow pressing around Frisk's Soul and on their shoulders.

_Can't you see?_ , Chara asked. _Can't you just see why I shouldn't be the one in control?_ Frisk shook their head slowly. _Because even when I wasn't... I still made such a mess. I tore you apart. You were already a wreck, and I used it all against you. And you thought it was yourself. You thought you deserved it. And I... It was me, Frisk, me... I was so focused on Asriel, on how I wrecked him and couldn't fix it, and I was just doing the same to you. I thought... You should understand. You were like me. But... That's not true either. You've always... Even from the first timeline, you've always been so much better than me. You think you're awful, and you're not. You're not awful. You're not a bad person, you were never the one who was bad, it's me. It's always been me. I'm the horrible person. I'm the worse person. I'm the one who should be burning in hell._

_Th-That't not-!_

**_STOP IT!_ **

Frisk shivered.

_Don't lie!,_ Chara ordered. _I... I felt your fear, when you Reset, you were terrified of me. You could see I was horrid! The worse-_

_That's not-! I never thought that! That you were the worse! Or horrible!_

_**What's wrong with me?** ,_ Chara snapped and Frisk froze, not understanding as Chara continued, _How could I even think that? I'm awful, horrible! How could I even think that?_!, Chara cried to Frisk's growing fear and confusion. Chara slumped again, and Frisk felt the anger draining, all that was left was guilt and sadness. _You thought that, Frisk... Timelines ago, back when... When you collapsed in front of Papyrus. When we were Blue. And I thought... Why bother? You should just erase it. Erase all of it. And then that was what you thought... Awful. Horrible. But it wasn't you, it was me. Wanting to erase it. It was all me. All those doubts you had. All that despair... At first, it was all me! At least... most of it. I just made it all worse. Because all I could think about after awhile, was about how hurt I was instead._

Frisk was silent, trying to remember, to remember those exact moments, their exact thoughts. They could remember going Blue. They could remember falling. But their exact thoughts...

_I... It's all too blurry. I can't remember what I was thinking. Just what I was feeling, and that... I knew I had t-to go._ Frisk admitted.

_You just remember what you want to remember_ , Chara told them, and Frisk was still, tense in place. _I remember everything, Frisk... I remember it all. I was aware of everything even as you stumbled, unable to focus on even what was ahead of you. Because... I was determined. I had a plan. I was just a voice, all I had was making you do what I wanted by making you think it was what you wanted too. And I... It's just as well that I remember it all. Because I was so determined. So determined to forget. And to forget how to love because it hurt. It hurts... It's so much easier to hate. If I just focused on how much I hated everyone else, I could forget how to love someone, and I... I just... After awhile, I convinced myself you really wanted it too. That you were just being stupid in not giving up... and I... I saw only what I wanted to see, like you do. And like I had with Asriel. Like I convinced myself that Asriel would, could do it, or would let me do it. I did that same thing with you and I...I was just so determined to forget that the moment you gained LOVE... I was just... _Chara was trembling, Frisk could feel it against their Soul. _I was just so relieved. There was no backing down, I thought. I could finally let the hatred win out. I felt so... in control. But I wasn't! I wasn't in control at all! I couldn't think straight! As we went along. It was all too loud. I just wanted and everything else in my way just made me angrier! And angrier! And th-then... You were in my way. And I...I couldn't care, Frisk! I didn't care at all! I just had to get to the end. We had to get to the end and I just.. just had to break you. It didn't matter how I did it, you just had to break! A-And... I-If you h-had... If y-you hadn't R-Reset..._

Chara was silent, and Frisk felt The Other's intense pain.

_Chara...,_ Frisk tried meekly, wanting to reach out but afraid to, afraid of how Chara could shatter if they did.

_It was going to be permanent... If we had gotten to the end, I wasn't... I... I don't th-think... I don't think I was going to be able to care again. I was going to..._

There was another moment of silence, and Frisk-

_We would have been gone. There wouldn't have been anything to care about_ , Frisk reminded.  
The pain Frisk felt was immense. It was physical and sharp in their stomach and all of it was Chara's. A guilt. A guilt at knowing something Frisk didn't. That they were trying to confess.

_Frisk..._ , Their name was so broken, and Frisk felt like they were hollowing out. _You were never going to stop caring._

But Frisk didn't understand. Frisk didn't get it.

_Do you know why we can't die?_ Frisk shook their head once again. _Because you always want to come back... Even when you're so broken. The reasons may change. First fear, but now... You want to be with everyone. And if you hadn't Reset... I... We would have Erased everything, but still... It wasn't going to work, Frisk. I know that now, it was never going to work. It was still going to be us. A-And..._

Frisk could feel their own heart breaking, but they were also scared as Chara let go, as Chara began to slip back, retreat a bit. But Frisk could still feel them, even as the Soul felt a million times colder.

_Frisk..._ Their name was so broken again. _I was never going to forgive you... I was going to... I was going to make you pay to come back. I... I would have..._

Frisk was holding their breath.

_I was going to make you give me your Soul._

Frisk's eyes widened, horror rippling through them. Frisk felt shocked as their mind worked through it. At what that would have meant. If they weren't the ones with the Soul... They never would have fully been in control ever again. Unless Chara allowed, like Frisk was trying to allow, but Chara... Chara wouldn't have been able to care anymore. To love. They would have... Everything would have...

Chara was retreating, falling back, but Frisk reacted quickly, reaching out and grasped their 'hand', keeping them there, but not forcefully. All Chara had to do was push them and Frisk would let go, but Chara stayed. Stayed with their 'back' turned and their head down. That image... Tears were slipping down Frisk's cheeks.

_I'm sorry..._ , Frisk whispered. Frisk could feel the horror, the anger even, as Chara twisted back towards them.

_Why are you the one whose sorry?!_ , Chara demanded, just like the first time Frisk had said it. _Don't you understand what I'm telling you?!_

_Yes,_ Frisk said. _And it would have been my fault! I... You're right! I was scared! I was scared when I Reset! But it was that you would be angry at me for hurting you! I hurt you and I'm sorry! I knew... I knew what the LOVE did to you! I realized it when I was still facing Sans! I knew... I knew I had twisted you! That I had hurt you! Hurt you without even realizing it! Like I had hurt Sans! And I... I had already been scared I couldn't fix it. Like I couldn't fix Sans hating me! But I... I had to try! Had to try and fix it! What I did to all of them! To you! I'm sorry!_

_Frisk... You don't have to be sorry. I asked for it. It's what I wanted!_

"But I am sorry!" Frisk cried. Chara was silent, not knowing what to say as Frisk continued to shake, still terrified. "Are you still not going to forgive me?" Frisk asked fearfully.

Chara's 'head' snapped upwards and immediately Frisk felt a warmth engulf their Soul in a desperate hug. Frisk's right hand lifted without their say so, up to their shoulder, squeezing in a half hug. Frisk lifted their other arm to their other shoulder. Their arms were crossed over their chest and their hands resting beside their neck. Frisk closed their eyes, struggling to breath as the tears continued to slip down their face.

_You saved us, Frisk... Of course I forgive you._ Chara said, even though they didn't think Frisk was the one that even needed the forgiveness. But if that was what they needed to hear. To have them just stop apologizing! But... _This still isn't a good idea. None of this is a good idea. Frisk... I don't want to be in control, please... I don't want to... What if-_

"I trust you."

Chara was tense and shocked and just-

"I forgive you, and I trust you."

Chara was agape.

_Y-You shouldn't!_

"I... I love you." Chara felt as if they were being torn up inside, miserable and guilty and helpless.

_You id-_ , But Chara stopped. They didn't want to call Frisk that. Frisk was not the one who was the idiot. _I don't understand_ , Chara admitted again even as they continued to hug Frisk, as they accepted the fact they just weren't going to understand. _But I... I love you too... I'm sorry._

Chara felt Frisk radiate warmth, an immense joy.

And Chara gave up.

Chara let Frisk pull them in. Chara opened Frisk's eyes and stared ahead, ready to Fight this ghost. After all, it wasn't like they could mess it up _entirely_. The ghost couldn't die.

.

Sans was waiting silently as the kids trailed off... Their mouth opened, like they wanted to continue, but it closed again and they looked down at the floor beside the couch. Their head lifted, their mouth opening once more.

"I..." But still their voice failed them, their shoulders slacking. There was something they really wanted to say but couldn't. And Sans couldn't see their eyes. He couldn't exactly be sure who it was... Though... He had an idea. Even if he had no idea what it was Chara wanted to say. It was probably another apology. But... They gave up on speaking. And when their head lifted it was Frisk. Their eyes were mostly brown, the gold faded more than it had been this entire time. And as they continued Sans figured that it would be awhile before Chara would appear fully again. But Frisk was determined. Determined to continue their story. Just like they had been determined with everything else. Even when Chara was not.

"That talk wasn't the end of all our problems." Frisk said, the lingering gold flickering as Chara at the very least continued to give their support even as they hid. "It didn't go smoothly, but... it... it was definitely a lot easier. And it... It was easier to talk things out. And eventually... After a few more timelines..."

.

The two stood there together, 'hand' in 'hand'. Frisk was in full control, but Chara lingered warmly in the Soul. It was the easiest way to move, they had discovered. But Chara could feel everything. See as if through Frisk's eyes just like Frisk did. They could feel every pain. There was no disconnect.

_LO 3_ , Chara had decided. Frisk had nodded even if they didn't fully get it all. It wasn't a definite measurement like LV or EXP. Then again.. Those two things, Frisk had decided awhile ago, were ineffective descriptions as well.

But it didn't matter if their system was still imperfect and needing work. It was always going to be needing work. But right then, they felt ready.

_We should get going._

Frisk slipped into position, standing beside Toriel's chair nervously but with Chara's support.

"How to exit Ruins."

It was a whole lot easier than it had been the previous time they had made their way through the Underground. And a lot less lonely. All the things Frisk had missed were back. Chara's jokes, the support. It was almost like it had been. Once. But new. Better even. Because now Frisk knew Chara was there. Now the comments were more than comments. It was a conversation. Frisk had Chara's full support. Even when...

"hey. i'm headed to grillby's. wanna come?" Frisk had hesitated. Chara was tense, alert, their mistrust apparent, and Frisk realized... Not all of that hate towards him had been the LOVE. But Chara didn't say anything in protest as Frisk had nodded, accepting his offer. They knew exactly what he was going to say, but they accepted it. The same with MTT. It was something they hadn't last time. But they couldn't avoid Sans fully forever. They had to keep pressing forward. Little things. Big things.

Like New Home...

Where the Monsters came out of the wood work and Chara turned their back, not able to face it, but not falling back either. Staying there with Frisk, supporting each other even as both felt like they didn't deserve it.

They slipped the locket on as usual, Frisk could feel Chara's guilt swirling around them, but once again they did not speak out. They didn't say anything until Frisk slid in front of the mirror, their eyes an amber gold. It wasn't so noticeable if you weren't paying attention. But Frisk was.

_Despite everything it's still you_ , Chara said. Slipping into their usual, familiar commentary. But Frisk had shaken their head and smiled.

_It's us._

They could feel Chara 'blushing'. They were a wiggling block of pink. But Frisk was determined.

They could do this. They could face it all. Together. The little things. The big things...

Like Judgment Hall...

Frisk had come to the realization that never again would they take this scene for granted. Never again would facing Judgment Hall with Sans be an easy thing. A part of them would always see blood. A part of them would always remember how much he had hated them. How much he still...

"Stop!" Frisk called again, as he neared their judgment. But this time they knew before hand what they were going to say. This time they were determined. Scared, but determined. Chara was glaring but Frisk was _determined_. "Don't say it if you don't mean it." Frisk told him, but then held their breath. Sans was eying them curiously, tense in the silence.

"what are you trying to achieve here, kid?" He asked finally when the silence had gone on too long. "what is the point of all of this?"

"I..." Frisk hesitated. "I don't know." Frisk admitted softly. They lowered their head, their hand wanted to lift, they wanted to grasp at their own arm tightly in guilt, but Chara was swift. Firm. Not letting them. So instead Frisk closed their eyes and tightened their fingers into a fist. "I just... You used to tell me that you believed that if I did what is in my heart I could do the right thing. But all the times I've listened to it, I've... done the wrong thing... I... I just want to fix your trust. But I... I don't think I can. At least, not while I keep Resetting, and I... I know I'm going to. I'm sorry. I just... I don't know what to do. I... If we get up to the surface again... Everyone could get hurt. But down here... I... I'm the one who is going to hurt everyone. I-" Chara's grip on Frisk's wrist was growing firmer as Frisk wanted more desperately to grasp at their arm, the guilt suffocating them as the tears built up behind their eyelids. "I just always do the wrong thing..."

"... i don't..." Sans stopped and Frisk could hear the uncertainty in his voice. Their teary eyes opened and they peeked upwards. Sans was cringing. "i don't think that's entirely true." He admitted. "you're right... you're not innocent or naïve. you can't say you've never gained LOVE. but... you didn't this time, and that means something doesn't it? you took what you did back, right? that... that means at least somehow, you kept a certain tenderness in your heart?" Sans sighed and closed his eyes. "or perhaps this is all just another layer of cruelty." He continued. His eyes opened and he shrugged his shoulders halfheartedly, his cringed smile deepening. "you gotta help me out, kiddo, i honestly just don't know." Frisk felt their heart breaking...

"I don't want to hurt anyone." They whispered.

But they knew. And he knew. They were going to. They were going to walk forward. And they were going to Reset. This conversation, from his end, didn't mean a thing.

"well... i hope you figure it out." But they could tell by the weight on his shoulders he didn't believe them. "i mean, it's not like we don't have all the time in the world, right?" Frisk could feel the small spark of hatred from Chara.

_He still just thinks of it as a joke. A game._ , Chara snapped. Frisk felt weighted down, heavy.

_He thinks it's a game for us..._, Frisk felt the hatred fade slowly, bleed out of The Other as they eyed Sans... As they both watched Sans turn to go and Frisk opened their mouth to call out, but-

"Sans!" Chara called out for Frisk when they hesitated. Sans was turning around again, and Frisk was frozen as they waited for Chara to do something. But Chara only nudged Frisk.

_You wanted this, just do it,_ Chara ordered. Frisk bit their lip but then pressed forward.

"I... I love you."

"... sure." He was gone in a flash of magic, but Frisk was relieved. It had taken him less time to acknowledge them.

Facing Flowey was like a practice round for the real battle. The real test of their abilities working together. The real test of their voice.

"Help!" Frisk called out loudly, but they only managed to speak that clearly because this time, Frisk had already been supported the entire time. Chara's warmth never left them as vines wrapped too tightly around their arms. But Chara pushed Frisk aside, partially. Controlling Frisk's arms, Frisk couldn't feel it so acutely. Even as they felt their Soul ripping in half over and over and over, at the very least there was that. And... The human Souls came for them, just like always... Tearing Flowey apart.

And when it was all said and done... It wasn't. Because they were falling through time.

LOAD.

Falling through time and standing again just outside the room with the barrier, where Asgore stood waiting. Safe. And alive. And waiting. But they had placed to go...

True Lab was just as biting as ever. Just as dark and gloomy. Especially the room with the tapes.

_Asriel..._ , Chara 'breathed'. Frisk's mind was racing, not knowing what to do. They wanted to lift their hand to their arm, but not necissarily to squeeze. Just because they were thinking. Frisk knew better now. About why they had always watched the tapes. And they could feel that longing even more acutely now. The same pressure, push, to put in the first tape and then the rest despite knowing what was on them. And Frisk-

_I don't think we should..._ , Frisk managed.

_But-_ , Chara was silent for a second, and it hurt. There was an intense pain in Frisk's chest. A suffocating need. _Frisk, please..._

There was another sharp pain, and Frisk... Frisk wasn't strong enough to say no. Reluctantly, Frisk slipped in the first tape, and Chara listened. Dutifully. The pain was as intense as ever. Maybe even worse. Tears were slipping down Frisk's face that weren't fully theirs.

...

..

Their eyes were blazing gold. And as Frisk lifted out a hand, their Soul shuttering, they knew, trusted, that Chara would be there. They felt strong. They felt assured, even. Determined. They could still feel Chara's doubt. They could still feel how Chara faltered whenever Asriel spoke, but even so... the support did not fall.

And neither did they.

Their Soul refused.

They refused.

They would not be forced back through time. That warmth that had once abandoned them had finally returned, and Frisk was certain... They could do this. They had to do this! With Chara's support they could do anything!

Except... When it actually came down to it, to Save...

"TORIEL!"

It had been so long since they'd been here. It'd been so long since they had made it to the Lost Souls.

They had to do this! They had to give back! To give something back! They didn't know what. But they wanted! They wanted-!

They wanted Asgore to no longer have to worry. To dread a human falling down to the Underground. To not have to kill or be killed! For Sans to not have to worry about a Reset! For Toriel not have to grieve them before they were even dead! They wanted... They wanted to give Monsters that type of freedom. Perhaps they couldn't give them actual freedom, the sun. But they still wanted! They wanted to make everyone happy! They wanted to Save-

"Papyrus!" They feared calling for Sans, feared him not coming. But if Papyrus came, Sans would. They would always come together. But what if... What if...?

"I need help!" Frisk cried, the two skeletons stood across from them, their faces whited out. "I need help with a puzzle!" They added quickly, looking at Papyrus.

_*He doesn't know why, but he really wants to help you._

_He really wants to help you,_ Chara noted in their ear.

"I MUST CAPTURE A HUMAN!"

"just give up. i did."

There was no spark of hatred this time, but Frisk felt Chara watching, felt Chara eyeing Sans, thinking. And Frisk...

_"just give up. i did."_

"I did." Frisk said, their voice breaking. "I did give up. But I can't... I can't, Sans... I promised. I promise! It's just... It's just so h-hard..."

_*He seems to have a dim recollection of this fact._

But Chara was still silent. And Sans generally unmoved.

"THEN EVERYONE WILL."

"why even try?"

He wasn't going to remember. They weren't going to be able to Save him. They weren't going to be able to Save all of them ever again. They-

"I'm still going to try." Frisk sobbed. "B-But... If you need a break... Th-That's okay. Let's take a b-break, I...

"..."

"you'll never see 'em again."

Frisk had almost never seen everyone again. Had almost lost everything. They'd...

"I'm thinking about what I've done... I'm never going to stop thinking about what I've d-done... I'm sorry... I'm never going to break y-your trust again. I'm going to try. I... I want to be good. I want to be a good person!" They pleaded loudly.

"..."

"..."

Frisk's stomach dropped, they avoided the attacks, but... The brothers' faces stayed blurred. Their faces stayed hiddened. The brothers remained lost. Frisk's heart was racing. They weren't going to be able to do it! They weren't going to be able to save everyone again! They weren't!

_Try Papyrus_ , Chara told them.

_But it won't be real!_ , Frisk cried. They'd planned on talking it out with Papyrus, but that was right! It wouldn't be real! It had to be Sans! Sans or it didn't matter!

But this was their consequence. Their consequence, punishment for what they'd done. They-!

"I... I'm sorry." They said again. "But you can't forgive me, can you? But I... Please... Please let me Save you!" They begged, reaching out their hand. " Please... There's still somebody that really cares about you... Somebody who still wants to do the right thing. That was once your friend! I... I did keep that tenderness in my heart. Because-! Because I love you. Please, I know you h-hate me! But... I'm not lying! I love you, Sans, I love everyone! Please..."

Frisk gasped as the white around the skeletons' faces vanished.

"NO! WAIT! YOU'RE MY FRIEND!" Papyrus cried. Sans was smiling, but it was still half a cringe, but he wasn't avoiding their tearfilled gaze.

"i'm... i'm gonna root for ya, kid..."

Frisk was smiling, uplifted... He had meant it. He had truly meant it.

It really hadn't been a trick.

He was going to try...

They were going to try.

"ASRIEL!" Frisk cried aloud as Chara held their Soul together, their own desperation reaching out towards Asriel.

_*But nobody came._

But Sans had! All of them had come! They'd Saved them again! And Frisk could Save Asriel again too!

_*But we can't..._

No. They were going to hold on! With Chara's help, Frisk could hold on! They could Save... They could...

They couldn't... They really couldn't Save Asriel permanently. They had to accept that. They just had to accept that... In this instance, they had to let it go. They had to accept that even while they were determined... They couldn't determine everything.

But even when that was true...

They could at least help him. Help him heal. Just a bit. They couldn't fix everything... But they couldn't leave him like this either...

And Chara...

They'd been following Frisk's lead before, but now they were reaching out in their own desperation. They couldn't Save him. They really couldn't Save him! But still... Still!

"ASRIEL!"

_*The barrier was destroyed_

And even as the two of them knew it wasn't going to stick, they clung desperately to Asriel, crying and relieved... At least Frisk was... Relieved that in the end... They could still get this ending.

Asriel left them, and Frisk asked Chara if they wanted to go after him, but they were greeted with silence. Frisk pressed their lips together and made their way out into the sunlight with the others... But in the sunlight... This sunlight! They so desperately wanted to have the Monsters keep it! But...

Frisk's eyes trailed towards the city in the distance.

...

RESET

.

"you were scared." Sans remembered. "you were still scared this timeline." They were looking down at their knees that were once again pulled up to their chest. Frisk looked sick.

"I was just glad to know I could get that ending again. Just in case. But... I had to know my options. How... not to break the barrier."

"but... to save asriel.. even if just temporary. that was still important to you." Sans noted. "you didn't find a way around it did you?"

"We did." Frisk said, to Sans' surprise. He tilted his head. If that was true then... why were they all up on the surface? He didn't press it. He figured they would tell him when the time came. Or... Maybe they already had. What had they told him that first night? When they had asked him if they could stay?

They had wanted to give them all the sun...

They were on the surface... Because they had been determined. Despite the fear. They had wanted to give the Monsters back the sun.

Determination and love... It was a scary, powerful thing.

"Sans..." He turned his attention back to them. "I wanted to tell you all of this because... I..." Sans stopped in surprise as he realized that Chara had reappeared. They were even more rigid than Frisk had been, hugging their knees and still looking incrediably sick. Suddenly, their head lifted and they were looking directly at him, and Sans... Sans was surprised at how red their eyes were. There was barely any gold. Whatever they were working their way up to saying, they wanted to say alone. "I..."

"you don't have to push yourself." Sans tried, but Chara was shaking their head, their fists clenched as they took in a deep breath, their eyes still locked onto him, as they gathered up their own determination.

"I have to. I have to..."

"what did i tell you?" Sans interjected. "you don't have to tell us anything, both you and frisk..." They looked distressed, desperate.

They didn't have to tell anyone anything, but they still wanted too... They needed to... And hadn't everything else been worth it?

"I have to tell you..." Chara had intertwined their fingers, squeezing them anxiously. "Thank you."

"..." Sans couldn't help but stare. It honestly... Was not what he had been expecting. "um.."

"Because..." Chara sighed and dropped their gaze, looking at their intertwined fingers. "Frisk wasn't the only one to save me..." They continued. Their fingers were turning white. "If you hadn't listened to Frisk. If Frisk hadn't been so determined... If... I just..." There was suddenly anger in their voice. No, not anger... "I don't get it. I still, even after so long! I don't get it!" They lifted their head, their red eyes desperate. "I still don't understand!" They cried. "I don't know how you did it! Because if it... If it had been me! If somebody had done that to my..."

Their chest was moving up and down quickly, and their head snapped away from him. Towards the window. The same window Frisk had stared out of with mostly brown eyes as sunlight had trailed in. Now the sun was angled towards the other side of the house and there was shadow. A tear escaped down their cheek in silence.

"do you think... in the beginning, i _was_ faking it?" Chara seemed shocked by his question, their face turning back towards him. They shook it in denial before looking back out the window.

"You weren't faking it." Chara said in a surprisingly firm voice. "I think you cared."

"heh... i'm not so sure..."

"You cared. I think... You're just a bit too much like Frisk." Chara told him. "You give up, but you still care. You try not to, but you do. You still have Papyrus. You still... You still came when Frisk called for help, despite what they did... and I just... I don't understand!"

Even timeline and timelines and timelines later. Without the LOVE. They still don't understand.

"I don't understand how it wasn't just another lie!" They were on the verge of real tears. "You should hate us! N-Not Frisk, once you knew everything, but... you didn't know everything! You shouldn't have listened! But you did! And I..."

There was silence. That incomplete silence that liked the show itself whenever they ran out of words. And they had. They couldn't understand. And they couldn't work it out. Because if it had been them... If somebody had done it to their brother. They would have never forgiven...

They _hadn't_ forgiven.

The culprit or themselves.

And for Chara, Sans could see it on their face, for Chara, those were the same things. They may not have given the actual blows, but... _They_ had killed their brother.

They were never going to forgive themself for that...

So how could Sans...?

They should be dead.

He should be dead.

Everyone should be...

"let me tell _you_ a story." Sans said finally. "a story i've been working out over the last few weeks."

The red eyes were turning gold again as both kids gave him their undivided attention.

"once upon a time there was this kid. it was really two kids, but, this guy, he didn't really know that yet. he probably didn't even see this kid as a kid at first. they were just some anomaly that controlled his life and everything that he loved. whether he remembered or not, this thing kept him runnin' around on a treadmill in the dark. he should hate 'em, right? he wanted to. but they just... looked so scared all the time. terrified. but even then, they didn't hurt anyone. coulda. coulda hurt _everyone_. but they didn't.

"and... he secretly wanted to be their friend. he asked them to dinner. and actually, instead of being friends, he sorta threatened them. cuz they were still the anomaly after all. and that was supposed be that. he was going to skip his last job for the day. just to avoid them."

Sans remembered how he had debated it, debated going to Judgment Hall. And it hadn't felt new. He felt like he always debated it.

"cuz it didn't matter anyways. what this guy did or didn't do. but... _he_ didn't want that to be goodbye. so he went. and he wanted.. he so wanted to make this kid happy. not the anomaly. the kid. this broken little kid. he didn't _want_ them to be broken. he just wanted to help them, to help them stop. to give them everything, not to appease them anymore, but because he wanted to. but what could he do? they had an impossible choice, but despite it all. somehow... he had hope. he believed this kid could do the right thing. somehow! they made his smile real. even if for a moment...

"cuz... ya see... that impossible choice really was impossible. and they just wanted so much. not for themself but for everyone they had also grown to care about. so they didn't stop. but this guy, he just didn't know why. still he hoped. still he clung to his belief. each time. he would always reluctantly give in and hope. hope is dangerous. you shouldn't do it, honestly. but he just couldn't help it. he hoped.

"and even when he had lost everything. to the anomaly. an anomaly he hated. a part of him knew he had once wanted to be their friend. a part of him knew, even if he didn't remember why, that he hadn't wanted to hate them. but he did. with everything in his bones he hated them. he didn't understand why they were doing this! and when he did... he regretted it. he regretted it deeply. because he could suddenly once again see how broken they were. he could see the kid. he could see somebody he had once called a friend. and he... he wanted to believe they could do the right thing.

"honestly... the honest answer to all of this...? he's an idiot. doing the same thing. expecting a different result. somebody once said that was the definition of insanity. he just... they had hurt him. they had hurt _him_ , and more importantly somebody he _loved_ deeply. but a part of him, all that time, had never stopped loving _them_. i hated you, but i still loved you. and that just made everything harder.

"cuz... it doesn't really make sense, does it? love doesn't make sense. you just do. even when you shouldn't. so... maybe that's it. maybe there just is no way to understand it. no why. i just wanted to believe... i just didn't want to hate... i just... couldn't afford not to care anymore."

Their eyes were wide still as he finished, and he could tell their mind was racing, trying to figure out how to respond, but finally...

"Monsters are weird." They said softly. And for a moment, Sans had to wonder who had said that to them that they were quoting. But then he remembered. Because it had hit him hard back when they had first told him that part. Asriel... Asriel, after breaking the barrier, telling them he wished he could tell them just how everyone felt about them. And it had included Sans. Even when the monsters had barely known them, they had loved.

"I guess I can't get it because I'm human..." Chara said, looking down again. "I'm not even... that anymore."

"you didn't even know frisk's name and yet you hadn't wanted them to die." Chara froze, their eyes lifting, to view him through Frisk's bangs.

"I was just remembering Asriel."

"no. not for all of it."

"... No." They admitted. "Not for all of it."

"... i wanna ask you something." Sans started again.

"What?"

"you _really_ hated me, didn't you?" Chara's mouth opened in surprised, but soon enough their mouth was closing and they nodded.

"I did." Their voice cracked. "I really did."

"but not anymore..." They were shaking their head now. "ya know i said i promised not to hate ya, and honestly, i don't anymore either." He told them. "but that thing i said about not knowing ya... that's not true, is it? you did a run. or two." There was another nod. "and how did that go?"

They let out a broken laugh, a laugh that somebody let out when remembering something that was bad at the time.

"Beyond horrible".


	23. Affording To Be A Demon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part III

"Howdy! Chara!" Chara's head swung upwards towards him, their eyes immediately catching the red light but covered lens before focusing on his excited face. "Smile for the camera!" They did. Not for the camera, but just him. Normally, they would have stuck out their tongue, but... "Ha, this time I got YOU!" Asriel declared triumphantly. "I left the cap on... ON PURPOSE! Now you're smiling for _noooo_ reason! Hee Hee Hee!"

No reason?

_You idiot... I'm smiling for you._

Asriel was just so happy, so excited... His face was brighter than the sun he had never seen before. And Chara's own smile lost something at that, their eyes darkening... The thought only reaffirmed their decision. But they hesitated, watching his expression for just a moment longer. Because a part of them knew, knew that it was the last one. That as soon as they opened their mouth...

"Asriel..."

The smile disappeared at the tone in their voice, and he was staring at them, curious. The smile was gone even as a shadow of it lingered in his eyes. But soon that would leave too.

At least for Chara.

They were certain, so certain, that there really would be more smiles. Just not for _them_.

But if they had just known. Just known! If they could have looked ahead into the future, to all that would happen...

Chara would have never opened their mouth to continue.

But you see...?

At the time...

They were certain this was the blatantly right choice.

To have everyone be happy. To have everyone smiling brightly, their expressions illuminated by the sun shining on their faces. To have everyone be _free_.

Chara could do this. Chara would. With the Save Star's help, as [ **redacted** ] called them, they could use their determination to linger, they knew they could. To help _Asriel_ do this. He would do this. Had to. Both of them together.

Chara glanced over towards the shimmering Star to the right of them, just within arms reach.

"Do you remember the last time we were here?" Chara asked as Asriel lowered the camera to his side. It's been a month or two since Chara had made their way out here, but now they'd been thinking... Thinking all of this through, and today they had grabbed their worn dagger and headed out on a secret mission as Asriel had followed behind.

"What?" Chara could hear Asriel's confusion. "Oh. Yeah, I remember." He admitted, this confusion transforming into apprehension. "When we tried to make butterscotch pie for Dad, right? The recipe called for cups of butter... But we accidentally put in buttercups instead." Asriel said, as if Chara hadn't actually meant to put the buttercups in. As if Chara hadn't turned to him, given them their dagger and told him to go get them. As if he hadn't protested. As if Chara hadn't flashed him a smile and told him, it would be _funny_. Granted, they hadn't known it would turn out the way it had, but in the end it was sort of funny wasn't it? Funny that Chara had thought something would turn out well in all of this.

"It didn't turn out well at all, did it?"

"Yeah!" Asriel agreed, but he was unable to hide how uncomfortable he was with the conversation. "Those flowers got him really sick."

So sick... _Deathly_ , even.

"We made Mom really upset. I should have laughed it off, like you did..."

Chara was looking at the ground beside their legs now, their lips pressed together.. Any other time they would have felt guilty, for having him want to be anything like them. For him to look at them as if they could do no real wrong. For him to offer them his love and understanding and belief. But now they needed it, were depending on it. They needed to believe that he could be. That he was.

"Um, anyway, where are you going with this?"

"Turn off the camera..." Chara said lowly.

"Huh? Turn off the camera...? OK."

Asriel could do this. Chara would help him do it. _Chara_ would do it. It would be okay.

This was the right thing to do.

They had to...

But Asriel was dropping the camera, and now Chara realized that was when the camera had turned back on, laying there in the grass and flowers.

"I... I don't like this idea, Chara." Asriel's voiced waivered and they smiled at him, though their eyes were taunting.

"Are you crying, you big baby?"

"Wh... What? N-no, I'm not... big kids don't cry." He parroted what they had told him, many times. And no matter how many times they did he always cried. And Chara would get to remind him again. Tease. Support. And secretly, a part of them liked it. They liked the... power. The power to build or tear somebody apart. It was a power that only others had held over them before falling into the Underground. Before they'd met Asriel.

And then Frisk...

Power that they were using in that very moment. Against one of the few people Chara had ever been able to accept truly loved them... Though they didn't deserve it and would soon prove it. Maybe they were proving it then, in that moment... As they guilt tripped him further.

"No! I'd never doubt you, Chara. Never!"

But he should have. Chara certainly did. Except in this. This. This one thing. Chara didn't deserve all the Monsters gave them and the Monsters didn't deserve to be trapped down here like this.

Chara could fix it all in one moment.

"Y...Yeah! We'll be strong! We'll free everyone."

They could do this.

They would.

With a couple of fateful swallows.

"I'll go get the flowers."

Chara reached up and touched the Save Star, letting it's warmth burn into their finger as they closed their eyes.

They could do this...

They would.

Asriel returned, his arms full and Chara reached up, accepting them. They weren't sure how much they needed. Certainly more than was in the pie. Or in hindsight, maybe not... considering how much bigger Asgore was than them. But either way, it didn't matter. Technically they couldn't eat too much. Only too little. And so, they took three of the flowers first and began to eat. It tasted horrendous, but they swallowed all the same. One for their mother. One for their father. One for Asriel...

They could see the fear in his expression, despite his declaration of faith. Chara smiled, reaching to take another handful. Asriel smiled back, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't real.

Chara just refused to see past it.

There was no going back now.

They could do this.

They would.

They had to.

...

..

They could do this.

They would.

It would be okay. Like following the script of a movie they had seen a hundred times. It would be... okay. Not easy, but at the very least _okay_. They thought they could handle it. With Frisk there, they thought that they could at least _handle_ it.

But all it took to almost shatter their resolve was the simple glance of a mirror.

*It's you!

The red eyes were wide in the mirror as they stared back, Frisk's mouth was parted in surprise.

*Well!

*Sorta!

*Kinda!

*Your eyes at least!

Chara kept staring, their throat already clamped down, drying out...

 _Right_ , Chara managed evenly.

*...

*Are you nervous?

That was a stupid question, but Chara accepted it greedily to redirect Frisk's attention, and admittedly their own, from the mirror that they were now looking away from and towards the living room. Nerves. Yes, nerves... It was the perfect excuse for the tension building in their chest.

*It's okay to be...

*And I'll be right there too!

Frisk just sounded, well... 'sounded' excited.

Frisk had fallen far enough back so that their inner voice wasn't really a voice as Chara walked around. If Chara hadn't known they were there, if Chara didn't know what their voice actually sounded like... Chara could have easily mistaken it for their own.

It was just a thought.

A very _excited_ , radiant thought.

A radiant thought that pushed Chara forward.

This had all been Frisk's idea, of course. They didn't want Chara to just be a voice in the back of their mind, to be a... a ghost over their shoulder. And Chara... Chara let Frisk slip them into place as they'd fallen back willingly. It was... It was bizarre. To be so aware, to not have anything between them and total control and yet also to have full control of their thoughts as well. Everything was strikingly real, strikingly _there_. There wasn't any disconnect. Their face, well, Frisk's face responded to all of Chara's commands, intentional or not. They were so used to hiding their thoughts and feelings from the one beside them, but now they also had to relearn how to hide it externally as well.

But there was no time, they were slipping closer to Toriel in the living room. Toriel would see everything. But hopefully she would read Chara's freaked out expression on Frisk's face as the face of someone just overwhelmed by something new... Not somebody too overwhelmed by something old and familiar, just extremely present... There. In front of them. Smiling warmly at _them_. At _them_ and not Frisk.

Except it still was Frisk, wasn't it? Still their face, their body. Everything. Even their voice.

But Toriel was smiling at them, from her place by the fireplace as she looked up from her book.

"Oh, my child. You're awake." Chara nodded. They didn't know what else to do but that. Just nod. Their words had escaped them. Their throat shut. Chara blamed that on it being Frisk's throat, as if Frisk not being able to talk at times was entirely their throat's fault and had nothing to do with how they were feeling. Because if they did then they would have to confront why they couldn't currently speak as well. It was just Frisk's throat. It tended to do that.

They weren't even convincing themself with that nonsense.

Because how could they explain the shaking in their limbs?

"I want you to know how glad I am to have someone here." Toriel continued as Chara forced themself to step forward and stand beside her. They resisted the urge to place their hands on her lap. There was a light in her eyes, a light that was just so clear and up close and Chara found themself holding their breath least it disappear. "There are so many old books I want to share. I want to show you my favorite bug-hunting spot. I've also prepared a curriculum for your education."

Chara's expression was closed and pressed tight. Their lips, the red eyes narrowed, there was a pain in their stomach.

"This may come as a surprise to you, but... I have always wanted to be a teacher."

The memory hurt... Hurt them like it hadn't hurt since the first timeline.

Her staying up later with them, reading to them and helping them to read too. The difficult words becoming easier and easier, and Chara going from only knowing how to spell their own name to beating Asriel in their own personal spelling bee.

 _"You're so clever, Chara."_ But they weren't. It was just their memory. It was just that Toriel knew just what to say to help Chara understand it. To get it. To help Chara catch up to the others in their level, and then to eventually surpass them. To go from being the idiot into being the one who decided just who was the idiot. Yet in the end...

"Actually, perhaps that isn't very surprising. STILL. I am glad to have you living here."

_"We're so glad to have you, Chara."_

_*Mom..._

"I..." Chara's voice trailed off again, the distress quick in their chest.

"Oh? Did you want something?" Toriel asked. "What is it?" Chara shook their head quickly. Nothing. They didn't need nothing. Anything! They didn't need anything. They... Chara slipped back, and escaped towards the kitchen, away from Toriel's gaze. They watched, waiting for her to look back down into her book. Then Chara slipped past he again and out into the hallway.

*What are you doing?

 _Nothing_ , Chara stated. But they were heading towards the stairs, to try and escape unnoticed. They felt Frisk's surprise. But Chara did not make it far before they heard Toriel coming after them swiftly. Their heart pounded, but soon their hand was grasped firmly.

"I think you should play upstairs instead." Toriel told them, as she began to lead them back up the stairs. The red eyes were wide, her hand... It was warm and soft and comforting. And Chara... Chara dug their feet into the ground, kicking the base of the first step and holding themself in place. "My child! It's dangerous to play here, we must go upstairs." Chara was breathing quickly.

*Chara?

*What are you doing?

*You know-

Chara shook their head, pulling their hand in hers.

"My child?" Toriel was sounding concerned, she could see the pain, the fear even in their expression. "It's dusty down here, you will catch a cough." She said, as if their breathing problem had anything to do with the atmosphere around them. As if dust mattered to them. Dust. Dust and dust! What had it mattered?

Her hand. It was warm. It was soft. It was dust. Dust and magic, so easily scattered. They had easily pushed Frisk into killing her. It had hurt, but they had done it. And then, she had hated them. Despised them. Just like Chara knew she should have. All this time. But she didn't. She hadn't even then either, she had just looked at Frisk as the killer and in her dying moments she had still loved Chara, hadn't she? She didn't even know. She didn't-

Just like with Chara and Asriel, she hadn't seen how much of an awful child Chara was, pushing her other children. Pushing the children who deserved her into doing things that made them look like the truly, vile creatures. But it was Chara. Chara was the one who...

"My child, let us go upstairs. I will read to you. Please... Desist this game." Chara hadn't even realized what they'd been doing. They were leaning back, their hand still in hers but their feet were pressed against the stairs still and they were leaning back, forcing her to support them. If she let go, they would fall. She wouldn't of course, nor could Chara push her away. But- "Please, stop this and come upstairs." She begged.

Chara's eyes snapped upwards, their face transforming into a snarl.

"Why didn't you stop me when it mattered?!" The heat in their chest and cheeks immediately turned cold as their face fell and their stomach dropped. Toriel's expression was surprised, concerned, but Chara was already falling. Her grip on their wrist was gone as Chara took a step backwards and felt the ground shift beneath their feet.

LOAD

They were standing outside Home and Frisk had risen up in alarm.

 _Chara?!_ ,

"I'm sorry!" Chara breathed. "I..." They hadn't meant to snap like that. They hadn't... But they had! They had snapped and now... Now Toriel didn't even remember. "Frisk, I..."

_"I... I don't like this idea, Chara."_

_"Please!"_ Frisk had cried a million different times in that hallway.

Chara swallowed, hiding their inner thoughts and memories away from their companion who remained so close, so dreadfully close as they tried to comfort Chara. Something hard was in Chara's chest as they re-entered the house, and there Toriel waited for them. So eager to show them to their room. Their very own room.

Chara could feel that Frisk did not know what to do, or even understood fully what happened, but Chara was too tired again to deal with it. So instead they ignored it. Ignored it as they crawled into bed and tucked themself in, dreading the fact that when they woke up the room would be filled with the smell of butterscotch-cinnamon pie. And that they would be able to smell it so clearly.

As they drifted off to sleep, they dreamed... Dreamed about Toriel's face. About her expression, and somehow two scenes mixed together. Her face, the shock of their outburst in the basement, and the shock... Toriel had been the first person to notice. To notice the blisters in their mouth, the way they moaned, the way they... They could see the horror on her face plainly, the terror. But Chara... Chara had smiled.

 _You're going to be free_ , Chara had thought. But now in their dream, they only had apologies. Apologies that when they woke up, they would never utter. They couldn't even apologize for their outburst, an outburst she hadn't deserved at all! Because Chara, like the coward they were, had erased it. Erased their mistake. But they still remembered it. It still played in their half asleep mind and the smell of pie drowned them. She hadn't deserved it and Chara had been wrong. It wasn't her fault. It was never her fault. Chara had to stop blaming other people for their problems. It was their fault and theirs alone. It had all been them.

The smell of the pie was too much. They had to shove it quickly into their inventory to try and hide it. They couldn't just leave it behind, Frisk would be curious as to why. They couldn't risk that. They had already ruined this enough for Frisk, they couldn't do it again. They wouldn't. This time they would follow the script. They wouldn't change a thing if they could. Frisk deserved this. They wanted this and Chara knew that they were also curious as to how Chara had experienced everything. It didn't matter what Chara wanted. It mattered what Frisk wanted. And so...

Chara slipped into the hallway, ready to face Toriel again, but this time with a renewed mask, a soft, fake smile. They could feel it on Frisk's face but they didn't know how well of a job it did. They refused to go back to the mirror.

But even though they hadn't, they still knew that the red eyes were there. Would always be there. Revealing them for what they were.

Not an idiot. Not even a bully. No.....

Nothing but a demon.


	24. Not Affording To Fall Apart (As You Do)

There's a trick to falling apart so nobody notices.

A few tricks.

The first thing, obviously, is acting like everything is alright. Pretending like there _is_ nothing wrong. Even to yourself. A fake it until you, well, not _make_ it exactly, but at the very least until you start to believe your own lies if you don't think too hard about it. Until the lying becomes easier because it feels a little less like lying.

To do this, you also have to hide the symptoms, the signs, of your falling apart. And if not hide them, then at the very least, excuse them. Excuse them with another cause. One that is anything but the emotional turmoil. Anything but the fact that you're on the verge of being too weak to handle whatever it is you're trying to handle. Anything but the fact of your vulnerability.

Every list of symptoms has several potential causes, that's why it takes a while sometimes to figure out what's wrong with you. You need to play into that. If you can't make them think nothing is wrong with you, at least make them think what's wrong with you is anything but what it actually is. So a different cause... A different cause for the same symptoms.

Breathing funny? Run a bit. Your eyes stinging? Sneeze. Shivering (Not _shaking_. You're not shaking.)? Fall into the snow.

Though, if you keep doing that too often your sneeze may not be all that fake. So limit your falls to only a few times. And early on. Since if you fall too much somebody will be sure to catch on that you aren't simply being a klutz. And for a matter of fact maybe don't sneeze so often either because you'll only make them concerned and when they're concerned you risk them getting closer. And if they get closer, they will know you're faking it, falling apart, not handling it.

They'll see through your symptoms.

That wouldn't do at all. That went against the whole point.

You're trying to fall apart so nobody notices.

And the one person you most definitely don't want noticing is Frisk. You have to, absolutely have to, keep them at arm's length. But also make sure that they don't really notice you're keeping them at arm's length. So just don't give them a reason to get closer. So try your best to do the already stated. To keep it all at least as a semblance of staying together. As best you can. Because if Frisk gets closer, rises up, slips into themself, their body that they currently can't feel properly from their position mentally in the back of their own mind... If they simply were able to feel their body that's being twisted into an anxious mess... If they did that... Then they would notice the sick sensation in their stomach you can't explain away. They'd notice the lingering stinging in their eyes and realize it wasn't just from the cold. They would know.

And if they did that, if they noticed, if they _knew_... They would be concerned. They would press it, they would give all of their concern, concern that you didn't deserve nor really want to deal with. They would ask you what was wrong.

And you...

You would either have to explain what was going on or come up with a convincing enough lie.

And you...

You wouldn't have the energy, the strength to lie. If you did, you would have had the energy to keep them from noticing you were falling apart to begin with.

You wouldn't have _been_ falling apart.

And if you couldn't lie, but couldn't tell them either, you would have been reduced to silence. And that would only concern them more. They would get even closer. They would definitely know. Most definitely realize the truth.

(That you just can't handle this. You _can't_. You really can't.)

And give a Frisk a cookie. Even a crumb. They wouldn't give up until they were certain you were feeling better. At least a bit. And the problem with that is, is that you would never feel better. It would only make it worse. They'd suffocate you, and make it worse, and you would go from smoldering to explode.

You needed that not to happen. If you exploded...

It was Frisk's face, hands, everything but eyes.

If you exploded...

It was like Frisk exploding for everyone else.

You'd ruin something. You'd ruin this.

(You were going to ruin this...)

(You knew it.)

(You already knew it. It was just a matter of time.)

(But you were still lying to yourself. You were still pretending. You had to pretend. Pretend for everyone else and yourself. There was nothing wrong. Nothing was wrong. Believe your own lies.)

Nobody could get close. Don't give them a reason to get close.

But as long as they stayed back...

You could handle this.

(You really couldn't handle this.)

You could _handle_ this.

It would be fine. Frisk wouldn't know a thing was wrong. It would be fine. Nothing in the end, would be wrong. Nothing important, either way. You just had to get through this timeline... You... You...

If you can't hide the symptoms of your falling apart... Ignore them. Pretend they too, do not exist.

Ignore the sickness in Frisk's twisting stomach. Ignore their dried out mouth. The tightness in their chest. The heat in their cheeks, that stupid persistent sting to their eyes. The currently red eyes... That will only get redder if you cry.

You should probably sneeze again, just one more time.

*Are you okay? Are you getting sick?

Okay! So maybe not! Maybe don't do that. Shake it off. It didn't upset you even more. The way that they refer to their body getting sick as 'you' getting sick. Ignore that. Push forward.

But what can you do when suddenly you're falling backwards yet again, even if this time, though, there is a clear excuse: dog marriage.

"A strange little puppy!"

You may be rolling around more than necessary, honestly, but that's what happened when you actually may have been struggling to pick yourself up. So maybe the excuse of not being used to a body had some merit. Not that it had impeded anything when it had been _killing_ Sans. So no. It wasn't that. You were just more of a mess than even you realized. Your lies were working a bit too well. You were starting to not notice your limitations. So maybe reevaluate the situation again. Pay more attention. Just for a moment. So you can adjusted your act. And once you have, press onwards again.

Suck it up, buttercup.

.

And ignore _current_ Sans' comments about how dark all of that is. Ignore his concern too. You're not done. You're talking. You're...

This is your lesson. He did not raise his hand to interject.

Shut up. Listen.

...Please.

You can't handle many interruptions right now, but you don't actually admit that. To him. To you. It's been so long, since this, but in the end you're still you. You're still lying to yourself. A lot.

You and Frisk are not the most reliable of narrators, it seems. He should have noticed that by now. Maybe he has.

(He has.)

.

But you, you were picking yourself up off of the snowy ground, surrounded by dogs. You have to get going again. You must ignore that sneeze that may have been actually real. (Drats!)

"... strange, sick little puppy!"

*Oh no!

*Now they're even more concerned than usual!

Don't let anyone notice how much this concern is affecting you. How much it makes you squirm, Frisk's cheeks flush, how much you hate it. Just smile. Maybe not that wide, you only make it look like a cringe, fake. Yes, it is fake, but you don't want the others to know that. Smile. Pet. And pet. Pet, pet. Open up their world! Be petted. Soft, warm, sympathetic pets for the sick, little puppy.

Let yourself take in the brief comfort of the sound of Frisk giggling, having fun with it. And for a moment, a brief moment, the smile even be a bit more genuine. Even as inside, the shame continues to cling, to attack, you to fall apart. At least Frisk is having fun in your misery.

But the red eyes won't stop stinging. The tight, lump in your throat can't be swallowed down. The fight never lets up for a moment. You can't. Papyrus... Papyrus keeps talking, Fights keep happening, you're still in control and the red eyes keep stinging. You're losing. You're losing in your battle against Frisk's body. You're beginning to notice more obviously the tears at your seams, and if you can notice them, Frisk and the others will follow.

So, change in tactics. Another lesson, pulled up from the past. A lesson you hated but needed in the most dire of circumstances.

When your eyes, or at the very least the eyes of the person you are somehow possessing, won't stop stinging, there is another thing you can do...

You can accept it.

Accept the fact that you're going to cry... and quickly begin damage control.

Best chance, to find another excuse for it, just like with everything else. Before you actually start crying, find a reason to cry. A reason you wouldn't be so ashamed in admitting. One that people are typically allowed to cry about. Of course it doesn't help that you don't consider yourself ' _people_ ', but there isn't anything you can do.

You're about to cry.

(Big kids don't cry.)

Find an excuse...

The cold was out, it could explain some of the sting, the water, but the moment your breath shuttered it would be an obvious lie. What else? What else did people cry about?

Pain.

Physical pain was a good excuse, even if childish. You didn't have many options at the moment.

"AH!"

Shit! Shit!

The ice may have been harder than anticipated, more jagged.

Shit!

*Chara?!

Y-You can stop the blood coming out of Frisk's knee by applying pressure. Squeeze. Cry... That's what you came here for, cry, damn it, while you can. Let it ease out of you, so you can make it work.

"woah there-!"

You realize you may have mangled up Frisk's knee a bit too much. If _he_ was here. Doing something. He never did anything until it was too late before. Yes, hold onto that anger. Grasp it, feed into it, let yourself snarl as tears stream down your dirty face. The anger clenching at your throat was a good thing, to hide, mask, everything else. Because Frisk was edged too close, able to notice. But their knee was still gushing blood, your hate for him common knowledge, and you had all your excuses checked off.

**LOAD**

_Chara?_

There was no avoiding Frisk after that, but you had let out enough steam to make it work again. But you're shaking a bit still... _Shivering_. Shivering not shaking. Oh who were you kidding for that? But this time you could excuse it with anger. And also...

You should flop back into the snow, for extra measure. Lay there a bit... Lay there and let the coolness seep through the sweater, to let your mind blank out. Take a deep breath. Pretend you're just cooling down from adrenaline that hadn't technically happened anymore, and an interaction with somebody you loath. Absolutely loath. Take that deep breath. Another. Calm down.

Frisk falling back again was a good sign. It meant it'd worked. Crisis adverted. Nobody noticed your real break down. Crisis adverted (for now). Except now you really are soaked through. The sneezes would all be real.

LOAD

Turn to go, to reface the snowy road.

It isn't long until you make it back to the place that you were before. Before you're eyeing the short skeleton fiercely, your breath quickening.

Maybe... Maybe you had been going about this all a bit wrong. Avoiding everyone was usually for the best, but hatred often had a lot of the same symptoms of falling apart. Why avoid him? Why pass up this chance for excuses? You weren't scared of him. Of his stupid, grinning face. He could provide the most believable excuse for a lot of-

The moment you stand to have your plan enacted, you're forced to retreat.

Abort mission.

Jump ship.

LOAD

Ignore Sans. Ignore him completely! Avoid him at all cost. Don't let him see the red eyes, don't let him see a thing, keep him as far away from you as possible.

Why?

Because you just hate him that much that's why.

(Don't let him see through you again.)

(It had happened, briefly. Right away. The moment you opened your mouth, the moment you glanced upwards. You saw it.)

(Can't let that happen.)

(You were trying to fall apart with nobody noticing.)

The less you had to deal with him, you probably reason, the better.

No Sans.

That was easy.

But somehow... There is an obstacle you weren't prepared for.

(Sort of like Sans, in _that_ timeline.)

Something you didn't expect, didn't even notice at first.

It's a surprise, to say the least.

Papyrus' hand on your back, eager, encouraging to lead you forward. His tone off. _Was_ it off? Somehow... You weren't sure. Maybe because it was directed at you this time and not Frisk. Though it was still technically Frisk he was seeing, right? But... But...

Ignore it. It was nothing. The two skeletons talking about absolutely nothing across from you didn't matter. Hold your breath as you stare at the snow between the pink slippers and the red boots and ignore how the snow can look like dust. Don't look up. Don't look at Sans (who would see right through you). And most definitely not at Papyrus. Papyrus. _Papyrus_.

This was more difficult than it had to be.

Especially since you can't _remember_.

His encouragement, you, _you_ , couldn't remember. Except a flashback, a pain. But you couldn't remember before that, if this was how he had been all that time. You hadn't noticed. You had thought him forgettable. He's just Papyrus. Though now your nightmares said so differently. Though usually, it isn't even his dust you're seeing. His brother's. (You were always a bit more preoccupied with Sans.) His brother's dust... but his scarf.

_"papyrus, do you want anything?"_

His last thought had been about his brother, as he had crumbled into dust he had only thought about his brother. You hated that. You hated that so much, hated him. That spark of feeling it had first initiated. That same spark that had made you LOAD. Made you want to kill him again. Because how dare he make you feel, even if your feelings had nothing to do about _him_. Or _his_ brother.

(Your 'last' thoughts had been about your brother, too...)

But other than that...

You couldn't... You couldn't be sure. If Papyrus had always been like this, this noticable. But Frisk didn't seem to be suspicious about it. So it must have always been like this. Except directed to somebody who deserved it. But... But...

Hold your breath. Ignore the stinging better this time. Swallow it down even though it makes your chest hurt even more. Just a bit. Keep it all held in. You have to. You've already indulged it too much. Demons don't get to cry. Don't get to complain. This was karma.

But were his attacks always this weak? Always this easy? You couldn't be sure, you'd never actually, physically done it before. Maybe it was just your comparison to Sans, maybe-

*Chara, you need to breathe.

Shock. Alarm. You feel it. Bone crashes into your chest and you use it as an excuse as you catch your breath. As you take in huge gulps. As your breath shutters and tears trace down your cheeks. But only a few. You guard your thoughts. You keep them close. But...

"HUMAN!"

You can only stare blankly, dazed for a moment up at him. At his concerned expression. The feelings in your chest...

You really can't breathe for a moment. You're really shaking as you stand up. Sh-Shivering from your fall into the s-snow. _Shivering_.

(Papyrus wasn't supposed to be the observant one! He wasn't supposed to be able to see past defenses! Or else he would see through Sans'! But he was! He-)

(How did Sans survive living like that every day? Lying underneath the gaze of somebody who knew? How did Frisk? How did... Chara...?)

*Chara?

(So that was it, wasn't it?)

(Everybody was falling apart and trying to keep the others from noticing.)

(Everyone was lying to themself.)

(Even as nobody else actually believed it.)

(Even as everyone saw.)

Grit your teeth. Bite your tongue. Don't panic. Don't freak out. Don't fall apart.

Don't freak out at the fact that... even if you did... He would always be there for you.

(Don't freak out about the fact that he would even if he knew what you did.)

(What you were.)

Don't freak out even though that was making everything so much worse.

Because not even Asriel was like that.

(Not even _Asriel._ )

(Not even Asriel would accept them now...)

Because they weren't the greatest person, not a good person.

(Not even a person.)

Don't freak out. Don't fall apart. You have to stand tall, you're in front of the two people who would always accept you, who had always accepted you no matter what- Even when they knew- Who always thought-

( _"YOU CAN DO A BIT BETTER, I PROMISE."_ )

You... You...

(You can't handle it. You can't handle this. You don't understand. You just can't understand.)

(You really can't understand...)

You press your lips together, you snarl, you tell yourself its your determination and nothing else.

(You are the only one trying to actually buy that lie though.)

You Spare. You win. You even hang out with Papyrus. The stinging eyes fierce. The stinging eyes staring directly at him. Determined to see this through.

(Daring him, daring him to just open his stupid mouth and comment on it! Just say something! Either of them say something! They both knew! They both noticed! Why?! JUST SAY SOMETHING!)

You're storming off. Ready to face the next challenge.

(Ready to escape)

(Ready to flee)

(Unable to face your problems head on)

Snow turns to slush, white into blue...

Blue and white skeletons. But his eyes not blackened. His left eye not blazing to life.

(Blue Stop Signs.)

The fierce, red eyes meet his gaze too.

And you know...

You can't lie anymore.

You know he knows.

You know that they all see it. All of them. They have since the beginning.

You're falling apart while everybody notices.

You were always the only one ever even slightly convinced you were succeeding.

It's just that nobody even said a thing.

Because Sans doesn't know what to do with something like that.

Because Papyrus is used to not being told and waiting.

And Frisk...

Frisk...?

...

..

Frisk was just trying to make _you_ happy.

* * *

 


	25. Affording To Drown

*Shyren was hiding in the corner, but encountered you anyways

"La-" Chara's, or more rightly Frisk's, voice cracked pitifully and Chara was clenching Frisk's teeth down together dangerously as they froze, taking in a forced, evening breath. Lifting their chin higher, Chara pretended once again that nothing had happened and straightened their back, prepared to start again, this time, humming... "Hm. Hm. Hmm. Hm."

Shyren was immediately perking up, just as she always did, eyeing Chara nervously before letting out her deadly sound in response. Chara shifted in place, their breathing difficult, the red eyes still stinging. They were slowly simmering and growing ever closer to a boil, but right then... Shyren humming and then waiting for their response... Chara let themself not think of it all for just a moment. Chara let the momentum of the sound keep them moving forward, letting the momentum give them the strength to do what they had to. To keep moving from one part of the script into the next.

Just follow the script. Just keep going like Frisk. Just do what Frisk would do and it would be alright. Alright. _Alright_.

Just hum and pretend the voice coming out of them was actually theirs.

The cracking helped a bit with that, Chara found. Frisk could usually keep a decent tune when they were up to it. Frisk's voice was a lot more melodious, easier, softer... Whereas Chara... Chara had always sounded like something dead trying to mimic being alive.

But with the cracking, the playing pretend, and the momentum...

"La-Hm. Hmm. Hm. Da dum."

"La la la la laaa!"

Chara let a smile work its way onto Frisk's face, and to be honest, it was slightly less forced than usual. As they moved to the sound. Through the attacks. As the crowd began to gather round, excited to hear Shyren after so long, and curious about the seemingly nonthreatening human before them.

Chara put their hands on their hips, swinging them in Frisk fashion.

Just like Frisk. Just follow Frisk's lead.

Chara could feel Frisk watching from their place in the back of their own mind, attentive even as they gave Chara space. Over the course of their journey, as Chara had simmered, Frisk had grown ever more silent. And when they _did_ speak, it was with a very, very fake cheerfulness. Trying to mask Frisk's own unease like they assumed Chara wanted. And perhaps it could have convinced someone else, maybe... But Chara could read them like an open book, could tell...

The red eyes closed and Chara swung Frisk's hips more forcefully than before as they hummed louder, letting the cracks help them forget, to pretend...

Keep pretending that they could, in fact, do this.

But the truth would surface abruptly... With just the opening of eyes.

The red eyes opened and Chara hit a wall. Their gaze had glanced back towards the crowd and with it they had been struck in place. The voice caught in their throat and they stood still even as the crowd cheered and egged Shyren on.

Chara couldn't hear them...

Nor could they really feel Frisk rising up a bit higher in genuine joy.

Because there was Sans, in his spot, selling his stupid toilet paper tickers. But besides that, Frisk could see the smile on his face. The smile that was _almost_ real... But it was enough to engulf Frisk, as Chara began to feel hollowed out. The red eyes were glued to the side of his unhooded skull, and their breathing turned even more uneven. Their mind had flown away from them, and... They were no longer there.

They were _there_. In _that_ timeline.

Chara was there in the back of Frisk's mind, where Sans stood in the shadow's and his face hidden. As he had _watched_ them. As Chara had... had...

LOVE.

Chara was LOVE, LOVE was Chara.

This. Dust, EXP, LOVE, Erase. This had been the real reason they had come back, the reason for their rebirth! To awaken and see the world for how it really was! Unjust! Unfair! Despicable and beyond correction. Chara had come back to make it fair. To Erase it all... It had to be the reason.

The LOVE was everywhere. Around them, in them, _was_ them. They were LOVE with one clear end, their true end, their true purpose! All of their thoughts had one destination, leading to that one thing, that one goal.

To Erase...

To forget. To disappear...

To Erase, just Erase. Nothing and nobody else mattered.

Especially not that little piece of them that appeared on occasion, that little, pitiful piece of them that seemed to be struggling to be aware, to Fight the rest of them, to fight the LOVE. It had appeared sometime before their 'Fight' with Papyrus, when Frisk had been on the verge of feeling, of breaking beneath them. A piece of Chara that was aware, whispering urgently, trying to point out how familiar all of this was, about how they were making the same mistake. That Frisk- Frisk couldn't do this. That they shouldn't-

But the rest of Chara and the LOVE squished it like a bug between their fingers each time it dared emerge, and it easily fell away again, ignored. It was so weak, too weak...

Drowning. As Chara drowned in LOVE...

Unable to hear themself crying out for help.

They were drowning in it all... but it just felt so **_good._**

They were finally free. The freedom had come in accepting the LOVE, in not having to worry, to not care about the consequences their actions had. To just let that dark liquid seep into them, cling, suffocate their thoughts. To just _forget_...

And the small piece of them that was aware was lost in it all, unable to surface, unable to rise above... Just sinking into the darkness...

And by the time they would make it to Judgment Hall, to Sans... By the time it had come to face Frisk in the hallway, that part of them would be entirely submerged.. It would no longer be able to call out for help. Not that Chara would have ever been able to hear it. Nor wanted to...

And right then, they didn't want to hear about their own doubts either.

The only thing Chara had wanted to hear was the sound of Frisk humming.

It had been a challenge, Frisk hadn't said a thing the entire timeline up to that point, not even cried out in pain. But right then... Chara had to get them to at least make some sort of noise. They just had to, to make things go easier...

Chara pressed closer, squeezing Frisk's Soul with the LOVE and exerting their still limited control, forcing Frisk to the best of Chara's LOVE fueled abilities, to take a breath, to force their lungs to breathe out and their throat to work.

Even as Frisk stared vacantly... As Frisk seemed almost unaware that they were even doing anything let alone hum.

Frisk was blank...

There were no internal thoughts as their body went through the motions.

Ever since that bumbling idiot, as Frisk had watched his stupid scarf fly away in the wind, there had been nothing. Frisk simply moved. Not that Chara was complaining, even though that small piece of them was urgent about it... Chara didn't care one bit, not really. It was a lot easier, not having to hear Frisk doubt. It was good that the doubt was gone even if it really was replaced by nothing.

Chara could work with nothing...

Chara could work with a shell a long as in the end, they got what they thought they had wanted.

What they had been reborn to do.

Chara squeezed Frisk's Soul once more and Shyren perked up at the attention she appeared to be being given. And then... It had all gone downhill from there, even though at the time Chara had seen it a bit different, as something positive. How the music had moved them forward, helped Chara force Frisk forward...

A crowd was gathering... Shyren was opening up, her defenses lowering... The time would be soon. Soon.

Except then, there **he** was... A hooded figure in the shadows.

The LOVE had surged and the hatred had consumed them.

The **idiot**! The **fool**! That **Comedian**.

Something pleased twisted inside them even amidst the anger. For they were going to beat him, they were going to beat him in this little game! His **_joke_**. They were going to win...

Chara took Frisk's wrist, pushing, pulsing, squeezing, crushing their Soul... **FIGHT**.

Chara could hear the crowd erupting behind them in horror, they could feel it, tangible in the air as the screams surrounded them and Shyren's dust scattered. And Chara... Chara led Frisk along as if there had been nothing wrong, walking past Shyren's shivering agent without so much of a glance to the fleeing crowd, to Sans in the distance...

There was a smile starting to twitch at the edges of Frisk's mouth-

*Chara?

Chara snapped to attention, barely dodging the attacks as they struggled to breathe. It was the start of their turn again, but they were glancing quickly back towards Sans. The hatred was engulfing them, filling out the void in their chest with intense heat. The hatred... But this time it was for very different reasons, or maybe perhaps in the end it was even the same. But no matter what the case was, it was still hate.

Chara could remember, those timelines before _that_ timeline, when they had been trying to get Frisk to do what Chara wanted... It had become important to ensure Frisk did not call out. For if they did, Chara would have never gotten what they _thought_ they had wanted.

If Sans had just...

They could remember his opened hand offered to Frisk, but if he had _just_...

If he had just!

Just done something! Anything!

He'd let them crush everyone.

Crush Frisk...

Chara was quickly choosing Mercy they did not truly feel...

**SPARE**

Chara rushed away from the scene; from Shyren, and her crowd, and Sans. The anger was choking them, the tears stinging in the red eyes undeniably. There was just so much anger...

But that anger... It was just a mask to all their other emotions.

It was just so much easier to hate. To be angry... Than to face everything else.

But Chara had rushed into the room with the statue, the sound of dripping water stopping them once again in their tracks as they breathed in, staring at that faded form as their head remained slightly dizzy from their rush while, they realized, holding their breath.

If Sans had just...!

Chara stepped closer to the statue, clinging internally to the anger like a shield as they touched one of the statue's horns, muddy water dripping between their fingers.

If Sans had just...

But even when someone had tried to stop them, it was always already too late... The damage was already done.

Frisk was silent, watching fearfully as Chara went into the other room, grabbing an umbrella and leaving the statue to its watery fate. For why should they try and fix it now? What did it matter? It didn't... They couldn't undo the damage already done... by the water. It had already worn it down, it would never be the same again. It was better if the statue just weathered away entirely. Erased. Forgotten...

Who had decided it was a good idea to set up a monument in Waterfall anyways? Hadn't they known what to expect?

How had they ever figured anything good coming out of it?

Hadn't they known-

.

Chara's words in Frisk's cracking voice trailed off for a moment, taking in an even breath as they stared out across the living room and towards the window, avoiding Sans' gaze. But he could tell... They were collecting themself and silently pleading for Sans to not say anything. To just let them keep going. Just like with Shyren, all they had was their momentum and if he spoke he would disturb that and they'd unravel. But their words were knocking around in his skull and slowly he slid his hand out across the couch, his palm open, and to his surprise, it was almost immediately that they were reaching back, grasping his hand tightly, and he was once again so thankful he had no blood to cut off circulation to. Chara laughed weakly, as if they could read his mind, but in actuality, Sans knew it was just another push for momentum, a knew kick to balance themself out so they could keep treading water, keep talking. Chara lifted the other hand to Frisk's eyes and wiped gently beneath them for a second.

"It was always going to go wrong..." They admitted out loud. "I was always going to mess it up... Because I knew I would. That thing you said, the prophesy thing. A-and just because..." They squeezed his fingers but Sans didn't think they realized it. "Nothing ever goes right..." Their head dropped a bit. "It just doesn't..." Chara laughed again. "But this was even worse because... I was following the script, its just... I was following the script." They lifted their head again, staring up at the ceiling. "And who was I to mimic something good? Somebody who could handle anything? Could handle... being alive? Could... could be something good...?" They laughed one more time. "Keep anyone from falling...?"

.

Chara listened to the water dripping against the fabric above them, as the little monster kid everyone had just come to calling MK, came bounding forward.

Chara didn't even bother calling out a greeting.

This kid, they had found, would chat away no matter what. Whether Frisk wa barely able to walk, if Frisk was silent and covered in dust... It didn't matter. The other kid was oblivious. Chara didn't even _have to_ pretend to be alright. Just walk, stay silent... choking.

Simmering. Boiling.

Frustration.

A fuse slowly burning.

MK just chatted away...

Chara wasn't paying attention at first; they knew the script by heart, all the dialogue, except, eventually... They found themself actually listening. The gears in their head turning as MK continued to speak.

About how Undyne was cool, a doer, a stopper, a guardian, a warrior, a _hero_.

Chara walked silently, unable to mask their other emotions efficiently with their anger anymore, it was all there before them...

If they were LOVE, if they were a demon, someone who couldn't do anything right. Of course... of course! Undyne was everything Chara wasn't, the very opposite of them. She was everything the God of Hyper Death had been _meant_ to be. What Chara had wanted... To defend the monsters, to stop humanity.

If Chara hadn't been so caught up in the LOVE... Her death... Chara was certain that they would have held a moment of silence. She had only been doing what Chara had wanted once... She had just... been in their way... their original want tainted and transformed, corrupted. That black liquid had been so much, too much, around them.

"She's too COOL to hurt an innocent person." MK declared with glorifying awe, just as always, and Chara couldn't help but agree...

Chara kept going, moving, Frisk's insides all torn up as Chara still struggled to breathe, still thought too much about everything they would be better off forgetting.

And Frisk stayed silent about it... Even as they talked cheerfully away, trying to help Chara pretend... Trying to make Chara happy, because that was what they thought Chara wanted... And that _was_ what Chara wanted, right? To pretend? To ignore? Then why...? Why wasn't it working? Chara just...

Chara was falling, physically falling as Undyne glowered. They were waking up on a bed of flowers but the smell was mixed with more than a hint of garbage.

And Chara kept moving...

Through garbage and past Mad Dummies. Through Echo Flowers and whispered dreams...

"Yo!"

And suddenly... Chara was there, turning towards MK who had joined them once again, their eyes piercing. MK stopped, and something in that expression... Chara's mind was flying once more into the past that hadn't technically happened anymore.

They could see MK trembling, standing in front of them, in their way... Determined to not let them past except through... And Chara had pushed Frisk forward, bitter, hateful, at how much this little monster, MK-

Chara blinked and MK was in front of them again, expectant.

"Y-Yo, I know I'm not supposed to be here, but... I wanna ask you something. Man, I've never had to ask anyone this before... Um... Yo... You're human, right? Haha."

No.

"Yes." Chara lied.

Follow the script. Just follow the script. Follow Frisk's lead. It would be alright. Nobody would know-

"Man! I knew it!... Well, I know it now, I mean… Undyne told me, um, 'stay away from that human'. So, like, um… I guess that makes us enemies or something. But I kinda stink at that, haha."

Of course MK stunk at it, Monsters weren't made for that kind of stuff. Not like humans. Even if they tried, Monsters' minds were so easily changed, so easy to love, whereas humanity... so easy to LOVE. And then there was Chara... Chara who... Who couldn't... They couldn't... They were having difficulty _breathing_. They- MK was standing there across from them awkwardly but all Chara could see was-

"Yo, say something mean so I can hate you? Please?"

_*Free EXP_

All they could see was MK standing there across from them, brave even as the little monster shivered endlessly. As Chara had stood behind Frisk like a coward, wanting it all to end. To Erase. To hide from their mistakes. To ruin it all, as was their destiny, fate-

But they weren't. They were up front, in control, even as they so desperately wanted to flee, to just hide behind Frisk. It was just... It was a lot more real being the one in control. It was a lot more frighten- Chara was shaking Frisk's head.

"So I have to do it?" MK asked in disappointment. "Here goes nothing… Yo, I… I hate your guts."

Chara flinched, still unable to breathe- This monster who always reminded them too much of Asriel. Too much of Frisk.

*Chara?

"Man, I… I'm such a turd." MK said unable to look them in the eye. So guilty and feeling rotten... even when Chara deserved it. Deserved to be hated. They- "I'm… I'm gonna go home now."

But MK was falling, always falling, no matter what, Chara always let everyone- And Chara-

"Yo, w-w-wait! Help! I tripped!" MK called. Called for help!

And Chara...!

*Chara?

Chara was stuck in place, they really couldn't breathe! They were stuck in _place_...

'Wh-what are you standing around for? Get over here, dude!"

*Chara?!

"I..."

Frisk always saved MK, always, no matter what... Chara needed to follow the script, to follow Frisk's lead, but...

If they weren't following the script, if it was just _them_...

Undyne had arrived, assessing the scene, tense to act as she looked between Chara and MK, her single eye piercing through her armor, and Chara...!

_"She's too COOL to hurt an innocent person."_

*Chara! MK's going to fall!

Chara's eyes were stinging, they couldn't breathe... Their face was hot, the anger and everything else was consuming them.

_You do it!, Chara_ demanded. They felt Frisk's intense wave of shock and confusion. **_YOU_** _save MK!,,_ Chara suddenly raged, the anger winning out as they stood taller in place, not moving as they glared at Undyne.

If it was just Chara...

Chara wasn't like Frisk. Chara wasn't like Undyne. They let everyone fall. They weren't like-

"I'm slipping!"

*Ch-?!

MK lost hold of the bridge and Chara jolted in surprise as MK plunged into the darkness, as they lost sight-

*CHARA!

Chara could only take a panicked step forward before Undyne was jumping down after MK into the seeming void. Chara froze again, their head spinning as the concept of breathing went left and right, unable to make up its mind in how it should work. Sometimes it didn't at all, but finally-

"Undyne... you saved me...?"

There was relief, there was shame, there was too much confusion, all of it doubled-

"Yo, I thought I was a goner, haha..."

The confusion was echoing through Chara's mind... Chara just didn't understand! Undyne was everything Chara wasn't. And yet-

"...wait, are you okay? It looks like you fell pretty hard..."

Undyne was everything Chara wasn't! Brave, certain, determined, selfless! And yet!

"Th-This is my fault. I should have stayed away from them, like you said."

The confusion made way for the shame and Chara's cheeks were burning hotly as their stomach turned. Chara should have just stayed in the back of Frisk's mind! Should have- Should-

"They just stood there... Watching... Waiting for me to fall."

They'd let MK fall! But _Undyne_ had let MK fall! Chara hadn't honestly expected it! They'd thought! They'd been certain! Undyne was everything they weren't! And yet she'd! Oh... O-Oh god, _they'd_ let MK fall! _They'd_! And it was Frisk's body. This was- What had they been thinking? What had they done?! Wh-What-?

"I was so scared, and you...-"

Chara couldn't breathe! Couldn't hear as their vision blurred, as their head spun. They couldn't! They'd ruined it! They'd ruined everything! Just like they had known they would! They let MK- They'd-

*Chara?!

Frisk was edging closer, having pushed back their surprise in their alarm, their concern.

_Chara what's wrong? Why didn't you-?!_

Chara fled.

Except they couldn't! They couldn't hide. They were the one in control, Frisk was there pressing for answers. They had nowhere to run even as they physically fled back the way they had come, crashing through the water and the whirl of blue light. They couldn't breathe! They couldn't stop! They had to get away- They couldn't get-

_Chara! Stop!_

Frisk was loud and urgent in their ear, Chara couldn't escape, couldn't- Chara was crashing through the water, past the blue flowers and glowing lights and frantically off of the path. They- They couldn't- Even if Loaded, they-

_Chara! Stop! Stop! Chara, please!_

Please- The word shuttered through Chara but they just couldn't see. They couldn't see any more. There was darkness and Frisk in their ear and panic. As Frisk got louder, closer, more frantic- Panic! Doubled. Tripled. Quadrupled. Everything. They'd-!

_CHARA **STOP**!_

Chara felt something yank on their control and they were forced to gasp as their feet revolted.

_*No..._

_*We're not!_

The red eyes opened wider in striking alarm as they miss stepped, and suddenly they were falling-! Falling beneath the surface of the water they hadn't realized was just beside them in their blind, mad dash.

Frisk and Chara were falling, their 'limbs' tangled together as both continued to kick, both panicking in the darkness.

The gold eyes were opened wide but there was still only _darkness_.

Darkness and liquid, their lungs burning.

But this time Frisk was beside them, Chara wasn't alone this time, Frisk was beside them! There was a hand rising above their head searching for help as they couldn't breathe! As their lungs HURT. As they couldn't see! They couldn't see!

It didn't even MATTER that Chara knew how to swim. They were still helpless.

They still did not know how to not drown.

And this time they were dragging Frisk with them- They couldn't- They couldn't! They couldn't tell up from down. All there was, was darkness. They couldn't- Chara couldn't-!

But suddenly...

There was the erupting of a brilliant, red light.

Frisk's Soul was in front of them, bright and pulsing in their panic, trying to _flee_ , but somehow... it wasn't their turn. And the Soul was seeping Blue.

Panic! _Panic_! **_Panic_**!

Everywhere, surrounding them, as they took in another gulp of water, as the pull of something in their chest failed to go completely through, that sensation they had once thought was dying but had just been a Load failing to go through. Death. Load. Something, anything, to escape the Blue! The feelings! To drown physically rather than this! To die! To Load! To Reset! To not have to face this! Face **him**! Him and his knowing! Too much Blue!

Regret, fear, _terror_ , everything!

The truth. Awful truth. Their shield torn from their fingers, the anger replaced- They could feel it all in the Blue, nothing, nowhere to hide away! Drowning in it even as they broke the surface of the water and everything was swirling, light was returning- Solid ground was beneath them as Frisk's lungs rebelliously coughed up water just as painfully as it had originally gone down.

The Blue! Chara wanted to reach out and grasp the Soul, to tear it apart themself! Anything! Just to escape the Blue! The truth-!

But the brilliant red was returning, and Chara immediately pulsed to Flee. To get themself away from it, to protect the Soul back in Frisk's chest, out of reach! Even as Chara stayed stuck on the ground as they unfortunately recovered. Chara kept their wide, red gaze on the ground, anything but at the skeleton hovering nearby. They could feel Frisk recovering, having stepped back away from Chara in order to let the both of them sort through their own emotions and ensure they knew whose was whose, but still- That only made the reality of their lingering terror that much more painful-

"kid?!" Sans was crouching down, they could see him in the corner of their gaze and he seemed to be reaching out- Chara jumped away, back, coughing as they tried to scramble out of reach. "woah!"

He knew. Knew! Knew Chara had let MK fall, let Undyne get hurt! Knew! Loading was pointless! He knew! Would always know! He was never going to trust Frisk again! They'd ruined it! This thing that Chara didn't even understand! His Mercy- They didn't! But they ruined it! They had ruined it! Ruined!

Chara couldn't breathe!

*Chara...

Frisk was weak but trying to rise up again, but Chara pushed back, terrified of them too, at them getting too close. Close. And hurt. They'd ruined this! Frisk tried once more, and Chara could feel them, the need to help, to Save, it surrounded Chara warmly, and Chara was forced to take a deep breath. But once again they pushed back, the terror too much.

Curse Blue, curse their inability to recover quickly, they needed- They-

"kid...?" Chara swung out an arm frantically this time, trying to sweep him away just as easily as Frisk had been, but he only leaned back, raising his hands defensively. "woah! woah! it's just a pal." He said, seeming genuinely concerned. "just a pal, just me, just sans."

Just Sans... Just him... Just him and his uncertain concern.

But concern for who?

Who?

Them or the people in the Underground?

Definitely the latter.

But Sans was still talking- What? Chara wasn't sure at first, but once they started to breathe properly again, they heard-

"you just don't seem to be yourself."

They didn't... Didn't _seem_...

Chara laughed. Laughed. And the laugh grew, weak and watery, but genuine. As Chara laughed!

Laughed at the absurdity of it all...

"You don't.. even know the half of it." Chara managed, and laughed again.

_"Let's just end this..."_

But Sans! Sans still couldn't get the joke! He couldn't even know!

Because they were the half he didn't know!

The laughter was edging into tears as they tilted their head back, the fear rippling through them as they forgot for a moment how to feel angry.

Because he really would know, even if they LOADed, he'd know! Know they messed it up. That they'd hurt someone.

Their fingers were digging into the grass, tearing it up by the roots, killing it.

Frisk really wanted him to trust them and Chara had messed it up! Ruined- The red eyes closed and they grimaced, not wanting to be there but pointless to Load. Frisk hovered back, alarmed and frightened and so, so uncertain. Sans, from what they could tell, was sitting in place, just as uncertain, and both of them watched Chara... Watched knowing everything. How wicked they were, how unhinged and vile they had become. How messed up...

"mind..." Sans spoke up suddenly after a few minutes of their heavy breathing and the occasional ripping of grass. "telling me what's wrong?"

The red eyes opened wide as they stared upwards at the now falsely starry ceiling.

"Mind... telling you what's _wrong_?" Chara asked, turning their head back in his direction. The red eyes were now piercing, a snarl forming on their face. "What's **_wrong_**?" They repeated. The anger was giving them momentum, letting them pick themself up and tower over him. "You've come to help? Now? After **_everything_**?" There was a fire in their chest... " **You**... You never say or do anything until its too late! Why-? Why didn't you ever just say anything before?! Why do you never do anything until its **_past_** too late?! Why didn't you stop me?! Why didn't you-?!" Their voice broke, and they were gritting teeth together as they hunched their shoulders around their neck. "I hate you." Chara managed. " **I REALLY HATE YOU!** " A sob escaped as the collapsed back down beside him, on top of their pile of dying grass. "I really, really hate you..." They sobbed as they pulled their knees in, hiding their face away, covering themself this time in wet darkness.

There was silence from the other two, but they could at least feel Frisk's stark alarm. Chara shuttered as they tried to stop sobbing.

They hated him. They just did. They hated him-

"... but is it more than you hate yourself?" Sans said softly beside them. Chara was now the one flooded with renewed alarm. They lifted their gaze, staring right over their knees. The red eyes were wide, even as tears continued to stream down their cheeks, and they took in sharp breaths.

Later, they would wonder, how had he ever managed to gain the courage to say that out loud?

But right then, the answer was struck through them, their mind strangely clear, the answer surprisingly simple.

"No..." Chara whispered, but then they were collapsing back down against Frisk's knees.

They hated this. They hated Blue. They hated how they couldn't pull themself back together again. Like Frisk-

_I can't... I can't do this. I can't do this like you._ Chara cried to Frisk internally. Chara could feel Frisk's surprise as they rose up, even as they lingered back a bit, giving Chara space to breathe.

*But I never wanted that...

*I wanted you to do it like you.

*I wanted you to have fun!

*To do it your way!

_My way's no good! I told you... I just hurt everyone. I just can't do anything but hurt everyone!_

_But a lot of my jokes are your jokes_ , Frisk reasoned, leaning closer. _You always helped me decide, to figure out how to Spare. What to do-_

_I pressed you into killed everyone!_

_But we're changing! Growing! That's the point! That's-!_

_All I can do is hate! I... I let MK fall! Undyne get hurt!,_ Chara interrupted. _I only know how to hurt-_

_That's not true!,_ Frisk yelled. _That's just not true! You wanted to save MK! I felt it! You wanted to! You feel bad about it all! You didn't mean for Undyne or MK to get hurt! You didn't want them to be-! I know it! And you don't want me to get hurt! You can do more than hurt! You never let me hurt my arm anymore! You... You...! You can do the right thing! You can! We can Load! And then you can do what you wanted to, and then- then-_

**_What's the point to that?! To ANY of that!_** Chara raged, grasping at the side of their head. _Even if I do, I'll just make a new mistake! Why even pretend nothing happened? Sans still knows! You still know! I still know! There isn't a point! Nor is or ever was a point to this **stupid** timeline! Just Reset and take control and do it, Frisk! _

*...

Frisk was silent and shocked in place, but then...

_N-No..._

_Wh-What?_ , Chara's mind was swirling, _Frisk!_

_No... I... I think..._ , Chara could feel Frisk cowering back, but also a small seed of determination.

_Take back control, please Frisk, just Reset! There might still be a chance he will trust you, if you just Rest! Reset and let me stay in the back. I-!_

_No._

"FRISK!" Chara yelled, cringing as the stretching sensation ripped through their chest. As their half lidded vision spotted darkly, but they couldn't force it. They couldn't Reset and they couldn't force Frisk back into place. Frisk was an apologetic, scared yet immovable wall of yellow determination. Chara felt as if Frisk's body was trying to tear itself apart from the inside, and they recognized this sensation, though they had never experienced it from this side of things before.

And for a moment, Chara was tempted to just leave it, to let nobody control, to simply collapse right there. But... But they didn't... Didn't deserve to say 'no' to Frisk, and yet... This was a mistake! A mistake!

"I just get everyone hurt..." Chara whimpered. "I hurt them..."

"kid..."

The red eyes closed and a hand covered one of them as the other hand slammed down into the ground beside them. Why did he have to be there?! Why couldn't he just leave them alone?! To just go away and take his knowing with him!

There was another moment of silence before he continued.

"you know... while you may have hurt someone, they didn't die, and if you really felt bad about it..."

Chara's mind went to Load as the answer, just like Frisk had said, even though in hindsight they would realize that he would have probably never brought that up himself. But it was there in thier own mind: to undo it, to erase the mistake, but-

"welp, that's why they invented apologies."

The red eyes were open wide again, at least the one that wasn't being pressed by a hand. Their lips were parted in surprise as their breath shuttered.

Wh-What?

Chara was turning back towards him, snarling as they lowered their hand, the frustration that came with not understanding something rising up in their chest.

"And what's the point to _that_?" They demanded. That did even less than a Load or Reset! "That doesn't fix anything!"

"apologies... they're sorta like do-overs, aren't they? i mean.. maybe ya can't fix what happened, but... it's a start to make things better?"

What the hell? What the hell was this? Why was he here? Why was he talking like this? Where was all this coming from?

But they could feel something from Frisk, something radiant in the back of thier mind.

*He... promised.

"I..." Chara was taken aback for a moment, staring at him, seeing him offering his hand in their mind... They could hear their own questions echoing, about the why? Why now? After everything?

He never did anything until it was too late...

But that wasn't _true_.

Because he'd listened. He'd promised. He'd... But Chara...

Chara just... **couldn't. under. stand**.

"Why would I ever be forgiven?" They snapped.

"... well, i was just sayin'." Sans said with a shrug as he stood up, putting his hands in his coat pockets.

"It doesn't work like that!" He was watching them, a strange expression on his face. "It... It doesn't..."

Not unless... you were Frisk. Or Papyrus. But he was Sans... He... He was a liar, he wore a mask, he... he never said anything even when it was important...

But... He'd asked them once, if... if even the worse person...

But that hadn't been his thoughts, that had been... Papyrus'. Sans didn't... believe that, did he? He hadn't... answered Frisk when they had asked. But didn't all of this.. imply that... he did? This... This didn't makes sense.

"It doesn't work like that." Chara repeated. "There's no point." They looked back up at him, meeting his gaze, which felt... oddly as if they were searching for an answer from him, even if they never believed anything that came from his stupid grin. But Sans... He just shrugged and began to walk away, leaving them behind with their thoughts as they twisted to stare out into the darkness across the water.

It didn't work like that...

You didn't just forgive... Unless you were-

*Ch-Chara?

It was just too much! Too much...

Chara set their head back down against their knees, shuttering as they tried so hard to press their swirling emotions down, to get a grip...

But all they could think about was _time_ swirling around them, at the very end when Chara had been raging, ripping, tearing at Frisk as they had held on to Sans who was no longer there...

_"pap..."_

_"I'm sorry..."_

The red eyes squeezed shut...

It didn't _work_ like that.

B-But... With Frisk... Hadn't that been what Chara had done with Frisk? Because there had been no real way to undo it? Still no real way to undo it? They had apologized but it didn't really _mean_ anything in the end. It just... It just-!

Chara sat back up and wiped at the red eyes, even if their sleeve was soaked through and it was a pointless endeavor just like everything else.

_Chara, do you want to L-Load?_

"There's still no point..." Chara grumbled, standing up... They could feel Frisk's disappointment slinking back a bit.

*I'm sorry...

Chara stopped mid-step, their mind still murky and uncertain.

*It wasn't supposed to turn out this way.

*It wasn't supposed to be such a mess...

*And I know you want to Reset, b-but...

*I... I just...

*I... I'm sorry...

Chara shook their head and then continued to walk, uncertain as to what direction to go but knowing it was still better than staying there with their thoughts.

But then... they'd just be on the road with their thoughts, slowly going under once again...

You couldn't run away from the thoughts in the back of your own head...

You couldn't surface if you didn't know which way to go... If you didn't have an answer that made sense...

None of this made sense.

.

"Mercy just.. doesn't make _sense_... It just doesn't make sense."

The palm of their hand was pressed against their forehead as their cringed deepened and they rested the elbow against their knee. It looked as if they were still struggling with all that he had said and trying to organize the pieces and failing... As if all of this wasn't as far behind them as it had seemed... As if they were still stuck sitting in the pulled up grass by the water, surrounded by blue light.

But what more could Sans say?

"sorry..." He said without really thinking it through...

Because there really wasn't anything more he _could_ say about it. And just like Frisk refusing to Reset, all he could do was let them figure it all out on their own, to face it. Even though it was painful to watch... What more could he do? He was just... sorry.

Chara laughed a bit, their cringe trying to be a smile...

"I know."


	26. Affording To Disappoint

The thoughts continued to swirl, continued to make everything murky as Chara continued, trying their best at first to play along with everything as best they could. They dared not sway from the script as Undyne's harsh words came at them just as heatedly as her spears. And they even poured water on her face and braced against her glare as she towered over them... Because at first they had no clue as to what to do and what aim they were going for anymore and it was all they had. But all of that changed in an instant... In an instant it was done, unraveled.

The red eyes narrowed as they stared at the door of the lab and their mind finally focused.

**_Her..._ **

Chara didn't know how to feel about a lot of things, how to make it all make sense, but there was one thing they knew for certain, and that was their thoughts regarding Alphys...

And Chara...

Chara entered the lab, but that was as far as their cooperation would go.

Chara **refused**.

Chara was silent and deadly, the simmering red glare tearing through Alphys who stuttered even more than usual as she stood across from them. She was sweating profusely and her voice cracked in what Chara hoped was fear...

Chara hoped Alphys was torn up inside beyond repair. Chara hoped Alphys felt all the guilt in her stomach. They hoped she had trouble breathing even when Chara wasn't looking. Chara hoped she was caught up in hating herself.

Mettaton acted with all of his bravado and seemed to be unphased at first, but Chara could tell he was growing more concerned for Alphys... For how poorly all of this was working out.

_"SIGH... WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE GOTTEN A HUMAN THAT LIKES PUZZLES?"_

_"it would make my brother really happy if you played along."_

Chara _**refused**_!

Chara simply refused... With **_her_**. With **_Sans_**.

Chara hated them. No array of sweet words could change it. Chara **refused**. The only thing that kept Chara from pressing it further and from crossing some line was the smallest sting of fear, even though it wasn't theirs.

But Frisk had wanted Chara to do it their way. Well... This was it. Just short of actually killing anyone. Chara didn't know what Frisk had expected. But now they could finally see how messed up this all was. Didn't they understand?

The fear mounted and Chara pushed the guilt at having caused it to the back of their mind, where it belonged with Frisk. Because Frisk had asked for this. Had wanted to do it Chara's way and guess what? Chara refused. **Refused**. They refused to keep pretending to be a good person when they weren't... All of this was pointless... Didn't mean anything... Just... erase... Re... **All of this was pointless.** Why even try?

Chara could feel Frisk's strong desire to do something and yet loss as to what to actually do. Until finally...

_Let's do something else_ , Frisk interjected as they approached the final fight with Mettaton. _You're too upset._

Chara didn't say anything... No biting remark, no snarky comeback of 'Of course I'm upset!'. If Frisk actually wanted to make it right, they already knew what Chara wanted... But Chara also already knew that they wouldn't. They never gave up...

Chara lowered their gaze and kicked a pebble...

_We can hang out with Papyrus again_!, Frisk tried. Chara scoffed. It wasn't like their hanging out with Papyrus had gone much better to begin with. They'd just spent the entire time staring knives into him as Chara dared him to just call them out on everything they knew he could see!

And besides...

_He's waiting for me at Undyne's_ , Chara reminded.

_Oh...Right... Well... We can hang out with Undyne!_

"Like she'll want to." Chara snapped, kicking another invisible pebble.

_She never waaants to.._ , Frisk reasoned.

That was technically true but the point still stood in Chara's mind. There was no guarantee she'd cave this time. Not after what happened. Chara lowered their head further, even though that couldn't actually do anything to hide themself away from Frisk...

"You heard her, I'm a coward..." They mumbled.

_Sh-She... She says a lot of mean things all the time! That doesn't mean anything!_

"..."

_We can... We can do whatever._

"Except **_Reset_**." Chara could feel Frisk's reaction like static racing up their spine, but their silence was more pronounced than even that. Chara sighed, and when the red eyes opened again they were looking back over their shoulder towards the way they had come... **_Fine._**

If Frisk wanted a hang out, they were getting a hang out...

Chara splashed through Waterfall even more than usual, even willing themself to give one big jump before reaching the Save Star at the crossroads that led to Undyne's...

"Urgh!" Chara punched the Save Star, the anger resurfacing. The Star's power surged through their arm, almost biting, but Chara remained unmoved. _Feel better?_ , Chara chided, sick of their own childish behavior. But at the thought something pricked in the back of their mind. Something they couldn't quite place and it only made everything worse. The red eyes pressed closed as they regathered themself and walked ahead towards Undyne's.

Stupid Save Stars. Stupid timelines. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Hang outs. Papyrus. Sans. Papyrus who shouldn't be so stupidly observant. Stupid... St... Stupid...

The strangest thing happened in their not-actually-theirs stomach as they lost steam and came to a halt in the shadows. The unease flipped and turned and Chara suddenly didn't want to step forward. Not that they had wanted to be there to begin with, but right then, they suddenly, really, truly didn't want to step forward. Papyrus was standing in front of Undyne's, just like usual, beaming like an idiot, just like usual, in his excitement as he waited for them... just like usual. But even from a distance, Chara could see his... uncertainty. Chara wondered if that was new or just something else they were noticing for the first time, but... the fact still remained... They didn't want to step forward. They didn't want to face him. Chara didn't want to face-

_"YOU CAN DO A BIT BETTER! EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK SO."_

They... They felt... There was a sting of guilt as their mind went over everything they had done since leaving him in Snowdin, and even before that.

_He's going to be so disappointed in me_ , Chara realized, their breathing thinning out. But with that thought also came a layer of surprise. Because they weren't sure when that had become important.

Frisk was there in an instant, and Chara recoiled, fearful as they realized the slip, letting a piece of them they had no clue how to understand slip into somebody else's grasp, even if it was Frisk-

**_Shut up_**. Chara ordered before Frisk could say anything, the red eyes stinging.

*Chara, that's not..

*He won't...

*I...

Frisk was still at a loss, but still so determined to try, and Chara... The red eyes stung and they shook Frisk's head, the eyes closing briefly as they tried to shake it off. The memories that were creeping up.

*Chara...?

The red eyes opened, as Chara hardened against Frisk's concern, but instantly the red eyes widen in terror and Chara lost their resolve and their ability to breath. Papyrus was staring right at them! Chara physically jerked back, trying to hide again within the shadows, but knowing it was too late. He'd seen them and now he had seen them just short of trying to hide away from him again. The action felt familiar- A swell of deja vu- Except Papyrus wasn't smiling, the concern was stark on his face, and Chara's not-stomach flipped once more, rising up in their chest.

"I..." Their voice cracked and was too weak for him to hear them at that distance. Chara didn't know what to do, how to flee or escape this situation. A smile appeared on their face, small and hesitant but Chara didn't know what else to do. It was all they had. Their stance was half ready to flee but they couldn't, and all they had was their smile to try and get that concern off of his face. It only made it worse, Chara realized and for a moment Sans' fake smile flashed in their memory and their smile fell. They... All they could do was stand up, breathe deep and take a step forward into the blue light as the red eyes stung and they bit the inside of their bottom lip. He'd seen them and now they were stuck, except...

They felt a tug on their chest-

LOA-

It faded as they stood in front of him looking up, his smile forming, but seeming only half genuine itself, and something in that made Chara even more sick. And somehow they noted something had changed inside them even if they weren't sure when...

Like it had once changed for Asriel, for Asgore and Toriel, for Frisk... For...

And that wasn't good.

Chara couldn't afford... Couldn't afford... It was bad enough having four people they didn't need another. And yet... Here they were. Papyrus smiling down at them and they suddenly felt the need to do this hang out not just for Frisk...

Chara... Chara hated it.

Why did.. Why did these two have to be so...? Why couldn't they just... give up on them? Why did Chara have to grow to care? They hated it... Nothing ever went right so why try? Why...

"OHO! THE HUMAN ARRIVES!" Papyrus declared, trying to pretend he hadn't just seen them cowering in the shadows... "ARE YOU READY TO HANG OUT WITH UNDYNE?" He asked as Chara glanced downwards. They knew they didn't have to respond but the answer to that was a definite no... "I HAVE A PLAN TO MAKE YOU TWO GREAT FRIENDS!"

*Chara?

Chara lifted their head and nodded, trying to look determined. Trying to convince themself that they were in fact determined. They had nowhere to run... Even if they did in fact Load...

Papyrus seemed to hesitate one more moment than usual, but seemed encouraged by their willingness to try. Not realizing it was because they just didn't see the point in running. In trying to fight against it. And also... the fact that they had people they didn't actually want to disappoint even if they were helplessly destined to. Again. One of those people that was now, apparently, even though much less severe, starting to include Papyrus for whatever stupid reason.

Stupid.

So stupid...

This entire thing, all of it pointless. Doomed. Predestined to fail...

And yet Chara just couldn't seem to learn. But it was hopeless.. Why even try-? Why-?

"OKAY! STAND BEHIND ME!" Papyrus twisted away from them and Frisk's stomach dropped as Chara held their breath-

This was it-

"PSST."

Oh right!

"MAKE SURE TO GIVE HER THIS!" Papyrus was pulling out the bone and holding it for them to see, even as he forgot to actually hand it to them. Not that that mattered either, she would immediately know who had actually brought it. Pointle-"SHE LOVES THESE!" He was turning back away from them. And as he knocked on the door, Chara couldn't help but flinch each time. This was a mistake, bad idea, they- The doors of the house were opening, formed like jagged teeth wanting to swallow them up-

"Hi, Papyrus! Ready for your extra-private, one-on-one training?"

"YOU BET I AM! AND! I BROUGHT A FRIEND!"

Chara wanted to Load, escape, they-

Papyrus had shifted away from them, revealing them to Undyne and the fish woman was beaming.

"Hi, I don't think we've..." She froze solid, the hatred in her eye searing into them, and Chara... Chara bit down, glaring back as best they could. "..."

"..."

"..."

*...

"Why don't. You two. Come in?" Undyne said through gritted teeth.

Papyrus was too excited to contain himself. He seemed naively thrilled that something was finally going good, that his friends would soon also be friends and maybe everything would be a bit alright! Papyrus disappeared into the house, through the awaiting mouth and Chara took a deep breath before their shivering limbs brought them through.

"HERE. UNDYNE. MY FRIEND BROUGHT A GIFT FOR YOU. ON THEIR OWN!" Papyrus declared, convincing no one.

"Uhhh... thanks." Undyne replied as she took the bone in hand, eyeing the ribbon as if perhaps it had insulted her, but then she tried to put on her best face, just for Papyrus' sake. "I'll, uh, put it with the others." She did so quickly before coming back, still maintaining that false face. "So are we ready to start?" She _tried_ to ask cheerfully, but Papyrus was acting quickly.

"WHOOPSY-DOOPSY! I JUST REMEMBERED! I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! YOU TWO HAVE FUN!"

Chara could remember the first time they had stood there. Or Frisk had stood there with Chara in the back of their mind. Frisk had been absolutely terrified before with Papyrus there between them, afraid and barely able to talk even though their nasty habit of silence was starting to grow better. But right then, even in their terror, Frisk had died laughing, actual tears in their eyes, and a rush of genuine affection for Papyrus as he had just busted out the window... It had surpassed even their fear of being alone with Undyne, it had filled them with determination... It had convinced them that they could do this...

But for Chara...

The glass shattering rang in their ears, making them jump even as they had anticipated it. The dread was spreading across their chest. They needed to Load. Needed to get out. But they couldn't! Couldn't! All they could do was stand there rigid with only the small relief that at least when they ruined everything just a bit furthur Papyrus would not be there to see it.

"..." Undyne was just staring at the busted window like usual... Not sure what to make of it but not surprised either... It was Papyrus afterall. Chara felt another wave of nausia as her single eyed gazed made its way back to them. Chara stood exposed and knowing full well that she knew. Knew what they had done. There was no more 'if she knew', there was just 'she knew'. She knew..

_"BUT YOU? You're just a coward! You abandoned your friend just so you could run away!"_

But what did she know other than the truth? The truth Frisk and Papyrus weren't willing to see.

"So why are YOU here?" Undyne demanded. "To rub your victory in my face? To humiliate me even further?!"

To ruin everything furthur, Chara was certain... To prove that they weren't anything like... her. But then again...

"IS THAT IT?"

Chara refused to answer, just glaring at the floor as they remained in place, and Undyne seemed to take it as a 'yes'.

"That's it, ISN'T IT? Well-"

"No." Chara mumbled, lowering their face even further to let Frisk's bangs hide them in shadow.

"Hmph." Undyne didn't seem impressed at all. "Then why are you here?... Wait. I get it. You think that I'm gonna be friends with you, huh?" Her teeth were clenched as she snarled and her eye tried to pierce through them, maybe physically with an actual spear. "Right?"

"Yes..." Chara just couldn't seem to make themself say no. After all that hate and refusing to do anything with Alphys, it felt constrictive to be back here pretending. But she wasn't like Alphys. Like Sans. She was everything Chara wasn't, and she was everything... She was...

But she also knew the truth and Chara knew the truth and it was pointless so why be there? Why... Why feel so ripped to pieces inside? The red eyes were stinging even more and Chara clenched their fist, letting their nails dig into their palms.

_It's because you do care! Even if you say you don't!_, Frisk cried adamantly.

_"YOU CAN DO A BIT BETTER! EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK SO."_

_You don't... You don't underst-,_ Chara tried but failed.

Tried but failed...

"Really?" Undyne continued. "How delightful! I accept! Let's frolick in the fields of friendship!... **NOT**!" Chara crossed their arms and remained staring at the ground, hiding from her eye, feeling extremely sick. "Why would I EVER be friends with YOU?!" The red eyes squeezed shut. "If you weren't my houseguest, I'd beat you up right now! You're the enemy of everyone's hopes and dreams!"

_"You're our hopes and dreams, Chara."_

_"You're my best friend, Chara."_

_*It says Best Friends Forever._

Chara had just wanted...

_"Chara wasn't the greatest person."_

_Ch-Chara...?_

"Now get out of my house!" Undnye raged and Chara could hear the crunching of broken glass.

"DANG! WHAT A SHAME..." Papyrus' voice cut through and Chara forced themself to look up. "I..." His voice trailed off as they caught his gaze, and immediately the alarm was set off in Chara's chest as his expression changed. "I... I GUESS..." Papyrus was lifting his hand out towards them through the window and Chara's heart jumped. "I GUESS SHE JUST WASN'T UP FOR THE CHALLENGE OF MAKING FRIENDS WITH SOMEBODY AS COOL AS YOU." He told them, and Chara's face broke in surprise.

W-What?

*What?

"PERHAPS SHE NEEDS SOME TIME." He continued, still offering his hand as Chara stared at him.

"CHALLENGE?" Undyne cried!

Ch-Chara... Papyrus' gloved fingers flexed the tiniest bit, encouragingly as he half smiled, even with the fear in his eyes, and Chara felt... Chara felt light as they rushed forward, over the broken glass, and clasped his gloved hand in desperation. In one swift motion, Papyrus was pulling them in and lifting them up with ease over the jagged window plane. Chara was dizzy as he held them in one arm, and they blinked as they tried their best to comprehend what they had just-

Their feet were dangling, touching nothing and the ground so far bellow them. None of that helped in their dizziness and they were forced to wrap their arm around Papyrus' neck for support as a wave of nausea rose up within them.

"What?! Papyrus! Wait a second...!" Undyne didn't have much of a chance to continue before Papyrus was off, making his escape from the window as fast as he could without actually breaking out into a run. Chara watched his feet take steps that were almost longer than Frisk was tall and listened to Undyne grow more distant.

"PAPYRUS GET BACK HERE!"

Chara gripped Papyrus' neck even tighter. Everything was coming together, feeling real. They had done that. They had actually done that. Raced across Undyne's living room and had fled. Papyrus had let them flee- Papyrus had done that!

The red eyes blinked more rapidly as Papyrus continued to move at an astonishing speed, apparently worrying about the possibility of Undyne following just as much as Chara was. He raced past the Save Star and towards Hotlands where she would be less likely to follow.

"SHE JUST WASN'T READY, I SUPPOSE!" Papyrus offered again, still moving. "WE CAN ALWAYS TRY AGAIN LATER, WHEN SHE IS MORE UP TO IT! NOT EVERYONE CAN MAKE FRIENDS AS EASILY AS US. IT IS NOT THE EASIEST THING TO DO AFTER ALL. EVEN I HAVE TROUBLE WITH IT, IF YOU WOULD BELIEVE!"

Chara lifted their head a bit, glancing at his face miserably as realization began to work away in their brain. He was trying to cover for them... Chara tensed against him...

"Papyrus..." Chara whispered... They still felt lightheaded and dizzy and nauseous and the red eyes still stung. The air around them was growing warm and thick and they were approaching the bridge and Sans' station. Papyrus slowed down at the sound of his name and they felt more than saw him turn his head. "Put me down..." Papyrus stopped abruptly in front of Sans' station and they were tense in anticipation. "Put me down." Papyrus let them slide off, and once their feet were on solid ground they took in a deep breath. But he was still hovering over them, too closely. They stood in silence, collecting themself and trying to avoid his gaze, not knowing what to do now.

"SHE JUST WASN'T READY." Papyrus said again. Chara lifted their hands to their face, the red eyes squeezing shut as they struggled to breathe normally. Trying not to throw up though that threat seemed to be fading with each second they were on the ground. But everything else was growing worse as Papyrus just. kept. talking. "BUT I AM CERTAIN WE CAN WIN HER OVER WITH TIME! AS LONG AS WE KEEP TRYING! I'M CERTAIN-"

"Shut up.." Chara managed to breathe.

"I AM CERTAIN THAT YOU TWO CAN-"

**"Shut! Up!"** Chara yelled, lowering their hands and lifting their head even as the eyes remained shut for a moment longer. Papyrus was silenced and Chara exhaled as they re-lowered their face and the eyes opened.

"I can't... I can't do this. I can't do any of this. She's right. All of this is no good. I'm no good. I can't-"

"HUMAN!" Papyrus was bending down and they could feel Frisk rising up within the Soul-

**"Don't Touch Me!"** The two recoiled, and they could feel Frisk's stark shock and hurt. "I know you two don't believe that. I know you two think that if I just try I can do it, and I.. I don't know why. Because I... I either don't want to try and hate every second of it and everyone around me, or I..." They forced themself to look up at Papyrus finally as he knelt down across from them. "I try and that's when it all goes worse." The tears were building up and Chara bit down. They didn't want that, they couldn't, they didn't- Chara was anxious on their feet, rocking a bit on their heels as they tried to keep themself together. "The worse person can't just change. Even if they try. It's all still a lie! Even if they say 'sorry' a hundred times!" The tears were streaming down their face but Chara tried to pretend that they were Frisk's. Some of them were, they knew, and Chara tried so hard to just- Their hand pressed against their forehead, trying to us the pressure as if it could make the tears stop. "This is no good." They managed weakly. "I'm no good. Even when I try- There's no point." They glanced back up at Papyrus...

And the utter look of despair on his face...

.

And Sans knew exactly which one they meant.

.

" **Don't** -" Chara could only tense up as his inescapable arms lifted- "Don't touch-" Chara tried to push back in vain. It was Frisk all over again, his grip was too strong and determined. Chara was press on both sides as Frisk joined him, invading the Soul with warmth and Chara felt... so crowded, so caught up. Papyrus supported the back of their head as Chara tried so hard to swallow the tears, the hurt in their throat, chest, and ears as they held their breath. They were just trying so hard- But it was nothing. They felt like a small, worthless child- They just had to hold it all together. They had to-

"I DON'T KNOW... WHO MADE YOU FEEL THIS WAY, OR WHY." Papyrus began, his own voice cracking. The red eyes squeezed shut again as they tried to at least remain rigid in place, any sort of shield. "BUT I KNOW THAT IT CANNOT BE TRUE. FOR EVEN WHEN YOU SEEM ANGRY, YOU KEEP ON GOING, AND I KNOW, IT CANNOT ALL BE A LIE AS YOU SUGGEST. FOR IF IT WERE, YOU WOULD NOT BE FIGHTING SO HARD TO NOT CRY AT EVERY MOMENT... THOUGH, THAT TOO, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND." He squeezed them. "MY FRIEND... YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CRY!"

.

"That just means you care..."

.

But...

"You both don't understand." Chara whispered, managing it this time, and they felt Frisk shift, trying to squeeze Chara tighter as well. It only pushed the tears closer to the edge in greater abundance. "It's when I care that people get h-hurt! It's when I t-try to n-not disappoint anyone, that... that I disappoint everyone!"

_"You're going to be free."_

Everything was unraveling, but Chara clamped shut, trying so hard to stop crying, to stop it all from spilling out. All of it. So much of it. Can't let it all- But what was the point? If all of this was pointless what was the purpose of keeping it all guarded to begin with? To pretend that Chara had any sort of control, that they could determine any-

"I. just. wanted-" They were hyperventilating now.

It hurt. It hurt so much... They couldn't escape. They couldn't fight...

It hurt like when Frisk had crashed into them and held on at Home. Hurt like when Chara had admitted the truth about what they would have done Frisk had tried to get them to play along the first time, to be in the Soul... But this...

If they let this one out, there was no going back to the way things used to be.

To be opened, to be exposed, to have what you truly felt out in the open...

That was terrifying.

Just like back then, seeing Asgore smile at them even when he was lying in his bed, sick beyond belief because of what _they'd_ done...

That terrifyingly, open acceptance even when knowing-

Asriel, Asgore, Toriel, Frisk...

There was a reason that they hadn't let Frisk know they were there and it had never had anything to do with being afraid Frisk would abuse them, not after that first death at Home..

No...

You couldn't disappoint people if they didn't care about you, if they didn't expect things from you.

You just can't mess it up when there was nobody to disappoint.

But they've disappointed everybody anyways.

They couldn't even do a simple, stupid timeline... Couldn't even follow the script, Frisk's lead. Can't just walk and not ruin anything else. Without getting angry or over their head. Can't just breathe without ruining anything- but apparently... to stop breathing hadn't been the right answer either!

There was no right- no right-

They'd just-

"I'd just want my brother to-" Their voice was tight and high pitched and finally... Chara couldn't stop the sobs. "I w-a-ant-ed my b-brother-!"They burred their face in Papyrus' scarf, they could smell the dust- They couldn't stop thinking about it. About how they had finally cared about someone, about how they had finally found something good even if they didn't deserve it, didn't belong to them... And they had wanted- "It's no good, I'm no good-!"

Frisk was silent, crying and making Chara's crying worse as they hugged them furiously. But they couldn't say anything, there was nothing to say...

Because Frisk had wanted all those things too and had nothing to comfort Chara with, as their voice abandoned them-

"I'm a terrible friend! She's right-! I'm a coward and a terrible friend-!"

"YOU ARE NOT!" Papyrus exclaimed. Chara was silent for a moment, succumbed to their tears and despair. Papyrus pulled them away, his expression stern even as it was obvious he had been crying, and Chara couldn't help but feel guilty about that now too. "YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE FRIEND! NOR ARE YOU A COWARD!"

"I-"

"YOU! ARE! NOT!"

Chara was surprised by his tone, their breath shuttering as they tried to listen, to focus their eyes through the blurr.

"YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE FRIEND. YOU ARE NOT A COWARD. AND THE ONLY THING I AM DISAPPOINTED IN IS... THAT I HAVE LET YOU FEEL THIS WAY WHEN IT IS I WHO HAVE BEEN VERY MUCH THOSE THINGS." Chara blinked again, not understanding, but Papyrus was releasing their shoulders and standing up, he could no longer look at them but focused on Sans' empty station. "IT IS I WHO HAVE BEEN A TERRIBLE FRIEND. I LET YOU GET HURT IN BATTLES AND REFUSED TO FACE MY OWN FEELINGS REGARDING YOU. I WAS MORE CONCERNED WITH MY DISTANT DREAM THAN IN THE REAL FRIEND RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME."

Frisk. Chara.

They could feel Frisk listening intently and Chara couldn't help but think of their own failure in that... That they had been so caught up in Asriel, in their failure that they hadn't noticed how much they didn't really want to hurt Frisk either... But still, even with that, that just proved he was wrong yet again about them... They were those things... But then again...

"You're not a b-bad friend for that..." Chara told him, slowly gaining control of themself even if their voice still faltered. "I-It was your job-"

"BUT IT WAS STILL WRONG, AND I COULD SEE YOU WERE HURTING EVEN THOUGH I KNEW YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO. AND I LET YOU KEEP HURTING. I LET YOU KEEP PUSHING YOURSELF." Chara swallowed, sick again in their stomach as they felt Frisk stir guiltily as well. "AND THEN I TOO PUSHED YOU TO DO THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO, JUST BECAUSE I WAS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR YOU MYSELF. IT WAS WRONG OF ME, AND I AM SORRY. I HAVE FAILED AS YOUR FRIEND! JUST LIKE I HAVE FAILED AS A BROTHER!"

"Wha-?" The sound blurted out of them and they glanced at the station, to the empty seat just as Papyrus was lifting a gloved hand to rest against it. The anger was rising up in Chara's chest, the red eyes blazing. "If anyone has failed as brother it was him!" Chara snapped. Papyrus turned his face back towards them in surprise. "He-!" Chara looked down at the ground, away from his gaze. They couldn't say it... They couldn't admit to him what had happened in a timeline that went bad. "He-!" Nor could they bring up Frisk and how he had failed to reach out there too, they couldn't... Chara... Chara slacked their muscles, breathing out deeply. "He's just so lazy." They finished weakly.

"NYEH HEH. THIS IS TRUE, BUT..." Chara forced themself to look up again, as Papyrus turned his gaze back towards the empty station. "MY BROTHER IS A LAZYBONES, AND YET HE WORKS AT MANY DIFFERENT PLACES AND MANY TIMES I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE THE MONEY WE HAVE COMES FROM. HE ALWAYS SUPPORTS ME TO TRY AND HELP ME ACHIEVE MY DREAM AND WHAT HAVE I DONE IN RETURN?"

_"all i need is papyrus..."_

"You're everything to him." Chara answered, knowing it was true, knowing it made the genocide timeline all that much worse.

"BUT WHAT DO I ACTUALLY DO TO HELP HIM? HOW CAN SOMEBODY FUNCTION LIKE THAT? TO BE SO RUN DOWN AND YET KEEP GOING? AND IT IS THE SAME WITH YOU BUT DIFFERENT AND YET NOT. MY BROTHER, IT IS NOT SO MUCH THAT HE IS LAZY, JUST LAID BACK... AND SOMETHING ELSE HE HAS NOT TOLD ME." Chara could feel the guilt eating Frisk up inside as they continued to hug Chara. And Chara knew it would only get worse... "FOR SO LONG I HAVE GIVEN HIM SPACE AND YET BEEN OPEN AND ENCOURAGING, BUT PERHAPS JUST LIKE WITH YOU IT WAS A MISTAKE." Papyrus was turning back towards them, offering them a sad smile. "SEE? EVEN THE GREAT PAPYRUS MAKES MISTAKES. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A HORRIBLE PERSON BECAUSE OF IT."

Chara was staring at the station, imagining Sans and his stupid, fake grin bearing down on them. Chara couldn't help but frown, even if it was mostly in confusion.

"YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP TRYING AND DO BETTER." Papyrus promised as he bent back down. Chara didn't fight this time as his arms pulled them into the hug, though they did not hug him back.

"But I am horrible.." They whispered, though they already knew he would never believe that. He hadn't even back then.

"EVEN IF YOU WERE, ALL OF THAT STILL STANDS. AS LONG AS YOU KEEP TRYING, YOU CAN DO BETTER, EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK SO... AND THIS TIME, I WILL ALSO BE DOING BETTER. THIS TIME I WILL BE THERE TO HELP!"

_"Do you... Do you think even the worse person can change? T-That everyone can be a good person, i-if they just try?... H-Here's a b-better question. Are those around them willing to help them?"_

Chara wanted-

_"Yo, w-w-wait! Help! I tripped!"_

Chara was rigid again, their mind turning in its mess, as Papyrus pulled away.

"I want to try Undyne again..." They stated, their breathe still shaking but more certain. Papyrus was immediately beaming and Chara could feel Frisk erupt with joy.

"BUT!" Papyrus stated as he stood up and put his hands on his hips. "IS THAT TRULY WHAT YOU WANT OR ARE YOU PUSHING YOURSELF AGAIN IN A WAY THAT YOU SHOULDN'T?!" Chara couldn't help but smile at his scolding expression. They shook their head. Even if it was only half true.

Because Undyne was everything they weren't...

Everything they had wanted to be...

And yet...

Chara stood in front of the jagged teeth-like door, lifting their shaking hand to knock. Once they had they glanced back over their shoulder towards Papyrus who was now the one watching in the shadows, even as the lights in his eyes danced excitedly.

The door opened and Chara jumped, turning their attention back towards her. Her eye was murderous, her snarl causing Chara to do the same.

"Back again, huh?" She demanded. "Does Papyrus really think I can't be friends with YOU?!" Chara was silent though their heart raced. "Fuhuhu! What a JOKE! You're nothing but a wimpy loser! I'll show him! I'll show both of you! Listen here, human! You're going to get in here and you and I are going to have the GREATEST time and you know WHAT? We're not going to just be friends. We're going to be... BESTIES. I'll make you like me so much... You won't be able to think of anyone else! Fuhuhuh! It's the PERFECT REVENGE!" She seemed to collect herself and she took a step backwards into the house. "Now get in here and LET'S GET TO IT!" She turned and walked towards the kitchen.

Chara glanced back at Papyrus one last time to see him giving them two thumbs up.

"I BELIEVE IN YOU!" He fake whispered across the path. And Chara knew that... That was the problem...

Chara turned away from him and back at the imposing door... Then... They stepped into the mouth of the beast.

.

"... can i help you?" Sans said after a few strange moments of silence. Chara's red eyes were staring right through him, seeming ready for a fight. They sort of... reminded him of a cat now that he thought about it.

"Have you told Papyrus anything?" They asked finally. Sans blinked. The guilt had been there the entire time but now they were dragging it out purposefully. "Have you kept your end of the promise?" Their arms were crossed and now it was their turn to give out scolding expressions. "You told us you would tell when you felt bad and I know you haven't."

"well how can you know-"

"Because! You're you! And I saw the way Papyrus looked at you yesterday in the car!"

"... he was feeling bad about you, kid, not me..."

"I...! You're still you!" They countered and Sans laughed weakly, but he was suddenly realizing that the first person to actually made him promise to tell was Chara and Frisk had just repeated it unthinkingly before slinking back in embarrassment. "You haven't, have you?" Chara finished knowingly.

They were right of course... He hadn't told Papyrus anything. Sans felt caught out, but his eye lights narrowed.

"chara, you haven't told anyone besides me that you're even _here_." He countered. But immediately... Chara's determined expression broke and they looked away, ashamed and something else.

"Somebody else knows." They mumbled.

...

..

"the ruins..." Sans realized after an uncomfortable pause. "you actually told asriel..."

"Shut up..." Chara said, lifting a hand against Frisk's forehead and refused to look up at him. There was another moment of silence. "I'm just not ready for everyone else yet. We just got here, and it's still all crazy, I just... I can't face... I was going to wait until..."

"when you tried to bring asriel up here." Chara flinched but nodded. "gotta admit, i've been wondering when we would get to that."

"We're not ready. He wasn't ready. There's still so much we have to do, and..." They lifted their head and their eyes were gold. "But this was about you! About Papyrus!" They declared, pointing at him. "You promised!" Frisk cried. Sans had to sigh heavily.

"... your right." He admitted. "it's just..." He gave them a weak smile and shrug. "i'm not as brave as the two of you."

"It did take him two months to even talk to us..." Chara remembered suddenly. Frisk slumped against the back of the couch, a bit of a pout on their face.

"You promised." They said again.

"yeah... i promised." He sighed again. "i'll get there..." There was another round of tense silence.

"You're not..." Sans looked up to see Chara had returned to the higher level of control. "You're not a failure of a brother." They looked extremely guilty. "None of what I accused you of was your fault. A-And... He's going to be really proud of you too." Sans chuckled, but it was mostly empty noise. "But he will be.." Chara said again, their expression saddened and they almost looked like Frisk... But he was laughing because it was just sort of funny... Looking at them, them telling him that and he knew they were right. Papyrus would be proud of all the stuff he had gone through and yet had somehow kept going.

But it was funny because that was the problem.

" _You're just a bit too much like Frisk."_ Chara had told him.

But the truth was... He was actually a bit too much like Chara.

Dear glory, no wonder they had hated him.

You always hated looking at yourself in other people.


	27. Affording To Make Mistakes

"Why don't you have a seat?" Undyne said as she turned towards them, holding her hands together and perhaps that alone kept her from reaching out and strangling them like the murderous thoughts underneath that cheerful tone wanted to.

And it had to be acknowledged.... There had been an ulterior motive in Chara agreeing to go back to Undyne's. A different line of thought that they kept guarded. Something still cooking on low heat in the pit of Frisk's stomach even as they stood uneasily. As they kept their gaze cast downwards so that it wouldn't rise up and strike and ruin everything. At least too soon... It was inevitable after all, right? And a part of Chara, the part trying to piece together everything... They sort of wanted it to fall apart. Or perhaps it was that they thought that they needed it to. And that was the scariest thing of all.

The scariest, most honest thing.

For now, there was only one current choice: to sit down and progress, to just go through the motions, for now... until they had their chance to... Chara wasn't sure what. But something. It was there deep in their chest, wrapped up warmly with their anger. But for right then it was best to go along with the script. Frisk had done this before without so much of a single word. Chara could do this too, as long as they let Undyne have her say. It would give Chara some time to figure it out, why they had come here. What it was they needed to achieve...

"Comfortable?" Undyne asked as they settled in. "I'll give you something to drink." Chara didn't look up but they could hear her setting up their options. "All set, what would you like?"

"Tea." Chara said without so much as a glance nor movement to stand, sparing the table Undyne's wrath but not their own fierce gaze.

"... Tea, huh? Coming right up!" Chara's fingernails were digging into their knees. Frisk was still lingering in the back, not daring to press but Chara could tell that Frisk seemed hesitant to be relieved like they had been earlier. "It'll take a moment for the water to boil." And Chara sat there, as Frisk began to understand that Chara was still simmering about something even if they wouldn't let slip what. "Okay! It's all done!"

Chara watched blue hands slid into their vision from the side, a teacup across the whole, even table. Undyne was taking her usual position as Chara forced their head up.

"Careful, it's hot." Undyne warned, and Chara took the cup between their fingers, it burning uncomfortably as they lifted it to their lips, not giving Undyne the chance to yell at them before taking a sip... maybe too much of a sip... as Frisk tried desperately to make the atmosphere more cheerful.

*It's burning... but other than that, it's pretty good!

"It's pretty good, right?"

Chara glanced up at the smiling warrior.

The first time they had been here, Frisk had been nothing but a bundle of nerves, even with the way they had felt picked up by Papyrus' bizarre antics and belief. But they had still felt on the edge of falling apart, especially after Undyne had cracked the table in two. And Chara... Chara felt almost helpless in how to help, except by making mundane comments. Except by making it all feel normal. That was all that was. A small comment. But then Undyne had echoed it back.

And Frisk had giggled. _Giggled_.

Frisk, being scared beyond their wits had giggled, stuck with this woman who only wanted to kill them and who at the time they hadn't really seen any other way. And they had giggled like an idiot. Chara had smiled...

_We're going to die_ , Chara had thought to themself. But in the end... To Chara's pleasant surprise... They hadn't.

Chara wanted to smile right then, too, just for Frisk's sake, but they couldn't bring themself too. Instead they took yet another sip, averting their eyes downward against as the hot liquid set them aflame inside... The pain definitely the cause of the tears in the back of their eyes. Definitely.

_"YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CRY."_

Chara took yet another sip but then placed the cup downwards as Undyne declared: "Nothing but the best for my ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS FRIEND!"

...Silence.

Chara flicked the handle of the teacup absently, waiting for Undyne to pick the conversation back up.

"Hey." She said right on cue. "You know... it's kind of strange you chose THAT tea. Especially since, you know, you didn't even LOOK at your options before hand." Undyne seemed to bite. Chara half shrugged, or at least, hunched their shoulders and pulled the handle of the teacup back towards them before they flicked it again. "Golden flower tea..."

That wasn't their actual name, it was just what Chara always called them and now a whole civilization went along with it...

Golden flowers. Dandelions. Buttercups... misleadingly similar in colour.

"That's Asgore's favorite kind. Actually, now that I think about it... You kind of remind me of him. You're both TOTAL weenies!"

Chara gave another, stronger flick of the teacup handle, this one sent pain through their fingernail. The thing in their chest was stirring and Chara bite down.

"... sort of."

Maybe not at all, Chara decided.

Chara... Chara didn't... **didn't want to think about all of this**.

...

..

"Y'know, I was a pretty hotheaded kid." Chara rested their cheek against their other hand and pressed tightly, trying, the memories being pushed away, squashed. This was bad. She hadn't even gotten to the gist of it all yet... "Once to prove I was the strongest, I tried to fight Asgore. Emphasis on TRIED."

Tired and failed...

"I couldn't land a single blow on him! And worse, the whole time, he refused to fight back!"

ME/R/CY

Him destroying Frisk's MERCY.

Him just _standing_ there... Taking it.

Chara was... glad they didn't have to face that one. That Frisk had already done that for them, but even so they still had to- Chara closed their eyes tightly, needing to think about the now, the present, and ignore all that in the future. In the past. They had to focus on the script, the now, but that too was proving to be-

"I was so humiliated... Afterwards, he apologized and said something goofy... 'Excuse me, do you want to know how to beat me?' I said yes, and from then on, he trained me. One day, during practice, I finally knocked him down. I felt... bad. But he was beaming."

Smiling at them, laying in his bed, even as his stomach tried to kill him. His warm, accepting smile... Toriel had been furious, Asriel so scared, and Chara... Chara had laughed, pretending they weren't. But Asgore, the actual victim.., had just smiled at them as they stood hiding in the darkness. He'd been... been so sure... So sure they hadn't meant it. So sure- And Chara-

ME/R/CY

And Chara had fled, hiding, curled up in the darkness. Wondering... How could they have been so stupid? And how could he just forgive them like that? How could they all...? Chara hadn't deserved to be there. How could any of them mean it? How could this be real?

ME/R/CY

"I had never seen someone more proud to get their butt kicked."

_"You have the same feeling of hope in your eyes."_

"Anyways, long story short, he kept training me... And now I'm the head of the Royal Guard! So now I'm the one who gets to train dorks to fight! ... like, uh, Papyrus. But, um, to be honest... I don't know if... I can ever let Papyrus into the Royal Guard. Don't tell him I said that! He's just... Well... I mean, it's not that he's weak. He's actually pretty freaking tough! It's just that... He's... He's too innocent and nice! I mean, look, he was SUPPOSED to capture you... And he ended up being FRIENDS with you instead! I could NEVER send him into battle! He'd get ripped into little smiling shreds."

Chara cringed, their entire body rigid in place. Papyrus... His eyes looking up at them from his skull's position on the ground, so scared and yet... scared for him? Them or the others in the Underground?...

Them... Them, he had been scared for them. The one who had killed him and who he hadn't even known could take it back-

_"YOU CAN DO A BIT BETTER! EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK SO."_

Chara was getting swept up in their thoughts, still thinking about him outside hiding in the shadows, still thinking about him... His foolish belief, but they couldn't deny it being real. That was the problem. The problem- That was why they couldn't accept it either. He meant it. Would always mean it. Foolish, not making sense in perfectly Papyrus and Frisk ways.

Asgore... Seeing through them...

All those smiles from idiots who just couldn't-!

ME/R/CY

"That's part of why... I started teaching him how to cook, you know?"

...

..

**"OR AT LEAST YOU WOULD IF YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION!"**

Chara jumped out of their skin as Undyne slammed her fists into the table, causing the tea to rise out of the teacup as the teacup itself rose a good few inches into the air. The table seemed to cower downward, afraid it might break anyways even without the spear. Chara's heart was racing, their skin tingling as it tried to settle back into place, as they tried to regain themself.

"If we're going to do this, you could at least pay a bit of ATTENTION! Or at least PRETEND to!" Undyne raged. Chara was frozen in place, their eyes glued to her piercing expression.

Papyrus. Frisk. Asgore. They were, or had been, idiots. Letting Chara keep going. Believing in them... Trying to help them stay determined. Offering Mercy-

ME/R/CY

But Undyne...

From the very beginning, she had always gotten it right, except...

The something simmering, hot in their chest, it was rising up past their shock at her outrage. It was unraveling and rising up in their cheeks, filling them out with their anger.

Because Undyne... She was everything they weren't. Brave, heroic... She was everything they weren't. Everything they had once tried to be. And then she was the one, the one who had gotten it. Gotten them! In their quest to end it all, she had been the first to see through it. To see their true end. And she had risen up. The true hero. She was... She was everything. And yet-!

"How?" Undyne frowned but Chara was leaning forward, beginning to rise up in their seat as the anger rose in their voice. "How could you?!" Chara demanded. Undyne was snarling, her eye showing her true disgust and intent on meeting any challenge they threw.

*C-

Chara slammed their own hands forcefully against the poor tabletop.

"How could **_you_** let MK fall?!"

How could she?! Who was everything they weren't!

"You were supposed to help! You were-!" They saw her face fall in surprise, and Chara faltered at the sight of that unangry expression... Without her own anger, theirs had nothing to contend with, no- "You..." Undyne had been supposed to prove them right, is what they wanted to say. She had been supposed to prove everything they thought about themself. That they were the worse, that they could never do anything good... to prove Papyrus and Frisk wrong, but in the end... "You're the hero!" Chara shouted. The hero to their villain! "How could you let anyone fall?!"

And that! That wasn't even all of it, now that they were thinking about it. This woman! She never hurt an innocent, MK said, but... but she! Frisk was innocent! Granted, human, but a human kid! Child! And yet... And yet...! All these things... But...

Why wasn't she answering?! She had to answer! Something! Anything!

Chara was finding it difficult to... breathe. To breathe because... because... No. No, they didn't... They didn't need Undyne to answer. They knew the answer, didn't they? All of that. All of it. It was still their fault-

ME/R/CY

It was as if... Chara had contaminated everything... by coming here. Asgore's forgiving smile. Mercy and love itself... They ruined everything good eventually. But Undyne... she was... She was what Chara wasn't. She was supposed to be...!

There were tears running down Chara's cheeks and they gritted their teeth together as they lifted their sleeves and tried to get rid of them. Eventually they sank back down into their chair, wiping at their face more furiously even as the tears began to disappear because they were still sniffling and they hated it. Especially since besides that, there was now silence... Even in the back of their mind where Frisk was coiled. Chara wanted to coil too, to lift their feet up on the chair and hide away against Frisk's knees, but they were sure Undyne wouldn't let them... Maybe that's why they suddenly gave in to themself, wanting to spur her into answering. Chara lifted their legs and wrapped their arms around their knees before lowering their head.

"Just kill me and get it over with..." They mumbled. Chara knew they'd ruined this hangout... The Fight was inevitable now.

"I'm not going to kill you for getting angry." Undyne said finally, her voice leaning towards annoyance, but it faded... "But I..." Chara lifted their head again, staring directly at her as she grimaced. "I was scared." Chara froze, their eyes wide as their breathing stopped. "I was certain you would attack me if I got too close."

"S-So?"

"Well YOU didn't exactly go help either!" Undyne snapped. "What can I say? I'm not PERFECT, alright?!"

" _SEE? EVEN THE GREAT PAPYRUS MAKES MISTAKES. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A HORRIBLE PERSON BECAUSE OF IT."_

"I was scared and messed up! But its over now and can't change it! Just learn and move forward from it!"

"I..." Chara's insides were still twisting, their mind trying its hardest to make sense of anything. "How could you be scared?" Chara didn't understand. Undnye had called them the coward-

"Everyone gets scared." Undyne argued heatedly. "If they didn't there wouldn't be any fighting!" Chara blinked... There was silence as Chara's mind was blank and Undyne huffed as she crossed her arms...

People fought because they were scared...?

Their mind was flicking through everything, trying to find examples to disprove this. Many fought because they were brave, but...

That had never been true for them. Only what they wanted others to think about them. And Frisk fought because they were brave sometimes, but mostly, underneath that... it was because... they were afraid to lose something.

And Undyne... She was the strongest, but she was scared? They tried to summon the image of her in her nobelest form, but they realized, that, yes... She'd been scared that timeline too. Even more so. She'd been the one to get it afterall, Chara's plan. And she had been scared to fail. Terrified. Like... Frisk in that hallway... Terrified not to stop Chara. Having things to protect and something to protect against.

"What?" Undyne pressed dangerously as Chara stared at her with a mixed expression for too long. Undyne sighed loudly as Chara still didn't respond. She looked disapprovingly at her now cold tea, and something different rose up, physical and cold in Chara's chest and into their throat.

"Sorry." Chara choked. The tears trying to return. Damn! Chara looked back down, swallowing, trying to ignore how Frisk was pressed so close and listening. Frisk who had a spark of hope, Sans' words bouncing between the two of them and Chara hating it entirely.

"Look." Undyne began, abandoning her teacup with an exasperated clink. "I get it. You didn't go help MK either and I can't blame you for that. I'm pretty scary and wanted to kill so... Like I said, let's just forget about it. It was a mistake and I was wrong to use it against you in our fight." Chara blinked, not satisfied as they tensed, hating themself for not being able to reign it all in again so easily. "Though..." Undyne's voice softened a bit... "If you really do feel bad about it, I'm not the one you should be apologizing too... In fact... Like you said, I should be apologizing too."

There was another round of silence as Chara swallowed down again, and Undyne seemed ready to wait with an odd dose of patience.

"I wasn't... scared of _you_." Undyne frowned, the confusion on her face. Chara looked back down, lowering their legs and wrapping their hands around their teacup, their knuckles going white. "You don't want me for a bestie..." Chara admitted finally as they didn't dare look at her but at their unfinished tea. "I always mess it up. I let all my friends fall... Get h-hurt." Undyne seemed to hesitate, stopped midthought, as another thought got through.

"Hey now, you didn't leave me out to dry at least." Undyne countered... which didn't help at all. That... was Frisk. A part of the script. Chara looked down farther, towards their knees.

"I'm the enemy of everyone's hopes and dreams but I didn't mean to be... Not at first, not now! But... You're right about me..."

"NU UH!" Undyne immediately sprung and Chara looked up in surprise. "You aren't ALLOWED to tear yourself down like that!" She said firmly, pointing at them. "Only I'm allowed, got it?!"

"You said I'm a coward-"

"NOPE."

*Chara, you're not- please just listen to some-

"I'm a coward! I'm not a hero at all! I'm just a-"

"DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"

"I'M A COWARD AND A DEMON!" Chara yelled back, sitting up in their chair to meet Undyne's similar position across from them.

*CHARA!

"OH YEAH?!"

"YEAH!"

"Well COWARDS! Don't! Say! SORRY!" Chara froze, their legs shaking even though they weren't sure when they had actually stood up. Probably when Undyne had. When Frisk had yelled their name.

"That... That wasn't my idea." Chara said, their voice cracking.

"So? Still did it! You came in here and said it! SO THERE!" Undyne had a triumphant expression but a gleam in her eye that said she was still ready to fight.

"It was..." Chara was almost at a loss for words, their body feeling light and everything shakey. "It was just one time... And it.. It doesn't mean anything, you can't make up for the bad that you did."

"Nope." Undyne said, putting her hands on her hips. "It does matter or else you wouldn't have said it!" Chara was blinking back more tears. "And one time can turn into two times, and then lead into three." Chara shook their head- "Did you hear ANYTHING I said about Asgore in all your sulky BROODING?" Chara frowned but nodded. What did this have to do with anything- "Well. Just in case your LYING to me, which I hope you AREN'T, but.. remember..." Undyne was sitting back down in her seat, lifting a hand with her palm upwards, as if to invoke their own memory and for them to sit down. "I didn't hit Asgore once all that time... I could only get it by practicing." She lowered her hand against the table and Chara sat down, their head lowered gravely. "Mistakes are things you learn from. You just have to keep trying to do better."

Do better...

Chara sat up a bit.

"Papyrus.. always says the same thing."

"FUHUHU! And who do you think first told HIM?" Chara looked up in genuine surprise, Undyne was smiling brightly.

"Definitely not from Sans." Chara managed weakly. Undyne laughted heartily, and Chara could feel Frisk trying not to break in the back.

.

"thanks, guys."

.

"As long as you're willing to face your problems head on..." Chara's stomach flipped, that was usually the exact opposite of what they did... "You can eventually do anything that way. As long as your doing what you think is right with PASSION, you'll usually be alright." The sickness was rising up again.

"No..."

"NO?!" Undyne raged, but Chara could feel Frisk's saddened understanding as Chara went pale.

They's always done that. Doing what they thought. The right thing, the wrong thing.

Eating those flowers... They had turly thought that was the right thing afterall.

It was when they cared that people got hurt... When they followed their heart instead of Frisk's lead...

When they followed... their heart...

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

"My heart isn't something you want me following... It always tells me the wrong thing."

"WELL!" Undyne continued. "Then we just need to train it to think differently too!" Chara frowned.

"I don't think you can train the bad out of somebody."

"THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAN DO!" Undyne said, standing up again, tall. "JUST LIKE YOU CAN BEAT IT OUT OF THEM!" Chara shivered and she smiled awkwardly then. "N-Not that we have to do that with you." She said sweetly. Maybe a bit too sweetly. But then her eye was blazing. "OH MY GOD!" Chara couldn't help but cower. "That punk got out of his training!" She realized. Then.. She was pointing at Chara. "THAT'S IT! We'll cook the bad out of you! And then you won't be able to give me anymore of your SORRY EXCUSES!" She grasped Chara by the back of the collar and Chara gasped as they were lifted up and out of their seat and nearly flung over towards the counter. "We'll do this together! And then we'll all feel BETTER and in the process become good friends because of it! GOT IT?!"

"I-" The vegetables were falling around them and Chara stared uncertainly about all of this. They were so confused as to how all of this had unwound.

*But it always unwinds like this?

Well, not like THIS!

Then again it may have felt like it to Frisk back then, the first time...

"NOTHING has brought Papyrus and I closer than cooking! So I'm sure it'll work!" Undyne assured. Chara grimanced. "Fuhuhu! Afraid?!" Their grimace turned into a frown. "You're about to have your world EXPANDED and a new best friend!"

"I-" Chara tried again, but Undyne was slamming a hand onto the counter.

"THE VEGETABLES!" Undyne ordered, pulling Chara closer. "Envision these as your greatest weaknesses!"

"I-!"

"NOW! Pound them into submission! Unleash all of the crap you feel about yourself into them and then afterwards there will be nothing bad left for you!"

"Wh-What? I don't think-"

"DO IT!"

"This is stupid!" Chara fumed, stomping a foot as they glared at Undyne.

"YOU'RE STUPID!" Undyne snapped. "Now do it!" Chara growled.

"FINE!" Chara turned around, smashing the vegetables mercilessly, getting the mess everywhere as much as they possibly could.

"YEEEAHH! YEEEEESSS!" Undyne called towards the ceiling. "Our hearts are uniting against these unhealthy thoughts!" Undyne stepped in as Chara took a step back, wiping tomato juice off of their cheek. Or least trying too. It only smeared.

"Now it's MY turn!" She immediately punched forward against the rest of the vegetables that were in one piece. "NNGAAH!" Chara's work in cleaning their face was completely futile as their faces were entirely covered. "Uhh, we'll just scrape this into a bowl later." Undyne said, trying to smile cheerfully. Her eye opened and she still smiled down at them. "But see?! We've met all those pesky doubts and OBLITERATED them! Feel any better?"

"No!" Chara cried adamantly, but in truth... all three of them couldn't take that declaration seriously with the smile stirring on their face.

"PERFECT! And now!" Undyne kicked the ground forcefully once more. "... we add the noodles!"

"What are these supposed to be?" Chara (pretended?) to pout.

"Hmmmm. OUR HOPES AND DREAMS!" She finally decided. Chara wasn't so certain as they eyed the pot and box. "Now, homemade noodles are the best... BUT I JUST BUY STORE-BRAND! THEY'RE THE CHEAPEST! NGGGAAAAHHHH! Though- Uhh, I guess if these are supposed to be hopes and dreams, just up... forget that part. Anyways! Just, uh, put them in the pot." Chara sighed and grabbed the bow, dumping the noodles in fiercely. But then... Chara smiled mischieviously.

*(You throw everyting into the pot as hard as you can, including the-

*the box?

*Wait, Chara-

**_Got a problem with my cooking, Frisk?!_ **

*I-

Chara could feel Frisk laughing softly. No, they didn't have any problems with it.

"YEAH! I'M INTO IT!" Undyne shouted. "Alright! Now it's time to stir the pasta!" Chara was handed a spook and stepped closer to the stove. "As a general rule of thumn, the more you stir... THE BETTER IT IS! Just like your hopes and dreams! The more you work at it, the better it should turn out in the end!"

Chara falterd, a sick sensation in their stomach.

_*But we can't.._

"Ready?" Undyne asked and the answer was suddenly no, but she wasn't waiting for an actual answer. "Let's do it!" Chara set to stirring. "Stir harder!" Undyne ordered but Chara... "HARDER!" Chara huffed and oblidged her, frowning seriously. "HARDER! Ugh, let me do it!" Chara barely had time to step back, spoon still in hand as the spear all but obliterated the poor pot. "Fuhuhuhu! That's the stuff!" She was beaming at Chara. "Alright, now for the final step: TURN UP THE HEAT! Let the stovetop symbolize your passion! Let your hopes and dreams turning into a burning fire!"

_"so as long as you do what's in your heart..."_

"READY? Don't hold anything back!"

Chara held their breath, turning the stovetop on and the fire beginning to flick away at the bottom of the pot-

"HOTTER!" Chara listened, but it was never hot enough for Undyne. She did everything in her heart at all times and her heart was a raging furnace. "HOTTER! DARNIT! HOTTTTEERRR!" Chara- Chara began to turn the nob back left. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING-?! Ugh! Undyne reached out. "Let me do it!" As soon as Undyne's hand was on top of Chara's, Chara swung the spoon down hard, smacking her hand forcefully. "H-HEY!"

"You're going to ruin it-" Chara said, their voice cracking. They were... They were terrified at what they had just done. Hit Undyne! Undyne was glowering at them, but it seemed to lighten as she actually looked at their face. "Y-You're going to destroy it..." Chara tried but failed to say more evenly. Chara could see the thoughts turning in Undyne's head, they could see it on her face. "Y-You can't..."

_*But we can't.._

"You're gonna destroy the very thing you want to make!" Chara cried, trying to get her to understand, their grip on the spoon making their knuckles light.

But they hadn't been paying attention, neither of them had been paying attention... The fire was already catching. There was a flash, a bright spark as the wall behind the oven caught flames and it quickly erupted around them and Chara cried out as Undyne pushed them back safely.

"Ah damn-" Undyne fumed. Chara's eyes were wide as the fire licked up the wall and towards the ceiling. It wasn't as immediate or intense as usual, but still... There was no way to stop it. None- Undyne laughed weakly. "I guess you were right. Man, no wonder Papyrus sucks at cooking." She looked over her shoulder apologetically, as if the wall in front of her wasn't being eatin away by flames and it was perfectly fine that they weren't moving towards the door. Chara began to lose their breath, waiting for the inevitable, for the red Soul to erupt from their chest. "But- Do you at least feel better?" Undyne asked. Chara blinked-

"What?" They breathed, or at least... kinda. It wasn't so much of a breath.

*Were you having fun?

Chara still blinked, not sure what the two were getting at. This was just the script! But... Not quite. The flames tried to jump towards them.

"Ooookay!" Undyne grasped Chara by the arm, and even at a distance Chara felt Frisk jump and Chara rolled their shoulders, getting away from her forcefully. Undyne let go and was frowning again down at them, and Chara knew- Soon she'd be ready for her fight- But her frown didn't seem exactly right, it wasn't so much angry as confused. "Uh- I think we shouldn't stick around here, is all." She told them. She was motioning for the door and Chara blinked again.

"Wh-What?" But Undyne was holding out her hand this time, waiting for them to accept it. Chara could see through her half smile, her uncertainty and awkwardness, the thought that perhaps she was doing this wrong. And also... Chara straightened up in surprise. They saw Papyrus in their memory. Papyrus holding out his hand to them through the shattered window, offering them an escape. Acceptance and an escape.

"Let's just get out of this flamming house, right!?"

*!

And Chara came to the same conclusion as Frisk just a few seconds earlier. Though Chara wasn't sure what to do with it.

*She's not going to Fight you!

Frisk's jow was drowning Chara as they lifted their hand and let Undyne grasp hold of them tightly and begin to drag them towards the door and safety. They passed through the now drooping doorway and Undyne released them as she turned back towards her house, placing her hands on her hips.

"Ah man..." She mumbled again. "Well... That was fun, right?" Undyne asked turning back towards Chara. "We'll have to hang out again another time...! I- Uh..." Undyne sighed as she dropped her head, and Chara knew, felt for sure, now the Soul would be out. Frisk and Chara had been wrong- "Man I messed this up, didn't I?" Undyne lifted her head and looked sadly back at her burning house, her entire life was in shambles... "Look... I can't force you to like me, human. I guess... I'm sorry. Some people just don't get along with each other. I'm too pushy. But... I had fun anyways. Even with all the weird... confrontations? We had. But I understand if we can't be friends. But just, hey..." Undyne was smiling for them again and Chara felt their stomach flip. She really wasn't going to- "Just know Papyrus was right. You aren't so bad. In fact! You're pretty alright, you know that, punk? I wouldn't mind being your friend, you know?" Chara felt stuck in place-

*You want to say something.

Chara swallowed, Frisk was right, but they didn't know what to... say.

"You're not going to Fight m-me?" Chara asked. Undyne laughed.

"Fuhuhuhu! I... Uh... I thought about it for like, two seconds." She admitted. "But um, you've had me thinking, and... I think in the end that'd just be a mistake. I don't... really want to hurt you. Kind of the opposite, really."

"Your house. Our fights. Your pride." Chara stumbled. Undyne snarled.

"Gonna rub it in?" Chara mentally stepped back and shook their head.

"I just don't understand." They admitted.

ME/R/CY

"I don't deserve Mercy-"

"COURSE YOU DO! Look, to be honest. In the beginning I hated your stupid saccharine schtick. It looked so FAKE. Like you were trying to make up for something bad." Chara's face was flushing red. That was... exactly it though. What they'd done to Frisk. Everyone. To just follow the script. "But... uh... the way you've been talking. What happened on that bridge with MK... I think I kind of get it now. Even if it is.. trying to make up for something, that means something. It isn't fake. It means you're trying. You want to do what's right, even if it seems hard for you. So! I... I want to be your friend. I really do. I want to help you, is what I'm saying."

Chara was staring, their eyes wide in surprise...

Everything she was saying...!

.

"it's what papyrus said..."

.

But how could Chara deny it?

She was everything... She knew... Chara was shaking.

"I want to be friends too." Chara admitted. "B-But what I said.. earlier... it's true. I let..."

"I think I can handle ANYTHING being friends with YOU can dish out!" Undyne declared. A smile twitched at the sides of Frisk's lips. Undyne caught it... and her own smile erupted on her face, her eye blazing. "SEE?" And rough hand came down on Chara's head and ruffled through their hair. "Who said we couldn't make friends?!" She demanded. Chara breathed a laugh as they lifted their hands over hers, a stunned expression still on their face as their gaze remained unfocused. Undyne laughe loudly in response. "Get used to it, pipsqueak!" She ordered. "You're going to get a lot more of it! Now that you're also my trainee! AND DON'T EXPECT ANY SPECIAL TREATMENT JUST BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS!"

No. Chara expected the exact opposite of it really.

But...

There was a warmth within them, different than their usual anger, a real joy...

She knew but was their friend. Actually their friend.

*See?

*I told you!

*To do it your way!

That's all they'd wanted.

Chara didn't understand a thing. Not a single, damn thing. But for the moment... The warmth was there and real and they let themself ignore the rest of their doubts... for just a moment. Only a moment.

There was a small smile on their face that they couldn't quite crush fully and for the first time that timeline they did feel like... they could be alright.

At least for the moment.

Until...

"... Listen, human. There's something I kind of... want to talk about still."

The warmth in Chara was suddenly seeping cold and there was something hard in their stomach.

"Asgore."

Undyne sighed.

"Yeah. Asgore. It seems that you are fated to Fight. But knowing him... He probably doesn't want to." Undyne was looking down at Chara again. "And I can tell you don't want to either. Talk to him. I'm sure you can persuade him to let you go home. Eventually-" She cut herself off, thinking it through once more.

_"Eventually, some mean human will fall down here..."_

"Well... Eventually we'll get out of here. One way or another. Just don't worry about it. Okay?" She was offering another bright smile. "You just worry about getting on home, okay? But, oh, if you DO hurt Asgore-"

"I won't." Chara said firmly. Out of all the things they knew... That one... They would never willingly hurt any of them again. Undyne laughed.

"Yeah. You won't. You've got the best trainers there is."

_She's talking about you_ , Chara poked in the back of their mind and they felt Frisk squirm uncomfortably. Which... Chara didn't fully get. Frisk should have been squirming gleefully.

"But if you DO slack. I'll take the human souls. Cross the barrier. And BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YOU. That's what friends are for, right?" Chara wasn't sure how to respond anymore, not with the way Frisk was acting now, it was distracting. "Now. I guess you better get going, shouldn't you?" Chara looked down at their feet. "What?"

"Can I... ask you one more thing about Asgore?"

"Shoot." Undyne agreed.

"Does he ever talk about... the first human...? With you...?" Chara peeked up and Undyne was staring at them with an expression they weren't sure how to place.

"No." She said finally. Chara looked down again. "Becuase it still hurts him..." Chara was immediately raising their head again. "I mean... those flowers, the golden ones I talked about in the tea... That was the first humans favorite too."

Undyne smiled again almost apologetically.

"Which is kinda why I wanted to get to you first. So you wouldn't hurt anyone... but also so he... THOUGH that is why I think you can get through to him too. It really gets to him, I think."

There was such a softness, an affection in her voice whenever she talked about him... It made Chara's heart ache.

"... He's kind of like your dad, isn't he?" Undyne was blushing. Deeply.

And Chara could only stare at her...

Like a rough, big sister.

.

They trailed off into silence, a somber expression on their face and Sans searched for something to say. Something to good to offer.

Heh. He had a thought.

"though. technically. wouldn't you be older than her?" Chara lifted their head curiously... "didn't you come first?"

Sans could see the realization seeping into their face, their head tilting farther back as the red eyes flashed gold even as they widened.

"OH MY GOD!" They screamed. "I'M UNDYNE'S OLDER SIBLING!" Sans laughed deeply, also proud of himself for getting them worked up again. "Frisk was one thing," Chara continued, "but UNDYNE!"

And suddenly a groan was escaping their lips, clearly Frisk.

"Noo... Don't you understand the amount of power we're offering Chara. They've already ribbed me- FRISK IS THE BABY! I'm not a baby!" Frisk whined after Chara's interrupting outburst.

"You are! You so are!" Chara gilded. "Big baby! Our baby!"

"i don't know, sometimes i'm pretty sure the big baby hear is you. with all your recent blubbering."

"AH RIGHT TAKE THEIR SIDE! OF COURSE!"

"well of course, i gotta... their the baby."

"Saaans!"

"can't let the oldest rib into them."

"It's cuz Sans is a brother." Frisk added.

"Wait. So... If you and Papyrus don't really seem to have any other relatives right?" Chara asked.

"uh-"

"So is Mom, like... your Mom too?"

"uuuh."

"All-" Chara's eyes flashed bright. "Wait!"

"you are NOT my older sibling." Sans read from their face. "what are you? technically? ten?!"

"You're the one who said I'm older!" Chara protested.

"Yeah." Frisk joined.

Of course his own logic would back fire on him, of course. Still!!

"sorry kiddos, if anything, i'm one of the ones who adopted _you_ uuuu- oh"

Oooh. Sans immediately noticed he'd messed up again. The predator in Chara's gaze mixed with the absolute JOY of Frisk. And Sans realized... no. He didn't mess it up.

"yeah. somebody has gotta help tori keep her oldest and youngest in check- heh. that explains it all, doesn't it? the oldest. the problem child. rebelliousness."

Chara was blushing. Or maybe it was Frisk. Or both.

"Actually... Asriel.. is the oldest." Sans raised a brow.

"ah. it makes even more sense. middle child syndrome." But Chara and Frisk weren't radiant anymore. The mention of their brother had cut it short.

"He was just a year and a half older but just an inch or two taller. I always ribbed him. He was such a crybaby..."

And he'd acted like the younger one. Trusting Chara faithfully. Chara was the one who had had so much experience. The _cool_ one...

"Asriel..."

...

..


	28. Affording To Get Your Act Together

So let us review.

The first thing in pretending to not fall apart, if you will remember, is this: acting as if everything is, in fact, alright.

That had been the first lesson given to you in your young life. Not how to tie your shoes. Not how to stand on your own even as you wobbled with your little toddler legs. No. Not how to stand on your own, but that you must always be _able_ to stand on your own.

Perhaps at first it was a lesson given only with a 'just in case' in mind. But somehow you knew that wasn't true. More rightly, 'for the inevitable'. For when you were on your own.

To stand tall. Whole.

When one is on their own, it is never good to have loose seams. One must always look together. Not seeping to the ground, barely able to keep their form.

You had to have your form decided to protect from others forming it for you.

You had once been marvelous at it. A smile. A vicious gleam in your eye. It was the only thing to protect you.

You can remember everything. Everything important. Or at least, everything you had thought important at the time. Therefore, you could remember every harsh detail. Any kindness was lost in the sea of memory because in the end it hadn't mattered. What was one aspect of kindness when overall it had turned out cruel? When _you_ had turned out cruel?

The only memory of genuine kindness that you remember from those days is also your earliest. You only remember it because it is twinged with the cruelty of your first lesson. A kind smile, though sad... Telling you crying solves nothing. You need to stand up again. You need to keep going. Promise me you'll always keep going...

You remember that you had answered in silence. But every time after that, you had at least tried to listen. You had tried to follow her lead and pretend. You had to keep going. You could not fall apart....

You had no choice but to turn out the way you did. When a world seeks to crush any sort of weakness between its fingers, when a world makes it impossible to be yourself in any capacity if you wish to survive....

That was the cruelest part.

Not that the world you were in had crushed your Soul, but that in order to survive it, you had crushed it yourself. That it had made you shed anything of vulnerability. Anything of love, hope, and compassion. Forcing you into what you were. Forcing you to harden.

A child who was never a child. Hard eyes, a defensive flare for violence. Fight or Flight, and unafraid to Fight. Your eternal mistrust of everything has always been astounding. And at last, you had become even harsher than the world around you in order to push back. Or at least pretend to be. So that when the world looked your way, it coward and dared not get closer. It was wise to you to prevent anyone from getting close to begin with. Any potential threat abated.

Let no one get close. Let no one see. Let no one know the lie.

Hide yourself away. Keep the truth of just how afraid you are hidden. Your vulnerable places guarded. Feigning strength you didn't actually have. Anything to protect yourself, to keep those that would take advantage of you at bay, not realizing that in the process you would also be pushing away those that may genuinely wish to help... But the risks outweighed the costs.

For no one could know the truth. Of how close to the edge you were at all times. Nobody could know...

Not even yourself.

You got so good at it.

And after so long... it had become more than just an act. It was the state of your being. Your entire existence a lie, but better than that of your actual reality. Your lie was safe. Your lie was comforting. The truth terrifying. The fear constant. That if anyone ever did see past the lie...

That was why you'd ran.

You do not remember that fully though. Of course you do not. But with hindsight you seem to understand. That since you can not remember what had caused you to flee up the mountain, that perhaps.. it had been an act of kindness. That perhaps a small grace had terrified you, uprooted something hidden, and you had fled.

You remember the alarm in your mind while running. You remember the dizzying sickness in your mind and stomach. The intense fear you could not ignore. The feeling of loss. The crack in your mask had grown in your panic as you had raced upward. And there you had found that fateful cave, just as the sky had grown dark, just as the rain had begun to fall.

You had thought you had found safety, for sure, at least for awhile. Safety in that darkness...

And then you had fallen.

The floor beneath your feet had betrayed you, tripping you up even as you had finally begun to settle back down. For you were not _allowed_ a moment to gather yourself together. You should have known better then that. You would never be able to go back to the way things had been. The mask had cracked and what was broken could never fully be put back together. Your dark safety, guarded loneliness. Cruel but _predictable_. Expected. It was gone.

Because you had fallen. And you had done something you had never done before. You had called out in terror. Something that had surprised you, terrified you even more...

_"Help!"_ Your hand had shot up, your eyes wide, as a light had engulfed you; that of The Barrier as it tugged on your Soul.

Everything had changed then. Everything had ended and restarted as something new. Nothing would be, or could be the same. The game, the universe, had changed.

You should have died. Perhaps you did. In more ways than one.

Or perhaps it would have been better if that was true. It would have been better if in entering this new world, you had let the old you go... But you could not. The old you had mixed with the new world. Because...

You should have died... There was nothing to break your fall... What had saved you...?

(You had not wanted to die.)

(You could not afford to.)

You had hit the ground, and as everything tried to orient itself, coming to terms with _your_ existence, you had turned over onto your stomach, the pain everywhere. Tears in your eyes.

" _H-Help_..." You had whimpered. " _Help... H-Hel-_ "

And for the first time in your life...

"It sounds like it came from over here...Oh!"

Somebody came.

You fell...

Your emotions were exposed, vulnerable. You had to get back up. You had to be in control. You had to renew your act as swiftly as possible. To stand on your own.

But there were warm hands supporting you, and you had almost crumbled. Almost. For just a second.

Your name had escaped your lips, offering a piece of yourself to somebody else, somebody your fuddled mind couldn't fully focus on. You had given your name. And you heard it-

" _Chara? That's a nice name-_ "

Somebody called your name-

"Howdy! Chara!"

The lense cap. The red light. Creepy faces. Smiles.

You had always known how to act.

How to pretend.

But somehow... It all got harder. The mask never completely recovered.

No longer safe. No longer guarded.

Love was dangerous. Caring led to disappointment.

But you could no longer do it all the way you needed to. No longer hide. Your exposure, a nerve shown to all around you. And yet... Never once did they use it against you. Even those who would have initially... grew to love you, too.

And to you it never made sense.

It was everything that you could never accept.

How could they? How could they see and yet accept? And how could you accept that anyone would ever accept _you_? The real you that was to be completely hidden that you just couldn't fully anymore?

How could they love you...?

Love was dangerous.

Love got you and others hurt.

And the hope of being loved...

The only defense: the act, the mask you'd put on, the perfect performance. So that when it inevitably fell through it would be less jarring, less painful. You would be ready.

It was the you of the old world that had fallen into the new. You could not change. Not when you stayed that way, alone even as you were surrounded by the people you were growing to love too. More than your own life. You kept yourself as guarded as possible even as it was impossible to do it fully anymore.

But yes. You knew how to act. How to pretend. How to be ready for when it all fell through...

And then... Just as you predicted... You had messed up.

And what had they done then? When they should have casted you out? When you had laughed?

Your _father_ had smiled.

And you...?

You had fled once again.

You could not understand.

You were something oh so worse than human. You didn't deserve to be there. You didn't deserve any of this. You couldn't- To be there with them, when you were all that they needed to break that awful Barrier.

What you did not understand was that it was no longer a mission in destroying The Barrier ancient, faceless humans had put up. It was a mission in destroying The Barrier seen in you.

But The Barrier seemed unbreakable.

And you could no longer pretend anymore. You could no longer handle this. But you had nowhere to flee. Nowhere to go...

Except...

An idea had struck you.

And everything had unraveled.

With a handful of flowers.

As you pretended, one last time, that you were strong. As you pretended not to be lost or unable to understand.

And it had all fallen apart, crumbling between your fingers, into dust. Everything. And you were in darkness.

Now you were in darkness once again, but this time it was not the darkness of seeming death. It was not the darkness of LV. It was not even the darkness in the back of Frisk's mind. It was physical. It surrounded you within that hallway as your breath had shuttered, as you had shook nervously.

For you could never do anything on your own.

You could never do anything on your own.

But for the first time you thought, perhaps you did not need to.

Because Papyrus... Undyne... Frisk...

They had offered you their hands.

And you stood there shaking, not wanting to see it fully. You needed to not see it. For if you did, you would have to also look back and see that it had always been the case. With your family.

But you were _shaking_...

For the first time you could see The Barrier everyone else had. But this one... you did not want to break. It would be a free fall. It would never be the same.

It already would never be the same...

Frisk knew you were there.

And you knew how determined they were.

Promises had been made and there were even more to come.

You stood in the darkness of that hallway on the brink of a decision. This time, the choice to fall was yours. This time, if you called...

You swallowed, still frozen, your muscles tingling with the image of the cliff before you.

The audience was waiting. A naïve robot, so in love with humanity. A fool. For you were certain that the only human worth anything was Frisk...

And if there was anyone you could open up to...

If there was anyone who... could break The Barrier...

It was the person who had proven you wrong on every level.

The one who had proven to you that one did in fact have a choice...

That when a world set out to crush you, you could push back in a way that kept you true to yourself... Even after you had originally lost it. The one who had shown you it was possible to rise back up.

That despite everything... you could still be you.

That of course love was dangerous, but not in the way you had always thought. That love was determination. In its truest of forms.

And hopefully, one day, they can help you learn how to reclaim yourself as well. The part of you that cares. The part of you that terrifies you. The part of you that _wants_ to understand.

The you that... you wish you could be. And not just for their sake... but for yourself.

You felt dizzy. You felt torn inside, their lungs hurting.

There was nowhere to go but forward. To take a step. You just had to put on the mask. To get it together.

But you could not.

You could not.

But...

"F-Frisk..." You breathed.

Instantly, they were there. Instantly they were around you, eager to help, eager to support. You felt their warmth everywhere around you.

"I... I need your help."

Everything fell, but somehow... it felt as a giant weight had fallen as well, even as a tear traced down your face, in shame. "I.. I know you w-want me to do this. But I.. I c-can't do this Fight... alone."

You could not do anything alone...

And hopefully, one day, Frisk could get it through to you like nobody else had, that that was not a bad thing.

You did not have to stand on your own.

But how could one so easily abandoned the first lesson of their life? To finally accept...!

You do not have to stand on your own.

And standing there in the darkness, you still felt helpless. You could not pretend. There was no use in pretending.

Everybody knew. Everybody could see. There was nothing you could do about it.

And Frisk, they had slid in beside you, taking your hand, feeling nervous but eager to help without so much of a taunt. Not that you expected it. Not from them.

You breathed in more deeply even though you shuttered. You had fallen- No. You were still in place. It was just that Frisk had risen and supported you in place. You no longer had to stand so firmly. You could relax into it... As red eyes turned gold.

"You never have to do anything alone." Frisk had said firmly, almost as if they were certain of it. As if they didn't have any doubts of their own. Determination was all there was. Their need to support more than their own weakness. Their love for you endless.

Eyes were dried, and awkwardly, the two of you took a shaky step forward.

The audience was waiting.

And as the battle began, the two of you continued to take steps together. Working it out as the world spun and cheered.

You danced. Interchanging the lead, not knowing where one Level of LO ended and where one began. The numbers were silly. And you realized, it was not so much of going up and down, like in an elevator. It was like water. Ebbing and flowing into each other like that.

This was different than when the two of you faced Asriel. With Asriel, your hearts were one, your need... And you helped keep their Soul together as you called out together.

This was different.

Who had the feet, the hands?

There was no discussion, just little pushes and letting go, trusting the other to know what they were doing.

Even when you tripped and fell, the other helped rise up with a laugh.

You were falling, but in the best way possible... The tears in the gold eyes could not be dried entirely. The act of figuring it all out was too powerful.

You could compare it to a game.

But it was nothing of a sort.

It had more meaning than that.

But you still laughed.

Both of you could not stop laughing.

At the absurdity of it all...

The three legged race you were preforming on live television. There was hardly any elegance in your step. But with Frisk...

You thought, that, perhaps, things will be alright... Somehow. Someway. Someday. Maybe not all the time, but... eventually, at the end...

But you... You were still you. Despite all the love and support you had been given.

And there was a fear building as the music powered down and Mettaton along with it...

The fear was still there in your stomach.

Because it always falls apart.

And it would.

For your Barrier was a dam...

And to break it would to be to break 'you'.

...

..


	29. Affording To Know What You Did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your wonderful comments!! They mean a lot to me!

_"You never have to do anything alone."_

But in the end it turned out that they couldn't do it _together_ either.

Because... Well... As it was...

"Opfff- Hahahaha!"

They couldn't- They just couldn't! They couldn't stop flopping around like some sort of fish!

Because! ONE of them, (Not to point FINGERS or anything, FRISK), had lost balance AGAIN and now they were trying to get up for the umpteenth time (Though Chara themself had no real room to talk as they had spent a good deal of time in Snowdin face planting slush)! But they were trying to get up! But it was being made even more difficult as they couldn't stop laughing!

All of this was absolutely absurd!

They could barely keep it together anymore! And as soon as one of them got it under control, the other would start up again, and it was downhill and to the floor once more.

All of this was starting to become very _counterproductive_. And they could tell that Mettaton was starting to grow more than uncertain at the other end.

"But how are _you_ on the dance floor?" Mettaton called.

Frisk broke again. They had to try and muffle the laughter, and Chara felt a funny warm sensation that was almost prideful... because Chara understood why-

_"Your dancing is very... unique."_

_"Dancing...?"_ Mettaton had asked. _"_ Thank you. I'm self taught." He struck a new pose and their smile widened. Chara turned their head towards the audience, a gleam in the golden eyes that had been missing for quite awhile.

_"_ That explains it, doesn't it?" They had scoffed.

And even before the audience could truly route for their demise, they were falling back through time, their Soul having shattered because Frisk had gasped and Chara had panicked thinking they had crossed a line... But to their relief, Frisk had laughed. Laughed so hard as they had stayed out there in the hallway for longer than usual.

_"_ Chara!" They had breathed. Chara had stayed tense and uncertain. _"_ That was _awful!"_ But all Chara could hear was Frisk's glee.

_"_ What is awful is that we keep on dying!" Chara had cried, but Frisk had only rolled closer with another chuckle.

"But are you having _fun?"_ They had asked back, and Chara could remember them having asked the same thing back at Undyne's. Their cheeks had flushed red, and Frisk was gathering control of themself back. Chara was silent, thinking... because the answer seemed to be... yes.

And now they were back in front of Mettaton and Frisk was laughing again; as the disco lasers chased their yellow Soul.

It turned out their dance moves were even more atrocious than his.

_I can do atrocious,_ Chara felt Frisk push a bit, and Chara released hold as Frisk stepped into themself more fully. Frisk stood up straight and lifted their hands beside their head, opening and closing their fingers like little clams.

_What are you-?_

Frisk lowered their hands under their armpits and began to flap their wings.

_No!_

But Frisk was already shaking their butt.

"What... are you doing?" Mettaton actually asked and Frisk had perked up, smiling brightly.

"The Chicken Dance!"

_This is my timeline you said! I cannot be seen doing the Chicken Dance! This is slander! Or something!_

_Such a meaningful conversation!_

Chara was screaming, _LOAD!_

"Well then, Darling! Can you keep up the pace?!"

Chara was absolutely horrified and pushing for control as Frisk started to Chicken Dance more aggressively through the lasers.

_I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ASHAMED TO BE IN THE SAME BODY AS YOU!_

Chara felt feeling return to their left hand as Frisk shoved partial control their way.

_Together!_ , They ordered. Chara suddenly found themself trying to keep their allotted hand in line with Frisk's.

When they had asked for help...

This was not what they expected.

And with how it was turning out, Chara was surprised that they hadn't died **_more_**...

Chara was surprised they could ever lift themself back up off of the floor.

"Lights! Cameras! Bombs!"

"Things are blowing up!"

They were screaming as they went along... despite it being very against the rules.

At the end, despite being hurt, they posed dramatically! Frisk's hand rose above their head and their head tilted back.

A union required break couldn't have come at a better time. It allowed them to catch their breath and be ready when things started back up.

"We've grown so distant darling! How about another heart-to-heart?"

Yeah. Right.

Mettaton's arms came off and clattered to the floor with a crash but so did Frisk's body. They collapsed back onto their previously wiggling butt, but their laughter was rising up again.

This was... This was absolutely absurd!

But Chara was lifting Frisk's head, and as Frisk continued to laugh, Chara felt something cold slip in their 'stomach' again.

"A-arms? Wh... who needs arms with legs like there?" Mettaton asked but Chara was thinking about somebody else- "I'm still going to win!" Frisk wise rising up to the challenge.

"I'm not gonna get hit at ALL!" Frisk boasted. Metton's face genuinely fell and Chara was warming a bit again. They couldn't even stay standing on their own two feet! But Chara loved their enthusiasm... and Mettaton's bizarre, surprised expression. And a part of Chara was determined to make it true.

"Come on...!"

The attacks were coming faster and the two of them were basically rolling out of the way. And when the attacks stopped, Frisk lay on their back panting, but lifted a hand up, pointing towards the sky. They'd still gotten hit, but they hadn't died! Good enough!

"Wooo!" Chara called.

"The show... must go on!"

Chara agreed. Chara picked them up and sprung forward, gold eyes pushing red briefly before Frisk caught up. Somehow, with so many attacks, and a bit more focus... Somehow it was starting to get easier to work in synch. To go this way or that.

They ate the Starfait, their health jumping, but Mettaton was looking extremely worse for wear.

The ratings almost to 10.000 now! All they had left to do was ride it out. To get his legs off. And then a few more poses!

They could... They could do this! With Frisk...

"L... lights... C... camera..."

Mettaton was all alone in that metal frame. He had all his fans cheering, but Chara's eyes blazed. That was nothing to what Chara had, they realized... And the thought was dizzying.

Almost... giddy. For just a moment.

Because Mettaton was unimpressed.

"Enough of this!" He snapped. "Do you really want humanity to perish?!" The words froze Chara solid as Frisk kept them moving forward. Chara tried to get back into it, to keep up, but a million little thoughts and memories were prickling. The sickness in their stomach was returning. And Frisk was holding onto them, determination surrounding as Chara swallowed. "... or do you just believe in yourself that much?"

Chara ignored it all and instead let themself swell with what felt like anger. But their eyes hardened and they posed along with Frisk even as their eyes pierced through his metal armor. Anyone looking might have thought they were answering his last question affirmatively.

"Haha, how inspiring! Well, darling! It's either me or you! But I think we both know who is going to win. Witness the true power of humanity's star!"

But he was falling to pieces, his expression wide and then falling in realization as Chara and Frisk stepped back, no longer laughing but for different reasons. Frisk knew the battle was over, feeling proud of the two of them. But Chara...

"...then... Are YOU the star?" Mettaton asked and Chara gripped their fingers tightly. "Can you really protect them?"

Protect...

Chara wanted to hurt. Hurt _him_. Hurt him and his stupid, oblivious mouth.

What did he know? About anything? He was always being too blind to see. Hadn't he seen anything from their interactions? What did he know? And what did _he_ know about protecting anyone?!

Chara was flushing with anger and pushed Frisk aside as they also took a physical step forward; the red eyes firm and deadly. They lifted their hand out in front of them, and from their fingers fell the 'Mysterious' Key. It bounced on its chain, shimmering in front of them. Mettaton's eyes widened.

_I know what you did..._ , It said.

Chara could feel Frisk's surprise as they shrunk back, their shoulders hunching. And despite the coldness in Chara's stomach, they could not take it back... They could not say that they didn't mean what they were doing.

"OOH! LOOK AT THESE RATINGS!" Mettaton cried, deciding to ignore it. To pretend it and Chara was not there, that the red gaze was not trying to melt through him. "TH-THIS IS THE MOST VIEWERS I'VE EVER HAD! WE'VE REACHED THE VIEWER CALL-IN MILESTONE! ONE LUCKY VIEWER WILL HAVE THE CHANCE TO TALK TO ME... BEFORE I LEAVE THE UNDERGROUND FOREVER! LET'S SEE WHO CALLS IN FIRST!"

The phone rang twice.

*RING RING*

For a brief moment, Chara thought about Papyrus, and they wanted to lower their hand. But then they thought about Papyrus and _Sans_ , and their hand stayed in place. Sans had many faults, but somehow Mettaton's were suddenly more. And suddenly very personal.

"HI, YOU'RE ON TV! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ON THIS, OUR LAST SHOW?"

"... oh... hi... mettaton..." Mettaton's expression immediately transformed, but Chara didn't even smile when he glanced their way in horror. They stood straight faced with the key still dangling from their fingers. "i really liked watching your show... my life is pretty boring, but... seeing you on the screen... brought excitement to my life... vicariously.. i can't tell, but... i guess this is the last episode...? i'll miss you... mettaton... ... oh... i didn't mean to talk so long... oh..."

Chara kept their arm as even as possible as the callers kept coming in, and if Mettaton could sweat- But his expression seemed even more broken than usual, his unfocused gaze seeming to linger on the key.

The praise was bouncing around everywhere, and Mettaton looked like... shit? Scrap metal? Oxidation? Rust?

He looked like he felt like garbage.

And Chara remained unmoved as something rose up in their chest and they knew that if they were expected to talk, that they wouldn't be able to. Frisk's throat had clamped shut though their eyes were dry. There was anger... In multiple directions. As their stomach flipped and turned.

And when Mettaton turned his attention back their way, the coldness had solidified and some sort of light had reflected in the back of the red eyes.

"DARLING. PERHAPS... IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF I STAY HERE A WHILE. HUMANS ALREADY HAVE STARS AND IDOLS, BUT MONSTERS... THEY ONLY HAVE ME. IF I LEFT... THE UNDERGROUND WOULD LOSE ITS SPARK."

_"You have the same feeling of hope in your eyes."_

"I'D LEAVE AN ACHING VOID THAT COULD NEVER BE FILLED."

_"..it still hurts him..."_

_"Human... It was nice to meet you... Goodbye."_

"SO... I THINK I'LL HAVE TO DELAY MY BIG DEBUT."

Chara was stuck frozen in place though their muscles were coiled to run-

"BESIDES. YOU'VE PROVEN TO BE VERY STRONG. PERHAPS... EVEN STRONG ENOUGH TO GET PAST ASGORE."

Somehow the key had gotten back into their left palm and they were squeezing it mercilessly-

ME/R/CY

"I'M SURE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PROTECT HUMANITY."

_"KNOCK 'EM DEAD, DARLING."_

Mettaton was powering down, his eyes shutting off and the whirl of commotion died as the red lights on the cameras followed suite.

There was only a moment of peace before the door burst open.

"I... I managed to open the lock!" Alphys clamored as she fell into the room. "Are you two..." Chara looked down as Alphys caught up beside them. "Oh my god." She breathed. "Mettaton! Mettaton, are you..." Alphys frantically looked him over, a very heightened fear in her heart, and Chara could feel it in the air. And they gritted their teeth, clenched their fists, the 'Mysterious' Key digging painfully into the skin of their left palm. "... thank GOD, it's just the batteries." Alphys breathed out loudly.

Just the batteries...

"Mettaton, if you were gone, I would have... I would have..." She was sweating up a storm and Chara looked up to meet her gaze.

What _would_ she have done?, Chara wanted to know. A part of them wanted to LOAD, to finish it, to storm up to New Home and to The Barrier and hear it for themself. What _would_ she have done? What would she have done if she had realized that in her foolishness she had messed up everything? That she had wrecked the best thing in her life? That she was the reason her family was dead?! But that... required facing off against Asgore. That required... So many things Chara wasn't willing to face. That required... breaking Frisk's heart. The red eyes narrowed and Alphys paused, fear in her eyes.

"I m-mean, h-hey, i-it's n-no problem, you know? He's just a robot, if you m-messed it up, I c-could always... J-Just build another..." She turned away from them, looking back over Mettaton, shaking in her scales. "W-Why don't you go on ahead? I just... need a moment."

Chara swiftly left her behind, not really willing to give her the moment she wanted but needing one themself. They were growing tense, the self hate was mounting.

They'd called for help, Frisk had answered, and their Soul hadn't even retreated back into their chest yet before they had begun to get hostile again. They just... couldn't help it. But that was always why they had asked for help. They just couldn't-

_Chara?_ , Frisk asked as they walked through the hallway. _Are you going to be alright?_

Chara froze again, their breath catching... The answer to that was...

They weren't sure.

For a moment in there, they had thought that with Frisk that it could be yes, but even then, the moment they had pushed Frisk back, they had immediately wanted to tear everything and everyone down.

_I'm just..._ , Chara began but couldn't finish. They were just so angry. They were just...

They felt Frisk fall back some more, seeming to get it and wanting to give them some more space.

Chara wasn't sure that... was a good idea. But they didn't protest either. They didn't want Frisk to be too close... if something happened.

"S... Sorry about that. L-let's k-keep going." Alphys said, cutting Chara off from their thoughts.

They hadn't even noticed that she had returned.

"S-so you're about to meet Asgore, h-huh? You must be... Y-You must be... Pr..."

Scared? Terrified? They wanted to throw it at her. How much of a liar she was in her stupid, stuttering face! How awful she was to chalk this up to a game! To a big adventure! That she had ever, ever thought she would let Frisk go on ahead thinking they could get past Asgore without him dying!

But they...

They had nearly done the same thing...

The only difference was... they had been certain that it was true. That Frisk could... That Asgore wouldn't...

ME/R/CY

"Pretty excited about all that, huh?" Alphys finished. Chara's stomach clenched, they wanted to yell at her, but Frisk in the back of their mind gave them the strength to bite their tongue.

"Y-You'll f-f-finally... You'll finally get to go home!"

Home...

The elevator.

Chara tried their best to escape as quickly as possible, but Alphys called out faster to match their pace.

"W-Wait!" She shouted. Chara twisted on their heels, the red gaze searing. "I-I-I... I m-mean..." Spit it out. Couldn't they see how much they hated her? How much they wanted to leave her? Alphys closed her eyes, to escape them. "I'm sorry! I c-can't just-!" She turned away from them. "I... I lied to y-you." Chara hated how glad they were to hear her so afraid of confessing to them. They couldn't deny it though. Her trembling was perfect and it stoked their anger, it made it almost easier to be angry. "A human Soul isn't strong enough to cross T-The Barrier alone. It takes at least a human Soul... a-and... a monster Soul..." Alphys couldn't turn back towards them like she usually did. "I-If you want to go home... You'll have to take his Soul. Y-you'll... You'll have to kill Asgore."

Alphys tried to take a few shaky steps forward. As if that was all. As if it was so straight forward and not a bomb shell.

Chara could remember that first timeline. This one so clearly! Of how shaken Frisk had been. Frisk had truly bought her story before. So much so that when Sans had asked if all of it was worth it, they had been confused. But then Alphys had spilled the beans. And suddenly Frisk had understood. Had stood there in horror but still... unable to believe. And Chara had... Had been surprised, shocked, and couldn't believe it either. But Toriel had said-

"I'm sorry!" Alphys ran and Chara...

_"...if you really felt bad about it... welp.."_

_"I'm sorry!"_

_*WHY ARE YOU THE ONE WHOSE SORRY?!_

Chara closed their eyes and stepped into the elevator, and once the door closed they pressed their hands up against their temples, letting the sick feeling work its way through them and out. Somehow they once again prevented themself from throwing up...

Chara willed themself to forget all of that and focus on the present.

Just the present!

But even the present was...

Chara stood in front of the Save Star before New Home...

They stood staring at the building ahead of them, faded and worn and drained of all joy. And Chara felt small, felt useless... helpless.

The Save Star was cold...

They lowered their hand and turned away from the faded building, glad they didn't have to face that yet...

Then again... What they still had to face...

They closed their eyes for a moment.

They didn't want to do this. They didn't want to do any of this. They wanted to open their mouth and call for help again, to call to Frisk and _beg_ them to Reset once more... but...

But they couldn't.

Instead they wandered around Hotland, slowly making their way backward, kicking rocks and waiting for Undyne to call.

And call she did...

*Ring... Ring

Chara answered the phone without a word, but it didn't matter, Undyne pounced.

"Hey...!" Undyne's nervousness did nothing to help Chara's. "This is Undyne...!"

It was all the same.

"Hey, punk!"

It was all the same.

Undyne ruffled their hair though as they held the envelope between their fingers, staring at it... Wanting to throw up. If they just threw up on the letter, nobody could call them out on it right?

It was all the same.

All the same...

They stood in front of the Lab door and it was all the same.

It was all the same and they were going to mess it up.

It was all the same as they slid the envelope under the door.

They could hear Alphys stuttering, stuttering away behind the door. The chainsaw. The... The door.

Chara was frozen solid, their expression unreadable as Alphys stood there.

"Hey, if this is a joke, it's..." The surprise on Alphys' face was even more than usual. Her shock... "I..." There was... the slightest bit of relief in their chest. "..." Alphys didn't seem to know what to say. "I... I g-guess th-this cruel of a joke i-is fair e-enough." Alphys admitted, looking down at the letter in her hands. The heat was rising up in Chara's cheeks. "A-After all the gross stuff I d-did..."

Chara could feel Frisk's sadness in the distance, the need to rise up and help, but Chara knew they wouldn't. But Chara could feel it.

"Undyne wrote it." Chara snapped. Alphys' eyes opened wider in surprise. Frisk seemed surprised too, but stayed silent.

Chara didn't care about what happened to Alphys, or how she felt, but Frisk...

Alphys was blushing deeply, already beginning to stammer and press a hand against her cheek. And Chara felt distant. Felt cold and distant from themself, their vision tunneling as they stared at her but couldn't hear her.

They hated her.

They genuinely hated her.

They hated her...

They really, truly... hated her.

They hated her. They hated humanity.

And out of all the things they had truly wanted to erase in _that_ timeline...

They were sick with themself. But if they were honest...

Even after all that talking, they still can't ignore it. They still hate.

They didn't care what happened to her. Or to Sans. Or to... themself.

"H-Hey..." Alphys said, trying to cut through to them, concern on her face as she noticed their expression.

Chara clenched their fists...

_I know what you did..._

"W-What?" Alphys asked, the shock returned to her expression, but even more terrified. Now it was Chara's turn to have the red eyes opened wide in shock as they realized they had said it aloud. "Y-You...?"

They were falling backwards, they were pulling through time, everything whisping around them and away from them-

LOAD

They landed back in front of New Home, staggering backwards in their steps as they couldn't breathe.

Frisk was a wall of shocked silence, not knowing what to do. Whether to rise up and say something or to stay in the back. But Chara couldn't breathe! Couldn't!

And they ran. Just like they always did. Ran. Ran like they had run up the mountain. Ran like Frisk had run. Ran.

But not actually ran. Because the last time they did that they had nearly drowned. The last time they did that they had made Frisk panic.

Chara didn't know what to do... But they didn't want to worry Frisk. They were worrying Frisk, but they didn't want to... They...

Frisk didn't know what to do!

Chara didn't know what to do!

So they walked, at a fast pace, walked aimlessly, up and down the same areas. At least they assumed because they didn't actually seem to get very far when they tuned in to what they were doing. Which was a mistake, so they tuned out again. Just walking.

That had been a mistake. All of this was a mistake.

They ignored the ringing phone in their pocket as they walked aimlessly... Aimlessly except to forget. But they couldn't. They couldn't forget things. Bad things. That was half the problem, what got them into trouble. They just wanted to drone it out. Walk. Walk aimlessly. No destination.

Them being here was a mistake...

B-But mistakes were supposed to be okay. B-But... They were the mistake. This... Everything...

They were going to throw up. They couldn't breathe. They were going to throw up! Something. Maybe.

They didn't know what to do.

Frisk didn't know what to do either.

All of this had unfolded in ways that neither of them had expected but should have.

They didn't know what to do. How to go on. Everything from this point onward was everything that Chara was trying to avoid!

Chara didn't know what to do.

Except walk. Except to let the walking give them time to calm down.

But it only made it worse Only added to the adrenaline pumping through them.

They-... They-!

And then they stopped. They were standing still again even as they took in deep, uneven breaths. The red eyes were wide as the lights of the MTT hotel shone on their face in alternating colours, but they hardly noticed. They had stopped, frozen, because there was... Sans.

He was standing in his spot by the door, his hands in his pockets, leaning up against the building with his eyes closed.

Chara...

Chara didn't know what to do, their mind was static. But at the same time, something was pressing in their chest and something inside them was leaning forward, but their throat was clamped shut. They felt trapped in their own skin, frozen in place. And once again he was blind to it all. He didn't even notice them, and they couldn't call out to him or step forward.

And they wanted to...

It was a bizarre sensation, but at the same time...

But! It was only because in all of this, he was the only one who really knew the truth. The only one who could perhaps give them a straight answer... But he wouldn't. Either. He never did. That was the problem. And yet.

Chara swallowed, something dislodging, but when they took a step forward, they felt light, they almost felt disconnected from themself again. And that was probably a good thing, or maybe a bad thing, because that was the only way they could have ever stepped there in front of him. The only way that they could have ever lifted their hand and tugged on his sleeve.

One eye, the left one, opened lazily and looked them over like they were nothing. Like they weren't... shaking. And looking like they had taken a bath in sweat and two seconds away from throwing up.

But there was nowhere else to go. Nothing left to do.

Sans smiled, but Chara noticed that the echo of truth behind it had shattered and vanished like every other good thing Chara came into contact with.

Chara bit down everything inside. Either anger, or... whatever it was.

He said the exact same thing, even if in a slightly more relaxed tone than usual. Which meant he was actually more stressed than usual, they decided. Which was fine, Chara was too. And they followed him dumbly through his stupid shortcut, following him into the building and into their designated spot across the table from him. They were partially glad they didn't have to sit down. Standing was easier. It made them feel like they still had to option to drift away, as if they hadn't actually gone anywhere with him, as if they hadn't stopped walking, running...

And they were happy they weren't actually getting food, they wouldn't have been able to handle it.

But with that thought they suddenly realized that they hadn't hurled yet because monster food didn't work like that.

That made their stomach flip even more, that one small accomplishment felt as if it had been ripped from their fingers and it left a bitter taste in their heart.

Not a good start for their already sure-to-be bitter experience...

Sans seemed so at ease, so casual. He seemed like everything was just the same. That everything was actually the same. As if their earlier encounter hadn't happened. As if they hadn't been avoiding him, and kinda vice versa since Waterfall.

Things were not the same.

Though the script still existed.

And apparently...

The show must go on.

But even if the script was the same.

It wasn't the same.

Not.

It wasn't...

But it _was_.

Because like clockwork, Chara was going to mess it up again. Again- Like they had earlier- They were just diggin themself a bigger hole as they went along. A bigger hole to fall into.

"so. your journey's almost over, huh?" He started off. Following the script. They were both back on the script. Because all the things that Chara was sure that they could have said, were stuck, and were lost. It took them all of two seconds to give into the silence. "you must really wanna go home."

Chara flinched and they gripped the fabric at the bottom of Frisk's shirt as they hoped Sans hadn't notice. But of course he did. He always did. They could only let him keep talking.

Because if you couldn't say anything nice, they told themself. As if they had thought of something to say at all. God, why were they even here? What had they expected?! Why had they come here? Why-?

"maybe sometimes it's better to take what's given to you."

"down here you've already got food, drinks, friends... is what you have to do... really worth it?"

No.

But they had to.

"ah, forget it."

But they couldn't- That was the point- They couldn't. They...

They had to all of this. Because they owed Frisk. They owed it to everyone. They owed... themself.

That was it, wasn't it? At least by Frisk's logic. That was why Frisk had refused to Reset. Why they pushed. They had to do this? They could never go forward without it? But Chara didn't want to go forward. They wanted to go backwards. All the way backwards. And couldn't. So they were stuck. They would mentally stay in the back of Frisk's mind forever. Forever. But Frisk wasn't allowing them. Why did Frisk have to want them to-? Why did they have to be so determined? Why-?

"hey. let me tell you a story."

The story was always the same. Always. Locked doors. Bad knock knock jokes. Their mom. Promises...

Promises.

Promises!

They had heard all of this before... It shouldn't be so hard. But they... They knew he knew. And yet he was also following the script. He-

"do you get what i'm saying?" Sans asked, almost, just almost, apologetically, but not quite. Chara always hated that. Hated him because of it. Hated- "that promise i made to her... you know what would have happened if she hadn't said anything?" Sans' eyes closed. "...buddy."

He turned away again, his head falling slightly. And when his eyes opened his face was covered in shadow and the lights in his eyes completely out.

**"...You'd be dead where you stand."**

It was all just so- A smile was spreading across Frisk's face as Chara suddenly laughed. Laughed at how absurd all of this was. This entire set up. Sans seemed to be eyeing them, but they couldn't really tell. Something giddy was rising up inside them as they leaned in. They whispered sinisterly, the red eyes looking as if they wanted to devour him:

**"But who are you to say I'd stay that way?"**

They could see his immediate terror, but somehow... they weren't as proud of it as they would have expected. And on top of that, they could feel Frisk's disappointment even if they didn't say anything. And that in itself was enough to make Chara deflate back.

"Sorry." They mumbled now. But it was a fair statement, they reasoned to themself. Not even Chara could be the one to say they'd stay dead.

The silence that followed was awkward... to say the least. Maybe a bit more than awkward. The two remained stuck standing across from each other, the table might as well have not been there for the amount of protective distance it gave either of them.

It would be... so much easier not to hate him. They know it also isn't really fair that they do. They didn't always hate him, not like Alphys. Of course they never trusted him, because he knew. He at least knew something. But a part of them hadn't always realized he was also scared. The he felt helpless. Like Frisk does. Like... Just... They didn't really get it all fully until they just didn't care anymore. When it had been necessary to hate him in order to press Frisk into not calling for help, into getting Frisk to do what they wanted. And for that Frisk had needed to feel.. alone.

They...

He...

"You..." Chara started up again weakly with the red eyes casting downwards. "You just... never. say. _anything._ "

There was another pause.

"You see so much and never call it out. You could have avoided everything... And I..."

The red eyes closed and their head dropped.

He could have stopped them.

Why hadn't he stopped them?

But at the same time... They were now thinking of Toriel again. They had said the same thing to her before they had Loaded and erased it...

And right there they realized... The things that they had thought about Toriel... needed to apply to him to. Maybe not because he deserved it. But because... if they were going to get anywhere in all of this... they needed to afford him at least that. For Frisk. And because they owed him something too. Even if they weren't ready to admit that yet.

Because they still...

No, they got it. They got why he didn't say anything before it all came crashing down. But they still didn't get...

"Why?" Chara asked quietly. "Why don't you...? How can you? I... I just... don't understand." Their voice cracked. "You know what I've done."

"..." Sans was staring at them, they could feel it. "i don't get it either." Sans admitted finally and Chara lifted their head. The lights in his eyes had returned and he seemed to be examining them seriously. "see, there's a lot of things floatin' round this skull here, but... uh... none of it likes to make sense, but i'm getting, you're not the kid that usually comes through, you're the one who..."

Chara's head fell again.

"heh." Sans let out, though it wasn't convincing. And then he sighed and Chara heard his jacket russle as he probably shrugged. "welp..." He began to leave, walking away from the useless table. "well whatever's goin' on... take care of yourselves. somebody really cares about you. even if both of us aren't exactly sure why."

And then he left. Just like that.

Chara kept their head down, their muscles tight as their breathing grew uneven and their face red and hot with tears in the back of those red eyes.

Chara escaped MTT, storming through to Snowdin where Undyne met them at the edge of Waterfall, and she was also on the edge of furious.

"YOU WEREN'T ANSWERING MY CALLS!" She raged, and Chara felt themself trembling. But perhaps not in fear, they had been shaking a bit since... since...

Undyne was hugging them tightly and Chara jolted in surprise.

"How am I supposed to know you're okay when you do things like that?!" Undyne demanded.

"I... I'm sorry." Chara said, and broke into tears.

Undyne pulled away, shocked by their reaction, but Chara couldn't stop, and Undyne seemed to get it quickly that they were crying about something else and not her.

"H-Hey!" Her concern grew into anger. "Did someone hurt you?!" She raged, seeming to have forgotten that once she had been the number one in line to do so. Chara shook their head, but they couldn't stop! There was snot running down their nose. "H-Hey!" Undyne seemed at a loss as to what to do, but then it struck her. A brilliant idea. "Oh! I know!" She pulled out her letter, her smile wide. "I've got the perfect training for you, punk!" She told them. But then she faltered. "I... uh... need you to deliver this for me. To Alphys. Walking through Hotlands is great for someone's stamina and endurance! Think you can handle it?"

"No..." Chara whimpered.

"Whaaaaaaat? Of COURSE you can!"

'N-No, I really can't." Chara told her again, and this time Undyne's face fell as she looked them over seriously. "I can't stand Alphys. I'll just ruin your chances with her." They cried.

"Who told you about that?! PAPYRUS?" Undyne raged, but then calmed down, getting the first part of the statement again. "What? Whatcha got against _Alphys_?" She seemed genuinely surprised anyone could have anything against her.

"I..."

"Hey, it's cool, you can tell me, I won't hold it against you."

"She's..." There was so much there that they couldn't tell her, that she didn't know or couldn't. And when they tried to boil it down to the fact she was a liar, that didn't stand up. They were a liar. Sans was a liar. It was just... "I just... It's just better if I stay out of it." They told her.

There was a strange expression on Undyne's face, and Chara squirmed. It was as if she wasn't looking just at their face, but at all the little things going on in their brain.

_"Y-You're going to destroy it... Y-You can't..."_

"What... What happened to facing your troubles head on?" Chara pushed, wanting to get her out of their head, desperate for her to just get it. Just to let it go. Undyne seemed to hesitate, but then it was a whirlwind.

And that was how Chara ended up spying on a fish lesbian knocking firmly on a lab door, looking hot and absolutely petrified, but when she looked their way, Chara and Papyrus offered her thumbs up.

"I BELIEVE IN YOU!" Papyrus mocked whispered and Chara couldn't help but smile, even if it was strained.

And that was how Chara got out of their date with Alphys but still got to watch one from afar, kneeling out of sight behind a trash heep with Papyrus, waiting for the inevitable smooch.. or at least inevitable according to Papyrus and Frisk.

But despite how much it had changed... it was still just the same. Alphys still got dunked into a garbage can. The inevitable breakdown, inevitable according to the universe, in Chara's mind.

"I don't want you to have to lie to anyone anymore!" Undyne declared, and Chara realized that their excuse of Alphys being a liar had also had one more flaw to it and they were glad they had kept quiet. "Alphys... I want to help you become happy with who you are! And I know just the training you need to do that!"

"Undyne... You.. Y-You're gonna train me?" Alphys stuttered from her trashcan, her cheeks almost glowing with how red they were.

"Pfffft, what? ME?" Undyne sputtered. "Nah. I already have a new trainee. I'll get Papyrus to do it." Papyrus was standing up as Chara sat there blinking in surprise at her change in dialogue.

_She means you_ , Frisk poked, and Chara was blushing.

"GET THOSE BONES SHAKIN'! IT'S TIME TO JOG 100 LAPS. HOOTING ABOUT HOW GREAT WE ARE!" Papyrus shouted too loudly.

"Ready? I'm about to start the timer!" Undyne called.

"U-Undyne... I'l d-do my best..."

And they were off.

Chara was peeking up over the garbage as Undyne had her internal freak out.

"HHHHHHNNNNN!" Her hands were pressed against her cheeks. "OH MY GOD!" Undyne twisted towards Chara, almost desperate for support. "She was kidding, right? Those cartoons... Those comics... Those are still REAL, right?! ANIME'S REAL, RIGHT?!"

For the briefest moment, Chara thought about lying. That was the script. But... But Chara had never been one to curb a blow.

"Anime isn't real." Chara told her sadly.

"No... NO! I CAN FEEL MY HEART BREAKING INTO PIECES!... no. I can survive this. I have to be strong. For Alphys. And..." Chara felt their stomach flop as she eyed them. "Thank you for telling me the truth, punk." She said finally, but she sighed. "I'll try my best to live in this world..." But her eye was open, a fire blazing. "And training is the only thing to do at a time like this!" She told them, putting a hand on their back.

"What?" But Undyne was pushing.

"LET'S GET GOING, TRAINEE!" Chara found themself racing beside her, running as fast as Frisk's little legs could carry them. Running. Running like they always did. With no other purpose. Nothing to run from. Run to. Just run. Just letting the thoughts fly away from them.

"WE'RE GREAT! WE'RE THE GREATEST!" Chara heard Papyrus yelling somewhere in the distance.

"G-Great!" Alphys called through huffs.

But Chara's face was red and breathless and they had no words. Undyne didn't seem to expect them either. But she was suddenly raging at the stone sky, letting out all of her frustration at her world view having been shattered.

**"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"**

And Chara yelled too...

"AAAAAAAAAHH!"

They collapsed after who knew how many laps, entirely exhausted and sweat clinging to them. Undyne had skid to a halt beside them, her hands on her hips as she took in deep breaths.

"Great job!"

Chara half swore if she heard the word 'great' being yelled ever again.

"GREAT WORKOUT EVERYONE!" Papyrus shouted as he joined them. Chara looked up, squinting. Of course. But their eyes drifted to his side.

"Hey! Where's your trainee?! And my... m-my..."

"GIRLFRIEND?!"

"OH MY GOD I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!" Undyne panicked.

And Chara began to panic too. Because Alphys really wasn't there. She really was-

"SHE SAID SHE HAD SOMETHING TO DO." Papyrus said. And Chara's stomach dropped. But they couldn't afford to let it show on their face because now Papyrus was turning towards _them_. "OH, HEY... YOU'RE LEAVING SOON, RIGHT?!" They nodded. Soon. There was no escaping it now. There was no escape- "WELL! GOODBYES AREN'T ALLOWED IN MY GARBAGE DUMP! JUST SEE-YOU-LATERS!" He told them, and he was bending down on one knee. Chara leaned forward and encasing him in a sweaty hug because they knew that was what he wanted them to do.

"S-See you later." They said, glad that they could explain away their shaky breath due to the excersise.

Chara walked away as slowly as possible, stalling, but they just couldn't stop themself either. They took time to Save in Waterfall, but after that, that was it... There was no more delay. This was it. Nothing left to do. Nothing. No escape.

Chara took several cups of water at the cooler, their stomach flipping as they took sips.

_You don't have to look at anything_ , Frisk said suddenly. Even hopefully. But Chara crinkled the melting cup between their fingers.

But they couldn't though.

Because...

Chara stepped into the Lab, the air-conditioning not as much of a relief because the heat had not been as uncomfortable as everything else going on inside of them.

Chara glanced over towards the wastebasket where they saw a lumped up note peeking out of the top.

_I know what you did..._

Chara ignored the other chicken-scratched note at their feet as they turned and stood in front of the wide open door, an ominous breeze trying to pull them in.

_I know what you did_ , Chara repeated.

But they weren't talking to Frisk.

Nor were they talking about Alphys.

...

..

You're always going to know what you've done...


	30. Needing To Shatter

_"HELP!"_

_"H-Help... Help... H-Hel-"_

_"Chara? That's a nice name-"_

_"Do your creepy face! AHHHHH! Hee hee hee."_

_"Come on, quit tricking me! Haha!"_

_"Howdy! Chara!"_

_"Ha, this time I got YOU!"_

_"Now you're smiling for nooooo reason! Hee hee hee."_

_"What?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"Turn off the camera...?"_

_"I... I don't like this idea, Chara."_

_"Wh..What? N-No, I'm not... big kids don't cry."_

Big kids don't cry...

_"No! I'd never doubt you, Chara. Never!"_

They simply kept moving forward...

_"Y...Yeah! We'll be strong! We'll free everyone."_

They did what had to be done.

_"I'll go get the flowers."_

No matter the consequences.

_"My child, are you alright?"_

No matter the costs...

_"Here, let me see... Chara..? Please, won't you let me see?"_

Sometimes you needed a little pain to get what you wanted...

_"Wh-What? What has happened to your mouth?"_

Sometimes... The pain didn't matter. Just the end.

_You're going to be free._

The ends justify the means, it was to say.

_"Gorey- Asgore! Asgore, come! Asgore!"_

_"What is it? What is it Tori? What is wrong?"_

_Nothing._

_"I just don't feel so good."_

Just press forward... Go. No matter what they see.

_"Chara... You have blisters."_

" _M'fine_."

_"My child, you can barely stand!"_

_"It's fine..."_

_It's fine..._

It was fine...

And it continued to be fine. As they had gotten sicker. As none of their family was smiling. As Asriel stayed silent in the corner. As the ones they considered their mother, their father, did their best to make the blisters disappear. To alleviate their other symptoms. As everyone but Chara worried. As everyone did their best to make Chara comfortable.

_"Is there anything else you would like, my child? Another pillow? Blanket? You are shaking-"_

They had looked pointedly at Asriel, a million instructions in their eyes.

_"There's... a field... with my golden flowers."_

So much time they had spent there. Out of all their memories of the surface, this was the only good one they allowed themself, even if the reason of them being there had not been the best at its heart.

But those memories were not the ones that had made them speak.

They looked at Asriel, he knew. This is where they will go; the plan. They were reminding him of the plan. They were shaking in pain, but he was shivering in the corner and fidgeting with the video camera. They needed to remind him without Toriel and Asgore realizing it.

But in doing so, Toriel and Asgore had looked crushed. For Chara had asked them for something they could not give. Only Asriel could. Asriel would-

There was a shadow in the doorway, such a sad look on his face.

What have you done?

_What you wouldn't. What you should have._

What you thought you'd had to.

But everyone around you looked just as sad...

But it would be _okay_.

It would be _alright_.

Fine.

And that was what you had thought, truly thought... As everything slipped black.

What had we done?

_"Chara... Can you hear me? We want you to wake up..."_

They hadn't.

_"Chara! You have to stay determined!"_

But that was the point, they were.

_"You can't give up!"_

Although in the end they would...

_"You are the future of humans and monsters..."_

Because they weren't any of that. Though they had tried... Their subconscious had played it in their mind. Over and over. Like a mantra. Pushing you forward. Finally you had a phrase to describe the feeling the Save Stars gave you-

_**Stay determined...** _

_**Stay-** _

And a shadow had begged you. Begged you for a miracle. To prove him wrong.

And you didn't.

_"...Psst... Chara... Please... Wake up... I don't like this plan anymore. I... I... no, I said... I said I'd never doubt you."_

But Asriel should have.

_"Six, right? We just have to get six..."_

_"And we'll do it together right?"_

Because...

_Didn't. Didn't. Didn't._

_Couldn't._

_Can't._

_Didn't. Can't. Won't ever!_

The red eyes were staring back at them from the darkness. A demon. Ruining everything. Ruining-

_Chara...!_

_CHARA!_

Chara gasped for air as they resurfaced, but they still couldn't breathe properly. They were out of breath and their limbs were shaking as their vision came back into focus.

The TV lay destroyed at their feet, having fallen face first. No. Having been pulled forward from it's spot while gravity did they rest. Chara didn't remember... Nor remembered getting out of the way. But Frisk was crying, tense and scared in the back of their own mind as Chara struggled to recover from the physical effort. And to stay focused.

But the VHS player was still spinning and the noise caught Chara's attention. There was just the sound of spinning, the actual recordings could no longer be heard. There were no more voices. Yet Chara's mind continued to play them. They knew the tapes by heart. They had listened to them a hundred plus times, hiding behind Frisk as they listened to their family begging them to stop. The voices they hadn't listened to when they had been alive.

The VHS tape reached the end, they could tell by the way it caught and then began to rewind. Only to start to play again.

Chara couldn't catch their breath.

At first, it was as if a third person had seized control of Frisk's body. Chara saw the hand reach out over the shattered TV and the tape was soon in their hand. But that was that. Once the tape was in their hand, they could feel it. They could press their fingers into the top flap that protected the film.

The film came out with little protest, streaming through their fingers as Chara gritted their teeth, pulling faster and faster. But then it wouldn't pull anymore and Chara let out a strangled, screeched sound, tugging, tearing. Finally, they lifted it over their head and smashed it downwards onto the back of the TV monitor. It bounced and skipped and Frisk's foot came down hard. There was a satisfying crunch, but it didn't satisfy for long. Chara reached for the other tape. The one where they had pressured Asriel.

_Ch-Char... Chara..._

They had to be rid of it! The evidence of it!

With a wild franticness, Chara pulled out the film, they couldn't breathe-

It crashed against the monitor, it smashed beneath Frisk's shoe.

Not enough. Not enough!

Chara reached for the other-

Because it wasn't just the pain that was evidence. There was also what they had taken away. What they had destroyed. The good times were evidence too. Of what they'd had. Of what they'd-

Asriel's laughter. His joy. His compassion. His love.

Pull the film out. Smash it. Destroy it. Like everything else. Like... And...

And their... Their parents.

Their parents so in love-

The film stripped between their fingers, came apart in two. Unbound. Made lose around their fingers. And then crashed down onto the ground.

The evidence of what they had destroyed and how they had destroyed it lay about Frisk's feet...

But Chara stood there, unable to properly breathe...

And it had not been enough.

It wasn't enough!

But they had run out of evidence to destroy in the tiny room.

But something pricked in the back of Chara's mind, just beside Frisk. They quickly thought back to another room. Another room full of horrible evidence. And they headed out, storming without a thought other than what they had to do- They could not pay attention to Frisk crying. Their mind was set on one thing. One thing. Destroy it. Be rid of it.

The sight of the golden petals assaulted them. A sight that had once filled them with so much warmth. The one good thing of their life on the surface that they could remember... And Chara couldn't wait to destroy it. The flower's roots protested, it tried in vain to resist. It came up finally, clumps of dirt flying. But it was not enough. Not enough. Chara began to tear at it, ripping the head of the flowers off, splitting the stem in half, throwing it all down onto the ground. Not enough, not enough! Everything had to go. Everything around it, associated with it! Their hands dipped down into the remaining dirt and it came up over the sides, but that was not fast enough. Inefficient. Chara's hands grasped the sides of the pot and lifted it. And then the next. And the next. No longer wasting time on the individual flowers expect to crush them under their feet in their blind rage.

A scream was echoing around them.

They couldn't do this fast enough. Sure enough. The pieces of pot were everywhere but it was still possible to tell what they were pieces of! It was still possible to tell that they were pieces. Chara couldn't break it all down into dust. Dust. Gone. They couldn't erase it all. The flowers. The stupid flowers! The past. What they did!

Tears were streaming down their dirty face.

He was a flower. He's a flower! He's a stupid flower! He's stuck and can't feel. Their brother who had loved them. She'd stuffed him into a flower!

 _Destroy it!_ , Their pained heart begged.

Frisk was curled up in the back of their own mind, holding self tight with their hands pressed against their ears as they continued to cry.

But Chara was too far gone, too worked up.

They're a demon who ruins everything.

The red eyes proved that.

The red eyes-

Chara was frozen in their rampage, their breathing thin as they looked up.

Frisk stared back at them in the mirror but the red eyes blazed through Chara's teary haze. Chara could see them plainly.

The red eyes.

The red eyes that had not been there before.

The red eyes that had never been like that when they were alive!

Dark hazel. Hints of green.

And now-

The last whole pot was crashing into the mirror and it splinted like a spider's web. It seemed as though a million other sets of red eyes stared back at them. Chara screamed again as they raced ahead, throwing everything that they could at them. At the red eyes. The biggest pieces of porcelain were now too small to achieve Chara's means.

It wasn't enough! Not enough!

There were mirrors that were still whole! There were pieces that could still shine back red at them. Could still show them the truth.

They were running out of things to throw. Of things to ruin.

And eventually, all Chara had left were their hands.

 _Chara! Chara!_ , Frisk cried, unable to stay back anymore. Having no choice but to rise. _Stop! Chara! Stop! Please! PLEASE!_

Chara couldn't see through their tears and Frisk's but they knew... Chara knew the red eyes were still there in the shattered mirror.

 _CHARA!,_ Frisk sobbed. _Chara please-! Please, please, please!_

_***If you really had wanted to stop this you would have RESET!** _

_***But you didn't!** _

"Frisk..." Chara breathed through their sobs. But they couldn't stop. It was all still there. They had to- Had to get rid of-

 _Please_!, Frisk continued.

 _ **STOP ME THEN!,**_ Frisk cowered, too afraid to Act after last time, when they had both almost drowned. But- _St-Stop me!_ , Chara gasped.

_*You called for help_

Frisk was there immediately, something old had shaken through Frisk- Sometimes a call for help isn't actually a call, or the words help at all. Sometimes it was harsh words to keep them from getting burned. Sometimes it was a warm, sweaty hug as her arms shook. Sometimes it was her weak whimper against their ear. Sometimes it was them hiding in the bathroom. In the library between the shelves.

And sometimes it was playing old VHS tapes over and over even though it hurt. Sometimes it was breaking everything apart.

Chara couldn't move their arms. They were rigid at Frisk's side as everything tripped. Frisk was clinging to Chara, holding them close in the tightest hug since they had fallen through time together and Frisk had been terrified of losing Chara to the void- Perhaps it was that same fear that gave them strength once again.

Gold eyes flared as Frisk's body went limp and they came down hard on their knees. They were surrounded by broken pieces. Glass, porcelain. Dirt. Blood.

Chara bent forward, leaning ahead as Frisk hugged Chara and Chara began to hug them back. The two stayed sobbing loudly on the ground and Chara could only dry heave as the eyes pressed shut. Their mind was in a million different places.

Except it all lead back to one thing. One...

"Asriel..." Chara sobbed. "A-Asriel."

They couldn't Save him. They really can't Save him...

They'd just wanted! They had wanted to set them all free! But what had they done? What had they done?!

They'd just wanted to make it right. Chara hadn't deserved- Humans had locked Monsters away. It was only right one set them free. It wasn't about being a hero. Not really. Not about being strong. It was... Chara had wanted...

They had hurt Asgore on accident, of course they had. Of course! And they had laughed at the absurdity that they could have actually had something nice. That somebody ACTUALLY loved them and Chara had gotten him hurt.

They had wanted to make something good come out of it.

Out of all the pain Chara had put their family through.

They had wanted...

Hurting Asgore had just been the sign they hadn't known they had been looking for. The assurance. The little yellow flowers so much like their favorite ones on the surface.

They had just wanted their family to be... to be free.

To see...!

So they had eaten the flowers. So they had brought Asriel into their plan, since nobody else would do it. They had forced themself to believe Asriel would be different. That Asriel could do it... That their power would have been enough. It had to be Asriel...

Because... Because... He had been the one they had wanted to Save the most.

Because they had wanted...

_"I just wanted you to see the sun again, I wanted you to keep the sun, I'm sorry-"_

They had wanted their brother to see the sun! The flowers! The stars!

Stars...

They'd wanted to Save...

The Save Stars. The anomaly. If anyone would have been able to do it...

Chara had had the power. Though they don't remember Loading back then. Just using it for bursts of determination. Somebody had explained it to them, the Saves, but who? Who? Who had first called them Save Stars?

You cannot remember.

But they remembered the flooding of power. How they had reasoned that they could use it to Save their own consciousness in order to help Asriel. In order to stay and do what they had to. They remembered how it had given them the confidence. The determination. The determination even as their stomach began to kill them.

Actually kill them.

The determination as the power of Asriel and Chara combined. The determination to set the free. To Save them. Chara would Save them.

And for the briefest, shining moment, everything really had seemed alright.

Asriel had recovered from his grief as Chara had held his 'hand', as they had led him through The Barrier and into the sunlight. And that was all Chara needed... They couldn't be sure what would happen to them after The Barrier was destroyed, but this was all they had needed. For the feeling of wonder and awe to sweep over them as Asriel had looked towards the sky.

For that... Chara could have done anything.

All they needed was to share the sky with him, and to stand there with him surrounded by their golden flowers.

Standing there... Chara really thought they would Save them.

They had really, truly thought they would Save them.

Putting their body down in the flowers and standing up to face those gathering humans...

Chara could SAVE them. Would set them free!

Something excited and vile had risen up inside them, something itching to Act. To Fight.

But-

_*Chara, I don't think this... This isn't a good idea!_

_We'll unleash it all!_

Everything.

The power. The magic. Chara could do it! Would! Was!

Chara would destroy them. All the humans. Humans would never hurt Chara's family ever again!

They had the power. Power over everything! Finally they were the ones in contro- But the magic stopped. Stopped as Chara was thrown off. And thrown back.

**_*WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!_ **

Their brother-!

Chara was screaming. They could only scream! As Asriel was being hit! They were hurting their brother!

 _Fight back! Fight back!,_ They'd begged. Ordered. _Kill them!_

_I- I can't. Chara this isn't right!_

He had resisted, he had pushed Chara back and they had screamed. Not right? Not right?! They had been so angry. So furious. How could he just throw this away? How could he just do this?! How could he-?! Just smile?! Just let them go?! Take the beating when they could crush them all like ants?! Like they deserved?! They couldn't stop screaming at him. They had nothing but harsh words. They pulled. They kicked. Like a child having a tantrum.

**_THIS IS KILL OR BE KILLED, ASRIEL! KILL OR BE KILLED! DESTROY THEM! ERASE THEM ALL!_ **

What if... they had distracted him too much in their Fight for control? What if they had made him stagger? Unable to dodge well enough? What if-

But they hadn't noticed then. They had only screamed, so worked up in their coming failure as he crossed The Barrier in the opposite direction.

**_HOW COULD YOU?!_ **

But he had been falling to his knees in the garden, their parents were calling his name...

But something...

Chara felt it. Chara felt something break and they had frozen in terror as they began to realize- Just how hurt he actually was. And then they had seen their parents' faces. The anger drained out of them, and suddenly-

_Save him. Save him! Save him! God! Anyone! Save him! Save Asriel! Somebody please! Please! PLEASE!_ _**PLEASE!** _

The pull, Chara remembers it. The pull on their Soul.

The Save.

The Save they didn't have enough strength to reach. That they didn't have enough determination to activate.

Chara remembers it so vividly. Knows so well what it was with hindsight. At the time they had thought it was Death closing in.

That Load that never was...

Asriel was turning into dust, it was beginning to scatter-

And Chara's Soul had shattered.

And then... Darkness. That was all it was, for the longest time. Darkness. And their last thought echoing. That was all they were. Just a thought. Repeating. Cycling.

_Save him, Save him, Save him._

_Asriel. Asriel. Asriel._

Until Frisk...

Until Frisk had...

Frisk hugged Chara tighter and Chara bent down farther, their forehead reaching their knees as the small body shook. There were no longer deep, resounding sobs but soft whimpers.

Chara wished... Wished that everyone would just... give up on them.

They just wish- They wish-...

Wish...

..

.

.

Sans didn't say anything. He just continued to rub their back as Frisk hugged them ferociously and Chara tried to not cry openly as they hid against Frisk's knees...

The muffled sobs stretched out across the room regardless.

...

...

..

.

.


	31. Affording To Do Better Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note To Self: Actually edit this when you have more time.

The back of their own mind was a dangerous thing...

The only thing keeping Frisk from getting lost was their clear head and the sensation of their Soul in the distance. It was as if there was a string attached to it and Frisk's 'chest' and all Frisk had to do was give one, fierce tug to find their way back.

Kinda like what you were _supposed_ to do when you entered a dark cave...

But even though Frisk knew they could make it back safety, that didn't stop them from feeling small and incredibly alone...

That wasn't true. Chara was there too, asleep in the bed at Home; back in the beginning of their journey, seemingly so long before everything shattered. Before Chara had even seen the red eyes. Frisk had left them in relative peace to explore. But...

They should go back, Frisk thought. They should stop before they went too far... Before Chara woke up with them gone. But this had been Frisk's first chance to explore without Chara realizing it. It was Frisk's first chance to really experience what it was like... If Chara was awake, there would be no way to really tell. Chara had seemed intent on distracting Frisk all throughout the Ruins, trying to make Frisk feel included as much as possible. Well... That may have also been Chara trying their best to distract themself too, but Frisk knew it also had to do with this. What lay back here.

Frisk had been back here before but never with a clear mind. They only had bits and pieces. The memory of falling as they lost themself. But this time they weren't falling, they were going slowly down. Slowly backing away, and they knew that they had already reached where Chara went whenever they put up The Barrier: This vast darkness with a single source of inexplicable light that followed them as they went along from somewhere undefined.

The light only served to make the darkness seem darker and drain anything of colour. It offered no comfort nor warm. All there was, was a seemingly endless void ready to swallow Frisk up...

Frisk stopped short, losing their 'breath'. The colder than cold sensation seeped through them and their self-hugging grip tightened as they hunched in on themself.

The light had suddenly stopped following them and Frisk stood on the very edge of it, the darkness seemed eternal-

This was it. This place beyond even the back of their own mind. This place they had known had existed but hadn't wanted to believe existed either.

It was like standing on the edge of the platform in Waterfall, when they had nowhere else to run from Undyne's spears and she was about to destroy the ground beneath their feet into little pieces. When they were about to plummet into darkness. But worse. Because they knew then, with Undyne, what lay in the darkness: a new patch of flowers to break their fall.

But the darkness ahead of them, beyond them...

Frisk edged closer, their 'stomach' flipped and they were grasping at their own 'arm'. Their entire 'body' was tingling with fear.

One push, one second of uncertainty, and they'd fall... Fall without really falling, cut off from everything.

Here, all Frisk had to do was lean too forward, take a step, two... and...

Frisk pushed back into the light, their 'breathing' having grown too quick and uneven and the darkness felt as if it was closing in. Like it was alive and wanting to encroach around them, drown them- It was their imagination- but it was their own mind. And their mind was assaulting them with memory. Of every little instant the * in their mind had dwindled, had faded, had sounded weak. Of all the times they had had trouble sensing Chara. Or even when they could _feel_ them fall. That sinking, despairing sensation, that curling into themself- All the times Frisk had pushed, had pulled, had tried to silence what was supposed to be just a thought- Just a thought. An 'intrusive thought' Mrs. Garner had said. Though they should have known than to trust her- But they'd been desperate. Frisk had craved that small time of peace through another's despair-

Chara had never mentioned it. Had never said a thing. All this time getting to know each other and this was the first time Frisk was seeing it all for what it was... How close to the edge... What it was like when Chara wasn't with them, sharing the Soul.

And Chara had wanted to stay- Hadn't wanted- Wanted to-

_Frisk?_

In an instant, Frisk was back, emerging from the darkness and desperate to cover up their panic. Their vision was blurred, almost like a screen as Frisk stayed back a few paces. Was this what Chara referred to as LO 4? They could see what Chara could see, they could hear Chara breathing... And Frisk... was just a thought.

*I'm here.

Chara's relief was so immense despite probably not meaning for Frisk to feel it. Frisk personally felt a wave of what would have been nausea as the feeling mixed with their current thoughts over their revelation. This was...

But Frisk's ability to feel Chara's emotions didn't last long. Chara was now more awake, more alert and blocked off, as they sat up in the bed and stepped out to put the pie in their inventory. And then... slowly... slipped out into the hallway.

*It's you!

Chara did not respond to that, they didn't move, and Frisk could see their expression in the mirror. The red eyes were wide and Frisk's mouth was parted in surprise.

*Well!

*Sorta!

*Kinda!

*Your eyes at least!

Chara had kept staring.

_Right_

But Frisk didn't feel as if that had helped at all. And the uneasiness, uncertainty was building up. Because after that something had changed in all of this. In how Chara was acting. A change, an intensity to their silence.

Because...

Chara hadn't... hadn't wanted to be the one in control... but-

...

..

.

"Sans!"

"Saaaaaaaaaaans!"

"Sansy!"

"Sans!"

His vision was adjusting to the lighting still but he offered them his brightest, carefree smile as he stuffed his hands back into his jacket pockets.

"'sup, everybuddy?" He called out but he didn't expect it to last. And sure enough, the moment the small form appeared from out behind him.. The restaurant exploded.

"FRISK!"

"Frisky!"

"Frisk!"

"Hi, Frisk."

"Frisk, hi!"

Frisk tried to stand up as tall as possible beside him as they waved at everyone. As they tried to smile. It worked its charm, or perhaps everyone around the restaurant was just too excited to see them to actually _see_ them. Cuz to Sans... They looked even smaller than usual. They were smiling, sure, but their eyes...

They'd come out of the bathroom at Toriel's and Sans had stopped short. There had been a funny, sick, flipping feeling in his not-stomach.

Their eyes...

They were the darkest brown he had ever seen them. And it was _clearly noticeable_.

In hindsight, Sans had begun to realize their eyes had always changed, it just had never been that apparent. Or perhaps... he had never wanted to see it. That had been back when he had been trying to avoid them and he had explained it away: flicks of light, what they were wearing that day, whatever. Anything. He didn't want to know anything more.

But now... And now that he knew the significance-

Seeing their eyes like that, Sans had to wonder how far Chara had buried themself.

Frisk had caught on to his hesitation and their cheeks had flushed red. Sans could tell by the positioning of their hands that they wanted to grasp at something, namely their arm, but they resisted. Their fingers opened and closed and then fell at their sides to play with the bottom of their shirt.

_"they...?"_ Sans had begun but he knew he couldn't ask that. Asking a question with such an obvious answer was pointless.

_"They just need to be a lone for a bit."_ Frisk had mumbled with the slight shake of their head. It was clear that being alone was exactly the opposite of what Frisk wanted, though. They looked so scared, guilty, lost... _"Just for a bit."_

_"you 'kay?"_ Sans had asked instead, even if the question was just as pointless. It had gotten him another shake of their head. He had let out an empty chuckle and the too brown eyes had looked up at him. _"well... know what tends to cheer me up?"_

The _guilt_ in their brown eyes... Enough to drown anyone.

That was such a loaded question, Sans realized, and in the end, so was the answer...

_"some good food, some bad laughs..."_

Almost, just _almost_ , everything the anomaly had needed.

Only... One thing...

Sans had taken their hand as he had pushed the thought away and focused on the present. Frisk had followed his lead wordlessly, watching him with unblinking, alarmed, too-brown-and-too-wide eyes as he finally decided how to continue.

_"irreplaceable company."_

Which was true enough to the right answer.

And so there they were. Frisk and Sans at Grillby's. The new one anyways, but close enough.

The atmosphere filled out the place, just like before; thick with the smell of food, the sound of lively conversation as everything was awash in warm, orange light. That was something Sans appreciated, something old in all the things new. And from the looks of it, Frisk seemed to appreciate it too.

Though speaking of new, most of the faces Sans saw were the same but there was also a handful of new ones. The new faces came in both Monster and human, though from what Sans had seen in his few, select trips most of them were Monsters who for some reason or another had never been to Snowdin. Today, there was a single, stray human in the far left corner, looking over the rest of the menu as he ate.

Old. New. Old.

But it had only been a week, Sans would give it time. Even if he wasn't sure how he felt about that... He was happy Grillby was getting business, there was just that... small, jealous part of him.

When his world had been rocked and on repeat, he had always had Grillby's. It was like his second home... But the place had been open a week and he'd only been here... What with Toriel constantly feeding Papyrus and him and the weekend trip, with how everything was changing.

Well... It had only been a week.

It was too early to judge.

It was just... things really had changed, though. Sans never knew what to expect any more half of the time. Maybe more than half.

Ah. Well. This all could wait. No need to worry. And sometimes... change was good. It was just that now it was clearly time for another break... They deserved it. Twice as many required breaks for twice as many people.

Sans and Frisk began to walk towards the bar, but Frisk got caught up in greeting the dogs as they passed. Frisk offered their own brightest smile that they could to accompany their pets. And as Sans watched, he only saw one veiled, nervous glance to the other human in the corner.

But that was it.

A glance.

Then it was back towards the dogs.

It seemed to be just as Sans had expected: the suspicion over the weekend at every human that had walked by had been Chara... Or mostly Chara. There was still that something that had spooked the hell out of Frisk at the ceremony. But now, it was just Frisk. _Just_. And Sans was still uncomfortable with how obvious it was.

Luckily, dogs were colour blind and Doggo just blind. If Grillby noticed anything as they sat down and ordered their burger and fries, he didn't say anything about it either. He just nodded and made his way towards the back.

Frisk tapped the bar top sorta-in-tune with the music playing on the jukebox while they kicked softly. They seemed playful, but the look in their eyes was distracted as they watched the kitchen doors... Sans tried not to be bugged by the fact that they were avoiding him.

The food came, hot and steaming and Frisk inhaled deeply, letting out a contented hum as if everything was normal. Sans's smile widened as they picked up the burger and opened wide to take a bite.

**_Pfffffffffffftttttttt-!_ **

Frisk half chocked and pulled the burger down with a disgusted expression. But a second later Sans was rewarded by the real smile on their face. They lifted the crown and glared mockingly at the whoopee cushion sitting looking disgusting amongst their condiments.

"Sans!" They cried. Sans laughed and slid his burger over.

"here." He took the whoopee cushion off of his newly acquired order and began to reassemble it. "man, people's jokes in this place just keep gettin' weirder and weirder." Frisk laughed and a wave of relief washed over him. Though it didn't relieve all of his worry. Their eyes were still too dark and their smile was losing it's joy. It lingered like a sad shadow. It didn't seem real as they stared at their burger... Then it disappeared entirely.

"All of it was my fault..." They whispered. Sans abandoned the fry he had been trying to eat.

"frisk. frisk, no-"

"But it was. It was my fault... They only did that timeline for me, and then I didn't even help them like they needed. I didn't do anything. I couldn't. I was too busy being scared to do anything... And I... I didn't know what to do. I don't... And I..." They looked down and rested a hand against their neck as they tried to hide away in plain sight. "It was her all over again and I didn't know what to do." Their whispered voice trembled and something inside Sans stopped cold again. "All I could do was watch. All I could really do was watch! But at the same time-!"

"... frisk...?" Sans whispered as they fell silent. He had wanted to give everyone a break, but them sitting there holding something in wasn't good eith-

"Chara hates being the one in control..." Frisk said finally... "but it's me who is."

They were finally lifting their head.

"It's so terrifying. It's terrifying, Sans." They looked and sounded as if they wanted to start crying again but were keeping it under control and using the music to mask the sound of their voice from the others in the room. "I was back there and it was so dark, but all I ever have to do to get out is rise up, but Chara... Chara can't do that unless I let them. If I... If I wanted to... I could... It's too much, Sans. It's too much of it to have over everyone." They pressed their trembling lips together as a few tears escaped down their cheeks. "They were hurting themself, but the i-idea that I c-could just... overpower them... That I could **_control_** them. It was the Resets all over again! I didn't know what to do, what was right, but this time I did nothing and now it's hurting them again! They're in the d-dark..."

The song on the jukebox had come to an end and there was silence as another one loaded, but Frisk didn't have to strength to continue. A hand had come up to their face as they took a deep breath. Sans took the opportunity to lean over and put his arm around their shoulder.

"I'm sorry." They whispered quickly.

"it's okay-"

"I promised I wouldn't c-cry while they were gone." Frisk's cringe grew deeper. "They're gone and it's my fault-"

Sans leaned his head really close to their ear. Sans could tell that though the music had started up again, the others in the restaurant had started to notice Frisk's distress, glancing the duo's way but not saying anything.

"you know that's not why they're hurting right now, frisk, you know that. it's something much deeper than that, and it is not. **your**. fault."

"But it was then-" He squeezed their shoulder. Frisk flinched and Sans immediately let go. Maybe it wasn't the best idea... too close to a recently reopened wound. He slid his hand closer to the back of their neck and rubbed gently with his thumb, trying to calm them down.

"no, it wasn't. they would have always broke like that, they already were. you just had to let them face it." He told them. "all you could have done was be there for them." That seemed to do nothing, they still looked like they were on the brink of breaking. They covered the rest of their face with their other hand and pressed forcefully, trying their best to stop crying.

"But sometimes just being there doesn't work." Sans thought of Chara at first, but... he knew it was also more than that.

"you remember what i said, right?" Sans whispered. Frisk nodded, or more rightly, their entire body jerked in affirmation.

"It's n-not my j-job..." They managed, but was unable to finish as they breathed in deeply.

It wasn't their job to make everyone happy...

"But- Char-"

"shhhhh." Frisk breathed in deeply again. "you're right. chara's a bit different. but you can't keep beating yourself up over everything that's happened. you have to just... work on yourself, and pull them along. i mean... you two have to help each other. you have to keep reminding each other that you can stay. that you deserve to stay. that you aren't alone in anything. that's all you can do. you can't force anyone to accept it, even if you want to..." Frisk was lowering their hands from their face and Sans was relieved that they were at least looking at him, even if the look they were offering was broken and breaking him in turn. He pushed a bit of hair that was sticking to their wet cheeks behind their ear. There was just so much, too much guilt on their tear-streaked face. Too much guilt for one little person. Sans looked at it, really looked at it, trying to think of anything to say, and suddenly... Sans could see Toriel standing on the porch, looking disappointed as he had only felt half as much guilt. About the two of _them_.

"maybe we really fudged it up in the past, left it sit for a bit too long before helping, but... we're doing it now, aren't we?"

_"Doing it now matters."_

Frisk's eyes widened, as if the statement was surprising but familiar- Sans suddenly felt as if he had said something like that to them before, but he couldn't remember when. Or if he should.

"we're not gonna give up on them, as long as they're there, as much as they want us to, they're stuck with us. kay?"

"We?" Frisk repeated hopefully, just like they had when he had agreed to be there when they showed Toriel their back. Sans laughed a bit, unable to help himself, but his smile also shifted into an uneasy cringe as he ran his fingers through the rest of their hair.

"yeah, kiddo, we." He agreed. After all... "that promise i made was about looking after whoever came through that door, and well... that includes them, right?"

The tears in Frisk's eyes were drying. Sans tried to give his attention back to his food.

"besides..." Sans said as he picked up his burger. "they deserve it. the help." He took a bite. "you both do." Frisk stayed sitting wordlessly, watching him, their hands now clutching the edge of their seat too tightly. Sans felt like he was being dissected as he swallowed. "come on now, your food's gonna get cold."

"Sans..." Frisk began after a moment of them _not_ listening to him. "You're.. You're really okay with them?"

Sans stopped abruptly once more, their question took him by surprise, and even, almost felt ridiculous. But looking at their terrified expression once more, as he watched their too dark, too alert eyes... Sans sighed and leaned his cheekbone against his hand. He couldn't help but remember that two weeks ago, actually, not _even_ a day ago, Frisk had been terrified of what he would end up thinking about Chara. And that it had been justified.

"frisk, they're a hot mess. it's like they're worse than you and me put together!" Frisk was cringing, looking awful. Sans didn't feel too good either. He turned back towards his meal. Eventually he'd get to it, he knew. Hopefully before it was stone cold. But he... He stopped himself this time, staring at it emptily.

Good food, bad laughs...

Almost everything the anomaly needed.

Everything except something that Sans unfortunately understood a bit too well: their brother.. safe and sound.

Chara was a mess. He couldn't hate them. He knew them. And he hated that... he could even begin to more than imagine what it felt like to have the guilt of your brother's death pressing on you. And Papyrus had come back fine! He didn't even remember it, either of them. It's just a feeling to Sans, though an awful one, but with Chara... It was their obsession. It was their one thought for so long. Their battle to fix it. And then Frisk had gotten caught up between it and now they hated themself for that too...

And it was yet another thing he understood...

They were a mess, and... they needed help. They both needed help.

"i _want_ to help both of you, frisk." He promised. Frisk still seemed hesitant... Maybe they were resisting the desire to hope. "frisk, i know you didn't see our meeting, but you've seen us now, you know i'm not just faking this, right frisk?" Sans tried desperately. Frisk shook their head.

"No. You care." They told him. Sans sighed again. These two seemed to have a whole lot of unwarranted faith in him. Sans hoped he could live up to it. Cuz it was getting ridiculously up there. Sans saw Frisk lifting a hand up to their arm.

"frisk-"

They lowered it, but still looked extremely torn up.

"frisk, eat... there's nothing we can do right now but wait for 'em. and if they take too long, you can always check in, right?" Frisk nodded slowly. Sans nodded resolutely. "eat."

Frisk leaned back over the bar top as Sans took another fry for himself. They lifted their burger and bit into it. They chewed slowly, and with the way they kept on blinking, Sans could tell they were trying not to cry. There seemed to be a lump in their throat whenever they swallowed.

Sans ate, intending not to speak up again, but his mind was all sorts of places. He was thinking over their story so far... These two needed help, so much more help than he could give them. He was barely handling a lot of shit himself. And then there was Frisk's reaction that morning to hearing Sans and Chara had interacted that Sans had to think over too. Their surprise... That meant Chara hadn't told Frisk it had happened, had kept it a secret. That meant that they weren't telling Frisk everything and that meant there was probably even more skeletons buried in their closet that they were trying to deal with alone.

He had said they didn't have to tell anything they didn't want to... But at the same time... Sans stopped eating, feeling sorta sick.

They couldn't, they just couldn't stay hidden like that...

But what could they do? Forcing THAT would not go well AT ALL. And maybe in the end, waiting for Flowey was the best thing. But Sans knew about waiting... You told yourself that you would do something at a certain time but that certain time kept getting pushed back. Excuse after excuse, you just didn't do it. Yeah, he understood perfectly how that worked. It was best to take one thing at a time, but sometimes you never moved on to that next thing... It was going to be so hard to figure all of that out...

Sans sighed and continued to eat.

The jukebox was now playing something lively but the atmosphere between them felt tense. Like they were in their own little bubble as the world worked around them. Or at least, tried to work around them. Grillby was on the other end of the bar cleaning glasses but he kept looking over in concern. The dogs seemed distracted in their game. The human was standing up to leave, a strange expression on his face. Everyone had noticed the conversation even if they hadn't actually heard it.

The tension was everywhere.

"hey." Sans started up again after he popped one last fry. Frisk lifted their head, giving him their hazy attention. "what did the skeleton waiter say to the dog?"

"Bone-appetite." Sans laughed.

"guess that was a bit predictable. 'kay. what's a dog's favorite instrumen-"

"Trom _bone_."

"well! why was the cat afraid of the tree?"

"I... Because of- it has bark!"

"because of it's bark." Sans chuckled in agreement. "what did the dog say to the flea?" Frisk played with the fry between their fingers as they thought. "stop _bugging_ me." Frisk snickered. "kay. got a story for ya then." He said, raising his voice loud enough to carry over the restaurant. "a man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing poker with his dog. after watchin' for awhile, he said: 'i can hardly believe it. that's the smartest dog i've ever seen!' but guess what his friend said?"

"What?" Frisk allowed quietly.

"nah, he's not so smart, he owes me ten gold."

"HEY!" Sans turned towards the poker table where Doggo was glaring in his general direction. "That's some talk for somebody who owed Greater Dog five bones just last week!"

"yeah? and who owed him seven dog treats?"

"Doggo.."

"..did."

"Doggo needs to step- _pup_ his game." Frisk offered. Sans sat up with surprise in his seat, but after a second his smile genuinely widened. The other dogs at the table howled as Doggo shook his head.

"You couldn't do better." He grumbled.

"i don't know, doggo, the kid's got a good head on their shoulder. deal 'em in and they might end up _frisking_ you for everything ya got by the end." There was a disapproving noise from across the counter where Grillby stood but Frisk was already brightening.

"Can I play?!" They asked.

"uh-"

"Uhhh..."

"Woof!" Greater Dog let out, scooting over to make room.

"Of..!"

"... Course!"

Frisk was off of their seat and bounding over in seconds. Doggo, who had just gotten done dealing, sighed as he pulled the cards back over to him so he could try again. Sans pulled up a chair and sat across from Frisk and Greater Dog as the others began to offer Frisk the rules. And as they did, Sans was once again frozen in place, his breath caught. The too dark eyes had begun to lighten, as from somewhere buried deep, Frisk coaxed Chara forward.

Frisk leaned across the table excitedly, and Sans cold _see_ them catching their real partner up on what was happening. Their eyes were flicking back and forth, the explanations whispered under their breath, and as they did it seemed as if Frisk was unfolding out in front of him. It was as if they were sitting straighter, as if they were holding their head higher as something filled them out from the inside.

Sans let out a soft sigh of relief.

The kids looked over his way, a wide smile on their face as they held their cards close to their chest.

"what, think you can beat me?" Sans asked. There was a wave of red in their eyes as their smile shifted, as they looked almost like they wanted to devour him.

"No bones about it."

"What...?"

"... No bones?!"

Oh.

Sans glanced back over towards the counter where Grillby stood with his arms crossed disapprovingly.

Ooooh. Yeah, no, that _wasn't_ happening. He had been joking!

"uh. guys. about that." Sans began. "...toriel would have our heads."

There seemed to be a moment of collective understanding. Chara and Frisk were still smiling.

Besides, Sans knew better than to bet against them. He would never dare to.

And even if he did…. They knew all of his poker faces and he was only half aware of all of theirs.

But speaking of faces... Sans continued to eye them, pretending to sit casual as the game started.

This. This face. The face they were making right then, with Greater Dog leaned over them, with the other dogs giving them pointers, their eyes closed and their head back. The laughter as Lesser Dog bounded close, not understanding what was going on but wanting in on the excitement.

Laughing… like an actual, normal kid.

This face… This face was better than anything. Out of all the faces he's seen, this one he preferred the most. Even with the signs of tears that lingered around their eyes, because in the end, those signs were fading and would continue to fade.

He'd make sure of it. He promised.

They'd all do better.

Together.

….

…

..

hey, paps, have you seen that 'annoying' dog lately? (Sent 4:43 pm)

FORTUNATELY NO! (Sent 4:44 pm)

WHY DO YOU ASK? THAT SEEMS LIKE AN AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS LINE OF THOUGHT. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PLOT WITH MY MORTAL ENEMY?! (Sent 4:47 pm)

eh nothing. don't worry about it. (Sent 4:48 pm)

SANS?! (Sent 4:49 pm)

SANS YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE IN CAHOOTS WITH THAT MENACE! (Sent 4:50 pm)

i'll tell ya about it later. (Sent 4:57 pm)

…

..


	32. Affording To Have Not So Good Ideas

Sans actually enjoyed driving. It wasn't something he had expected. When he had started to study with Papyrus it had been rooted in helping his brother and in the fact that if they were getting this car, he might as well be able to use it. The opportunity to tease his brother had also helped it along, but... No, Sans actually enjoyed it. There was something about it. Almost relaxing. Sans could slip in behind the wheel and just drive. It demanded just enough attention while letting him simultaneous slip away. He could think or not think.

And... there came with it a sense of accomplishment.

It had been nice to study. To work towards something.

He hadn't done that in a long time.

Frisk and Chara were leaning out the window as the wheels turned in gravel, angling their head so their gold eyes could travel up the side of the mountain. Up the mountain, into a cave, down a hole, and onto a patch of little, yellow flowers... Their small breather was ending, they still had so many things to do... Sans wished they could just stop.

But he knew they couldn't afford to.

He parked next to the other cars. There were still more than a handful of monsters and now also humans that came here every day. Some of them were scientists, others were the employees who still worked to maintain the Core as it was decided what to do with. And there had been a discussion rising up in figuring out how to apply it's principles to surface life. But... for all that the Core had been crucial to life underground, it seemed not many people knew much about it. Sans found himself looking for the vehicle he had seen Alphys riding in on occasion with one of the human professors, but when he found it he had already remembered that she was still with Undyne.

The cave was startling easy to find but that may have been because Frisk already knew the way. Or at least had an idea of which way to head. It was half hidden by bramble and a lot smaller than Sans had expected. He could barely stand fully inside without needing to crouch but perhaps that put it directly in the line of sight of a child. But still, Sans was surprised that one, let alone eight, children had stumbled in.

He could see the hole though, once he had stood in the darkness long enough.

"this maybe isn't a good idea." Sans finally admitted.

"None of our ideas have ever been good." Sans wanted to give them a sympathetic look, but he couldn't see their face clearly. So instead he pulled them in. "Ooph-" He had them entrapped and he bent down to rest his chin on top of their head with an exaggerated sigh.

"yeah. letting me know chara was there was probably the worse of them." He felt them tense and he heard their breath catch. "do you realize all the puns i can do? and nobody will even be able to call me out on it?" He felt their panic rise.

"My mom!" Chara cried. Sans chuckled.

"i'm kidding." He promised, squeezing them. They let out an irritated hum as they slumped against him. "but i can actually think of a few ideas that weren't all that bad."

"Like what?" They mumbled.

"... like letting me know you're there."

They were tense again, but this time... they had nothing to say. He desperately wished he could see their face.

"now i gotta say, climbing up a mountain nobody was said to ever come back from was probably, _actually_ , a really, really bad idea." He admitted. "and uh... looking at how dark this cave can get... that'd be the cherry on top. but, heh. i wouldn't say it turned out too bad in the end, would you?"

He knew that'd be exactly what they would say but they also couldn't. Because it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't the worse either...

"but ya know what the worse decision you've made?"

"W-What?"

"that straight you pulled!" They snickered despite themself.

"But I won that-"

"yeah! and now imma hold it against ya. forever." They laughed again. "admit it." He said, pretending to tighten his grip. "ya played before." They shook their head, but not much considering his chin was still on top. "right. but i'll _hand_ it to ya. it was a good play." They were recovering from laughing as he pulled back. "alright, let's get out of the dark, kay?" He asked, stepping cautiously over to the hole. He glanced down. He couldn't really see anything, except... maybe a bit of yellow. "alright, hold on." They grasped his hand.

If he hadn't been there before, this would have been impossible. So they were lucky he had trekked his way out to find them two months ago or else they would have had to taken the long way around through all of the security that had been posted to keep away would be adventurers and other people who had no business being there. Not that _they_ would have been stopped, but... This was also just closer to their destination.

And a part of Sans had been curious, too.

"on three: one, tw-"

"Three!"

They jump and Sans struggled to jump with them fast enough. In an instant one darkness changed for another and they landed gently upon the patch of little, yellow flowers as they exited the shortcut. The look on Frisk's face was something sick. Sans could see, or really smell, why. The smell was vibrant and if it weren't for what he knew, he would have called it nice. He couldn't stop himself from looking up... He could see the teeth.

Frisk and Chara weren't looking at him or the ceiling, the gold eyes were anxiously scanning the area. They took in a breath- They looked like they wanted to call out but stopped just short of it. Instead they lowered their gaze and began to walk forward. Sans was kinda curious as to what name they would have called, but maybe... that was the problem.

They were picking up the pace. There were too many memories here.

Resetting, sobbing as their mother held them, their brother...

Sans followed after them, re-examining the area, seeing all of the shadows and their hidden ghosts.

"There!" Frisk cried as they entered the room with the split staircase and Sans stopped short, looking up at the sight of the Ruins looming overhead... He had missed that the first time, his back had been turned.

Frisk and Chara were bounding forward and coming to a stop in the middle of the room, in front of a pile of crumbling, dried out leaves. Their hand lifted out in front of them. Sans watched closely, taking in how their eyes closed and they breathed out in what sounded like relief, like they had let out some sort of tension from their lungs. But when their eyes opened, their expression grew more serious, as if the 'Save Star' had somehow offended them. He could see the thoughts on their face.

"what?" Sans asked. Their lips pressed together. "something wrong?" They shook their head.

"No... It's just... not as warm."

"it's cold?" He was thinking about all of the times they had mentioned the Stars being warm, and that the one in Judgment Hall was cold, and how all of them had been when they'd... well... But they were now shaking their head.

"Not cold."

"just not as warm." Sans repeated. They were staring at their hand.. "was it like that last time with Asgore and Alphys?"

"... I'm not sure. If it was, I didn't notice."

They had asked while leaving Grillby's to come and Save, explaining that they had done it before. That it was just a security measure, they promised.

_"Afterall, we can't..."_

Die.

That was a line of thought Sans hadn't wanted to encourage so he hadn't pushed them to finish that sentence, but he had agreed to bring them, he had assured he believed them.

Their eyes were searching the room again.

"have you seen him?" Sans asked.

"Not since we fell asleep in the Ruins." They said softly with a shake of their head. They hesitated... taking a moment to gather the courage to start walking again, and maybe hoping to still catch a glimpse. They took the stairs two at a time.

The Ruins felt emptier than last time... They had seemed nearly deserted before, with everyone sleeping or moving out towards the opened Barrier. Now... There appeared to be no one... even if he knew that wasn't exactly true.

Frisk and Chara knew the area by heart, not even having to lift their head. They could have probably done it with their eyes close-!

That wasn't the case for Sans.

The floor beneath his feet gave way as he walked beside them, and he called out briefly in shock as they disappeared. He didn't get the chance to teleport before hitting the ground.

"ugh-"

"Sans?!" They called out fearfully. He took in a deep breath and groaned loudly. He could hear them giggling from above. He had to smile. When he rejoined them a few minutes later they were still smiling softly but there was something pained in their eyes that seeped with more red.

"I guess you could say that your plan to just follow along really _fell through_." Sans stopped, frowning at Chara. Their smile was tense and awkward. "I know the feeling."

"chara..."

"Well it's true." They countered. They stepped in closer. "And it's when it fell entirely through that Alphys found us." He paused.

"in the lab?" They nodded. His not-stomach turned...

...

...

Chara was just...

..

They were just...

.

Just...

So tired...

Frisk was still holding onto them tight, squeezing mercilessly, and Chara couldn't let go even though a part of them reasoned that, they should...

They couldn't do this... They couldn't... They just wished that...

Chara bent down further, still crying loudly but oh so tired. So tired of it all-

Something cold and sticky touched their back and Chara screamed, jolting forward as they tried to get away but couldn't. Their shoulder collided with the broken mirror and they cried out in pain as their eyes opened wide. Quickly they lifted a hand to press into the new wound, but their hand screamed in pain as well. It all hurt. They seethed, their eyes pressing shut, trying to block out the pain in darkness as they collapsed onto the floor again. But there was still the thing that had touched them.

Chara opened their eyes, and through the haze they say a tall, grey figure retreating, slipping away into the darkness.

"Broken. Broke." An unfamiliar voice whispered before the faceless figure disappeared entirely.

"RiCourayoudontgetbit." Tried another, getting closer. Chara breathed in sharply, trying to get themself back together as they remembered the amalgamates. Chara hadn't expected them to still be around, they always seemed to join up with Alphys after Chara encountered them.

Chara rested against the broken surface, ignoring the pain in every part of their body. Now that their panic was subsiding, they... they were beginning to not feel anything The tears were still streaming down Frisk's cheeks and their breath uneven, but they were hollowing out. They felt so cold, so tired... their mind was having difficulty concentrating... But they could see the blood staining their sleeves. They squeezed tighter, hugged tighter. No... That was Frisk. Chara was just staring, at the red that spread and they couldn't bring themself to be concerned. They adverted their gaze from the red, instead staring blankly past Reaper Bird and above the broken pots, and into the darkness.

"What are you so afraid of?""Shudder, Shudder.""Don't give up!" The Reaper Bird called, getting itself together just enough to make their voice intelligible. Chara's eyes closed and they slumped forward.

It didn't matter... They'd ruined everything... Everything.

The best thing they could do was bleed out and Load. But Loading...

There was a loud bark and for a second they thought it was Reaper Bird again, but-

"O-O-Oh!" Chara forced themself to lift their head. Through their half-lidded gaze they had difficulty focusing but they could make out Alphy's hazy frame in the doorway and a few greyed out beings with her... "Oh My God!" Alphys exclaimed, she moved as if she wanted to rush over to them, but she had to stop.

"Bro... ken...?" Chara heard Snowdrakes Mother drone.

The floor was littered with broken glass and porcelain, if Alphys wanted to get to them she would have to be careful.

"Broke...n." Snowdrake's Mother repeated in affirmation.

Alphys stepped through the debris, Endogeny bounding forward beside her, not paying any heed to the mess. Alphys bent down, the anxiety pulsing off of her, but Chara... Chara couldn't even bring themself to be annoyed. Or... anything. They just stared at Alphys who was looking them over.

"O-oh..." She managed again.

"Hur...t."

"Woof!"

"Broke...en."

"Finally someone gets it.""Nod, nod.""There's still hope."

_**Hope?,**_ For a brief moment, it seemed as if one emotion remained, but it also drained as Alphys got too close and they forced themself to shut down.

"Wh-What h-h-happened?!" Alphys asked. She looked over towards Reaper Bird, her eyes wide and Chara could tell she was concerned that this was somehow from a Fight. Chara closed their eyes and leaned forwards again, cringing deeply as the pain flooded through them. "O-Oh! W-Wait! Just! I-I-I... We have to get you out of h-here. A-A-And th-then... th-the glass..." Chara felt hesitant hands touch their shoulders and Chara took a sharp breath. The hands released them. "C-Can you...?"

Chara was already trying to stand in response, but they found that they... really couldn't. They slumped back down against the shattered mirror.

"Ah!" Alphys reached out despite her fear of them and pulled them forward. They found themself propped up against her. "O-Okay.. Okay... Just... O-Okay." Alphys stuttered. "L-Let's j-just... move. And then... C-come on." She encouraged, taking half a careful step forward. Chara stumbled, slipping a bit from Alphys' grasp. But all Chara found was dog. Endogeny whimpered, trying to put it's huge head under their arm. Chara cried out in pain, they couldn't help it. Their arms were the worst of it. "Endogeny, shoo! Sh-Shoo!" The dog whined more loudly, but Snowdrake's Mother edged her way slowly between the dogs and Chara.

"Hu...rt." She tried to explain again. "Broke...en." Chara lifted their head to try and look at her, a new set of tears were building up in their eyes, a tight lump in their throat. "Oh no. No..." She said. "No... Laugh. Haha." She mimicked, trying to remind them of how they had helped her.

"I... I can't." Chara managed. There was a strangled laugh escaping their chest and it died immediately as if to show her. They couldn't laugh this one off. They couldn't even laugh at how absurd it was. How impossible. How outrageous. Chara's breath shuttered with tears.

"C-Come on." Alphys encouraged again. "W-We ca-can patch y-you up in the other r-room." She continued to lead them along, and the amalgamates followed behind. It was long and tedious and Chara was just... so. tired.

They were settled down onto a bed and Chara immediately wanted to fall backwards and pass out. Alphys was letting go of them, dashing about, gathering up everything she could, and Chara sat with their head spinning. They- Endogeny was watching intently, wanting desperately to hover closer and all it took was one reaching movement of Chara's bleeding hand for the dogs to come over so Chara could rest their body against them like they wanted to. The dog panted anxiously as it rested its head against Chara's lap. The slimy, goopy dog indented beneath their weight.

"Sa...fe." Snowdrake's Mother promised. "Safe." Endogeny whined again.

Chara was just... so tired. So...

Endogeny and Frisk were just so warm against them... Even as Chara felt so cold and empty.

They were just so tired... of... everything.

_Ch-Chara?_ , They could sense Frisk's fear, their concern and anxiety of what happened next. The most reasonable thing would be to Load...

But then they would have to face the tapes again... And...

There wasn't a point. A point to anything...

Why were they here? Why did they _stay?_

Alphys was back and Chara watched absently as she fretted. She pulled back their sleeves, the horror growing on her expression. There was glass cut into their fingers and hands and the cuts didn't stop there. They were pretty sure their right shoulder was bleeding still, too. And they could taste the blood on their bottom lip. It was becoming increasingly clear that this had not been the product of a Fight... with an Amalgamate at least. Alphys glanced at their face but the golden-red eyes were unfocusing and Chara stared past her tail and towards the floor.

"I-I think... we sh-should t-take off y-your shirt." She said, "There's t-too much g-glass in it." Chara didn't respond and Alphys looked, trying to see if there was a way to get the shirt off without moving them too much.

"Just cut it **off**." Chara snapped, a moment of irritation bubbling in their chest. Alphys jumped but then began to reach for the scissors. Chara felt Frisk freeze in terror as Alphys began to work towards cutting the back from the bottom up- "WAIT!" Chara cried, remembering, a spark of alarm racing through them. Alphys stopped short.

"W-What? Does it hurt? D-Did-?"

"Just the sleeves." Chara ordered. "Just cut the sleeves."

"O-Oh.. Um, b-but your sh-shoulder...?"

_It's... It's okay..._ , Frisk said weakly.

No. It wasn't.

LOA-

The Load cut off with a sharp gasp, the recent memories assaulting them, that pulling sensation in Frisk's chest, the whisp of time just on the brink of snapping back but failing too. The gold-red eyes squeezed shut, clouding them in darkness.

"Just the sleeves." Chara ordered. The hold on the back of Frisk's shirt disappeared and Alphys moved back around them. She took Chara's wrist and pulled it slowly out towards her, and she began to cut. They could only imagine the growing horror on her face as she did, they could hear her breathing pick up.

They felt something cool and sticky... Snowdrake's Mother was doing her best to help Alphys pick out the glass that they could.

"Th-These are kinda deep." Alphys told them. "I d-don't think I'll be a-able to heal- heal them well. It's not... r-really my... thing?" She explained. "A-And food o-only does so m-much, wh-when the damage isn't m-magical. When i-it's..." Physical. Emotional.

Chara's eyes opened and they stared at the hand that Alphys wasn't currently working on. There was blood beginning to dry between their fingers. They coiled them together tightly.

"S-Stop!" Alphys cried as Frisk began to whimper. "St-.." Chara squeezed tighter. Alphys didn't have the nerve to get physical and force them to stop. Chara gritted their teeth and squeezed all they could. Frisk began to reach out-

"WOOF!" Chara startled as the vibrations of the noise rushed through them from the creature in their lap. They stopped squeezing and Frisk pried their fingers loose again. The new blood dripped steadily. Alphys seemed to be holding her breath as all of the other Amalgamate's pressed closer.

Someone was humming...

For the first time Chara realized Lemon Bread had joined the circle. Lemon Bread got closer, the smell of lemon mixing with the smell of dog as they continued to try and soothe Chara with their voice. Alphys stood, terrified as she watched Chara, afraid of what they were going to do. Frisk was the same... And Chara... Chara just slacked back down against Endogeny... It didn't matter. But Alphys was getting back to work in patching them up. She apologized, her words a circle of nonsense as she motioned to their wounds. Chara barely got that she was going to clean them... When Alphys pressed down against the open cuts Chara couldn't stop from calling out before biting down hard on their bleeding, bottom lip, trying their best to bury themself deeper against Endogeny. The tears were building up behind their eyelids and Lemon Bread hummed louder...

"That takes guts.""Ribbit Ribbit.""Courage."

"Brave face. Be brave." Snowdrake's Mother cooed. "S...Snow use... crying."

Chara was looking between the group of Monsters. All of them were stuck together, a bunch of goopy mistakes... Stuck and miserably and all of it was one person's fault... Their eyes trailed away from Lemon Bread and then their gaze rested on Alphys...

Chara kept staring, the pain building in their chest.

"I'm never going to forgive us." Chara said, their voice cracking. Alphys' eyes widened in surprise and she looked up. "Never..."

"Wh-What do you mean? U-Us? M-Me?"

The tears were building up, blurring their already hazy gaze as Endogeny slobbered beneath them.

"No," Chara whispered. "Not you..."

Just them.

Because it was Alphys' doing but at the same time... hadn't Chara asked? Hadn't Chara asked anyone to save him?

Just not realizing it was impossible.

Or what that would mean...

They'd messed up. Chara had messed up so bad and they couldn't fix it. Couldn't blame it on anyone else. Because what if Asriel had been there the whole time, sleeping too, like the monsters fallen down? Just needing a bit of determination? Just needing something to latch on to like Chara had?

Just a thought. Less than a thought. Stuck. Unloading. Stuck... They... They shouldn't have... They should have never...

Chara breathed in sharply, their face twisting in pain, their chest tight as the gold-red eyes stung and they tried to swallow. They hadn't thought they had anything left in them, but... the pressure was building up inside them.

"Should have never touched the flowers." They blurted out before breathing in sharply again as a few tears traced down their face. It hurt. Their chest hurt. Their heart- "I... I should have never touched the flowers!" Chara cried, burying their face against Endogeny who whined.

Chara could hear the distressed noises from the Amalgamates, and they assumed that Alphys was still so unsure of what to say, to do... That she was standing there sweating anxiously.

"W-Well..."

"I should have never...! Nothing...!"

Nothing good had come out of it. Nothing. Absolutely nothing! Not a single thing-

_We never would have met._

Chara gasped in pain, but they lifted their head a bit, letting themself breathe in. Their eyes remained unfocused as they stared towards the ground. They were frozen in place.

_We never would have met_. Frisk tried again. The pain was squeezing in Chara's chest again.

_You would.. would have been better off-_

_You helped me make it through. You helped me open up to everyone. You gave me ideas. You told me jokes. You help me! I... You're...!_

_I...,_ Chara shuttered, they closed their eyes, letting the darkness seep over them. _I'm the reason you need any help to begin with! I'm the cause of each of you problems! Flowey! Asgore! Even the Resets!_

They... They just wanted to Save Asriel. They had just been a thought, the last feelings and emotions of that failed Load. All they had wanted, wanted so desperately...

They had told Frisk that Frisk kept coming back because they wanted to, and that was true. Frisk wanted to, in some way, some how. And the same was true... for Chara.

First for Asriel, in the darkness of their own grave... And then the determination to fix it. And once that ran out, to end it. To just end it all. To erase. But now there was something new- No. That wasn't true. They had just looped back a ways. Because there was a stage missing in all of that. There had been Asriel first, but before they realized there was anything they could try and fix, before they knew Flowey for who he truly was... There had been Frisk.

Standing together before the Barrier, Frisk screaming to the world that they wanted to go back... their determination swelling... Chara had doubted, but Chara had also...

And now it was their reason again. But less...

Because Frisk couldn't Load, Save, even Reset if Chara were to disappear into nothing. More than nothing. If only they could just be a thought again, just be there and let Frisk use them but stay in the dark? Why didn't Frisk just give up? If they... What if they weren't...?

_"I'll go get the flowers." Their hand reaching up and touching the Save Star, letting it's warmth burn... They could do this... They would... SAVE._

They didn't have a Soul... They had been just a thought. They were just a Save... a Save and a ghost of determination. Not even real. A copy of a mistake. They-

_That's not true!_ , Frisk cried.

Chara hadn't even realized that their thoughts were still leaking through, but they couldn't bring themself to gather enough energy to put the guard back up, and Frisk- _It isn't true! You're not just a Save! You're more than that! When- When Flowey takes my Save files, erases them! You're still there! You're not a copied mistake! You're not! You're Chara!_

Chara slumped down again against Endogeny, a new tear escaping...

Because they knew Frisk was right. They honestly had just been trying to convince themself. Because if they weren't real they could retreat, they could ignore the pain, the regret, the feelings that didn't matter.

Being just a Save would let them do so much...

And without it, that just put them back to being a demon...

_You're not! You're not!_ , The tears were Frisk's, Chara realized, they were coming up stronger, more frequently. _You're not a Save! You're not a mistake! You're not a demon or a problem! You're not! You're Chara and you're my friend!_

Chara felt as if they were being smothered on both sides, as they buried their head against Endogeny and Frisk held on and flooded them with desperate warmth.

_You're Chara! You're Chara and you're my friend! And even if a lot of bad things did happen, I will always be glad I met you! And that... and that... you became my family._

Their eyes squeezed shut, as Frisk stopped, needing a moment to collect themself again. The words were too much. Too intimidating.

_I love you and you're my family._ Frisk finished.

_Fr-Frisk... I..._ Chara could feel the determination rising up to silence them.

_You're not._

The sad warmth was too much...

Chara broke into sobs again, unable to stop as Frisk didn't help the situation by crying themself.

A small tug on their arm made them resurface and Alphys was giving them another apologetic expression as she explained she was going to clean their other arm that they hadn't even noticed her working on. Chara nodded and buried their face again, jerking as the pain flooded their system. This time they clung to Frisk instead of biting at their lip.

"A-Alright.." Alphys tried, her uneven voice didn't allow her to achieve the soothing voice she wished. "Hold on." She told them, trying her best to keep her own shaky fingers steady. Chara lifted their head and watched her begin to wrap their left arm. Chara could feel Frisk holding their 'breath'. But once Alphys was done, they found that it wasn't that bad. It was just like a tight sleeve. "H-Here..." Alphys offered them some of the left over fabric and Chara stared unsure of what she wanted them to do with it. "Y-your.. nose."

Chara took the fabric and blew into it, and then used the clean end to wipe at their face, not really caring much.

"I... I g-got as much of your sh-shoulder as I could th-through the fabric. I could st-still-" Chara shook their head adamantly. "O-Oh... well... then I g-guess there is only-" There was a crinkling of plastic and Endogeny was lifting its head at super sonic speeds, almost colliding with Chara.

"O-Oops. I f-forgot, th-they still haven't eatin." Alphys realized as the amalgamates converged on her and her bag of Popato Chisps. "W-Wait! Stop! This is for the human! Y-You'll all get y-your food!" The amalgamates shrunk back, but Chara could tell the irritation and hunger remained. "H-Here. Th-Their a bit stale." She said apologetically as she handed it to them. "B-But it's a-all I got r-right now."

The chisps were too stale and salty but their mouth already tasted like salt from crying so it was good enough, they reasoned.

Endogeny let out a soft growling, wanting the chisps and Chara resisted the temptation to offer the dog one and cause what would have essentially been a riot for Alphys.

"I w-was going to f-feed them, but... uh,t-the power went out and I've been trying to put it back on! But found somebody was a-already working on it, and... uh.. then I was... led this way, and I... I still have to do that, so.. l-let me go do those two things and then I'll be r-right back, okay?" Chara just nodded.

Alphys darted off, and the amalgamates were racing after her. Chara indulged Endogeny in one of their chisps before the dog also bounded off for something tastier.

They should eat the pie...

But the idea of it... turned their stomach.

They were just... so tired. They began to drift down, wanting so desperately to sleep...

"H-Hey..." Someone was shaking their arm and Chara woke to Frisk jolting. Chara opened their eyes, dizzy and disoriented and Alphys was over them. Someone had pulled the covers over them, but it wasn't her... She seemed the opposite of okay with them sleeping down here. "I got th-the power back on, and everyone else i-is upstairs. I'm taking them h-home, I want you to.. to come up with me. You shouldn't be... down here by... by yourself. You can have m-my bed."

Chara wasn't listening, just standing up to her lead and letting her guide them away.

"I... I also... w-wanted to ask you-"

Chara's phone was ringing, cutting her off and she waited patiently. But Chara didn't answer it. They let it ring and ring as the elevator ascended and Alphys' confusion grew. The phone cut off mid-ring.

"Can... Can I ask you s-something?" Alphys said after an awkward moment. Though they guessed every moment of her life was awkward. They just shrugged, but they stopped, their face wide with pain as their shoulder protested. "Ah! D-Don't... I... When we get up, I'll give you a.. a spare shirt! Y-You can cl-clean it then y-yourself wh-when we leave and... and..." Alphys sighed heavily, giving up. The door of the elevator opened but Alphys wasn't moving and Chara was too weak to go by themself. "C-Can I ask why... what you were down there?" Alphys finally asked. "I... I mean... I appreciate it? I was... was afraid I wouldn't come back. That I'd... be too afraid. To tell the truth... That I might run away, or do something... cowardly. So I do... do appreciate it. Except..." She sighed again. "I know you don't like me very much."

_"... but is it more than you hate yourself?"_

Chara lowered their gaze to the floor, they looked at her yellow foot beside theirs. It was better than looking at her face...

"N-Not that I blame you... I... I deserve it. But... Whatever it is that's.. that's bothering you.. Everyone is helping me, and I..."

Alphys sighed again and began to walk Chara out of the elevator after another moment of silence. Chara rested too heavily against her for a moment and they stopped.

"You're not..." Chara's voice cracked, their throat was too dry. Alphys didn't move or say anything, she couldn't possibly know what they meant if they actually said anything... Chara licked their scabbed lips and swallowed. "I had to face some truths, too." They told her as honestly as possible. Alphys hesitated but then nodded slowly. She then helped them along into the 'bathroom' and let them down gently.

"I'll be, right back." And she was, with a clean shirt. "H-Here... You can..." They both came to the same conclusion that they probably couldn't at the same time. If it weren't for the dried blood maybe, but... Chara didn't have the strength otherwise.

"I... need your help." They admitted. "But you can't look at their back!" Chara demanded. Alphys stood, blinking... Chara's face was flushing red as they realized their slip.

LOA-

But...

"You just help with the shirt." They repeated softly... Alphys nodded and they could tell as she helped rip the shirt off that she was trying her best even though she didn't know why they were so adamant about it. Chara glanced at the shoulder... It wasn't that bad now that it was visible. Not as deep. They put the shirt on over top of it. A solid red one that came to their knees and the sleeves past their fingers. The other one was ruined beyond repair and they watched Alphys throw it out...

And then she helped them up and they made their way out together past the amalgamates and up to her bed.

Chara collapsed without another thought into darkness.

They were just so tired...

...

..

The gold red eyes shot open at the sound! Like a pile of rocks falling to the ground, like something shattering! Chara struggled to catch their breath as Frisk shifted, trying to wake up too. Chara looked over the stairs to see Alphys rushing around.

"Oh great!" She huffed, trying her best to collect the dog food that was rolling around at her feet. She was trying her best to recollect it into the bag. Chara picked themself up, their head killing them and everything feeling sore and painful and heavy but at the same time much better. Sleep, magic food, and a change of clothes had really helped even if their mouth tasted of death. They came down the stairs to join her. Alphys lifted her head in surprise and they saw the fear in her expression. "O-Oh! I'm sorry! I did not mean to wake y-you!" Chara shook their head.

"What are you doing?" They asked, their cracking voice making them sound as if they had a soar throat.

"O-Oh, just... I don't need this anymore. I was.. going to give it t-to the families!" Alphys was sweating. "It's just... really, really heavy." Chara stared for a moment, a decision twisting inside of them.

"You should have asked your girlfriend to help you." They told her.

"Hah!' Alphys was blushing now, sputtering at the thought, she pressed a hand against her cheek. "I...!" Chara smiled weakly.

"You make a cute couple." They admitted. Alphys seemed to pause, and Chara felt a prick of uncertainty. It was not the reaction they had expected. She looked at them, the thoughts clear in her eyes as she saw through them. At the truce the veiled statement contained. Chara stepped forward, sweeping a bit of dog food with their feet towards the bag. Alphys went back to work. Chara lifted their head, eyeing the chair at her desk.

They only got halfway through Hotland, halfway to the River Person before the wheels on the bottom of the chair melted through. Chara stared at the heavy bag resting sadly in the seat.

"I thought it was a good idea!" Alphys offered.

"...Yeah." Chara had thought so too.

_I wouldn't have thought of it at all!_ Frisk said.

_... Yeah._

.

Sans had followed their lead into an astonishing sight. It took his breath away. The shadows that had loomed before were now clear and flooded with half-lit light.

"i guess we know why they call 'em the ruins." Sans told them. The kids eyed him, unsure of what he meant as they supported themself with the railing. "it would sure have been ruinous to miss it."

They looked out across the scene, lifting higher on their tippy-toes...

"Yeah."


	33. Needing To Be Loved

Their hands had started to bleed again beneath their bandages, they could tell.

It had been a mistake to help Alphys carry the bag of dog food, cradling it between the two of them as they faced each other. They could have easily just called Undyne like Chara had said and she would have been there in a flash. It was just... If Undyne came, Chara wouldn't have been able to hide their arms for long even with the long sleeves. Even if they pulled the sleeves up over their fingers. And they idea of her seeing that so soon after her extensive 'training'... Well... Alphys had tried to protest as Chara had bent down to scoop their hands underneath the bag, and Frisk had cried out too. But for Alphys Chara had hushed her with a sharp glance and for Frisk a bitter _I'm **fine**_.

But it had hurt the whole way and since they had been facing Alphys they had had little to no chance to hide that fact. And now they were bleeding again. So much for fine.

They hissed when they slid their end of the bag down into the snow and they pulled their arms up, flexing their fingers painfully to gauge the damage.

"A-Are you alright?" Alphys asked, trying to get closer and look them over. Chara cringed and shook their head... "Y-You should e-eat something else." She advised.

They were standing in the shadow of Grillby's. The shop was just across the way. The pie sat waiting in their inventory.

Chara could feel Frisk staying alert right next to them, knowing all of this.

Chara's cringed deepened.

"I don't think food is going to help much." They admitted. They had full HP. Technically. "Like you said, food doesn't do much when it's... physical."

"I.. I just w-wish I could do more." Alphys said, putting her hands together as she looked at them, downcast. "But I'm really n-not a healer."

_Their mother's magic washing over them. Trying her best to soothe their blisters. Trying her best-_

_"Chara... We want you to wake up."_

_Frisk's tender bruises disappearing, sweetly-_

_"You will get an apology."_

_Waking up in the shed-_

Chara blinked in surprise as the memory bounced up with the rest.

Waking up in the 'Capture Zone' with no pain despite just having been pummeled. Not even a headache. Just a sore back from laying on the ground.

"I'll go to Papyrus." Alphys and Frisk perked up in surprise, and after a moment, Chara was surprised they had said it too.

"P-Papyrus?" Alphys blinked but then began to nod. "Th-That makes sense..." She mused, her hand to her chin as she thought it over. Chara pressed their hurting lips together.

"Does it?" They sounded distracted, though, like they didn't really want an answer... Because they didn't.

_*The easiest enemy._

"W-Well. I guess you should go now, then. The sooner, the b-better. I can handle the r-rest. The o-others are just inside." Chara nodded and began to more. "I'll see you later?" Chara stopped again. "O-Or not!" Alphys exclaimed. "I g-guess... you're g-going to go see A-Asgore?"

Chara stood stiff in place, the pulsing of pain in their bleeding arms and something squeezing at their heart.

ME/R/CY

But there had to be a way. There had to be. A way to give him an excuse to not kill them. A third option... Something. Anything... They lifted their head a bit as an idea stirred.

"... If... If I asked him to stay..." Alphys gasped softly in surprise. "You're his Royal Scientist, if I asked him..." Their voice trailed off. Something cold was seeping through them...

No.

Chara already knew what she would say. If they asked Asgore to stay and let her experiment with their Soul instead... She never agreed to it- She... would never agree to it. She.. cared too much. And Chara realized, they would never agree to it themself.

If it was _them_ it would be a different story. But... it wasn't. It was Frisk. This was Frisk. They'd never let anyone touch Frisk like that in a million years.

But still... That idea... Why did it not feel... new?

Somehow... this felt familiar to you.

Chara shook their head.

"But if I asked to stay, and he let me...?"

"You'd really want that?!" Alphys exclaimed in clear surprise. "I... I mean..." Her expression became more somber, she was looking at their arms. They knew the question on her lips, about... didn't they have somewhere to go back to?

But isn't this what _she_ had wanted to begin with?

"I..." They were lifting their arms to hug themself. But only because they could still feel the blood. They needed pressure, they told themself. Just on the forearms. Nothing higher. Frisk edged closer, hugging them, too.

"I just want to stay." Frisk said for both of them. Chara nodded. Though they weren't sure of how true it was in the end. They had already decided that it had to be, on some level. It was just.. a matter of deserving to. And they... were just so tired.

"That's wonderful!" Chara flinched and Alphys sank back. "W-Well, that m-means..! I just..." She took a deep breath.

ME/R/CY

"I should get going." Chara said before she could collect herself enough to continue. "But... I will see you." Alphys was stuck with her mouth open. "And then we can watch Mew Mew Kissy Mew!" Alphys' mouth closed and she was looking them over again like she had when they had told her she and Undyne made a cute couple; trying to read them.

"It's Mew Mew: Kissy Cutie." She corrected, not at all the overly, boundingly excited outburst Chara had wanted in order to distract her. But at the very least, her voice was rising as she continued. And speeding up. As if she was starting to believe this would actually be a thing! "A-And we'll have a.. a big sleep over! A-And watch it all in one go! Not the second one! That's garbag- Oh! Right! Y-Your hands!" Chara looked down to see that some of the blood had begun to seep through and be visible around their fingers. "G-Go!" Alphys ordered. "Like I said, I g-got this. Go!" But she was smiling now. "I'll see you l-later!"

Chara couldn't bring themself to smile back, but they nodded again before they began to walk away.

Inside, Chara could feel Frisk radiating wordlessly, seeming to want to explode.

_It's just going to Reset_ , Chara reminded. _It doesn't mean anything._

_But you tried!_

_Right..._

_But you did..._

_Right._

Chara felt more than a prick of guilt at Frisk's fading voice. But Chara couldn't take it back... it was true. But at Frisk's disappointment-

Chara stopped, feeling light headed as they realized where they were supposed to be headed... Papyrus. And with Papyrus... Undyne. If they avoided it now, Frisk would only be hurt more. And... if they weren't going to Load after all... But Chara couldn't handle both of them crowding them. They wouldn't be able to handle one. They couldn't handle Frisk! They hadn't called Undyne for a reason! And...

An idea sparked in the back of their mind and they felt... a slow, rising excitement in their chest as they slinked into the shadows and pulled out their phone.

*Ring... Ring...

"HELLO! HUMAN! ARE YOU OFF TO THE CAPITAL?"

"Nnnnn... Not quite yet. Can I talk to Un-?"

"OPH!

"I'm here!" Chara couldn't help but smile.

"Hey. Do you know where Alphys is right now?"

Less than thirty seconds later, they watched Undyne tear through the snow, unaware that her trainee was actively avoiding her. If only they really could avoid Papyrus-

LOA-

Chara closed their eyes and gasped as everything skipped but then went back to normal.

*Chara?

_I'm fine._

Just like their arms had been fine.

But if they weren't going to Load, they had no other choice.

And the idea of Loading..

Chara took a deep breath and walked ahead towards the Skeleton home.

"OH! HUMAN!" Papyrus called in surprise once he saw them. "YOU DID NOT TELL US YOU WERE IN SNOWDIN TOO!" Chara tried to offer a weak smile.

"I.. You didn't ask, just..." They c-couldn't. They wanted to joke to relieve the tension in their chest but they couldn't. They felt sick again and held their forearms tighter as they pressed their lips together. Papyrus' face was falling as he noticed.. and then he noticed their arms.

"HUMAN!" He bent down onto one knee and reached out for them. Chara flinched and he hesitated, his arms out but unsure of what to do. Chara slowly unfolded their own arms for him to see. "H-HUMAN... WHAT HAPPENED? DID YOU GET INTO ANOTHER FIGHT?"

"Not.. Not quite." They answered for the second time within minutes. Papyrus was strangely silent as he watched their face and Chara... hated it. He was assessing them, he was just on the verge of knowing the truth. "I..." Chara blinked and they knew that if they had anything left inside them, there would have been tears starting to form in their eyes.

As it was, they simply felt exhausted and their eyes just stung.

"I was hoping you would help me."Chara caved weakly. Papyrus' eyes were widening... Chara wasn't sure if it was in concern or excitement or both. Or...

"WELL OF COURSE!" He took their offered wrist and carefully lifted the rest of their sleeves up. "HMM..." He said after a moment, noticing how much bandaging was there. "MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE THIS INSIDE." He reasoned.

He stood up and led them towards the door. In the warmth of the house Chara sank onto the couch with a loud exhale. The sense of relief was short lived though as Papyrus bent down again and they tensed up. They could see that the bandages had bled through more than they had first thought. The sleeves had just hidden the greater part of it.

"HOLD STILL." The green, healing light enveloped them and Chara couldn't help but lean in as they shut their eyes. It was so warm; like Endogeny had been; like Frisk; like the Save Stars; like-

The pain was easing but it came to a stop and Chara reopened their eyes to see Papyrus beginning to unwrap their arms so he could get a better look now that the immediate bleeding was taken care of. Chara gritted their teeth as Papyrus froze half way throug hthe first bandage. They could tell it was worse than he had anticipated.

"I fell on a bunch of broken glass." They said.

"-AH!" Papyrus said, almost as if he was convinced, but he hesitated to keep unwrapping.

"... I'm the one who broke the glass." Chara hated how his grip tightened ever so slightly on their wrist.

"W-WELL, HUMAN... I KNOW IMITATION IS THE BEST FLATTERY BUT, ALAS, I DO NOT THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA FOR SOMEONE SO FLESHY AS YOU TO BE BREAKING THROUGH ANYTHING MADE OF GLASS." Chara was growing even more tense.

"It was a mirror." They whispered. Papyrus froze again, his grip telling all. His gaze trailed up their arm and met theirs. The look on his face... He knew... but he did not want to. He did not want it to be true.

"AND WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, MY FRIEND?" The red eyes closed.

"Because I didn't like what I saw."

"..." They felt Papyrus shift after a moment and he bent down farther, closer. Chara took a deep breath as he put a hand behind their head and the red eyes opened to meet his gaze.

He looked so sad... He looked lost as his eyes searched them for something to say. How to help.

"Don't tell Undyne..." They whispered. "I... I still haven't recovered from my laps yet." They tried to joke, but... "I..." Chara trailed off and looked down. But that only made it so they were looking at their now magically scabbed over cuts. They laughed a bit because it was no longer possible to cry: "Are you disappointed?"

Papyrus pulled them in and rested his forehead against theirs as he continued to support the back of their head. The red eyes closed again and Chara struggled to breathe. The thumb of his other hand rubbed against their wrist.

"No..." It was the softest they had ever heard him speak. He pulled back and he moved his hand down to the back of thier neck as the red eyes reopened a bit and they lifted their head. "IT WAS BUT A SMALL SET BACK." He told them. "NOBODY GETS BETTER OVERNIGHT. AND IT HAS NOT EVEN BEEN OVERNIGHT! BUT LOOK! DESPITE THIS! YOU ARE ALREADY DOING BETTER!"

"W-What?" Chara's voice cracked.

"WELL! EARLIER TODAY YOU WOULD NOT HAVE COME TO ME AT ALL! YOU WOULD HAVE HID IT AND LET IT KEEP HURTING YOU!" Chara's cheek were flushing in shame, but he was smiling at them... so warmly... As warm as the healing, green magic. "YOU'RE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES." He repeated from earlier. "YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP TRYING! AS LONG AS YOU KEEP TRYING I WILL KEEP BELIEVING!" He brightened. "EVEN IF YOU WERE TO STOP! I WOULD STILL KEEP BELIEVING! BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN YOU WILL NEED IT THE MOST! BECAUSE! MAYBE THAT IS ALL YOU NEED! SO YOU CAN DECIDE TO TRY ONCE AGAIN!"

Their scabbed lips were parted in surprise and the red eyes were wide and brimming gold as they stared at him and Frisk grew closer, wanting to support them too. Chara's breath hitched when Papyrus looked back down at their arms.

"I AM NOT DISAPPOINTED. I AM PROUD THAT YOU WISH TO MAKE IT RIGHT." He released the back of their neck. "NOW! LET US GET BACK TO WORK. THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL HAVE YOU HEALED IN NO TIME AND THEN! HE WILL MAKE YOU SOME AMAZING 'DO BETTER' SPAGHETTI!"

Chara smiled weakly, trying to look assured as he unwrapped the rest of their arms. They would have to remember to ask about their shoulder too once he was done. The warmth was once again enveloping them and Chara reclosed their eyes.

So warm.

So comforting...

They could imagine their mother's hands except for the fact that they could feel the hard bone of his fingers instead of her soft fur.

Once Papyrus was done with their arms they made him move on to their shoulder, at least what he could do with it without moving the fabric. He asked no questions. As he worked, Chara observed Frisk's bare arms. He had healed them but he could do nothing about how they scarred. The scars would be gone with the next Reset, Chara reasoned, but at the same time, somehow, Chara felt that they never actually leave.

A Reset only got rid of the physical, the technically not-happened...

Something had happened in True Lab. Something important but frightening. There was no taking it back...

Papyrus stood up, ready and declaring that he would make them the best spaghetti they had ever had but thoughtlessly Chara reached out and snatched the back of his scarf and forced him to a stop. He turned back around expectantly, ready to listen to anything they said. Their grip on his scarf tightened.

Something had happened. Everything was different... They didn't know what. Something was different.

"HUMAN?"

It was terrifying. Chara was shaking. Papyrus was watching them with an open, concerned expression.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN THE KITCHEN AND COOK WITH ME?" He asked. "I KNOW YOU AND UNDYNE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME! WE COULD EVEN BURN- WELL, NO, SANS WOULD BE UPSET IF WE BURNED THE HOUSE DOWN. BUT!" Chara shook their head.

"Actually.. I..." They had nothing. Nothing but... "I already have something." They told him. His expression fell. "Not like that, not... I'm not..." They weren't trying to avoid his care or his spaghetti. Well... No. "It's something important." They let go of his scarf and began to reach into their inventory. The smell of pie gave them yet another stomach flip but they held the plate between both hands until Frisk's knuckles turned light. Papyrus was crouching down in front of them again.

"IT IS A SANS QUICHE!" Chara jolted, their nerves shaking off in their surprise.

"A _what_?!"

"A SANS QUICHE! REMEMBER! I TOLD YOU IN OUR HANG OUT! RECENTLY SANS TRIED TO BAKE SOMETHING THAT WAS A QUICHE! BUT IT WAS FULL OF A SUGARY, NON-EGG SUBSTANCE!" Chara's mouth opened in true surprise. "EXCEPT YOURS SMELLS WONDERFUL AND HIS DID NOT! AND IT IS A DIFFERENT COLOR!"

A...

_"hey. let me tell you a story."_

.

"You burnt the pie." Chara scolded. Their hands on their hips as they walked. "You burnt mother's pie!"

"oh god. that feels like a million years ago. but... yeeeeeah. baking and grilling a few hot cats are not the same thing. and to be fair it was just her _recipe_ , it was my pie... and i didn't burn it. i undercooked it or something. i'm not even sure. it fell apart." Chara crossed their arms, still unsatisfied, but then they came to another stop, a smile beginning to grow. "what?"

"That is so..." Sans lifted a brow.

"what?"

"Papyrus cooks his with passion." Frisk aknowledged.

"And then yours is half-baked."

Sans' head fell back as he laughed.

Oh god, they were right...

But the story wasn't over and it was beside the point.

.

"It's a pie. Butterscotch and cinnamon." Chara explained. "My mother made it for me."

"OH!" Papyrus exclaimed excitedly. He was positively beaming. Chara lifted their shoulders uncertainly.

"What?"

"IT IS JUST THAT! I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT!" He said. "I.. I MUST ADMIT THAT... WELL..." There was a bead of sweat on his forehead now. "I WAS WORRIED THAT IF YOU LEFT, YOU WOULD BE ALL ALONE. I AM GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE A MOTHER WHO MAKES YOU PIE AND IS WAITING FOR YOU!" There was a sharp pain in Chara's chest and they covered their mouth with one of their hands. Papyrus' face fell in striking alarm. "DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?!"

Chara swallowed the pain down and lowered their hand. They shook their head.

"No... No, you're right." They tried to smile weakly even if it wasn't entirely honest. "I have people who really care about me... even if I don't understand why."

"WELL I KNOW WHY!" Papyrus said. "IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE BRAVE AND RESILIENT AND SMART AND FUNNY AND-"

"I still don't understand why you think that..." They admitted and his voice trailed off. "But..." They lifted the pie up a bit. "I want to share it with you."

"BUT IT IS FROM YOUR MOTHER! YOU SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU." Papyrus reasoned, trying to refuse.

"But... you're important to me, too." His expression widened in surprise, but then he was beaming again. And even if they hadn't wanted it... Deserved it: "You've given me so much..."

"WELL OF COURSE! YOU ARE ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO ME!" At least he was responding in the way that they expected... They could feel Frisk watching attentively, unsure of what to make of what Chara was doing. Not wanting to get too hopeful considering Chara's previous rebuttal. Chara took in an even breath.

"I want you to get to know her, someday..." They hadn't thought he could beam any brighter... but they'd been wrong.

"OF COURSE!" He repeated again-

*Chara?

"You'll really like her... You can cook together.. and Sans can tell jokes to make her laugh."

"OH!" Chara smiled for real this time.

"You'll smile and you'll hate it." Papyrus' horrified expression broke as he couldn't help but laugh. Frisk sat back, radiating warmth as they kept the first traces of a promise from Chara close to their heart. And Chara...

"I AM SURE YOU ARE RIGHT..." Papyrus admitted, his gaze so kind, soft, it was...

* _Loving_

Chara sat rigid in their seat as he stood up and went into the kitchen to get them forks and himself another plate. They ate the pie right there on the couch. It was no longer warm but that did nothing to hinder it tasting just as delicious. Though.. it stuck in their throat when they swallowed.

Chara twiddled the fork between their fingers, playing with their last hite as they debated something.

It scared them, but... He wouldn't remember.

But now Chara wasn't sure if that was the problem or why they went on ahead with it.

"Papyrus...?" They said without turning towards him.

"MMHM?" He aknowledged, they heard him swallow.

"I love you." He sputtered loudly. They set the fork down as he twisted in place. They could _feel_ his smile. Or maybe it was just because of Frisk.

_Chara!_

_Shut up! **Shut up!,**_ Chara tried to push, but failed as wave after wave of excitement poured over them.

"HUMAN!" Papyrus' arm was wrapping around them and pulling them in. Chara lowered their head down farther, their cheeks were burning. "I LOVE YOU TOO, HUMAN!"

They knew...

"You're lucky." Chara whispered after a moment. "I don't tell that to everyone. Even if it's true."

And sometimes they didn't even let them know themself...

.

And Sans realized he was probably going to be stuck with just an 'I don't hate you' forever.

But he guessed he could live with that.

.

"BUT IT IS A WONDERFUL STEP FORWARD! TO BE OPEN ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!" Papyrus continued. "AND I AM SO GLAD YOU FELT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO TELL ME!"

"I don't think I'm going to get another chance too soon..." And he would not remember, afterall. So much for that 'being open' part. Papyrus' arm around them became more stiff.

"HUMAN." He began again. He pulled away from them and gave them a stern expression. They were still holding the plate with both hands, the unfinished bite remaining. "THIS DOES NOT COUNT AS OUR 'SEE YOU LATER'!"

Chara breathed a thin laugh and shook their head.

"No." They agreed. But they weren't sure when the next time they would be able to say it to him with him actually knowing it as them. If they ever would again. They weren't sure. They weren't sure about anything. It was all so... Chara breathed out and slumped back against his arm.

"WHAT IS WRONG?"

"I'm just tired..." They were still just so _tired_.

"WELL IF YOU ARE NEEDING A PLACE TO STAY FOR JUST ONE MORE NIGHT YOU CAN HAVE THE COUCH! UNDYNE HATES IT BUT PERHAPS YOU WOULD NOT MIND!" He said hopefully. Chara thought a moment and then shook their head.

"No... I should get going."

"OH..." They looked down at their unfinished plate. There was a soft, awkward silence for a bit... They didn't know what else to say.. They also didn't think they could finish... But how to do that without worrying anyone? They glanced over their shoulder towards the table to their right.

"Do you think the pet rock would like the rest of my pie? I'd feel guilty eating all of this in front of them and not sharing."

"THE PET ROCK?!"

"Yeah. I'm sure it gets sick of sprinkles, don't you?"

"BUT IF WE FEED IT THE PIE I WILL NEVER GET IT TO EAT ITS NORMAL FOOD EVER AGAIN!" Papyrus exclaimed. "HOW CAN IT COMPARE?"

*It can't.

"It can't." Chara agreed with a growing smile. They felt Frisk giggle.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME?!" Chara chuckled.

"Sans." They told him.

"NYEH HEH! BUT IN THE END WHO DO YOU THINK ACTUALLY TAKES CARE OF IT FOR HIM?!"

Chara's smile began to fall...

"WELL ALRIGHT!" Papyrus said, interpreting their falling expression wrong. They didn't say anything as Papyrus took the plate from their hands. Their mind was still stuck on Sans. Papyrus took one long stride over to the table and used the fork to scrape the last bit off on top of it. "HERE YOU GO, MR. ROCK. THE HUMAN'S MOTHER'S WONDEROUS SANS QUICHE!" Chara's smile was returning even if it wasn't as genuine as it was before. "ALSO KNOWN AS PIE!"

"The rock doesn't have another name?" They asked, resting their hands against their knees.

"SANS IS TOO LAZY TO GIVE IT ONE!" Papyrus declared as he smiled back at them.

"Hmm..."

.

Sans swore they were now just telling him all of this to rib into him. Or at the very least using it to their advantage in order to do so.

.

Chara's smile fell again as Papyrus took the dishes into the kitchen and they stood up anxiously. When Papyrus returned they stood awkwardly together.

"WELL... I GUESS IT IS TRULY TIME FOR OUR 'SEE YOU LATER'." They nodded slowly. It really was time. There was nothing left to do. No more chances to stall. It was time to face their problems head on. And then if they made it out of that...

It would all Reset, again.

_In a world where nobody remembers them._

Somehow... That hurt.

Chara blocked that thought out furiously away from Frisk, but it caught them by surprise. The idea of Resetting had never personally hurt _them_ before. And they had... Chara had just been desperate to be forgotten, to be hidden forever... And they still did, they reasoned. It would be.. better. For everyone. And all of this was Frisk's. But the sudden idea of losing this, too... It was strangely suffocating.

Was it possible to want two opposing things?

Yes. They knew from experience. Yes.

Chara wished once again that they had never started this timeline.

"See you later, Papyrus." They told him. Papyrus nodded and he opened his arms wide. This time, Chara hugged him back. Chara closed their eyes as Papyrus held them tightly. "I don't want to go..." They whispered.

"BUT YOU MUST. YOU MUST GET HOME." Chara tightened their own grip around him.

He was right...

"BUT BEFORE YOU DO... PROMISE ME SOMETHING."

"What?"

"THAT YOU WILL KEEP ON TRYING EVEN WHEN I AM NOT THERE. THAT YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER I BELIEVE IN YOU! AND THAT YOU WILL KEEP TRYING TO LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU. AND THAT OTHERS DO TO."

Chara swallowed, painfully.

But he wasn't going to know they were there... He was going to forget!

"It's just... so hard..." He squeezed them.

"THEN IT IS A GOOD THING YOU WON'T BE ALONE, RIGHT?" He asked. Chara squeezed him back and they could feel Frisk pressing closer. Chara reached out for them too.

"No." They agreed.

_"You never have to do anything alone."_

"I never have to do anything alone."

"NYEH HEH!" Papyrus pulled away and Chara wiped at their red-gold eyes with their sleeve.

"Thank you, Papyrus."

"AND THANK YOU..." They blinked and looked up and he was reaching out for their hands. He held them out between them as they listened. "YOU TAUGHT ME A LOT ABOUT BEING A REAL FRIEND. THINGS I DID NOT REALIZE I ALREADY KNEW AND THINGS I WOULD HAVE NEVER FIGURED OUT BEFORE." Their grip on his hands was mercil-

ME/R/CY

"You too."

They really, really didn't want to go. They hugged him one more time. They weren't stalling, no... Yes. But if they stalled too long, Frisk would catch on. But... They didn't want to go. They didn't want to _go_. To face it all. They didn't-

"NYEH... YOU SHOULD GET GOING."

Their own words were being used against them...

.

They had reached the clearing with the half-dead tree in front of Home. The kids raced ahead of him to the front of the house, their hand lifting out to where he assumed another Save Star waited... They were presumably seeing if this Star was the same as the others, but Sans figured they were also just stalling again...

They were trying to take away any opening he had to comment on the situation. About Papyrus... Or at the very least they were giving him a very clear hint that they didn't want to talk about it anymore than they had to...

What they didn't know was that Sans had already made his decision regarding them and their silent, background act.

But he did have to admit... hearing this had been a bit of a relief. Even if it wasn't for a long while, this wasn't something they would fight him and Frisk about if it really came down to it even if they did drag their 'feet'. For all that they wanted everyone to give up on them, in the end... they did, in fact, want to stay, too. To be with everyone just like Frisk did. The problem was that just like Frisk they didn't think they deserved it.

Which maybe wasn't such a relief...

But at the very least it was something he could help them work on.

It felt do-able...

They lowered their hand away from the Save Star, and by the look on their face, it seemed to have gotten cooler, too. They were looking at their flexing fingers, and then he caught them glancing over towards the tree.

"something else wrong?" Other than the memories...?

"..You know... this was the first place I ever felt.. safe... and loved." Their eyes were gold and he couldn't tell by their posture who had said that or if it had been meant to be both of them. Though they tended to use 'we' when that happened. Their posture was just so shrunken in and hurt. "I just couldn't accept it."

And with that, Sans decided that even if it was just one or the other talking, it was still true for both. But their eyes were still on the tree... He couldn't remember anything Frisk had said that specifically refered to that.

"You lived here with the Dreemurr's?" Sans asked, guessing in the end that it was Chara talking. They nodded.

"Just for a few months... Everyone was moving. The Core had just been stabilized. Or..." Their voice trailed off. They seemed stumped.

"what?"

"Nothing... It's just funny that the Core is still something that is causing problems. For all the help it is supposed to give."

"heh. guess ya got a point." But their face was still seemed hazy, as if that hadn't been everything but they didn't know what else to say about what they were feeling. They turned back towards the house and made their way forward. But not for long.

"She locked it!" They cried when they tried the door.

"what?" Sans laughed.

"Oh my god! We moved out and she still locked it!" Their forehead hit the door as they started to laugh. "What if somebody else still fell down the hole! They'd be stuck!" Sans could hear them through the door as he stood inside the house, his hands stuffed into his pockets. "They'd- S... Sans?" He could picture them scanning the area for him and coming to the correct conclusion. They pounded on the door.

"who's there?" They were laughing again.

"Open the stupid door!" Chara yelled, trying to sound bitter.

"open the stupid door, who?" He heard them thump their head against the door again and his smile widened as he opened it up quick. They almost fell, letting out a shocked gasp as they caught themself.

"Ack!"

"ack isn't a very good punch line." He was glad to hear that they were still laughing, though, even as they stood up straight and mock glared at him.

"How about I _punch_ _you_ in your smiley 1 HP face?"

"hmmm... i'd have'ta ask for an apology."

They faltered again, and their lips pressed together.

"what now?" They looked down, their fingers coming and lacing together. They squeezed them uncomfortably.

.

They stepped out into the snow and offered Papyrus one final wave, trying their hardest to keep the smile they didn't feel up for him and Frisk. But as they started out of Snowdin, they staggered to a stop...

*Chara..?

They should get going.

They had to go Home.

But...

They looked over their shoulder, back towards Snowdin...

It didn't matter...

It didn't...

...

...

But they weren't ever going to have another chance to see if it actually did.

..


	34. Affording To Apologize

Apologies were like do-overs.

Apologies... were like... do-overs...

Chara took in a deep breath, their limbs were shaking as they reached the igloo beside Papyrus' house. Frisk was silent again, watching intently and unsure of what Chara was doing.

"I'm thirsty." Chara explained even though Frisk hadn't asked. Even though they were surrounded by mounds of snow and could easily fix it if that was actually the case. It wasn't like they hadn't done it before; eatin' soft poffs of fluffy, white snow. "I'm going to get us a Bisicle."

Chara could hear Frisk's confusion in the silence as they slipped into the undersnow tunnels, but that confusion grew into tense understanding when Chara emerged on the other side of Snowdin and couldn't help but glance towards the "decorated tree" that most definitely not a Christmas tree. Chara felt Frisk shift in place, as if they were eyeing Chara in the side of their eyes. Chara could feel Frisk's anxiety. Or maybe that was just their own and they were projecting again.

It was both.

Chara held their breath as they walked on ahead in the opposite direction of the tree.

The Save Star...

Chara froze in place as they came upon the brimming light.

They tried to swallow again but to no avail. Their throat was still incredibly dry. Chara slid past the Save Star and entered into the shop.

"Oh! Hello again, traveller!" The shop bunny called with a bright smile they couldn't avoid. "Enjoy your Cinnamon Bunny? It's my own recipe." Chara nodded. They couldn't remember if she had told them that last time they were here or if that was a memory from another timeline. Probably another timeline. Chara hadn't been up for much small talk before.

Not that they were now, either.

"How can I help you?" The shopkeeper asked, leaning forward.

"Buy." Chara said, their voice cracking. The bunny smiled eagerly as she motioned to her wares. "Sorry to say I don't have anymore Cinnamon Bunnies for today. But if you're still in town tomorrow I might have some more." She promised. She eyed them. Chara was rigid in place, she had a mother's knowing gaze and it seemed to be growing concerned. "If you're tired, I suggest the inn. It's right next door- my sister runs it. You look like you could really use a bed if I am honest." Chara shrugged. They pointed-

Chara shot the hand downward and pulled the fabric of the sleeve over their fist; swift before she noticed the scars. The rabbit raised a brow. Chara used their balled up sleeve to motion towards the Bisicle.

"One Bisicle?" She pulled out the package for them. "70G." Chara's jaw dropped. They felt Frisk jolt. The most they had ever noticed it being was 30G and Frisk had only justified it to themself in the end because technically they could utilize it twice.

But in the end... this was the end.

What else were they going to be buying?

Chara huffed and nodded. They took the package and slipped the coins over the counter. The bunny's smile widened even more and she waved as they turned around.

"Come again, now!" She called. Chara stopped at the door again, thinking as they glanced down at their fingers. They walked back up to the counter. "Oh? So soon?" The bunny joked.

"Glove."

"Hmm?"

"Glove." Chara ordered.

Frisk was rigid in place but the bunny's eyes were brightening.

"Oh! Buying!" The bunny exclaimed reaching into her glass case for the item. "That one is 50G."

Still the same price...

Chara escaped with their purchases before she could say anything else to them. They could feel the heat of her smile and the concern in her gaze on the back of their neck.

They stood right outside the door and looked at Frisk's hands again. Slipping the Tough Glove over the right one, they flexed their fingers. There was no pain. No way to see how badly they had messed it up. There was nothing they could do for the left one; the one that made everything more difficult. They would just have to be more careful when reaching out for things to remember what hand they should be using. Chara smiled; they had spent so long conditioning themself to use Frisk's left hand, to just accept it, and now they were going to have to let it go. They laughed a bit. They flexed their fingers tighter this time.

_Can you believe that price though?_ , Chara asked, trying to sound flippant as they moved over towards the Snowdin sign and sat down. They took the Bisicle out again and split it. It was sweet an Chara closed their eyes; sweet and cold and they ate it too quickly. Their head hurt. Chara breathed in deeply, letting Frisk's splitting brain recover. Their throat already felt a million times better but they felt even more thirsty now. They pulled out the now, poor, lonely unisicle.  _Frisk? Do you want the other half?_

There was no response.

Chara swallowed nervously. Frisk was still there, Chara could feel them and Chara knew they were listening. They just weren't talking. That was never a good sign.

_Frisk?_

_I'm fine._

_... Do you want the other half?_ , Chara nudged again.

_..No, thank you._

Chara hesitated... but then they bit off the top.

They ate in silence; even more uneasiness growing in their chest. The last bite disappeared and Chara pulled their arm back to see how far they could throw the sticks with Frisk's nondominant hand.

Frisk flinched at the sight of the orange blurr of glove streaking across their vision as Chara swung. Chara froze in place; their hand outstretched.

_[Please don't hurt my family!]_

That- That was right...

Their fingers curled together and they pulled it close to Frisk's chest as the realization left them irredeemably cold. Frisk hadn't taken any of the weapons except the stick and the knife since... then. The stick because there were other uses and the knife because... well... There was still Asgore. And to be honest, the only one who had killed with the knife was-

Chara flinched and they squeezed their fingers together more tightly.

Apologies... were like do-overs, he had said. But they weren't. Chara had said sorry to Frisk but it didn't help anything... Not really. It just opened Frisk up to getting hurt by them again. It just... It was pointless. This was all pointless! Why? They just-

One of Frisk's hands slapped the other without Chara's say so.

Chara jolted back in surprise, their head hitting the signpost behind them. They stared at Frisk's hands. They could feel Frisk's presence, controlling the ungloved hand.

_What... What was that for?_ , Chara asked, terrified by the potential answer. But Frisk felt terrified too, even if determined.

_Y-You're not.. allowed to think like that anymore. Papyrus said so.,_ Chara breathed out a shaky chuckle. They... hadn't even realized again that it had spilled over. But they took a deep breath and hardened their expression.

_**You** _ _think like that, Frisk._

_N-Not... Not that. I appreciate the apology._ Chara felt a twinge of bitterness. They slapped Frisk's controlled hand.

_What Papyrus said applies to you too!_ , They demanded.  _Even more!_

_Not even more!_

_Yes! Even more!_

Frisk slapped Chara back again. Chara's eyes widened. They slapped back.

Frisk giggled.

Chara's smile was splitting across Frisk's face as Frisk slapped back once again. It was war.

Chara was laughing softly about a minute later, the slaps coming almost seamlessly. Frisk's already cold, pink hand was turning red and even through the glove Chara's hand throbbed. Frisk settled back, content that Chara had stopped beating themself up.

They sat in the silence... but Chara's mind was still turning.

Apologies... Even if they didn't mean anything, do anything... If they don't.. It'll Reset... If Chara didn't do it now...

Chara's head lifted higher, the red eyes widening in realization.

"I think I get it now..." Chara whispered.

_Get what?_

"Why it was important that Sans listened... while he could still remember..." They felt Frisk perk up.

_Really?,_ They asked hopefully. Chara gave a small nod.

How many times had they both wondered  _If they only knew,_  but if they apologized when they still remembered... when they  **do**  know... It somehow made it easier to accept it, right? It made the apology real.

_But.. I'm still not sure it means anything, still... if they just forget._

They weren't sure the apology meant anything at all.

Chara felt Frisk deflate.

But also that persistent spark of determination rising up inside their chest. Because even if all of that was true... Frisk wasn't going to let Chara beat themself up over it. If Frisk wasn't allowed to. If Frisk wasn't allowed to clutch at their own arm... If Frisk wasn't-

Everything cut off as a blurr of yellow and brown skid into view. Chara gasped and sat up too quickly; hitting their head again on the sign post. They were too caught off guard to react to the pain except to put their hands on the back of their head to press tightly. The red eyes were wide and they held their breath as MK came to an abrupt stop when noticing them... only to fall face first into the snow. Chara jumped again, shifting onto their knees but stopping just short of standing up as they hesitated, the doubt and anxiety rippling through them. MK's face lifted out of the snow and spat with a groan. Chara cringed, their heart racing. MK gasped and picked himself up, jumping on his feet as he turned towards them.

"Y-Y-Yo..." MK started first but then grew into silence. They both stayed stock still, their eyes locked onto each other. Frisk was a shock, tense wall in the back of Chara's mind. Chara took in a deep, uneven breath. This was.. This was it. This was what they had lingered around for. They had thought it would be on their terms and not just sprung up on them like this, but... Chara bit their lip. Guess this is what they deserved. Chara open their mouth but no sound came out. They bite down again. They just- MK turned away from them. "Yo... don't talk to me."

Chara's expression shattered once more. They sank deeper into the snow, their heart clenched in pain as they pressed their fists into their thighs.

MK glanced their way with an awkward expression but soon looked forward. He took a small step forward, swaying in his stance. Chara opened their mouth again... but MK was already running away. Somewhere down the path to Snowdin Forest. And Chara couldn't utter a sound.

Chara blinked, their chest heaving. They swallowed with difficulty for the lump in their throat. The red eyes... Their red eyes cast downward, staring at Frisk's hands. Everything blurred for a moment.

They couldn't blame MK... Chara wouldn't have forgiven either. Chara would have done so much worse... And... Chara breathed in deeply, trying to reign in the tears trying to form.

*Chara...

Chara shook their head. They wiped at their nose and stood up. They were shaking again...

They had to get going.

Chara turned back towards town and only made it two feet when the light of the Save Star caught the side of their eye. Chara stared at it... The pain surged up in their chest and Chara moved over to it quickly, their hand slammed into it. They felt Frisk jump. The heat of the Star burned through the glove and they felt the warmth beginning to reach them. Chara kept the hand there even longer, letting it seep through them.

*Chara, I'm sorry...

Apologies... weren't anything like do-overs. They did  _ **nothing**_. Less than nothing.

Accepting one just opened you up to get hurt again by the same person.

_It's not your fault, Frisk._ Chara told them.  _It's mine. You have nothing to apologize for._

They could feel that Frisk didn't feel any better about it.

Chara wanted to slip back in through the igloo in order to avoid the rest of town, but their aim was the River Person. The sooner they got this over with the better, Chara reasoned. But going to the River Person... required walking through town. Chara weighed their options... and in doing so they only felt weighed down by how few they had. Chara hesitated too long, their nose was dripping from the cold and they used the red sleeve to wipe at it again. But in doing so, it was the first time they realized they weren't wearing any stripes... They were swimming in the red shirt, making them look smaller than ever, but no stripes... They weren't sure what to do with that stray thought but they weren't sure about anything. It just felt crushing.

Chara walked past the igloo, taking the risk that they might run into any of their fr-... Well... That they might run into Papyrus, Undyne, or even Alphys.

Chara stayed to the trees, hugging themself as they felt glances coming their way from the Monsters strolling through the village. They heard Undyne shouting somewhere in the distance, but it seemed to be traveling away from them, towards Papyrus' house... Taking the River Person may have been the right choice after all.

The River Person was dutifully in their spot, and when they glanced over, Chara may not have been able to see the River Person's expression but Chara could feel it. It felt as if the River Person was looking over every inch of them.

_"Ah."_

Chara's cheeks burned. Where they really so readable now?

The River Person didn't even greet them in the usual fashion as Chara stepped onto the boat but somehow that wasn't a surprise... Frisk had once spent Load after Load trying to figure out why the River Person's dialogue changed but in the end, even that stopped being new. It seemed one could only have so many cryptic messages to give out.

_"Tra la la. Eat a mushroom everyday. Why? Then I know you're listening to me..._  "

"Where to today?" The River Person indulged, but somehow Chara felt that it was already understood where they were going.

"Hotlands." They whispered. The River Person only nodded before setting off. Chara sank down, resting against their knees as they looked out over the water.

_"Tra la la. Humans, monsters... Flowers."_

_"Do you remember?"_ The River Person hadn't answered... They had just led Frisk in more circles.

_"Tra la la. Beware of the man who speaks in hands."_

"Tra la la. Remember to take a break every-so-often..."

Chara rested their head against Frisk's knees. "Whatever..."

"Tra la la. Tri li li. Tre le le. The water is very wet today." The River Person added, almost conversationally. The image of the statue in waterfall flashed in their mind and Chara's hands unconsciously lifted to their chest, their fingers searching for the locket that wasn't their. "We're here. Tra la la."

Chara stood up, refusing to look the River Person's way as they stepped off the boat, but as soon as their feet were on solid ground Chara hesitated again. The change from cold to hot made them a bit dizzy. They... Chara stood in place, swallowing at they looked ahead.

_*You should get going..._

They didn't  _ **want**_ to get going.

Their gloved fingers against their chest pinched the fabric of the shirt.

"... Coming back isn't always as easy as a boat ride." Chara broke and turned back towards the River Person; the pain apparent on their face as they made no move to mask it. They were getting that... They were getting that oh so well. Sometimes you just couldn't go back. "But sometimes it is as simple as knowing what it is that you want. Tra la la! As easy as falling asleep. " Chara... Chara shook their head.

"Then it's just a dream..." Their voice cracked. The River Person said nothing and Chara couldn't read anything off of them. What they were thinking about Chara, about this whole conversation. Chara couldn't tell anything! Couldn't... But they could tell what MK had thought. It was clear that MK wanted nothing to do with them. MK wouldn't want Chara to come back. And yet... Chara wanted...

"Will you take me back?" Chara asked, their voice cracking more than they wished again. Granted they wished it hadn't at all. The River Person motioned towards the deck of the boat.

Chara raced through Snowdin at full speed. Past the houses, past the decorated tree, the shop, the Star... They weren't sure what they were doing. Where they were going. But they knew that if they stopped for too long they would back out again.

*Where do you think MK was going?

Chara had no clue. None... They could just run and hope they caught a glance-

Chara heard loud laughter and shrill shrieks. Chara stopped, panting as they looked around. They had been running for so long, past puzzles and stone bridges. Chara listened. It only took them a few moments to realize that the several voices were all coming from up ahead. And they knew exactly where they would find MK.

The Ball Game...!

Chara stood at a distance watching everyone. There were more than a half dozen kids, one was busy pushing the ball towards the hole while others waited their turn. The kids not in line were on either side of the open area beyond the game. They were running around, scooping up snow and flinging it at each other... Snowballs, Chara realized. A snowball fight was raging as the children screamed and battle cries called out. MK was in the midst of it, using his tail to shovel snow at people because he couldn't play any other way. The sound of his yell was clearly an attempted imitation of Undyne's. One kid had an eyepatch that clearly wasn't real since it was flipped up but it was enough for Chara to realize this game was more than that. Another reptilian monster was by MK's side, creating her own snowballs, and in the pit of Chara's stomach something cold sat heavy. That could only be MK's sister. Her hands were violently patting snow together between them.

Chara... Chara couldn't do this... But they had to. Chara's breath was uneven as they stepped forward.

The kids playing the ball game stopped first. The flag rising up as the ball rolled in but they didn't seem to notice in their shock. Chara felt their stares and it raced across their skin like electricity. Chara could tell by their gawking they knew exactly who Chara was or at the very least strongly suspected it... The snowball fight teetered out and everyone stood in place with wide eyes as Chara also came to a stop just on the edge. The laughter was gone, replaced by a stark silence. MK had clearly told them about The Human. About what had happened. That MK had told them all about how Undyne had Saved and Chara had fled...

"I..." Chara couldn't speak, their eyes went to MK, pleadingly, but MK refused to look up at them. MK had his gaze fixed to the ground at his feet. A few kids exchanged uncertain glances. Chara forced a step forward, hoping that the movement would help their voice move forward as well, but they just... couldn't. They came to another halt. They... They couldn't do this in front of all these people. They needed to ask to be alone, but... MK didn't want to talk at all. Let alone in private. And the girl beside him... MK's sister leaned in closer and Chara could hear her harsh whisper.

"Them?" She demanded. MK nodded quickly. Something seemed to spark inside his sister at the confirmation. Chara lifted their shoulders protectively around their neck, as if that could defend them from her penetrating glare. MK's sister was snarling as she stood up straighter. Her stance felt forceful and confident in her anger. "You have no reason to be here!"

"I.." Chara tried more weakly, but MK's sister only steamrolled them, cutting them off. Not that they expected to get much farther than that.

"We're in the middle of a  _Fight_ , you know?" She taunted. "You should probably go some place  _safer_ for you." Chara flinched. Then they shook their head. They were shaking but they couldn't run. Their fists were tight. Sister's glare intensified and she bent down and scooped up one of her pre-made snowballs. MK lifted his gaze uncertainly as she stepped forward. " **No**?"

She threw the snowball and Chara lifted their arms to protect their face. The cold stung their wrists. Chara couldn't breathe. They could hear several pairs of feet crunching on snow.

"See?! Get out of here! It's too dangerous for someone like  _ **you**_." Another snowball struck and Chara lowered their arms, their mouth opening to counter her, but... Several children had joined her, gathering up snowballs and they were converging on Chara. And Chara- Chara was shrinking in on themself as in their mind they saw long shadows across the ground crossing over them. "We don't want you here!"

Once upon a time, Chara would have met them head on; brunt, forceful, pushing back. Fight. At the very least, even if they couldn't do that, Chara needed to stand up taller. To not let themself be pushed back. To look more imposing. But Sister's gaze was unrelenting as she stood protectively in front of her brother. And... Chara couldn't.. Chara couldn't breathe.

If it had been  _their_  brother-

_**"Demon! Murderer!"** _

Sister swung another snowball and Chara re-lifted their arms like a shield. But one hit them from the side. Fight or Flight. Fight or Fligh-

_Fight back! Fight back!,_  They had begged. Ordered.  _Kill them!_

_I- I can't. Chara this isn't right!_

Another snowball struck from the way they had come. They were surrounded. They had nowhere to go. Chara couldn't-! Chara was surrounded. They were being pelted from every side and there were harsh cries, yelling. Chara-

Chara took a staggering step back, but the way was blocked, the tears were streaming down their face. They couldn't breath. Every other second they were being struck and the blazing gold eyes squeezed shut as Frisk held Chara tight in support.

_Save him. Save him! Save him! God! Anyone! Save him! Save Asriel! Somebody please! Please! PLEASE!_ _**PLEASE!** _

"I-" A snowball stung their face from the side and Chara gasped as they fumbled back into the snow, their arms lowering to catch themself. They were unguarded and one caught them right between the eyes. They were defenseless. Chara took a sharp breath, wanting to cry out but-

"HEY! YO, STOP! STOP! LEAVE 'EM ALONE! EVERYONE STOP! LET 'EM GO!" The snowballs ceased and Chara struggled to open their eyes and focus on the blurry yellow figure that had stepped in between them and everyone else. MK was panting.

"MK move!" His sister ordered. "That thing almost got you KILLED!"

"B-But I didn't! A-And Undyne saved me! So!" MK seemed to falter under his sister's harsh, determined gaze. "It's.. It's not worth it, Sis." Chara picked themself up into a sitting position. "Just let 'em go..." The other kids seemed to share glances except Sister whose eyes didn't move off of MK. Her gaze narrowed.

"Fine." She said and with that the circle opened just enough to allow Chara a guided escape. "You should get going!" Sister snapped. Chara stood up, shaking but ended up collapsing back into the snow again. MK glanced back over his shoulder but it quickly looked away. Chara couldn't move. They still hadn't.. Chara- Sister let out a sharp sound of annoyance. "Let's go." She said to the group. The circle broke completely and moved away from Chara. Sister had grabbed MK by the shirt and had begun to lead him away.

_*You want to speak._

_*You want to open your mouth and speak!_

"I'm sorry.." They managed, but everyone was still walking away. "I'm..." Chara didn't think they were heard, and they dared not follow. Because if they had been heard that meant no one had listened. Frisk was hugging tight to them, supportive, but not enough. There was no way Chara could face that again. The onslaught of memory and... And it wouldn't change anything.

Chara was left sitting alone as the cyan flag remained upright behind them, the winnings forgotten as everyone else tried to pick up a new game.

And Chara...

Chara stood up now, their entire body shaking. They stumbled back in the direction of Snowdin but they didn't make it far before they collapsed into the snow, sobbing loudly.

They were such a miserable mess, such a pitiful excuse of anything! It all only fell apart! None of this was worth anything, they weren't worth anything!

Frisk squeezed tighter but was sealed in silence. The attack had shaken them just as much as Chara even if for different reasons. Chara lifted the gloved hand to cover their eyes. Their limbs were so cold and everything was throbbing. Eventually they curled in on themself, lifting their knees as they buried themself in a shivering ball.

_I_ _ **can't**_ _do this..._ , Chara decided once again, but this time they truly, truly meant it.  _I can't.. I don't want- I don't want to face Asriel. Don't want to. Don't! Can't! Please Frisk, please, I don't want to do it. Please don't make me do it. It's bad enough with you in front. It's bad enough then, I can't do it face to face, I can't- I can't. I-_

_Chara-_

_Frisk, please don't make me. Please._

_No. No, you don't have to! This is done. We're done! This is done, okay?_

Chara let out a relieved sob, but somehow they were not as relieved as they would have thought. They still felt awful. Maybe even a bit worse. They just wanted to fade back and away again. This timeline felt like it was for nothing. They just wrecked a lot and confirmed everything worse about themself. That they could only improve so much without crashing down even worse. They had truly thought-! They had truly let themself think with Frisk and Papyrus that maybe it could matter! That they had been on the brink of something of a breakthrough only to back down at the end. They felt miserable. Awful-

"H-Hey, yo." Chara gasped and lifted their head. MK took a cautious step back at the movement. "I..." Chara stared at him, struggling to breathe. Their eyes glanced past him, terrified of who else had come, but the group of kids were small figures in the distance, but even from there Chara could feel the hostile intent. "Yo... I was... I was wondering if you w-wanted to come play with us."

Chara's mouth opened in surprise and they hugged their legs tighter. Chara shook their head. MK deflated. As if he had actually expected them to accept that invitation or at the very least had hoped it, despite everything.

"Oh... O-Okay then." MK took another step back, but he hesitated again. He seemed to want to say something but he just couldn't bring himself to. "U-um... well... see you around, I guess?" He turned his back on them.

"I'm sorry." Chara said again and MK stopped in his tracks but didn't turn to face them. "I'm sorry..." Chara breathed. They twisted on the ground, kneeling in the snow. "I'm... I was just... I was just scared. I...  _I'm just so scared all the time._ " Chara cried aloud. "Since coming here. Since before. Even when I try not to look it, always scared, acting tough and brave and I'm just a coward! And I... I was scared and almost got you seriously hurt! Almost killed you! Killed Undyne-"

They'd almost killed him, too. They'd almost cut him through. They had-

"I'm so sorry!" Chara cried, lowering their head and sobbing into their hands.

"W-well..." Chara lifted their face, surprised that he hadn't just left them there. He was turning around again, not looking them in the eye as he flicked a bit of snow nervously with his tail. "Undyne was really after you. I would have been scared too. But at the time, yo, I was so scared of fallin, ya know? I didn't think. And I had just said I hated your guts, right? So-"

"That shouldn't have mattered!" Chara said, standing up quickly. "If I was your friend! That shouldn't have mattered! I... I should have tried..." Chara's head dropped. "I'm sorry.. I'm so sorr-" Chara jumped as something warm pressed against them and they let out a shocked yelp. But MK pressed harder against them as Chara remained rigid in place. The red eyes were wide and they couldn't catch their breath. They couldn't understand what was going on. His head was resting against their shoulder. What... What was he...?

"Yo, you gotta hug for us." He... Chara cried even harder. Their arms wrapped around around tightly and Chara could feel Frisk tighten their unrelenting grip as well. They were both too tight around MK. But somehow... everything felt so much better. Not alright. But better. The tension had eased even as the dread stayed. They had... had needed all of this. Chara just clung to MK not wanting to let go as they cried openly.

There was nothing left they could think to say, just cry...

.

Snowdin was empty and silent, the buildings, what was left of them, were in shambles... An absolute ghost town except without all the ghosts. But the way Frisk and Chara was fidgeting they were still remembering them

"I'm sorry." They repeated once again.

"you know.. another thing about apologies is that you don't have to keep saying 'em. you're forgiven. sure you can still be sorry and work towards whatever. but it's done." They kept their head lowered, their fingers interlaced. "and if you're forgiven it can't be held against you anymore. and anyone who does after saying they forgive you is being emotionally manipulative. it isn't genuine. and you don't have to put up with that either."

"..I'm sorry I killed you." Chara whispered anyways. "I'm.. I'm sorry for everything." Sans sighed heavily.

"chara, that's like.. the first thing you said yesterday at the service station. several times. you can let it go..." He promised. "i already said i forgave you, right?"

"... You forgave Frisk." Sans blinked in surprise but... they weren't exactly wrong he realized. At least out loud. Sans stepped forward and hugged Chara close.

"i forgive  _you,_ chara." Chara lifted their arms to hug him back, so tightly as they began to cry again.

.

MK laughed in their ear and Chara's eyes opened, a bit of hurt in their chest.

"Man, you're kinda a crybaby, aren't you?" MK asked. Chara closed their eyes again and collapsed back onto him. Laughing uncontrollably through their tears.

...

..

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on vacation with my family. Save me.


	35. Affording To Not Give Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So okay, I was waiting to post this but I feel SO neglectful to you all, so here!! There is a discord channel with other Undertale fanfics! That includes Affording! Come join us!
> 
> https://discord.gg/tJHpBAt

Chara was sniffling as they waved goodbye. Their gloved fingers were curled hesitantly as they did so, but they forced themself to continue regardless of how they felt. Their limbs felt frozen solid and their cheeks stung, growing rosy and chapped. Their head felt heavy like a ton of bricks... but their Soul felt lighter, even if just a bit, as they took in another staggered breath. It was easier to breath, too, they noticed. MK didn't seem sure about leaving them, either, He had reoffered his invitation to play, to fix things with everyone else, but Chara had insisted that they couldn't stay... There were places they had to go. Things they had to face.

Besides, Chara could see the mixed feelings, almost all of them negative, on the distant faces of the other kids. Some of them had eyes as large as saucers, others with suspicious glares. One still entirely hateful. Not one had seemed to have moved an inch the eternity that Chara and MK had hugged. Chara did not think his generous offer was appreciated. It was not a collective idea. And there were only so many things Chara felt ready to face... There were so many thing they weren't ready to face. Were never going to be ready to face...

*So...

*We're...

*Resetting?

Chara's waving hand stopped and Chara swallowed with difficulty.

_N...N-No_ , Frisk perked up in surprise.  _No._

_I promise! You don't have to! I..!_

_I know! It's not that, Frisk! At least, it's... Not yet. Let's not Reset, yet. I..._

They both teetered out into silence.

MK's sister pulled him in close as he rejoined the other kids. She looked absolutely furious and her unforgiving and hateful gaze tore through Chara. Chara grit their teeth and their shoulders tensed. The look in her eyes was too familiar. And too justified. Chara had to turn away.

Because, there were just too many things they weren't ready to face, yet. And overall, Chara had to Save whatever was left of their determination for a much more important confrontation... But they also knew that facing their own justified, self-hatred would play a vital part of it. If they made it to the confrontation at all.

There were just too many things... that they would never be ready for.

But it was somehow easier to make their way back towards Snowdin knowing that the option to Reset was close at hand whenever they'd need it.

Frisk was silent, waiting for Chara to speak first this time as they trudged through the snow. Their body was trembling, their lips near blue by the time they reached the River Person, but their cracking lips were offering a nervous smile.

"Where to today?" The River Person asked, as if everything was normal. Chara stepped in beside them.

"Home." They replied.

The River Person asked no questions. If The River Person could be cryptic, Chara could afford to be every once in awhile, too.

The boat glided over the water and Chara swallowed again, something tense in their stomach building up with each second the distance shortened. The pressure was pressing down on them and the terror was rising up in their chest... But if it had to be done, Chara couldn't think of a better time to do it than now. While everyone remembered them. While maybe they could get a straight, unbiased-by-Frisk answer. The truth. Honesty. It was something they owed other people. That... maybe... they even owed themselves? It felt...

Everything was tearing at them on the inside.

But at the very least, Chara knew that if they Reset now, just like with the apology, they would lose the opportunity to know... Even if they weren't sure what there was to know for certain, but... Something told them that if they took the step back without finishing this they would never be able to take that step forward.

They couldn't stop thinking about how they felt when Frisk told them they could Reset, that feeling that none of this mattered... Chara felt that there was still a way for this to somehow matter.

Even if they forgot.

Chara had to do this. They at least had to try. They could always Reset if needed, but... You couldn't do that the other way around. If they Reset that was it. Resets were one way ride... They at least had to try!

They really, really didn't want to try.

But they hadn't wanted to turn back around and face MK and in the end that had... That'd... Chara took a deep but forced breath as they turned towards The River Person.

"Thank you." They whispered as the waters raced by the boat. The River Person nodded.

"Tra la la. The waters are wild today. That's good luck..."

Chara wasn't so sure, but... for the first time they let themself consciously appreciate the support. The support that they had gotten from everyone in everything. Everyone really wanted to help them. Even if Chara didn't understand... Even when Chara didn't deserve even a bit of it.

Their cheeks were burning just thinking about it, or perhaps that was the change of the air from biting cold to blazing heat. Chara stepped off of the boat. They nodded a goodbye to The River Person but couldn't bring themself to say anything else as they moved forward.

Chara stood in front of the Save Star before New Home...

The house looked even more faded and worn than usual. As if everything had been sapped out of it and pulled into the golden flowers that polluted the space with their intense smell. The joy drained and its memory tainted. Despite what Chara had said, this house was not much of a home anymore. It was but an empty, hollow shell.

The Save Star didn't feel like anything...

The red eyes closed for a moment and Chara took in another deep breath as despite that the Save went through.

There really was no going back now. Nothing to help them stall.

Frisk held their 'hand' and Chara squeezed relentlessly. They stared ahead, holding their breath as Monsters greeted them with the story Chara knew oh so well.. A story the Monsters couldn't even know everything to. Chara slipped into the safety of the bedroom, away from the Monster's stares and the gleam of the unshattered mirror in the hallway that they dared not look into. The door clicked behind them and Chara let out the air in their lungs.

This had all been a horrible idea.

Chara's vision swirled momentarily before the two present boxes came into focus, waiting patiently for Chara. Chara forced another steadying breath and went to the one they knew held The Locket. Chara removed the orange glove and placed it on the floor. Then, they lifted the top of the present. The Locket gleamed gold in its faded tissue paper. Chara let out another breath that could have been the semblance of a laugh if it hadn't been so broken. The metal was sleek against their scarred fingertips and Chara lifted it, sliding their fingers along the chain. The gold heart dangled from its chain in front of them, the light reflecting off of it sadly.

_You know what you did..._ , It acknowledged. Chara swallowed the lump in their throat that was unable to form into tears. The other hand lifted up to balance the heart's tip so it stopped rotating aimlessly.

*Chara...?

*It's okay if... you want to stop.

*I promise.. I...

Chara slipped The Locket around their neck and took a strangely shaky breath.

_***Right where it belongs.** _

Right where it belongs...

Chara cupped the heart in their hands before opening it up, the engraving on one side carved in pitiful letters and the other side completely empty. Chara had never put in any of the pictures they had been offered.

*It says Best Friends Forever.

Their thumb played with the small opening in the back.

*...

*Chara...?

"Mmhm?"

*...

*.

*...

*What... What was it like?

Chara tilted their head.

"What was what like?" They asked closing The Locket.

*What was it like... staying in one place?

*Having a home that was...

Chara's grip on The Locket tightened and they brought it up to their chest.

_*The size of the pie intimidates you too much for you to eat it._

*Sorry.

*Forget I asked, it's-

Frisk was trying to back away even more but Chara reached out and stopped them. Chara pulled Frisk in closer.

Chara's mind was racing with images, feelings, memories... But then it was invaded by all that they had seen of Frisk's own life. Of their mother's arms, shaking and holding them close, whispering into their ear. Empty promises, assurances, empty words. The warmth but at the same time, the alertness. The fear. The way they watched her every action because they had to... What could Chara say? How could Chara describe it? When the closest thing Frisk had to it was that? When they had deserved so much more... And then Chara who hadn't deserved it had...

"I want to show you something." Chara whispered. Frisk shifted closer as Chara stood up and moved over towards the bed. They both stopped cold staring at it.

_*(If you laid down here, you might not ever get up.)_

Chara pushed it off and slid their hand beneath the mattress, hoping beyond hope that it was still there. Their hand found metal and Chara let out a loud breath as they pulled out the tiniest key. Chara felt Frisk's surge of excitement.

_What's it for?_ , Chara smiled and turned The Locket over. The small opening in the back Frisk had noticed but had never known what it was for finally had a purpose.  _But what does it do?_

Chara couldn't help but breath out a laugh. They put the key in its spot and twisted twice, the gears moved still as if new... someone had made sure to that when they had designed it. Chara released the key and slowly it turned, music began to float up around them...

_That's_... Chara kept the heart cupped in their hands, their smile growing somber as Frisk put pieces together...  _That's the tune in Waterfall..._

Chara turned around and rested against the side of the bed as the song continued to play. The song came to an abrupt end as their eyes rested on the bed in the opposite corner of the room.

His bed...

_Chara?_ , Frisk asked uncertainly as Chara stood up straight and began to cross the room. There was the smallest prick of memory as Chara lifted themself up onto the bed; not bothering to kick off their shoes.

_"Chara?"_

_"Move over, you idiot. I'm cold."_  They had lied.

His arms... That warmth... That absolute lack of fear in their hazy mind. As his music box played.

Chara gave the key another few twists, each two twists a new minute, they remembered. Chara curled into the covers and held both The Locket and Frisk close. Chara's eyes drooped.

_I don't...understand,_ Frisk admitted. Chara hugged them tightly. Something painful stirred in the Soul.

_Neither had I..._  They still didn't. Not with the Dreemurrs. Not with Frisk. But Chara pressed tighter. Like Asriel had when they'd had nightmares and refused to admit it. Just like Frisk had done not long ago even though it felt lit it, back in Home. When Frisk had Saved Chara and refused to let go. Chara had not understood. They didn't even now. But they knew it had been real. That intense feeling. Chara did understand at least one thing, they guessed. The house around them had been sapped of everything. But a house was not what made a home.  _I love you, Frisk..._

Chara felt the memory prick in Frisk's own mind and they could guess what it was even before Frisk spoke.

_I... I miss my..._

Instead of finishing that painful thought, Frisk fell silent and hugged Chara back and let the familiar scene play out with its unfamiliar sensations.

The warmth. The safety. The ability to just let go in the arms of someone who loved you. Someone who was staying, listening to their heavy breathing that wasn't in danger of stopping. Someone you were not afraid would slip away from you in your sleep... Just for a moment. Letting go just for a moment. A moment of intense peace. Even after everything.

Chara closed their eyes entirely as they took in Frisk's intense warmth and the aching pain, both physical and in the Soul, ebbed through them as they began to drift off into sleep on the notes of The Locket.

There were so many things... So many.. that they weren't ready for. That they were never going to forgive themselves for... Even if everyone else did. Chara was just... They would never ever forgive themselves, but...

_"Tra la la. Remember to take a break every-so-often..."_

Don't worry about all that. It was all going to Reset. The only one in the end that still truly mattered... was Frisk.

Let Sans wait...

Let go... For just a moment. Just a... moment...

Except... in the haze of their mind...

Chara knew exactly how they could make everything up to Frisk...

They knew what they could give them back.

The Locket clicked and there was silence.

..

.

But Sans was not so much at ease as that.

" **chara.** " Chara flicked the petals of an echo flower, refusing to look at him. They had been avoiding his gaze ever since they had gotten to the part about The Locket. Avoiding Sans' appraising, knowing gaze.

" **chara**." The Echo Flower repeated for him so he didn't have to. Chara shrugged, showing him they were listening even if they didn't want to.

"where's the locket, chara?" Chara stopped flicking the Echo Flower and looked down.

"where's the locket, chara?"

Sans felt like an idiot, an absolute idiot for not having noticed it sooner. He had been so caught up in everything else in the story that those few times they had mentioned The Locket had been lost in the rest of the details. He hadn't given it as much importance. In hindsight, if he thought back to it, he could remember them having The Locket this timeline, but Sans couldn't remember if they'd had it when they had asked him to take them to the Ruins even. He knew for sure that they hadn't afterwards. And they most certainly did not have it now.

"chara..."

"chara..." His sad voice echoed.

"Asriel has it. Flowey." They answered. "I..."

"I..."

"I promised to..."

"-promised to..."

Sans watched them finally turn around and offer him the smallest of guilty smiles. But he could tell that... it was also genuine.. in some ways. Their voices had drifted across to the rest of the Echo Flowers.

"chara **..**."

"Asriel-"

"-promised to..."

.

They didn't wake up to the smell of pie, just empty dust. The regular kind. Even in their sleep, they had been too far gone to dream of the other.

Frisk was still groggy as Chara slid down from the warm bed and slipped into the hall. The house was silent but for the sound of breathing. The Monsters that had gathered there in their excitement upon hearing a human had once again fallen were dozing off throughout the house. Chara walked carefully around them, thankful they didn't have to hear the story they already knew too well and better than the Monsters did. The memories themselves were enough.

_"Y-You should go back, Chara."_

They wished they could, Asriel...

Chara almost reached the end when they came to a halt... The single Froggit.. It was looking right at them...

"You're going to be free." It croaked. Chara smiled sadly for it. They patted its head. Froggit was blushing terribly. Chara heard Frisk giggle to themself.

_"I just don't want to do this anymore..."_

Chara exited out into the hall, the door slamming behind them, intended to alert anyone of their presence. It wasn't as dark as they had expected. From somewhere, morning light was beginning to flood in, casting everything in pink and orange.

The Save Star shone expectantly, but it was still cold, like always.

And Chara was filled with dread.

_***There's nothing left in our way...** _

*Do you think Sans is here?

Chara looked out across the hall...

_Yes._

He would always be there.

Chara moved forward. Walking through the forest of pillars; the shadows short and the light bright. But there was no figure ahead of them to stop them in their path. Chara stopped short anyways, their heart fluttering. This had not what they had expected at all. They felt keenly hurt, somehow. He... He hadn't...

But there was the sound of breathing, much like how it had been in New Home. Chara blinked as they walked forward a bit. Sans was sitting against one of the pillars. Still fast asleep. Chara and Frisk both breathed a laugh. Chara bent down, resting their elbows on their knees as they put they rested their chin against their fingers as they thought. Even as they pushed the memory of the other times they had seen him sleeping across from them away.

They could easily keep walking past, but...

_Do you think if we Load... he will wake up?_ , Chara wondered. Frisk was silent, thinking it over. But also seemed surprised Chara wanted to wake him at all, but something inside them was also comforted by the fact they did.

LOAD

Chara walked through the forest of pillars, a shadowy figure in their path. Chara couldn't help but smile even as their alarm rose and they once again felt like they would be sick.

Their breathing was growing uneven, again.

But the knowledge that Sans had just been sleeping not thirty seconds ago made it all a little bit easier in its absurdity. But... This was also important.

Chara was shaking...

"welp. you finally made it... the end of your journey. again." Chara felt Frisk flinch, and Chara put their hands together and squeezed in comfort for them. "in a few moments. you'll meet the king. together... you will determine the future of this world. at least for the time being."

Chara squeezed harder but forced themself to let go. It was turning from comfort to cruel. Much like his words.

"that's then. now. you will be judged. you will be judged for your every action. though i get the feeling you aren't gonna learn anything from this." His expression was grave, but also sort of lazy. As if he didn't care at all. But somehow, looking at his face. Comparing it to everything they knew. Chara knew he cared a lot. Somehow...

They realized... He was testing them. He knew they weren't Frisk. He knew that they were... And that this was new... Chara lifted their head up higher and put their arms to the side.

"Y-You're right." They agreed. "I know all about EXP. I know all about LOVE. I know about those things more than anyone. LOVE... is a vicious cycle. You hurt because you don't want to be hurt, but in the end... it doesn't keep you from hurting. Like you always say. You just can't tell anymore. You drown in it all. And you enjoy it..."

Sans expression shifted in a way they hadn't expected. It was almost sympathetic. Chara's heart was racing. Their eyes were stinging. They could feel the sins crawling on their back. The black goo of LOVE encroaching around them. Frisk was hugging them, but it wasn't enough. Something inside them hurt.

"then i guess we have nothing to say here. nothing i say will change your mind about what you do, now will it?" Chara shook in place. He couldn't have waited here just to tell them to go to hel- "i get that i don't even know the  _half_  of it." Chara covered their mouth as a laugh escaped them. It was the nerves and the terror racing through them. Sans tilted his head and Chara began to lower their hands again... "and i guess that's how it's gonna stay, isn't it?"

He asked it in that double sided judgmental tone of his that they hated so much... but it was justified, Chara conceded...

It was all going to Reset.

That knowledge hurt again, dug into the most tender parts of their heart.

Sans turned around, as if he were going to leave. Chara's heart lurched.

"Sans!" They cried. He stopped and turned around expectantly. "I..." Chara stood up straight again and took a deep breath to steady themself. They tried to keep their voice even. "Do you think even the worse person can change? If they just.. try? Even... a demon?"

*Chara, no, you're not-

"hmm... if they really are trying. maybe." He answered and Chara's heart fluttered. "honestly kid, i don't know, but i'd like to see it." Chara let out a thin breath as their red eyes closed...

"Then... Then I won't give up." Chara said firmly. "And one day..." They met his gaze, their opening eyes brimming with determination. "I'll help them stop the Resets." They declared. They placed their right hand over The Locket. " _I_  promise."

Sans looked stricken. Like he had a million different feelings and emotions going through him and he couldn't understand a single one. Frisk was a radiant ball of light against them.

"But... it might be awhile." Chara echoed sadly. They looked down at their feet. "We're still sort of a mess, aren't we?"

*You feel a strong sense of love spreading out across your chest.

*You feel acceptance.

*But... you still can't accept it yourself.

_Chara, it's okay..._

"No... it's really not, Frisk. But I guess we'll manage." Chara murmured.

"i guess i gotta hand it to you. you're off to a good start. after all, no matter the struggles or hardships you faced... even when you slipped up every so often... you strived to do the right thing." He shrugged a bit. "you refused to hurt anyone. you didn't gain any LOVE this time. but you gained love." Chara lifted their head slightly, barely watching Sans from beneath Frisk's bangs. "heh. but i can tell by that expression you're wearing that you still aren't exactly sure why... but... i think i'm starting to."

Chara looked up quickly, their lips parting in surprise.

"and now... i guess the biggest challenges are behind you, aren't they?"

Chara shook their head. It wasn't over. Wasn't over by a long shot. In fact... it had just begun. The hardest part. But after all, he didn't even know the half of it.

"well... you just have to know what's in your heart. and i... i think you can find it. and when you do, i believe you? and the other kid? i believe you'll do the right thing."

"I promise." Chara repeated.

They were going to stop the Resets. They were going to give everything back to everyone. A happy end. Frisk was going to know what it felt like for themself, how it was to stay in one place. To have a family that loved and remembered them. Frisk was going to know what it felt like to stay. What it felt like to be loved so unconditionally that it was terrifying... but real. So real. Chara was going to give Frisk what Chara had not afforded to give themself...

Frisk was going to have everything Chara had and more... because one day... They were going to be able to accept it.

They would never forgive themself, but... they wouldn't give up this time. They'd find a way.

Chara would do it.

They  _promised_...

"well... good luck." Sans said. And it was almost as if he truly meant it. And then he was gone...

Chara stood on the edge of the garden, absolutely terrified regardless of everything they had decided. Regardless of their new found determination... They were on the very edge of panic.

What if they hadn't done enough? What if Asgore... Dad... died? And Flowey! Asriel! They-

*Chara... We believe in you.

Chara took another deep breath, shaking as they moved forward into the garden.

They wouldn't give up...

They'd never give up.

They... They...

"You IDIOT."

It was the end of the world...

Frisk was right there beside them, and it was not as difficult as Chara had anticipated. They held Frisk's Soul in their hands, their eyes blazing gold as Frisk and Chara moved with one thought. To Continue. To Fight. To Save. For the first time in forever... Their determination refused to falter even a bit.

_*But it refused._

_Asriel..._

_*Nothing happened. Seems SAVING really is impossible..._

_*But..._

_*Maybe, with what little power you have... You can SAVE something else_

"Mom!" Chara cried out, lifting a hand to the Lost Souls. "Dad!"

_*You called for help_

_"My child, we are so happy to have you here."_

_"Chara! You are the hopes and dreams of Monsters."_

"Undyne! Alphys!"

_*The Lost Souls appeared_

_"TURN UP THE HEAT! Let the stovetop symbolize your passion! Let your hopes and dreams turning into a burning fire!"_

_"But... Whatever it is that's.. that's bothering you.. Everyone is helping me, and I..."_

"Papyrus! Sans!"

"just give up. i did."

Chara hesitated as they looked the two skeletons over.

"THEN EVERYONE WILL."

"why even try?"

"You two... You two  _bone-_ afide idiots!" Chara cried.

"..."

"you'll never see 'em again."

_"BUT BEFORE YOU DO... PROMISE ME SOMETHING. THAT YOU WILL KEEP ON TRYING EVEN WHEN I AM NOT THERE. THAT YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER I BELIEVE IN YOU! AND THAT YOU WILL KEEP TRYING TO LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU. AND THAT OTHERS DO TO."_

_"you didn't gain any LOVE this time. but you gained love. but i can tell by that expression you're wearing that you still aren't exactly sure why... but i think i'm starting to."_

A fire was blazing in Chara's chest and gold eyes flashed red.

"You're not allowed to give up! If Frisk can't! If I can't!" Chara spread out their arms wide. "So get to it! We got promises to keep! Both of you!" There was a flash of intense light.

"NO! WAIT! YOU'RE MY FRIEND! I PROMISED TO BE THERE!" Papyrus cried. Sans was giving them a half smile.

"i'm rootin for ya, kid..." He acknowledged. Chara half smiled back...

They were all going to forget.

Chara's smile fell...

Chara and Frisk stood hand and hand, staring up at Asriel who was trying to tear the Soul in two...

_*It seems that there is still one last person that needs to be saved!_

They needed to reach out! To Save him! To Save-!

But...!

They were all going to forget again!

The feeling was desperate, clawing at their insides. It was too much. It hurt... The idea of Asriel forgetting...

"Asriel!" Frisk cried out, lifting an arm out to him. But Chara...

_I can't..._

Time was slipping out from underneath them. Frisk turned towards them with a loud gasp; terrified.

_Chara?!_

There were just so many things that Chara wasn't ready to face. That they would never be able to face.

But when they finally did...

Frisk reached out, ready to grabbed them, to help them not fall. But Chara grabbed back and time continued to slip.

_No! It's okay, I'm okay._ , Chara promised even through their tears. Frisk didn't understand.  _I just...!_

Time snapped back and Chara hugged Frisk close as everyone else forgot them.

RESET

They collided with the ground, the flowers breaking their fall. Frisk lifted their head as Chara slipped into the back of Frisk's mind.

"Chara?!" Frisk asked fearfully.

_I'm fine_. Chara promised again. Though it wasn't entirely true. It hurt... It hurt more than it was ever supposed to hurt. But it was done now. Done... And Chara still..  _I'm not going to give up, I promise. it's just..._

There were still some things they weren't willing to face. And when they did...

_When I face Asriel... I want him to remember. I want... to never have to take it back. I wouldn't be able to do that, Frisk..._

Frisk sat in the flowers... Understanding washing over them.

Flowey cackled and Frisk jumped as they turned towards him.

"Hold onto your memories?" Flowey taunted. He laughed again by the expression on their face. "This is going to be so much fun! No matter what you do, you're just going to prove me right." He goaded. "You impossible  **idiot.** "

Chara rose up and Frisk's eyes seeped gold again. Flowey summoned their Soul and Chara smiled sadly as they leaned forward. Flowey crouched in a defensive stance, his bullets forming, but he seemed content giving them the first move for once. His curiosity outweighing everything else.

FIGHT

Chara planted a kiss on the top of his forehead.

The flower jerked back in abject horror.

*..!

*Chara!

**"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MORON? I WILL KILL YOU A MILLION TIMES. RIP YOU TO TINY IDIOT SHREDS!"** Chara's smile widened in satisfaction. That only riled him up more and the bullets struck their Soul. Chara and Frisk fell to their knees with a sharp yelp. But they weren't in any danger as fire rained down upon Flowey and he was forced to retreat. They lifted themself up and watched him go, still smiling even if it was sad again.

_"You really are going to do it again, aren't you?!"_

_I'd really do anything for you_ , Chara thought...

Kill. Erase. But also, the hardest thing... Keep going. Afford to not give up...

For Asriel. For Frisk.

And maybe one day... that  _could_ include them too.

And they would never know... if they didn't try.

.

"I promised, I was never going to give up." Chara was giving Sans the same sad smile he imagined they had given Flowey. "I promised I'd come back... Even if he didn't want me to." Their hand was still resting against their chest where The Locket would be. "For him, I'd always come back..."

"For him, I'd always come back..."

"I promised,"

"I was never going to give up."

"For him, I'd always come back..."

Chara leaned in to the closest flower and spoke in a fake whisper as they cupped their hands around their mouth.

"I love you, you idiot."

"..idiot.."

"I love you."

"I love you, you idiot."

The flowers echoed continuously on their endless, self-feeding cycle as for the moment.. Chara, Frisk, and Sans moved forward.

"I promised..." One last Echo Flower managed, not caught up to the rest, and Sans hoped that they were in fact being followed after all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we must go back to missing working on Chara's timeline... T_T


	36. Affording To Say NO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I try to be more interactive in all of this.

"So, we set out to stop the Resets." Chara stated matter-of-factly, their hands laced together behind Frisk's back as they crossed the bridge into Hotlands. Their gaze was fixed pointedly ahead of them as Sans trailed behind. "I decided that there were three things that were needed to get to that." They continued. "We had to Save Asgore. Save Asriel... even if temporary. Somehow. And most importantly, when it did end, Frisk had to be **accepted**."

They came to a stop, the Lab ahead of them. They took only a moment to glance between the Lab doors and the elevator and back again before nodding and making a beeline for the elevator.

Even if Alphys was gone, they were in no way taking any chances in running into the human professors that had started coming here. It was bad enough that they were going to be going through the Core, though perhaps they would ask Sans to shortcut them past it. Even so, Sans couldn't blame them either for wanting to avoid the Lab after everything they had told him... And on top of all that, the last time Sans had been in there it had looked like a hurricane had tore through. But on the other hand, the AC was still up and running and not to mention there had been a couple beanbag chairs added into the mix.

Beanbag chairs, Sans had decided, were one of humanity's greatest contributions to the world. They made sitting down on the job even lazier than it was already. But the kiddos were anything but lazy. They were resolved to continue their journey and their story. Sans was resolved to keep listening.

"three things, huh? but i guess in the end there were a lot more than three things you had to do to get to that." They paused, their finger resting against the Call Elevator button. Then, they nodded slowly. "..."

The elevator door opened and the kids didn't hesitate to step in, almost trying to escape, but Sans followed behind. The doors sealed shut and Sans tilted his head as he stood next to them. They were avoiding his gaze. Again.

"A lot of what happened doesn't matter anymore." Chara stated.

This, apparently, was the absolute wrong thing to say.

"It **does** matter!" Frisk snapped, lifting their head quick. The colour of their eyes deepened as Frisk took control but even so a spark had surged. Sans was taken aback by their stance and froze as Chara didn't rebound in response. Instead, after a moment, Frisk's stance caved in on itself and their head fell again. "If we're going to tell you all of it, it has to be all of it. Or m-most of it."

They peeked back up through their bangs, an apologetic expression on their face. Their fingers laced together in front of their chest nervously and Frisk hid away behind their bangs again as they watched them.

"If we're going to be there for each other, you have to know how we think.." Their cheeks were turning red. "There's a difference in being accepted and feeling it."

"you had to _feel_ accepted." Sans amended for them.

Frisk's shoulders fell but then their entire body lifted again, filled out as Chara returned. It was bizarre how Sans could tell that with just how straight they kept themself. At first he had associated it with Chara being in control but now he was getting that that wasn't the case. Chara could be just as crestfallen. This more certain stance just meant the kids were together, supporting one another. Sans put a hand on top of their head. They looked up, golden eyed, and gave him a small smile.

"You're taking all of this a lot better than last time." They whispered. Sans was instantly cringing. Yeah, he bet... considering he had taken two months to let them open up _this_ time. When it was the end. Now they were the ones who were cringing and when they spoke next, it was noticeably Chara; their voice somber. "We're also _doing_ a lot better than last time."

"There was a fourth thing, too, that we needed that Chara couldn't think of." Frisk was frowning, almost bitter, even.

"chara." Sans realized, understanding why it was upsetting Frisk and making Chara uncomfortable. The three things had been decided by Chara... and there was one thing Chara would never think to add by themself because they didn't think they deserved it. "chara had to feel accepted." Frisk nodded firmly, their bottom lip sticking out. Their eyes were noticeably more brown as Chara retreated a bit out of his knowing sight and from Frisk's determination.

"If I had to feel accepted, then they had to too! Both of us had to feel accepted." Frisk declared but then their head fell again. Their fingers squeezed momentarily. "We're... still working on that." Sans ruffled their hair.

"as long as you're working on it." The elevator doors opened but they didn't move, enjoying the AC a bit longer even as the heat permeated the small space.

"I always make the same mistakes..." Chara whispered as they finally returned. Sans lifted his hand off of their head and stuffed his curled fingers into his pockets.

"well so do i." He told them. Their lips pressed thinly together.

"Yeah, but you don't remember making them." He breathed out a hollow chuckle. "It's not funny." They said, real pain in their voice but they didn't seem angry either. They knew he knew it wasn't funny. "We're just... We're just lucky that Frisk _does_ learn."

"i'd say i was lucky about a lot of things when it comes to frisk." Sans acknowledged. Chara hesitated again and when they lowered their face again their fingers also released each other and dangled at their sides.

"I messed everything up again, Sans. It didn't even take me a timeline. The moment I had any determination back I immediately began to make decisions without even considering what Frisk... I just made them do what I thought we should without even considering them. And I'm... We're..."

"lucky." Sans repeated for them.

"I'm sor-"

"nope." Sans cut them off. He could hear their breathing pick up, they didn't seem to know what to say next then. "so, ya went to work in stopping the resets... whatcha do first?" They blinked but then they began to think, he could see the wheels turning in their mind. "you obviously didn't take a backseat to it all like before." They shook their head. "so... whatcha guys do first?"

"Practice." They told him.

"practice, huh?" They nodded. Then, another familiar but sad smile was spreading across their face.

"Things had reached an all time low."

.

_LO 2...,_ Chara decided as they looked into the mirror at Home. Frisk nodded, their smile stupidly wide as the joy and excitement drowned out everything else. Even if just for a moment. Chara was participating. More than participating. _Maybe LO 1_. Chara seeped past Frisk, the red flickering in their gaze. Frisk heard them hum internally as they slank back and the red disappeared. _This. This is a good range. We stay in LO 2, with one of us in control and no one should be the wiser to your eyes changing so much._ Frisk nodded again.

Again, Frisk was just a radiant ball of joy at the fact they were finally getting what they wanted... This _had_ been all Frisk had wanted when they had started sharing the Soul with Chara to begin with. To not have Chara just as a voice in the back of their head. A thought. And now that Frisk themself had spent time at the different 'levels', they had to admit, LOW made a lot more sense to them now. Even if it still was more like a gradient in reality than actual levels. It was just easier to gauge now. They still needed practice, though. It was easier with the mirror but without it...

_We need to test it on Mom.,_ Chara reasoned.

Okay. The anxiety spiked at the thought and it wasn't all Frisk's. But Chara still pressed forward.

_We need to test a lot of things on Mom._

_Wh-What do you mean?,_ Frisk asked.

_Just... figuring out how we're going to do this in general._ Chara reasoned. _Okay. So I was thinking while you were asleep. About.. what we need to do in order to stop the Resets. I think... I have what conditions we need to get to that but at the same time I'm not sure_ _how_ _we're going to get to that. But... I think I know the method we can take._

_I still don't understand.,_ Frisk admitted. Frisk thought they felt Chara roll their eyes. At least that was the feeling of it and Chara slipped in closer, leaning in over Frisk's shoulder.

"The entire time you were Resetting, you've been changing different variables without really paying attention to what you were actually doing." Frisk's mouth moved and voice spoke without them saying so. Frisk narrowed their eyes, watching the gold light reflecting within them as control of their body split different ways. It was the strangest sensation. But still...

"Variables.." Frisk repeated softly.

"What response will get what reaction?" Chara continued, taking control again with just the slightest nudge. "What you say. What the others do because of that. Those are variables. It's... It's science. The scientific method. You know: hypothesis, variables, data tables. Seeing the outcome and reworking your hypothesis. Repeat. You know... School stuff."

Frisk's cheeks were blazing pink and they felt themself shrink in a bit even as their body didn't respond to that need because Chara was still up front even as they shifted in concern.

_That... kinda sounds familiar._ Frisk didn't want to admit they weren't the best student. And moving around so much hadn't helped. And they hadn't been in school in... in... since falling down. But the word hypothesis sounded right to them.

Chara was silent for a moment, and Frisk could see in their own eyes Chara's mind at work. But they didn't say anything. Instead, it felt as if Chara was wrapping their arms around Frisk and leading them back up, the red in the gold eyes eased and Frisk could feel their limbs more fully but it felt as if a hand remained wrapped around their wrist.

"Well..." Chara whispered and Frisk's left hand rose and touched the mirror with their pointer finger. Chara began to spell: i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t.

"Independent." Frisk said and Chara smiled.

"The independent variable is what we do. It's what we control- er, let's not use that word. That might get confusing later. But the independent variable; it's what we change in order to test. Then there is the..." Chara began to spell again and Frisk sounded it out to themself.

"Dependent."

"Dependent variable." Chara agreed. "It's what happens because of what we did. It's _dependent_ on what we do. Like... What everyone says, for example. The independent variable is whether or not I tell Papyrus- wait, let's not use Papyrus. What we say to him doesn't seem to matter, does it?" Frisk couldn't help but laugh a bit. No. It didn't. " I tell him I have no redeemable qualities and it comes off as humility, so... But let's pretend for a minute that.. what we tell mother does actually matter."

"The pie?"

"Exactly. So... The control to that would be she always makes butterscotch and cinnamon."

"Control?" Frisk interjected, trying out how it felt to switch out mid sentence.

"I told you it could get confusing. The control is when we just let things go. We don't change anything. It's all neutral. But for the experiment, if I told her I prefer cinnamon, but then also tell her that I don't like butterscotch or that I'm allergic, I _hypothesize_ that she won't add it to the pie. So my control is I don't tell her about my preferences and she just makes it. That shows me what she would do naturally. But then if her behavior changes because of something I said, my independent variable, then I know it is because of that variable and not something else."

"So that means..." Frisk's eyes narrowed again as they thought it over. "That means you can only t-test two things at a time? So you know-"

"Exactly!" Chara jumped in, excited. "The cause and the effect." Frisk smiled, something warm in their chest. "So when you were Resetting you were kinda just... going with your gut." The warm feeling began to fade. "You didn't really pay attention to what you tried or didn't try. Or figuring out why something worked or why it didn't. We need to test everything better."

"That..." Frisk trailed off, feeling a bit uncomfortable. "That sounds sort of like a game." .

"It's not a game! It's science! We're not Flowey!" Chara bit their tongue. _We're not Flowey. We're not doing this for the fun of it! He did all that to entertain himself! We're actually trying to solve a problem!_

_...,_ Frisk's eyes were glued to the mirror, red and gold mixing. They felt Chara sigh.

"Look." Chara said softly. Chara's expression on Frisk's face was serious. "We have the Saves. We have the Resets. We should use them while we can. Some things... we will avoid." Like Asriel knowing they were there... Like anyone really knowing Chara was there... Or at the very least knew they were there AND knew who they were on top of it. "But the things we have already worked with, we can use the Loads. As long as in the end we get to where we want to be."

"The Resets end." Frisk breathed.

"Right." Chara said with a firm nod. "Asgore is alive, we've gotten through to Asriel, and..." Chara was smiling warmly for them and Frisk's stomach fluttered. "And you can stay. Just like I promised! Okay?"

"T-The Barrier...?" Chara froze...

"You don't want to break it, I know. We'll figure that out. That is what this is all about. We should afford to make mistakes while we still can. And we'll... figure it out. I promised... _Okay_?"

"O-Okay."

"Good. Let's get going, then." Chara said. They looked over towards the side, down the hall... "First things first."

The anxiety was mounting for both of them as they stepped forward together, still awkward in some things but overall in synch when it came to walking. And perhaps it was because Frisk let Chara do most of the work, too excited even to care that they were anxious. Chara was actually getting into it! Working with them! This was all that they had wanted... All they had tried to do from the very beginning... And now here they were! Chara was actually into it!

"Oh. Up already, I see?" Toriel greeted as Frisk and Chara stepped in beside her chair. Frisk felt Chara hesitate, but then slip into place. Frisk's eyes flashed gold as they began to test the waters. Toriel didn't seem to notice and kept talking to them, the same dialogue as usual as Frisk and Chara shifted places every so often at varying degrees... Nothing.

But Chara glanced over towards the fireplace... The light dancing along Frisk's face. That could be affecting their outcomes. They would have to find a better place with more consistent lighting to test this later, too. There were just a lot of variables Chara hadn't considered before... They hadn't been keen on participating before… But even with the fire it was still good practice regardless. They just had to practice with Toriel for the long run. Out of all the monsters in the Underground, she had the most history with humans. Other monsters may not be as knowledgeable to the fact that human eyes weren't supposed to change colour. She'd be the easiest reaction to read if she did in fact notice something.

"This may come as a surprise to you, but... I have always wanted to be a teacher." Toriel began to pout. "Actually, perhaps that isn't very surprising." She conceded.

"You'd be a wonderful teacher." Chara said, their smile sad and knowing. Frisk felt the pang reach into their own heart. As soon as Chara had said it, they were retreating back. Frisk knew their eyes were darkening ever so slightly in response. Toriel paused, blinking as she watched them.

"I'm..." Frisk began, but they couldn't bring themself to finish the sentence they had decided upon.

_"I'm excited to learn from you..."_

The guilt and the doubt were consuming them from the inside out. Chara rose back up, flooding them with warmth in response and Frisk breathed out more easily. But Toriel was still staring, looking directly in the eyes. She could see the flecks of gold. She could see the changes. Frisk could tell. And so could Chara... Not everything could be explained away by the flickering fire. Yet, she didn't say anything.

"Still..." Toriel continued warmly. She reached for their hands and Frisk jumped as she touched them and drew them in closer. "I am glad to have you living here." Mentally, Frisk retreated back. Their eyes flashed red.

_Stop!_ , Frisk flinched but Chara held on and dragged them back up abruptly to keep their eyes from tilting past gold. _Red eyes are not an option!,_ Chara reminded. _The red eyes would give it all away!_

Frisk was stuck in place, stuck in Chara's and Toriel's grasp even when they wanted to run. Somehow the affection felt more intense than usual. Perhaps it was having spent all of last timeline in the backseat... No wonder Chara had freaked out when Frisk had tried to get them to participate before. And that had only been one timeline for Frisk. Chara had had several, multiple, who knew how many timelines of being in the back and unseen. And after... _that_ timeline. No wonder they had pushed back like they had. Frisk held their breath and glanced up to meet Toriel in the concerned eyes.

"My child?"

"What are you reading?" Chara pressed. Toriel's expression fell in surprise but then she was smiling as she released their hands and picked her book back up from her lap.

"It is called _72 Uses for Snails_." She said merrily. "Would you like to hear some?"

_Ch-Chara..._

"Later?" Chara asked, tilting their head. "I want to explore!" Chara told her, acting excited. Toriel laughed.

"Well okay then. Please stay inside for now. And I'm afraid downstairs is much too dusty to play or explore through. Talk to me again if you need anything." They nodded and slipped away. Frisk took back control.

They came to a stop in front of their bedroom door and breathed out. That had felt weird. Chara slipping in and out while someone was watching. Chara slipping in and out! But that was good... Except... Frisk couldn't help but feel slightly miffed. Their chest tightened at the thought. Chara had retreated back and then Frisk couldn't... But... But..

The tight feeling in their chest eased.

The red eyes really would give it all away, wouldn't it? Chara knew more about all of this. And Frisk didn't want to discourage them.. It was best if Frisk just followed their lead-

Wait.

Frisk blinked and stood up straighter, thinking about how Chara had shrunk back and why.

_Chara?_

_Yes?,_ Chara asked, seeming distracted. Frisk could tell they were thinking.

_Was it Toriel who taught you all that? About science?_

_I... I think.. Well of course! Who else would have?!_

_But you were accepted, so wouldn't you have gone to normal school...?_

Chara was silence...

_I don't know anything about your life._ Frisk realized.

_It isn't important._

But it felt important.. To Frisk. They really didn't know anything. At least not from Chara. Just from what they saw at the Homes. Just about the pie incident with Asgore. The plan with Asriel. Other than that...

_"I know why Chara climbed the mountain. It wasn't for a very happy reason."_

But other than that, it was suddenly very real that Chara knew a whole of a lot more about Frisk than Frisk knew about Chara.

_I can feel you thinking and I said, it isn't_ _**important** _ _._

Frisk looked down at their feet.

_The important thing is continuing this. We have to get Toriel to talk to us away from the fire to really see how it works. The fire casts too many shadows and light. It's an extraneous variable I hadn't figured on._

_A.. A what?_

_But then again, knowing we can use different lightings to our advantage like that is good to know too._

_Extran-ous, what?_

_Just like that. Extra. We need two variables to get a conclusion, right? But the fire was a third._

_Right._ Frisk said, and they thought they actually understood. But just in case, they let Chara lead the way... And that was for the next few days, only Loading a few times because of mistakes. Frisk simply watched, played along. Letting Chara take the lead... It didn't matter if they didn't try Frisk's idea this time, they could later. Besides, they had tried all of Frisk's ways before. And if they were uncomfortable with something, it was only temporary. Just for a few days. And then at the end of it...

_Okay?_

_Okay._

RESET

They were going to keep it the same as possible, neutral, until they figured out what they wanted to test. Probably Asgore, Chara reasoned. He was the linch-pin to get the rest. He had to live or else getting to the other two things was pointless and they'd have to restart. Maybe even Reset.

They had the power... They should use it while they still could...

_"Please do not come back."_

"Hey..." Chara whispered as the Ruin doors slammed shut behind them, in order to try and distract Frisk from the reverberating sound.

"What?" Frisk whispered back.

_You know what else we could call the independent variable?_

Frisk had to think through which one was which again. _What?,_ they asked once they had.

_The_ _ **determinant**_ _variable_. Chara decided. Frisk could feel Chara's smirk even as the stick snapped loudly behind them. _Because it gets to_ _determine_ _everything._

Frisk stood frozen on the edge of the bridge as Sans crunched forward through the snow, breathless...

Because sometimes, that wasn't true. Sometimes it didn't determine anything. Sometimes it still turned out all the same.

**"h u m an."**

Frisk spun around before he said so. A re-emerging, sick feeling in their stomach.

What if, when all of this was over, after they Reset so many other million times doing this! What if he was angry again? What if he wouldn't let them stay? What if he-

_Alright_ , Chara interceded as the whoopee cushion went off. Frisk had never been the one to learn how to block off their thoughts and feelings from Chara, not really. _New plan of action._

There was still an obstacle in their way... The same obstacle as always when it came to getting to Asgore and Flowey.

Sans.

And of course Chara hadn't thought about him, again...

_We need to practice talking to him first._

_What?!,_ Frisk nearly yelled aloud as they hid behind the conveniently shaped lamp.

_We need to practice getting our story straight!,_ Chara told them.

_Wh-What story?!_

_We need to figure out the best way to tell it. You want to tell him. That was what you wanted. When all of this was done._

Frisk stood still, thinking...

They guessed that wasn't wrong. But that had been... after. When all of this was done. They wanted to be accepted and Sans had to know the truth if they were going to get to any of that. But they... They didn't want... They weren't sure...

_Come on. We should do it now, so we have room to make a mistake.,_ Chara pressed. _It's not like he hasn't known before._

_But..._

_Papyrus is leaving, we should get going too..._

Frisk walked as if terrified the shadows were going to come alive and eat them. They hardly said a thing, the anxiety and dread building up and up and up.

They didn't want to. They didn't want to do that. This. They didn't want to, not when he- Not when he was going to forget. They didn't think they... They didn't think they could-

But Chara said they should practice... Maybe it.. would be best to practice. So they didn't fumble with it as much later. But... B-But...

The emotions racing through them as they walked away from him on Snowdin Trail were too real. And they kept walking. They walked past him in Waterfall, not speaking. They walked past him at MTT.

_I guess that works,_ Chara reasoned. _The less he knows us the better we can judge his actual, neutral reaction._

And what if that reaction was more negative than positive? What if they-

_Are you worried?,_ Chara asked. Frisk shook their head. _It'll be alright. Trust me, okay?_

_O-Okay..._

The Save Star in Judgment Hall was cold. Colder than usual... Frisk's hand was shaking. But Chara was firm and warm and determined... It was such a contrast to the past. It was so much like a memory that Frisk barely remembered. Back, all the way back, to the original timeline. To when Chara had held Frisk firm even though Frisk hadn't known they were there. Back to when Sans had smiled at them for real, back before they had first Reset and something was _lost_. Before everything had repeated and its meaning faded...

The shadow before them waited amongst the forest of pillars and Frisk found it hard to breathe.

_Let me.._ Chara soothed and Frisk gratefully retreated back. They were so glad they didn't have to do this alone. They were so glad that they were now in this together. The gold eyes pierced through Sans as Chara smiled. Chara took another step forward, the red eyes bleeding through. Frisk stopped, shocked at the change. Chara had been adamant in No Red Eyes this whole time. But guess if they were going to tell Sans the truth then it was best to let him know the two of them were together-

But Frisk could see Sans falter, a bead of sweat across his skull as he began their judgment.

"You never gained any LOVE." He said with a shrug. "course, that doesn't mean you're completely innocent or naive." His eyes met theirs. There was another bead of sweat. Chara looked almost as if they wanted to devour _him_... "just that you kept a certain tenderness in your heart. no matter the struggles or hardships you faced... you strived to do the right thing."

The right thing...

"you refused to hurt anyone."

"Well... " Chara spoke up. "It's not like I _refused_ to." They waved a hand as if they were flippant about the whole thing. They were smiling as they eyed Sans in the corner of the red eyes. "You're just lucky Frisk's here to stop me."

_Wh-what?,_ The shock was electric through Frisk's Soul. They didn't underst-

"I know a lot about LOVE, Sans." Chara continued, still smiling, still eyeing him maliciously. "About LOVE. EXP. I know about those things more than anyone. If I had my way, I'd have never lost them."

_Ch-Chara, what are you doing?,_ Frisk asked reaching out in desperate confusion. Chara's smile widened, and the shock Frisk was feeling was transforming, the realization of what Chara was doing burning their fingertips and they jerked back. And suddenly... It was as if a long forgotten emotion had been unlocked out of its cage. Hot and tight and all of it completely unseparated from themself as Chara continued.

"If I'd had it my way, none of us would be here-"

.

"If I'd had it my way, you'd still hate me." Chara said. Their voice cracked and Sans felt the magic in his chest freeze cold and he felt funny with realization. He bent down to get to their eye level. He lifted his hands up, the palms open and reluctantly they put their palms against his. His thumbs rubbed against their unscarred skin.

"you tried to use yourself as a scapegoat." Sans said softly.

"Frisk had to be accepted..."

But that was where that word change to Chara's ultimate condition came in... because sure it would help _him_ accept Frisk, but Frisk would...

_"You can't hate them, please, don't hate them..."_

Frisk would have absolutely crumbled.

But then again... That spark. That emotion behind Frisk's voice when Chara had tried to avoid this topic...

"We're lucky Frisk learns." Chara whispered. They laughed a bit through the tears in the back of their throat. "We're lucky they relearned how to let themself get pissed off."

.

Chara gasped as Frisk slammed into them. The red eyes blazed gold and Chara's feet revolted as they fell out beneath them. Chara and Frisk landed on their hip, pain racing as they struggled to breathe. Their chest felt like it was tearing itself apart as Frisk fought for control.

_Stop!_ _**What are you doing?!** _

"What are.. **YOU** doing?" Frisk gasped out, reluctant to push Chara too far but at the same time-! Chara wouldn't stop fighting back.

_This is what we're trying- To get him to accept you! We've got to- We've-_

Frisk caught sight of Sans' expression. The black eyes, the uncertainty, the sweat...

The pain was rolling through Frisk, tearing them apart from the inside. Just like... back then, before _that_ timeline, when Chara had been trying to get them to give up and Frisk refused. Back when the anger was something separate from themself, but now it was Frisk who was angry. Now, Frisk refused once again and they knew who they were refusing.

Without the LOVE Chara had no hope in accomplishing anything, they were still fighting but it was hardly a fight. Frisk held them down, the only sign something happening was their stolen breath and stretching pain. Except... now Frisk had to do the one thing they didn't want to do the most. Frisk's eyes squeezed shut as both the physical and emotional pain tore through them to the core. All it took was one forceful shove and piercing scream from Frisk to shoot Chara down and out of the Soul. And with it-

LOAD.

Frisk gasped as their hand shot back away from the Save Star and they stumbled back towards the door. Chara was panting somewhere in the back of their mind and Frisk rushed out into the hallway and away from Sans.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Frisk screamed, the scream echoing down the hall. Their fingers were digging into their hair as they struggled to work through their disbelief. "What were you DOING?!"

_This is what we have to do!_ , Chara yelled back, their anger fueling them with more energy they weren't sure they should have. _We have to make it so he never-_

" **NO**!" Frisk screamed. "NO! NO! _**NO!**_ " They stomped their foot.

_**WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO DO THEN?! If he actually knows everything! I'm the problem, Frisk!** _

**"NO!"**

_**This is what I have to do-** _

"NO!" Frisk screamed again, their voice cracking with a sob. "No!"

_**-to help you!** _

"HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO **HELP** ME?! This isn't what I wanted! I don't want that! I want-!" Frisk could feel Chara's rage, the furiousness that came with not understanding a single thing. But when they tried to speak again- " **NO**! No! Shut **UP**! No! I thought you were getting it! I thought you were finally coming around! I thought you were finally doing what you want-!"

_What_ **_I_ ** _**want** is you to be happy! Accepted and to stay and -_

"But I want you with me! I want! What did Papyrus say?" Frisk gasped. "What did he SAY?!"

_He says a lot of things-_

"NO! I know you know what I'm talking about! WHAT DID PAPYRUS SAY?! I know you remember! You remember everything! And this was just days ago! WHAT DID HE SAY AND YOU **PROMISED?!"**

*I don't...

"You do! You do or else you wouldn't be feeling guilty! And you are and I can feel it! And- A-and..." The tears were streaming down Frisk's cheeks unimpeded. "What did he make you promise?!"

*That I had to learn to love myself... as much as he loves me.

"You can't just forget that just because it Reset! You can't just-! Chara why would you do that?" Frisk sobbed. "You know that isn't what... You knew I'd never agree to that, why would...?"

*...

"Y-You know I would never agree to that? R-right?" Frisk could feel Chara curling in on themself. Frisk could feel, even though Chara was trying to hide it, that they didn't _**understand**_.

*He... He's not actually going to forgive us.

*If he knew about Papyrus dying-

*He...

*He just said it to get you to Reset..

*It's my fault, you just have to tell him the truth-

"That isn't the truth!"

_It's my fault!_

"Stop!" Frisk begged, covering their face with their hands. "Just stop..." They turned back towards the door to Judgment Hall.

*Frisk...?

*Frisk, don't-

"If we **have to** do this, we're d-doing this m-my way." Frisk said as they got their breathing back under control. They were shaking, but determined. They moved out past the forest of pillars... still shaking. It was as if they could hear their own bones rattling, the memory of bones flying filling their mind at the thought-

*Frisk...

*Frisk, _please_...

Frisk stood tall, even as they trembled, in response.

"So you finally made it..." Frisk's stomach flipped at his usage of what they had dubbed his 'Judgment Voice' so long ago. It had been awhile since he had used it though, that was a bad sign. Frisk wasn't so determined anymore... "The end of your journey is at hand."

"Sans..." Frisk breathed, the tremble was even in their voice. But they were desperate. D-determined. Their stomach flipped but in their heart they knew... They had to continue. If they were going to fix the impression Chara had just made... But they shouldn't _**need**_ to fix it. Frisk pushed that aside and swallowed. "Sans." They said more loudly even though he had waited for them, had clearly heard them the first time. "Sans I... I need to talk to you."

"is that so?" Sans asked flippantly. Frisk's stomach dropped but they nodded.

"I... I need to talk to you about... everything."

*Frisk...

Frisk felt Chara reaching but Frisk refused to reach back. They looked determinedly ahead.

"everything, huh? well... how well did that go for you **last** time?"

Frisk swallowed again. Of course he knew. He could tell they Loaded. He could tell by the expression on their face that they had messed up something awful last Load and then had taken it back. He just couldn't know what. He couldn't know that they were trying to make it honest instead of-

They... They shouldn't have Loaded... That was the point of everything... They shouldn't have _Loaded_. But now they couldn't take it back-

_"let's just get to the point."_

What if he wasn't going to listen? What if he attacked them with his hatred, his knowing, and didn't try to listen. What if Frisk couldn't bear it? But Frisk... Frisk had to bear it. They deserved it. They deserved this. They couldn't hide behind Chara. All of this was...

They wished they could take it back. All back. Straight away to the first timeline. To get back what they had lost...

But that was how they had lost it to begin with.

"You know about the Resets."

" **yeah**?"

This wasn't... This wasn't going to work...

*Frisk, please, Frisk...

*Stop... Stop, it's...

_*It's better than..._

_*Knowing for certain that he was lying._

But Frisk couldn't! If they Loaded now... Reset... Now that they'd started they had to finish it. They had to finish what they'd started.

"You know what I've done."

"and you just want to bear it all to me anyways, confirm what i know, to make **yourself** feel better. and let **me** just bury myself in more **grief."** Frisk's mouth opened wide in surprise.

"N-No, I-!"

"well, you've been avoiding me the whole way and now you want to _**talk**_?" He asked, his fingers flexing in air quotes. Frisk bit into their bottom lip. "i'm pretty sure this isn't the end of the road, is it?" Frisk's heart lurched, wanting to assure him, but what could they say? He was right. This wasn't the end. "tell me, what's the point of trying to **understand** all of this if i'm just going to forget again, huh? if not just to make me **suffer** knowing i'll have to just go through that _**again**. i... _ i can't.. _"_

"I..!" Frisk's heart was racing. Sans' eyes were black voids but his brow was also furrowing, the soft crack in his voice vanishing as his anger took over again. He was honestly.. pissed off. Angry.. And he had every right to be. They'd hurt him.. They'd hurt him again.. "I'm sorr-"

"you think this is just some _**game**_?! that i'm just someone you can pull to your side when you need it and not give a **damn** about how this affects me in the end?!"

This was a mistake. This was all a mistake. Frisk had _known_ it was a mistake. Frisk should have said... Should have told Chara-

"No. W-we thought... We thought it was better to do it now when we could make mistakes..." Frisk said, the tears building up again. Because Frisk _hadn't_ thought it was better. Chara had... But Chara had been lying, too. Chara had been planning to- And didn't tell Frisk- And- Frisk should have said-

" **right**. no **consequences**. well guess what?! there are consequences! even if they aren't for you, okay?! so take your sorry excuses, and-"

Frisk was drowning.

LOA-

Frisk gasped as they pulled themself back from Loading. Sans stuttered, gasping as well and Frisk's heart raced even faster.

He could tell. He could tell even when a Load didn't completely go through! He could tell, even in his sleep when they Loaded and he could tell whenever the world blipped and he could-

Frisk couldn't breath.

This was ruined, now. They didn't know what to say, he... And it wasn't fair to expect him to listen even if they did, and-!

"kid-" Sans tried, but-

Frisk turned and ran... They didn't even bother to wait and hear what Sans had to say. They pushed through the door and into the hall and didn't stop. They just ran. Ran and ran, tears streaming down their face.

They didn't stop until they were somewhere deep within the Core. They honestly hated the Core but going forward anymore required more energy than they had... And they hated Hotlands even more. Frisk sat down rough against the ground and panted as they caught their breath. It was near impossible through their tears.

*I told you...

*It's better if you just let me take the blame!

*And then-

"No!" Frisk gasped. "No, it i-isn't..." It wasn't better. _It isn't better!_

_He'll accept you,_ Chara tried, getting closer again in their urgency. _He'll accept you, you just have to-_

"If it's not real I don't want it!" Frisk cried. The two fell into silence again as Frisk curled in on themself. _If it's not real I don't want it... I want to stay. I want to stay more than anything! But if they don't want me, too... I can't just lie. I can't just keep going around in a circle until I get the result I want! Get the right words to convince everyone they should forgive me! I can't- I..._

__But Frisk-_ _

__What about Asriel_?_

Frisk felt Chara freeze, they were rigid in place.

_You said you wanted that to be real. I... All of this. Sans is right. He is. We can't keep doing this. I want it to be real. I can't live a lie... And you! We... We were supposed to do this together, Chara. That was what I wanted. And I thought you finally got it, and just... I want to stay, but I also... I want to deserve to stay... To have it be real.. I..._

They felt Chara begin to cave in understanding. Just kind of. They sat together, surrounded by the hissing and clicking of the Core.

_But you do deserve to stay..._ Chara told them. Frisk was hugging themself.

_If I do then you do, too._

Chara sighed.

_Frisk.. I.. I murdered everyone._ Chara tried.

_**I**_ _murdered everyone._

_No, Frisk!_

_**No!**_ _No. It was your lie, but I didn't have to do it! You keep thinking, I know you do, you think that it was all your fault but I could have told you_ _ **no**_ _. I didn't have to Reset and do it.. I could have stopped at any time! I didn't want to hurt them! But I did! I_ _ **apologized**_ _for it and then_ _ **I still went and did it**_ _! And then! I almost didn't take it back because I was too selfish! Because if there wasn't a point for **me** , then- I can't do that to them again. If he doesn't want to accept me... Then I'll accept that! Maybe you're right! Maybe he WON'T forgive me! But he has that right! You... You can apologize... but that doesn't mean they have to forgive you... It's... It's just enough that he let me try... That he tried... That he... helped me do what I should have done from the very beginning._

Frisk's mind was turning it all over as they began to calm down.

_In... In True Lab, you remember what you yelled at me?_

_I... I think I asked you to stop me._ Chara said. Frisk nodded. Chara had meant it sarcastically at first, or so Chara had thought, but it had been a real want too. Chara was always angry at Sans for not stopping them before it went bad, but Frisk could have stopped them too. They just...

_You... You say you should have never touched the flowers... but... A-Asriel could have told you no... Asriel_ _**should** _ _have told you no. I should have told you no! I just... I just didn't know there was a you to say no_ _**to** _ _. And finally when I did... Chara... It's both our faults. Both._

_Frisk-_

_**No.**_ Frisk refused. _No, it's both. And it has to be both of us in this too. I was so excited... So excited you were on board but if that is what you want to do, use yourself to... deflect the blame, I won't let you. I_ _ **won't**_ _. We're not supposed to let each other do that to ourselves. We'd decided. We'd promised!_

_I...!_

They both fell into silence again... Both of them were confused and not sure what was going on in the other person's mind, if they knew what they were thinking themself...

Slowly, Frisk reached out and reluctantly, Chara reached back. They simply sat and held each other; the gold eyes brimming with more tears.

_I'm not going to sit by anymore. We're in this together... No one is ever hurting my family ever **again**_ , Frisk whispered. _And that includes you to yourself..._ , Frisk breath shuttered, _Don't ever make me do that again! Don't ever make me force you out ever again! We're in this together... Please..._

_I.. I'm sorry, Frisk..._

Frisk sighed and closed their eyes as they rested against their knees, Chara warm against them...

_I forgive you... but promise me... please..._

_I won't on purpose, I'm sorry... I'm sorry I lied about Sans, I'm sorry-_

Sans...

Frisk closed their eyes tightly and buried their face against their knees. But there was silence again, Frisk and Chara sat in the silence, both thinking and not knowing what to do about it. Frisk could feel Chara's guilt...

Frisk had really wanted him to trust them... They'd thought they'd been getting to that. And now... Their worse fear had been confirmed. They'd hurt him again and he-

"kid..." They gasped and looked over their shoulder. Sans stood tense behind them.. His teeth gritted in an awful cringe. He stepped closer and Frisk tensed, their raspy breathing from their crying picking up again as they coward. Sans stopped, not seeming certain about anything.

He... He didn't seem angry anymore. Almost... sheepish.

"i..." He let out a strange chuckle. "i was worried." He admitted, as if he wasn't sure why he should have been. "seein' your face and then you high-tailing it outta there. i just... it felt familiar. i..." He sighed and he motioned beside them with his foot. Reluctantly, Chara nodded for them both and Sans sat down.

They could see the uncertain guilt rolling off of him as he looked out across the floor.

"i just had to let the anger drain a bit before comin after ya or else i'd just make it worse. even more than i already had."

"You're not the one who made it worse." Frisk whispered and Chara stirred, wanting to retreat a bit but Frisk held on, needing them. And Chara resigned to it. They were in this _together_...

"i just... you can't do that to me, kid, you just can't... i know there's something i can't understand. i just... i want you to do better? but at the same time... it's just so _frustrating_. waking up... you can't understand how this all feels."

He looked absolutely exhausted...

Frisk reached out and grasped his hand that was resting beside them on the ground and he glanced away.

"But I do understand." Frisk's teary voice cracked. "Waking up... and everything is the same. Nothing is going to change. You're not in control. It's all a treadmill in the dark that you don't know how to stop. And I.. I kept going even when I knew a way to get off. Because I thought I... I had to keep trying. To do better. To save everyone!" They squeezed his hand tightly. "But I couldn't... We couldn't. We had to learn... to be happy with what we had. Good food... Friends.." Their heart fluttered in relief as he glanced towards them. "I'm sorry... I do understand. I understand it exactly. That's why I do want to talk. To help all of us, but... You were right. Not now. We shouldn't have done this now. I shouldn't have let them... I'm sorry. I'm sorry... We shouldn't have tried that. We messed up, I'm sorry-"

_I'm sorry..._ , Chara whispered.

"We're both sorry!" Sans eyed them, clearly not sure by what they meant by that. But then he sighed and closed his eyes.

"i'm sorry too, kiddo...kiddos?" He added, still uncertain. But he opened his eyes and gave them another cringe that pretended to be a very strained smile. "but how about you... promise me something?" Frisk nodded. "don't... do that again. for both of us. don't do that again."

"I... I won't. Not until we're all done. When we've stopped the Resets. And it's soon! I promise! It's soon! There's... I- There's a decision I keep putting off. Because, I'm... scared. But it is soon. I know it's soon! I'm sorry... I... We won't do that again. Not until it matters-" Sans let out another tense chuckle and it broke Frisk's heart.

"alright, kiddo... it's a promise." Frisk leaned in and hugged him. He only hesitated a moment before hugging them back.

*You don't think he believes you...

_**Don't tell me what I think.,**_ Frisk ordered, the anger sparking in their chest.

*...!

*...

*Sorry...

*What do you think?

Frisk opened their eyes and glanced the back of Sans' skull as they continued to hold him tight. Their shoulders fell sadly.

_I don't think he believes me..._ , Frisk agreed, _but he wants to..._

*...

*Yeah...

And just like always...

RESET

But they were even more determined than before that it would not always be _always_.

They were determined to get to that conversation... To be able to tell him again and to remember. Even if it terrified them more than anything...

His willingness to listen...

It filled them with determination.

.

"Thank you…" Frisk told him, smiling weakly. Sans shook his head.

"i'm not sure you're getting the same story i am. and you're the one _telling_ it, but okay… it doesn't seem like i did much of anything. you talk about me being there but i haven't seen it. chara was right, i seemed to do absolutely nothin'."

"That's true." Chara admitted. "You didn't really do anything but exist." Sans sighed. "But somehow… I guess that's kinda okay. What more could you have done but listen?"

"but i didn't listen?"

"Yes you did. You listened. And you came."

"eeeh..."

"Well you're doing it now." Frisk echoed.

Sans just sighed…

And as the kiddos turned around to walk away, he felt the sharpest pang of guilt...

They stood on the edge of one of the pathways, looking out over the Core... Somewhere in the distance there were workers, they could hear them calling to each other, they could hear the banging of metal. Somewhere there were professors and doctors examining everything. Frisk and Chara peered down into the Core and Sans felt uneasy as he pulled them back from the ledge.

"let's not do that." He told them. Chara stuck out their tongue and then they looked back down.

"Do you think there _was_ someone in Snowdin? Cutting ice?" Sans shook his head.

"the humans and alphys rigged something up for that." He told them, though he couldn't remember what.

"Hmm..." And the two of them stood there in front of him, completely oblivious to what he knew.

He knew them a lot better than they knew him, he realized. That hadn't been true in the beginning, but now... Sure they could read his face, his expressions, but he did, in fact, know more about their story than they did his, and...

And the idea of losing that... For them. For him...

Sans sighed again as they all continued walking.

He was worrying over nothing. Toriel hadn't even said anything specific. Just a hint. He had been doing well enough to ignore and forget it up until then, he just needed not to pick at that. To listen, like they wanted. To make himself believe that it mattered and **nothing bad was going to happen**.

The Core seemed to groan in response and Sans gave a helpless chuckle.

Because if something bad did in fact happen, he wasn't going to remember it; it would just be a feeling.

And they'd be all alone, again.


	37. Affording To Open The Dam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time it took us  
> To where the water was  
> That’s what the water gave me

"Human... It was nice to meet you."

_"It was nice to meet you."_

"Goodbye."

Frisk and Chara ran together through the fire, the burns grazing against their skin. They hissed in the worse kind of pain, but when it came time, they stood firm, their head held high.

_*You firmly tell Asgore you don't want to fight him. His breathing gets funny for a moment._

But still he struck.

_"They... Asgore... Will kill you."_

_*You know he does not want to._

Frisk forced themself to take a deep breath as they stood beside the Save Star, its light washing over them but offering no warmth. The Save Star in Judgment Hall _never_ offered any warmth... They looked down at their hands, turning the palms upwards. As always, the blood and burnt skin was gone but they saw it anyways in their mind. And Chara saw the scars and the promise they had made.

The fingers curled together tightly into fists and they swallowed. Chara filled Frisk with the warmth the Save Star failed to provide. And with it... determination.

**One.**

They made their way back out across Judgment Hall and to the edge of the garden.

_*You tell Asgore that he's killed you once before. He nods sadly._

Two.

_*You eat the Butterscotch Pie. The smell reminded Asgore of something..._

Three.

Five.

_*You tell Asgore that he's killed you five times before. He nods grievously._

Seven.

_*You firmly tell Asgore to STOP fighting. Recollection flashes in his eyes..._

Ten.

Twenty.

How many times?

"You've killed me too many times to count." Frisk said, their voice trembling...

_*Seems talking won't do any more good._

Their Soul shattered.

_*All you can do is FIGHT_

But they refused.

The orange light of Judgment Hall enveloped them once again and they took a deep breath. They looked out across the shadowed, stone forrest before them. Sans' judgment this Reset already felt like forever ago. Frisk could feel Chara's anxiety heightening with each death; the tension like a string in their chest as Chara ran out of things to say and warmth to give.

But they could do this.

They would.

They had to.

They just had to keep moving forward.

To stop the Resets this is what they needed to do. If they wanted to stop with The Barrier unbroken, they had to Save him; Asgore. From Flowey... From himself...

A way for him to not die and for Frisk to stay. There had to be something. That key combination of words that could get him to stop the Fight early and to prevent Asr... Flowey from striking him down in one blow. Something they could say... They just had to find it. If anyone could find it, it had to be Chara.

Frisk, though they would not admit it for Chara's sake, had thought it would be easier. They had only tried this seriously in the first timeline. After that, Asriel had cornered them into battle and they hadn't needed to pay attention to this. Saving Asgore had given way into Saving Asriel. They had thought their options this time would have lasted them longer than they had...

And they had reasoned that, with Asgore hating what he was doing as much as he did...

But even so, in the back of their mind, Frisk also saw themself: holding a knife, as Sans repeatedly killed them... wanting to stop but seeing no other way to quit.

Frisk could feel Chara going over the situation at hyperspeeds. It all made Frisk dizzy to think about and sad that the only Frisk could do was reach out and send Chara a wave of warmth. Chara practically growled in frustration. They were growing increasingly more irritable as time went on.

"Maybe we should take a break." Frisk offered.

*A few more times!

Frisk gave what was almost a sigh and looked down at their feet. Frisk was sure Chara hadn't slept since their own timeline and it concerned them. They weren't sure how that worked but Frisk was sure, even for Chara, that couldn't be good. Even if physically Chara didn't need it, it just couldn't be good!

*Three more times!

*And then we can take a break...

*A short one.

Frisk nodded and the two went forward through the hall, Sans still long gone even if it had technically only been a few minutes.

_*Asgore attacks!_

Going in. Failing.

So many times, too many times...

Frisk's Soul...

Chara stepped forward, Frisk's eyes seeping gold as Chara abandoned the Save Star and made their way into the garden.

They had to stop him. They just had to stop him! They'd been here so many times before, but.. There had to be-! There had to be a new angle! Something left to say!

The pie. The words. None of it works...

All they can do is Fight.

Frisk flinched in the back of their own mind with each blow Chara struck, Chara letting out their own guttural shouts. But they had to, they reasoned. They just needed to listen. Something new...

And soon, he was on his knees in front of them again. His voice was deep and rumbled like thunder but it cracked brokenly, striking their tender heart like lightning. But they listened... Searching... Searching for anything in his speech to give them what to say.

"Truthfully... I do not want power. I do not want to hurt anyone. I just wanted everyone to have hope..."

"Take my soul, and leave this cursed place."

Chara could feel Frisk's Soul tremble and it served to drive their hand forward even though it would all end badly regardless.

**ME/R/CY**

"After everything I have done to hurt you..."

"I promise you..."

_"_ _ **I**_ _promise."_ Chara had said.

"For as long as you remain here..."

Frisk was going to be able to stay.

They just had to find a way!

"No. That's just a fantasy, isn't it?"

Chara stayed rigid in place, holding their breath.

"Young one, when I look at you... I'm reminded of the human that fell here long ago... You have the same feeling of hope in your eyes."

_"You are the hopes and dreams of humans and monsters..."_

Chara couldn't stop the gold eyes from closing, from hiding away as their head lowered darkly...

"I'm sorry... I couldn't give you a simple, happy ending... But I believe your freedom... is what my son... what Asriel would have wanted."

_Asriel..._

They could feel the air shift and split with magic and the pain rippled through them. Chara bit their bottom lip, the taste of blood on their tongue as they covered their ears, but too late. They had already heard the telltale sound that indicated a monster crumbling into dust- It was suffocating them. There was an intense pressure in their chest. They heard his Soul shatte-

LOAD

Chara took a deep breath and took a step back from the Save Star.

_Chara, please, let's stop for-_

"One more."

Frisk was silent but did not stop Chara from moving forward. Asgore's words were echoing through Chara's mind... An idea was forming.

_Asriel_...

Yes, they had an idea.

_*You eat the Butterscotch Pie. The smell reminded Asgore of something._

_*You firmly tell Asgore to STOP fighting. Recollection flashes in his eyes..._

They stood, the flames dying down around them and they lifted their head high as they spread out their arms.

"Stop fighting!" They demanded. Asgore's fingers trembled and Chara could feel frisk watching intently. It filled them with Determination. "Listen to me! This isn't what your child would have wanted! What your son, Asriel, would have wanted!"

Asgore froze and Chara lost the air in their lungs as _hope_ fluttered in their chest.

"No..." Asgore said, his deep voice so low.. broken... "But it is what Chara had..."

Chara couldn't feel their limbs, the pit of their stomach was hollowing out as Asgore lifted his trident; flashing orange.

_ME/R/CY_

The Soul-

Chara gasped, crying out as they covered their mouth and leaned forward beside the Save Star in Judgment Hall.

_Chara!_

Chara pressed their hands harder against their mouth as they struggled to breath, the tears immediately springing up and tracing down their cheeks.

He knew.

He _knew_.

And did he know what Chara had done? Did he-? Had he put pieces together? Did he-? Did he suspect-? Did he blame-?

Chara stood up straight, forcing a deep breath as gold eyes flashed red and they raced towards the garden.

"I won't fight you!" They shouted before Asgore had even had time to notice they were there. He halted in his tracks, mid-hum, and looked up. His expression fell in shock and horror as he realized who was speaking to him, or at the very least, _what_... A small, human child. Their expression fierce and tear stained and the red eyes on fire as they shouted once more: "I won't fight you!"

His head lowered and his face was masked in darkness.

"But we must."

Chara felt like screaming. Covering their ears and screaming at the top of their lungs. Everything said to run, but they could not. This was not the solution, either. They could not just avoid him. Frisk deserved to have a home they didn't have to be terrified of being ripped away... And Asgore deserved... The emotions were too strong, choking them. The rebellion in their chest- Chara had indeed put their hands up against Frisk's ears as they gritted their teeth.

"Then you're going to have to come and get me!" Chara screamed, lowering their hands and staring directly at him. "You're going to have to come and get me!" Asgore stood unmoving. He still would not relent. Chara's heart was breaking. _Dad..._

Asgore's head lifted quickly, and Chara's heart raced in realization that their mouth had echoed their thoughts aloud. They took a step back, not knowing what to do. Asgore reached out for them, a look on his face that terrified them. A realization of his own, a hope, even... They turned to run but quickly they screamed as a firm hand grasped their shoulder-

Time began to snap back-

"Wait!" He begged, but-

LOAD.

Chara fell back onto the ground, gasping for breath as they shook on the ground.

Frisk was silent, warm and supportive, but Chara could feel Frisk's stark surprise. Chara closed their eyes and sank back down onto the ground, giving themself a minute or two... Maybe.. maybe a bit more than a minute or two... The ground was cold and painful beneath them but it was firm and solid and just what they needed. Frisk slipped into control, allowing their breathing to even out a bit in comparison. Soon, Frisk lifted them up off of the ground. Chara made no protest as Frisk escaped out into the hall. Chara curled up in the back of Frisk's mind, thankful for the silence.

And Frisk walked...

Walked without aim.

Just walked.

To sit idly would let their mind wander, to close their eyes was a laughable idea.

They just walked...

Their shaking limbs relaxed as they got into an elevator and the sweet AC blew over them. And then, they were out again, they walked. Walked and walked... Calming themself and Chara down as best they could.

They could already feel Chara's thoughts stirring up, trying to pick up a train of thought and something to say.. How to continue. But it only lead them back to what had happened and they buried their face. Frisk took a deep breath for the both of them and Chara let their mind drift thoughtlessly again.

The air was thick with moisture and the world was a gradient of blue and black hues.. Water splashed beneath their feet and Frisk gave a big jump, getting their legs wet and muddy.

They came to a stop as Chara moved closer and Frisk held their breath, the sound of the music box faintly echoed through the corridor and Frisk could feel Chara straining to listen. Frisk reached up and touched The Locket around their neck. Chara came even closer and Frisk perked up as they shifted to let Chara in control.

And Chara walked, but this time it was with a clear destination in mind, and their fingers still gripping The Locket.

The statue sat pitifully in its spot, the red umbrella protecting it, much too late, from the pattering would-be rain. Chara reached up and touched either horn, the points were worn and still wet and gritty between their fingers. Mud trailed down their hands and Chara lowered their head.

"It really was a foolish decision..." They whispered, letting go of the horns and their hands hanging limply at their side.

_Chara?_

"Putting the statue here. It was foolish..."

..., Frisk knew that was not what they were actually thinking about.

Chara lifted their head, looking at the faded monument, the sound of the music box digging into them.

"You asked what it was like... to stay." Chara reminded. Frisk 'nodded'. Chara closed their eyes. "Too much." They breathed. "Intimidating... I couldn't accept it was real. Why... should it have been real?"

Their fingers returned to The Locket around their neck and their voice cracked as they continued...

"But then... the thought of it actually being real.. scared me more than the thought of it being torn away." Chara reopened their eyes, looking up at the dripping water. "I couldn't stay. You remember that timeline, after... _that_ one...? You fled to give them something back.. And I... I did the same back then, with them. I ate the flowers."

Frisk was silent, their mind conjuring up the look on Toriel's face.

_"I don't deserve to be here."_ They had told her, and they had seen she had heard something similar before. Even then Frisk had wondered, had thought of Chara...

"I... I wanted to give them all the sun..." Chara said, choking up as they did. They were blinking furiously, and while Frisk sat thinking of timelines ago in the basement of Home, Chara was even farther back. Standing before The Barrier for the first time with Frisk, Frisk's determination flooding through them. Frisk's wanting drowning out everything else. Wanting this to be their home. The Monsters to be their home. To stay. To get to the surface. "I'd really wanted to give them all the sun!"

_Chara, I..._ , Frisk was cut off by the briefest flash of a memory that wasn't theirs.

They only occasionally got things from Chara. Little blips here and there. Chara was too good at hiding it from them. But now... The flashes continued. Little things. Hands reaching out, taking little yellow flowers from white paws and putting them to their lips. One. Two. Three. One for each of their new family. A smile on their face even as their brother looked on with fear. Promises. And a memory of the sun... The sun rising instead of setting as they stood there, one, with their brother..

Frisk had seen that memory before, deep in the darkness of True Lab, when everything had shattered. But now, Frisk began to realize, this was being consciously given to them. And Frisk watched, even as they felt cold at how the memory would end they offered Chara only warmth.

And the memories continued even if still calculated and guarded by the giver. But the fact it was being given... That Chara was opening up to them at least a bit... filled Frisk with determination.

And so the memories tumbled in... Farther and farther back...

Fireside readings, pitiful drawings, knitted sweaters, mouth watering pie... The warmth of a family. The warmth of a home that Chara had already shared with them; tucked comfortably and safe next to your brother after a nightmare. And even more... Ill-thought out pies, a smile that sent them running. Intimidating...

New and some familiar... The memories they had seen before, in their fight to Save Asriel.

_"Chara? That's a nice name..."_

The fall.

But beyond.

Frisk gasped in surprise as the memories didn't stop and their heart raced. Chara did not respond, only letting the memories play in short bursts, not wanting to show it all but at the same time...

Fields of flowers. A child all alone. No one to call for help to... and when it was ever offered...

_"I couldn't accept it was real."_

All alone...

The memories cut off and Chara opened their eyes. Frisk wrapped their arms around them. The two stayed in silence, the music and sound of pattering rain surrounding them as Chara swallowed down tears.

_Thank you..._ , Frisk said finally. _Thank you for showing me. For.. trusting me. I'm sorry. You were all alone._

Chara shook their head, swallowing down more tears.

"I had a grandmother." Frisk paused in surprise.

_...Was she nice?_

Chara laughed, but it was broken by the tears they were still refusing to let form.

"No. She was cruel." Chara breathed out sadly and closed their eyes again. "But she was doing what she thought was best for me. To protect me..."

More memories shot through Frisk's mind, and they began to realize... The Underground was not the first time humanity had taken everything from Chara. And their grandmother had served to remind them of it at each turn, instilling her own hatred of humanity into the child.. Believing that would be the only thing that would keep Chara safe... when she was inevitably gone as well. And gone too soon.

"She... loved me more than anything." Chara realized. "She just didn't show it very well."

Chara gave a soft, ingenuine smile.

"Harsh. Manipulative. Scared. Mistrusting. Hateful. She turned me into her... and then I took it one step further."

_...,_ Frisk wasn't sure how to counter them but they wanted to.

"I only remember her smiling kindly once, and it was as she told me I had to always be able to stand on my own. It was also the only time she ever let me see her sad." Chara lifted a hand to their eye and wiped at it as they sniffled. "We can't afford to be sad. We can't afford to be open. We can't afford to show we care. To even care at all. Crying doesn't solve anything so big kids don't cry..." Chara laughed again, bitterly, as they wiped at their other eye. "And now I cry all the time."

Frisk mentally squeezed Chara in a hug.

_That's okay. I do too._

"Yeah."

_... Thank you..._ , Frisk said again. They could feel that Chara was still uncertain that they should have shown Frisk anything.

"It wasn't important." Chara decided.

_It's important to me. You're important. I wanted to know more about you._

"And now you know..." Chara whispered. "And you know.. you have a lot more of a reason to hate humanity than I do."

_They took your parents..._ , Frisk countered sadly.

"But maybe they deserved it, too. I don't know... I don't remember them. That's my point." Frisk didn't have anything to say again.

_I'm still glad you showed me...,_ They stated. _It's still important_. Chara sighed.

"Yeah."

And it was. Even though it had been painful for both, Frisk was glad Chara had shown them something. That they trusted them enough...

And Chara was glad to had told, too. To be open, to be honest, even if they still kept some feelings hidden at all cost... To unburden at least some of it... It felt like a weight slipping off of them. And they didn't feel afraid... because...

"You're important to me, too, Frisk." Their cheeks were burning even though they had said it several times before. "I love you."

Frisk was radiant beside them, Chara could feel their beaming smile.

"But..." They turned away from the statue and looked back towards the way they came. Back towards New Home and Asgore...

"No." Frisk said sternly, slipping more into control. "Break. We're done for today." Chara sighed and closed their eyes.

_But then what?_ , Chara asked.

_... I don't know._ Frisk admitted. _But we'll figure something out._

Chara nodded but they didn't feel as determined as they had been before.

"I'd really wanted..." Chara'as voice trailed off. They couldn't say it again, especially since all they heard was Frisk's voice with their tone and they hated it. Because Frisk had really, really wanted that too: the sun.

They walked together through the Underground, planning on heading to New Home and taking a much needed nap. Both of them. Frisk insisted. Chara only sighed in resignation... but they were, in fact, incredibly tired. Not just physically. Chara fiddled with The Locket as they went, dreading New Home's dusty atmosphere.

But they didn't make it to New Home. Instead, they came to an abrupt stop.

Sans was there at his station, the one in Hotlands where he had his illegal hot dog stand. They honestly hadn't expected it. Either of them; Chara or Frisk. They couldn't remember a time they had encountered him after their Judgment. At least until their fight with Asriel. It felt strange.. It felt... new.

But there he was, resting his hand against the side of the station, bending down so they couldn't see the front half of him as if he were digging for something or perhaps putting something away. Chara leaned forward, both physically and mentally, trying to see if they could sneak past him without them noticing, but he was already standing up and unfortunately.. noticing them. He came to just an abrupt a stop at the sight of them. Chara stopped breathing for a moment as their eyes met, and they realized... the red eyes had to be unmistakably apparent.

Chara could feel their cheeks burning... in embarrassment or shame they weren't sure. Maybe a bit of both... It was the first time since they had tried to use themself as a scapegoat and he looked so uncertain. Their breath when it picked up again was shaky and uneven, but Frisk was there, soothing them. And their eyes seeped gold.

But it was too late. He had seen them. He had seen _them,_ Chara, in the red eyes _._ It was too late to run and despite Frisk's comfort they were still a level of tense and they could see Sans was too. It was too late to run for sure. They could Load, but...

Their tense expression softened, their lips parting in realization as they stood up straighter, cowering less before him. They could suddenly see it in his face.. That was the expression of someone who knew they'd been dying.

Dying _a lot_.

He knew about their Loads... So of course he knew. About the endless loop they were currently putting themself through.. and not having any frame of reference as to why.

Again.

Chara opened their mouth wider, but their voice caught in their throat and they closed it again and looked down.

Frisk had promised not to talk about everything until it stopped... but... Chara lifted their head again and they feigned determination as they stood straight and pressed their lips together. Frisk had promised not to talk about everything, but that didn't mean they couldn't ask him what he thought about now...

Chara hardened their expression and made their way over to the station. They had no room to hesitate. If they hesitated they'd lose their nerve. Sans slipped behind the station, and it offered just enough emotional distance for Chara to see it through. They slammed their hands against the top of the counter.

The sound of their hands against the wood drifted back into silence as Chara forced themself to meet his gaze, the amber eyes unblinking. It only seemed to unnerve Sans more, as he had no clue as to what they wanted, but Chara couldn't back down.

"sorry, kiddo. the shops not open, but if ya wanted somethin' to eat, i'm sure paps would love to have another go around." They examined him a moment, trying to read into what he was trying to say. He knew they were dying... and he his first words were suggesting to go to Papyrus. Chara couldn't help but smile sadly...

"I'm not here for a hot dog, and I don't think Papyrus can.. help me in this." Their voice faltered and they felt again that this was a bad idea, but it was their bad idea and they had to see it through. "I need just a moment of your time."

Sans hesitated again... but then he sat back into his chair and tried to look relaxed.

"well then. slide over your nickel. the doctor is in."

It was as if they were exchanging pauses and hesitation more than words. Chara half frowned in confusion, the nickel throwing them off.

"what's up, kid?" Sans prompted as they took his joke too seriously and too long to answer.

Chara's stomach turned and Frisk pushed a wave of warmth their way. Chara could feel Frisk's curiosity but also their alert presence, ready to pounce if Chara did something damaging to themself like they had last time... But they stood back, letting Chara keep control... The trust... Chara didn't understand.

And they also didn't understand...

"How do you... show Mercy to somebody who doesn't deserve it?" Chara asked... forcing themself with extreme difficulty to keep Sans' gaze. Sans raised a brow and Chara broke and finally looked away. He couldn't understand what they were thinking about. Not with being told everything. "Never mind. Forget it." They mumbled. "But..."

_ME/R/CY_

"How do you give somebody Mercy who won't accept it?"

They looked back up, their eyes pleading with him for an honest answer.

"i..." Sans seemed utterly surprised and he didn't seem able to find the words. Just as Chara expected...

They looked down again.

"He doesn't stop... He won't stop." The image of Asgore's head lowered, his shattered expression whenever he turned to greet them and realized what they were, his broken father's heart... Chara closed their eyes tightly, the pain flooding them and Frisk could do nothing to counter that. "How do we make him stop? We-" Chara gasped loudly, the familiarity of the question hitting them. They looked up, eyes wide. "That's your question!"

Sans blinked...

"uh... i'm sorry, you lost me."

"That's your question!" Chara repeated. "How to make us stop! How to make Frisk happy? What do they want?" They twisted in the direction of New Home. "What does he want? How do we make Asgore happy-?" They lifted their hands to their temples, rubbing at them as they stared unfocused at the ground. "No. I know that." They chastised themself. "I know all that."

Asgore was just like Frisk... he wanted to give everyone hope. To make them happy. But if they ever got that... Flowey came. Flowey ruined it.

Chara's head dropped...

This conversation was absolutely pointless.

"This is impossible..." Chara whispered.

_No, it's not! We just have to keep trying! We just need to take a break! And start again later!_ , Frisk pounced on the doubt but Chara was unmoved.

They were being logical, they reasoned.

Chara looked up, their insides eating them up.

"But Frisk deserves to stay." They looked up at Sans once again, willing him to understand even without them telling him everything. "Frisk deserves to stay, Sans. This is just impossible! It's an impossible choice! They're just a child!"

.

"chara, you're just a kid, too."

.

_Chara, you're just the same!_ , Frisk countered. Chara stopped short, but... Still they pressed forward. Their point still stood. They leaned in across the station, their eyes desperate.

"You're the judge. If you told him... If you talked to Asgore..." They could see Sans' metaphorical heart breaking. His entire stance dropped and the lights in his eyes, while they didn't disappear entirely, did, in fact, darken.

"the king isn't going to listen to me, kid... not one person he barely knows over the hopes of the entire underground."

It clearly pained him to say it, and for that, even though Chara felt the despair seeping in, they also felt they liked him a bit better for it. It didn't help them in the slightest, but at the very least they knew he understood. And that he did, in fact, want to help.

He just didn't see anyway he could...

This was impossible. This really was impossible! But there still had to be a way! Something they weren't seeing! They had failed in everything else! There had to be a way!

Their grip on The Locket was merciless as their mind raced. The back of their eyes were starting to sting and they realized they were on the verge of crying again.

"hey..." Sans leaned in. Chara blinked and tried their best to focus on him through their blurred vision. "have a mint. free of charge."

He offered them a cylinder object and Chara sniffed and reached to open the lid. They didn't want it, but they knew it was all Sans had to offer. And besides, maybe it would help with the growing ache in their stoma-

Chara gasped as they jumped back, whatever object that had been in the can flying towards them. It hit their arm and they flailed to get it away from them. When they had calmed down enough, the affronting, fake snake lay lifeless on the ground and they stared at it in continued shock. They glanced over towards Sans who was cringing, seeming not to be sure if that had been for the best...

He'd...

He'd pranked them.

They'd been in the middle of a serious conversation and he'd...

Chara heard Frisk attempt to hold back a giggle and it only made Chara smile wider.

"You think your _so_ funny!" The tone of their voice helped Sans relax and he offered them a smile.

"well the laugh in your voice seems to agree that i am."

Chara laughed out right at that. And they didn't stop. Frisk couldn't hold back their laugh either and they leaned up against the station to support themself. The tears were still in their eyes but this time it was because they were laughing so hard.

"You're a jerk." They told him. But they were still smiling. Sans just shrugged and sat back in his chair.

"i've been called worse." Chara hummed in agreement, but something caught their eye. At his feet was a box full of similar junk; whoopee cushions, buzzers, things they weren't sure what they would be used for. Chara looked away but the realization was already working its way into their mind.

He'd come here... Because they were dying... And all he could do, at the end of it all, was offer them that bad laugh.

"it's getting late." He told them. Chara's smile fell and they felt Frisk grow colder. "you should get some rest... i... i'm sure papyrus would love to have you for the night."

Chara stared at him, reading him, even as Frisk grew radiant again, joyful.

Good food, bad laughs, friends and family...

"He once said, or... maybe he didn't say it anymore, but he once said he thought I would enjoy the couch." They admitted softly. Sans' smile grew a bit more genuine.

"well then. it's settled." He offered them a hand. "we should get goin'."

Chara glanced back in the direction of New Home, the hesitation still there and their stomach still turning. They closed their eyes tightly and took his hand.

The world spun beneath them, and then it was solid ground again.

"SAN-! HUMAN!" Chara and Frisk opened their eyes, already offering him the greatest smile that they could.

Papyrus lifted them up, telling them that their hang out had been superb BUT now that they were friends with both he and Undyne! And that Undyne was also staying in Snowdin! They could all have the most fantastic sleep over the Underground had ever seen!

Frisk laughed, and Chara... Chara was growing determined again. They were going to do this. Frisk and Asgore deserved their happy ending! Deserved hope! Family! A home!

_That_ was what they wanted.

Chara noticed Sans in the corner of Frisk's vision, watching them, still nervous but seeming happy to see Frisk smile.

As if.. that was what he wanted, also.

That too, filled Chara with determination.

Frisk was right.. They needed to stop. They needed to rest. All of their thoughts were running together. They weren't able to think everything through.

They'd get to the bottom of this. Together.


	38. Affording To Call For Help

The dream Chara'd had was vibrant in their mind; the dream that was also a memory even if it had mixed the past with the present and then distrorted it. Because in the dream, when they had gone out into the garden, it was not how it had been in the past when they had lived in New Home but that was where the borrowed memory took place. But the garden wasn't even that of the present, either. The garden was flooded with their little yellow flowers, both of them. The ones they had loved so fully, the golden flowers they did not know the true name for, and those fateful buttercups.

The flowers grew side-by-side, their stems lacing together. The joy and the sadness irredeemably intertwined forever.

And there Asgore was, kneeling down among them.

"Who knew something so small could cause so many problems." He said to them without looking up and Chara's fingers had tightened around their worn dagger... But he did not mean to refer to them, at least not entirely. At least in the actual memory, he had not meant to, but in the dream his voice was laced with knowing. Chara looked on as Asgore observed the small petals of a buttercup as he traced it with his thumb that was slowly blistering before their eyes.

So small and the colours so bright. Yellow. The colour they associated with hope. For their golden flowers. For their father's golden hair. For the stripes in their brother's shirt. For the Save Star that offered them another source of warmth, that replaced the birght, yellow sun. The buttercups. So bright, so small, so destructive. A mistake.

But what if they could use that destructiveness for good? What if there was another source of hope? What if the yellow colour was not in fact a mistake...? The sun was also harsh and cruel but beautiful at times. They also wore yellow strips, and supposedly Chara was also a source of...

"We must keep up our hope in any little way we can. Together." He told had once told them and he repeated in the dream.

"But what if there is a better way?" Chara had whispered, the plan already forming in their mind...

If they could use that destructiveness for good... If they were  _human_.. If that was all they were truly good for...

The dream, the distorted memory, was fresh in Chara's mind as Frisk left Papyrus, Sans, and Undyne in Snowdin. Papyrus offered his warm smile, Undyne her fierce encouragement, and Sans? One last punnific performance followed by Papyrus' horrified declarations of disbelief that this would be the memory he chose to send them off with. But Chara had laughed softly along with Frisk.

"See you later." They had told everyone, a promise in their voice. And as they walked away, they reluctantly held the dagger in their hands once more.

After all.. It was still good for cutting weeds and vines... It was still...

They chose not to think of it much more. They chose not the think about the fact that they still had no plan. No set of variables. So few choices to explore.

The Locket bounced against their chest as their heart pounded against their ribcage.

But they would do this. They could. They believed.

Frisk and Chara Saved in the rose-tinted light of Judgment Hall, that thought, that mantra, echoing through both of their minds.

They had to do this.

So therefore...

They could.

They  ** _would_**.

But even then the Save Star refused to offer them any warmth...

Asgore was not watering this time, instead he was bent down much like in their dream, picking flowers. The ones in New Home had already begun to whilt. He heard them come in and just like always he called out to them to wait as he finished up. The memory the dream had manipulated flashed in Chara's mind and it breeched over into Frisk's.

_Him turning towards them, smiling that same smile he had given Chara from his bed a few days before, even as his stomach had tried to destroy him from the inside out._

_"Howdy, Chara! Would you like to help me pick flowers for the kitchen table?"_

The garden had had such a variaty back then...

Frisk's fingers had begun to grip the dagger tightly and they bit their lip, the warmth and sadness of the memory too much but at the same time filling them with resolve. Filling them with determination...

"Dum dee dum."

_*You want to run._

They no longer wished to run... They too often ran. Hiding away... Much like he did, hoping to avoid the problem. Hoping another human never came.

It was a new day but Asgore's expression was just the same upon seeing them. Chara flinched, cowering a bit in the morning light as somewhere a bird squawked out of tune. Frisk took a deep breath, the smell of the golden flowers choking them, reminding them of the inevitable Reset to come...

"Greetings." Chara spoke. The pain flashed so clearly in their father's eyes.

The Locket, the dagger, their words... It was all designed to strike him true.

_"...You have the same feeling of hope in your eyes."_

But the fear balanced evenly with the hope. They really were scared, both of them. And Chara also felt a wave of guilt.

Asgore lowered his head darkly and that guilt only amplified. But also the determination.

Chara had made this mess... They were going to get Frisk out of it.

But their hand was shaking.

_"the king isn't going to listen to me, kid... not one person he barely knows over the hopes of the entire underground."_

Even if he did not want to do this...

_"It's what Chara had."_

"You know what we must do." Asgore told them.

What they must do...

The memory of them putting those flowers to their lips flashed within their mind and they flinched again. But Frisk was there in an instance, as if holding their hand. Chara stood up straight, lifting their chin.

"I want to stay." Frisk said quickly as he turned to go into the other room. Asgore stopped short of taking that final step that lead out of the garden and onto the battelfield. "We could just stay... " Chara continued. "We could be like a family." They saw his stance waver and he looked over his shoulder towards them. They saw his defenses lower, but not enough. "I don't want you to have to fight."

"Come into the other room when you're ready." He said, his voice broken and his eyes blank. And then he left, not heeding their words, but he had indeed hesitated.

They reluctantly followed him out to The Barrier, determined to find the right wording.

One.

They rushed through Judgment Hall...

"Greetings."

Two.

"You know what we must do."

Three.

"Small one, it is... but a fantasy."

Four.

"But it's not a fantasy!"

The more they pushed, the faster he escaped into the next room. Their determination to get him to stop only forced him to harden his heart against them. Because he had to get to The Barrier. He had to get them into their Fight. He had to destroy-

ME/R/CY

"I don't want to fight you."

_*Seems like talking won't do any more good._

Five.

Six.

Seven...

Seven.

 **Seven**.

Seven homes Frisk had seen. Seven souls. Eight.

Eight.

Chara collapsed in the back of Frisk's mind, fire raging all around them as Asgore initiated his turn. Frisk gasped in shock as full control was shifted their way, their eyes flashing brown as their LO faltered considerably all at once. They ran alone, dodging the rain of fire as best they could as Chara cried.

Eight. Eight homes, Frisk had technically seen. Eight Souls hurt. No.. more than that. And still there would be more. Chara had just been in so much denial that they could stop all of this. That they could solve any of the problems they had caused.

They couldn't keep doing this...

This was impossible.

ME/R/CY

_"he's not going to listen to one person..."_

The pie. The words...

 _Ch-Chara...?_ , Frisk prompted in desperate concern. Frisk tried reaching out for them as best they could while also concentrating on the raging flames, but Chara refused to reach back... They stayed collapsed in the back of Frisk's mind, sobbing. There was a falling sensation in Frisk's chest as Chara continued to collapse.

But they had to. They had to keep going. They'd promised. They'd promised to not give up. They'd-

_*But we can't..._

Frisk staggered to a stop, taking in deep breaths as the attacks halted and their turn lay before them.

_Chara?!_

A wave of fresh pain rolled over their Soul and Frisk reached back even more desperately.

*I need...

*I need a moment.

*I'm sorry.

*I'm...

Frisk bit their lip and kept their distance from Chara even as they tried their best to send a countering wave of reassurance and warmth and determination... but they could not entirely hide their own creeping doubts.

Frisk looked up at Asgore who stood expectantly for them to take their turn...

How many times... had they been there? How many times?

They didn't really know Asgore, they never got the chance. Their interactions had been limited, never moving past this scene, not really, before a Reset would occur. But Chara knew him. They had seen him through Chara's eyes. He was a good man, but hurt... Frisk knew that, too, through their own eyes. He was hurt. They had seen him scatter, they'd seen... But they don't know how to stop it either, any more than Chara. What words their untrustworthy throat could attempt to produce. What words that allowed them to stay. For the adults to stop. For the adults to let them stay... If they knew, they would have never fallen into the Underground to begin with. They would have never lost their mother.

Frisk's breath caught as they felt Chara falling more into despair, unable to pull themself out of it like they wanted to. And Frisk can feel Chara's frantic thoughts. Still trying to find a way. There had to be a way. Something ! The right thing! Chara was thinking about his smile.. On his bed smiling at them, even as his stomach tried to kill him. There had to be a way! A better way!

But still... What could they say...?

*There's nothing left to say!

"I..." Asgore was waiting, Frisk had to take their turn.

Frisk's eyes were filling with tears at the thought of all the things they wanted. All the things they wanted to learn about him, all the things they wanted to do. To have that cup of tea. To listen. But all they've ever gotten was...

Asgore's head was still lowered, the trident held tightly in his hands.  _The knife tightly between their fingers even though they didn't want to hurt..._  The dagger slipped from Frisk's fingers and they grapsed at The Locket with both hands, squeezing tightly with all their might as they tried to flood themself and Chara with the warmth of memory, the memory of sleeping close to someone, their comfort after a terrible scare. But still the pain was rippling through both of them as they were stuck in place.  _Their mother's hands too tightly around their arm. Vines. Toriel's soft fur-_

_A smile, him in his bed as his stomach tried to kill him. Because of what they'd done._

A tear fell along Frisk's cheek, and in their own mind they thought about his smile... As magic filled the air, his body crumbling into dust...

"I've..." Frisk's eyes narrowed as the pain consumed them. "I've seen you die too many times to count." They told him.

*He doesn't care!

Chara was broken and sobbing and collapsing even furthur.

*That's not going to work! He doesn't care!

*He doesn't care that he dies!

Frisk's breath shuttered as their Soul felt another stab of Chara's intense pain, but Frisk... Frisk knows...

If Chara had seen the outcome of their death they would have never touched the flowers.

If Asgore knew...

"I've seen you die too many times to count!" Frisk cried again, covering their face as they sobbed loudly.

Flowey. Himself. Frisk had almost gotten close to doing it as well, if they had just gotten past Sans. They just...

"I don't want to." Frisk cried into their hands. "I don't want to fight. I don't-" They don't want him to die. They don't want to die. They don't want anyone to die ever again!

They staggered, almost collapsing onto their knees from the weight of it all.

"You've died too many times to count..." Frisk lowered their hands and tried their best to look directly at Asgore through their blurred vision. "You've died too many times..." Frisk breathed. "You think what you're doing is what you have to. You think that one of us has to die in order for somebody to be happy. But you're wrong!"

They took a stumbled step forward, they could see that Asgore's head was still down but that he was incrediably tense, that he was listening.

"I.. I j-just want to st-stay with everyone. Please, I just want to stay. Please. I don't want you to die again. I don't want anyone to die. It'l. It'll only lose everyone's hope further. Please..." They began to reach out for him. They grasped his robes weakly and there was something desperately choking them. "Please... Stop fighting."

They don't care if it is now his turn, they don't care... Spare. Fight. Keeping turns. It was all just a formality. He had shattered their Mercy, but he could not, not ever, rob them of their feelings.

"I do not deserve your mercy, child." Asgore whispered.

"Well neither do I!" Frisk cried. "But please... please..." Their eyes brimmed vibrantly gold.

_Dad...Please..._

"Please..."

Asgore was bending down, his arms wrapping around them and the two children lost any control over themself they had maintained. They broke into even more desperate sobs as they hugged him, their arms tight around his neck.

"Please..." They cried again. "Please. Everyone will be so sad. Everyone will miss you. Their hearts will be broken, they'll lose the hope you've given them." They took in another shuttered breath. "Undyne will... Undyne will be s-so miserable." They continued, thinking back to the phone call they always got when they descended the mountain. "Sh-She'll be so miserable. And angry. And hurt. And she'll work at an illegal hot dog stand and she'll hate it and she'll miss you and-and I'll-"

"Hush, child, hush." He soothed. "It is alright. You do not have to Fight. No one.. No one will die again. I promise you. As long as you remain here... I will protect you. I promise." He told them, and they could hear the tears in his voice.

ME-R-CY

Frisk let out a breathed chuckle, so deliriously relieved and they took a sharp breath before they buried their face against his shoulder.

But... It was short lived. For he had made a promise he could not hope to truly keep.

_Frisk, Flowey!_

But it was a moment too late.

The vines entangled around them and they were ripped violently out of Asgore's arms. They screeched and reached out frantically for him, kicking at the vines trying to snag their feet.

"Child!" Asgore called. He grunted as he tried to rip the vines off of himself. As he tried to burn them away but they simply regrew faster than he could keep them off.

Flowey's laughter reviberated through them, shaking them to their core. The vines tightened around them and for a moment they lost their breath. Asgore was dangled high above their head. To burn himself free would ensure his nasty fall.

"You really think you could get past this?" Flowey demanded, his voice booming. He had already absorbed The Souls, the world was unraveling around them. They could not reach their Save. "Let me show you... I may not be able to destroy you fully, but I can still take this away. I can still make you understand!" He shook them and they yelped as the vines began to wrap around their arms. Too tightly around their arms! "In this world...  **It is kill or be killed.**  The sooner you realize that the better."

"Child!" Asgore called again and Frisk and Chara looked towards him, frantically needing to asses the situation. He was wrapped in even more vines, the thorns cutting into him but Flowey seemed intent on keeping him alive for now as well. And they realized... He was now an even bigger part of the game. Frisk's heart raced and they felt the failed LOAD ping in their chest, but... That was for the best.

They breathed in steadily, swallowing as they were flipped back around again and lifted higher, Flowey squeezing. They lifted their head, glaring up at the TV-like screen of a face that was smiling menacingly down at them, eager to see what they would do this time. How they would try to  _Save_... How they would get themself out of this one... And they  **would.**

They no longer wanted to run.

And if they had to Fight... They would Fight for this.

"Asgore..." They called and Flowey's smile grew at the edges as he chuckled. But Frisk and Chara were now looking down at the captured king. He was clearly scared for them, but they smiled. "Don't worry." Their eyes hardened, blazing. "We're not going to let go of everyone's hopes and dreams." They were going to make this right in the only way they could! "We're going to stay determined!"

They saw something flash on his face, and as they turned back towards Flowey...

.

"I heard him whisper my name."

.

They faced Flowey, the fear of losing everything stoking their determination even farther. Flowey laughed wildly as he pulled them in and the battle began. But he could not know... Flowey could not even know the half of it. He knew they had been here before, had faced him with the Souls rebeling, but he could not know everything... All the things they had suffered and were willing to go through.

He had no  **clue** who he was messing with.

Their Soul shattered, but then they were forced back into place. Asgore's dust scattered, but then it all rewound again. Over and over and over.

But they would not give up. They knew they could get through this. They just had to keep trying.

"Help!" They called each time. And each time... The Souls would send the healing power their way. But that would not be enough. They needed more! This was their best chance... They had to... "Help..."

 _Help!,_ They cried out with thier Soul.  _Help! Help! Help!_

Physically they were still enwrapped with vines, but mentally... they were in the darkness, floating freely as they call out across the void. In that place beyond the back of their own mind.

 _Help_!

They called for help...

They were surrounded by colour, the lights clouded over but there... The presences were growing closer as the colours pulsed. Chara and Frisk could feel them... The Souls appeared.

"Please..." Chara begged. They clased their hands together and Frisk stood beside them, holding onto their shoulders as they sent their own call. The Souls drew near, and Frisk once again wondered, if they knew. If they remembered. "Please... Help us."

Chara's eyes closed shut tightly.

"They're my family. Please, help me... I want to Save them. Please help me Save them.. I know they've both hurt you. I know Asgore... But please..." Chara opened their eyes, the tears tracing down their face. "Help me Save my father. Help me Save my brother.. Please.. Help me to allow Frisk to stay!"

The Souls flashed with colour and receded. Frisk hugged Chara tightly as the other child trembled, believing their cause was for naught again, but Frisk knew... The Souls remembered. The Souls knew. They would come.

Flowey was cackling again when they resurfaced from the back of their own mind, their eyes blinking back Chara's tears. They were alive again, with Asgore shouting out for them in his encouragement. The Souls glowed with an intensity Frisk and Chara had never seen, eager to assist.

"What?" Flowey asked in confusion as Frisk's Soul healed, as Frisk's Soul began to shine just as brightly. They reached out a hand.

"Asriel!" They cried out. The Souls pulled, rebelling, rotating around him as he screeched. Frisk and Chara reached out, and the human Souls reached also... Reaching to Save. Resonating... Everyone trying their best.

But Flowey... Refused.

"No! No! No! NO! NO!" He cried. "Obey ME! STOP! STOP! IT! LET ME WIN!"

The Souls were repeled, cast away violently and Frisk cried out in pain as they were shook forecfully. A final, thorned vine raced out towards them, to strike their Soul.

But it never reached them. They hit the ground hard, but when they looked up, the long shadow of Asgore cast over them, a vine directly through the center of his chest.

"DAD!" Chara cried, jumping to their feet and racing towards him. But as soon as their fingers touched the back of his cape, he was crumbling into dust once more.

"NO! No! No! Save him! Please! SAVE HIM!" They fell to their knees as he disappeared in a cloud of dust and The Souls streaked away above them as shooting stars of coloured light. Disappearing along with their hope of this path working... "No!"

They collapsed onto their hands, their fingers digging into the dust and the discarded vines as they cried, their back shaking as they struggled to breathe.

So close! They had been so close!

"Heheheh..." Flowey managed. Chara looked up, he was in even a worse state than he usually was at this point but was was still smiling. "I still won." He gloaded through his exhaustion. They shook their head.

"Why can't you understand?" They whispered, picking themself up and drawing nearer on shaky legs. "Why can't you just understand?!"

"I do! You're the idiot who doesn't!" He snapped. "This world is kill or be killed! No matter how many friends you make! The fact still stands that that's the truth!"

"It isn't!" Chara cried. "It doesn't have to be like this, I was wrong!"

Flowey just laughed weakly again.

"No. You'll see.. Each time you find a way around, I'll be there to remind you. Until you do, truly understand... and do things my way." He cackled again. "So make it easier on yourself, and get it over with." Chara bowed their head and the Soul pulsed.

MERCY

"Psh. Seems neither of us learned anything." He griped and then he escaped underground.

But that wasn't true... Chara had learned a lot of things through this Fight. And in the end what they had learned here would lead them directly to solving how to finish this... And also, in the end, laid the groundwork they would use to stop the Resets for good.

But at the time, they felt utterly alone and exhausted and covered in dust. They collapsed onto their knees, covering their face as they cried, never wanting to go through that again but knowing they would have to in some way. Chara lowered their hands forcefully, the determination that came from the embers of stubborness filling them again. They refused. They'd refused!

Frisk was right there with them, and together they reached for the Save.

LOAD

If they could... get through to him before he made it into the other room... Forced him to stay and listen to them there in the garden.. The Souls would remain locked away. Flowey would not be able to get them... And then! They could work from there!

They raced across Judgment Hall and made their way to the edge of the garden, but instantly they were forced to gasp as vines, smaller than usual, sprung up and entangled them. There were no thorns, they were thin, but Frisk's small body was not strong enough to get through and their dagger was angled helplessly at their side. Flowey cackled as he appeared in front of them.

"You know... I don't believe you've ever had a proper date with Alphys. Maybe you should give her a try." The rage was boiling inside them, tears glistened in their eyes. "No? Well then... If you're so determined. Let's go! Let's go meet the king!"

He threw them forward unexpectantly through the air and they shouted but before they hit the ground more vines had entrapped them. They kicked but he quickly subdued them. Their eyes widened. There was no way to get away from him. Despite the fact that he could easily pass them one vine to another to move them forward, Flowey threw them again.

"Asriel! Stop-" A vine covered their mouth again and he tsked.

"It's Flowey." He reminded. "Flowey. We wouldn't want to break the poor king's heart now would we?"

And then he threw them.

He did that all the way into the garden and he dangled them in the air as Asgore hummed and told them and Flowey to wait just one more moment... They glanced over towards Flowey who was smiling and their heart raced as he sneered for them.

They... They couldn't do this... They could never get through to Asgore with Flowey there to manipulate him. To push him. To interrupt them and twist their words. To make sure Asgore would not back down, to remind him of why he could not Spare them...

LOAD

Frisk and Chara collapsed onto the ground once more, crying softly to themself as their mind raced.

There had to be a way... A way to stop this... A way to get around it! To stop Flowey!

They buried their face against their knees, not finding the strength to move forward without an idea of what to do-

*Ring... Ring...

Frisk sniffled as they lifted their head. They pulled out the phone, looking down at the familiar number even though they already knew for a fact who it was and what it would be about. But that path led to The Barrier. Led to Asriel... They couldn't do that. They wiped at their nose and then pressed their fingers tightly around the phone as it continued to ring.

*Ring... Ring...

Asgore wasn't going to listen, not with Flowey there. They couldn't get past Flowey. They-

*Ring.. Ring..

Frisk's eyes widened and they felt Chara jolt as the thought struck them both at the same time.

"Undyne!" They shouted into the phone as they answered it.

"Woah there, punk, howdja know it was me an' not Papyrus?"

Their mind was racing, so much, too much.

"I need you." They told her.

'Huh-?"

"I need you!"

Flowey could twist their words, twist Asgore into staying with his plan. They needed someone close to change it. To prevent Flowey or at least to counter him. And Undyne...

_"... He's kind of like your dad, isn't he?"_

"Undyne, I really really need you." Their voice cracked.

"What it it? What's up? Are you... Have you made it to New Home, yet?" They nodded but then realized they sort of had to speak.

"Y-Yes."

"Oh, hey now..." Undyne tried at the sound of their teary voice. "Hey.. It's okay. He's a big ol' whimpy sweetheart just like you. You just have to-"

"No. I need you. I really need you. Please..  _Help me_."

"Where are you?" Undyne asked immediately, her voice grave.

"Th-The Last Corridor. Just outside-"

"I'll be right there. I promise." They nodded again but this time they don't have to speak. The phone cut off and they held their breath. Their mind was spinning, their lungs hurting as they held breath after breath, waiting.

Undyne emerged from the hallway, sweaty and panting but her single eye staring seriously as it landed on them. Frisk and Chara sprung to their feet and plowed into her, hugging her at the waist. She bent down, still panting, and wrapped her drenched arms around them.

"Oh man, you're a shivering like you're back in Snowdin." She said as they kept their face buried against her. And they realized she was right. They couldn't stop shaking. She supported the back of their head and pressed them tighly as she got her breathing under control. "It's okay, punk. It's okay.."

She sounded uncharacteristically concerned, her voice dropping comfortingly. They pulled away, taking a deep breath. They lifted their head. She was watching them anxiously.

"I don't want to hurt him." They whispered. Undyne shook her head, standing up tall.

"You're not going to hurt him. Like I said, you just have to talk to him and it'll be fine. He loves kids. You'll-"

"The other humans were kids." Frisk cut in and Undyne stopped short, as if she had never thought about that before. "He's not going to stop. If I fight him, I have to hurt him. Please, Undyne. Please..." They grabbed her hands. "Help me..."

"You really are scared... aren't you, punk?" They nodded, their fingers tightening on her hand that they still held captured as she put the other one against their cheek. "You're not scared he's going to hurt you." It wasn't a question. Not in the way it should have been. It was more of a realization on her part. All her words before had been some sort of comfort, some reassurance that Asgore would let them past. Frisk bit their lip and their heart faltered as their throat clamped shut before they could ask for her help again, there was a brief moment of dread as she smiled sadly for them.

If she knew...

But even if she did know... She would still come for Asgore. Anything to Save him...

"Help..." Frisk managed brokenly.

"Well of course!" Undyne declared. She ruffled their hair, half of it coming into their eyes as she tried to snap them out of their terror. "You silly goose! Do you think I ran across  _Hotlands_ and the Core just to leave you hanging?!" They swallowed but shook their head. Undyne smiled. "Alright!" She turned towards the garden. "We'll both talk to Asgore and you'll see. It will turn out fine! Nobody is fighting nobody! If they do they'll have to answer to ME. Got that?!" Frisk held her hand mercilessly but she didn't even flinch. "You'll be across that stupid Barrier and goin' home in no time!"

Frisk came to a stop and Undyne halted beside them as they shook their head.

"WHAT? Still doubt me?" She smiled again, almost maliciously, as if it was a clear challenge.

"No!" Frisk cried. "I... I just want..." They took a deep breath and closed their eyes. "I want to stay." They felt Undyne give a surprised jolt but she didn't respond right away. They couldn't imagine the look on her face but they couldn't open their eyes either. "I don't want to leave, I want to stay."

"But... A good kid like you, isnt' there... someplace somebody is waiting for you?" Undyne asked in disbelief, unable to comprehend their statement, unable to make it make sense.

Frisk shook their head and they were breaking into open sobs again.

"Nobody's waiting for me." They admitted. "Nobody wants m-me."

"H-Hey!" Undyne called and they felt her place her hand on their back, rubbing gently, trying to calm them down. "Hey, no, hey... Shhh. Sssshhhhhhh."

Frisk took in a difficult breath.

" **Open your eyes**." Undyne demanded. Frisk's heart jumped. She sounded serious and angry. And reluctantly, they opened and their stomach turned because she looked angry too. Serious and angry and firm as she stood tall in front of them. "Now you listen to me." She continued. "What you just said  **Is Not True**."

"I-"

" **No**." Undyne lifted her chin higher. "Somebody  **is** waiting for you. A lot of somebodies  **want** you.  **Do you understand**?" Frisk shook their head, the tears still tracing down their face.

There was nobody.. Nobody they could think of. Mrs. Garner, while she seemed like she cared would only sigh and take Frisk somewhere else, to some home far out of reach from Mt. Ebott with some elderly lady who would smile at them that same tender smile all caregivers gave them and show them their room that wasn't their room for forever, and-

"We're going to go in there." Undyne began, pointing towards the garden. "And we're going to tell Asgore EXACTLY what's going to happen now." She declared. "We're going to sit down. We're going to  **talk**. And then. He is going to let you go." Frisk's breath shuttered and their heart ached. They wanted to stay- "And you and me? We're going back to Snowdin."

Frisk's face fell in surprise.

 _You idiot..._ , Chara said affectionately but also sadly since they knew that Frisk really hadn't anticipated it. Hadn't gotten it right away what Undyne had meant.

Undyne was stern as she bent down and met them face to snotty face.

"We're going back to Snowdin." She repeated. "And everyday is going to be one big sleepover! Everyday is going to be animes and too much candy and super burnt spaghetti family dinners. And you're going to help Sans get his dumb jokes bouncing off the walls and riling Papyrus up and he is going to SMILE and HATE IT and LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT... Because he loves both of you..."

Frisk was still shaking and now they were sobbing harder as they covered their face, unable to stand the sincerity of her words and the determination in her expression.

"Now... Do you understand?" Undyne asked again, a bit more softly this time. "Somebody is waiting for you. Papyrus. Sans. Every monster you've met and made friends with.  _We_ all want you. And if the humans on the surface don't feel the same way then  **FORGET**  them! They can have all their cool surface things. If I had to chose between the surface and making friends with you again there is no DOUBT; nothing can compare to being friends with you."

At this point Chara thoughts Frisk would literally fall apart in their embrace.

"U-Un-d-dnye..." The need to tell her the truth was intense but they were physically incapable.

They felt her hands grasp at their waist and Frisk gasped loudly as their hands fell from their face and she began to lift them up over her head. She set them down behind her neck, their legs drapped over her shoulders.

"Now head up." She told them. Frisk lifted their head trying their hardest to obey. "We're going to face our problems head on!"

Frisk breathed in desperately trying their best. In the end, Chara had to push them back a bit and take more control. Forcing their breath to even out and tried their best to clean their face with their sleeves... Which were already dirty and made the task basically impossible. They were still crying, even Chara could not get it to stop.

Frisk and Chara could hear the birds chirping, the smell of flowers through their soaked sleeves. Undyne squeezed their legs momentarily in comfort.

"ASGORE!" Undyne yelled loudly. He lifted his head, a smile already on his face but it shattered the moment he saw Frisk on Undyne's shoulders and the flowers he held fell from his hands and scattered on the ground. He didn't seem to breathe. They could see the despair seeping into his features at the sight of their teary, snot-face, the certainty of having to face and that of the coming Fight inevitable in his mind. For why else would bring a human to him? Why else would thier expression be that terrified?

It broke their heart... But Undyne stood tall, her head against Frisk's stomach.

"Asgore Dreemurr." Undyne declared in a loud voice. "I would like to introduce you to my new bestie."

Asgore's expression fell and he looked utterly shocked as he stared at her and then back to the human child she was clearly referring to.

Chara helped Frisk wave meekly and give him a broken smile.

"I think you will be surprise to find the two of you have a lot in common." Undyne continued matter-of-factly. "And that the most important thing you have in common is...  **neither of you are fighting each other."** She finished through gritted teeth, her eye piercing. But then she smiled for real. "Now is when I think you should probably offer us a cup of tea."

"I..." Asgore had to clear his throat and he stood up straighter, trying to hide how thrown off he was. But he... did not move towards The Barrier room. And still.. Flowey was no longer in sight. Undyne raised a brow, daring him to counter her. There was a tense moment before Asgore smiled, a breathy chuckle escaping his chest. "Yes." He said. "Yes, yes..." He put his hands together, laughing a bit again. "Let me offer you both a cup of tea." His voice cracked with tears.

The relief that Frisk and Chara felt was too much for them again and they lowered their head against their arms as they rested against Undyne's head.

"Hey, punk..." Undyne said, lifting a hand to rest on one of their thighs and rubbed comfortingly as they hiccuped into her hair and their arms.

Undyne began to walk and when Frisk peeked up past their arms, the pink light of Judgment Hall had turned gold. But still in the shadows, they looked. The dread... was returning. The problem still clutching at their Soul. Flowey had to be watching them. Plotting. This... could not last.

The pain slashed through them like a knife and they hiccuped once more.

This couldn't be the end...

There were three things Chara had decided that were needed to stop the Resets and those things were not simply optional.

Frisk. Asgore... Asriel.

It was more than just a few wants. It was a need.

Because if they didn't..

The game would never end. Flowey would never let this last, if he could help it. They would be on guard forever if they stopped like this.

But...

They had called for help...

And Undyne had come.

That alone...

It filled them with determination.

The fact that they could get this ending was all they needed to give them strength. To help them move forward. And Chara... They realized that Frisk was right, they could not stay now. They had to face The Barrier, Flowey... Their mind went to the Human Souls.

An idea was forming, growing in the back of their mind. But they had to think it through more thoroughly. They had to... try something again before they decided fully.

Frisk held the hot teacup between their fingers tightly, not wanting to let go, but knowing... They had to. They were right. Chara was right.

Just a few more times. They had to let go. They knew...

Frisk closed their eyes and they could smell the flowers in the tea and the flowers calling out to them at the bottom of a cave floor. Chara held their hand in support as time began to whisp around them.

RESET

They picked themself up off the ground, biting back tears.

Flowey was cackling at they met him back at the beginning.

"Wowie! What a mystery you aren't!" He told them. His smile grew. "I knew you agreed with me. I knew this was just a game to you as much as it was to me! You just love finding new ways to cheat, don't you? To win! Of course you do!"

"Because here you are!" Flowey echoedas they stood before him again, at the end. Asgore's dust surrounded them and his Soul shattered before their eyes as they bit their lip, drawing blood. Flowey shook his head, the Souls being absorbed into himself. " **Well who am I to deny you your fun**?"

The Souls...

They came, and Chara and Frisk reached out, feeling, assessing their strength, the ability of the Souls to comprehend, to listen. Their desire to help Frisk and Chara get what they truly wanted. More than just aimlessly heal. More than just rebel, the Souls listened. The Souls followed their lead. Chara breathed out, unable to hide their surprise as the Souls floated around them, all too eager to help. They came to the conclussion Frisk had a long time ago. That they remembered. That they knew. That would make everything a lot easier. That would be their advantage...

The Souls rebeled.

But Flowey just laughed, sure that he won anyways. That they would just Reset and try something new once again.

He was right, of course, but in no way had he won. And he... was not entirely correct about the path they would take.

Chara did not understand, not really. Not at first. They wouldn't for several days.

Frisk slipped past The Barrier and traveled down the mountain. One last time, they told themself. One last time...

* * *


	39. Needing To Let It Rain Somewhere Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *...

"wait, what? you went down the mountain again?" Sans shook his head shortly. "why?"

"Like I said..." Chara said softly, "I didn't understand it either. Not at first. I didn't see a point. There was **_no_** _point_ to being there. It didn't add any answers, it was all the same as before. I couldn't understand what it was Frisk could have ever hoped to achieve. And then I was too afraid to ask either. I was afraid of what Frisk might answer, or even worse... that they wouldn't."

"..." Sans waited, but they didn't seem inclined to continue. They had closed their eyes and lowered their head, Sans could see the silent conversation going on in their head.

"Frisk doesn't want to talk about it. They don't want to touch anything about this not even with a six foot pole. They just want to skip right over to the phone. But they agree that I need to. Just like we needed to talk about... me trying to take all the blame for what we did." They opened their eyes and Sans' breath hitched as vibrant red eyes met his, as bright and shining as rubies, just like they had been the day before at the service station... except, no. There was the slightest hint of gold at the edges of their pupils. Chara seemed unsettled and uncertain as they took a breath. "They're here. They're watching, they just can't hear."

Sans nodded in understanding. Chara took in another deep breath and stood up as straight as they could, trying to feel confident.

"Okay." They said softly. Then, they smiled sadly. "We climbed down the mountain..."

"and then what?" Sans asked, offering them an opening to continue.

"We were picked up." Chara admitted. "At the base of the mountain, we let the police find us and we went to the hospital. Everyone had been searching for them. And it was... exactly the same, just like I had expected, and I still didn't understand, but then I did. Because... it _was_ exactly the same." Sans shook his head to show he didn't understand. But...

When everything repeats...

When everything stays the same...

"Frisk... was still putting off a decision. They still had their doubts. They still... wanted."

"the barrier." Sans filled in. "they still wanted to break the barrier."

"Yeah... And coming down the mountain, they... They were trying to... build themself up. To make that decison. And never regret it. They were.. They were rewriting their heart, I guess you could say." They looked up at him brokenly. "You get it don't you?"

Sans paused again...

"i'm not sure what you're asking me." He noted. "do i get what frisk was doing? or do i get..." Chara looked down at their feet. Him just starting to ask was enough to confirm it for them, and for him as to what they were truly wanting to know.

_"She turned me into her..."_ They had told Frisk about their Nan.

"Not breaking The Barrier... should have never crossed Frisk's mind. Ever." Chara forced themself to lift their head. "That was..."

They bit their lip, a very Frisk-like action.

"Anyways..." Chara murmured and they continued to walk. They walked in silence for a ways, and a single elevator that lead out of the Core and then into New Home... They stood rigid looking at the faded, and now wide open house; the door removed from its hinges since The Barrier had broken and the foot traffic had at first been constant. Now it was just the scientists and the workers that came through, but still the door remained missing.

"you alright?"

"I'm never alright, Sans." Sans chuckled darkly. They were looking back over their shoulder for him, a sad gleam in their eyes. "But I will be..." They echoed. They looked away again.

"Frisk climbed down the mountain with ideas I put in their head, and they were so determined to build themself up to it, to not regret, and at first I didn't get it. And I couldn't ask. Because... 'What is it you hope to achieve?', that line of thought ran too closely to... how it was last time we had climbed down the mountain. How I pushed them. Pulled, torn. In any way... Just so I could get Frisk to give up. To **kill. _Erase_.** "

Their fingers were curled up tightly, their fingernails digging into their skin as they closed their eyes tightly.

That last timeline... before they had nearly ended it all.

"So no... I didn't speak up. I sat there wondering and fearing what Frisk could be thinking with their stupid, wordless, unreadable thoughts. If they could remember any of what we were experiencing or if it was all just... a blur... Because I... I couldn't remember. It was all a blur to me."

"what?" Sans interjected in honest surprise.

"That's how messed up we were at the time!" Chara cried, opening their eyes and twisting towards him again, tears in their eyes. "That's how messed up I made Frisk! That was how, how tunnel visioned I was! I can only remember bits and pieces! Just little things that don't connect from the first time we were there on the surface with... those people. I can't! All I remember is how I tore Frisk to little bits at every chance I got! If it wasn't towards my main goal, I can't remember it... I..."

"hey, now. it's okay now. deep breath." Sans urged. Chara, luckily for him, obeyed.

"We... We were on the surface again, we'd climbed down the mountain..." Chara repeated, intending to continue their story, eyes closed. "And I didn't **understand**. But then I realized that, I couldn't remember. But Frisk? Frisk didn't need to remember. They could play it in their head like it was a memory anyways."

"because it was all the same..." Sans whispered. Chara nodded.

"It was all the same. It would always be the same. Frisk hadn't come down the mountain to see if they could change anything or to answer any questions... They weren't foolishly hoping to see a different path... It was all the same and that was the point. It would always be the same. Even if we broke The Barrier nothing would change."

Sans felt an intense pain in the center of his chest; a guilt, and a dread...

"We couldn't break The Barrier. We just couldn't. This was the right choice... This is what was in their heart. And once I figured out what they were trying to do? I..." Chara swallowed nervously. "I was determined to be there for them in the way I hadn't been the last time. I was determined to let Frisk know that this time they had someone on their side. No matter what. They'd never had that, you know? In... moving from place to place. Even if they were technically trying to help, trying to be on Frisk's side, they weren't... considering Frisk. Not in the way they needed, at least."

Sans tilted his head curiously. That was... a different attitude. A more forgiving attitude... then what he would expect from Chara. Towards humans anyways.

"chara... what happened?" Why were they determined to tell him this part? Why had they... changed their mind...? About The Barrier?

Chara shrugged sheepishly.

"I met a human who wasn't half bad."

Sans mock gasped.

"Frisk, you idiot."

"oh."

"Well... Not just Frisk." They admitted

"oh?" Chara smiled widely at his raised brow.

"Shut up!" They ordered, punching him playfully

"were there actual, other human beings in this, or are ya just using a fancy way to say you ain't half bad yourself?" Chara faltered, their cheeks immediately beginning to burn red.

"Actual... other other humans." They stated.

Sans mocked gasped again. This time Chara laughed as they punched his arm. They stopped short and at first Sans was afraid it was out of guilt, but their eyes were off of him and to the side as if listening to something.

"Nuh-uh." Chara stated. They closed their eyes and put their hands on their hips.

"what?"

"If they want to know what we're saying then they have to listen in themself." Chara stated matter-of-factly. Sans breathed a short laugh. What he wasn't expecting though, were for their eyes to seep gold and to blink uncertainly as Frisk rejoined the conversation.

"hey there, kiddo."

"I'm still not talking." Frisk whispered, determined. Sans nodded, his hands still in his pockets. Chara sighed a bit, but it was accompanied by a content smile. Sans ruffled his fingers through their hair. "But will you tell me why you were laughing?"

"don't think so."

"But what was funny?!"

Sans mock zipped his 'lips' together, locked the key and threw it behind his back.

"Oh thank god, now we don't ever have to hear him say _anything_ again." Chara exclaimed.

"hey!" But now Frisk was the one giggling. Chara glanced over towards New Home, clearly nervous. Sans could feel the conversation creeping back onto topic.

"Are you sure you want to be here, Frisk?" There was a pause.

"Yes. It's just stuff that happened." They didn't sound so convinced. "I've talked about harder stuff." They tried again. Chara nodded. "It's not that bad of a subject..."

"frisk-"

"I'm fine!" Frisk cried adamantly. "It's just... We just saw her and..." Sans tilted his head again.

"Saw who?"

"Mrs. Garner." Chara fumed, crossing their arms. "We've seen them watching us before but its the first time we actually saw _her_."

"uh..."

"At the... ceremony." Frisk offered.

It clicked into place.

"that's why you were so spooked." Sans realized. They nodded sadly, looking down at their feet.

"And I know... that's where... Toriel went today." Sans felt extremely cold.

"you.." He cleared his throat. "you do? uh- she did?"

They nodded again. But Chara was looking up now, squinting at him. He could feel the sweat gathering on the back of his spine. He could read their thoughts in their eyes; sometimes he was actually a horrible liar when he was stressed and put on the spot. But it wasn't fully lying. He really was just putting together to who Toriel had gone to meet.

"It doesn't matter. I still want to... discuss back then." Chara interceded.

"right." Sans agreed, wanting to get as far away from what Toriel had implied. Even if the current topic Chara wanted to get back to was... basically the same thing.

_"Even if we broke The Barrier nothing would change."_

.

It sat cold and long in Frisk's chest; the **dread**. At least that was the closest thing Chara could describe it to. It pressed down upon their entire body, everything felt weighted down. But even as Frisk occasionally held their breath, Chara could feel their Soul flickering with Determination. The two sensations mixed, rippling like the grey clouds they saw high above through the window of their... the guest room.

Frisk sat on the bed they had been using for, well, Chara wasn't sure how long Frisk had technically been in that home before climbing the mountain (and Frisk wasn't about to offer that information freely), but it was still the one they had been using since they had been retrieved from the hospital. Three months ago.

But even so, the fact still remained that, for the very last time, the actual last time, Frisk sat on the bed... watching the gathering clouds that had been promising rain for the last few days with little to actually offer.

Their right hand rested in the crux of their left elbow, just barely withholding the desire to squeeze at their own arm. Instead, they squeezed their fingers mercilessly, digging into their fingernails into their skin. Their legs kicked outward mindlessly, they felt the shoelace bob against the side of their foot.

They had been sent up here to finish packing, but their book bag lay half filled by the door and the garbage bag tossed off to the side, empty. The book bag had enough clothes in it for what they needed, what was the point in taking everything else? Chara wanted to ask what was the point to any of this, actually, but refrained once again. They knew what Frisk wanted. They understood perfectly. Still, they could not speak it.

"Frisk!" Mrs. Richardson called up the stairwell. "Ms. Jackeline is here!"

Frisk's heart fluttered and raced off as they inhaled sharply and sat straighter. Chara grabbed their hand and squeezed tightly, sending them an intense wave of warmth. Frisk relaxed and nodded to Chara and to themself. The Determination gathered into a round ball in the center of their chest and their golden eyes grew sharp as they slid off of the bed and grabbed their coat off of the door handle to put it on.

They checked their pocket, twice, three times, their fingers traced along the grooves of the keys, the sleek surface of the phone's screen. They had put it in their coat the night before. There was no way they would have ever forgotten it, but they could not stop checking, they couldn't stop being anxious about it. They gripped the phone tightly, desperate for the comfort of something familiar and for the determination... Then they took their hand out and rezipped the pockets up. They patted their chest, The Locket secure over their heart.

They took a deep breath before slinging the book bag behind them.

Frisk took one last look back towards the guest room with its deep green curtains and matching sheets and cream coloured walls...

The only sign a child had been there were the discarded toys scattered about they had refused to pick up. Toys that would sit there, a new child never to come and pick them up. That was one thing, Chara supposed, that Frisk was at least not being replaced this time.

They closed the door behind them.

_"Please do not come back."_

"There you are, Frisky Business." Mr. Richardson greeted as they stood halfway down the stairs. He stood by the front door... Mrs. Garner at his side. They were both smiling those same smiles everyone wore when it was time to leave. The very opposite of the one whoever Mrs. Garner took them to would wear. These lacked warmth, they knew... They were guilty, even.

_Let them be,_ Chara said. _They should be..._

What Chara had just said wasn't entirely true, they knew, but they could tell Frisk appreciated the gesture anyways. Frisk pointedly avoided looking at either of the two adults as they made their way down the rest of the stairs and stood coldly beside them.

Mrs. Richardson joined them from the kitchen, a cookie tin in her hands.

"Here we go." She breathed, Frisk peeked up through their bangs as she offered the tin to them. Her smile was brighter than the other two adults' but not by much. Chara could feel Frisk's hesitation to take the tins, but Chara could vaguely remember that... even the first time they had stood there, wanting to.. die.. they had stared up at Mrs. Richardson and hadn't been able to refuse. Not her. Not here. From what they _could_ remember, even Chara had not been able to chastise Frisk in that moment. Frisk reached up and took the cookie tin with a kind nod. "They're double chocolate chip. James made them last night as a surprise."

"Surprise!" Mr. Richardson said cheerfully, but something in his voice cracked. Frisk risked looking up at him but he had already cleared his throat and his eyes.

Mrs. Garner shifted awkwardly in place.

"I'll be waiting outside." She told them, and then she took her umbrella, even though it wasn't actually raining, only misting (if that), and began to walk out onto the porch. As she did, Mrs. Richardson followed after her to get the door, and Frisk took the chance to slide the cookie tin into their book bag. They noted Mr. Richardson watching them still, eyeing at how much they hadn't packed.

"Sure you got everything there?" He prodded. Frisk nodded again, resolved. The two women at the glanced Frisk's way but the zipper was already closed and they were putting the book bag back on. The front door closed behind Mrs. Garner to keep the heat of the house from escaping and from the cold to push itself in.

But the cold was already in Frisk's chest.

"Well then..." Mrs. Richardson sighed as she rejoined her husband. She smiled again, but not as brightly as before. "I guess this is it." Mr. Richardson took his wife's hand. "We hope you do very well in your new home, Frisk."

"Try not to wander up any more mountains, kiddo." Mr. Richardson poked.

Chara caught Mrs. Richardson pinch the back of his hand for it. Frisk lowered their eyes, trying their hardest not to look them in the eyes, and they tried not to feel so hurt by the coming farewell. Chara knew Frisk felt it wasn't so fair for them to feel the way they did. Not with the Richardsons. And Chara guess they agreed, but only a bit.

Though last time Chara had been... less than kind. It was better left unrepeated.

"We're sorry we couldn't keep hosting you." Mrs. Richardson apologized, the guilt genuine and true in her voice. The two adults had taken the greatest care to explain the situation to Frisk, about how much time and thoughtfulness had gone into the decision. And Frisk knew it was not the Richardson's fault. They weren't bad people, or anything. She was just...

"I hope you do well, too." Frisk whispered, forcing themself to look up.

The two adults shared a glance of surprise, and Chara felt it too. It was the first thing Frisk had said outwardly since coming back. Three months of silence... broken. For them. Even if the Richardsons would not remember the well wish in the end.

Mrs. Richardson smiled for Frisk after a moment, that guilty smile, all the while subconsciously she reached up to adjust the purple bandana on her head just a bit. She still wasn't used to her shaved head. Neither was Frisk. They sort of wished she had waited until they had left. It would help them feel less guilty about all the trouble Frisk had caused them.

Yeah, what Chara had said last time really was better left unrepeated.

"Thank you." Mrs. Richardson said, tears in her eyes. "It was very nice to meet you, Frisk."

Frisk pushed themself through the door before anyone could try and hug them, rushing past the expectant Mrs. Garner and her stupid, pursed lips. This time, Mrs. Garner didn't even get the chance to offer them shot gun before Frisk slid wordlessly into the backseat behind the driver's side. They heard Mrs. Garner sigh and Chara glared as she closed her umbrella and entered the car.

The Richardsons stood on the porch, waving as the vehicle pulled out and onto the street and Frisk watched them shrink.

"I'm sorry, Frisk..." Mrs. Garner said softly from the front seat. Frisk gasped softly, the tears continuing down their cheeks, they couldn't help it. They hadn't even noticed they had started. Chara hugged them from behind, resting their chin on their shoulder.

_Frisk..._ , Chara begged, or wanted to. Wanted to beg to just Reset. To go.. home.

Frisk swallowed and leaned up against the door, their hot breath fogging up the window as they closed their eyes.

The silence that followed was enhanced by how incomplete it was; the sound of Frisk's sniffling and the occasional cry of the windshield wipers that served to contrast the physical and oppressive tension inside the vehicle as it trailed along steadily to its destination. Every so often, they could catch Mrs. Garner watching them, glancing up into the rearview mirror.. Especially after Frisk's sniffles had faded away and the weight had settled upon their shoulders beside Chara. Mrs. Garner's glances increased... As if to make sure Frisk was still there.

_"This really takes the cake, Frisk..."_ Mrs. Garner had told them before when she met up with them at the hospital nearly two and a half months ago. The police had left them alone and Frisk had sat on a chair as the nurses finally left them be.

No sign of injury. No dehydration. All things clear...

Despite claiming to have been lost on a mountain for nearly three days; alone. Very alone. Absolutely alone, no one else. No need to search. No reason to go up there.

**Stay away from the mountain.**

Stay away from their family...

Mrs. Garner had stood in the doorway, her tablet tucked into her arm as she looked them over through her large, thick glasses.

_"Oh Frisk... What were you thinking?"_ She had breathed.

Frisk had looked up at her through their bangs with no answer to give her. They hadn't thought. Nothing but the fact that _they just had to go_. They had finally had a promising placement... only for the universe to strike them down again. They'd had to break the cycle. Somehow. Someway...

Funny how that had turned out in the end.

Mrs. Garner clicked on her turn signal and the grey sedan made its way off of the highway and into what seemed to be a quiet looking neighborhood. Mt. Ebott was in the distance, out of reach and from certain angles, even out of sight. As if _out of sight, out of mind,_ could ever be true. As the car rolled to a temporary stop, Frisk felt Mrs. Garner glance their way again. Frisk shifted in their seat, better out of view. Frisk breathed out through their nose again in what was almost a sigh as they put their chin down, their breath fogging up the glass once more.

"Are we alright back there, Frisk?" Mrs. Garner asked, with a tone that suggested she genuinely wanted an answer. Frisk opened their eyes and lifted their head. They stood up straight, putting their hands in their lap as they stared directly into the rearview mirror. But other than that, they refused to give any other answer...

They couldn't see Mrs. Garner's mouth right then, but they assumed her lips were pursed again as she eyed them in the mirror.

Frisk's silence was wide and open, just like their eyes, and Chara could feel Frisk absorbing everything, every little detail. It reminded Chara of the very beginning, of how Frisk was in the Ruins, in Home, the first time they had met Toriel. Chara was continually tense, waiting for something to snap. But... Frisk just turned their attention back towards the window. There were small droplets of water misting it and collecting together, only to fall along with water tails tracing behind.

Frisk lifted a finger, following one of the droplets down into the corner. The droplet staggered and then collided into another, growing bigger and falling faster.

_Let's race_ , said Chara, trying to distract Frisk. Frisk tilted their head curiously and Chara lifted a hand and put a finger to a droplet that was just starting to trail down. _This ones mine_.

Quickly, Frisk lifted their other hand to one nearby and the two started to work their fingers down along with their chosen droplets. But Chara's droplet dropped straight down while Frisk's trailed to the side. The golden eyes couldn't keep up in going back and forth between them to make sure their fingers kept to their mark... In the end, they couldn't tell who had actually won... They couldn't tell if they had even finished with the same droplets they had started with.

Frisk breathed out through their nose in what was almost a sigh as they put their chin down, their breath fogging up the glass. This time they traced a small upside down heart into the white moisture.

The car pulled into the driveway of the little, yellow house and Frisk peeked through the window and the fading white heart, to the light on the porch.

"Now then." Mrs. Garner said, her voice's only purpose to cut through the palpable silence as she cut off the car engine. She reached over into her passenger seat and grabbed her bag and strapped it over her shoulder before grabbing her umbrella. She opened up Frisk's door for them and Frisk slid out beside her, the mist in the air surrounding them coldly. They pulled their book bag across the seat and put it on again with a practiced hand. "Ready?"

Frisk looked up at her, their eyes absorbing her. She had the same thick glasses and curly hair as always that made her look like a librarian. Though... Frisk had only known one real librarian personally in their whole life, at one of their former schools and they looked nothing alike. They did have one thing in common though, they had both turned out to be liars. They had both somehow betrayed their trust.

Chara could feel Frisk holding on to the old, bitter memories with all their might, hardening their heart to Mrs. Garner's light blue eyes that always watched, their observing nature almost able to rival Frisk's. Frisk hated that. Hated.. her.

"Mrs. Rew is very excited to meet you." Mrs. Garner told them as they stood looking up at her, the green umbrella shielding the both of them from the drizzling rain. Frisk pulled their bright red coat closer to their body and the straps of their book bag tighter as they looked back down at their feet.

_"It was nice to meet you."_

"It's been awhile since she's had a child in her home, so I expect you to help her out as best you can, won't you?" Frisk had peeked up, Chara squinted suspiciously at her. And then they had walked with her to the porch.

Last time Frisk had been nothing but a zombie following Mrs. Garner along. Now they were so alert they felt like static beside Chara and it put Chara on edge. It did not help that before Mrs. Garner could ring the buzzer, the door was opening. Frisk didn't react but Chara felt a sharp prick in their heart as they were... uncertain to if that had happened last time. Their memory, so perfect, so sound, was once again uncertain, just like it had been with everything the last few months, as they felt overwhelmed.

They hated this. They hated this so much. They just wished Frisk would Reset...

They dared not admit it, though.

The woman in the doorway gave them her version of that same warm smile and Chara was distracted from their own thoughts by the pain emanating from Frisk.

It was the same...

Frisk's gaze was trailing over towards the front window where the clouds continued to threaten rain but held back, just working to hide the bright, yellow sun. Chara could feel the intense longing that came with the pain in Frisk's Soul.

Because... it _was_ all the same.

It was all the same. It would all, always be the same. If they broke The Barrier nothing would change.

They could not break The Barrier.

They would not.

And they would not regret it.

This was the right choice.

It was!

"Thank you so much for this, Abigail."

"Nonsense. It's what I'm here for. Thank you for calling me."

Chara's mind was fast at work as Frisk turned their attention back towards Mrs. Garner and Mrs. Rew who were talking together like old friends. Like normal people with connections that didn't end at the whims of the cruel universe. Who when they left people behind they never had to anticipate that it may in fact be for the last time.

"Why don't the two of you come in for a warm cup of hot chocolate?" Mrs. Rew invited as she continued to smile expectantly, her dark wrinkled and spotted skin around her face making her look soft and inviting and it was reflected in her deep, dark green and hazel eyes.

Chara paused, for a moment, just a moment, almost forgetting Mrs. Garner was there and that the older woman was not in fact refering to Chara when she said _the two of you_. The warmth in the woman's eyes seemed enough for all of them, more than enough.

Chara coward back, hating it, not trusting it... Frisk seemed in sharp agreement.

"Why don't you take off your coat and stay awhile?" The woman's warm voice prodded. Frisk hiked up their shoulders, refusing to take off their coat even though they had been shown where to put it. Chara could feel Frisk trying their hardest to be angry, but failing to. They just... never had it in them to stay angry for long.

Frisk's anger faltered as the woman's warm smile did not abate and Chara felt their heart flutter in fear. Chara rose up, lifting Frisk's chin and hardening their gaze, as Chara stayed angry for both of them.

They could feel Frisk's appreciation even in the continued silence.

Chara was determined. Determined to do this. For Frisk. Even if they didn't agree with Frisk putting themself through this, as along as Frisk wanted this, needed this, Chara would be there. At every twist and turn.

_These old goats_ , Chara said, _they know absolutely nothing._

_Goats_ , Frisk repeated back, and Chara smiled, happy and so relieved to have gotten a reaction. Chara mimicked their narrating tone:

*Can't compare to the real thing

Outwardly, Frisk smiled. The adults smiled back, misinterpreting everything; that it was in some sort of appreciation for the cup being slid their way. To make up for that, Frisk didn't take even a sip. And even if Chara was slightly disappointed in that, they refused to let Frisk know it. Instead they went back to being angry at the adults.

Frisk and Chara sat in dark silence, their golden eyes piercing through the two women who were exchanging papers and pens and signing Frisk's life away. And then, the two were trying their hardest to get Frisk to participate, to get that smile back out of them. Chara could remember last time, the two woman had sat trying just as hard and Frisk had barely registered their words. Now each word was pointed and mentally taken and rolled over and dissected.

And Chara waited patiently. Patiently as Mrs. Garner put her light blue coat and picked up her green umbrella and left the yellow house and them behind with a hesitant expression. Patiently as Mrs. Rew collected the white cups with little rose designs along the side and placed them by the sink.

_"I want you to have a nice time living here."_

Patiently as she smiled at them and showed them to their room.

_"A room of your own."_

Patiently as Frisk and Chara were left alone in the neatly ordered guest room, the bed much too big for them and pushed up against the wall, the head of the bed just beside the window.

They remembered the bed... They remembered being curled up in the corner against the wall, watching the sunlight disappear across the end of it as the sun set and Frisk's stomach twisted and turned and their heart raced as they knew... They were about to make a terrible mistake.

Frisk eyed the area carefully. It seemed Mrs. Garner had not been exaggerating, there were no signs of any other kids having been here. At least in this room, they had noticed pictures on the walls earlier, even if they hadn't been able to get a good look at them yet. But the room? It was just yet another guest room.

_How long are we.. going to stay?_ , Chara asked, feeling Frisk's planning. Frisk just shrugged, digging their chin into the collar of their coat. But Chara understood... How long they stayed wasn't important, not anymore. The important thing was that Frisk now had a say.

Because for all that the Richardsons had thought carefully about their decision, Frisk had not once been a part of it.. Not even the fact that they had had such a long time to prepare themself for the eventual break this time could make up for that... Not even the fact that they knew the date they would leave... They'd just had to go. To get it over with. Frisk had just had to leave.

They couldn't stay...

Frisk kicked off their shoes and put the book bag full of clothes and cookies at the foot of the bed, but still they pointedly refused to take off the coat. They pulled themself up onto the bed and sat back, pulling their legs up to their chest as they stared out across the room. They dug their hand into their collar and pulled out The Locket, letting it rest in plain view. They breathed out loudly and then... slowly... they reached into their coat pocket.

The keys hanging from the phone jangled comfortingly and the sleek screen awaited their command once it had booted to life. Frisk sat back against the wall, their fingers trembling as they dug into their voicemail, but...

...

...

..

..

They couldn't do it. Frisk closed their eyes, breathing in deeply trying to gather their determination to listen to the message but... They just couldn't.

Chara watched silently, not willing to push it. This had been the same story for about a month now... Ever since they had hit the two month mark and Sans had found the courage to call but Frisk had lacked the courage to pick up. Frisk turned off the phone again and put it carefully under their pillow.

They stayed in the bed, just like they had the first time they had been here, fearful of exploring the rest of the house. Afraid they would get so easily attached...

_Three days_ , Frisk finally answered. Chara nodded.

Three days. Three days, just like they always stayed three days tops with Toriel. That was fair, Chara reasoned. Fair and enough time for Frisk to strengthen their resolve.

But for today though... Everything was grey and wet even though it hadn't even had the chance to truly rain. Thunder rumbled in the distance, but still the threat was fruitless.

Mrs. Rew knocked on their door about an hour later. When they didn't answer she peeked inside.

"Frisk?" She smiled again seeing them in the bed. Still in their coat... She walked into the room but stopped halfway to the bed, giving them their space, but she stood tall and confidently. "I was about to start up supper? I was thinking baked macaroni and cheese. Or maybe a pizza."

Frisk stared...

"No preference?" She pushed, her voice too animated for having not heard a word from Frisk this whole time and only seeing one smile. She tilted her head after a moment, a stray, greying curl dangled against her shoulder, having escaped from her wild ponytail, held back by a red scrunchie. Chara briefly wondered how more of the mane didn't break free. "Alright."

Mrs. Rew began to move to the door.

"You could come help me make whatever." She told them while she waited by the door. "It would be good for us to get to know each other."

_"That's right! NOTHING has brought Papyrus and I closer than cooking!"_

Frisk pointedly shook their head, glaring worn daggers.

"Okay then." Mrs. Rew said as if she thought Frisk was missing out on the _funnest_ of times and should think better of it. "I'll be just down the hall in the kitchen if you need me. Or change your mind."

She left, leaving the door open just an inch, as if inviting Frisk to follow. Frisk narrowed their eyes and scooted off of the bed. They closed the door firmly and then looked around the room, searching for something to put in front of it.

_That probably isn't the best idea_ , Chara conceded.

Frisk didn't care.

_I saw a desk down in the other room. The chair..._ , Chara offered. Frisk nodded in agreement, abandoning their plan to push the bureau over. That was too loud anyways. They snuck out of the room and down the hall. The chair would definitely do.

*It's Mrs. Rew's chair.

*Chew.

Frisk snorted softly to themself, but then held their breath as they lifted the chair off of the floor to prevent it from scrapping across the ground.

_Breathe_..., Chara ordered. Reluctantly, Frisk obeyed.

They pushed the chair up underneath the door nob and nodded firmly at their work. Chara knew that with a little effort Mrs. Rew could still get in, but they let Frisk have their sense of success and protection.

They made their way back to the bed and crawled in. As they put their head down, they put a hand underneath the pillow and grasped the phone firmly. The other clutched at The Locket. They closed their eyes, letting themself drift off to sleep. When they woke up, it was dark, not just from the clouds, but night had clearly set in. The chair was no longer at the door. Frisk frowned and pried their aching fingers off of the phone and rubbed them as they got down from the bed.

This time they would secure the chair better, they would add something heavy on top of it...

But when they made their way out to the hall they froze at the sight of Mrs. Rew sitting in the chair, bent down over paperwork. Chara briefly wondered if it was Frisk's. She lifted her head and peered over the rim of her reading glasses at them, Frisk was frozen in place, wanting to escape back into the bedroom but not wanting to look absolutely terrified. But there was that smile again.

"Well hello." She greeted as they entered into what must have been the woman's study. She closed up whatever it was she had been looking over and then snapping off her glasses. "Are you hungry? I put the macaroni in the fridge but I can heat it up for you." Frisk shook their head though they were actually pretty hungry. Mrs. Rew hummed, thinking, as she rested her chin on her hand. "You're really missing out." She told them. "It's a brilliant recipe. Cheesy, gooey goodness, with a nice crispy top." Frisk swallowed but shook their head. "Ookaay, but you've got to eat something."

"Cookies." Frisk whispered. Mrs. Rew raised a brow. She hummed again.

"Unfortunately, I can't say I have any cookies." Frisk shook their head.

And that was how the first night, they sat at the kitchen table, eating Mr. Richardson's cookies one after the other with a glass of hot milk as Mrs. Rew nibbled on her own. They were good but a bit burnt on the bottom. He wasn't much of a baker, he had preferred stove top. Baking was the devil. Baking was math in disguise.

*He should have made No Bake cookies

No, they would have never set for him. It would have been No Bake goo.

"Mac 'n cheese is still on the table." Mrs. Garner offered after they had finished their fifth cookie.

*Still in the fridge. Actually.

Frisk scoffed softly, eating another cookie. Their stomach was starting to hurt... but they were determined to eat the whole tin. Normally, they would have kept the tin hidden, started their own small pile of food somewhere in the bedroom, to offer themself some sense of control and... security. But right then, if they were only staying three days, it didn't matter. And... they were determined to see how far Mrs. Rew would let them go.

"Done?" Mrs. Rew asked, and Frisk shook their head, taking another cookie in their hands. Mrs. Rew could not hide her grimace, Chara thought she knew exactly what Frisk was doing. Mrs. Rew opened up the fridge and pulled out the casserole dish. Frisk stopped with the cookie halfway to their mouth and frowned. Mrs. Rew filled a bowl and put it into the microwave. Frisk watched darkly as it spun.

They weren't eating it. They weren't.

But Mrs. Rew sat down with the bowl and fork and began to eat it herself.

It smelt... so good. It was intoxicating. Their blood was filled with sugar and their stomach begging for substance, but Frisk... Frisk ate the cookie, glaring more daggers into Mrs. Rew the entire time as they did. Determined.

_Frisk, we're going to get sick and actually be sick._ Chara told them. This wasn't monster food. They could actually throw up with ease.

Frisk refused to listen.

Chara rose up, eyes flashing, as Chara forced Frisk to put down the cookie they had tried to pick up. They felt Frisk roll with a wave of anger and betrayal but it did not last...

_No_ , Chara said pointedly.

The anger had made way into a strange sense of relief.

_I hate throwing up..._ , Frisk admitted. Chara smirked triumphantly.

And Mrs. Rew was looking right at them... Chara averted their gaze.

"Do you have anything else?" They whispered, trying their best to mimic Frisk's tone. Of course, that didn't really matter, Mrs. Rew had heard Frisk say exactly one thing before.

"Well of course. There's ham if you want a sandwhich. Old fashion peanut butter and jelly. I'm sure I can find lots more too."

"Ham."

"A sandwich?" Chara nodded.

They ate the rest without another word, even as Mrs. Rew kept trying to lure them into conversation as best she could.

"So, new foster home, it's always rough, I know." She told them as she made both of them hot tea. They glared at her, not offering a word. "Do you have any expectations? Fears? Hopes?" She tried. "I could help you with some of those if you would like." Chara stared, feeling Frisk's intense desire to burn embers into her with their eyes. "You're allowed to be angry, Frisk. You're allowed to be anything. But whether you believe it or not, I'm here to help." Mrs. Rew slid the mug in front of them and sat down with her own. "Jackie told me, you do not trust people easily."

Oh, so it was 'Jackie' here? That was telling... It also explained why she hadn't just dropped Frisk off, took the paper work, and left right away to the next thing to do. But Jackie was wrong. They had trusted, so easily, too easily, and they had gotten burnt too many times.

"I'm not asking for you to trust me. I'm just asking you to give me a chance to gain that trust." She told them.

Chara faltered in place, their mind jumping back through time.

_"I promised to not break your trust again_

_"... heh. to break somebody's trust ya gotta have it first."_

_"a part of me is hopin' one day... maybe... at least for a different sans, that.. that promise will mean something."_

Sans...

Trust... was such a huge thing. Something so carefully built up. So easily struck down.

And already, Chara could feel Frisk rejecting the very notion, the anger was squeezing around their Soul. Frisk, they could feel, was actually very angry, and staying it, as Mrs. Rew continued.

Talking. Asking questions. Leading...

_She's a therapist_ , Frisk realized.

"What?" Chara said aloud, but then blushed deeply as they reeled the conversation back into their head. _What?_

"Yes, Frisk?" Mrs. Rew encouraged. Chara frowned, stoking the anger.

This was an A/B conversation... She wasn't even a Z. Not even in Wingdings.

They took another large bite of their sandwich. Their anger... It was doubled. Frisk, they could feel, was actually very angry. And staying it. But soon Chara could feel that it was not just at Mrs. Rew, but Mrs. Garner too. Again.

_She's a **therapist**_ , Frisk repeated. Chara could feel Frisk taking Mrs. Rew apart in the back of their mind. Her greying hair, her black, wrinkled skin, the house. _She's a **retired** therapist! Those questions, the way she's holding herself._

Chara eyed Mrs. Rew again too, and then took that image and tried to compare it to the therapist who had tried to talk to Frisk after coming down the mountain. But just like Mrs. Garner and the librarian, Chara could not see it. But... her questions... were kinda similar.

And so was Frisk's distrust.

People, strangers you were supposed to talk to, that didn't know you, trying to tell you what to do. Chara did not have any concrete memories or experiences about them and therapists other than the one they had just had maybe two months ago, but Chara knew there was true bitterness and bad experiences. That Frisk didn't like it... At all.

And now Mrs. Garner had apparently stuck them in a home with one.

_**We're Resetting**._

Chara jolted in surprise as they felt a tug in their chest. But it died... Chara waited silently, the last bit of sandwich between their fingers.

_We..._ , Frisk faltered again. _We have to listen to the phone_ _still_ _._

Chara ate the last part of the sandwich, pretending to not think twice about what Frisk had said. But Chara knew the truth. And Frisk knew Chara knew the truth.

Frisk was still scared.

Scared enough to deal with a few days more with a therapist.

Chara stood up, ready to put themself to bed but Mrs. Rew lifted a hand to stop them. They stood rigid in place, staring...

"Frisk, I have one more thing to discuss. The door." She began. "You cannot block it like that, but tomorrow I promise, I will make you something of a.. Do Not Disturb sign." She promised. Both Chara and Frisk faltered again at that... Chara had been certain all along the chair wouldn't fly, but her calm reaction was...

_Let's go_ , Frisk pushed, taking the lead again and leaving Mrs. Rew behind in the kitchen. They slammed the door loudly.

They jumped up onto the bed.

Still in their coat.

They plopped down, still a bit queasy from all the sugar, and buried their head in the pillow. They were just so tired again...

Tired of... everything.

Chara slid in next to them, sending as much warmth as they could. Frisk sighed and turned over onto their back. They could feel the phone against the back of their skull as a lump in their pillow.

There was another knock on the door. Frisk sat up in the bed, glaring daggers again, but when the door opened, there was just a hand reaching in and sliding their cookie tin onto the top of the bureau. Then it retreated and the door closed again.

_I don't like her_ , Frisk said adamantly.. and believed they meant it. Chara... was not so sure. Just like they weren't so sure Frisk could hate even Mrs. Garner like they said they did. _I don't trust her._ Now that Chara did believe. To a point...

Because they couldn't help remember Frisk's first reaction to Toriel... There had been the briefest moment of fear and confusion, but it had all disappeared... with nothing but a smile. For all that Frisk hated everything that came with this situation, the smile was something they did, in fact, trust. It was safe. It was familiar. Even if it meant temporary.

So Chara... suspected Frisk did not want to trust her, but in their heart knew she truly wished to help. And as for not liking her? That was just another part of their attempt to build themself up. Their decision...

They couldn't afford to like her. To trust her.

So Chara stayed quiet, letting Frisk drift off to sleep. Chara stayed awake a bit longer, thinking... But also... not affording to think about how... all of this was making them uncomfortable. That _they_ were... scared.

Chara reached out, feeling Frisk who slept deeply beside them. Despite all of their built up anger and tension while they were awake, sleeping Frisk was relaxed again, dreamless and breathing easily.

Chara was starting to think... something about this... wasn't a good idea. They just weren't sure what. Frisk and Chara had already planned out what they were going to do once the Reset, it all lay before them, Frisk just had to give the go ahead, to be sure they had enough Determination to handle it. But the way Frisk had been acting lately, the way they... Something was just...

Chara closed their eyes, exhaling, as they settled in beside Frisk and slept...

The coat did not come off until after breakfast the next morning. And that was only because Frisk spilt milk on it and Mrs. Rew put it in the wash for them, promising to give it back as soon as it was clean, but perhaps you'll find it more comfortable inside without it on.

Frisk had only stared...

"That's a nice locket," Mrs. Rew had said, changing topics, keeping the flow of words going just as if Frisk was indeed talking to her. "Is that from home?" Frisk and Chara's hands had risen without a clear direction from either of them and clutched the heart tightly.

"Yes." Chara had answered firmly, eyes daring her to comment on it once again. She didn't.

And Frisk had stormed away after that, determined to not be taken in by her therapist charms. Frisk and Chara finally got a decent look at the rest of the house as they explored. And sure enough... there were pictures everywhere. Kids, most of them most definitely not hers. They were in the living room, smiling. There were in the hallway above Frisk's head. There were some in the study...

Frisk slipped into her bedroom while they knew Mrs. Rew was busy in the kitchen and looked through everything. Chara sat in the back of their mind in awe at how easily Frisk slid into their old routine.

_Know your enemy,_ someone had once said, and Frisk had seemed to have taken it to heart a long time ago... maybe not the enemy part, but definitely the knowing. Except this time they were probably ignoring things they would have before held close to their heart. And even as Chara was starting to become certain that Mrs. Rew wasn't, in fact, a therapist, but just knew her way around foster kids, they didn't bring it up. They let Frisk cling to whatever they thought they needed.

But whatever anger Frisk had been able to work up and hold onto froze instantly just as Chara and Frisk did when they came to the picture propped up by the side of Mrs. Rew's bed. It was a picture of a much younger her, with a man around her picture self's age... and two preteen boys. These... These were clearly hers. And Frisk noted... they had seen the boys in the other rooms too. Except... They couldn't come up with any that had either of them as.. adults.

They pushed through their discomfort and opened but the drawer to her night-stand...

In the middle of it all they found envelopes, several. There was a bright yellow emblem in the left hand corner.

They couldn't push past their discomfort after that.

"Oh there you are." Mrs. Rew greeted them as they re-entered the kitchen. They sat down at the table, tired again already. They rested their head against their arms on the table and hugged themself a bit as they closed their eyes. "Frisk." Mrs. Rew whispered. Frisk opened a single eye to view her. She held them a towel that had been tied so it had a loop. "We can make something better later, but for now, how about, if you put this on your door nob, then that means you wish to be left alone?" Frisk eyed it as she put it on the table. "You look exhausted." She commented again. "Perhaps you wanted to try it out."

Frisk nodded, taking the towel and escaping down the hall. It fit snug around their door handle and they made their way into the guest bed room. They sat on the bed... Kicking their feet... Not wanting to put their head on the pillow. They would feel the phone underneath again. Instead, they curled up along the wall.

But Frisk couldn't sleep.

Chara couldn't sleep...

They just lay there, the dread against their chest.

When they emerged a few hours later, they found their coat hanging on top of the towel, still nice and warm. They hadn't planned on putting it back on but the warmth and the smell of lavender was too inviting. It was nice, warm, and clean. Already, Frisk was feeling much more like themself to Chara as their muscles relaxed and they didn't feel angry or even weighed down. Even if it wasn't perfect.

Perhaps... A bath would help, too.

That night, Frisk went to bed with nice fluffy hair, but it still did not hide the bump of the phone. They curled up against the side of the wall again. And this time... Frisk slept.

But Chara still couldn't...

Frisk's eyes opened, but the gold was distinctly more red then was advisable. Chara did not care though. They had to go to the restroom and there was no point in waking Frisk for that when Chara planned on making their way right back to the bedroom afterwards.

Perhaps Chara was a ghost, but they could be a considerate ghosts if they wanted to be.

When Chara came out of the bathroom, they stopped by the window in the kitchen. The rain was pattering down, the clouds finally having fulfilled their promise of rain. Chara leaned up against it for a bit, watching the raindrops trail down the glass and smear the lights outside along the street and in the neighbor's houses.

Humans... All of the houses were filled with humans. They were in a house... With a human. On the **surface**. But... A human who had taken care of many other humans. Humans that were not her own...

Frisk had told Chara that the host families were paid to take care of them, but at the same time Chara was more than certain money had nothing to do with why Mrs. Rew had agreed to do this. Nor the Richardsons, even.

Chara felt something stir inside them, some uncertainty. They pushed it away just as they pushed themself away from the window and began to make their way back to the bedroom.

They did not make it.

The light to the study was on and Chara was uncertain as to if it had been on before... They stood still, for... more than a few minutes. Listening. To their breathing. To their heartbeat. To any noise that would come from the study. They swallowed, trying to build up enough determination to move. Either to the study or back to the bedroom. Instead they just stood there though...

If they hadn't been stopped by the rain that had finally decided to fall. If they hadn't looked out the window. If they hadn't thought... They would have easily escaped back into bed. But now they were stuck. Stuck with an array of thoughts they did not want to entertain, but had been... haunting them... Haunting them ever since they had realized... The Human Souls...

Chara swallowed and pushed forward towards the study.

Mrs. Rew was sitting at her desk, writing. She didn't seem to hear Chara come in and when she glanced back, she jumped slightly and breathed out loudly. Putting a hand over her heart she shook her head.

"Frisk, you startled me! You're quieter than the mice in the walls!" Chara turned their body away from her, pretending to look over the pictures, noting her sons in a few of them. But only a few. Other kids were everywhere else... Chara focused on two of the pictures close together, no longer just pretending to look them over. Chara compared her face; the one with her son, the one with The Other.

Chara felt an intense fear in their heart...

"Mrs. Rew, can I... ask you questions?" They heard Mrs. Rew pause in obvious surprise. It was the most Frisk or Chara had said to her the entire day and a half they had been with her.

"Well of course." She told them. "But please, call me Abigail."

Abigail...

"Ms. Abigail, what happened to your sons?" Chara heard Ms. Abigail lose her breath for a moment as if Chara had sucker punched her in the gut. She must have been asked hundreds of times before, but perhaps she did not expect them to just spring it on her like this. Especially after their prolonged silence. Especially not this early.

"Well.." She began, evening out her voice. Chara glanced over, watching her hand brush against the side of the desk. "My boys, both my husband and my sons, they were coming home from a football game at their school. Mike wanted so badly to join when he was old enough. He went to every game he could get to. I sometimes went with them, but that night, I had to work. I was working nights back then, I was planning on shifting to days soon, so I could see them all more often, the night shift... was getting too hard-"

"There was an accident." Chara stated, looking at the smiling boy in the picture they assumed was Mike. His hair was shaved nearly down to his skull and he wore what appeared to be a sports jersey.

"Yes. There was a man, a drunk driver." Chara blinked, but then an anger was burning inside them.

"They were **murdered**." Chara realized.

"In a way." Chara wanted to twist towards her, but they dared not. Instead they simply fisted their hands tightly.

"More than just **in a way**!" Chara felt Frisk stir and they shut their mouth tightly as they froze, not wanting to wake them up and for them to see Chara was talking to her... Not wanting for Frisk to see they were consorting with the enemy.

"You're right..." Ms. Abigail agreed. "But that was a long time ago."

They hated, hated, hated her tone!

"So?!" Chara stared embers into the her of the photograph with her son since they couldn't stare into her. "He's still hurt.. d-dead." They blinked back the tears. They had tried being angry. They had never really had trouble being angry with humans before but somehow... right then... "Did you hate that man? Did you never forgive him?"

"... No. I did not forgive him." Ms. Abigail admitted after a moment. "But I don't hate him anymore. It was a mistake."

"You wrote him letters." Ms. Abigail paused again in surprise. Chara sniffed and rubbed at their nose.

"You searched my room. My night-stand." She realized, but there was no real anger in her voice like there should have been. "Frisk, look at me, please." Chara shook their head and kept staring at her picture on the wall.

She stood up and cautiously she put a hand on their back. Chara lifted their shoulders protective, but Ms. Abigail did not move. Her hand remain, touching but not holding on. If they truly wished to escape all they had to do was lean forward.

"Yes, I wrote him letters." She admitted. "Not at first, no, that came much, much later. But.. I had to. You see. He was hurting too. I was hurting." Ms. Abigail sighed sadly. "My sons... My husband... They were dead. There was nothing I could do for them. But the two of us, I could. I wanted to at least understand. And in understanding, I could figure things out. And I could decide what I wanted to do about it. I learned that.. when something like this happens... You have to turn your pain into something that helps people."

"So you take in kids to **replace** your old ones." Chara snapped. "And in the end you help nobody. They just get cast off again!"

"No... I do help them the best I can. And then, they either go back to their family, or get placed somewhere else that can be better for them in the long run."

Chara was silent, Ms. Abigail's hand beginning to message the back of their neck. Chara closed their eyes.

"Being tossed about like that isn't good for anybody." They whispered. "Feeling like you don't belong anywhere... That nowhere can be your h-home..."

They were just... So angry, upset, and hurt on Frisk's behalf... The fact that she was just so calm about any of this. Frisk deserved-!

"You're right." Ms. Abigail said, cutting through Chara's thoughts and rage. "I can't help everyone that is brought to me. Sometimes there isn't enough time. You can only control so much. And sometimes... your placement gives you the silent treatment... the _entire_ time... and there is nothing you can do to really save them."

Save...

"Mrs. Garner said you hadn't had a placement in awhile." Chara stated, wiping at their nose again.

"Yes. Sometimes, you need a break. Especially after... a rough placement that.. ends so badly."

"The kids you take care of don't get that luxury." Chara countered.

"No." Ms. Abigail said sadly. "No, I know that all too well, Frisk." There was another moment of silence, Ms. Abigail removed her hand from their back and reached forward, taking the picture of her and her son off of the wall. "Frisk, I think about my sons and husband everyday... I have never replaced them. I simply... moved forward. Because they would want me to. They would want me to help people if I could. And so I do."

"Were you a therapist?"

She laughed, she actually laughed.

"Oh glory, no!" She said. "But I guess I've been to a few too many, I must sound like one at times!" She shook her head. "But no. No, no, no..." She sat back down, picture still in hand. "No, I'm just a broken old woman trying to help out a few more broken souls."

Chara risked looking at her directly while she was staring down at the photo lovingly, lovingly and sad... The rain came down steadily against the roof and the window in the corner, and the pain clutched at Chara's heart.

"I know what you are." Chara said finally. Ms. Abigail looked up curiously but Chara turned away, looking at all the pictures around them again.

"What am I of what?" Ms. Abigail asked.

"Your Soul. I know what colour it is."

"Oh? Colour?"

"It's Blue. Integrity. That's why Mrs. Garner brought us here. Fr- I need someone to get to me. The Richardsons were Green and Purple, but you... You're Blue." And that was why Frisk wanted to hate her. "Blue brings out things, even if you don't want it to." Chara finished.

Orange. Yellow. Blue. Green. Purple. Cyan...

Bravery. Justice. Integrity. Kindness. Perseverance. Patience.

And... Red...

Chara stood there, the dread sitting on their chest, _knowing_...

Chara shook off the feeling and instead refocused on the pictures, on the faces of the human children, each with their own bright Soul.

"I always hated humanity. I thought we were nothing but destructive. That we destroyed everything good we came into contact with." Chara admitted. "But lately... I've met a few that have proved me wrong."

Frisk, who had Saved Chara even after everything they had done.

The Human Souls... who perhaps, just like Ms. Abigail, hadn't forgiven Asgore what he had done, but even so had... had come. They had come when Chara and Frisk had called. They had tried their best. They would continue to try their best. They would come again... They would always help.

People who took in kids who were not their own just because it was the right thing to do.

Human Souls didn't need compassion and love to exist, but that did not mean they could not have them in abundance, just like Monsters.

The colours. The rain. The pictures and the smiling faces... Chara's mind was spinning and they realized how tired they still were.

"You should get back to bed, Frisk." Ms. Abigail encouraged. Chara nodded, turning towards the door. They stopped just outside in the hall.

"Goodnight." They called.

"Goodnight." Ms. Abigail said warmly. Chara grasped at The Locket tightly all the way back to the room and only let go to throw the covers back over top Frisk's body and they snuggled into bed.

Tomorrow... Tomorrow they would get Frisk to listen to the message. And then... Then they would decide together what to do. They would..

Their mind drifted off into a fitful slumber, but at the last moment they handed control completely to Frisk again, letting the dreamless child get the sleep they deserved even if Chara couldn't really give them anything else.


	40. Not Wanting To Make Difficult Choices

"you still doing okay?" Sans asked as they hesitated on the steps that lead into the basement of New Home. Chara glanced back, their eyes sweeping over the house; its walls bear and devoid of furniture. Without the yellow flowers, everything seemed even more greyed out and their golden eyes shown bright... though sad.

"I was wrong." Chara said.

"what? wrong about what?"

"About Frisk being dreamless. I just didn't feel it and they were hiding it whenever they woke up."

That... was not good. That was never good.

"I knew they had been terrified, but I... And I had gotten used to Frisk telling me basically everything or being able to read between the lines, but this time I had no clue... I didn't realize... At least not to what extent."

"nightmares." Sans filled in. Chara nodded. Frisk, having been oddly silent the whole time, remained so. Sans' thoughts flew to that morning, to the way Frisk had stood in the doorway of their bedroom before coming over to him and just resting their head against him limply.

_"I was surrounded by flowers. I couldn't breath... You just stared brokenly, like I wasn't even there."_

"but not nightmares about the humans... were they?"

But about them: the Monsters...

And Sans wished he could say that... he didn't understand. But he did. He understood so perfectly. It was everything they had been facing this entire timeline, trying their hardest not to fall apart under his gaze.

Giving up was easy when nothing sticks. You grow tired. You give yourself up to apathy; not caring what happens next because it doesn't really matter in the end.

You just go with the flow, and for Frisk that had meant doing whatever the adults asked. It was the easiest...

Until you couldn't anymore. Until it all came crashing down and something snapped within you like a string pulled too tightly and you realized that... it really was all the same. That nothing would ever change. Nothing would ever get better.

Things would move on without ever moving on... Always having everything ripped away in the end even though you had put your all into it or hadn't even tried.

Never able to stay.

You were powerless... Your voice had no meaning.

If you got a glimpse of something, it was ripped away. That was the only consistency. The loss just repeated. There was nothing else.

You shatter. You stand there with your brother looking at you with that expression that broke you even further and stuck with you even when the world Reset and kept you from ever breaking apart again because you couldn't afford to. You held it together as best you could.

That's what happened to Frisk, too. Except instead of Papyrus who made them pick themself up, it had been everyone. Everyone they loved... and loved a whole lot. They had pushed themself and Chara away from the brink of literal destruction and had fought to give something back. Going. Moving. They just had to go...

Giving up, growing numb, wasn't an option anymore. You couldn't help but hope now because you had no other alternative. It was the only thing keeping you going. Hope that they would forgive you. Hope that they would at least let you try. Hope that perhaps there was in fact a happy ending... But a part of you also 'knew' that, in your heart, the hope wasn't real. If there was a happy end... it wasn't a happy ending for you.

But it wasn't about you. It was about them. If it was about you, it would have all crumbled down a long time ago. But no, it was what you could give back. What you **would** give back. To them... To all of them.

And as long as they were happy... You, too, could somehow be happy.

Like he had with Papyrus.

Like Chara had done with Asriel... and then again with Frisk.

Like Frisk had done with literally, pretty much everyone else.

But...

Sans could see another face, one that had kept propping up in his mind since he had first seen it. Their face, anxious and terrified as they looked up at him.

 _"Was that okay?"_ They had whispered through their masking smile. _"Was that selfish?"_

Because for all that they told themself that if everyone else was happy, they could be happy, the hope still gripped their chest like a vice. The hope that... the happy ending could include them too. But that hope could never overcome the fear, the dread that hung over them. Because-

_"you still don't think you deserve it. even after everything, you still can't accept it. you miss people who hurt you and you still can't give yourself the same benefit... firsk..."_

And that was the true reason they had ran down the mountain. Not just to strengthen their resolve, though that was a part of it, but because of the terror that lay there.

Because sometimes... you hold onto hope. Even hope you reason is hollow. You tell yourself it will be fine, in the end. You don't truly believe it but you keep telling yourself that.

But once you get to the end? And you begin to realize that... perhaps... you had been wrong. Perhaps it was real after all...?

...

..

.

It terrifies you.

 **Paralyzes** you.

Because you don't deserve it to be that way. But you're also terrified that if you let the hope become real it will shatter between your reaching fingertips and you'll be burned again. You are torn between the two. The hope that you can perhaps be happy but also the fear that nobody will be.

You don't want to know.

You run.

For Sans it had been avoiding talking to them, to just let it sit.

For Chara, it had been running up the mountain.

For Frisk... It had been coming down this one last time.

Just one last time. They just needed... time. They just wanted to-

But the truth was they were paralyzed.

Because they could see the end... The end of everything. The light was about to be clicked on and they could finally step off of the treadmill, but-!

Each time they pulled out the phone, wanting to listen, longing to hear all of their voices, they couldn't bring themself to do it..

There sleep had not, in fact, been dreamless. The opposite. Perhaps out of the two children, Frisk was a lot less likely to hide things, to block their feelings off from The Other, but the last three months were the exception. Their silence was one thing, but not solitary. The dreams would not stop, the nightmares. And each time, Frisk was paralyzed once more. Frozen in terror. In the mounting dread. They couldn't breath. They couldn't call out for the help they knew they needed. The help that was right there beside them.

But they knew that if they did, Chara would blame themself. That would be someone else unhappy. It would just add to the dreams.

The dreams that choked them as they stood there, the phone in front of them and the words coming through it to entangle them like vines.

_"but even though people are heartbroken over the king... and things are looking grim for our freedom..."_

_"just give up, i did."_

_"Oh and if you DO hurt Asgore-"_

_*You should just..._

_*Stay here._

_*It's better than..._

_*Knowing for certain that he was lying._

_"I'll take the Human Souls. Cross The Barrier. And beat the HELL out of you. That's what friends are for, right?"_

_"SHE STILL BLAMES YOU... FOR THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ASGORE... SHE TALKS TO ME A LOT... ABOUT GETTING REVENGE ON YOU."_

_"that promise i made to her... you know what would have happened if she hadn't said anything? ...buddy. **... You'd be dead where you stand."**_

_"who knows how long it will take... but we will get out of here."_

_*But they **won't**._

_Treadmills in the dark..._

_The sickening scent of flowers-_

_The consuming smell of dust-_

Frisk woke up, taking a sharp, desperate breath, their heart racing.

They just had to... To get through the day. Deep breath. Another. Just... J-Just...

It would be okay. It would all be okay.

"How about this one?" Mrs. Rew asked, holding up a shirt for them to see. Frisk eyed the shirt in the corner of their eye. They simply stared. Mrs. Rew hummed as she put it back on the rack. Something seemed to catch her eye and she moved across the lane. "I noticed you seem to like stripes." She stated as she pulled another shirt. She held it up for Frisk to observe. It was a dark black with three yellow stripes and a bumble bee over the heart.. Frisk shrugged. "Well I'll _bee_ , we got a response."

Frisk frowned and crossed their arms, but Chara rose up suddenly, a slight excitement beneath the straight-faced expression they put on Frisk's face. Chara took the shirt out of the cart again and hung it back up as they kept their eyes meeting Mrs. Rew's directly.

"No." Chara whispered pointedly. Mrs. Rew laughed. Frisk jolted in surprise as Chara couldn't help but smile, like they were somehow.. proud to have gotten it out of her. As if that had been their intent. And perhaps... it had been. That feelings, that excitement, Chara usually only had that when they were about to do something they knew would get a specific response. Especially from Frisk.

Frisk felt something stir in the pit of their stomach.

"You didn't like my pun?" Mrs. Rew asked. "That just _stings_ , Frisk."

Frisk shoved Chara to the side, probably a bit more roughly than they intended to as they took back some sort of control.

" **You're** not allowed to tell me puns." Frisk said, their voice harsh as their eyes narrowed dangerously. They felt a sting of hurt from Chara, and something else they couldn't rightly decipher as Frisk felt too turned upside down to figure it out.

They had to harden their heart to all of this. Chara had seemed to get that months ago, this was... Chara was being the opposite of helpful and it was so strange and out of character and Frisk's fingers were shaking. But they had no answers. Chara was closed off now, standing behind Frisk like a solid beam of support and Frisk exhaled, thankful that whatever that was had just been a one time thing.

Chara was still on their side...

Mrs. Rew did not respond directly to Frisk's outburst, but Frisk could tell she had listened. She lowered her head a bit, thinking, absorbing it into whatever mental therapist file she had on Frisk before moving on. Chara was solemn in the back of Frisk's mind. Mrs. Rew was silent, shifting through the clothes.

She had told them they could get any outfits they wanted, that they had to have something for school other than the few they had brought along with them. But it was pointless. There would be no school tomorrow. Tomorrow would never come...

At least... At... At least that was what Frisk had decided.

Their mind flashed back to the pillow in the guest bed. To the phone that lay beneath it.

A few hours later, they exhaustedly followed Mrs. Rew back to the car and slid into the backseat while she piled the bags into the trunk. They refused to look at her as she entered the car and they played with the end of their coat's sleeve, wet from the rain that hadn't stopped falling since the night before.

They were halfway hom- to the house when she spoke up again.

"I have a question." Mrs. Rew began, and Frisk didn't respond. Technically, she had had many questions. The last few hours had been nothing but questions. But the way she stated this sounded as if it would require more than a head movement or blank stare. And reluctantly, Frisk listened. But only because they could tell she always listened whenever they did end up speaking... even if that was just her old job and they hated it. "You said my soul was blue, correct? Integrity?"

Frisk's eyes opened wide and their mouth dropped. Behind them, Chara had become rigid and Frisk could feel the terror sweeping through them along with a wave of guilt. Frisk turned their attention to Chara, their mind wordless but a million questions being shot Chara's way.

They'd talked to her? Without Frisk? Without _telling_ Frisk?

The shock and betrayal Frisk was feeling only made Chara cower. And that action... made Frisk pause and feel guilty themself.

But Mrs. Rew was still talking.

"I'm not sure what that is supposed to mean." She glanced Frisk's way in the rearview mirror and they closed their mouth tightly. "But I was curious, if my soul is blue, what colour is yours, Frisk?"

Frisk stared, their eyes still wide with surprise... Their hands were now against their chest, their fingers wanting to cling to The Locket but instead only found the coat zipper.

"You don't have to answer." Mrs. Rew stated obviously. But Frisk swallowed.

"Red." They said weakly.

"Red." Mrs. Rew repeated. "Like the stop sign?" She asked, indicating the metal object the car was idling beside. Frisk shook their head-

Blue stop signs-

"Brighter." They whispered, fingers tighter against their coat.

Bright red. Bright light. Like a stop light... perhaps.

"But what about it?" Mrs. Rew asked, the car starting to move forward again along with the conversation. "What does red mean?"

Frisk opened their mouth, _determination_ on their lips, but...

"I don't know." Frisk admitted.

"Well, what about bravery?" Mrs. Rew asked. Frisk shook their head immediately.

"No. Orange." Frisk answered, their voice dropping even further as their cheeks began to burn. They didn't want to be talking, why were they talking? Frisk caved in deeper upon themself, lowering their head, determined to not answer any more of her questions.

Chara was silent, almost hiding in the back of their mind, the guilt still there, the guilt at having Frisk know.

Frisk wanted to be angry. But... they couldn't stay it. Not at Chara... It wouldn't be fair for them to stay angry. They had wanted... Frisk had wanted Chara to participate, to go along, to not be just a voice in the back of their head. And Chara had talked to someone! Without Frisk pushing them. A human even!

But Frisk... could not indulge in the emotions those thoughts brought forward. Frisk couldn't afford to hope. Hope got you hurt. Got you burned... It always fell through.

Frisk knew what they had to do. They could not think otherwise.

Besides... They were nearing the house.

And with it...

 _F-Frisk_ , Chara finally spoke up and Frisk paused, listening intently. _I'm sorry. I know you didn't want us to talk to her, but... it just happened. You were asleep, you..._

 _... how does that work?_ , Frisk asked.

 _Huh_?

 _How does that work? Me being asleep... but my body isn't?_ , Frisk could feel the immense relief from Chara as they realize Frisk refused to be truly upset.

 _I... I don't think it does._ Chara said _. I mean, I don't think you would wake up feeling like you've slept. It was just a short while though._

Frisk just nodded.

There was another moment of silence, but Frisk could feel Chara thinking.

 _F-Frisk, c-can I..._ , Chara hesitated, there was a fear in Frisk's stomach that wasn't theirs. _Can I ask her one more thing?_ _Before we?_

So Chara knew too, had figured out what they were planning on forcing themself to do the moment they got to the house, to the bedroom.

The phone. The.. The Reset.

Frisk blinked in surprise. Surprise that Chara still wanted to do anything that had to do with a human. Even in the store, Chara had been eyeing everyone suspiciously, but perhaps... it had had a layer of curiosity too. Frisk took a shaky breath but then nodded again, slowly. They closed their eyes, letting Chara slip into place. Their eyes opened, still gold.

"Once we get home I'll put all your new clothes in the wash. That way you'll have something clean and new tomorrow. Anything you chose." Mrs. Rew told them as they approached the driveway.

"Ms. Abigail?" Chara began weakly, she glanced their way in the rearview mirror.

"Yes, Frisk?" Chara tightened their fingers into a fist as they turned their gaze out the window, as Mrs. Rew waited, expectantly, always willing, always willing to help. Frisk's stomach twisted again, this time from both Frisk's and Chara's emotions.

"Yesterday..."

"Yes?" Mrs. Rew said, to show she was listening, to show she was willing to continue whatever it was the two of them had talked about, even if, Frisk was starting to understand, it had been sort of painful for both of them.

"I..." Something caught in Chara's throat. "Nevermind." Chara stated, cutting the conversation short.

"You can always ask me later." Mrs. Rew promised. There was a sharp pain in Frisk's stomach as both of them knew that wasn't true. This was the only chance Chara had.

 _Do you.. want to talk to her alone?_ , Frisk asked. Chara was a wall of shock, but after a moment... Chara shook their head. They sat back in silence, their fingers laced together. Too tightly...

They left Mrs. Rew to carry in the bags by herself, dashing through the rain and into the house though they left the door open for her despite it not mattering. They pulled their makeshift Do Not Disturb towel and threw it over the door handle and shut the door firmly. They held their hand firmly against the door, pressing, as if that could somehow lock it. Seal it shut.

But all they had was a fragile trust and uncertain promise.

Frisk rushed from the door and threw themself, coat and shoes on once again, onto the bed.

Frisk bit down, swallowed; determined. Or as determined as they could imagine themself to be. They turned over onto their side, lifting their head to see the pillow and the knowing phone underneath. Frisk's thoughts were like static. And they quickly realized that... they couldn't.

They couldn't do it this time. They couldn't stay determined. And they couldn't calm down. Every time before they could always tell themself that, for sure, they would just listen the next time. Next time would do. One day more. Just one more time. But now-

_Fr-Frisk?_

There were no more excuses.

No more distractions.

The three days were up. It was time.

This had been a horrible mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake. They should have never second guessed it. They should have never came back down here. They should have never climbed down the mountain...

It had worked too well.

Because it was just the same. It really was just the same again. All the same. Always the same. Coming. Going. Stay. Leave.

Just like Frisk had expected. Just like Frisk had needed. Even... wanted.

It was all the same. On the surface it was always...

But what if-?

 _Frisk...?,_ Chara tried nervously when Frisk had stayed staring for a bit too long, their heart racing too quickly for someone just laying there.

_"but even though people are heartbroken over the king... and things are looking grim for our freedom..."_

_"SHE STILL BLAMES YOU... FOR THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ASGORE... SHE TALKS TO ME A LOT... ABOUT GETTING REVENGE ON YOU."_

Frisk's breathing hitched and picked up. They couldn't lift their hand. They couldn't reach out to grab the phone like they knew they should.

The doubt, the dread, was contaminating everything.

The phone... Everything they were avoiding with avoiding listening to the phone...

The fear. The dread. The knowledge that whatever was going on Underground was all their fault-

 _Frisk...?!_ , Chara tried more desperately.

Frisk didn't want to listen. Didn't want to know. To know for certain.

They were so scared.

They didn't want to listen.

Because they had made friends with everyone, everyone but Sans, whom they had avoided as much as possible, and without doing True Lab.. Alphys. The closes they thought they could get to a Barrier Breaking ending without actually getting there.

But what if?

_"Oh and if you DO hurt Asgore-"_

What if Undyne still wanted to kill them? Because they had befriended her but Asgore had still died? And they couldn't even say they couldn't help it because they knew for certain a way to keep him alive, two ways. But what if she still hated them?

_"I'll take the Human Souls. Cross The Barrier. And beat the HELL out of you."_

Wanted to kill them?

_"That's what friends are for, right?"_

Felt betrayed?

What if Sans-? What if he wouldn't tell them any puns? What if-? What everyone was still hurt, broken, blamed them. They didn't want-

_*You should just..._

_*Stay here._

_*It's better than..._

_*Knowing for certain that he was lying._

Frisk just wanted to disappear. To die right there without having to face-

 _ **Frisk**_ _!_ , Phantom hands, arms, were wrapping around Frisk's shoulders, holding them steady and leaning in close. Frisk gasped as they opened their eyes, uncertain as to when they had closed them. Their heart was racing. It had been awhile since... they had thought that. But they were just so-

 _Chara, I'm scared_ , Frisk admitted. _I'm so scared!_

_Shhhhhhhh. It's okay! It's going to be-!_

"What if it's all the same?" Frisk whispered frantically.

_It's-_

"No." Frisk whispered. "What if.. when we Reset, it's still just the same? What if I don't break The Barrier and everyone.. everyone is angry with me? What if they don't want me? What if I'm still sent away somewhere? Or they kill me again? Or-"

 _Frisk!_ , Chara cried. _It's not going to happen!_

"You don't know-"

_But we do know! We know! They care! They listen! They come!_

"But what if-?"

_If you can't listen to me, listen to them! Listen to the phone! You know I'm right!_

"I... I can't. I can't listen. I don't want to know if it's that bad!" The tears were building up in Frisk's eyes. "I don't want..."

 _I really think you should listen..._. Chara said. Frisk took in a deep, shuttered breath. _I think you need to._

_But you said.. it was better not to know for sure._

_I also said you should kill everyone so we could erase the world and ourselves. Frisk. I've been an **idiot**._

_... That's..._

_True?_

_That's not what I was going to say!_

Chara laughed, Frisk could feel it in their own chest; it was sad...

_But it is true... I'm an idiot. The biggest idiot of all...And if this is how its going to be, with you beating yourself up over everything while not knowing, then I was wrong. You need to know, Frisk._

There was another round of silence.

 _Will you do it for me?_ , Frisk asked.

_If that's what you really want...but I don't think you do._

_N... No_. Chara was right. They...

Their shaking hands reached out for the pillow, but they hesitated again.

A warm invisible hand supported their wrist. Frisk breathed in deeply and they pulled out the phone. The hand continued to support them as their thumb worked to turn it on and then dig into their voice mail. Their thumb hovered over the message.

Frisk... Frisk wanted... Frisk wanted so many things. Too many things.

Frisk couldn't do it. They pulled the phone close to their chest and continued to cry. Still so scared. So terrified. Their wrist felt funny, and Frisk took a deep breath again, and realized... it felt as if someone's finger was rubbing against their wrist gently, it felt familiar. The gesture- Somebody had done that to Chara but Frisk couldn't remember who, but at the same time... The action helped them breath. To clear their mind..

No matter how badly it would hurt. They had to listen to it, Chara was right. They needed to listen. Even if it was all wrong... Frisk had decided hadn't they? It didn't matter what Frisk got. If they could stay or not. As long as it was **real**.

The rain outside was still pouring like it had since the night before... nonstop. There was a long, long silence. Frisk tried their hardest to get their breathing under control, taking in Chara's warmth even as they felt The Other One thinking. Frusk curled in more on themself, feeling both cold and warm at the same time.

 _Frisk...,_ Frisk could feel warm hands against theirs, holding on tightly, squeezing as if the two children were laying face to face together upon the bed. Frisk could see Chara's face in their mind's eye; like a ghost beside them that their imagination had conjured up. _It's going to be okay...Everyone is waiting for us._

_But!_

_We should get going._

Frisk breathed in sharply, trying to calm themself down as best they could. The familiar words driving them forward.

_*You should get going..._

Frisk quickly pressed the button and curled up, bringing the phone up to their chest as they squeezed their eyes shut tightly.

 _Please... Please don't hate me,_ They begged despite themself. Chara squeezed comfortingly, warmly...

 _Of course they won't hate you, Frisk_ , Chara whispered calmly.

"heya. is anyone there...?"

Sans' voice greeted and it hit them like a sharp bone through their Soul. Frisk missed them. It had only been three months but Frisk had missed them all so, so much. There had been a black void in their chest that the dread had filled and hearing their voice made Frisk almost crumble immediately. They took in a sharp gasp, the tears springing up in their eyes that they blinked away. The fear and the longing were suffocating. "well, i'll just leave a message..."

Frisk held their breath, their heart ready to burst in their chest.

"so... it's been a while. the queen returned, and is now ruling over the underground. she's enstated a new policy... all humans who fall here will be treated not as enemies.. but as friends."

The same.

" _that promise i made to her... you know what would have happened if she hadn't said anything? ...buddy. **... You'd be dead where you stand."**_

"it's probably for the best, anyway. the human souls the king gathered... seem to have disappeared."

The same.

"so, uh, that plan ain't happening any time soon."

Always...

"but even though the people are heartbroken over the kind... and things are looking grim for our freedom... the queen's trying her best not to let us give up hope."

Always the same!

"so, uh, hey... if we're not giving up down here... don't give up wherever you are, okay?"

_"just give up, i did."_

_No, Frisk... He's rooting for you._ Chara whispered.

 _You don't believe that!_ , Frisk cried.

_No. I do believe it. I just.. don't understand. There's a difference._

Frisk had missed what Sans had said next but they knew what he had said already, they had memorized it by heart, that one time when they had come up to the surface... and had lived on their own. They had played the message over and over and over back then. Wanting to go home...

"who knows how long it will take... but we will get out of here."

 _*But they **won't**_.

"SANS! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?" Papyrus shouted, right on cue. All of it the same.

"oh, nobody."

Nobody...

"WHAT?! NOBODY?! CAN I TALK TO THEM, TOO?"

"here, knock yourself out."

"WAIT A SECOND... I RECOGNIZE THIS NUMBER!"

Now, he was going to tell them about how Undyne hated them. Wanted to 'beat them up'. About how the Royal Guard was gone, she was jobless, his dreams crushed-

"ATTENTION, HUMAN! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS... AM NOW CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD!"

Frisk gasped, their eyes opening wide.

Different.

New.

"IT'S EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF... EXCEPT, INSTEAD OF FIGHTING, WE JUST WATER FLOWERS. SO THAT'S EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT."

Frisk couldn't help but laugh.. Laugh at the absurd- They covered their mouth with one hand. Tears still stinging their eyes. Beside them, Chara was beaming, but at Frisk or Papyrus, Frisk wasn't so sure.

"AND WE'RE HELPING DR. ALPHYS WITH HER RESEARCH! SHE'S GONNA FIND A WAY TO GET US OUT OF HERE. UNDYNE IS HELPING HER TOO!" Frisk's heart fluttered, still in fear and apprehension. "THOUGH, TO BE HONEST, HER METHOD OF HELPING... SEEMS KIND OF... EXPLOSION- INDUCING." Frisk laughed again, Chara did too, this time clearly because of Papyrus and Undyne. "BUT I THINK ALPHYS LIKES HAVING HER AROUND- UH OH!"

"Hey!" Undyne's voice charged.

Frisk pressed the hand against their mouth tighter, their stomach twisting, turning, the fear everywhere. It was a never ending roller coaster of joy and fear and uncertainty, Even Chara was holding their breath despite their encouraging words from earlier. Because Undyne was Undyne. She couldn't be anything but herself. And as herself she felt things very, very deeply... and Chara wasn't sure she would have taken the time to fully think the situation over before letting her emotions make judgment. But... it had been a few months. Those feelings would have had time to-

"What are you up to, punk?! Nggaahhh!" There was a slight muffled sound and Frisk and Chara weren't sure what to make of it-

"PLEASE DON'T NOOGIE THE PHONE."

 _Undyne!_ , Chara cried, feeling encouraged and relieved.

"Hey! Who's in charge here?!" Undyne demanded of the skeleton daring to give her orders.

"ME!" Papyrus declared in exasperation. Frisk was still in tears, but this time the knots in their stomach were from trying not to laugh too loudly and be heard from the hall.

"Oh... yeah. That's right! I quit my job as leader of the Royal Guard. Actually, since we won't be fighting anymore... The Royal Guard totally disbanded. There's, uh, only one member now."

"BUT HE'S EXTREMELY GOOD."

"Yeah! He is! C'mere!"

"PLEASE DON'T NOOGIE THE SKELETON."

Frisk closed their eyes, breathing in sharply. They missed them. They missed them so much.. Everyone-

"Anyways, now I'm working as Alphys' lab assistant... We're gonna find a way out of this dump once and for all!"

They...

The Barrier...

The laughter was easing out of Frisk, a cold sensation filling them-

"Oh yeah, and I'm a gym teacher at the queen's new school."

 _What?!_ , Chara cried again. _Oh my god! I bet MK is living a dream!_

"Did you know I can bench-press seven children?!"

_MK is totally living a dream!_

"Awesome, right?"

Frisk was smiling again, but... it didn't last. Undyne was pausing... for too long...

"... Hey." Undyne began softly, and Frisk knew... Knew what she wanted to talk about. "I'm sorry about what happened with Asgore."

There was a tense, desperate silence.

_I'm sorry-_

"You were just doing what you had to... It's not your fault he..."

_"I'm sorry... I couldn't give you a simple, happy ending..."_

"Ah, darn it. I miss the big guy."

_"... He's kind of like your dad, isn't he?"_

"..."

"Come on, Undyne! Snap out of it!" She chided herself. Frisk nodded, trying their best to snap out of it too. As best they could. But they couldn't stop crying. Undyne- "Uh, I guess I'll tell you how Alphys is doing. Well, she's the same as ever. Maybe a little more reclusive than normal."

 _Sounds like someone else I know..._ , Chara stated. Frisk paid no attention to Chara and only to the voice on the other side of the phone.

"Seems like something's really bothering her..."

The amalgamates... She still hadn't done anything about the amalgamates... even after months...

"But she can get through it! I'm there supporting her! That's what friends are for, right?"

_"That's what friends are for, right?"_

"..."

"..."

"Hey, wherever you are... I hope it's better than here."

Frisk's heart lurched, cracking and threatening to shatter in an instant.

"It took a lot of sacrifice for you to get there... So, wherever you are... You have to try to be happy, okay?!" Frisk was sobbing openly again. "For our sakes!" Undyne declared. "We'll feel better knowing out trouble was worth it. We're all with you! Everyone is! Even the queen!"

 _Mom..._ , Chara whispered to themself.

"... HEYYYY! WAIT a second! TORIEL! TORIEL! Do you wanna...? ...Heh, she SAYS she's busy."

"BUT IF SHE KNEW WHO WE WERE TALKING TO..."

"we wouldn't get the phone back for at least a few hours."

"WE HAVE THE MERCY TO SPARE YOU FROM HER!"

"But call back any time, okay? She'd love to talk!"

"oh, whoops. this thing's almost outta batteries. so, hate to cut this short, but... be seeing you. okay, buddy?"

"BYE BYE FOR NOW!"

"See ya, punk!"

_*Click..._

Frisk lifted the phone to their forehead, pressing the metal hard against their skin as they continued to sob.

Everyone... Papyrus. Sans. Undyne. Alphys. Toriel.

_"I wish I could tell you how everyone feels about you..."_

_*Of course they love you, Frisk..._

_There. You see?,_ Chara asked softly, trying their best to comfort Frisk who remained sobbing on the bed. ... _You just can't accept it._ Chara stated, knowing that feeling all too well... They couldn't either. At least not about themself.

 _They all want The Barrier broken so badly._ Frisk cried _. They all want to come up here and I-!_

 _I know..._ , Frisk buried their face against the covers. _But you know that if they had to chose. Between you. Between The Barrier. They'd still chose you. They have. Each time they come to stop Dad from... Before Flowey comes and tries to take it all away. You know-_

_But if they knew!_

_Sans knows.,_ Chara countered. Frisk watched as their thumb flipped through their contacts and over Sans' number. _Sans knows, and even if we don't understand why, he still cares. He'll listen. Just ask..._

Frisk stared at their hovering finger, their heart still racing...

The last time they had been there... They had called for a very unhappy reason. They had wanted to call for help but hadn't, just like in their dream... And last time Chara had demanded, wanted to know the point of talking to him, and now here they were again but this time it was Chara telling them to do it.

 _Sans_...

_You ask him. And you keep asking. No matter how many times you need. But Frisk, you and I both know how it is going to turn out. It's going to be just the **same**. For each of them! The same..._

"I-"

Chara was flooding them with memory-

_"I thought that perhaps I would let you make your journey alone, but I could not stop worrying about you."_

_"Ngaahhhhh! Asgore! Human! Nobody fight each other! Everyone's gonna make friends, or else I'll...! I'll..."_

"But if they knew-" Frisk tried.

" _As terrible as Asgore is... He deserves Mercy, too."_

" _SEE? EVEN THE GREAT PAPYRUS MAKES MISTAKES. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A HORRIBLE PERSON BECAUSE OF IT."_

_"Somebody is waiting for you. Papyrus. Sans. Every monster you've met and made friends with. We all want you. And if the humans on the surface don't feel the same way then **FORGET** them! They can have all their cool surface things. If I had to chose between the surface and making friends with you again there is no DOUBT; nothing can compare to being friends with you."_

"Ch-Chara- stop-" They didn't stop. The memories kept bombarding them, and Frisk was crumbling. They covered their eyes with one hand as the other gripped the side of the phone tightly. "I'm just-"

 _"You're not! You're not!_ ", Frisk's own voice assaulted them and Frisk gasped loudly. " _You're not a Save! You're not a mistake! You're not a demon or a problem! You're not! You're Chara and you're my friend!"_

_"And even if a lot of bad things did happen, I will always be glad I met you! And that... and that... you became my family."_

_"I love you and you're my family."_

"Chara-"

_"heya. is anyone there...? well, i'll just leave a message."_

_"I just want to go home..."_

"Frisk..." Chara said, filling the Soul with a warmth that burned. But it felt... It felt so good. Like that of the Save Star. "Let's go home..."

Their eyes tried desperately to refocus on the phone in their hands, but they gave up, closing their eyes. But this time... Their breaths were starting to come easier. Chara's presence was forcing their body to calm, to pull themself together...

Chara was r-right. They'd be an idiot to not at least call. They wanted... At the very least... They wanted to know what he thought... about The Barrier. And m-maybe...

Quickly, Frisk pressed send and pressed the phone to their ear, their heart at high speeds-

"heyya, kiddo, how's the surface?" Sans' voice answered, casual and relaxed. And Frisk's heart lurched again. Something inside them, something, somehow... a tension released. "pap and undyne were aro-"

"Sans..." Frisk breathed.

"sup?" Sans asked. "you... you okay?" He asked a bit more uncertainly.

"I..." Frisk paused, and they realized... "I think so."

At least they could be.

Because they already knew how this conversation was going to go...

Because Chara _was_ right. They could ask. And keep asking. And somehow, they would always get the same answer. Over and over and over again. No matter how many times.

It would always be the same.

And for once... that was something amazing.

"Sans...?" He was there. Sans was there. Right there on the other end of the phone. The other side of The Barrier.

"yeah, kiddo?" They hesitated again.

"Would you... Could you really be happy? If... If t-the Resets stopped? And you were still in the Underground? If... If I had a way to keep Asgore from dying?" Frisk was frozen, holding their breath as they waited for him to respond.

"kid?" Sans said, sounding a bit surprised. They knew it was sudden. They knew they had avoided him this entire timeline. But they had... hadn't wanted to make him biased. They wanted his reaction to be as true as possible...

As if... a part of them had anticipated they would be calling again... But even then they knew it still would not matter.

"uh.. i mean... as long as we moved forward, i.. i guess? i mean it would be a step up from now, right? and no resets would be great in my opinion." Frisk's eyes were filling with new tears. "kid?"

"Would..." Frisk breathed, their fingers gripping the phone mercilessly as they forced themself to continue. "Would it be okay... If I was there?"

Frisk held their breath, frozen in their agonizing dread.

"is there something i should know about us, kid?"

"I... You told me not to tell you again until I was done Resetting." Frisk said, their arms shaking. "I... I'm sorry." Frisk whispered. They were sorry. They were so sorry. They just needed him.. They just needed him to... To...

 _I'm sorry too_ , Frisk, Chara whispered sadly.

"A-And... Chara says they're sorry too." Frisk managed, thankful for the short distraction as Sans didn't speak up-

"well you know what they say: forgive and forget." Sans said, jokingly, but those words-

_"just... don't abuse my trust again, okay? and i'll work on the forgive and forget."_

Frisk covered their mouth as a choked sob escaped the back of their throat. There was no stopping the tears now. Chara was strangly silent. Both glad Frisk had called but sad that it was so needed... And still... unable to understand how they had gotten here. How they had ever gotten anywhere from the last time they had sat here on this bed calling him... on the verge of destroying anything...

Perhaps... They would never understand... but they were still glad that it had ended up true.

"... hey, kid." Sans tried as Frisk kept choking down their tears. They breathed in deep, trying to gain control of themself, and let out a heavy breath. "but about that question." Frisk froze, the terror rippling through them as they stood on the edge of getting their answer. "yeah. it'd be more than okay. preferable actually."

"R-Really?" Frisk breathed in relief. But-

_"who knows how long it will take... but we will get out of here."_

"E-Even if... you knew I could have set everyone free?"

The silence that followed was almost enough to kill Frisk in itself and enact the Reset-

"i... i would trust that you'd have your reasons, kiddo." He said finally. The relief they felt forced a laugh out of them as they broke out into renewed cries. "if you think that's the right thing to do, then... who am i to judge?"

"I love you." Frisk blurted out through their tears. There was a tense pause.

 _"sure."_ He had always said.

"we love you too, kiddo." Chara hugged Frisk and Frisk managed not to fall apart. Instead... They sniffled and got off of the bed, standing tall in the middle of the room. The rain was still coming down hard but Frisk lifted their head high.

They were going to face their problems head on. They were going to hold on tight and most importantly...

Stay determined.

"One more time." They said. "We promise... I-If my plan works..."

The world began to spin past them, the ground was crumbling beneath their feet. They glance over to the bedroom door.

 _It was nice to meet you_ , Frisk admitted softly.

They were falling backwards, the smell of flowers surrounding them.

"hang in there, kiddo."

Frisk's heart lurched as they barely made out his voice in the distance.

"Thank you, Sans... for listening."

They were never sure if he had heard them that time, but they would have many more chances to tell him.

And this time...

He would remember.

And this time...

They could stay.

RESET

Frisk's eyes opened, the hole above them once looking like intense teeth to devour them, like they deserved, was not so ominous this time. They could see the light streaming through. Frisk's fingers gripped tightly into the flowers, the determination flowing through them. Even through the fear.

.

But the shadows in Judgment Hall were long and ominous as a tension stayed coiled deep within Sans' ribcage. Sans came to a stop, watching the kids walk ahead of him a ways not realizing he wasn't following still. Sans glanced around the orange-lit room, its pillars tall and the glass radiant as the sunlight shone through more than it had ever before with The Barrier gone to impede it.

This corridor had seen so much, even if most of it had technically never happened. All throughout the timelines, so many different outcomes, even if some where slightly similar on the surface... Some good, true smiles. Bad, with dust everywhere. A crying child that wanted to die, whom should have never had to face that to begin with. A child that never should have faced any of that alone. To have to get to this point with nothing but their own strength and determination and a weak excuse for support that forgot each time they had to dial back. To go through it all again. All the same. Except...

Even when everything was the same, even when it had all seemed to be a treadmill in the dark, there had been something different each time in each of them. There had been a destination ahead they could work for.

This same child ahead of him, slowing to look up at the pillars towering overhead. This same child who had stood here, this timeline even, so scared. This same child, children really, that looked so small even when their Soul and bravery was bigger than anything. And he had looked at the them, done his spiel feeling broken inside, not knowing... No way of knowing... Just who he was looking at.

Aloof, guilty, scared. That was all he had been able to see through his own sense of hurt and betrayal.

The kids finally seemed to notice he had stopped walking and came to a surprised halt.

"Sans...?" One of them called, and he was pretty sure it was Frisk. They still looked small and uncertain, holding onto their wrist like some sort of support as they waited for him to say something.

"heh." Sans tried to sound genuine. "we're on opposite sides." Frisk blinked, not fully understanding, they looked down though, and then their eyes swept across the wall. They stopped, getting what he meant... They were on opposites sides of the hall than usual. They looked up, and Chara grinned widely. "what? gonna judge me?" Sans joked.

Chara stood up tall, their hands on their hips, and suddenly... Sans found that tension in his chest tightening. Too tight. It was hard to breath. He found himself... afraid.

Not because he thought they would judge him poorly, but because he knew they should and... wouldn't. Not anymore.

"So..." Chara began. "We finally made it. The end of our story is at hand." They were trying to mimic his 'Judge' voice, he could tell right away. And they were doing an uncanny job. And from how many times they had stood there, they clearly had his speech memorized... They probably would of even without that memory of theirs. "In a few minutes... We'll leave here. And by the time we actually get home, Mom will have your skin for it."

Sans couldn't help but laugh helplessly at that. That only encouraged them.

"That's then. Now." Chara faltered, they hesitated longer than Sans would have expected. They lowered their head. "Once I judged you because I thought you should have done more. Once I hated you because I didn't understand the pain you were going through. Or why you do the things you do. And maybe at first you deserved that. Because... Frisk didn't. And you let them feel trapped. But... How can I blame you? You just didn't realize how much we needed you to care." Their fists were clenched tightly. "Sans the Skeleton... You made horrible mistakes along the way. But... I made even worse ones."

They lifted their head, smiling sadly for him, and he could see Frisk in the expression as well as their eyes flashed gold.

"We made even worse ones."

"But in the end... if you can forgive us, then we can forgive you. Because as it was, none of us should have come down this mountain. The hatred... should have won." Chara continued. "You should have never listened to Frisk. But you did. You could have chosen LOVE... but instead, you chose love."

"not on my own, kid." Sans said. "and not at first." He had killed them. Stabbed them in the back while sparing them. It had taken Frisk throwing themself at him with all their might for him to listen. They literally had to knock it into him.

"So? You still didn't have to." Chara stated. They lifted a hand and put it to their chest. "I always thought, if you were human, your Soul would be blue." They said. "But... now I think that's not true." They smiled, meeting his gaze.

"It's Red." Frisk agreed aloud.

Sans froze on the spot.

"i... i'm the very opposite of determined." He whispered. Their smile widened and they breathed out a laugh.

"That's not what Red means." Sans... didn't understand.

"then what is it?"

"We're not sure. But it's... a little bit of everything. And like nothing else at all at the same time. It's all about... choice. You can chose to give up. Or you can chose to stay determined. You can chose to hold onto something or you can chose to let it go and... move forward.

"You could have chosen to keep not caring and have killed Frisk regardless of how much they clung to you... but you didn't. You didn't want to hate... so you chose not to. Being determined... doesn't mean you can determine anything, but at the same time, it gives you the strength to at least work for it. It gives you the strength to chose... even when that choice is difficult. You fight to do what you think is the right thing."

The right thing...

Difficult choices...

If that was true... then...

"Frisk." Sans began, his voice as large as he could make it. "Chara." They were paralyzed in front of him, not having expected his formal 'official' voice. He knew he was scaring them, he knew, but he had to. He needed them to.. take this seriously. He had to let them understand.

"Sans...?" They said nervously back, their eyes bright gold. He could see the thoughts, the fears that perhaps they had said something wrong. But it was not them who had been wrong.

They had to know the truth, what was going on. At least as best as he kew it.

"kid..." Sans began, losing about half of his confidence from the face they were making, how scared they were of him. That he would say something that could crush them.

It was too much power.

But he had to discuss this. He had to make them understand something.

"kid, we have to talk."

"We are talking." Chara stated. Sans chuckled darkly.

"kid..."

Everyone had always made the decisions for them. They had always been terrified and wanting everyone else happy even if that didn't include themself but at the same needing, wanting it all so badly. He had to discuss this. Before it got too deep and hurt worse, he had to tell them. They were already concerned, he could see it, and leaving them uncertain, silently afraid, was worse than anything.

"kid..." He couldn't do it though. Because he didn't want to say it out loud either.

"You want to talk about Mom." Chara managed for both him and Frisk. "Her meetings."

God, when had they become so observant and smart?

"yeah..." Sans breathed.

There was a tense silence, they were just so scared. No matter how much they tried to hide it. No matter how much they tried to push past it.

"frisk... if it comes down to a fight... if it.. if it all goes wrong..."

If somehow... it all unraveled. It all became the same again. The treadmill-

"frisk, if in the end... if you need to reset..."

The look on their face was wide with surprise and horror. Sans cringed but as he went to speak again-

"No." Frisk whispered.

"frisk, i-"

"No." Frisk said more firmly. They stood up straighter, still obviously scared at the very thought of what he was saying, the reality of that threat, but at the same time- "No. I'm not going to Reset. I promised."

"no, kid listen- you deserve-"

 **"No."** The children said together. Sans froze again, staring at their face in horrified awe. He had seen them exchange control, going back and forth, one comforting each other as the other spoke, but this...

 _This_ was an all time low.

And Sans finally realized what their determination actually looked like. . Because he was staring at it. Their hardening golden eyes.

He had never seen it so pure, so unadulterated. This entire timeline it had been traced with fear, uncertainty, but right then, the fear was leaving. This was not that timid, shy thing he had seen through out all this timeline, but true, vibrant determination. Even in the face of their biggest fear.

Sans could see the kid who had stood at the edge of The Barrier in that first timeline. Determined. This kid who had wanted to come back and had made it so. This kid who... Who...

But just because you're determined didn't mean you could...

"kid... this is serious. this could happen, everything you feared- what did i say? what did i tell you?"

He meant about them deserving to stay, he meant about everything he had ever said about forgiving them-

"Are you really going to go for that?" Chara demanded. Sans' thoughts staggered.

"w-what?"

"We're not Resetting." They said together once more. Sans was shaking his head, everything too confusing, too much to handle. He was trying to make that difficult choice, to let it go, like they had said, but this...

"you deserve-"

" **You** deserve to stay." They said forcefully. Sans could do nothing but stare helplessly at them, the tension in his chest growing tighter and tighter. They smiled at him, seeming to understand what he was feeling as they breathed out a sad laugh. "You deserve to stay..."

"frisk... char.." Sans was cringing, putting his hands against his skull as he just... "I'm Serious!" He said, lowering his hands and looking up at them again.

"We know." Their smile widened but it was still kinda sad. "And that's all we really need."

"no. what you need to understand is that you deserve to stay and nobody is taking you. and if that means a reset-"

"No."

"Frisk! ch-chara... if you found a way around it, if you found a way to stay in the underground then... why? why won't you listen. it doesn't matter. the surface doesn't matter. i gave up coming here a long time ago, what about everything you just told me! about what everybody always tells you. about.. asking me?" Sans continued, and as he spoke he could feel the tears building up in the back of his eyesockets along with the tension in his ribcage, his magic making it hard to breathe. The kids closed their eyes, a slight grimace in their expression.

"You trust me, don't you?"

"yes! yes, i trust you, and you said you trusted me, so-"

"Then **listen**." They said, opening their eyes. "Please, Sans... listen." They begged. And he...

Sans tried to let himself relax, but even though he couldn't, he at least tried to stand up straighter. He nodded briefly. He owed them at least that, to hear them out. And listening seemed to be the one thing he had ever been good for to them. And besides, once he knew their argument, then... he could work it through. He could counter what they said and get them to understand.

"In Judgment Hall... Whenever we made it here!" They said, holding their hands out to the side to indicate their surroundings. "You always told us that, as long as we do what's in our hearts.. that we can do the right thing."

Sans... He felt something dropping inside him. It was cold and sitting where his stomach would be. Because... he realized he was not going to win. Not him... versus who knew how many other Sanses. Even himself, earlier this timeline. And he most certainly was not going to win against them. He should have never dared to bet he could do it.

"Chara never believed it. Frisk has had their doubts. But... for certain. This is it. This is what's in my heart." Their eyes were bright, amber gold, their smile sad... but genuine. "I wanted to do the right thing..." The sadness... was melting away in the warmth of their expression. "I wanted to give you all the sun."

..

.

So they did.


	41. But Affording To Do The Right Thing

...

...

..

Frisk wanted to tell him.

 _No_ , said Chara. Again.

But it wasn't fair that they should know and he shouldn't!

**"h u m an."**

Frisk's entire body shivered in an immediate, sharp excitement as they twisted around to face him before he said to.

They wanted to tell him.

"what? haven't you seen a guy with two jobs before?"

They wanted to tell him!

"ah, forget it. i'm rootin' for ya, kid."

They wanted to tell him!

 _I rather think we shouldn't,_ came Chara's answer each time. Chara remained firm and Frisk, reluctantly, complaisant as they knew Chara was right. They had to wait at least until they knew, really, for certain. They had to wait until at least they had tested it.

Except if Chara was honest with themself and with Frisk, they would have seen clearly that what it was they really didn't feel certain about to begin with.

They knew the Souls would listen.

They knew the Souls would come.

But they also knew...

Well...

A lof of pain could have been avoided if they had just given in to what they already knew in the deepest part of their heart. If they had just finished the thought.

But when had it ever been that easy for them?

Instead, Chara held firm once more as Frisk's heart lurched, wanting to tell Sans so badly that it was a physical pain in their chest. He stood across from them in Judgment Hall with his hands in his pockets, just like all the other times before. Frisk bit their lip.

"so as long as you hold on... so as long as you do what's in your heart..."

Sans was staring right through them, into their eyes, and Frisk wondered if even without telling him, if he could somehow see it anyways... That he knew.

They oh so hoped so.

"i believe you can do the right thing."

They rushed into the garden, their stomach sick and anxious.

Asgore was going to die. They had no room for error and Frisk doubted they had it emotionally within them to go through what they needed in order to prevent his dust from scattering. Instead they held tight to their determination. To their plan. The knowledge that it would not be long now...

Asgore's Soul cracked before their eyes and both Frisk and Chara held their breath as they watched it break completely. But this had to be the last time. It would be the last time!

Flowey cackled. The Souls were circling in around him. He shook his head as he smiled.

"Idiot," was all he said.

And then they were falling, the vines were encroaching, and they were struggling for their lives.

And for their future.

"Help!" They cried, both with their voice and with their Soul. Help!

They were surrounded by colour, the lights clouded over but there. Waiting. Expectant. Listening.

Orange. Yellow. Blue. Green. Purple. Cyan.

Bravery. Justice. Integrity. Kindness. Perseverance. Patience.

Each one listening. Each one willing to help them a thousand times more than they already had.

"Please..." Chara and Frisk said together, their heart laying their plan bare to the Souls. The Souls pulsed in unison and sent a wave of warmth and with it came a reassuring, although somehow even... sad, agreement.

Each Soul had climbed a mountain nobody was said to ever come down from.

Each Soul had somehow been hurt before falling.

Each Soul knew exactly why it was that Chara wanted what they wanted even without them explaining it.

And once the Souls had left Frisk and Chara, Chara knew... knew just like they had always known.

The Souls really would come.

Their plan to Save Asriel but to not break The Barrier... it would work. At least... until...

Flowey drooped pitifully at their feet, still chuckling despite the Souls having torn him to pieces once again.

"This still changes nothing." He told them. "You're an idiot if you think it would." They shook their head. Flowey scoffed. "Then you really are just as sick." They just shook their head again. Flowey slipped away into the darkness, frustrated just as usual.

LOAD

Frisk and Chara stood outside the garden and sighed heavily.

But they stood up tall once more, confidence filling them. Determination.

*Ring Ring...

They knew how this went. Get the letter, help Alphys, get back to Asgore and then... Asriel...

But still they-!

Frisk wanted...

And Chara could no longer offer up their excuses. They could no longer explain to Frisk or to themself their refusal. It was just a feeling, not even a clear thought.

 _Alright..._ , Chara conceded and they immediately felt a spark of excitement in Frisk's Soul as they smile widely.

Frisk stood with Undyne's letter between their fingers but hesitated.

"What is it, punk?" Undyne demanded, seeing the strange look on their face.

"HUMAN?" Papyrus jumped in from beside her.

"Papyrus, do you know where Sans is?" Frisk managed. Papyrus stopped short and then looked up towards the stone ceiling as if to think a moment.

"PROBABLY OFF AVOIDING WORK SOMEWHERE." Papyrus conceded, not knowing. "PERHAPS GRILLBY'S? HE LIKES TO SPEND AFTERNOONS-" They were already shaking their head. He wasn't at Grillby's. He wasn't in his room. They could never find him, ever, after he had judged them every other time. Except the time they had met him at his hot dog stand, getting his box of jokes. They guessed they could Load a lot and then meet him there, but that felt... manipulative. And the exact opposite of what they wanted to do.

But where could he be?

"You could call him." Undyne offered. Frisk jolted in surprise. "Not that you can be sure he'll pick up, especially if he's asleep." She finished with a note of bitterness. Even if she had become friends with Frisk she still seemed upset at his slacking off when they had run passed him and had escaped into Hotlands. Frisk smiled weakly.

The others watched as they dialed his number, not even having to ask for it. They knew it by heart at this point.

But all they achieved was hearing a shrill ringing from inside the house beside them. Papyrus went in and brought out the phone that he had claimed had been slacking off just like its owner, hiding within the couch cushions.

 _I guess we'll just have to wait_ , said Chara feeling somehow thankful. Frisk was about to give in when Undyne and Papyrus jumped in again.

"Hey! If you really need to find him! How about we go look while you take my letter to Alphys? If we find him we'll drag his boney butt to you!"

"YES! I AM THE VERY BEST IN FINDING SANS IN ALL OF HIS HIDING PLACES! I SHALL FIND HIM IN NO TIME!"

"I... No, that's fine." Frisk said. "I'll catch him... letter." They lifted the letter in their hands. Undyne laughed loudly as Papyrus cried out as if in pain. Frisk laughed too but they still felt hurt that Sans had not had his phone to pick up their call.

And something about that simple pang in their heart made Chara think of other phone calls that were never answered and with it, a door...

Frisk had begun to make their way for the River Person when Chara stopped them short.

_Wait... I think I know where he could be._

They made their way out of Snowdin and out into the forest. They passed the Ball Game, MK and his friends nowhere in sight. It was still way too early for that.

But they kept walking, through the snow, not knowing if their effort would pay off or they would walk away empty handed. But somehow Chara knew this was where he would be. Just like they had immediately known Asriel would make his way to their grave, all those timelines before.

They kept going. Past Sans' sentry station, through the bars Papyrus had made too wide to stop anybody, past the broken branch in the path, and to the large, dominating doorway that was still sealed shut from the inside.

And there he was, leaning up against it, just like Chara had known he would be. Because he would have been thinking about them. He would have been thinking about his promise. And sometimes your feet wandered, following your unconscious mind and brought you to places where you hadn't realized you were going to from the very beginning.

Sans seemed to have dozed off, his head was lowered against his chest.

He looked so... exhausted. So small and hunched over himself and exhausted.

The excitement Frisk had felt seeped out of them as they continued to approach. It seemed that with each step their excitement was transformed into an oppressive anxiousness. Hesitantly, perhaps even awkwardly, Frisk crouched down beside Sans in the snow. At the sound, Sans lifted his head, half startling out of his nap, but at the same time too exhausted to really jump.

"oh, hey. expected you to be long gone by now." They stopped just short of actually sitting down, hesitating again.

They had wanted to tell him, so badly, the entire timeline, but now...

There was too much. They did not know where to start. They looked down at their knees that they gripped tightly with their fingers.

"uuuh..."

They wanted him to know that they understood treadmills in the dark. They wanted him to know he wasn't alone. They wanted him to know... that this was...

"i'm not going to lie and say you're not starting to scare me, kiddo." He said honestly as they stayed extremely silent and not looking at him. "...kid?" He leaned forward, and Frisk found that... they couldn't speak. The tears were building up in their eyes and their throat was clamped shut. They looked up helplessly. "oh hey-!" Sans started. He lifted a hand but then hesitated. Instead he curled his fingers together and cringed. "whatsdamatter, kiddo?"

They couldn't...

After a moment Sans scooted over, away from them and motioned with his head for them to sit down more comfortably beside him.

"i was just takin' a break, how about you join me?" He offered, having nothing else.

He had no clue. None. He had no frame of reference to anything they wanted to tell him, ask him. Reluctantly, because they could do nothing else, they settled in beside him and pulled their knees up to their chest as they tried to even out their breathing. He managed to put a hand on their back and rubbed, the up and down sensation felt nice and helped immensely.

"how 'bout we just... i don't know... take it easy for now? a breather." They glanced over towards him, seeing his strained encouraging smile as he searched their expression.

Frisk realized why they weren't as excited as they had been. If they told him... and he didn't believe... If he thought...

An idea slipped between them and their fear and Frisk took a deeper, more even breath. They sat up straighter but looked away from Sans. They gripped at their knees again.

"Knock knock." They managed weakly. Sans hummed a bit with amusement. They knew he agreed with what he assumed was their way of cutting the tension and making things easier. But it was more than that, a deeper meaning.

Like treadmills in the dark...

"who's there?" Sans asked.

"Banana."

"banana who?"

"Knock knock." Frisk's voice broke.

They could hear Sans' soft breathy chuckle to himself and they knew he had heard it before. It didn't surprise Frisk. But Chara actually seemed uncertain beside them, as if they perhaps hadn't. Or maybe they simply did not understand.

"who's there?" Sans asked, playing along as Frisk went through it three times totally, until-

"Orange." They said. Breaking the pattern.

"orange who?"

 _"Orange you glad I didn't say banana."_ was the line. Was how the joke was supposed to end. But instead, instead of just stopping. Frisk had... Their fingers tightened around their knees, their nails digging, looking for skin.

"Knock knock." Frisk whispered. Sans jolted in surprise but he tried his best to not look like he had.

"who's there?"

"Orange."

He tried his best to act casual... Just like he must have when Frisk had Reset the first time. The relief of the first timeline, the first time he had felt saved from whatever torment Flowey had put him through, all of that had fallen through when Frisk had Reset. When Frisk had taken his newly found hope... and had thrown it all away.

"orange who?"

"Knock knock."

Sans hesitated, clearly wanting to ask, but at the same time Frisk could feel Chara's blooming understanding and sadness as they continued just one more time. Just one last...

"who's there?"

"Orange."

"... orange who?"

"..."

Frisk stayed completely silent... staring at their hands and knees. The silence stretched on. And on. Finally they looked up and turned their head towards him. Sans was trying not to look scared by them but he was failing miserably. He seemed to be holding his breath too now that they were looking at him.

"you.. you got a punch line for me, kiddo?" Sans dared to ask.

"Why are you waiting for a punch line?" Frisk asked. Sans blinked.

 _There wasn't any joke._ Chara whispered in realization as Frisk looked back down again, escaping Sans' gaze as Chara remembered that once they had accused Sans of thinking it all a joke, a game, and Frisk had said... _He thinks it's all a game for us..._

But it was never a joke. It had only seemed that way. But no, never had either of them been playing with things needlessly. There had always been some goal.

"...what?" Sans said finally, not understanding.

"That's it. It's done. There's no joke." They whispered, putting their forehead against their knees. "Just me being a stupid doodoo butt."

There was another wave of silence as Sans obviously worked through a multitude of feelings and tried to understand what they were getting at. Or getting part of it but not understanding fully, or perhaps not daring to. He couldn't afford to hope that-

"i... when i woke up this timeline... something was different." Sans noted finally. Frisk managed to lift their head again and peeked at him through their bangs.

"I told you.. if I could manage to not break The Barrier... That's it. It's done."

"not... break the barrier." Sans repeated, testing those words out. He sat back more heavily against the door, staring out across the snow, thinking.

"The Resets are done." Frisk said more urgently. "They're going to be done, if I...!" Their voice broke and their breath shuttered with the fear in their heart.

_"so as long as you hold on..."_

_"so as long as you do what's in your heart..."_

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

But..

_"is what you have to do... really worth it?"_

"...Sans?"

He met their gaze, not as reluctantly as they could have suspected.

"If I... I I can do this, and not break The Barrier. If I can stop the Resets and stay here with everyone. That's- That's enough. Leaving isn't worth it." They explained. They willed him and themself to understand and believe. Even if they did not realize the fact that they were also pleading with themself at the time. "It's enough to be here with everyone! It has to be! I'll make it be-!" He lifted a hand to their cheek as they began to hyperventilate, the fear had begun to consume them like usual. They flinched at his touch but it was gentle and they relaxed into it. "If I get it right, it's done..."

"kid-"

"Is that okay?" They pleaded. "Can I stay?"

Ask him, they had been told. Ask him a million times. As long as they needed to ask, ask him.

"Sans can I stay? Even if I don't...?"

"sshhhh." Frisk managed an even breath and tried desperately to calm down. "what's your name, kid?" Frisk's heart jumped in shock and so did Chara beside them.

"What?" He smiled widely for them.

"what do you mean what? what's your name is what?" He poked. They blinked but then they found themself burrying their face against his jacket, sobbing. They wouldn't have been able to explain it to him without going into so much detail, but...

"aw, jeez." Sans faltered. Frisk laughed against him through their tears, a weight having fallen off of them even if he hadn't answered their question yet, at least not in so many words.

Nobody but Toriel and Asriel... had ever asked them their name before. Especially not Sans... who could never seem to care enough... because it would just Reset.

But everything was different. Everything was new. Everything past this, would always be new. It would always have meaning.

"I promise." They breathed.

"i promise, huh? that's an interesting name." They laughed again, squeezing him tightly.

"I'm Frisk." They managed finally. He paused a moment and they tried their best to calm down. They tried so hard. But Sans was just doing his best to make it difficult.

"well, frisk... of course you can stay. i don't think anybody would have it any other way at this point." Frisk's chest heaved as the words struck like new. "but man, you're sure full of surprises, aren't you?" They pulled away from him, trying to wipe at their eyes and nose. "i'm.. excited to see what else you've got up your sleeve."

"Snot." They said tearfully. Sans laughed.

"snot surprising considering how much you've cried. look. ya got some on my coat. wait, no, that's ketchup. eh. i'm just a-" They lunged forward and hugged him again, so tightly. "ooph. uh- heh. okay..." He said, trailing off into silence. They rested under the weight of his right arm and his left one looped around to complete the hug.

He truly believed them. What they said. About it being done. Maybe he wouldn't be able to stop waiting for something to happen right away but... They could finally work towards it. Towards making that smile real again.

"I love you." He squeezed them.

"i know, kiddo- frisk. i know... we love you too. we're rootin' for ya. as long as that's what's in your heart, then... that's all we need."

But oh how foolish they were to think it could truly end like that. Just clean and simple. It's done. No more.

They'd been such an idiot, allowing the lie to go on for that long.

They truly were an idiot.

Chara... was an idiot.

"I cannot believe you're all so STUPID!" Flowey taunted, holding everyone they held dear in a tangle of vines, and he himself lost. "ALL YOUR SOULS ARE MINE!"

Everything was loud and too bright as Frisk closed their eyes tightly. They were scared of what was to come. Chara was scared. But still... they stayed determined.

"Howdy! Chara, are you there? It's me, your best friend."

The world was ending...

"You know... I don't care about destroying this world anymore. After I defeat you and gain total control over the timeline... I just want to reset everything. All your progress... Everyone's memories. I'll bring them all back to zero! Then we can do everything ALL over again."

Frisk and Chara refused the Soul together.

"And you know what the best part of all this is? You'll DO it."

And the worse part was, he was right.

They had done it.

All of it.

Again.

"And again. And again!"

Over and over and over.

Because they...

"Because you want a 'happy ending'."

They had wanted to give them all the-

"Because you 'love your friends'."

Because they had loved him beyond madness.

"Because you 'never give up'."

Because they couldn't afford to.

"Isn't that delicious? Your 'determination'. The power that let you get this far... It's gonna be your downfall!"

It had almost been their downfall.

"Now, ENOUGH messing around! It's time to purge this timeline once and for all!"

It was time to finally end this once and for all.

Even with their ability, they could not change the past, not really. Even with all of their determination they could not determine everything. But at the very least... They could accept the things that they could do. And let go of the things that they couldn't.

And one of those things was...

Asriel. The Barrier.

Everything was trying to suck them in, everything was trying to pull them apart. But Frisk and Chara stayed together, strong. Determined.

"...even after that attack, you're still standing in my way...? Wow.. you really ARE something special. But don't get cocky. Up until now, I've only been using a fraction of my REAL power! Let's see what good your DETERMINATION is against THIS!"

The Angel of prophecy...

The one who had seen the surface that would return to set everyone free.

A part of Chara's heart was breaking, thinking that... they were taking this from him.

But they could not think of that. Instead-

_*Maybe, with what little power you have... You can SAVE something else_

"Mom!" Chara cried brokenly.

"Asgore!" Frisk cried next.

_*The Lost Souls appear._

"Huh? What are you doing...?" Asriel demanded.

SAVE.

SAVE.

SAVE. SAVE. SAVE.

SAVE.

...

..

Honestly and lies were simple tricks of memory. But even memory was tricky. Because you can remember something so vividly, every single detail. But its coloured. You remember it. But what do you want to remember? What do you need to remember it being like? What tricks of the mind do you need to play on yourself to motivate you to reach the end you seek?

What did you need to tell yourself in order to convince yourself that Asriel could do this? Could kill or at the very least stand by while you took control and freed them?

What did you need to tell yourself in order to believe Frisk would want to Erase everything along with them in order to strike back at those who had hurt them? What did you need to tell yourself and then Frisk to convince them and yourself that they would be alright if The Barrier remained-

_*You feel your friends' Souls resonating within Asriel..._

Still there was one last person that needed to be Saved.

But if they were honest...

It was not Asriel.

They just could not be honest. Not yet. Not quite.

"Wh... What did you do...? What's this feeling...? What's happening to me?"

Their Soul cried out, their hands were reaching.

Asriel...

"No. NO! I DON'T NEED ANYONE!"

The attacks were intense, but Frisk and Chara held on, desperate to fix this. To fix their mistake, this mistake...

Even for the shortest time.

"STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM ME! Do you hear me?! I'll tear you apart!"

They wouldn't give up!

"Chara... Do you know why I'm doing this...?"

Yes.

"I'm doing this because you're special, Chara..."

He had been their most important thing. Their first important thing.

"No... That's not JUST it. I... I... I'm doing this because I care about you, Chara."

The first person they had ever truly loved and had believed had loved them back.

"I care about you more than anybody else!"

The fire was falling around them like the tears streaming down their face.

"I'm not ready for this to end. I'm not ready for you to leave. I'm not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again..."

But they must. They could not keeping going on like this.

But even as they let this go, the idea of fixing him permanently, that did not mean they would let _him_ go.

"Asriel..." They said softly.

"So, please..." His voice was everywhere, shaking as he burst into tears. "STOP doing this AND JUST LET ME WIN!"

Together, Frisk and Chara held tightly to the Soul, keeping it fused as their HP dropped beyond reason.

1/20 HP

00.10/20

00.0001/20

00.0000000001/20

"Chara..."

"Asriel..." They whispered.

"I'm so alone, Chara..."

_*I'm so sorry... I'm so, so sorry..._

"I know." They told him brokenly. "I know..."

"I'm so afraid, Chara... Chara, I... I..."

Everything was fading, until finally, they heard his sobs echoing around them.

"I'm so sorry."

They were so sorry...

Because they were about to hurt him again.

They were about to steal from him, his only redemption.

"I can't keep these souls inside of me." He told them with a sad, water smile. "The least I can do is return them. But first..." His smile brightened. "There's something I have to do."

They were so...

"Right now, I can feel everyone's hearts beating as one. They're all burning with the same desire. With everyone's power... With everyone's determination... It's time for monsters... to finally go free."

Chara has smiled for Toriel, their blisters worsening by the moment.

 _You're going to be free_ , they had thought.

 _"We're going to be free."_ Frisk has said aloud, standing in front of The Barrier, right before Resetting for the first time.

Asriel was rising up into the air, the power rippling past them in waves.

They had wanted-!

But this is what they needed to do.

"I'm sorry..." They whispered. They lifted out a hand the tears in their eyes even as they hardened with determination. "NOW!" They shouted with all of their strength, their Soul... calling for help.

Asriel gasped, his eyes opening wide as the Human Souls pulled from the inside, rebelling and refusing to give power. Asriel yelped in fright as the other white Souls shuttered, uncertain of what was happening. Chara and Frisk could feel the fear echoing through each of them, not understanding. Not understanding!

They were so sorry. So, so sorry!

The Souls pulled away, tearing free and their light streaked across the darkness before twinkling out of sight. The Monster Souls were set free as Asriel lost control of them and they too, streaked away, back to where they belonged.

Asriel fell backwards in front of them, breathing in sharply each time. His frantic eyes looked up at them and he struggled to make sense of what had just happened. They could see the wide betrayal in his expression.

"How? What? What did you-?! What did you do?! The Barrier! I had the power! Wh-What did you-?! WHY?!"

"Asriel," Chara tried, stepping forward.

"No! Stay away from me!" He began to edge backwards on the ground. "You-!" There was a flash in his eyes, a realization it seemed. "He was right about you, I- Flowey was right! I thought-!"

"Asriel!" Chara called but Asriel was already getting up and running into the darkness, to escape from them. "Asriel!"

They wanted to chase after him but knew that it was no use. They were not really there. This was the back of Frisk's mind. Soon they would be waking up.

Waking...

 _This... This was all just a bad dream...,_ Chara had once thought. That first time The Barrier had been broken and they had started to fall, realizing that Asriel was not Saved for real. _Please! Frisk! Don't let this be the_ _end! That **can't** be the end!_

But now that had to be the end. This was their plan. What was best.

The right thing.

Even if their brother hated them forever...

They could stand to be hated.

As long as overall... everyone was safe.

They could stand it.

They would have to stand it.

This was the right thing.

They could not break The Barrier even as it broke their heart.

Toriel's crying voice was urgent in their half waking mind...

"Frisk.. Please... wake up!"

_"Chara... Can you hear me? We want you to wake up..."_

Frisk's eyes opened slowly, their head felt groggy. They were helped into a sitting position before Toriel was hugging them desperately.

"Oh thank heavens!" She cried. "Oh Frisk, oh my child!"

"Mom..." Chara murmured. Toriel gasped but then seemed to hold Frisk even more tightly.

"Yes, I'm here. I'm right here." The tears were welling in Frisk's eyes. They clung to her forcefully, a mixture of emotions drowning them, some of them not their own. Chara was in pain but firm. Determined in this decision. And Frisk felt... the pain, but also... the relief.

They'd done it.

The Barrier remained in place, pulsing its black and white energy. Their breath shuttered but they closed their eyes as they rested their head against Toriel.

"W-We were s-so worried!" Alphys stated. "It felt like you would never wake up!"

'Yeah! Any longer and I would have started to freak out!" Undyne joined in. "Tell us next time you decide to take a nap!"

"yeah. you made papyrus cry like a baby."

"WHAT! I DIDN'T CRY! I DON'T CRY! I JUST... CAUGHT SOMETHING IN MY EYE!"

"what did you catch?"

"TEARS!"

Frisk laughed brokenly and they opened their eyes to show the tears in their own eyes.

"It's okay, Papyrus." They said weakly. "It's good to cry... That means..."

You care.

Toriel put a hand on top of their head and they rested back down against her.

"Now, now. The important thing is that Frisk is all right." Asgore interceded.

It was the same... All the same... Even as The Barrier hovered over them. Everyone was looking at them, relieved to see them in one piece. Even if they looked a bit more worried than usual. Whatever they had done to Asriel, seemed to have negatively affected everyone's feelings as well.

They did not remember exactly what happened.

There was flower. And then everything went white.

But now it was all right. Everyone was safe.

Even as The Barrier remained, the monsters did not seem to notice the difference. After all... They did not know what Frisk did: That it should be gone. All except...

They caught Sans' gaze, who was staring at them with such an intensity. They smiled meekly and nodded their head. They could see the relief set in, the weight slip off of him.

Yes, it was done.

The Resets were done.

They were staying here.

Together.

With everyone.

Except...

There was still somewhere they had to go, before they could agree to stay with Toriel like they so wanted to. There was somewhere else they had to be. Something... Something that could not wait!

They rushed through to the River Person, rushed through Snowdin, not stopping to talk to anyone, their mind on one thing as they charged through the open door to the Ruins. All the way back. All the way to the beginning. Scared but desperately needing at the same time.

Asriel, Asriel, Asriel, their mind raced. Everything else they could deal with later, but Asriel. Once again their only thing. _Asriel._

Chara's brother, Frisk's one-time friend.

The one who, like Sans, could understand. But he, they remembered, had never understood everything. He had never understood giving up the surface. Flowey had told them, in that timeline that they cared to never remember but had to. Flowey had told them that he thought he could just enjoy the surface, as long as he was with them.

He had simply not understood.

And they raced to explain. He could still hate them. But at the very least... they needed him to understand. He just had to _understand_.

He...

Frisk came to a stop at the edge of the cavern. The smell of flowers turned their stomach for a moment but a deep sadness muted the sensation as their eyes landed upon Asriel. He was facing away from them, his head dropped as he knelt among the golden petals, knowing full well he would soon turn back.

_"Don't worry about me. Someone has to take care of these flowers."_

Frisk's face was shadowed as they stood silent, watching...

He seemed to feel them and he lifted his head and turned around. He froze upon seeing them. Frisk pressed their lips together forcefully, biting the inside of their cheek as they felt Chara's intense pain, and on top of it their own in.

"Oh.." Asriel said finally, and he did not sound angry like he should have been. "H-Howdy." He continued weakly. The tension in Frisk's stomach released in surprise and their shoulders lowered a bit as they questioned his new attitude. He didn't turn away from them but he did look down. "You're here to explain, aren't you?"

"I.." They simply nodded to finish. Yes... Asriel glanced over towards the bed of flowers.

"I think I already know why." He told them.

Frisk started to walk towards him slowly. They circled around and knelt down beside the flowers so that they could see his face even as he remained angled away from them.

"I've been working through it all." Asriel began again. "When I first came here, I was thinking... Why? Why would they do that? How? But... everybody knows the legend right? Travelers who climb Mt. Ebott are said to disappear." He glanced over towards them, meeting their gaze briefly before staring back down at the flowers. "Is why you climbed the mountain... the same reason you...? Well... You don't have to tell me your reasons. You see, I know why Chara climbed the mountain. It wasn't for a happy reason... Frisk, I'll be honest with you. Chara hated humanity. Why they did, they never talked about it. But they felt very strongly about that."

Humanity was destructive. They took everything from you.

Chara felt heavy against Frisk's Soul.

Chara could have said it out loud, but somehow, just like Frisk, they were struck silent and resigned to listen. But Asriel was silent for a minute or two, seeming to think.

"Frisk, I think, if you hadn't stopped me, I think I would have wondered why I ever thought you and Chara were the same person. I mean... You really ARE different from Chara." He told them and Frisk bit down hard as Chara tensed. "You see... Maybe... The truth is... Chara wasn't really the greatest person." The pang of hurt echoed through Frisk from Chara. "But they weren't the worst, either."

They paused in a new wave of surprise.

"You see... They were suspicious all the time. They were rough and harsh with words a lot. They always seemed like they wanted to Fight. But the truth is, they were just scared. I never really realized that fully, I don't think. I think I _knew_ , but I thought... If they were strong enough not to show it, then I had to be too. That's why I went along with their plan. They were scared but still wanted to Fight, so I agreed. But now that I think about it, I think I had it all wrong. They were scared... so they thought they had to Fight." He paused. "They didn't see any other way. If we wanted the surface, we would have had to wage war against all of humanity. To them... it was kill or be killed. And then I died and I adopted that for myself. I told myself they were right. And I think if we had broken The Barrier that I would have... not seen that." He met their gaze again.

A tear that wasn't Frisk's was trailing down their cheek.

"My point was... Frisk... You're different. But at the same time, the two of you are in a lot of ways the same." He smiled awkwardly. "You're scared, too. It's just that each time you find some third way to get around it."

"No." Frisk whispered quickly, not thinking.

"Well, maybe not always." Asriel conceded. "We've been here before, haven't we?" The guilt was plain on their face and their shoulders hiked protectively around their neck. "I can't remember, but... you always seemed to know more than you should. Even from the first timeline that I can remember. And you knew that I would try to break The Barrier."

"Yes..."

He was eyeing them again, there was an almost pitying expression there. Maybe not pity. Perhaps it was just understanding and regret.

"I know that the surface isn't as nice as everyone down here thinks it is. That there are a lot of Floweys up there, too. But..." He was gazing out across the flowers, and they knew he was thinking about Chara. "Just because humanity isn't the greatest, that doesn't mean it's the worst, either, right?"

Chara felt something hot and light blooming in their 'chest', something expanding as they sat up straighter and their mind's eyes widened.

They could remember distinctly, a time when Frisk had thought the exact same thing. And Chara had reasoned..

_*You... forgive too easily..._

But Chara was too quick to bite back.

Chara was...

"I'm just saying that... well... As Flowey I regretted my decision to not kill those humans, but now I know for certain it was the right thing to do. Even if it wasn't a perfect decision since I shouldn't have let them hurt themself in the first place-"

"Asriel.." Chara breathed in pain.

"But you can't regret hard choices your whole life, right?" Asriel asked, looking up at the hole on the ceiling of the cave, with it's teeth-like stalactites. "And that's where I'm going with that. Is this decision... to not break The Barrier? Is that really something you won't regret later?

"Technically you could just change your mind and Reset, but somehow... I don't think you're planning to. I think you mean this to be it. You wouldn't have gone through all that work to find a way to get this specific ending if you were just going to throw it away again. But I don't want you to regret it."

He smiled weakly again for them.

"I know you're scared. But I think, wouldn't it be better to break The Barrier and see what actually happens? Then to stay down here and possibly tear yourself up wondering about the 'what if'?"

Frisk's mouth opened in surprise, but then closed as the determination filled them.

"I have to." Frisk said. "This is what I have to do-"

"But is it?" Asriel asked. He had one of the flowers between his fingers and he was rubbing the petals.

Chara, they knew he was thinking about, Chara _, Chara..._

Asriel sighed.

"If you decide to keep it like this, I won't blame you. As long as that's what you really think is right."

Frisk nodded, but why were they starting to.. to cry again?

This was the right thing. It was.

It had to be the right thing.

This is what Frisk wanted-

 _No..._ Frisk sat up straight in place at Chara's broken tone. _You can say this is the right thing, maybe it is... in some way. But don't you ever say that this is what you wanted. This was never what you wanted. Not even from that first timeline was this what you wanted._

Frisk's heart fluttered in fear, _Ch-Chara?_

"Frisk?" Asriel asked in concern as their tears continued and they stared ahead.

That first time Frisk had stood before The Barrier... They hadn't been _quite_ alone.

And Chara had stayed in the back of their mind, watching, an intense hurt in their heart at all that had happened, but also surprised. Going back was pointless. Asgore and Flowey would not relent. Frisk couldn't stay.

 _Fine,_ Frisk had thought. They didn't want to stay...

_"We're going to be free."_

The hope. The determination. The willpower of belief that had flooded Frisk standing there as they had reached for the Save.

Was it really possible. Could it really be that simple as to just believe it?

 _Don't give up, Frisk_ , Chara had once said to them as Flowey tried to rip them apart, but this was different. This was-!

But Frisk wanted to go back.

Chara had wanted...

And for that brief, radiant moment standing in front of The Barrier for the first time, both of them had unlocked something intense within them.

A string of fate had been pulled and they could feel it in their chest as they both reached out, wanting...

_"so as long as you hold on..."_

_"so as long as you do what's in your heart..."_

_"i believe you can do the right thing."_

This wasn't what was in their heart, and Chara had known it. Just like they had known Asriel would not be able to kill. Just like they had known that if they had destroyed the world like they had wanted, Frisk would have always wanted to come back. If they did not break The Barrier... Frisk would regret it.

Even now, after so much pain, this was not what was in Frisk's heart.

Nor was it in Chara's either.

"Frisk are you okay?" Asriel asked, leaning towards them and putting his hands on their shoulders, trying to get them to focus their eyes on him.

"I want..." Frisk breathed, the tears streaming down their face. "I want them all to be safe and happy. I don't want them to get hurt, I've hurt them too much already- I want... I w-want..."

But to keep them safe but trapped, to make all their decisions for them. Chara had done that, had thought that if they could not have the surface then no one could. That was what had lead them to despair. And they had dragged Frisk along with them, instilling in them Chara's own fear of humanity.

 _But Frisk... What is it that you want?,_ Not what Chara thought they needed.

"I... I want... want them to see the sun again." Frisk finally cried, breaking. "I want them to see the stars! Real rain! I want...!"

Somehow, Asriel was hugging them in comfort and Frisk sobbed against his shoulder as Chara held both of them tight.

Coming back, they had promised to bring the Monsters up to the surface.

When Resetting their mistake, they had promised to give something back.

They had wanted... To try.

Perhaps being determined meant nothing in determining the actual outcome, but it gave you always the strength to at least try.

They could have lived here with everyone, lying to themself for forever, but the truth was...

They wanted to try.

They didn't want to give up!

They wanted to try!

They wanted-!

 _Then let's do it_ , Chara said. _All three of us. Together_. Chara sound like they had been crying too but Frisk could feel their smile. _Let's free our family. No matter what the consequences._

"I want..." Frisk breathed. Asriel hugged them tighter and they hugged him back.

They were reaching, searching for that Save file, the intense desire was filling them, hot and painful just like it had been the first time they had stood before The Barrier, wanting to go back.

They wanted to try. They wanted to go back.

They wanted to give them all the sun.

So they would...

Time began slipping around them like a gentle breeze and Asriel squeezed them for a moment.

"Just be happy, okay, Frisk?" They nodded sharply and Chara swore they'd make sure of it. "See you around..."

They were falling back, no longer able to feel him but instead continued to hold on to each other.

RE-

But suddenly, an intense ripple of terror came from Frisk and shuttered through Chara.

 _Sans_!, They screamed, trying to stop the string from snapping fully. Trying to pull it all back into place the other way around. But they couldn't.

-SET

Their body slammed into the bed of flowers-

Frisk gasped, staring up at the mouth-like hole above them, feeling the despair encroaching like the darkness around them.

"Sans..." They breathed, the tears already building up in the back of their eyes.

What had they done? How could they have done that? Not even a second thought?!

 _He'll forgive you!,_ Chara said urgently, but Frisk could feel their own panic, their own realization of the mistake made.

Sans...!

...

...

But he would forgive them..

..

He had forgiven them...

.

He'd _forgiven_ them!

And if they needed to do it again they could! They just-!

"frisk..." Sans said brokenly again, they just had to understand! "chara..."

But they did understand. He could see it in their strained smile.

"You think we need to Reset if things go bad, but is that really what you want Sans?"

"i..." He tripped up. They had asked him to listen and he had, and now that question... He knew where they were trying to lead him.

 _"Are you really going to go for that?",_ Chara had asked him when he had told them they could Reset the first time.

If they hadn't broken The Barrier, if they had not Reset that last time... He would have survived it. He would have been happy, even. He would have trusted them and been glad it was over and done with. But that... was quitter talk. Here they were, strong enough to give everyone the chance to be happy on the surface even though they had been terrified. They had both been scared and yet... They had kept going. And here was Sans, scared for what might happen, and asking him to do the same. To try.

He knew what Chara was asking of him, he realized. The same thing Toriel had standing on the front porch... Even if it hadn't been in so many words.

_"Are you really going to go for that?"_

No...

 _"you deserve to stay..."_ He had told them...

" _ **You** deserve to stay."_ They had told him.

They deserved to stay, together on the surface... That was what Sans wanted. For there to never be another Reset and for them to stay...

The idea of Resetting... That was because he was simply... scared. Scared of the one thing that was more dangerous to their happiness than a Reset.

He could see the glimmer in Chara's eye as they saw the realization set in him. That they could see the meaning of his shoulders falling and his taller stance.

It felt... strange. He breathed in funny but it remained firm in his ribcage.

The determination...

"okay..." He breathed. Frisk smiled but briefly there was a keen edge to Chara's watching eyes, almost smug.

They had wanted to give him the sun, and they had.

He had wanted to make them feel at home, that they could stay...

And he would.

He, Toriel, and everyone...

 _"Over my scattered dust,"_ Toriel had said.

But Sans swore it wouldn't even get to that.

They had promised to never Reset.

He now promised to make sure they didn't have to.

The Resets were done.

They had done everything in their power to get it to that point, and he would do everything in his to let them keep it.

He crossed over Judgement Hall and tiredly put a hand atop their head.

"god, what am i going to do with you two?" He whispered. They put their own hands on top of his, trapping it there on top of their head for a moment. "you're driving me _bananas_." They laughed softly.

"True. But orange you glad we did it all anyways?"

He breathed out a chuckle and ruffled their hair as best he could with his trapped hand.

"yeah, kiddo. i am. berry glad."

And he was.

Berry, berry glad.

...

..


	42. Affording To Have Places To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If home is where the heart is  
> then my home is where you are  
> But it's getting oh so hard  
> to spend these days without my heart

But they had been scared after Resetting, scared of _him_.

Of if they were still _allowed_ to stay.

They had really, really thought he would have sent them away. At least a part of them had. They had still, genuinely, had doubted it. They still sometimes doubted it. It made Sans cringe.

The three of them were waving with big smiles towards the guard stationed at the mouth of the Underground; exactly where the Barrier had once been. Neither of them said anything as the guard scrambled with his papers, trying to find where and when they had signed in and they were already walking away.

"somebody should probably do somethin' about that hole." Sans noted. Frisk or Chara shrugged.

The sun was gone on the horizon but the sky was still a deep purple and blue with a streak of red against the clouds. They stood in silence next to each other, content not to move on just yet as Sans kept one hand in his pocket and the other holding theirs...

Sans squeezed for a moment, his mind reminding him of the last time they had stood there in this very spot, together. Together with everyone... with almost everyone.

And Sans hadn't been able to accept it.

The kid... hadn't been able to accept it.

Still scared. Still uncertain. And when Toriel had asked, they could have just let go of everything and ran.

It made Sans shutter and the kid turned to look up at him in concern. Sans laughed a bit, the magic tense in his ribcage. He didn't want to think about the 'what if' there. But at the same time... That constant, hesitant look in their gaze. Even after everything. Perhaps this one was best to be out in the open. Because they had to understand...

"frisk, you realize what would have happened if you had left, right?"

If they hadn't asked him if they could stay. If they had just... taken that doubt and ran with it. If they had made his decision for him. If they had decided themself that they didn't deserve to stay or a home to give.

If they had watched the sun lower beyond the horizon and then had slipped away without telling a Soul to where they had gone... Well.. Sans knew for certain, even if they kiddos still didn't.

No matter what Frisk thought... The Monsters would have torn the surface up lookin' for em once the truth came out.

Anything to make it right and give something back... Anything to bring them home.

...

..

 _The sun. He had read about it; how the sky turned red and orange and different shades of pink before night fell because the amount of_ atmosphere the light had to pass through was thicker on the horizon; about how the light bent.

But reading about it, knowing it happened, and actually seeing it... Those were not the same.

It was beautiful.

Yet even so, Sans could not deny that his delight would have been a lot brighter had he known that this was also, _actually_ , the first time he was seeing it. That this was actually the first time he had stood here with his brother and his friends and the kid…

But it wasn't.

It wasn't.

None of this was new. It was just something old recycled. He'd been here before. Heard and said all the same things. Everything was exactly the same and would stay the same. And by that he meant that nothing would stay.

It would all Reset.

The kid had been pointedly avoiding Sans their entire journey and there had been that awful sense of betrayal the moment he had woken up staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. He couldn't help but think that was more than likely connected.

But he wanted to trust them… He really wanted to.

It just made it that much more painful.

Sans just didn't know what to do. They seemed to have everything: good food, bad laughs, friends and what could eventually be their family if they just stopped..! What more could they need? Why? Why would they Reset? Just because… they could?

No. That wasn't right. There was a reason. Even if Sans didn't know or remember what they were, there had always been a reason to anything the kid did. Even if he wasn't sure how he knew that, either.

God, he just so wanted to trust them…

But they had… broken that trust, hadn't they?

Again.

There was just…. Too many conflicting emotions. Too many conflicting ideas between what he wanted and what he knew he should be reasoning. He just…

He wanted to keep rooting for them. Not just in breaking The Barrier, but in everything they did. Everything. Including stopping the Resets… He had no reason to believe that they would, the contrary really, but somehow he couldn't let go of that hope. That he could be off of this treadmill… No longer running in place; stuck in the dark.

That little kernel of hope.

It was killing him.

And it clung to his bones as he escaped back into the Underground, as he helped the kid make their way to the Ruins, as he went to Grillby's and then simply escaped to the safe, comfortable misery of his bedroom.

 _"There will be a tomorrow!"_ They had told him, but he just... couldn't afford to believe that.

If he was lucky, it would have Reset before he had had the chance to wake up and start to torment himself again with the waiting.

Except he had no such luck. Instead he jolted awake from a nightmare he couldn't remember that had hit him square on the chest. He sat holding his skull in his hands, trying to regain his breath.

It passed...

Sans fell back on the bed but he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep again for awhile. He turned over and saw the light flashing from his phone. He didn't want to look but he decided he should at least make sure it wasn't important... not that anything was.

Sans laughed bitterly at the joke Toriel had sent him and felt a reluctant wave of affection at the excited couple of texts from his brother.

So he guessed he couldn't say not anything wasn't important. Even after so long, there remained a few select things.

The image of the kid smiling up at him, even through their guilty fear poked at the back of his mind but he resolved not to acknowledge it in anyway as he set the phone back down and slumped into his mattress. His bones felt like they weighed a ton and he closed his eyes again and resigned himself to a few fitful hours of sleeplessness.

"SANS!"

Sans opened his eyes groggily as his brother bursted into his bedroom, already scolding him for his lack of attentiveness on this fine, glorious day!

Morning...

It had actually come.

"alright, pap, alright, i'm up." He promised.

But god was he not prepared for the whirlwind that smacked him in the face. It was even an hour or two before he even noticed the most glaring aspect of all of this.

"wait, where's frisk?" He asked Toriel nearly ten minutes after she had joined up with the rest of them.

"Oh, they went home." She told him. Sans froze in place.

"w-what?" He asked in surprise, giving her an incredulous look.

"Well of course." She said, seeming surprised herself by his strange reaction. "They fought so hard to get back to it, it is only right, is it not?" She looked slightly hurt to say it, but also understanding. "Of course they must come visit once everything has settled down."

"r-right. we'll be seeing them later." Sans agreed, but he still couldn't get over what she had said.

This entire time... The thought that the kid had somewhere to get back to hadn't crossed his mind. Maybe in earlier Resets, but the fact was that.. the HAD Reset so many times. They just hadn't seemed in too much of a hurry to get back to whatever before. Why now? Sans shrugged it off though, not thinking too much of it. After all, it was going to Reset anyways. They must have been making a quick run home and then they'd do it. Whatever their reasons for it, didn't matter.

And that was that.

Sans resigned himself to waiting. Days passed. Weeks. He found himself incredibly busy, helping people move up to the surface. Even if it was going to be pointless, it was a good distraction. He couldn't sleep all the time after all. Even if he wanted too.

It was a month, though, and Toriel stood in the doorway of his and Papyrus' home in Snowdin that they were only half moved out of.

"heyya tor-.. what's wrong?" He asked, his tone changing quickly as he noticed the sick expression on her face as she rested a hand against the doorframe. She stepped into the house, looking around as she shut the door behind her. He could tell she was looking for Papyrus, but not... _for_ him. She was making sure he was not there... A terrible sensation settled in where Sans' stomach would have been. "tori?"

"Sans I must speak with you." She said.

"sure. always." She hesitated, her mouth opened but she did not seem able to put her thoughts to words. "why don't you sit down?" Sans asked, motioning to the couch that still sat there despite the TV having been one of the first things to go. Papyrus liked having the TV on the surface so he could keep up with the Human News and Mettaton's new show; The Surface with A Stellar Robot.

It hadn't taken long for Mettaton to claim his fame.

Humans were a curious even if suspicious bunch.

Toriel did in fact sit down, her fingers wrapping together tightly as she rested them in her lap.

"Sans... I must... Do not assume I am accusing you of anything, but you see, I must ask you.. Do you know something about Frisk's life before falling into the Underground?"

Sans gave her an odd look.

"no...?" He said.

"I see. I am sorry. It was just, I remember the look you gave me when I told you Frisk had gone home."

"..." Sans was silent for a moment, thinking the question and the statement over. "tori?"

"Oh this is all my fault!" She cried suddenly and put her hands over her face. Sans jumped in surprise at her lose of composure. "Why would they answer me anything different than they did after all I had done to them? Forcing them to Fight and then to tell them to not come back! How wretched! I went after them eventually, yes, but how could any mother say that to a child to begin with! Oh what have I done, Sans? What have I done?"

"woah, hey now, what's this?" Sans asked anxiously, not understanding what she was getting at at all. Toriel took a deep breath and lowered her hands. She sat up straight and closed her eyes as she exhaled. She opened her eyes and rewove her fingers together. "you found something out about the kid?"

"Yes..." She said gravely. "Do you.. remember earlier? When I told you that we had been asked about Frisk? That they were trying to find out who they were?"

"yeah? but we didn't have a full name so it was no use?"

"Yes... But you see... It seems the humans have had an idea as to who they were for a long time now. We were simply not informed. Until... earlier today. Asgore and I."

"and?" Sans couldn't help but feel a pressing fear against the inside of his ribcage.

"We have only been told a little bit, but from what they have said, if our Frisk is the same as the one they suspect, then..." There were obvious tears in Toriel's eyes. "Thinking about it now, they never said that they were going home, Sans. Just that they had places to go. But even that was a lie. They had no where to go from the very beginning."

"w-what do you mean?" Sans asked nervously.

"They had been placed into something the humans call 'foster care', meaning they were not living with their original family but with another. But they ran away and nobody has seemed to see them since we all left the mountain." Toriel covered her face again with her hands, sitting there with the weight on her shoulders. "What am I to do?"

Sans sat, his mind filled with the static of surprise as he stared at her.

The thought of the kid having someplace to go, sure, it hadn't occurred to him, but the fact that they didn't have somewhere to go also hadn't occurred to him. Their life on the surface, anything about them really, he hadn't lend a thought to. It hadn't mattered to think about. Or perhaps... no that didn't feel exactly right. That made it seem like Sans didn't care about what had happened to them and that didn't feel true. It was just that... all of the before, hadn't seemed to matter, or at least, been important. What mattered was the Underground. The Resets, the... Sans wasn't sure where he was going with that train of thought either.

He just hadn't let himself think about it before. He hadn't had the need to. There had been no point to it. It was best to think about other things. But just... this...

Their guilty, nervous smile flashed in the back of his mind again but this time he paid attention.

What the hell... were they playing at this time? What was all of this? Sans didn't under-

"We must find them, Sans." Toriel said lowering her hands again and sitting up on the couch. Her eyes were drying of tears as they hardened. "We will find them. I am not sure how, but I will not leave even a stone unturned. We will find them, and we will start immediately." She stood up. There was a Fight in her eyes that scared Sans.

And it was just that smallest twinge of fear that brought up that guilty, _scared_ smile of Frisk's once more.

Something cold settled against him as some idea struck him.

Had they left because...

He remembered the sense of betrayal he had felt at the start of this timeline.

And then they had just... left!

"w-wait, tor." Sans started as she began to make her way towards the door. As if she could physically start tearing the surface apart with her bear hands to find them. She stopped and turned towards him, both still scary determined but also... desperately wanting anything from him that could help her. "maybe it isn't the best idea to turn this into some sort of.. manhunt." Toriel blinked, not sure what he meant. "let me find 'em." He pleaded suddenly.

He had... no clue how he was going to do that, but...

"just give me some time to do it without getting everyone in a ruckus." He continued before she could protest like her opening mouth was obviously planning to. That more eyes would be better, would ease up the process. "please, tori. just give me a few days. if everyone is freaking out, it's gonna be no good for the kid." Toriel thought this over. He could see the struggle between wanting to find them **_now_** , and the part of her that saw the reason behind his request. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth tightly as she fought with herself.

"Alright." She said finally. She breathed out loudly. "Alright Sans, I will give you time."

"three days." Sans asked. "then you can sound the alarm or whatever."

She nodded. Sans made his way to shortcut his way down to his workshop but her voice stopped him short.

"Thank you, Sans." He looked back up at her.

"what?"

"Thank you." She repeated. "For everything you've done. Even when I left them to travel on their own, you kept your promise to me. Even now... Thank you."

The guilt was building tightly inside him.

"r-right. sure thing." He told her. She exited the house and Sans stood there another moment, feeling awful.

Because... he was starting to feel very certain that he was the reason Frisk had left in the first place. Something he did or they had been afraid he would do...

But they... they had just _left_. Wh-What had they...?

That other thing that he just _knew_ also sprung up, that thing that he knew they had done, but he pushed it aside. That felt like.. so long ago. That had happened though, that was something he had to keep in mind, there were just too many things he had never let himself sort through because they hadn't mattered that he suddenly found sitting in his lap demanding to be addressed.

But he didn't have time for that now, it didn't matter why they had left it was just his job to find them. But he had no clue where to actually start. Sans pulled out his phone-

Wait! The _phone_!

He stared at it the idea springing up but it couldn't be that easy! Could it?

But he felt that...

It might just be the thing.

He found himself at the Lab, Alphys jumped nearly a mile high when he appeared behind her.

"Sans!" She cried, forgetting to stutter in her shock. "You scared me half to d-death!" Ah, she had remembered it again.

"yeah, well, i just had a visit from tori, and i gotta say..." He hesitated and her slightly irritated expression fell as she noticed he was clearly off. "..it has been kinda shaken down to the bone." Sans admitted. Even if he couldn't tell her all the reasons why. But as he told her the reasons he did know, she grew incredibly silent.

"I.. I h-had begun to th-think they weren't coming back b-because... of something I d-did." Alpyhs said finally, her voice soft and guilty. Sans cringed. He knew how badly she had been struggling lately with things like that. She had seemed to be getting better, but a thought like that would have been hard to push past. "I c-can't b-believe I d-didn't think..."

"wh-what?" Great, now he had caught the habit. But all of this was heavy.

"It-It just seems k-kinda selfish t-to think it was... was all about me." Alphys admitted. "I d-didn't stop to think that, a-after all they did to h-help me and all I d-did to use them, that... they would have th-their own troubles." She was fiddling with a pen in her hand. It had anxious claw marks along the side. "D-Did you know all th-that stuff I did with Mettaton?"

"yeah?"

"I d-did all of that to g-get them to stay. That perhaps th-they would like it so much, that they would l-like me so much that they w-wouldn't want to leave." Sans raised a brow. No, he hadn't known that part. But...

"i tried to get them not to leave, too." Sans said. But that wasn't exactly true. He had tried to get them not to Reset.

And now they hadn't. But they hadn't stayed either.

"B-But what c-can we do about this?" Alphys asked.

Sans pulled out his phone and held it out towards her. Alphys looked it over not understanding-

"you gave the kid a tune up, didn't you?" He asked. She stared at him and then her face fell in shock before she exploded into a smile.

"O-oh my g-god! You're right! Their phone!" She swirled in her chair to face the computer and began typing hurridly. "I d-didn't put a tracker in i-it because I had all of the cameras, b-but if it is still connected t-to the Undernet, which w-we've connected to the human's sy-systems, then I c-can..." She fell silent, typing, typing, typing, click clack click of the keys. "Th-There! They have it on!" Sans leaned in over her shoulder.

"where?" He demanded.

"I.. I haven't g-gotten that far. Let me..." She stuck out her tongue, biting it as she worked. "Let m-me hook into the human's, um, they call it GPS. There! There they are!" Alphys had leaned in incredibly close, almost off of her chair. "There's Frisk!" She was pointing to a little red dot on the screen, it was moving. "Oh- Oh thank g-god." Alphys put a hand over her heart. "W-We should call them-"

"no."

"N-No?" She asked, looking at him with pure confusion. Sans shook his head.

"i'm sure as hell toriel has already tried that. that's to be expected. if we start calling they're going to know we're on to them. they might turn off the phone."

"B-But don't we want them to..." She trailed off, her brilliant mind at work, getting to what Sans had already thought of. "N-No. You're right." She realized. She was clutching at her pen again and looking at the little red dot anxiously. "They m-must be so scared."

Sans looked down at his pink slippers, his hand resting on her shoulder. He looked at his phone.

"alphys, can you connect that map to my phone?"

"O-Of course..." She took the device and began to work, but slower than she had been typing originally. She seemed to be getting sick, and Sans could understand. "Do you... Do you think th-they'll run?" She asked, afraid of what he might answer.

"... i don't know." Sans said honestly. "probably." Alphys pressed her lips together as she continued to work on his phone.

"If th-they realize it was the ph-phone that gave them away, we.. you may only have one shot." She told him. "I may be able to.. to reactivate the phone remotely, b-but if they discard it s-somewhere..."

"got it." He said.

Basically she was saying, don't mess it up. Again.

Well she wasn't probably intending the again part, but Sans was certain, so very certain that it was, indeed, again. This was his fault... Somehow. He just hadn't cared before... He hadn't realized he couldn't afford to.

He left Alphys armed with his phone and he made his way down the mountain. It took the phone a bit to catch up to him after his shortcut. Once it had situated itself in figuring out where he was and then where Frisk was he felt... somewhat surprised. He had thought they would have been cities away by now, that he was going to have to find some sort of transportation, but... they were still in Ebott City. Granted it wasn't that small a place, but at the same time... just by staying this close to the mountain they risked being fou... found.

They _wanted_ to be found, he realized. Maybe not consciously, but something inside them.. had prevented them from taking it a step forward and moving outside of the shadow of the mountain... the mountain nobody was ever said to come down from...

He sat on the bus, ignoring the stares he was getting from all around, staring at the little red dot on his screen. They seemed to be hanging out at some kind of shopping mall. That could be good or bad. He didn't want to cause any commotion and he didn't think they did either but at the same time he risked them slipping away into a crowd and Alphys' warning that he may only have one shot at this... Well he may have no shot. If he met them and then they just Loaded. Or... Reset.

C-Could they Load? Now that they were away from The Underground?

They weren't in the mall anymore when he arrived but across the street at a gas station. He looped around the building, looking at the red dot and then at his surroundings. The dot wasn't moving but he couldn't tell exactly where they should be. He couldn't risk them seeing him before he saw them. He found a couple of bushes to stand behind as he continued to circle around but stopped when he saw them come out of the building behind what looked like a family, keeping their head up as if they belonged with them. Sans crouched, hiding himself as best he could as they broke off from the family and hurried behind the building. Sans followed after them, hiding himself still and thankful when they can to a stop and he didn't have to find somewhere else to watch them from. They plopped down onto the ground beside a dumpster and Sans watched as they pulled out their phone. Sans froze solid, afraid that somehow they knew something was up. But to his surprise, he watched them pull out... a grey, unassuming windbreaker. Sans blinked as they pulled what looked like tags off of the sleeves and put it on. Then, they pulled out a bag of something, opened it, and began to eat.

Sans sat himself down on the ground, just staring...

The kid had most certainly been resourceful. They'd.. They'd been using the phone to steal. Human phones, he had begun to gather, did not have giant dimensional spaces in them to store items bigger than it. It suddenly struck him that with the phone, off or on, they would also have access to the dimensional boxes.

If he failed this time... If they realized it was the phone that had given them away... If they got rid of it, they would be getting rid of their only advantage they had in their situation.

A situation Sans still did not understand why they had been putting themself through. Even if they hadn't felt like they could stay with the Monsters, with Toriel, the humans were still looking for them too. Why... But Sans realized that question was rooted in the same question of why they had climbed the mountain in the first place.

They were eating slowly, as if to savor it, and Sans took note of how thin they were, even with the added affect of the windbreaker. They had always been small, but somehow they seemed smaller sitting their curled up surrounded by garbage eating their stolen spoils.

He wondered... if they had any stores of Monster Food in there, too. If he had been them... He would have kept the Monster Food for emergencies, considering how it didn't go bad. And then, what else could he have used?

No, that wasn't important. What was important was making sure they didn't bolt when he approached them. This was the perfect opportunity to do it, they were alone and out of sight from the main road. This was it... But Sans couldn't pick himself to start walking over. He could just stare and watch. They pulled out a second bag of whatever it was they were eating from the phone and then a pop bottle that looked like it was actually filled with water now.

Sans pulled out his own phone, an idea forming in his mind. As he began to dial, he realized that... this did not feel exactly new. He had called them in previous timelines...

Their phone began to ring and they stared at it... sadly. They looked at the number though and he could see the surprise on their face. If he had called them, he had never called them this early. Their eyes were wide and frightened. But then, instead of answering (not that he had expected them to answer anyways), they pulled the phone close to their chest and lowered their head against their knees. He rang them again. Their back began to shake and he thought that perhaps they were fighting back tears. The voice mail picked up again.

"kid..." Sans hung up and rang once more. They lifted their head and stared at the phone miserably. They pressed a button just as voice mail went through and Sans held his breath thinking that they had answered. But no, they were simply listening in on to whatever he was going to record for them. "kid... pick up the phone, please... tori-" They hung up again quickly, cowering away from the sound of his voice. It seemed to have hurt them more than they had expected. They put their head back against the wall behind them and this time he could hear the sob that escaped their lungs from where he was sitting. But only one. They swallowed down the others and tried to keep their face straight. "kid..." Sans whispered softly, his expression falling.

He rang one more time.

They hung it up immediately. He couldn't stand this anymore... He knew he was going to freak them out but he couldn't risk them running before he got to them.

He was suddenly sitting directly beside them.

"well that was rude." He tried to joke, but he knew it was no use. To their credit they didn't scream, but perhaps that was worse. Their panic was frantic but silent as their eyes went wide and they sprung to their feet at startling speed. He reached out a hand. "woah-! kid-!"

"I'll Reset!" They shouted. Sans froze half way in his attempt to stand up. He was on one knee, the lights in his eyes gone as he stared at them, still as petrified stone. The colour would have drained from his face if he'd had any to drain to begin with.

Frisk though... Their expression changed as well. He could see the absolute horror rippling through them at what they had just said.

But at the same time... they had already said it.

"I-If you follow me..." They said, taking another step back. "If you follow me, I'll Reset...!" They said, their voice cracking.

"kid-!" The lights in Sans' eyes blinked back on as Frisk turned and made their break for it. And for the briefest of moments, Sans was torn into a million pieces as he hesitated. He hadn't expected them to spring the Resets on him openly. He hadn't expected them to use it to threaten him. And... he hadn't expected to not believe them about it.

That look in their eyes... They'd been _lying_.

Sans magic reached for a shortcut to tug and help him. They had been headed towards the main road and he needed a new position to relocate them.

"kid!" He called, catching sight of them almost immediately as he emerged. They didn't seem to hear him though, too caught up in their own panic. He gauged where they would be in two seconds and pulled himself through space to be ahead of them. He caught them by their upper arm as they raced passed.

They _screamed_ _!_

The sound was the shrillest and loudest thing he had ever heard out of them, it almost sounded inhuman, but the terror was very real and Sans let go of them like he had burned them. They were falling backwards from the force they had applied trying to redirect their body away from him. They fell hard against the ground, scrapping the other arm and fingers they had tried to break their fall with. They cried out in pain and brought their hurt hand up, clasping it tightly with the other one as they closed their eyes shut. They were shaking as they began to whimper softly, unable to breath properly in order to sob.

The scream they had given out had caught the attention of two men nearby, filling up their cars with gas. Before thinking about the possible consequences it might cause later down the line, Sans reached out a hand and put it against Frisk's shoulder. They gasped briefly before he pulled them into his shortcut.

The two of them came out along the river that cut Ebott City in two, the ground was gravel beneath them and Sans slid a bit before he caught his footing. He had only been here once before, but it was the closes secluded spot he could think of. Just not close enough. He felt his magic sputter momentarily in protest at how much he had just used at one time. But he'd had to.

Even if there were consequences, regarding how the humans who had seen him and Frisk had reacted, he figured it was better to face them later, after he had handled Frisk, then during.

Sans let go of Frisk's shoulder and bent down, putting his hands on his legs as he caught his breath. He swallowed loudly. Frisk was curling up, still holding their injured hand, as they closed their eyes and continued their terrified whimpering. Their face was stained with tears.

Sans had... Sans had had so many crafty things to say, so many things... but now all he had left was his questions. They were so obviously hurt, and not just their hand.

"kid..." He began as he started to pick himself up again. "kid why?" He leaned closer and they flinched. He hesitated but then knelt down onto one knee. "kid why didn't you stay?"

To leave everything behind like that. When they had nothing else. Was _that_ the real reason they had kept Resetting? So they didn't have to leave? But why hadn't they just stayed?! Toriel had offered... but...

That guilt was building up again in his ribcage-

"Why did you come after me?" Frisk finally sobbed. They covered their eyes with their good hand and continued to cry. Slowly, Sans wrapped his arms around them. They tensed and breathed in sharply but he didn't back down. There was a moment, a shutter, before they were suddenly hugging him back, wrapping their uninjured arm around his neck and burying their face in his jacket. He let them sob against him for several minutes, thankful they had that jacket on as the wind seemed to pick up now that they were by the river. Their fingers were gripping at his hood, not tight enough, never tight enough.

"let's get you home. okay, frisk?" He whispered softly. They were shaking their head violently. "tori has been really worried about you." He told them. There was a small hiccup and he forced them to separate from him so he could look them in the face as he supported the back of their head. "we've all been worried." He admitted.

Yes, he had been worried. He had just assumed they would Reset. That his worry was misplaced and didn't matter. But the moment Toriel had revealed the truth...

Frisk's face showed how torn to bits they were inside. They wanted to go... They wanted to go to Toriel, but there was so much fear in their eyes.

"kid..." He traced his thumb against their cheek, getting a few of the tears out of their eyes so they could see. "kid, why?" He asked again, the pain in his voice. "why did you run?"

No, he knew part of the answer to that. He knew it had something to do with him. Why they had acted so aloof and fearful this entire timeline. He was... the last person who should have been allowed to come after him, he knew that, but at the same time... it felt like he had been the only one able to. If this was his mistake then...

"i'm sorry." He said finally. He was just so sorry if he made them feel like they had to run. He knew part of it was their background, it's not all him, but... Sans pulled them back into the hug. He pressed his teeth against their forehead as he held them.

He's missed them. He'd spent the entire month trying not to miss them but he had. He had spent the last month trying not to love them... but... He rested his chin on their forehead now and closed his eye sockets tightly.

"god, kid, i'm so sorry. whatever i did, i'm sorry."

They were shaking, their head too. It wasn't him, they were saying. It wasn't him.

"You should hate me!" They finally got out verbally through their tears. They let out a loud sob as they lifted their face. They couldn't' understand, they just can't...

Somehow... the outburst shocked Sans. His eye sockets were wide, his eye lights pinpricks. He was shocked but he shouldn't have been. Sans held them more tightly. They were just skin and bones, nearly a skeleton in themself. So small, so young, he can't hate them. He just can't. He'd felt betrayed before by this Reset, but he couldn't hate them now. No.

"I'm not going to Reset," They sobbed. "I'll never Reset, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."

They were apologizing for their threat, Sans thought. But a part of him also thinks it has something to do with the start of this timeline. Why he felt betrayed. Why they'd ran...

"it's okay..." He hushes them. "shhhhh." They just buried their face deeper and cried louder.

Aw, jeez...

Sans wasn't sure why, but eventually he had them on his back. Their bad arm was pressed between the two of them protectively and the other was draped around his neck for support as he held their legs. He walked along the river, watching the water swirl by. Frisk watched too, staring out with their own watery eyes as they continued to sniffle.

He wasn't sure how long they had cried. He wasn't sure how long he had walked. But the sun was lowering in the sky and soon it would be hiding behind the mountain.

"Sans..." Frisk's voice was barely a whisper. He stopped walking, listening intently. "I love you..."

Sans stayed frozen for a moment, staring at the ground at his feet. He tried to turn his head towards them but he couldn't do it with the way he was holding them. He was forced to stare ahead again, but he squeezed their legs comfortingly for a moment.

"i love you too, frisk." He felt them shutter again with a new forming sob.

"I want to go home...!" They keened.

"okay..." Sans said gently and they turned their head, he could feel their breath against his cheekbone. "we'll be there in a flash..."

He let a rush of magic race through him, more than he should have probably, as his soul reached outwards to pull the two of them forward. There was an immediate, comforting warmth as they stood in the middle of Toriel's living room. And immediately, Toriel looked up from the book she was pretending to be reading.

"San- My child!" She sprang to her feet and rushed over towards them frantically. "My child, my dear child..." Frisk's hand was reaching out for her, their fingers spread widely. Toriel's paw grasped it and she kept coming closer, and Sans felt the weight of them sliding off of him.

Toriel was cradling them in her arms, nearly smothering them. Or maybe they were trying to smother themself in how much they were burying themself in her.

"Frisk..."

Toriel pulled away, seeing the state their hand was in.

"I'm sorry." Frisk whispered. "I'm so sorry." The mantra was suddenly constant from their lips. Even as Toriel tried to hush them. Even as Toriel healed them and told them that it was alright. That it would be alright now.

It would be alright...

..

...

...

...

..

.

Sans picked Frisk up from their place in the car as gently as possible and made his way towards the door. They hummed as they buried their face against him in their sleep. Toriel opened the door before he even rang the bell. She stood with her hands together, her expression deathly serious as she stared him down.

"i know, i know..." Sans whispered tilting his head either way. Her stern expression broke and she smiled.

"Oh my child..." She whispered just as softly, putting her hand on top of their head for a moment, running her fingers over their hair.

She followed Sans as he took them to their room. He slid them in and they rolled over, half awake.

"Sans...?"

"your home, kiddo." Their eyes fluttered, but then closed again. Toriel came in, pulling the covers over them and Sans stepped back out of her way.

"Good night, my child." She said, kissing their forehead as she ran her hand through their hair again comfortingly.

"Mom..." Toriel froze but Frisk, or perhaps... it was Chara... slipped back into sleep. Toriel reluctantly pulled herself away.

"Sweet dreams, my child." She whispered as she headed towards the door where Sans stood. He followed her out of the room but glanced back at them as she began to pull the door shut.

They were finally _home_...

...

And it was Sans' job to keep it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hard truth of the fact that Affording is basically my subconscious' Relient K song fic.  
> Which song?  
> Many songs.


	43. Affording To Garner Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part V

Sans was waking up to his ceiling, the memories in his head, just like every morning, telling him, reassuring him that, yes, it had not Reset. A new day had come. And this morning there was also the realization that today was the day!

Oh god, today was the day.

To say that Sans felt nervous was an understatement. In fact he would have gone for utterly terrified. That was because the significance of that day could not be understated.

There was a sick sensation in his not-stomach, but also... the determination. The resolve.

And that was something new.

Sans forced himself out of bed and somehow made his way down the stairs.

"SANS?" Papyrus asked loudly, seeing his brother stroll into the kitchen. "YOU ARE AWAKE? THE SUN IS BARELY UP!

"yeah, bro." Sans agreed tiredly. He knew he had slept at least some last night considering he had been able to wake up, but it felt like he hadn't slept at all. Sans yawned as he poured himself some cereal. "i've gotta a thing to do for tori. nothing much. just somethin' i can help take off her plate. you know how she's been running herself to the ground lately."

Papyrus was beaming as Sans sat down at the kitchen table across from him.

"SANS I CANNOT STATE HOW PROUD I AM OF YOU." Sans nearly choked (don't ask him how), on the cereal he had just taken a large bite of. At the very least he sputtered and began to cough. "BE CAREFUL BROTHER, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TAKEN SUCH A LARGE BITE, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU ARE STILL HALF ASLEEP."

Since he _had_ been still half asleep, Papyrus should not have been making such large statements. Sans tried to recover fully. It wasn't like Papyrus never praised him, the opposite really. Even when he was constantly badgering him to do things, it was out of an intense love, but somehow, today, it had hit Sans like a brick to the face.

"just went down the wrong pipe." Sans stated as he cleared his throat and took another bite. He could see Papyrus in the edge of his vision as looked at the middle of the table.

"WELL, AS I WAS SAYING. I CANNOT STATE HOW PROUD I AM OF YOU! EVER SINCE FRISK BROKE THE BARRIER, YOU HAVE BEEN DOING YOUR VERY BEST! AND EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT! EVEN UNDYNE SAID SOMETHING TO ME BEFORE WE LEFT HER, SHE SAID THAT IT WAS ALMOST AS IF SHE HAD NEVER REALLY KNOWN YOU!" Sans cleared his throat.

"r-right. undyne." Papyrus seemed to lose something in his expression even as he remained smiling. "when is she coming for her visit?"

"IN A WEEK." Papyrus declared, despite something in his voice making it clear he knew that Sans already knew that. Sans had of course, nobody would stop talking about it. Well... Except Frisk. Each time it was mentioned, they had a sickly look they had tried to hide. It had already been three weeks since the fiasco with the scars, but Sans knew that it was far from behind them.

But they hadn't discussed it with Sans, at least not yet.

"SANS?" Sans looked up from his food.

"huh? yeah?" Papyrus shook his head.

"NOTHING, YOU JUST SEEMED LOST IN THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT." Papyrus told him, though it didn't seem to simply be nothing. To either of them.

It was just the stress of the coming day, Sans lied to himself. But it seemed to have been building up. Over the last few weeks... No. Since The Barrier had broke- No... For a very, very long time. It was just the fact that now that time was actually moving forward... It was starting to come to the surface more often.

Or at the very least it was starting to get harder for Sans to ignore.

"welp. i've got a bus to catch." Sans said, standing up.

"WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? LET ME DRIVE YOU!" Sans stopped in the doorway.

"uh, that's probably not for the best." Sans said, his mind racing trying to find an excuse.

"WHAT? WHY?"

"it's... complicated." Papyrus sat back down at the table, having stood up with his offer to drive.

"OH. I SEE." Papyrus stated, though he had no way of actually seeing anything. "BUT AT THE VERY LEAST, TAKE THE CAR."

"but, don't you need it-"

"LET ME TAKE THE BUS! IT HAS BEEN AWHILE SINCE I HAVE AND IT WAS ALWAYS A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE! A GREAT WAY FOR THE GREAT PAPYRUS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE! I WILL BE MORE THAN FINE! TAKE THE CAR!"

Sans sighed. He didn't want to discuss it any longer. He simply nodded and headed towards his room to get ready for the day. He debated teleporting to the car but he silently berated himself. He wasn't trying to avoid Papyrus. He wasn't. He walked downstairs like everything was normal. Because it was. And the saddest part was that wasnt even a lie anymore. This was normal.

"HAVE A GOOD DAY BROTHER!" Papyrus called as Sans reached the front door.

"you too, paps."

Sans had to admit that the moment he slid behind the wheel of the car he felt a million times better. The key turned, the car turned on like expected, and he was pulling out onto the road. Sans let himself relax and forget about everything. At least for a moment. At least until he reached his destination.

So perhaps the tension would not completely go away, even with the car ride. He had no clue what to expect nor what would be expected of him. He just knew that he would do anything, anything they asked. Or she would ask. He was only meeting one of them today, he remembered. Mr. Tang would be on another visit. Dear glory he was going to have to go through multiple visits. How was he going to keep all of this from Papyr-

Sans rolled to a halt at a stop sign, not daring to think about that furthur.

The building Sans eventually pulled into was tall and bland, just like he would have expected any government office building to look like. He gazed up the side of the building wondering just where he was supposed to be, which side of the building was best to enter through. He had the department he was supposed to be heading to but no sense of direction. As he put the car into park and pulled out the key, the tension was growing again along with the anxiety. He felt smaller than usual. The tall and suddenly oppressive building didn't help.

When he entered the building, he knew every eye was on him. That was usually a given considering Monsters were still new and many humans had yet to see one in person, but these eyes seemed knowing. He was not the first they had seen but at the same time they noted he was new. Yet they all knew why he was there.

"You want level three." The receptionist told him. "You turn left after getting off of the elevator."

"right. thanks."

He resisted the urge to put up his hood and glare as he continued. He knew Toriel came here often, that it wasn't exactly a secret, but at the same time his entire presence felt like he was giving it all away. Giving what away he wasn't sure but he felt a small protective seed in his chest, the urge to force every single human to look away from him because just by seeing him they were seeing something private. Something that Frisk hadn't even wanted the Monsters to know. He knew that he was not alone in this feeling. It was the same protective feeling that came each time Toriel glared death at any photographers that tried to get even in a thirty mile radius of Frisk. The same protective feeling that let Chara rise up, their eyes flashing gold as they offered snide remarks that Frisk would not have been able to say otherwise. The same protective feeling that had made Undyne punch a wall at the very thought of someone abusing them.

He walked through the department, trying not to catch anyone's eye as he meandered through the cubicles. He just needed to get to the conference room he had been told to meet her at. He wasn't 100% sure why they were using a conference room but a part of his had his suspicions that it had to do with that protective feeling. He highly doubted Toriel would agree to discuss anything if it was in an area that did not feel entirely secure. He didn't think a cubicle would meet that requirement, but he doubted she had an office.

His mind was tumbling in a multitude of directions as he tried to distract himself.

But soon there was no way to distract, he had found the conference room. He peeked inside...

And there she was. A shadowy figure in his mind made flesh and blood.

Mrs. Jackeline Garner.

She stood at the end of a long table, looking down at her tablet as she scrolled through something, her eyes scanning slowly. Sans hesitated before entering the room or calling out. She... She wasn't exactly how he had imagined her. Of course all he had had been Frisk's simple description of her and whatever his own mind had provided but... he had been expecting something of a librarian. Of course he could see where that description could still fit, but the way she held herself was too confident. She looked more like a proper business woman.

He instantly disliked her.

As if feeling his dislike, Mrs. Garner looked up from her screen and turned her direction his way. Sans' perception of a firm business woman eased only slightly once he got a good look at her face and as she smiled excitedly for him. She immediately began to walk towards him with no hesitation, lifting out a hand.

"Thank you so much for coming. Sans, was it?" She asked it but she most definitely knew who she was talking to. Reluctantly Sans stepped into the room and took her hand as he continued to study her.

Admittedly, Mrs. Garner looked like a woman who almost knew what she was doing. She wasn't as old as he had pictured, but not as young as she could have been he also realized. Her short, dark curly hair circled around her face giving her a professional look but her eyes were too wide and bright through her silver rimmed glasses. There was something off about her, Sans noted after a moment. There was something lacking. And he immediately realized that it was this very lack of something that had set Frisk up against her. She lacked the very thing that had made Frisk trust Toriel almost immediately.

"Why don't we sit down?" Mrs. Garner offered, indicating the long table.

Sans followed her but as he began to sit down he caught something in her eyes. She was appraising him just as much as he to her. But Sans felt that there was another lack of something in that appraising gaze. Something that had been in all the other gazes that had found him in the rest of the building. That was probably a good thing, though. He'd give her that. He may have instantly disliked her but at least he didn't feel like it was mutual. There was a lack of personal curiosity, Sans realized. Only a certain objectivity.

"Please remember I only have a half hour before I am supposed to start my day."

"right. toriel said you you're doing most of this in your free time." Mrs. Garner nodded.

"It's important. But you will mostly be working with Mr. Tang, Toriel's lawyer. I'm just on as a.. consultant, since I've worked with Frisk for the last two years."

"right." Sans said again.

"As you know, it's been rather difficult for Ms. Toriel. She's been juggling a lot, so you agreeing to help is a relief."

"of course. i'd do anything for tori. and the kid." Mrs. Garner nodded.

"As you also know, another reason this has been so difficult is... the atmosphere surrounding everything. If you are as perceptive as Toriel claims, I also assume you know that... Frisk has been being watched."

"by you." Mrs. Garner seemed to raise a brow at his aloof attitude, but she didn't comment on it.

"Not exactly. I've seen them from a distance a few times but I haven't been watching them, not like that. I mean really watched. The idea of a Monster adopting a human child... hasn't gone over well in some... many circles. You know this. Or at least you know about the conflict overall even if not in this specific sense."

"right." Sans said again, just as pointedly.

"Well during these observations, and later Toriel would confirm that, Frisk seems to have a strange attraction to you."

He wasn't sure where they would have gotten that from, considering how the first two months he had avoided them like a plague. Unless... they had seen exactly what he had. How much Frisk looked for him in the crowd. For affirmation in what they were doing.

"At first there was... concern. You see, often the abuser is the one the child gravitates towards. It's a defense mechanism."

"what?" Sans asked in honest surprise. "are you implying that i'm-

"No. Of course not." She continued. "I was concerned as well at first." She admitted then.

"because we're monsters." Sans accused. Mrs. Garner gave off what he thought was an amused laugh and Sans suddenly felt something in his not-stomach. That gleam in her eyes as she looked down at the wood of the table. She didn't think them monsters at all, he noted. That was the lack of something he had picked up on before, the difference between her and everyone else in the building.

He thought of the scars on Frisk's back.

She had seen real monsters, Sans realized.

"I don't give a damn what you are." Mrs. Garner said softly and Sans was frozen, shocked by the language he hadn't been expecting from her or the professional setting she had been maintaining. "I'm always cautious in any situation. You have to be. Looks can be deceiving. It didn't matter what you were, or how good other Monsters were. It doesn't even matter that Toriel trusts you. Or that you promised to help her in this." She looked up and met his eyes and Sans realized exactly why he disliked her and that she didn't fully deserve it. "A group does not define the individual and vice versa. Toriel could be in the dark about what is going on, and you could be agreeing to help to keep it that way."

"so.. you don't trust me then." Sans said.

"No, I do." Sans shook his head, he didn't understand. Nothing she had said indicated that. "You see, none of those things truly matter to me. What matters to me is that _Frisk_ trusts you."

"wh-what? how would you know that? you haven't even talked to the kid about me have you?"

"No, but that also wouldn't matter. They could be lying out of fear."

"then...?" Mrs. Garner sighed heavily and closed her eyes for a moment.

"No. There isn't a single Monster around them that Frisk does not trust with their entire heart." She opened her eyes again and linked her fingers together. "If they are looking to you that means that you are the one that they trust most of all. For whatever reason. Because the truth is, as I suspect you already know...The one they do not trust is themself."

There was a moment of intense silence. Sans could not refute her, he was just surprised she had noticed that. But at the same time, he shouldn't have been surprised. For the reason he had instantly disliked her was because she was just like him. She had not simply appraised him, she had read him like a book in an instant.

"But even so..." She continued as she looked back up. Mrs. Garner tilted her head, her expression beseeching of him. "Sans, do you understand, how _happy_ Frisk is? Do you understand how _open_ and _happy_ they have been?"

Sans hesitated to answer. He had seen a happy, carefree kid. Glimpses at least. Increasingly more so since they had finished their story for him, but...

"most of the time i just see a scared little kid." He admitted. Mrs. Garner nodded sadly to that.

"Yes, but in comparison..." She sighed heavily again. "Has Toriel... told you.. anything?" She asked, seeming to hesitate this time. She glanced at the tablet she had laid in front of her. Sans realized with sudden clarity that on it was Frisk's file.

"i..." He couldn't stop looking at the tablet either now. "not really." Mrs. Garner hummed and she pulled the tablet to her. "she told me about the homes. and i know... about the scars. but it wasn't toriel who told me about those. undyne and i kinda... stumbled into that."

"I see..." Mrs. Garner continued sadly. "And how much has... Frisk.. told you?"

"i..."

Dear glory was that a loaded question.

"You don't have to tell me what they told you." Mrs. Garner interceded quickly. "But Toriel has told me they have discussed things with you, I just want to know..."

"i know what happened to them had something to do with their mother. i know they miss her. i know that they never feel like they deserve to stay anywhere. i know that they..." Sans trailed off. He knew so much and yet knew so little. It had felt good to start speaking but then he had remembered who he was talking to. "they really don't like you, you know?" Mrs. Garner's lips pressed together and he noted the action. It validated his statement before she even spoke.

"I am well aware that I am not Frisk's favorite person." She agreed. "They do not trust me, not in the way they trust you and the others. They trust me to do my job, that I say I mean the best and believe it, but they do not think I actually care. I represent a concept more than an actual person to them, no matter what I try. And to a point... I suppose it must look that way. There are so many times, in this job... that you want to act and you can't. There are things you want to do, but then there are the things you need to. That you have to." Mrs. Garner grimaced. "They hate me for the limitations my job demands of me. I am only one woman. The system I work in doesn't work in the way it sometimes needs to. For example, once... I had a child who had their hair pulled up by the roots, there was blood. The evidence was right there. But by the time anything could be done, the evidence collected, the child had been forced to shower. The evidence was gone and any power I had to act."

"..." Sans was suddenly thinking about all of the small what if scenarios he had been playing in his mind since Frisk had started their story. About all of the times he had seemed so close in opening up to them. About how close he had gotten to preventing them from going down a path they would regret. But then they would Reset or he would ignore it. So close and yet... each of them making the other powerless. "if it helps, i don't think they actually _hate_ you." He told her. Mrs. Garner laughed darkly.

"They have not had the best of luck. Even as foster children go." Mrs. Garner continued. "6 homes in the amount of time of time they were in the system... that is.. excessive. It's not atypical overall, but in that amount of time, yes." She touched something on her screen. "How about I tell you what I can and you can tell me whether or not it sounds familiar?"

"i don't know much in the way of details when it comes to their life before the underground."

"Still..." Mrs. Garner lifted the tablet so it was better for her to read. "They were removed from their home at the age of 6 for neglect and child endangerment." She began and Sans felt like he hit a wall. He did not feel prepared. All the guessing, all of the care he had taken to figure it out without pushing and she was just telling him- "They went through one temporary placement before being placed into a home that was meant to be more permanent. But right after their 7th birthday, custody was returned to their mother."

All concern about whether this was right or wrong to be learning cut short as a wave of anger overtook him.

**"what did you just say?"** Mrs. Garner stopped reading but she did not seem entirely surprised. "you took them out of their home because they were in danger **and then you gave them** ** _back_** "

"Well. This was before I was involved with Frisk's case, but... yes." She watched the anger clear on his face as he struggled to asses this information. "You have to understand, Sans. Our goal isn't to break up families. Our goal is always to reunite the family if possible and if not then to find permanent homes for them... Nobody wants to toss these kids around. It's.. just what happens when you try to combine humans and a bureaucratic system." She rose a hand, a finger going out for each thing she started to list off. "There are limited homes, too many costs, situations changing all of the time in a system that isn't designed to be fully adaptable." She lowered her hand. "The system is flawed, Sans. Much of government is. But that does not mean it is inherently bad. These families, mostly they just need help. And we have to keep a distant and often impersonal approach..."

She sighed once again, her shoulders seeming heavy as she picked her next few words carefully.

"Even when it is decided to remove a child from a home permanently, there is always... the chance that a parent will fight it. That they will hold onto their rights for as long as possible and draw it out as best they can. The kids get caught up in that, unfortunately. And... that is what we have here."

If she had meant to calm him down.

" ** _what?_** "

"Frisk's mother. You see... We can't prove she was in fact the abuser. The man she was with... had a history, and he was the reason Frisk was removed the first time but then there was no signs of physical abuse. On Frisk, at least. Just underfed and the fact there were drugs found within the home. The second time, you have the scars but as it is, most evidence points to him. And with him out of the current picture, and with the anti-Monster sentiments regarding this case that made it difficult to begin with... She stands a chance of winning, even if small. At the very least, she can draw it out beyond reason. I think we can all agree that Frisk does not deserve that."

"... and frisk's silence... doesn't help." Sans realized. Mrs. Garner shook her head. "what do you know about what happened?"

Mrs. Garner checked the time but then after seeing she still had time, she continued.

"The last time they were removed was when I was brought onto the case. Frisk was in the hospital with a concussion and a broken arm. Their mother said they had fell down the stairs because of the fever they had. And while they had a fever, it just wasn't reasonable in how they had fallen. And then the burns were discovered."

"the arm that was broken, that was the left one?" Mrs. Garner shook her head.

"No... The right one." She said softly, but her face let him know that she knew exactly what he had been thinking of.

"how... how old were they?" Sans could feel the dread pushing up against the inside of his ribcage.

"They were 8." Mrs. Garner stated. "That was nearly three years ago, now. Since that time they have been in two temporary placements and then three, what should have been long term placements. Those usually last about two years most times. As you can tell that is _not_ what happened for a variety of reasons."

Until it had been too much and they had snapped.

Sans could see Frisk clearly. A small, little kid listening to the Richardson's explain their reasoning, and unable to take it. How cruel the universe could be. Taking nothing with them as they went, having nothing, only their determination... up a mountain nobody was said to come back from.

What had they hoped to accomplish? But to get away, but to have control... Something they had never had before. And now that they had finally found something... They still risked losing everything.

"... the mother didn't fight it before now?"

"No, but I do not think this has anything to do with you being Monsters for her either. I am aware she was offered money by.. certain groups.. but she refused them. Honestly I don't know where she is pulling the money from. It's as if she is getting it from out of nowhere."

"right."

"If you could get them to tell you what happened. That it _was_ their mother who threw them down the stairs..."

"... right."

"You look as if I have asked you to murder them, Sans..." Mrs. Garner whispered. Did he? Well he felt like it. He had told them they didn't have to tell anything they didn't want to. He already felt like he had somehow gone behind their back in just _meeting_ with her. "Sans, you're Frisk's confidant. I understand how important that is to them. But this is also important. I will not ask you to break their trust. I would _never_ ask that of you. I am asking you to ask. Nothing more."

"right..."

Mrs. Garner sighed again and rechecked the time.

"I must go. Thank you again for meeting with me. I hope to see you again, maybe sometime with Toriel." Sans stood with her and shook her hand again. "Please think about all of this."

"i understand."

"Yes, I suppose you do. Let's just hope Frisk does."

"right." Mrs. Garner smiled sadly, that seemed to be the word of the day.

"Also, thank you for not trying to burn me alive with your eyes the entire time." The tension in Sans' chest broke as he laughed.

"yeah, sure. _right_." Her smile widened. "did she really?"

"Oh yes. I was as much of a concept to her the first several times we met as I was to Frisk. I think I've only just started to really have gained her trust."

"or i guess you could say that you've really... _garnered_ it." Her eyes lit up.

" _No_!" She said excitedly.

"man, i was sure tori would have already beaten me to that."

"She... only just started to tell me jokes."

"fair enough." Mrs. Garner continued to smile, content with the ground she had seemed to have made with each of them. She began to walk towards the door, leading the way for him.

"Need me walk you to the elevator?"

"nah, i got it." He told her. "i know a short cut." Mrs. Garner raised a brow but didn't question it.

"It was nice to meet you." She said again.

"surprisingly, the same. i think?"

"Fair enough." Mrs. Garner echoed. "Well. I must go." She nodded her head and turned to leave him. Sans watched her, eyeing the tablet tucked away in the crook of her arm... The anger rebuilding in his ribcage made him see red.


	44. Affording To Allow Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause every night, I will make it right  
> And every night, I will come to you  
> But every night, it just stays the same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just keep.... hissing at this chapter. So let's just get to the point.

"I.. I d-don't th-think this is s-such a good idea." Alphys told Sans as he stood at her elbow, watching her type away at her screen anyways despite her claimed reservations.

"come on, alphys, this is important."

"I... I k-know that, but... If th-they find out. If we're c-caught." She pulled her claws up from the key board and watched as her screen loaded. An array of files stretched before them. "Oh my g-god!" She cried. "I did it!"

"way to go, al!" Sans said, pushing her aside gently and beginning to scan.

"S-Sans..."

"f." Sans repeated. "f."

"B-But it's... in alphabetical order b-by last name." Alphys pointed out.

"okay then, d-" Sans froze. Alphys seemed to do the same beside him. _Dreemurr,_ he had almost stated.

But... But that wasn't true. That wasn't... their last name.

"... they have a last name." Sans whispered in awe. A last name that wasn't Dreemurr. The sick sensation was returning, and then the anger too. It _would_ be Dreemurr.

"J-Just look up F-Frisk. In th-the bar, up there see." Alphys said, pointing. He followed her advice.

Sans and Alphys stared wide-eyed at the name that popped up. It was not Frisk as anticipated, but instead... Frisk was simply labeled beside it within the file itself. Almost as an after thought to what the file claimed as the true name; _Martínez, Francis._

Sans hesitated before opening the file, his breathing funny as he clicked the mouse. Alphys turned away covering her face.

"Oh this is b-bad. Th-this is so b-bad." She chastised herself. "S-Sans..."

"it's alright alphys." Sans said as he worked.

"N-no..." She turned around sharply. "No! Sans it isn't! It i-isn't alright! Sans stop! Frisk doesn't want us kn-knowing any of this!"

"i..." Sans had froze again, her words hitting him like a truck now. "i wasn't going to read that..." He told her weakly.

"Th-Then... Then wh-what were you l-looking for?" Alphys asked fearfully.

".. i don't think i should tell you that."

"W-What?! Sans, y-you have.. have to! I j-just hacked the g-overnment!"

"..."

Difficult choices...

Sans exited out of the file, out of site and sight (but certainly not out of mind). He put his hand in his hands.

He owed Alphys much more than an explanation, he knew. And even if he couldn't for everything, he could for this.

"I was going to find out where their mother lived." Sans admitted.

"What?! Sans!"

One of his hands came down hard against the desk in a tight fist.

 **"you didn't see their back!"** He yelled.

She hadn't sat through everything Frisk had told him either All the things they thought about themself, even from that first timeline, how they hadn't deserved to stay! How they had _always known they weren't a good child!_ That it was the _first thing they had ever known!_

Sans jumped as he felt her hand rest against his back and he was tense under her touch.

"S-Sans... I know you're a-angry. I'm upset t-too. But... You'll only m-make it worse, doing s-something like that." His shoulders fell. "And it's s-something I d-don't think Frisk w-would want. I th-think you know that too."

"i can't let it happen again." Sans whispered brokenly.

"Wh-What happen again?"

The Resets. No, them being taken. They couldn't lose this again. And he knew, if he failed... They would lose this. They _wouldn't_ Reset.

Sans realized that, that had been the true reason he had opened the file. The fear.

Mrs. Garner had stated that she trusted Sans, but she had also said that in all of this, if it had just been the fact that Frisk _said_ Sans was alright, she could still have not believed. If Frisk stated it was their mother, they still could not be believed because it could be interpreted that they were just afraid. They could still be handed over... If he could just!

"Sans...?" Alphys began again in concern.

"they deserve to stay." Alphys stepped closer, keeping her hand on his back. Her touch was so hot and burning him with guilt and knowing even if he couldn't fully remember or understand what he knew. "but you're right too."

If meeting with Mrs. _Garner_ was possibly and act of betrayal in itself, this...

Alphys seemed relieved, unaware of the full turmoil going through Sans.

"Well it's d-done. Th-The file is cl-closed. You made the r-right choice." She said, trying to uplift him. _Him_. When her own confidence was shattered and being tentatively put back together. With _no_ thanks to Sans.

Difficult choices. Right... choices.

Sans was being pulled back to Judgment Hall again, seeing them smile, telling him he deserved to stay. (Did he?) They wouldn't Reset. They would never Reset. Even if he ended up begging them to.

"y-yeah." Sans agreed but still unable to look at Alphys.

He had made the right choice. He had gone about it the wrong way and they weren't perfect choices, but it was the _right_ choice.

Alphys seemed relieved, she began chatting away, trying to distract him with conversation about Undyne's upcoming visit. But Sans wasn't really listening.

He was busy repeating a name and address in his head.

Over and over and over.

Mrs. Garner had said that she would have never asked him to break their trust. But in the end... Sans dared risk a glance towards Alphys and knew for certain...

God he felt like absolute garbage, the worst of hypocrites, but at the same time...!

He would rather lose their trust than lose them all together.

But the pain in his ribcage was very, very real like a knife slashed through him.

Because in order to break somebody's trust you've gotta have it first.

But at the same time...

Alphys was chatting away endlessly, unaware.

What somebody didn't know... couldn't hurt them.

Alphys was chatting away, endlessly with her stutter and shattered self confidence, even as Sans began to leave with his hands shoved into his pockets and the guilt eating him up on the inside as the lights in his eyes refused to reignite.

...

...

...

What somebody didn't know couldn't hurt them.

Ignorance is bliss.

What a load of bull was that?

...

...

...

Sans lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The sound of the trash tornado hummed throughout the darkness of the room and usually he found that soothing, but now it did nothing. He just kept staring, his mind racing, his anxiety gnawing at his bones as he once again pictured the address written out in his mind.

He kept trying his endless excuses. For meeting with Mrs. Garner. For opening up the file.

Toriel had asked him too. He had just been angry.

If he did this and it worked... nobody would ever know.

But if he did this... There was no going back from it. He was keenly aware of that.

This was wrong...

But he couldn't let it go.

Alphys had been right.

This was wrong. This was wrong, wrong, wrong...

But it was also possibly the _best_ thing.

Sans had told them that... the only thing he needed was Papyrus... He had told them that... maybe one day that could include them, too.

They deserved to stay.

He needed them to stay.

And he had the absolutely best smoke screen to do it under: Undyne's visit.

He had already half plotted it out.

The first day it would be impossible to break away but the second day, it would be so easy to slip out unnoticed. Undyne had already claimed more than half of that day as one on one time with the kid. Everyone had things to do, Alphys had obligations at the Core. It was perfect. The perfect chance. Except for the fact that half of Sans kept waiting for Frisk to ask him to Save them from Undyne like they had before with Toriel and the scars, but... they hadn't. Maybe... Maybe they were waiting for him to offer?

But as it was... nothing.

And there Sans was, premeditating the murder of their trust on top of it.

Sans groaned and covered his face with his hands.

They deserved to stay. He needed them to stay. But at the same time...

Papyrus' horrified expression flashed in the back of his mind, that look that haunted him down to his core.

Alphys unable to hold a steady conversation about anything she should have been extremely proud of.

Sans lowered the hands from his face and stared blankly at the ceiling again...

Yeah... He had said that one day, perhaps all he would need was Papyrus... all he would need was them. But now that the day was there he realized that... there was something a bit more to it than that. Because sure he could have them there, physically, with everyone. But...

Mrs. Garner had said it herself, they trusted him. And he... he valued that trust.

If they looked at him the same way Papyrus did at times. If he had to look at them the same way he sometimes looked at Alphys... then...

He needed to talk with someone...

Sans _laughed_ bitterly at the thought. Because talking to people was _not_ something he did. Besides who was there to talk to? Papyrus... No. No he couldn't. And Toriel would fillet him alive if she knew what he was thinking about. Alphys already thought the matter was settled and he didn't have it in him to do it.

And she had been right anyways. All of this could make everything worse. But it could also solve so much in an instant.

Undyne? She'd demand the address and go there herself. Which was _not_ helpful.

Asgore... The idea spun in his head a bit. It wasn't the most improbable, but at the same time he didn't really know the king. Not as much as he knew Toriel.

He continued to think. There had to be someone he trusted enough- Papyrus flashed in the back of his mind again but something sick twisted in Sans' not-stomach at the thought. No. It wouldn't be fair to talk about this with- And as he lay there the realization was sliding over him like a cool blanket. His eyes widened in surprise.

The only one he _could_ talk to about this... the only one that he _should_ talk to about this... Sans sat up in bed, his arm resting against his knee as the shock settled in his ribcage.

This entire time... he had been arguing with himself about going behind Frisk's back. But...

 _Nothing_ stated that it had to be that way.

Sans let out a shocked chuckle and he lifted his hand to his mouth as it grew into a laugh. Then his hand rose from his mouth and covered his eye sockets as his back shook and for a moment he choked up.

He was an idiot. He was an _actual_ idiot.

He'd learned nothing from his own past mistakes.

Because to have somebody's trust... meant that...

"Thank you, Sans. For listening."

It took him a few minutes to calm back down and it seemed like once he did, his cell phone beside his bed pinged to life. Sans shifted to see what it was, confused as to who the hell would be messaging him this late.

frisk

He stared at the screen...

It seemed as if he was not the only having trouble sleeping.

Are you awake? _(Sent 2:26 am)_

no, just sleep textin', Sans responded. He hoped, so hoped, that they had at least smiled at that.

Can we sleep talk? _(Sent 2:29 am)_ , they responded a bit later, and Sans assumed that it had taken them time to gather the courage.

sure thing, Sans texted back. But it was another minute or two before his phone actually started to buzz. Sans answered merrily.

"sup? besides you and me anyways." There was an uncomfortable silence on the other end and Sans tilted his head as his smile fell.

"I'm sorry to bother you." Frisk whispered into the phone.

"you ain't a bother frisk, promise. i wasn't sleeping to begin with." Sans promised. "i uh... i'm glad you called, actually. i needed to talk with you. the sooner is probably the better. before i lose my nerve."

"Oh..."

"but it can wait, what did you need? are you... okay?" He had more than a suspicion that it had been a pretty bad nightmare if they had needed him. "is chara okay? chara there?"

"I'm here." Chara's tone came through. But they had still needed to call.

"Sans I just... had to ask you something. About Undyne."

Ah. So they were finally getting to that.

"you want me to help talk to her about the scars." Sans noted. There was another round of silence on the other end.

"... No." Frisk said finally. Sans blinked in surprise.

"no?"

"I can't... hide behind you forever. Undyne deserves better than that." Now it was Sans' turn to take a round of silence. He hadn't been expecting that, but at the same time... it made sense. Undyne did deserve better. "But I... I have to ask you if... it's okay.. that I... Is it okay if I do something that I think might be a mistake?"

... A mistake..

Sans chuckled sadly and lowered his head.

"S-Sans?"

"sorry. it's just that... i was going to ask you the same thing."

"What do you mean?" Chara asked suspiciously.

"just... if you two think that it is the right thing to do then yeah, it's okay. if it's a mistake, well... didn't you have something to say about that before?"

They breathed out what was probably a small laugh. At least a relieved one. He had a hunch that they had also nodded against the phone.

"so yeah, i trust you to do what you think is right, even if it turns out to be a mistake. but i still gotta ask... do you.. trust me to make a mistake..? as long as, well, i'm not sure that it is actually the right thing to do, but i think it is at least for the best. i'm just..." Sans trailed off. This was a lot more difficult then it seemed like it should have been. Sans sighed.

"We trust you." They answered. Sans covered his tired eyes with his hand as he kept the phone glued to the side of his head.

"i'm not so sure you would say that if you knew what i was planning on doing."

"...But you think it's for the best, right?"

"i'm not sure it is for the best. if it works... then yeah. if not... frisk... i know.. you said you weren't going to reset, but... but loading..."

The silence had returned. He knew he had scared them.

"This is about your meeting with Mrs. Garner." They realized in a hush whisper. Sans was cringing deeply.

"i-"

"I trust you." They repeated. "If you really need a Load, then... Okay. I trust you..."

Sans fell back against the bed. He heard them follow suit.

"are you scared?" He asked after a moment.

"Yes." They answered honestly.

"heh... me too."

But even so, he felt a million times better. Because sure maybe it was still a mistake. But if it _worked_...

And even if it didn't work, at the very least, he wouldn't lose them. Not physically nor mentally.

To be able to make a mistake and yet not have to be afraid of losing that trust. It was just... weird. He had always thought of trust as always expecting someone to not mess things up, and that was true. But not in the way he had thought. You could make mistakes and make difficult decisions and maybe that decision was the wrong choice, but that wasn't the same as betrayal.

"hey..." Sans said tiredly. Frisk, or maybe Chara, hummed on the other side of the line. "knock knock?"

They were already laughing to themself as they turned over on the bed.

"ah come on, kiddo, throw me a bone here." Sans begged.

They hung up the phone.

 _rude_ , Sans sent. But he was still laughing. And he knew that they were, too.

Sans rolled over and put the phone back beside his bed and sighed.

Because making a mistake wasn't the same as breaking somebody's trust. The difference was that you were honest.

It was never the mistakes and difficult choices and the failures themselves...

It was the lies.

Always, always the damn lies...

... He wished he could tell his younger self that.

If he had accepted that then maybe... just maybe...

Maybe the darkness wouldn't have seemed to constantly grow darker around him.

Because with this he was already feeling a million times _lighter_.

 


	45. Affording To Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And you told me  
> If you love me  
> Let it die

...

...

Her name was Angela Kowal.

...

Her name was Angela Kowal but besides that, Sans only knew that she lived about an hour and a half away.

Well... not only besides that.

He also knew some not flattering things.

Like for example, that whatever the hell had happened to Frisk's arm that made them so not-keen-touchy about it went directly back to her. He knew that _everything_ somehow went back to her. And he knew that despite it all... Frisk still missed her.

Frisk still loved her.

And he knew that... if he was going to get anything done... He would have to burry his feelings about all of that.

The same anger that had led him to accessing the file, the same anger that had set this very same plan in motion... He couldn't afford it. He couldn't risk letting it control him in any way.

So Sans gave himself one more mistake to make sure he was on his best behavior... He decided to still go the second day of Undyne's visit. Because if he did, he really couldn't afford to make a mistake. He couldn't sabotage the kid's own progress like that.

The day of, Sans woke up with more anxiety than he could ever remember having. The dread was his entire being and he just barely managed to get himself out of bed. The day before had been too loud and obnoxious with Undyne's arrival for anyone to notice Sans' dismay, but now in the light of the morning, Papyrus once again eyed him... almost sadly. But he said nothing about it. He only agreed whole heartedly to allow Sans the car and didn't ask any more questions as he sent Sans on his merry way.

What a wonderful start to the day!

Sans had put the paper he had written the address and other tidbits of information on in the passenger seat beside him. Later he would have to put it into his phone, using that thing the humans called GPS that Alphys had linked him up to before the first trips to the ocean, but for right then he knew where he was going.

But he let himself not think about it as he pulled out of the drive.

He found him slowing down as he passed by Alphys' house... It was too early for them to be over yet, but... he couldn't keep himself from staring at the front window intently for a moment. They were right, of course... Undyne deserved better. He just wished he could be there anyways. But considering how much of an intruder he had felt when it had come down to it with Toriel and the scars... It really was for the best.

He'd be there for them later.

Besides... it would be rough but he also trusted Undyne to not mess it up. Sure she had been upset originally, but she cared about the kid. She wouldn't make it any worse than it had to be. And from what Frisk and Chara had told him about previous timelines, Sans figured Frisk already had a good understanding of how this would go... even if they were still scared.

They would be fine.

It was... Sans who was in for the most trouble. Unlike them, he had no concept of how this was going to go.

Frisk had given him permission to mess up. Frisk had promised to even let him risk a Load. But now that he had that permission... He was determined to not let it get to that. But there was one more thing he had to consider, even if he himself did not mess things up.

There was also the fact that... Sans was pretty sure he wasn't technically allowed, legally, to do what he was doing.

Doing this... a Load could be unavoidable from the start.

But Mrs. Garner had said another thing that made him take the risk... Angela Kowal had been offered money from anti-Monster groups... and had denied it. That didn't mean she was reasonable in any way shape or form, but at the very least... Sans hoped that would mean she wouldn't be any _more_ unreasonable than she otherwise would be.

So if they both just kept their heads-

But then the image of Frisk's back flashed in his memory and all the little things they had said, all the little ways they had been hurt, and the anger rose again. A part of him, even though he fought it, really wished she would be unreasonable. So he had every reason to dish it out with her.

But that would help no one and make all of his efforts worthless.

They really would have to Load.

He wouldn't make them have to Load. If he could help it.

But when he pulled up to the apartment complex nearly 2 hours later (morning traffic for once a fortunate thing), Sans wished he could forget everything. To go back to his room, lock the door, and sleep forever and ever. If he could just _forget_... If he could just go back to being able to afford not to care.

He cast those thoughts away as quickly as they had come up.

No...

He was going to take a note from the kids.

He was going to stay determined.

The apartment complex was pretty much grey and nondescript, it wasn't really much of a complex either. It seemed to have three entrances to three different apartments and on the second story, the two outer apartments had balconies overlooking the parking lot. And immediately as Sans got out of the car, he was sure he had seen a shadow watching him from the glass door of one of them. But only for a moment. It was possible that it hadn't happened. It was possible that his anxiety about all of this was just becoming paranoia. Besides, the middle apartment was the one he wanted. There was no car out in front but he knew that meant nothing. Or it could mean everything. It meant he could escape and not come back and nobody but the perhaps imagined shadow would know he had even been here. He could still back out of it.

Where as the outer two apartments had balconies on the second story, the center one had a nice porch and Sans cautiously stepped up to the stairs that led up to the door. But he hesitated again, his hand against the railing...

Dear glory he was actually here doing this, what was he doing? What madness had gotten him here? What-

And in his own panic he felt his not-stomach drop as a familiar yet foreign sensation swept in around him.

LOA-

Sans' eye sockets widened and he lost his breath for a moment as time began to slip by him. As time began to be pulled away from beneath his feet. He couldn't remember the other times before but Sans knew exactly what this was. Time was falling- Slipping- A Load-

But suddenly it stopped. Sans leaned forward, trying to catch his breath as his magic raced.

That had been a Load. Or almost a Load. A failed Load. Frisk-! He had to get to Frisk. Now. This instant.

There was the sound of a glass door sliding open. Loudly.

"NUH **_uh_**!" Somebody yelled down at him, stern and furious. "Nope. No, no, nope. You are **_not_** here. Ain't no way you're stickin' round neither!" Sans lifted his head, his mind still spinning. But soon enough his gaze was focusing on the woman towering over him from the balcony next door. Her skin was a deep black and her mane was twisted together in what Sans could only call strands of rope that encircled around her face. Her eyes were fixed and pointed, a snarl in her expression. She could pounce and devour him in a second. "You shouldn't _be_ here."

Sans tried to stand up straight, tried to look relaxed as he lifted his hands out beside him inoffensively.

"i'm not here to cause any troub-"

"I know who you're here for." She cut off. She seemed to tower even higher. "And you're right. We ain't havin no trouble!"

"i just wanted to talk-"

"And I'm sayin' again! It ain't happin'!" She lifted a cell phone for him to see, her thumb hovering over the screen. "You take one step towards that door and trust me, I'm calling the po. The only reason I haven't is cuz I know Ange, for all the trouble she causes, don't want no trouble. So!" She pointed viciously towards the car. "You get back in that trap and head back to your little upstart town! Any talkin' you do, you do with those fancy shmancy lawyers, ya here? And you come back round again, I SWEAR! I wouldn't be opposed ta' havin skeletons in my closet."

For all the anxiety and magic that was racing through him, Sans couldn't help but laugh at that. That was smart. That was really smart. He smiled at her. For all of her threats, he instantly liked her. Something about her struck him as familiar, too. He lifted his hands higher, trying to show her he was harmless. He was quickly trying to pick out a pun to send her way as he took a step back down the stairs in an attempt to de-escalate the situation.

"Angie has a right to her kid." The woman added seriously. Sans was suddenly rooted in place and he felt the anger surge through him. He looked back up at the woman, his gaze suddenly just as deadly as hers as the lights in his eyes disappeared and his smile grew twisted.

"yeah?" But before he could get any more ill-advised words out, there was the sound of something crashing against the floor behind him. Sans jumped and turned his direction down the sidewalk and his gaze landed directly on _her_ open expression.

There was no mistaking who she was even with her extremely pale skin. She had the same, deep brown eyes like Frisk's that would occasionally emerge from the whirl of gold, though hers were farther set apart. And as of right now incredibly wide. She had been carrying a large, brown paper bag full of groceries but now it was on the ground at her feet.

"Frisk." Angela breathed.

"Fuck!" Cried the woman on the balcony as she quickly disappeared inside the house. Frisk's mother, for her part, came rushing at Sans.

"Frisk? Is Frisk here? Are they alright?" Sans was leaning away from her uncomfortably as she got incredibly close. Her hands kept to themselves though, pressing in against her chest desperately. And desperate was the word for it. Luckily, her neighbor emerged from the building and quickly inserted herself between the two of them, pushing Angela gently with one hand as she turned her gaze towards Sans in a vicious glare. As if _he_ had been the one to come at _he_ r and not the other way around. "Is-"

"Ange!" Her neighbor cried turning towards her. "Angie, he's leaving!"

"What? No!" Angela's still wide eyes darted directly to Sans, her mouth open in continued protest. "No!"

Sans found himself stuck on the steps of the porch, a bead of sweat working its way down the side of his head. Out of all the reactions he had been expecting this... hadn't been any of them.

Angela was looking between the two of them, her eyes frantic for them to understand.

"He can't leave!" Her eyes look Sans directly in the face. "You can't leave! Nobody tells me anything! I need to know!" She reached out a hand towards him as if to physically hand him her plea. "You- Sans!"

Sans noticeably jerked back away from her at the sound of his name from her lips. That she would know it hadn't been a thought before either.

"Angie!" Her neighbor said, trying to keep her from getting any farther.

"Please Simone! I've been trying to get a one on one conversation since the start!" Simone, the neighbor, let out the loudest groan ever as she lifted a hand up and smacked a palm against her own forehead as she squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth.

Sans stood silently watching, not speaking a word. It was suddenly apparent that how this all went down rested on Simone. And he figured that the less he said the better it was. But at the very least Sans felt like she wouldn't actually call the police on him anymore now that Angela was there.

"And there's a reason it hasn't happened! It's a shit decision!" Simone told her, lowering her hand and reopening her eyes before staring Angela down. Angela was suddenly frowning bitterly.

"It's a shit situation!"

"IT AIN'T HAPPENING!"

**"DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CANNOT DO!"** Angela all but raged, a spark of static in her eyes. If Simone had been ready to devour him earlier, Sans had the distinct impression that Angela would call down the wrath of whatever god it was she served if Simone continued to stand in her way. Or perhaps, just her own wrath would be enough.

"Will you two quit your sqwaukin!" A new voice shouted down from the second balcony. "Some of us work the night!"

"Go to hell, Terry!" Angela called up.

"Yeah! Go to hell, Terry!" Simone echoed. The glass door slammed shut again violently and two sets of glares turned back towards each other as Sans just stood, feeling even more uncomfortable; his shoulders were hitched up around the side of his head as he cringed.

The two women kept their eyes locked onto one another but finally, to Sans' surprise, it was Simone who relented first. She sighed and her tense stance dropped. And just like that, the anger vanished from Angela's stance and any impressive presence she had carried faded along with the colour in her cheeks.

"Okay..." Simone said softly, but she sounded like she already regretted it. She reopened her eyes and glared at Sans, again as if he was the threatening one here. "But I'll be on the porch, listenin' out the whole time."

Sans just nodded passively, just glad to get the foot in the door. Angela smiled and breathed some sort of content sound that Sans didn't know how to describe.

"Inside." Simone ordered, pushing Angela along up the stairs past Sans and to the door. Angela fumbled with the key and Sans followed in awkwardly. He was barely in the door, it not even shut behind him, when Angela had turned back onto him, the desperation resurfacing as if none of what happened outside had happened. Let alone less than a minute ago.

"Frisk? How is Frisk? Where are they?"

"Calm down." Simone ordered, still pushing her along towards a chair in the corner. "You sit down." Simone then glared at Sans again, her eyes slicing like a knife through the air. "I'm going to go get the groceries, I swear to fucking god I will end you if you try anything funny!"

"and that's a shame cuz i think i'm rather punny." Sans noted, testing the waters around her. There was a flash of intensity and he knew that he had pushed a very thin line. But she did begin to inch back towards the door, staring at him still before slipping out the door; leaving it open, though, he noticed.

"Forgive her." Angela began again, almost softly. "She just cares a lot about a lot of things. Violently. With passion. But... Frisk?" God why was her voice just that hopeful? It was so off putting.

Sans didn't speak right away, instead he looked over the apartment. It was just as bland inside as it was outside, but inside it also seemed a lot smaller, too. There was a living room, kinda, if you could call it that. And then there was a kitchen that it merged into. Then a flight of stairs that led up to a bathroom and there was probably a bedroom around the corner. There were only two windows downstairs, one at the front that looked out over the porch and one in the back over the sink. And it was in examining this that Sans saw the photos. They were littered against the wall in the kitchen, and against the fridge.

Picture after picture of Frisk.

Sans stepped closer towards the kitchen and Angela stood up anxiously to follow him.

The photos were all cut out from newspapers, or he supposed tabloids even. And the sheer number of them made Sans' not-stomach twist once again. He knew Toriel worked hard to keep everyone away from the kid, but it seemed that humans were a resourceful bunch. He lifted a hand to touch one of them on the refrigerator and he felt Angela shift behind him.

"I..." She began, "I didn't have any photos left of them." She explained. "He..."

Sans eyed her, looking her over. She had lowered her head a bit, looking at how interesting the laminated floor of the 'kitchen' was instead of at Sans.

"Does Frisk hate me?" She asked finally. Sans glanced back at the smiling kid in the photo.

"for whatever reason.. no." Sans admitted. Angela's hands raised to cover her face for a moment as she collected herself. When she lowered them she breathed out heavily.

"Oh Frisk..." She sounded incredibly sad... As if she knew that shouldn't be the case. Sans looked her over again. She was strikingly young, he noted. Could she have even been thirty? She was young, thin and pale, and the sweater she was wearing with the logo for some college sports team he recognized made her look even smaller than she was. She was basically drowning in the thing.

Simone had re-entered the house, holding her collected treasures close to her chest before she watched over, past Angela, and put them on the counter.

"Nothin too damaged." She reported.

Then why did it still feel like walking on eggshells with her?

As if Simone could read his mind, she glared at him once again as she began to make her way back towards the door. She pulled out her phone and indicated it with the tilt of her head.

"I'll still call the police, ya know?" She told him. "But it ain't gonna be us they'll be savin'."

"i'm not interested in havin' a bad time." Sans assured her. She stepped out onto the porch, keeping the door slightly ajar as she went to the top of the steps and sat down. Sans turned his attention back towards Frisk's mother. "i guess we better sit down like she said." He offered, because for sure she looked like she was almost too fidgety to function, her fingers kept twisting together as she waited for something else to happen.

"Alright." She agreed, making her way back to the 'living' room. There was an old loveseat with a coffee table that probably also served as where she ate her meals. And in the corner by the window, there was also a chair. She tucked herself into the chair, pulling up her legs beneath her and Sans faltered as it seemed to swallow her up even more than the hoodie had. And despite his offer to sit down, Sans found that he couldn't. He stood expectantly in the middle of the room, staring at her. And she stared expectantly back.

"i'm going to be honest, i'm kinda lost as to where to start." Sans admitted. The spark from before entered back into Angela's eyes.

"Frisk." She ordered. Sans let out a tense chuckle.

"i could say the same thing to you." He told her bitterly. The spark disappeared and she looked down at her knees. There was a moment of silence.

"I guess that's fair..." She whispered. She closed her eyes and sighed. "How much do you... know?"

"you really **don't** want me to answer that." A new sadness weighed down upon her.

"You've seen their back..."

"look... i'm not here.. to pass judgment." Sans offered, even though at first that had been the reason he had started down this path. At his words though, her shoulders fell even farther.

"... Even if you were to pass judgment, you wouldn't tell me anything else I don't already know. I know. I'm a horrible mother. I've always been a horrible mother." Her eyes opened after a moment and then... she lifted her arm, her fingers playing at the wrist of her sleeve. She hesitated before beginning to pull down the fabric. The first thing Sans noticed were the similar scars along her arm, not as many as there had been on Frisk, but... that had nothing to say about how her back potentially looked. But the second thing Sans noted were smaller scars in between, all of them up across her arm, following her veins. "I was addicted to him. To him and to what he..." She gritted her teeth and glared at her own arm, her other hand rose to trace along it. She looked as if she wanted to scratch it out herself.

"... him?" Sans asked. Mrs. Garner had mentioned a man but he didn't have a name or any details.

"Jimmy... I met him right after Frisk was born and we got together a little bit after that. And once we were there, it was just... We couldn't get away. I... I loved him. I couldn't let go. And I was afraid what would happen if I did. And Frisk... They were just.. so _good_. In everything. I was blind, stupid, but not once did they hold it against me. Even as I kept choosing something and someone over them... So stupid! And even now a part of me _still_ loves him. But Frisk just... did everything to protect me. From him and myself in any way possible. He used that you know? He used us against each other? To keep us both in line..."

She lowered her arm and recovered it with the sleeve.

"But he's gone now! He will be gone for awhile! I'm clean!" She was looking up at Sans expectantly, desperate again. "I'll stay clean this time!" Sans lowered his head, the lights in his eyes disappearing... Angela's hope noticeably seeped out of her and she went limp in the chair. "Did they tell you... about...?"

"...they said you tried to kill them." He told her.

It wasn't exactly true, but Chara had mentioned it. That the Underground was not the first time that someone had tried to kill them... And he knew she was the one who did the arm, did whatever fucked them up badly even more than the burns. Angela's eyes flashed painfully at his words and she looked off to the side.

"I almost did." She admitted in the softest of whispers. "But I didn't mean to!" She said, turning back towards him. Desperate again... "I wasn't trying to kill them! I was-!" She collapsed back down against the back of the chair. She put her face in her hands again for a moment. "I know it sounds... sick, but... at the time I thought.. I was saving them."

".. what do you mean?" Sans was surprised at how gentle the words came out. But she looked so much like Frisk except for her size, except for the paleness of her skin... Her outbursts so much like Chara...

"I was.. completely out of it." She admitted now. "You see. They were sick, and I was.. high. But they wouldn't stop burning up no matter what I gave them! And Jimmy wouldn't let me take them to the doctor. So I thought... if they were _bad_ enough. Then he would have to _let_ me." She cringed, the fingers of her right hand curling together painfully. "I couldn't just go with my gut and disobey him, I had to make a good enough _excuse_... as if... that mattered. So I dragged them out of bed, and they were just so tired and begging me to let go of their arm, to let them go back to bed, but I couldn't. I told them it would be alright. I told them that: It's going to be alright, and then I _threw_..."

She covered her face again and pressed tightly.

"I didn't see them again until I saw them on the t.v. at Lexus and Simone's a-and.." She forced herself to lower her hands and her teary eyed gaze met him. "They were _smiling_ , Sans... Smiling... Smiling and whole and..." She had to burry her face again. "I'm j-just so h-happy they're okay. I'm so s-sorry. So... F-Frisk..."

Sans stood silently watching her as she continued to cry, unable to stop.

"I just don't know how to m-make it.. I have to make it r-right..." She continued briefly before falling back into crying wordlessly. She lowered her hands and began to take in deep breaths as she tried to calm down.

There were several tense moments, maybe even a full minute... the statement lingering in the air. Sans' magic was racing and his ribcage felt tight as if he were standing on the very edge of a cliff as he finally whispered..

"...let it go."

Angela blinked and looked up at him in surprise, not understanding what he had said.

"let them go." Sans said again...

"W-What?" Sans began to sit down on the side of the loveseat closest to her and he leaned in.

"please let them go." He begged. Angela shook her head adamantly.

"No- I have to see them. I have to tell them I'm sorry. I have- I h-have to..." The tears were gathering again for another round and she looked at Sans just like she might shatter in front of him, and he knew... he knew she was beginning to understand exactly why he'd said it.

"if you really care about what's best for frisk, if you really care about making this right... let them go."

"But I have to say I'm sorry." Sans stared at her without an answer, except... what she already knew. "I..." She stared at him, and it seemed as if everything had frozen for a brief moment, _exactly_ on the verge of shattering. Exactly before everything broke. She lowered her head once again.

"like i said, i'm not here to pass judgment." Sans told her. "i'm not even here because i can't stand the thought of losing them, though that is part of it. the bare bones of it is... frisk can't lose this. they just can't. they've worked so hard for this, you can't even fathom how much. i can't really understand it, even. but they've lost everything else... please. you said yourself. they're happy. they really are happy. they finally found a home... please, please give them the chance to keep it for once. please, just please... let them _go_."

"..." She was refusing to look at him anymore, or maybe she couldn't bare it while also keeping herself together.

Sans eventually looked away as well and out across the apartment as her silence pressed on. The space was dull... pale... just like her. The only splash of colour were the pictures plastered onto the fridge.

"i know... understand... what it feels like.. this guilt. but is what you have to do... worth it? you asked me.. about how frisk was... but you have the pictures... you know what they'll lose. and they can't. they _can't_... please..."

Silence.

Sans chuckled brokenly, and his gaze trailed down and rested on the floor in the center of the room.

.

_Their mom's hands wrapped too tight, painfully around their arm._

_Tight. Painful. Gripping._

.

Sans lifted his gaze towards the ceiling.

"do you think... even the worse person can change? that anyone can be a good person, if they just... try?"

Sans heard Angela shift in surprise, but then... She lifted a hand to her hair and her fingers curled against the top of her head.

"No." She answered honestly, a broken and pained smile on her face. "If they did, I never would have lost Frisk.. and you would still be trapped beneath a mountain."

...

..

.

_Their hands, wrapped tightly together around the hilt of a knife._

.

"... if they couldn't," Sans began again, "we would all be dead."

Though... he wasn't sure it was fair to consider Frisk or Chara ever being the worse, honestly. Maybe even Flowey too. They'd been hurt. Maybe all bad people were just hurt in some way.

Though... No. That's not right for some people.

That man was extremely lucky he was **_safe_** behind bars. For now.

Angela pulled her fingers out of her hair and she gave him an uncertain expression. She had not a clue about what he meant. And he had no way of explaining it to her. Just...

They should all be dead. But they weren't.

He was there. Sitting with her.

And all in all, he had to note that, perhaps even he had become a better person too. Somehow. Because...

He was _there_. Sitting with _her_. And he was deciding not to hate her. Because Chara had been wrong, it wasn't easier to hate. Maybe in a way it was, but... Mercy, not holding grudges... perhaps it was more difficult, but sure as hell... it was a lot more freeing.

You could heal.

And maybe it wasn't something hateful or a grudge, but this too:

"please..." Sans repeated. "let frisk be happy. let frisk live their life. just let them _go_..."

They needed to be able to move forward.

He couldn't see her expression as her hair fell in front of her face and a shadow cast over her again. Time was frozen and tangled.

"please..."

She did not look up but her shoulders were trembling, the pain in Sans' chest was unbearable and he knew that hers must have been the same or worse.

... Frisk always described the feeling of enacting a Reset as a thread or string being pulled...

And as she spoke, it felt as if Sans was watching that string be cut forever.

"I'll call my lawyer this afternoon..." Angela whispered.

Everything snapped.

They were free.

Sans let out the first easy breath in... he couldn't remember. He covered his own face now for a moment as he continued to shake; needing a chance to let it sink into his bones.

He'd done it.

His risky decision, his potential mistake... had _worked_. Something he had done had _worked_.

"thank you." He breathed.

Something he had done... had _mattered_.

Frisk could _stay_.

"thank you," Sans repeated, lowering his hands and smiling for her. But she wasn't looking at him. He didn't think she could.

He also didn't think she wanted him to stick around, either...

Sans stood up, ready to leave in silence, but her voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Sans...?" He looked back over his shoulder. "Tell them I'm sorry...? That I miss them? That I.. love them... and that I'm... That I'm just sorry." Sans glanced away towards the window. "A-And maybe, maybe one day you can bring them to see me." She continued hopefully. But the way her face remained cast downward...

They both know that will never happen.

And maybe she knows Sans isn't going to tell them what she said immediately, either.

Sans moved to leave again and this time she didn't stop him, but.. he hesitated himself. He looked back over his shoulder once again as he held the door open.

"maybe i'll come round again." He told her. She lifted her head this time in surprise but after a moment she nodded, and a small smile crept onto her face.

"Yes." She said, her voice trembling.

And Sans felt like he just might do that.

He walked out onto he porch and Simone stood up, glaring just like usual.

"welp. see ya." He told her. She didn't say anything but stormed passed him and into Angela's apartment and slammed the door on him.

A few hours later he was in the Underground, a series of papers under his arm as he made his way to his workshop in Snowdin. It wasn't something he felt like he could move to the surface. For one, he wasn't even sure how it worked or why it was the way it was to begin with. There was no way he was messing with that. He opened one of the drawers and slid the papers in. Some of them were about Angela, others about Frisk. Chara. He had no say in what stayed or went with a Reset or Load, but at the very least he had to try. And he begged, begged, begged whatever lottery decided what stayed and what went, that this didn't go. It was too important. So, so important. Because if there _was_ a Reset...

It sure as hell wouldn't be Frisk or Chara's fault.

He couldn't risk him doing something stupid like leave them to deal with it alone.

Please...

He pulled out a picture from among the others and looked it over. It was a picture he had also seen on Angela's refrigerator, the picture all the newspapers had picked up somehow despite its original intent as a keepsake. The picture of Frisk in the center surrounded by all of their friends.

It had been there at the beginning of this Reset, but now that Sans thought about it... that was impossible. All the times Frisk had made it to the surface with everyone... they had never made it to the second day to get that picture. This picture was impossible. It shouldn't have existed even more so than usual.

But at the same time... that comforted Sans in some way.

At the beginning of this Reset, he had thought that it was evidence of something lost. But it wasn't. It had been evidence of something gained. A promise. He just hadn't known it.

And somehow this picture seemed to say that, it really was alright. He could take all of these precautions, but in the end... This picture was something new and impossible.

The Resets were done.

Sans slid the picture back into its place and left, but before heading towards the Underground exit he meandered his way towards the Ruins.

But still, there was no sign of the flower.

Sans finally left and got back to the car, it was a little past lunch time and he was starving. And sure, technically he and the others weren't due at Alphys' until later that afternoon, but Sans was anxious to get back to them. The almost-Load, although it had been pushed back for a time, was still very much on his mind. He _had_ to get to them.

He knocked on the door but nobody answered and so he let himself in via shortcut. And to his relief, Frisk was on the couch, curled up with a blanket... taking a nap. Sans sighed deeply. If they could sleep, it had to be alright. He stepped in beside the couch and looked them over. Their hair was messy and their face buried but it was obvious they were in a really, really deep sleep. They probably hadn't slept a wink in a week. If not longer. Sans knew he hadn't. He was half tempted to join them, to curl up and sleep right there beside the couch for all of eternity. Glory did that sound _really_ good.

He pushed his fingers through their hair and they moaned contently for a moment. And Sans felt the slightest prick of guilt.

One day... he would tell them what their mother had said. Just not now. But one day... For sure.

San's shoulders fell and he put his hands in his pockets.

One da-aaglak!

You can't dodge something you aren't expecting.

The back of his collar was grabbed and Sans' eye sockets shot open wide in alarm as he was yanked backwards forcefully and his hands shot outwards in surprise. But there was no escaping, he was caught...

And it only took him a second or two to realize that it was Undyne, dragging him into the next room. And it clicked in his mind, and the realization twisted like a knife in his chest.

Something else had happened...

Somehow, yet another shoe had dropped.


	46. Affording To Test Waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And oh, poor Atlas  
> The world’s a beast of a burden  
> You’ve been holding up a long time  
> And all this longing  
> And the ships are left to rust  
> That’s what the water gave us

When Undyne was a kid, she had been rash and strong headed. She was still strong headed and at times impulsive, but she had changed. Grown. And underneath all of her quick actions and stubborn attitudes, underneath it all... Her biggest dream... It remained intact.

That dream...

It wasn't to be head of the Royal Guard. It wasn't even to break The Barrier when looked at to its core. That was part of it, perhaps, but in all that was simply smaller pieces of the bigger whole.

No.

Her hope... Her dream... Her  _wish_... Was to always be strong enough to protect the people she loved and their own brilliant dreams.

At first her concept of what she was protecting people from was very simple. Anything she could punch in the face, she would. But then she learned that there were some things you couldn't protect people from. Things that she couldn't punch or destroy with a spear. Sometimes the thing that threatened someone the most... Sometimes it was the mirror in front of you... and everything that represented.

Undyne never fully understood it, a sense of self love and respect was something she was overflowing with. It took her a long time to see and understand at least some of what other people were going through...

Asgore... His pain was obvious in hindsight. And after she had first seen it for what it was, his hurt and his loneliness... He did not want to hurt anyone, but held himself strong in order to do it. Once she saw that, it became her number one priority as the Head of The Royal Guard. She would be the one to meet the humans head on. She would be the one to take that final Soul. She could not protect him from everything like she wanted to, but she could Act and Fight for him for as long as possible.

Alphys could barely keep herself together at times but what she pursued she pursued with so much PASSION. Despite her fear she somehow kept going and Undyne would encourage and love and help her through it all. No matter what it was she ended up doing.

And Papyrus... His dream, he said, was to be part of the Royal Guard but she knew that just like her that was only a symptom of what he truly wanted. And she could not allow him his dream in that way. If something happened to him... she would never forgive herself. So instead she had trained him, instead she had tried to guide him into achieving something else with his life. A better, more true dream.

She would protect them.

She would protect them all.

Their hopes and dreams, they were hers.

And it had happened.

The Barrier had broken, the sunlight had shone through... Monsters on the surface. The ocean...

And Papyrus had achieved a greatness she had never imagined. All those days she had trained him to fight and instead the battles he won were the same he had managed before the Barrier broke, as well. The battle to unite and connect people. To foster understanding as an ambassador. To build bridges instead of burning them down. She was so proud.

And Alphys, she was doing her best and hardest in working with those nerdy humans on the Core. Even though it was grueling and each night she called Undyne to complain and explain to her that it was the most difficult thing she had ever done or tried to figure out, she spoke with importance and Undyne exuded pride at her dedication and even slow growing confidence. Because for all Alphys didn't understand how the Core ran despite it being one of the most... core.. features of the Underground, the humans knew even less.

And Asgore... A sad weight had fallen from him, and his smile for what felt like the first time, seemed on its way to being true. He was talking more and more merrily. She had watched him plant the first flower in his new garden in the sunlight; a golden flower transplanted from the Underground though he would soon fill it with many more of different types. And he told Undyne stories, stories she hadn't heard before.

In the throws of anger and rage at humanity it had been easy to forget. The good had been drowned out and the bitterness remained. And he had been unable to remember it all consciously.

But now was different. Now was the time to remember.

The water was cool, the sun was hot...

Things he had once been unable to afford to look over. Stories and realities that had been painful, and still were, but just like everything else glowed newly in the sunlight.

Asriel... Chara...

The human child...

A human child...

"NGAAAAH!" Undyne had clobbered Frisk the moment they had entered the house with Toriel. She had spun them around and began to ruffle up their hair for the fourth time in less than 24 hours and demanded: "Whose ready for some quality BESTIE on BESTIE time?!"

And Toriel had only shook her head as she watched from the doorway and Alphys had joined her; Toriel her ride that morning to go work on with the Core.

"Please ensure that I get them back in one piece, Undyne." Toriel had requested and Undyne had tried her best to grapple with the prick of guilt she had felt at that. "And... the house as well, please."

"Nah!" Undyne said in an attempt to seem off-handed.

"U-Undyne, I th-think she has a point." Alphys reasoned.

Undyne held Frisk more firmly against her chest, their little legs dangling and not even touching the ground. They seemed to pout in her grasp for their audience but Undyne could feel the tension in their muscles as they held on. Undyne slid them back down to the floor.

She had planned this over as carefully as possible...

And they had stood together in the door watching Toriel and Alphys get in the car to drive away, both waving enthusiastically...  _seeming_ enthusiastically.

But then the others were gone.

And they were alone.

The waving hands stopped and slowly came down, as if both of them were on the exact same wavelength... knowing things needed to be said. But Undyne took a step back and closed the door before anything could happen out in the open.

"We need to talk..." Undyne admitted gravely. Frisk nodded, but they weren't looking at her. They were shaking... "Hey.." Undyne tried more softly, getting on one knee and bending down as best she could to their eye level. But they closed their eyes. And then a fisted hand lifted to press against the side of their head and for the first time Undyne realized they were now holding their breath. "Frisk!"

They took in a deep breath but their eyes remained closed and they continued to shake.

"Okay!" Undyne cried. "Okay never mind! This can wait! We can just-"

"No..." They said weakly. "No it can't wait... I..."

"Shhhhh." Undyne put her hands gently against the sides of their shoulders and moved them up and down along their sleeves to try and help comfort them. But they just flinched and Undyne lowered her hands to instead rest against her knee as she waited... helplessly.

She didn't know what else to do but begin her apology, but they seemed just about to fall to pieces in front of her.

"Undyne... Y-You remember what you said about Alphys? About.. how you didn't want her t-too have to lie anymore?"

Undyne gritted her teeth, already jumping to conclusions. Because since the moment they had left her all alone beside the ocean she, UNDYNE, had been constantly second guessing herself.

"Yeah, punk, of course I remember."

"I... I have something I need to tell you." Whatever it was, was building in their chest and it seemed as if they would explode. But they were just... just so terrified.

"Hey..." Undyne tried again, trying to sound as comforting as possible. She risked lifting up a hand to cover the one that remained pressed against their temple and she helped them bring it down. "Let's go sit down on the couch, okay?"

Frisk nodded but as Undyne took their hand and began to guide them, their legs suddenly gave way and she called out in shock as she caught them.

"Frisk!"

They held onto her shoulders, shaking, their eyes shut as they remained tense beyond words.

"What? Punk? Hey!" She didn't know what to do. This didn't make any sense! No sense at all! This isn't what she had been prepared for! Tears, sure, but not this! She'd known they were scared, but not this! Not-! "Okay, just cry, it's okay, just get it out, we'll take everything slow! Like Sans said right? Slow!"

Yeah, slow. As much as she HATED it and RESENTED HIS ENTIRE EXISTENCE AT TIMES, she was going to take Sans' advice as best she could. Slow. Steady. One step at a time. She had seem how positively they had responded to that approach before she had to get behind that. She just wished it was easier. This was so out of her depth-

"Please..." Their eyes open, and they were the most vibrant gold Undyne had ever seen. Undyne froze in place, taken aback for a moment. But she had no time to truly dig through how she felt when they managed to continue. "Please..."

"Anything, Frisk!" Undyne told them desperately. And she meant it. She would do literally anything! But what can she say? What can she do? When the first thing out of their mouth is-

"You.. You have to promise not to kill me."

Undyne's eye widened impossibly and she lost the ability to breathe. Her mind was screaming, demanding answers, but she couldn't say a word.

"Please..." Frisk begged. "You can do anything else to me, just not... Just..." They were reduced to trembling, not even crying anymore, they just stood there trembling and waiting and Undyne... She finally managed to get enough of her senses back to speak. And she did so as eloquently as the situation allowed.

"WHAT?!" Undyne reached up to hold their face but Frisk flinched back, trying to escape. Undyne felt a wave of sickness racing through her and she felt keenly that this... went much deeper than she knew. Deeper than the scars on their back, than the things that had been implied.

"Please..." Frisk whispered, their eyes closed again as she continued to hold their face. Undyne broke.

"I won't! I won't ever hurt you! Never! Frisk! What the hell?!"

But the thought... the memory... that she almost  _had_.

Ever since they had left her alone by the ocean side, it was almost all she could think about. When she had seen the scars... a house fire of rage had bloomed in her chest. It had consumed her fully and Undyne had twisted violently to take it out on the wall as some guttural sound had raced through her.

This child who hurt  _no one_ , this child who had saved  _everyone_! This child who she would do anything for: die, kill, she raged against the world!

Someone had hurt them!

 ** _SOMEONE_... had  _HURT_ them**.

It was  **SICK**! It was-!

But the one they had been terrified of... had been her.

The one they were terrified of...  _was_  her. Of her, her knowing... Of  _her_.

She had been so angry, so ready to hunt down and kill the people responsible, but the realization of just how much she cared...

And suddenly, something  _twisted_ inside her. Something else. Something more. Something strange. A strange, knowing feeling she couldn't name or even explain what it is that she knew. It was just there. This vague feeling of something. She'd felt it in the Underground too, but it had been shaken awake with the scars.

And then... She had been alone...

Everything had settled like the wood had beneath the force of her fist. And she sat alone with the tips of her feet in the cool water as she looked out across it at the sun rising after a fitful night. And she had stared wide-eyed and shocked... and horrified... as a new light worked its way across the surface of the water and she had to contend with the dream she had seen. A fantasy of spears raining down upon a faceless human whom she had wanted to destroy, someone who had risked everything she had loved. Her entire world.

But then the human had a face. It had a name.

It had jolted her awake, but at the same time...

For a brief two months, everything had been absolutely perfect. Because if she was honest, with the Barrier breaking and the up swelling of feelings and everything becoming new and hopeful and with the kid who had achieved it all smiling and life moving forward... Living...

It was easy to forget once again. But this time it hadn't been the good that had been washed out by the bad. That urge and fire to protect them, this human child she loved beyond reason.

A human child...

The human child Undyne had set out to destroy, to protect  ** _against_**. This child she had sneered at even as something deep inside her already knew who they were. That just by the look in their eyes she could see that they meant everything they did but that she couldn't accept. That she had to destroy. Kill.

The dream she'd had, was not a dream. It was a memory that had risen to smack her upside the head.

She had been so angry... caught up in her righteous fury...

Someone had hurt them...

 _ **Undyne**_ had hurt them.

Burning spears raining down upon them, their Soul stuck in place, refusing their Mercy at every turn, forcing this scared child who didn't want to hurt anyone into a Fight. Even after Undyne knew it pointless, as her house had burned down around the two of them, still she had pressed it. Still she had tried to ignore the truth. And then had simply forgotten it, thinking everything was alright in the end.

But when it had broken like that... She had still been the one they had been afraid of.

Her feet had frozen in the water even as the shame grew hot against her face. She had felt the tears in her eye that glistened in the sun. She was paralyzed with the thought.

She really had almost... She had almost  _killed_ them.

It wasn't a new revelation, but it had struck harder than ever before.

She had almost killed them...

And if she had, she would have never realized the thing that she had lost except for that strange knowing,  _I'd missed you_ , that had raced through her the first time she had seen them.

She couldn't deny it. She had hurt them... But if they thought she would ever do that now, after everything that had happened, they were sorely, sorely mistaken.

But they were looking at her with so much terror and fear, like they really thought she could!

"Frisk-!" Undyne cried in disbelief, the hurt racing through her. They resisted, their arms straight as possible as Undyne tried to pull them in to a tight hug. Their eyes shone through the tears and they lifted their head back away from her. Undyne let go, devastated as her mouth hung open.

They  _really_ thought...

She stood up, there was the intense desire to flee from the situation. That was something against her very principles, but her heart was racing and she felt absolutely trapped.

They said they didn't want to lie anymore... she had never thought the lie was that they thought of her as actually being their friend. For the first time in her life, she truly felt lost. She'd decided to properly apologize. For freaking out, for all the things she had done to them before and try to make it right, but she hadn't at all thought it was that bad. She wasn't... She wasn't the only one...

"Don't tell Asgore." Undyne said suddenly, her mind latching onto that one thing. If they thought that way about Undyne, if they felt that way about other people... About Asgore... "Please don't tell Asgore." Undyne repeated. They looked up at her in surprise, confusion crossing their expression. "You can hate me but you can't ruin that for Asgore... He... He's already been through so much, please..."

Their mouth opened and they seemed just as shocked as she was.

"What? No!" They cried suddenly. "You don't understand!"

"Wh... What more is there to understand?!" Undyne cried back. "We hurt you like that and we just expect you to be fine with it all?! Frisk! You can't be fine with it all!"

Something flashed in their expression and their wide, golden eyes revealed just how hurt they were, but...

That something in Undyne's chest, it twisted again. And somehow she  _knew_.

She had it all wrong somehow. Absolutely wrong.

No, they were not afraid of her. They were not afraid she would want to kill them...

They thought that she  _should_ want to kill them.

"F-Frisk?" They brought their hands to their chest and lowered their face away from her.

"I... I killed you." Frisk whispered.

The words reached Undyne... but she could not comprehend them.

"I killed Papyrus." Frisk continued. "I killed T-Toriel, I killed you, Papyrus, I...  _Everyone_. I killed  _everyone_."

 _I'd missed you_ , Undyne had thought unable to stop herself the first moment she had met them.  _I miss being friends with you..._

Frisk was tense and their shoulders high around their neck protectively but they continued regardless.

"I can t-travel through time, I've lived the s-same time over and over. The- The Underground. Each time I died, I'd c-come back. Each time I b-broke the Barrier-! Each-! A-And then.. Then I c-couldn't take it. I.. I k-killed everyone, a-and..."

_"Each time I died,"_

The child lifted their hands again, pressing against the side of their head as if they could disappear in front of her, like they wanted to, needed to... but were stuck in place. And waiting for Undyne to explode.

"Frisk..." The world around her was spinning and Undyne... "How many times?" She breathed. "How many times did I kill you?"

"I.. I'm sorry." Frisk whimpered.

"WHY ARE YOU THE ONE WHOSE  _SORRY_?!" Undyne cried in horror, everything racing ahead of her and out of her control. She bent down and reached out for them again, holding them by the shoulders desperate to get them to look at her. "Frisk! You died! OH MY GOD! You DIED!"

"I-! Y-You're c-crying-"

"OF COURSE I'M CRYING! I KILLED YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! Do you KNOW how much I've been beating myself up over how I had ALMOST killed you and now you're telling me that I DID?! FRISK THIS IS INSANE! THIS-"

The unsteady floor beneath Undyne fell away and she gasped loudly as the world gave another intense spin. But this time she could feel the terror physically in her fingertips as they held onto Frisk. She was not imagining this, this spinning wasn't the one in her head. This was real. She could feel that she was both holding them but at the same time she wasn't'. And as quickly as the sensation came, the world settled back into place around her. Undyne released Frisk as if she had just burned them herself. Frisk lifted their hands to cover their face.

.

The unfinished Load...

.

"I'm sorry." They repeated through their hands. "I'm sorry!"

Undyne was having difficulty breathing, her single eye was wide and horrified. For she had wanted to take this slow, and had planned, and had worked through her apology over and over, and now... Now she'd lost her head just like she had promised herself she wouldn't. She had made them feel everything she had wanted to help them work through and more. She'd made them.. Made them almost do that  _thing_. She'd scared them for real. And now they were  _apologizing_ for having been so.

Undyne sank to her knees and continued to stare at their shaking figure with dismay.

"You died..." Undyne repeated. They moved their hands from their face so that they could speak clearly, or at least as clearly as their crying allowed.

"I deserved it." They hiccupped.

"What?! NO!" Undyne recoiled at her own outburst, especially as Frisk pressed their eyes shut again tightly. "Nobody deserved that. Especially not you." Undyne tried sternly. But that still just made it worse. "Frisk..."

"I killed everyone." Frisk repeated. The pain rippled through Undyne and she wanted to say she couldn't believe it. But somehow... She knew that was the truth. But this child... Who would never hurt anyone, not even to defend-

"And how many times did we kill  _you_?! And you REMEMBER it?! Frisk!"

They didn't answer. They didn't  _have_  one.

"Frisk... I'm going to hold you.."

Cautiously this time, Undyne lifted a hand out towards them. They curled in on themself but they didn't back away. Undyne wrapped her arm around them and pulled them to her. They broke into even louder sobs but melted into her as she rested them against her lap.

"I'm so sorry, punk..." Undyne whispered, still crying herself. "I'm so sorry."

To Undyne's relief, Frisk slid their arms around her neck and hugged her back. Undyne breathed out in relief and closed her eye as she moved to support the back of their head and they cried together, each unable to stop apologizing to the other...

And it hurt, it  _hurt_. This pain so intense in her chest.

"I'm so, so, s-so..."

Her hope... Her dream... Her wish...

She just wanted to protect them. It hadn't started out that way, but through it all... She wanted to protect them. From pain, from this aching sadness... From the fear and guilt...

From now on, she just wanted to protect them.

She couldn't punch it in the face. She wasn't as good at this as some people, and maybe she was the last person who deserved to try considering all she had done to them. But she promised.

She would try her hardest, she promised. She'd try her hardest to never have them look at her like that ever again. She swore.

...

She  _promised_.

..

Never, never again.

"I'm sorry."

..

.

And Sans... Sans couldn't believe his non-existent ears.

He had  _his_ head buried in his arms as he collapsed against the table he and Undyne had sat down at. Or really she had thrown him into his chair and demanded he pay super close attention to what she had to say because she was honestly  **pissed**.

Because that was not where her conversation with Frisk had ended, and even before Frisk had said it, a part of Undyne had somehow already known. Known that  _he_...

"You  **knew**."

Yeah, he had known.

Sans lifted his head. Undyne had her fingers curled together dangerously as she glared at him across the table. She was still very distraught about everything and she looked like she genuinely wanted something to tear to pieces. Sans just hoped she would have reason enough to not make it be him.

But really... out of all the things the kid could do...

He honestly had never expected this. At  _all._

He was different. He was the exception. He knew consciously about the Resets, they felt like he deserved an explanation just to make it so he didn't jump at every moment he felt dizzy thinking it was a Reset. To not be waiting at every second for the world to snap back.

It was just...

Out of everything he had expected...

" **Talk**." Undyne ordered.

Sans had been so willing to close this section of their lives for good and move on to the next part. Sans had been so  _willing_ to let all of it go.

But Frisk just couldn't.

"well that's pretty much it, isn't it? what they've already told you? resets, loads, dying and coming back? that's it."

"No. There's more. There's always more."

"...yeah but i'm not sure how much frisk really wants you to know."

Undyne lowered her deadly gaze and she seemed to accept this answer as acceptable.

"Okay. Then tell me about  _you_. They said you knew but not how.  _How_ do you know? I had this weird feeling but I had no frame of reference for it. So how do  ** _you_**?"

"i... i don't know." Undyne's eye flashed menacingly.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"i just... i really don't..." Sans admitted. "i can't remember."

Undyne tilted her head, thinking.

"So like a Reset then?"

"i..."

Undyne sighed loudly after a tense moment.

"I already knew you were hiding something, Sans. Even if I didn't realize it. But... I think you and I know who has noticed, and knows he has noticed." Sans looked down at his hands, the lights in his eyes gone. "They want to tell everyone, Sans..."

Everyone...

"Or at least, everyone who is closest to them. They don't want to lie by omission anymore. And I think I was just a test... They said something like, they knew I wouldn't actually hurt them but at the same time." Undyne sighed again. "God, this punk."

Her brow was furrowed and he could see the need to suplex something rise.

"maybe you should go for a run." Sans advised. Her furrowed brow deepened but she didn't deflect the suggestion. But she didn't let her original vein of discussion go, either.

"You told Frisk they should tell Toriel about their back before she found out on her own..."

Sans groaned and reburied his head in his arms against the table.

"Hmph." He heard her chuckle. "Now whose right?" She demanded.

He only offered her a thumbs up before letting the hand fall against the table again. He heard her stand now and when he glanced up she was peeking out and down the hall to where Frisk was still passed out on the couch. She looked oddly timid... but also what Sans could only describe as aggravated.

"This conversation isn't over. Not by a long shot." Undyne continued. "There is still the fact that you  **knew** , but somehow... they were still  ** _dying_** _."_ A cold terror grasped at Sans' Soul. "But I know I'm not in a good position to judge even if I'm pissed." She closed her eye and shook her head as if that could physically get rid of everything that was bothering her. "I think I will go for that run." She told him. "As long as you're here. I just really need to clear my head."

"sure..."

She eyed him.

"No jokes, Sans?"

"none of this is funny.." She half smiled at that, though the gleam in her eye was mean. But he could tell that somehow he had passed some test.

Things were going to be really different between them from now on, Sans realized. It already would have been with the scar thing, but that had almost made it for the better between them. But now...

Sans figured that how all of this ironed out rested on how seriously he took everything from now on. Her smile disappeared and she relooked out across the hall.

"I do have one more question though... Their eyes. That thing that they do with them. I always noticed they changed colour at times but when we were underground I thought that was a normal human thing. Now I know its not but still wasn't sure what to make of it. Its this thing right? The Save and Reset thing? Their determination?" She glanced back over her shoulder at him expectantly. Sans could feel the sweat beading on his forehead.

"you could say that i guess." Sans answered. Her eye narrowed dangerously again.

"That wasn't a bent answer in any way." She grumbled. Sans shrugged. He could lie and tell her it was something else he really didn't know, or tell her that it just wasn't his place to answer, but omission seemed like the better route for this one. It would let her fill in her own interpretation. Sans watched Undyne disappear and a few seconds later he heard her leave out the back door.

Sans was alone except for the sleeping child in the other room...

He groaned once again as if pained and put his head down.

Sans was pretty sure he had fallen asleep because it seemed like no time at all that someone was tugging on his sleeve. His head lifted quickly and he met Frisk and Chara's bright gold eyes, though their face was still streaked red from crying. He wondered how he had missed that when he had first come in.

"a little warning next time." He pleaded. Chara smiled.

"We did."

"no. no you really didn't. that was not a warning."

 _They_ shrugged. Sans groaned again and covered his eye sockets with his hand for a moment before running it down his face.

"Are you alright? Is this okay?" Frisk asked in concern. Sans looked them over seriously.

"do you feel better?" He asked. They were silent a moment, seeming to take an assessment of themself. Then they smiled sadly and nodded. He ruffled their hair. "kay, then that's all that matters."

He couldn't tell them to do what they thought was right and then be angry at them when they did.

He hugged them and they didn't even hesitate to hug him back which relieved Sans greatly. And for a moment he just appreciated the fact that they really were there; strong, brave, determined.

He squeezed them tighter for a moment before he reluctantly released them.

"you hungry? i'm absolutely famished."

"You're just skin and bones."

"heheh. you get the picture. though not to sure about the skin part." Frisk hummed in agreement.

It was an hour or maybe two, before Undyne came back... with Papyrus in tow. His brother looked a little worse for wear.

"SANS! FRISK! MY TRAINING HAS BEEN ESCALATED." He told them. "THOUGH I CANNOT SAY I UNDERSTAND WHY WHEN MY NEW POSITION IS A LOT LESS PHYSICALLY STRENUOUS."

"It's because you're out of SHAPE, nerd!" Undyne declared, smacking his chest. She looked a lot more at ease even if a bit wild.

"YES. I SUPPOSE I AM." Papyrus said sadly. They all laughed softly, the awkward tension filling the room though Papyrus didn't seem to really notice.

Or at the very least he didn't say.

Sans... couldn't tell anymore.

But the night inched forward and when Alphys, looking stressed and disheveled herself, came home the popcorn was prepared and the t.v. set up to play some bad anime. It honestly didn't matter how bad it was to Sans, if he was honest. Nor did it seem to matter to anyone else. As long as they were all together.

Frisk hesitantly slipped in between Undyne and Alphys and Undyne pulled them into another tight hug.

"And you LIED to me." Undyne declared. Frisk's eyes flashed with alarm and they looked up at her questioningly. "Anime ISN'T real."

Frisk smiled.

"DONT SMILE! I spent like... AN HOUR completely DEVESTATED!" Undyne continued.

"But I didn't lie." Frisk, no, Chara said. "We're anime."

Undyne's mouth DROPPED.

"OH MY GOD!"

Sans chuckled. He had seen the pleased flash of red in their eyes. But Undyne wasn't content. She began to tickle Frisk relentlessly for punishment. They shrieked with laughter trying to escape but it was to no avail. And at the end of it, they were resting in Alphys' lap with their head resting against Undyne's knee as she played with their hair. Sans didn't think either of them was really watching the show.


	47. Affording A Hug of Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's like forgetting  
> the words  
> to your favorite song  
> You can't believe it  
> You were always singing along...

Sans sometimes wondered when the secrets had started.

It seemed almost impossible to remember a time when he _hadn't_ had secrets but he knew that wasn't true. There had in fact been a time when there had been no secrets to keep. He had told Papyrus everything and vice versa. But when had it changed exactly? Was it right away, when he had gotten the internship at the lab? Was it sometime during? Or was it only _after_ everything had gone...?

He knew it started with the lab.

He knew it was before the anomaly.

But perhaps that wasn't true either. Because that was something he didn't remember either.

When had the anomaly actually become a part of his life? And who had given him that term? Who had first called them the anomaly?

Where had those readings, charts of timelines, the machine and the blueprints come from?

Where? How? Why?

**Who**?

Sans can't remember.

He can't...

Just can't.

He remembers commuting to the lab each day. He remembers spending nights there. He knows there were other people. He knows those are the people in the album in his workshop.

He knows that there was something about a computer though because he remembers Alphys being jealous while also extremely hopeful to join him once she got accepted. And he knows that she would have been accepted. She would have been there. If not for...

No. No, Sans knows when the secrets started. Not specifically, really, but he knows that they had to have started with during his time at the lab and not just afterwards.

Because he knows he is the reason Alphys didn't get her internship. He knows he sabotagued her. But why?

Why had he been so... terrified?

Because while he can't remember a single thing about what he had done in the lab, he did remember that at some point, he had started to grow uncomfortable. And then that discomfort had only grown. Whatever it was that they had all been working on... And it was about that concern that had led to the first lie. _Stress_ , he had said arguing that it was in fact half true.

And then the lies had increased and then suddenly he was comforting Alphys about her rejection knowing fully well he was the reason she had been rejected to begin with even if she didn't know that herself. And he couldn't have told her. She wouldn't have understood, he reasoned.

But why? Why, why, **_why_**?

But for all he felt guilty about it, he knows he can't fully regret it either. Even if in truth he should have been honest with her. Should have trusted her to trust him..... But regardless of how he went about it. Sans just knows...

He can't remember. But he _knows_...

He knows that fear and concern is the only reason he and Alphys were still standing there at all.

Because everyone else is **_dead_** and **_gone_** and **_forgotten_**.

Out of everyone... Sans knows he was the only one to say **_no_**...

But even if it was the right choice on his part, that did nothing to free him from the guilt. Because... what more should he have done? What more could he have done?

Stupid.

Stupid!

So stupid!

He should have acted sooner.

If he had!

If he had...

...

...

..

Sans woke up from his dream and stared at the dull ceiling and the sound of the trash tornado somewhere in the dim light. The sunlight was only starting to filter through the window and he groaned as he stood up. His head was still spinning from everything that had happened recently.

So much... had happened.

Angela, Undyne, everything...

Secrets.. Secrets being spilled... Secrets that still needed to be shown the light of day...

Chara had called him out on it. Undyne, too.

But _still_...

The lies... they had grown, crept up on him and he hadn't realized the hole he had been digging until he had buried himself in it. How did they all expect him to just...?

To be open, to be honest, to finally dish out all the shit he had left ignored. He'd promised to, but... but Chara and Frisk had said it themself. There is a difference between saying you're going to try and do something, and... actually doing it.

... he couldn't do it.

He couldn't...

Just learning how to _listen_ had almost been too difficult at first. Listening in and of itself had been a new lesson.. but to have those tables turned? To be the one listened _to_? He'd had his brief moments with Frisk and Chara; their conversation about Mercy, him begging them in Judgment Hall to allow a Reset.

But that was different. That had been... somehow... different.

This. This... If he did this... there was no going back. And there was just... so much of it. So much of it that he couldn't understand himself. How could he explain it when even he didn't know? The past he should remember but couldn't. The timelines that hadn't techincally happened anymore but he still knew. Everything.

Sans went downstairs, Papyrus greeting him and making him breakfast, talking to him, talking...

Sans couldn't do it.

Papyrus talking, getting ready to leave and start the day. Talking. As Sans just stands there, offering the occasional off handed, perhaps ill-placed joke. But he just... Can't.

He was too tired. Too much had happened. Later. He'd do it later.

Except...

Sans didn't.

He _didn't_.

He went to bed. He'd try again in the morning.

But he doesn't get up in the morning. He lies in bed listening to Papyrus moving about and he doesn't get out of bed. He waits. He waits without letting himself aknowledge the fact that he is waiting. And then Papyrus leaves. And Sans stays bed a half hour more to convince himself that he hadn't just purposefully avoided his brother.

Mornings wouldn't work to tell. There wasn't enough time.

Later.

Later....

Yeah, later.

But Sans finds himself getting out a piece of paper later and sitting down at the kitchen table, ready to write out his note.

_Gone to Grillby's_ , he writes.

He almost writes, _I need to talk to you,_ as well.

But he doesn't. He can't. He can't do it.

Sans was hunched over the note, his teeth gritted and grinding as his magic tore him apart from the inside out.

So much... had happened.

And he is sitting at Grillby's joking and laughing emptily.

He can't do it.

All he can see is face after face Papyrus has made. Papyrus' concern and fear. Papyrus' concern has both of them tried to look brave for each other. As Papyrus _assured_ Sans. As Papyrus waited. Waited... Waited expectantly at first. As if Sans would talk to him at any moment. But lately it had been... almost resigned.

Resigned... was not a word for Papyrus.

And that only added to the difficulty Sans felt about all of it because he knew he was the cause of it all. This growing rift. No, this gorge that was already there.

The hole Sans had dug seemed to have widened all on it's own. This giant void...

Sans was standing right at the edge of it, feeling light and sick, his magic racing...

He couldn't do it.

Sans didn't go home, he was somehow in the Underground. He had somehow found his way back the Ruins.

The Flower wasn't there.

He was in his workshop.

He sat on the ground with the photo album, but nothing. No memories.

The answers weren't there.

The photo of him and everyone on the surface.

Sans sat back against the wall and held the picture between his two hands, looking over every detail of it. This picture that really shouldn't have been there. His thumbs traced over the bottom and he looked directly into Frisk's expression. Their smile was so bright but something timid in their eyes. Because... this picture... This picture had been taken almost directly right after he had rejected them, hadn't it?

_"I want to... talk to you about... everything."_

Everything...

But he... he couldn't do that, he had thought. He just couldn't do that.

It hadn't mattered.

But it _had_ mattered.

Frisk had been so... so scared.

Chara had most certainly been scared too.

His fingers were trembling.

He had no clue how they had done it. How had they not sat on that blanket with the stars above them, and how had they not backed down? He had offered to let them put it off even. If it had been the other way around he would have snagged that in an instant. But how... How had they started?

He remembered thinking, they really, really, really, **_really_** didn't want to do this...

And Sans already knew even though they hadn't said it... He knew that the kids wouldn't tell Papyrus until he was ready for it. He wouldn't spill the beans on Chara and they wouldn't tell Papyrus. He knew that.

But... He was never going to be ready. He was too far gone to ever truly be ready. Even though he knew exactly how it would turn out, how Papyrus would react, he still just couldn't...

He was standing on the edge of that void... One more step... and he would fall.

If he told there would be no going back.

He would shatter.

But if he didn't...

He stayed in the workshop all night, sleeping on the hard ground in a fitful sleep. And by the time he woke up and went home he realized... When Papyrus came home that afternoon... It would have been almost two days since he had seen his brother.

The thought stopped him short and he stood frozen in the middle of the living room...

"OH SANS!"

Sans nearly jumped out of his _skin_. Papyrus had emerged from his room, looking flustered. Sans hadn't even noticed the car when he had arrived. Had it really been in the driveway? Had he just been that ruffled? He must look it. His jacket wrinkled and dark shadows under his eye sockets.

"SANS! HAVE YOU SEEN MY KEYS?! I HAVE SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW BUT CANNOT FIND THEM FOR THE LIFE OF ME!"

"uhh..." Papyrus finally seemed to see the state he was in and his flustered expression grew even more serious.

"SANS! YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED! I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SAYING THIS, BUT BROTHER I THINK YOU NEED A NAP!"

"uh- um, yeah." Sans agreed half heartedly. "but don't you need me to help look for the keys?"

"NOT IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP ON YOUR FEET!" Papyrus declared. Sans laughed emptily and widened his smile though he didn't feel it.

"kay, bro. i'll take a nap. but be sure to key-p looking for me."

"THAT WAS AWFUL AND YOU KNOW IT." Papyrus replied.

"heh." Sans took his time to go up the stairs as Papyrus took apart the couch for what he figured to be at least the second time. Sans hesitated at the door of his room, his hand around the doornob as he watched his brother for a moment longer. And then he finally moved to enter his room. But he didn't get far. He stood staring in. "uh, paps. maybe you wanna get up here."

"WHAT?" Sans tilted his head to indicate his room. Papyrus came bounding up the stairs and peeked past Sans and into the room. His brother's jaw dropped. "YOU!" Papyrus cried, pointing an accusing finger.

The "Annoying" Dog, as Papyrus called it, lay on Sans' bed, chewing on the small bone charm Papyrus had on his keychain. The dog stopped mid-chew, its eyes seeming to widen in alarm.

"YOU FIEND! YOU LEAVE ME ALONE FOR SEVERAL WEEKS ONLY TO STRIKE THE MOMENT I FORGET MY GUARD! BUT NEVER AGAIN SHALL THE GREAT PAPYRUS BE FOOLED! GIVE THAT BACK THIS INSTANT!" Papyrus ordered, stepping into the room. But the dog bounded off of the bed, the key still dangling from its mouth. It slipped through Papyrus' opened legs and skid past Sans at high speed before making its way towards the stairs. "NO!"

Papyrus raced passed him and Sans watched his brother literally fly over the railing and into the living room in an attempt to cut the dog off. Attempt being the word. The dog disappeared out the door.

"AAAAH!" Papyrus put his hands on his hips and took a deep breath as he closed his eyes and he stood up straight. "THE BUS IT IS!"

"is it important? are you late? i could.. you know.. shortcut." Papyrus sighed.

"NO. NO, YOU ARE TIRED. BESIDES, I WAS JUST GOING TO THE STORE."

"you sure, bro?"

"YES, I AM SURE! EVEN WITH THAT MEDDLING MENACE'S DOGGED PERSISTENCE I WILL PREVAIL IN MY QUEST REGARDLESS!"

Sans chuckled for real this time and Papyrus turned around, his expression alert to the sound. Something in Sans' not-stomach dropped.

His brother had noticed the difference.

"YES! AND LATER I WILL CATCH THAT THIEF AND PUT HIM IN THE DOGHOUSE AS HE DESERVES! AND BY DOGHOUSE! I MEAN OUR NEW CAPTURE ZONE!"

Oh that was right, that was why he hadn't noticed the car. His shocked and exhausted mind had forgotten-

"you mean the garage, right?"

"IF THAT IS WHAT YOU MUST CALL IT, THEN YES." Sans couldn't help but chuckle again, but he leaned up against the doorframe, staring at his brother. "NOW WISH ME LUCK, BROTHER!"

"paps..." Papyrus stopped midstep and stared back up the stairs expectantly.

Sans... All he needed in life... was Papyrus. That was the heart of it. He could get through literal hell... All he needed was Papyrus... But what was the point of having Papyrus... if he didn't... if Sans didn't...

If he shut Papyrus out? Was that really like having Papyrus at all?

That was how the kid had started, he realized with certainty. There was no point in being able to stay if they didn't think they deserved it.

The had to feel accepted. They had to feel honest. It had to be real. They had wanted to be able to look at him and not think that if he just knew for certain, he would hate them. The reason they had told Undyne... The reason they wanted to tell _everyone_...

And Sans... Sans...

"paps, i need to talk to you..."

Papyrus' expression fell and already the magic twisted inside Sans. Because that _expression_... It was already one of the ones he so desperately tried to avoid.

But... B-but... If he did this... If he faced it _now_... Then _later_...

".. i just... i..." Sans was sliding down against the wall and he caught Papyrus' alarm grow. And then his brother was over the railing the other way around and crouching down next to him.

"SANS! SANS WHAT IS IT?! ARE YOU HURT? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?"

So much... had happened.

".. i can't do this." Sans said. He could feel himself slipping into the void at his feet. It was all unraveling. Everything was shattering.

"SANS!"

Why didn't he just... why didn't he just SAY something? Why didn't he just call Sans out on it? Why hadn't he just... given up? Why didn't he just... stop believing Sans was better than he actually was? Papyrus, believing and _trusting_ Sans to tell him eventually. Sans forced himself to look at his brother, who seemed to be holding his breath. Even after all of the lies... Papyrus still _trusted_ him.

Sans... Sans...!

He couldn't do this..

He couldn't.

"but i want to.."

He wanted to deserve that trust again. He wanted to fix things with his brother. He wanted...!

It was... he didn't know _how_. He couldn't do it!

Sans lifted his face and Papyrus instantly put a firm hand on Sans' shoulder. The concern was still there but suddenly Papyrus' expression was also firm and... determined.

Sans _laughed_... And he finally understood what the kids had meant each time they had used the word absurd.

This was absurd.

"i've seen you die." Sans' voice cracked. Papyrus' expression fell again but Sans was still laughing. "i've seen you die and die."

Not just the one time with Frisk. But Flowey. He'd seen Papyrus die. He had found his scarf in the snow. He had lied, and lied and tried to protect his brother and **_none of it had mattered_**.

He had done nothing. Nothing. He had let everyone in that lab die and be forgotten. He had let his brother and the entire Underground get killed several times over as he stood by not knowing what to do. Because everything he did, **_none of it mattered_**.

It has always never mattered.

Because he can't remember anything, but he remembers so clearly, the _act_ of forgetting. He remembers working on that machine so furiously, the weight of importance and guilt like an albatross around his neck. He had to save them, he had to do something, anything, what was he trying to achieve? He remembers giving up. He remembers sitting there thinking... why even try?, He remembers knowing... he'd never see them again.

Why...?

He remembers looking at the kid, feeling betrayed, talking to them in Judgment Hall, still believing in them anyways and wondering _why..._ Why when it hadn't **_mattered_**? Why couldn't he just give up again? Why couldn't he stop caring? When had he started to? When **_none of it mattered_**.

He remembers. He doesn't remember. He knows. He doesn't know. All these things. So many things.

And it just pours out of him. A dam had broken and it just came out.

The lab, the timelines, the Resets, the kid, the kid, _the kid_...

The kid he let die. The kid he let give up. The kid he had promised to protect and had done nothing. Nothing. And then they had _thanked_ him for it. When he had done nothing. Nothing but listen, and not even that at times. Nothing... but listen...

And Papyrus had wrapped his arm around him and held him tight without a word as Sans sobbed and kept spilling everything he could. And he just sobs. Spilling... As Papyrus _listened_. And apologized. Just like Sans knew he would even though he shouldn't have... He'd even heard the apology before, he knew. And Chara had repeated to him in so many words when they had told him about their timeline.

_"I COULD SEE YOU WERE HURTING EVEN THOUGH I KNEW YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO. AND I LET YOU KEEP HURTING. I LET YOU KEEP PUSHING YOURSELF."_

He was sorry...

And Sans was sorry too. Sorry, so, so, so sorry...

Sans found himself buried in Papyrus' scarf as he continued to sob and he couldn't let go of Papyrus. He just couldn't.

Everything had changed, but... not in the way Sans had thought. The void he had been certain would swallow him... He had thought that this would push him over the edge, but he should have realized that wasn't how it worked. No. Papyrus held him tight and slowly led Sans away from the ledge he had been standing on.

And the cycle, the treadmill of lies he had been dependent on... The light had been switched on. And Sans let himself off.

And with it Sans realized what had shattered hadn't been the ground beneath his feet... but the burden around his neck.

It hadn't all gone away, but at the same time... it felt light again.

And he wasn't alone anymore.

He had never been alone...

Stupid.

Stupid!

So stupid...

"i'm sorry." Sans continued to sob helplessly. Over and over again as Papyrus supported the back of his skull. "i'm sorry. pap, i'm sorry."

Never again. Never again would he let it get this bad. Never, never, never...

Never...

Never.


	48. Affording To Let It Be Alright

The car rolled to a stop along the curb and with a certain enthusiasm that seemed to infect every action his brother did, Papyrus put it into park as they both looked over towards the house: Name To Be Decided.

Technically, the house didn't need an official name considering The King was not so much a king anymore and this wasn't much of a capital either. But despite that, several different names had been applied to it ranging from New New Home to Newer Home and other variations in-between if for nothing else but tradition. Monsters were all about traditions and the king would always, forever, still be very bad at names.

But to be fair, since coming up to the surface and having learned about some of the Human's naming schemes, it seemed as if the Monsters shouldn't have felt so called out on it. After all, somewhere in the world there were White Houses and Casas Rosadas and just plain old Royal Palaces.

Of course it was still awful, but the Monsters were not alone in that.

What was creativity as long as it got the point across?

And who was Sans and his horrible but brilliant puns to judge?

He honestly liked it all.

It was predictable and comfortingly simple.

And the house was simple for a simple man; there wasn't much to it. And the front door was wide opened and would stay open to anyone no matter how ill-advised that seemed, and the brothers passed it without much thought.

"FRISK?! YOUR HIGHNESS?! ARE YOU HERE?!"

"you know where they are, bro."

And that was true. Because the house wasn't very impressive but what lay _behind_ it. Perhaps Sans should suggest the name chosen could be Garden Home.

The garden wasn't much of a garden _yet_. But there were two finished beds beside the back door filled with golden flowers that had been transferred from the Underground and the backyard was full of dirt and potential. Progress would be made, Sans knew. Though Sans suspects progress would come faster if it weren't for Frisk's weekly visits. The King very clearly waited to do a lot of things until the child was present. Not so much the manual labor, but the planting. And Sans kinda appreciated that.

"FRISK? YOUR HIGHNESS?" Papyrus called once again. But still, the brothers knew exactly where to go.

"We're in Greenhouse, Papyrus!" Asgore's deep voice called back, just as expected. Papyrus moved quickly ahead to the green house that rested in the back corner of the yard as Sans trailed behind through the mounds of mulch and dirt.

The moment Sans sees the kids he knows they've been crying again, and just like he suspected, knew... The King knows.

About the RESETs anyways.

One thing at a time, Sans guessed. But a part of him had actively hoped...

Chara just wasn't ready, he knew. He knew all about not being ready.

And so much had happened...

One thing at a time, Sans repeated. One thing...

The kids were looking at Sans and Papyrus even as their hands still rested in Asgore's paws as he himself sat in a sorry wooden chair that creaked once The King actually stood up; still holding one of Frisk's hands. Sans noticed Frisk squeeze it in a moment of comfort but was it for The King or themself or was it Chara doing it for the benefit of both of them?

"You must let me offer you a cup of tea before you go." The King said after the small talk greetings and jokes had been worked through and the tension relieved. But by the cups on the small table beside the chair, Sans figured Asgore had already all but drowned Frisk in tea already.

"nah. tea isn't much my thing. it goes right through me."

"SANS, PLEASE!" Papyrus cried. But Frisk laughed softly to themself.

But they _did_ have to get going. They had a little ways to go in order to get to their surprise.

"Oh? And what is that?" Asgore asked.

"A SURPRISE!" Papyrus reiterated. Frisk looked uncertain but curious and it was Asgore's turn to chuckle

"Fair enough, my friend."

They cut back through the house and the brothers are already out the door when they turn to see that Frisk has lingered behind uncertainly with Asgore. Asgore just smiled sadly before kneeling down in front of them. But even with that he still towers over them.

"It will be alright, Frisk." He tells them, seemingly _again_. They bite their bottom lip and their fingers are intertwined loosely as they can't meet his eyes.

"But what if it isn't?" They managed to voice. Asgore doesn't seem to know what to say so instead he hugs them tightly.

"It will be." He promises. "She loves you more than you can know."

Their little arms can't even wrap fully around him but they try their hardest and squeeze. And Sans feels his own magic squeeze inside his ribcage. Because he knows that for all of their constant mantra of _'if they only knew'_ it was always heightened when it can to Toriel.

Especially when they had what they assumed to be the perfect example with Asgore.

When they had their own memory of how she had responded when they had...

_"Now I see who I was protecting by keeping you here. Not you... but them!"_

But Asgore was right... Toriel loved them now more than they could ever accept.

And comparing themself to Asgore would not be fair in her eyes... they were a child. Though Sans wasn't sure how Toriel felt about Asgore at the current moment even...

So much... had happened. And for all that The King wasn't so much a king anymore, The Queen was more of a queen than she had been for a very, very long time. She had even stopped countering people who dared to call her Dreemurr, but he suspected that had much more to do with Frisk and the adoption than anything else.

But Frisk was pulling away and Asgore was letting them go and they slipped out of the house and bounded towards the skeleton brothers as they waved goodbye. The King was standing up and he stood there for a moment in the doorway as he watched the trio make their way towards the car. But then, he disappeared back inside the house. And Sans suspected he was going to be making himself some more tea to help calm his own nerves.

So much had happened.

And Papyrus was scooping up the kid into his arms almost right away and to steady themself they wrapped their arms around his neck.

"P-Papyrus?"

"IT _WILL_ BE ALRIGHT." Papyrus assured. "AFTER ALL! YOU NOW HAVE ALL OF US TO HELP YOU! AND BESIDES! LADY TORIEL WILL SURELY BE JUST AS PROUD OF YOU AND INSPIRED AT HOW BRAVE YOU HAVE BEEN! JUST LIKE I AM! EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY WAS AND I DID NOT THINK THAT WAS POSSIBLE." Their expression _dropped_.

They knew. They knew Papyrus knew.

Their eyes immediately flew to Sans in panic and his smile twisted into a cringe.

"uh, maybe we shouldn't have sprung that on 'em with no warning, bro." Sans offered.

"OH! WELL, I'M-"

"No!" Frisk cried, turning back to his brother. They could already hear the apology in Papyrus' voice and Sans knew they couldn't stand it. "N-No." They managed more calmly. "I just... I-It's okay. I was just... surprised." They looked back towards Sans again, something proud in _their_ eyes now rising up as well as they smiled sheepishly. It seemed Sans had caught them off guard this time. But they really were happy about it. But they rested against Papyrus' scarf and tightened their grip as their smile fell. Because for all that they didn't want Papyrus to apologize they did not feel like that extended to themself. "I'm sorry, Papyrus."

"WHAT IS PAST IS PAST!" Papyrus continued though he also held them tighter as well. "MY BROTHER HAS TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOUR PROMISES AND **_I_** , THE GREAT PAPYRUS, PROMISE TO BE THERE AT EVERY LEAP AND BOUND OF THE WAY!"

There were clear tears in their eyes but they were smiling... Accepting it as an unavoidable fact.

"I love you, Papyrus."

"NYEH HEH HEH! I LOVE YOU TOO."

"Was that... the surprise?"

"OF COURSE NOT!" Papyrus declared.

Though Sans knew that for them to enjoy the surprise fully that wasn't really true. Them knowing about Papyrus really had been a part of it in that sense.

"WELL! I GUESS IT WAS A SURPRISE AS IN SOMETHING UNEXPECTED." Eh, Sans guessed that was right too. "BUT THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT ALL!"

"yeah kid, we gotta travel a bit for our real surprise."

Frisk eyed them curiously again but let Papyrus slide them down into the backseat and buckled up obediently.

And with that they were on their way and Frisk tilted their head in surprise when the car eventually pulled up to the base of Mt. Ebott.

"Why here?" They asked as the brothers got out of the car and made their way towards the trunk. Frisk twisted in their seat and leaned over the edge to try and steal a peak.

"guess." Sans offered. They shook their head, not a clue. "c'mon, guess! you're smart." Their lips pressed together, unsure of themself. "what was the first thing you suggested to me after the barrier broke?"

"I..."

Their uncertain expression transformed the moment the brothers revealed the telescope from the trunk.

"we didn't really have much fun last time, did we?" Sans asked mournfully. But Frisk and Chara were _beaming_. Their eyes were stars in and of themself. Gold. Vibrant. They couldn't decide which brother to look at and kept going back and forth.

Going up the mountain started off as a race but soon enough Papyrus had put them up on his shoulders and eventually had grabbed Sans as well with one arm as he held their basket of things in the other.

So much had happened and there was still much to do.

A secret in the back of Frisk's mind, a buried locket and a promise somewhere deep within the mountain. But for right then... For a moment...

They could just let that go.

The smallest of breaks.

All of them could just take one thing at a time.

And that was the surprise: A blanket, some snacks, spaghetti that wasn't half bad, and a telescope pointed to a sky full of stars and a radiant moon that was full once again.

Good food, bad laughs, irreplaceable company.

And for a moment... Just one moment...

Everything really was alright.

...

...

..

.

**END**

.

..

...

...

But not quite.

No... Never quite the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are again.  
> (I'd ask if anyone remembers when this was a one-shot but nobody here would really remember that)  
> As you can see there is one last chapter promised. But more than that, there is more than that. This is just part one and Affording will have a sequel called Wanting.  
> Chapter 49 will be a sort of segue into that but NOT until I'm ready to post the first chapter to Wanting.  
> The problem is, I have to go into hiatus for now because I'll be studying abroad the rest of the summer and I'm not sure when I will actually be able to start writing things fully with how hectic will be when I come back as well.  
> So yeah... Hiatus.  
> And until then, I'll leave the invite to the Undertale fanfic discord server that I'm a part of:  
> https://discord.gg/tJHpBAt  
> I'm not the best at using it and being confident in using it but there are A LOT of great people and writers on there.


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